That Strange Feeling

by Arkangel

Disclaimer: The characters and situations of the TV program "Big Valley" are the creations of Four Star/Republic Pictures and have been used without permission. No copyright infringement is intended by the author. The ideas expressed in this story are copyrighted to the author.

I don't know when it changed, I really don't know what changed it. I just know it did. Three months ago, I was running this ranch alone, wanting, wishing, hoping.......praying for something that I couldn't quit put into words. I figured that God could see what I couldn't and understand what I wasn't able too, so I put it in his capable hands.

I had always felt an empty space in my heart, in my soul but was unable to figure out what was missing. I had a family, two brothers, a beautiful sister and a lovely mother. A family any man would be proud to call his. Don't get me wrong, I am proud of my family, they're the foundation of this ranch and I would die to protect them. It's just that I found myself, as I would step on the porch to enter the house, looking behind me as if I was expecting someone to come riding in; knowing full well that everyone was home and inside waiting for me.

It's strange, this feeling of mine. It never relented, only grew stronger with each passing day. I would linger on the porch and wait for a sound. I would look up into the night sky and look for a sign......but none came. I became frustrated at this feeling. I wanted to know what it was. I search my soul and my heart for any hint of why it was happening, but the only answer I got was a quiet plea to wait.

So I did, for six weeks. Then one evening, as I made my way to the house, I looked up into the night sky and spied a falling star. A smooth chill ran up my back......was this A sign? I thought. Surely not. I stepped onto the porch and fought the urge to turn around. I was only causing myself more pain by waiting for something that obviously wasn't going to happen. Hell, I didn't even know what that something was. Then I heard it, off in the distance. A horse making it's way down the road. Could this be it? I wanted to turn but was worried what I would see. I laughed at myself, feeling silly for hesitating.

I turned and watched a young man atop a modoc pony ride into the yard. He held an air of confidence that was seldom seen with someone so young. Even though I had no idea how old this boy was, my heart told me he was younger than he appeared to be. I watched him as he dismounted and walked his pony to the hitching post. He turned and pushed the front of his hat up with his finger and gave me a grim smile.

Then a funny thing happened, that empty space in my heart began to fill, that feeling that had long been a constant began to ease. That something that I waited so long for but never thought would appear just rode into our lives. I couldn't hold back the feeling of relief as the young man made his way to the front porch. He took off his hat and hesitated. He held a strange look on his face as if he felt the same thing I did.

I looked at his face, his eyes and could see he belonged here. I felt the connection the moment he stepped onto that porch. I couldn't help but smile. "May I help you?" I asked him. He grinned at me and answered, "I'm looking for Nick Barkley."

"You found him." I said with a small chuckle. Goodness knows why I was so happy, but I was. We sat on the porch step and talked, he told me things that, in my heart I had already known but had heard for the first time. I listened and answered were appropriate and when he was done I felt that what I said next would make all the difference. If I said the wrong thing or became angry with the information he had so willingly offered, this young man would leave and that emptiness would grow.

So I thought about how to say what I felt. I was glad he found us, glad he felt comfortable enough to bare his soul. I looked up once again for guidance and felt more than heard a voice telling me to accept him, to take him in. The strange thing about that was that the voice called me son.

I turned back to this stranger and stood, "Come inside and meet the family." I said with grin. So that started the beginning of a partnership, a brotherhood that has grown stronger with each passing day. A family that was strengthened by the arrival of the missing piece of it's soul.

That strange feeling never came back, it was replaced with a knowing........I never entered the house alone......we entered together, smiling, laughing and yes sometimes fighting but never alone. It felt good.

My brother came home.

THE END