Bunk-bed ~ thoughts

by HOW

Disclaimer: The characters and situations of the TV program "Big Valley" are the creations of Four Star/Republic Pictures and have been used without permission. No copyright infringement is intended by the author. The ideas expressed in this story are copyrighted to the author.

What Heath might have been thinking as he lay on the bunk-bed in the bunk house before Nick came and disturbed him in Palms of Glory.

When her son was of an age to understand Leah Thomson told him, “Walk tall, hold your head up high never be ashamed of who or what you are. Never do anything to make yourself ashamed. Never do anything to make those whom you love ashamed. Never do anything to make those who love you ashamed.” From that time he always strove to live up to these ideals.

“If it weren’t for the hate I have in me I wouldn’t be here now.”

In the darkness Heath lay on his back on a bunk-bed in the shelter of one of the Barkley bunkhouses. A dim light shining in through a window illuminated his fine features. He was a handsome young man not long past the stage of youth. Barely twenty four years old. His age belied his life. He looked up, with pale blue eyes the windows to a world of sorrow and suffering, at the cobwebs fluttering down from the ceiling. Occasionally he would blow them and watch as they eventually danced and floated slowly in his breath. It was an occupation that worked to keep his anger at bay. For anger was now the driving force. Anger had brought him here. And anger would lead him to his destiny.

His mind kept wandering back over and over the events of this day, here in the valley of San Joaquin, the big valley.

Skillfully he guided his sure footed Modoc pony between the stones and boulders along the shore of the white water. His pony meandered with his leg pressure to the footbridge and started to ascend. His attention was drawn to the gushing river below. On reaching the highest point his pony stopped and Heath looked up to see standing before him a horse and rider.

“Quite tall, slim build, dark hair, gun strapped low, obviously handy with it. Drab dark clothing could be going to a funeral. Don’t intend it to be mine. You’re staying. What now? I ain’t backing up. You’ll have to. Oh you want to talk horses. Suits me. Yep she’s a Modoc and a runner. Just one problem fella she don’t back up. That might get you moving? Well here it comes the stand off. Nope, you’re not gonna back up. You say yours’ is a Modoc too. As if? Well I have all the time in the world. I can stay here as long as you want. I’ll let you know. I’ll remove my hat and comment on the heat of the day. You seem the type used to getting your own way. Well not today Buster. You’ve met your match here. I’m just as mule headed as you. You probably have a meeting somewhere about so you might not want to waste too much time hanging around here.

“What’s this you’re talking about now? I hope you’re not getting round to threatening me. Oh I. Wants to know about my Mexican blow pipe. Oh well I’ll ask you about your six shooter. Show some interest. English eh? It’s a quality piece right enough. I wonder how many notches you’ve struck in the handle? Don’t suppose you’ve blown the head off a grizzly though. Mind you your type is bound to have done something equally outrageous. Here it comes. Can core an apple at half a mile. Yep and pigs may fly. I bet that’s when it’s falling. It’d be too easy if it were sitting on the tree. And on a horse in a hurricane. Yep I sussed you out alright. I wonder what size hat you take? Mighty big spurs them big fancy jangling types the ones that disturb your peace you know the kind just like their owners. Always the center of attention. The kind that force you to turn round and look to see who’s ringing the bells. Bet you’re loud in all ways. Looks like you’re getting impatient. Better be ready for you. I’m not the one going swimming. Here goes ready for a dive fella?”

Before either cowboys could get to their weapons the bridge collapsed and they were both in the water swimming with their horses to the opposite bank and scrambling out.

“Boy howdy I didn’t expect that! Didn’t expect to get dunked in a stream. Well I might as well give you a good wave never know when we’ll meet again. Let you know, no hard feelings. I'll give you one of my crooked smiles. Just let you know you didn’t get the better of me. Farewell fella. ’til we meet again. Sure was fun sparring with ya. Perhaps we can do it again some day?”

Giving a crooked grin and slight wave with his hat as he placed it on his wet head Heath loped off away from the river not really knowing where he was or where he was going, just riding with destiny. He was a free agent, with no ties, blowing with the wind. To his ears came the shrill sound of a whistle. Looking down the valley he saw its’ source. A train winding its way towards the town. As quick as a flash he dug his heels into his mount and started to speed down the grassy slopes to contest the great cumbersome beast.

“Come on Gal ya gotta work harder than that. We’re gonna beat that iron horse. We ain’t lost one yet and I don’t reckon to start today. You give me the ride of your life today and I'll fix for ya to have an extra scoop of oats for your dinner that’s if I get a job on my daddy’s ranch. If not I'll make sure ya get a treat somewhere. Come on that’s it you’re gaining. Just look at that fancy cattle truck. All fancy drapes and all. I bet there’s some fancy dude in there who has more money than he knows what to do with. Perhaps he’ll put some of his dollars on us. Come on Gal let’s win him some extra cash. We might makes us some new friends with this. It sure gets my blood up. It’s a while since we last cheated death . Git on there you’re nearly by the next carriage.

“ Look at the folks eyeing ya. There is some excitement in there. I wonder if they have money on ya? If they haven’t I bet they’ll wish they had. Come on just a little more you nearly have your toe in the engine. Now I can hear the driver giving his old iron horse jip. We have him Gal right where it hurts. Just give it another quick spurt. That’s it we’re nearly there. Clever Gal ya have your nose in front. Three more strides. That’s it swing out. Then here we go across the tracks and don’t you muff this. Phew there you go we beat it by a whisker. You’re slipping ya usually do it by two. Gawd my hearts racing as much as yours is. You sure called that close. Right Gal where we going now?”

Once the train was left behind he eased the gallop to a lope and removed his hat to wipe the sweat from his brow. He rode away from the tracks and looked back to watch his competitor lurch in towards the town of Stockton not knowing his destiny was in it riding home. Back up the sloping grass he rode letting fate guide him. He had a vague idea where he was heading but did not appear to be in any hurry. Perhaps he was not sure if it was where he truly wanted to go. Once at the top of the slope he turned and rode along the ridge for about half a mile then turned due East and sped across the open plateau towards a copse of mature deciduous trees that seemed to be calling him.

He eased back to a walk as his horse entered into the shaded coppice where he wandered aimlessly until he saw a grave, well cared for, large white cultured daisies and roses covering it and surrounded by a white picket fence. A large headstone stood guard. Being curious Heath dismounted and with a little trip approached the plot.

“What have we here? An unlikely place to have a grave........ I should have known. Boy Howdy the old stud’s last resting place. Too high and mighty to be buried with common folks, I see. Well it’s a shame I didn’t get to meet ya while ya was living but I didn’t get to know about ya ’til a month back. Of cause that wasn’t my fault. I’ll kneel but I ain’t gonna grovel to ya. I prefer to be looking down on ya.

“I’m at an advantage here. You see I knows who you are but I bet you have no idea who I am. No reason ya should. Don’t suppose ya ever gave me or my mama a thought. Well I’ll introduce myself. I’m the wild flower, the one that grew after ya scattered your seed the wrong side of the garden wall. I’m a Barkley like yourself but my name’s spelt with a small ‘b’. The ‘b’ having a different connotation from what you’re used to. I ain’t quite good enough for folks such as yourself. I don’t suppose ya ever remember my mama. I’ll just remind you. You have time. You ain’t going anywhere. About twenty five years ago in a small mining town called Strawberry. That’s funny too. Never gave it much thought before but strawberry is a fruit that has its’ seeds on the outside, a little like you and the garden wall.

“Well as I was saying ya came a calling on a beautiful, young, widow woman and then when ya had your way with her ya left. I doubt ya ever thought about coming back to check on her. Well Daddy you left your calling card. I’m it. Is that a surprise to ya or what? I don’t much care what ya think of me. I stopped caring a long time back. When I realized who and what I am. Shall I tell ya what I think of you? I hate you, I hate what ya were and I hate what ya did. I always hated ya even before I knew who you were. How’s that please ya?

“ Ya have four sons as far as I can count. I bet your wife would have a shock about this piece of knowledge. I reckon she knew you were an empire builder but I bet she didn’t know how ya went about it. Now I’m just gonna go along there and see if I can’t get myself a job. I know it’s not the right time for job hunting but I had to quit my last job on account of my mama dying in that stinking rat hole of a mining camp called Strawberry. I had to return to Strawberry to take care of things. She ain’t in a posh grave like you are. Couldn’t afford anything grand. Just planted in a potter’s field. Didn’t have thousands of folks calling either. Of course I blame you for her death. I don’t suppose you ever thought what it was like to be a young, unwed mother in a place like Strawberry. Well I won’t ruin your peace right now by telling ya. Only get myself more upset if I do.

“Ya needn’t start sweating none about any of your kin learning about me neither. I’m only looking for a job is all. Probably won’t stay more than a month on account of having trouble staying too long in one place. Something I was left with after the war. I just have a hankling on seeing what might have been and visiting with my kin. I believe I have three brothers and a sister. I wouldn’t have known about them if it hadn’t been for my mama putting this here clipping in the bible. I won’t let on who I am and all ’cause I don’t want to sully their lives like ya did my mama’s. I only intend using the name. I reckon it’s mine anyway. I already have my heritage ya took good care of that for me already.”

As he knelt there feeling his gut twisting and the anger rising in him his thoughts were shattered by a sharp whip to his back. It cut into his shoulders and with shock and temper he spun around to grab and drag a beautiful girl from her mount. Wrestling with her he eventually straddled her on the floor and was able to disarm her. He slowly shook his head as if to ask ‘What was that for?’

“Well I reckon I know who you are. You’re the old stud’s legitimate offspring. A real one. Well I do declare. My little sister. You’re not a bad looker. It’s not a good idea for ya to be going around attacking folks for no good reason. I don’t know what I did to deserve the whipping. Ya sure are a she cat. A right spoiled little vixen. I bet you was the apple of your daddy’s eye. I can just see ya wheedling your way around him. I bet there wasn’t anything you couldn’t get out of him. I guess a good tanning would have done ya more good.

“What are ya saying now about growing up without a pa? Oh I know what that’s like sure enough. ’cepting I never knew my daddy like you did. I’m not sure which is harder losing your daddy or never having him in the first place. Mind you I bet you never missed out on anything because of his death. Yes I know a lot of folks came to pay their respects when he died. I guess he must have had some good in him. I don’t know what? Perhaps I’ll learn sometime. There can’t be too many like me about or he would have been none too popular. You don’t seem too unfriendly toward me now little sis. I wonder what you’d do if ya knew who I am. I bet you’d likely scratch my eyes out. At least you’d try. Well I'll be on my way now. I want to try and find your ranch before it gets dark. Ask for Nick you say. That’ll be one of my brothers. I’d best give a smile seeing as I’ll probably be seeing ya again. Sure was great meeting with ya.”

With a last warm smile Heath leapt with ease on to his pony and swinging it round set off in the direction his sister had directed. Another half hour of easy riding and Heath found himself outside the gates of the Barkley mansion. He stopped to savor the opulence of the pillared house.

“He sure knew how to live. Ya could fit mama’s little house in one tiny corner of that. Well I’ll make my way to the front probably the only chance I’ll have of seeing it up close. I bet it’s full of carpets, posh furniture, hanging chandeliers like the one Libby smashed with her singing. Probably eat off silver plates. I don’t suppose I'll ever get in there. They’d be frightened of the likes of me soiling something. Well come on Gal let’s go make our grand entrance.”

He felt confident. Why, he didn’t know. He rode under the arched gateway and made his way towards the large French window beyond the front door where he had seen a small woman. As he approached three young men of various sizes and ages, his destiny amongst them, came out to meet him.

“Just my luck. Who ain’t it but Mr. Jingly Spurs himself from the bridge? I may as well turn away now. I didn’t reckon on meeting you this soon. Small world ain’t it. You ain’t hiring. Figured as much. Don’t know why you bothered asking where I worked before. You were full as soon as ya saw me.

“I know which one Nick is now, Mr. Jingly Spurs . I wonder what names the other two go by? The older one looks like a city gent, he’s a lawyer I think I heard tell. Sure is a neat dresser. I see Nick’s managed to get changed. Still wearing them jangling spurs. I bet he wears them to bed. What’s the city slicker saying now? Reckons I did him a favor today. I never met him before. Right he had a bet on us racing the train. That weren’t too difficult them things ride like cabbage stacks coming off a turn. Well Gal it looks like you’re getting your extra scoop of oats today after all.

“The young’n don’t say too much now do he? Probably can’t get a word in edgeways for Mr. Jingly Spurs. They sure seem to have a cozy life here. Seems the lawyer gets the last say. Nick don’t seem too happy. They‘re all dark haired not like me and the girl. I wonder what they’d think if they knew who or what I am? I don’t rightly know any of them well enough but I can imagine Mr. Jingly Spurs blowing off a whole heap of hot steam. The lawyer I reckon he might give it some thought and then dismiss it. The young’n I reckon he ‘d take his lead from either of the other two. Don’t seem to have much going for him at the moment. Well come on Gal let’s go find them oats I promised ya.”

He had found his way to the yard where he spoke with McNally and was hired. He had eaten with the men and spent the evening meeting and getting acquainted with them as they wandered in after work. During the evening he sat and listened and watched as the men either played various games of cards, smoked, drank and talked. Other than the odd smoke he did not partake but listened to various topics of conversation paying particular attention to any mention about the family. From the talk the impression he gleaned was favorable. It was a good place to work and the men were well treated and were happy in their duties. At each new appointment the men usually gave a clear indication by their attitude as to the type of ranch he had hired on to. He had a good feeling here. All those in his bunkhouse turned in about nine o’clock because they worked a long day and rose early. So Heath found himself lying on the bunk, listening to the odd creaking bed, grunts and snores. All his possessions in the world were here with him carried in his saddle bags. For a short while this would be home.

“Its alright Mama. No one is gonna know. I just had a feeling I had to come here just to see what it is like. I wanted to meet my kin. I guess I’ve done that now. I don’t reckon I know them but I have some ideas about them. After all they are part of me. It was sure strange talking to them; them not knowing who I am and all. I got to thinking what life might have been like had I grown up here with them but that time has been and gone and there ain’t no point in thinking on times that might have been. Why didn’t ya tell me afore now who my daddy was? Maybe if ya had things might have been different? Maybe he’d have helped us. Maybe I’d have had the chance to be part of this.

“Now what am I dreaming about? I don’t know that ya didn’t tell him about me. I don’t know why I’m going on about ya telling him about me. If he’d been interested he’d have checked on you and made sure there was no baby. I don’t know that he didn’t know about me. He probably did and that’s why he ran off and stayed away. I know he had a family and all but if he’d have had any decency in him he’d have done something for you and me. It wasn’t as if he couldn’t have afforded it. Why didn’t he care mama just a tiny bit? That would have been something. Just a little bit that meant I belonged. That I was wanted. That’s all I needed. To know that I had a daddy out there that thought about me that cared about me that maybe even might have loved me. He wouldn’t have needed to have been rich. He just needed to be there for me. But he wasn’t. He just didn’t care.

“I’ll give him credit for something though. The hate I have in me has kept me going and kept me alive this far. I have done all I’m gonna do. I shall stay working here as long as I am able. I have no intention of upsetting the folks. They don’t deserve it. They sure don’t deserve me. I would like to belong but it is too late for that. When I leave I can take his name they can’t stop me using that and I don’t need for anything more. We managed on our own without him and I can manage on my own now. It just makes me mad and angry with him. The life he lived and the way he treated us. I guess we both paid a price because of him Mama. The anger I have for him has kept me going and will continue to keep me going. But that anger is between him and me. The anger I have inside is because of you and what he did to you. It hurts me because without him I would not exist and without me your life would not have been ruined. I ruined your life because of him. I love you mama I know you loved me. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to upset ya none. I didn’t think I’d start to feel like this by coming here. I remembered what you told me. I’ll never let you down.

“I ain’t been perfect, I’ve been no angel, I’ve been wild and reckless. I did mainly what I wanted to do and I messed up some and I’ve been mostly a mess since after the war but I never forgot what ya told me. I ain’t ashamed of what I’ve done nor who I’ve become. You have no reason to be ashamed neither.

“‘Walk tall, hold your head up high, never be ashamed of who or what you are. Never do anything to make yourself ashamed. Never do anything to make those whom you love ashamed. Never do anything to make those who love you ashamed. I have tried always to live by those words. It hasn’t been easy but I reckon I did it. I shall continue to try and live by them. Mama. I won’t ever let you down. I promise.”

“Get dressed.” Heath’s destiny had arrived.

And the rest is history.