by baddkid
Disclaimer: The characters and situations of the TV program
"Big Valley" are the creations of Four Star/Republic Pictures and
have been used without permission. No
copyright infringement is intended by the author. The ideas expressed in this story are copyrighted to the author.
Part 1
"So, what do you think, Heath?"
Nick waited a full thirty seconds before yelling.
"HEATH!"
The blonde man turned toward him, a slight frown on his face.
"I heard you the first time, Nick. I was thinking."
"Just give me an answer."
"I don't work that way, Nick. I don't throw out answers as easy as you do. I like to think things through. I'm not..." Heath stopped talking and turned away from Nick.
"You're not what?"
"Well, sometimes I'm not always sure what answer you're looking for."
Nick shifted slightly in the saddle, readjusted his hat, scratched his leg. None of those things really need doing, he was just stalling for time, trying to find something to say.
Heath sighed.
"We're doing it again, Nick."
"Doing what?"
"Trying not to say what we think the other doesn't want to hear."
Nick said nothing. Heath was right, unfortunately, and Nick didn't want Heath to be right about this. Nick wanted to share the same free feeling with Heath that he shared with Jarrod. But that wasn't easy. How do you feel free with someone you really don't know that well, he wondered.
"It'll happen, when it's meant to happen." Heath told him.
"What?"
"We'll relax around each other, won't feel so tense."
Uncanny, Nick thought, how that boy knows what I'm thinking.
"Get out of my head!"
"Now, Nick, that strikes me as a scary place to be." Heath said.
Nick grinned at him. Picking up Coco's reins, he turned the horse and looked back at Heath.
"I smell lunch. Let's go."
"Five miles from the house, you smell lunch?"
"Yep! Race you!"
Nick didn't have much of a head start, so Charger easily
caught up with him. Side by side, the
two raced across the field toward home.
Part 2
The others were already seated at the table when Nick and Heath hurried in.
"Sorry we're late." Nick apologized.
"I would have been here five minutes ago, but I didn't want to beat Nick too badly." Heath said, helping himself to the fried chicken.
"Hah! The day you beat me will be--well, a very cold day in the valley."
"Did you ask him, Nick?" Jarrod prodded.
"Yes, I did, an hour ago. I'm still waiting for an answer."
"And I'm still thinking." Heath said.
"Thinking about what?" Victoria asked.
"Some ideas Nick had about the drive." Heath told her.
"Yeah, you know this is our last free day before the real work sets in." Nick reminded them. "I'm just trying to get Heath's opinion about a few things."
"Well, maybe you should just decide, Nick, and set out what you want me to do. You've done this before, you know."
Nick smiled broadly as he passed the mashed potatoes to Jarrod.
"Now, see, someone who realizes who is the brains of this outfit." Nick gloated.
"That would be Jarrod, right?" Audra asked innocently.
Nick shook his fork at her while the others laughed.
"I don't need your help, missy."
Victoria looked around the table, at the happy faces of her children. Yes, already she counted Heath as one of her own. She was glad he and Nick were building a relationship. Each had something the other needed, if they would just realize it.
"Mother?"
"I'm sorry, Jarrod, what did you say?"
"I asked if you would miss me if I joined these two on the drive? Things are slow at the office right now, and I could use a little vacation."
"I'm sure Audra and I will manage, dear." Her eyes twinkled as she answered him.
"Vacation? You call a cattle drive a vacation?" Nick asked.
"Yeah, Jarrod, be careful." Heath added. "Remember, this is a working ranch. We sweat here."
The others laughed as Nick shook his fork again, first at Heath, then at Audra.
"You two, there's something wrong with you, you know that."
"Well, you did tell us that, brother Nick." Jarrod reminded him.
"Yes, and I'll never be allowed to forget it!"
The family's laughter floated into the kitchen, where Silas heard, his heart swelling with happiness. Maybe Mr. Nick was finally beginning to accept this new brother, the one that reminded Silas so much of Mr. Tom when he was alive. Silas already loved this new, quiet young man. He hoped that Mr. Nick would learn to love him, too.
Part 3
Heath leaned on the windowsill, watching the dawn push back the thick night sky. He followed a line down from the last star, still twinkling in the blackest part of the sky, down toward the horizon, where the blackness gave way to grey. Here the sun, not yet risen, had already begun to cut slashes of deep rose just above the horizon. Swells of birdsong rose around him. Heath breathed deeply and smiled. Sunrise was his favorite part of the day.
As he heard a door close down the hall, Heath realized his moment of peace was soon to be broken. Loud footsteps stopped outside his door just long enough for an unseen hand to rap sharply.
"C'mon, boy, work's a-waitin!"
"Be right down." Heath smiled again as the sound of Nick's footsteps receded. He wondered if his brother had worn spurs on his first baby shoes.
Nick was grinning as he entered the dining room. He'd known Heath was already awake, even before he knocked on the door. He was well aware of Heath's love for the early morning. Nick sometimes heard him, creeping around, in the last few minutes before Nick himself crawled out of bed. He wondered just what it was about the dawn that Heath found so fascinating, and if Heath would tell him if he asked.
His smile faded as he realized the importance of his last thought. He was wondering if it would be alright to ask Heath a question. With Jarrod, Nick would just barge into the study and demand an answer. Nick frowned at the dilemma his mind was creating. How do you treat a brother like a brother, when he hasn't been a brother that long?
Nick realized he was sitting at the table with an empty plate in front of him, just as Heath entered the room with a quiet "good morning" for everyone. He hastily spooned eggs onto his plate, grateful for the chance to cover his momentary confusion. Until he reached for the bacon, and discovered Jarrod watching him, Nick thought he'd been successful.
Jarrod had been startled to see his normally ravenous brother sitting in front of an empty plate. As he watched Nick's bright face gradually darken, he knew some deep thought had interrupted his brother's appetite. Jarrod made a mental note to ask Nick about it later, when they were alone. He'd seen Nick jump, startled, when Heath entered the room.
As Nick piled bacon next to his eggs, he watched Heath take his place at the table and lay his napkin in his lap. During the first few meals, Heath had tucked it into his shirt front. No one ever said anything, but, one day, Heath laid his napkin in his lap, as did the others at the table. Nick realized he'd seen ranch hands tuck their napkins in their shirts. Mother and Father had always taught them that the napkin belonged in the lap. Nick suddenly wondered how many other times Heath felt like he didn't quite know what was going on.
"So, what's on the agenda for today?" Jarrod asked. He felt an urge to get Nick's mind off whatever subject it was on. Nick's face was normally expressive, but Jarrod had watched it go from bright and cheerful to dark and gloomy twice in the last five minutes. Something was definitely on his brother's mind.
"Today's more mental work than anything," Nick said. "Lists, lists, and more lists. The real work starts tomorrow."
"Well, unfortunately, I won't be able to join you for a few more days." Jarrod told them.
"Darn!" Heath teased. "And we need the brains today."
"I'll have you know I've got this all planned out in my mind." Nick told him.
"Well, then, we should have the cattle to market in time to get home for Christmas."
Jarrod laughed with the others, happy to see Nick joining in. Whatever was on Nick's mind this morning couldn't be too serious, he hoped, that they couldn't work it out together.
Part 4
Jarrod got his chance to talk privately with Nick that evening. As usual, Nick and Heath came in covered in sweat and dirt. Jarrod marveled at the fact that grown men could get so dirty just making "lists".
"Now, you just make sure you rinse that tub when you get out, big brother." Heath was saying as he closed the door. "I'm wearing enough of my own dirt, I don't need any of yours."
"Actually, Heath, I was wondering if I might have a word with Nick." Jarrod interrupted. "That would give you first chance at a bath, for once."
"For once!" Nick glared at Jarrod, then at Heath. "I've let you go first before."
"Name the last time." Heath prompted. As Nick's brow furrowed in thought, Heath added "Uh-huh. Just like I thought. You have a real nice chat with Jarrod, and I'll try to leave you a clean tub." He was halfway up the stairs when he heard his brothers laughing.
Nick followed Jarrod into the study and closed the door behind him. Jarrod watched as Nick poured himself a healthy drink, downed it in one shot, then poured another.
"That bad?" Jarrod asked.
"No, just thirsty."
"C'mon, Nick, I know you. What's bothering you?"
"Who says anything is bothering me?" Nick challenged his brother.
"I was watching you at breakfast."
"Oh."
"You came in the room positively glowing, then left looking like you'd just lost your best friend. Except for when Heath walked in the room. Then you just looked guilty. Problems, Nick?"
"No, not exactly."
"Then, what is it?" Jarrod probed.
"Did you know Heath likes morning better than any other time of the day? That he gets up early just to watch the sunrise?"
"No, I didn't know that."
"And do you know why he likes to watch the sunrise?"
"No."
"I don't either! And that's the problem."
Jarrod's brow furrowed in confusion. Nick was trying to tell him something, but he wasn't making much sense. At the risk of angering his brother further, Jarrod had to admit he didn't see where this was going.
"I said, Jarrod, I don't know why he likes the sunrise."
"Did you ask him?"
"Should I? Can I?"
Suddenly Jarrod understood Nick's trail of thought, and the deeper meaning behind it.
"You're wondering if it would be okay to ask Heath personal questions."
Nick nodded, relief at Jarrod's understanding evident in his expression.
"There's so much we don't know about him, Jarrod. Why does he like the sunrise? Does he prefer bacon or ham with breakfast? What's his favorite color? If it were you, I'd just ask. If he'd grown up here, we'd know."
"So, you're saying as much as you'd like to know our brother better, you're not sure how to do it?"
"Yes. We can't just all pester him with a bunch of questions. There's four of us to one of him, he'd probably feel like we were ganging up on him."
"Is there any particular reason why this is bothering you now, when it didn't a month ago?" Jarrod asked.
"I didn't like him a month ago!"
Jarrod sat behind the desk, resting his elbow on the desktop and his chin in his hand, trying not to smile at the typically Nick-type answer he'd just received. He had been thinking about this, too, just not as emotionally as his volatile younger brother. So far, he hadn't found an answer, either.
"Nick, when you found him, down in that hole where Dace threw him, do you remember what his first expression was?"
"Yeah, fear. He looked like he thought I was going to hurt him. Two seconds later his face was expressionless. Then, when I took the gag out of his mouth, he tried to smile."
"He probably was afraid of you, at first. But then he covered it up, closed himself off."
"You don't know what that felt like, him looking at me like he was afraid of me." Nick downed his drink, trying to steady his voice.
"Nick, he didn't know you'd changed your mind. Not until you actually helped him."
"So, where does this lead to?"
"I'm not sure. I'm just wondering if there won't always be times he shuts us out? Maybe we'll never know all we want to know."
"Jarrod, he's our brother."
"I know that. But you and I don't even know all there is to know about each other, and we were raised together. We haven't spent every waking moment together since birth."
"So, what do we do?"
"Maybe we need to approach this as one would a new friend, get to know him gradually."
"You think that's the answer?
"I don't know for sure, Nick. I do know, if we treat this like a problem, and Heath finds out about it, it's just going to make him feel more pressured. Then he's liable to close himself off even more. Okay?"
Nick still looked unconvinced, but he saw the sense in Jarrod's words, and nodded. Jarrod came out from behind the desk and stood in front of Nick, one hand on his brother's shoulder.
"Give it time, Nick. We'll find our way. Maybe being on the drive will help, the three of us out together. We can talk, maybe get to know him better. Now, I suggest you see if Heath is finished in the bathroom. You know how Mother is about having dinner on time."
"And she won't appreciate my promptness if I show up smelling like the cattle." Nick put down his empty glass and headed for the door. As he opened the door to leave, he turned back and smiled at his brother. "Thanks, Jarrod."
Jarrod watched Nick leave the room, then sighed deeply. He only hoped his advice to Nick was right.
Part 5
Heath was just coming down the stairs when Nick came out of the study.
"Good, you're done!" Nick said loudly, as he hurried up the stairs past Heath.
Heath smiled as he joined Victoria and Audra in the front room. Nick was something else, he thought. The man worked a full, hard day, and still had enough energy to run up the stairs. He poured himself a drink, just as Jarrod joined them. Heath's happy mood vanished. Jarrod's face was unreadable, but his eyes spoke volumes, as he watched Heath closely.
"They were talking about me," Heath thought. "I don't know how I know, but I know they were." He took the chair near the fireplace and nursed his drink.
Victoria watched Heath's smile fade as Jarrod entered the room, just as she had watched Nick's expressions change at breakfast that morning. Something was wrong, that much she knew. What she didn't know was what to do about it.
Victoria and Audra already loved Heath, just as much as they loved Jarrod and Nick. Victoria knew that love was important to Heath. Perhaps more important, however, was acceptance. Heath need to feel accepted, just as he was, by all of them, but especially by Jarrod and Nick. Leah had done a fine job of raising Heath, he was a man any mother would be proud of. But, finding and accepting his place in the Barkley business, that would require the guidance of his brothers. And Victoria worried about that. How could they help him, how could he accept their guidance, if the three of them couldn't accept each other?
She looked up as Nick bounded down the stairs, freshly scrubbed and smiling and looking like a little boy again. Victoria smiled at her middle son. Her strained look wasn't lost on Nick; he'd noticed her gazing at Heath when he started down the stairs. When she looked up at him, Nick tilted his head toward Heath, then winked. Victoria's heart swelled as her smile brightened. Whatever problem was troubling her sons, they would work it out. She had Nick's promise.
Part 6
Victoria's resolve to be patient faded as each day passed that week. Each night, as Heath dragged to the dinner table, looking more and more exhausted, she had to force herself to hold her tongue. On Wednesday night, he almost fell asleep playing cards with Audra after dinner. On Thursday night, Heath didn't even make it through dinner before he started nodding off. He looked startled as his head dropped, then jerked back upright. Looking around at the bewildered looks of the others, he pushed his chair back and quietly excused himself.
Heath dragged himself up the stairs to his room. "They'll probably talk about me again" he thought wearily, "but I really don't care. I'm so tired I could go to sleep right here on the stairs."
The others sat silently at the table, listening to his slow footsteps treading up the stairs, then down the hall. When she heard his door shut, Victoria turned to her remaining children.
"If you are finished eating, I'd like a word with all of you in the front room. Now." She left the table.
Victoria waited patiently, until the others had joined her, and Jarrod had poured an after-dinner drink for everyone.
"Now, I want an answer. Why does that boy look like he's about to drop? Just how hard have you been working him, Nick?"
"Mother, we've all been working hard. And we'll be working even harder, when we leave."
"But you're not falling asleep over the dinner table."
"Mother, I'm just as confused as you are. Heath works harder than anyone I've ever seen, including me sometimes. But, none of us are working to the point of exhaustion." Nick said sincerely.
"Have you asked him if he needs any help?" Victoria probed.
Nick looked to Jarrod for assistance. Jarrod shrugged slightly and said nothing.
"Does this have anything to do with what happened earlier this week?" she asked.
"Nick and I did discuss Heath, or rather, how to handle Heath, if that's what you mean."
"What do you mean, how to handle him?"
"Mother, think about it," Nick explained. "We don't know anything about Heath, not really. And we're not sure if we should just ask questions when we want to know something, or wait and see what happens."
"It's not like we can just hand him a sheet of paper, with questions on it, like an interview." Jarrod added.
"If he would even answer them." Audra said.
"She's got a point there." Jarrod admitted.
"How does he get along with the other men?" Victoria asked them.
"He fired Barrett yesterday." Nick said.
"Nick hired him back." Jarrod added.
At the shocked looks from Victoria and Audra, Nick hurried to explain himself.
"Mother, we need every man we have on this drive, and then some. It's not just our cattle we have to worry about, we've got four other families thrown in with us this time. And, it's not just about the cattle."
"Nick's right. This is an idea Father presented to the other families in the valley long ago. We were finally able to persuade them, this year, that a combined drive was the right thing to do." Jarrod explained. "If we can see this through, that will go a long way toward proving to the people of this valley that Tom Barkley's sons can carry on the tradition of leadership that he started."
"That leadership that's been sorely tested since Heath came." Nick told them quietly. At his Mother's look, Nick held up his hand. "I'm not denying his right to be here, or suggesting that any of them are right in their thinking. But, while some of the people in this valley have accepted Heath as one of us, an equal amount are questioning our right to hold ourselves the way we do."
"And, if you're hearing things like that, I wonder what Heath is hearing?" Audra wondered.
"I think if we continue to accept Heath, as we have, that problem will go away." Victoria said. "Our scandal will only be interesting until the next one comes along. Now, we have to figure out what's going on during the day, while he's working. Is he having trouble with the men, anything that you know of?"
"Not that I've noticed, other than Barrett." Nick admitted. "'Course, he probably wouldn't say anything, either. And Jarrod and I thought it best not to ask too many questions. You know, act more natural."
"Can you send him out alone, with a small crew, tomorrow morning?" Jarrod asked Nick.
"To do what? All that's left to do is last minute details. We roll at dawn, day after tomorrow."
"Well, send him out to do one last count." As Nick threw up his hands in exasperation, Jarrod hurried to explain. "Send him out alone with some of the men. We'll follow about an hour later, and see if we can find out anything. Okay, Nick?"
Nick reluctantly agreed. He sure didn't want to send Heath out alone, possibly with men who couldn't be trusted. At the same time, he couldn't ask his brother what was wrong. Nick sighed deeply and nodded his head.
"Nick, whatever it is, we'll work it out." Jarrod told him gently.
"I know, I just wish...." he broke off with a sudden glance at his mother.
"Wish what, Nick?" she asked. "That he'd never come here?"
"No, not that. That he hadn't had to come into our lives the way he did."
Jarrod smiled at his brother.
"We all wish that, Nick. We'll just do what we need to do to get through this. Now, I think we should follow Heath's example and get some sleep. Tomorrow might prove to be a very long day."
Part 7
Heath looked well rested, and much more cheerful, the next morning at breakfast. Liberally filling his plate, he poured a cup of coffee and sipped it, before digging into ham and eggs.
"You have a good appetite this morning." Victoria remarked.
"I missed most of dinner last night." Heath admitted.
"Well, today is just wrapping up last minute details, no strenuous work. Early to bed, and tomorrow we leave." Nick said.
"Anything special you want me to do?" Heath asked.
"Actually, there is. I want you to take Brown, Lillard, and Barrett and do one last count on the herd. Make sure we haven't lost any overnight."
Nick was careful to speak casually, while watching for Heath's reaction. He wasn't disappointed. Heath said nothing, but he visibly tensed, almost unnoticeably, and pushed his eggs around for a few minutes before nodding briefly and eating another mouthful. Nick turned the conversation to other matters. Although no one commented, they all noticed Heath did not join in.
An hour later, Jarrod was having trouble keeping Nick calm.
"You said an hour, Jarrod. It's been an hour. I say we go find out what's going on. Now!"
"Alright, Nick. But we ride casually. We don't want to let them know we're coming until we're already there."
Nick had already briefed McCall on what they were planning, and given him instructions for keeping the work moving in his absence. He and Jarrod mounted quickly, and rode out.
"I sent him out to the far end of the north pasture. If we circle around this way, we'll come up on that end, and we'll be able to see the whole pasture. Then we can watch them, before we actually ride down and interrupt."
Jarrod nodded his agreement, and followed his brother. The day was hot and sunny, and it wasn't long before Jarrod was sweating profusely. He pulled his hat off his head, and wiped his forehead with his shirt sleeve.
"How do you do this every day, Nick?"
"Do what?"
"Sweat."
Nick threw his head back and laughed.
"You get used to it, Jarrod. Chasing cattle all day is not clean desk work. Still want to come along?"
"Wouldn't miss it for the world."
Jarrod wasn't the only one sweating. Heath also pulled his hat off, wiped his brow with his arm, and replaced his hat, sighing deeply. He hadn't even made a dent in counting the cattle, and Nick would expect him to be done by dinnertime. It was hard counting three thousand head by himself. His three "helpers" had long since left him to go swimming.
Heath knew many of the men did not respect him. Some even went so far as to make comments about his parentage, although never when Nick was around. Or McCall. Now, there was a good man, Heath thought. Whatever he may have thought about Heath's arrival at the ranch, he took it in stride, and continued to take his orders from the boss, and occasionally the boss' younger brother. A man like that was hard to find, and Heath was grateful that one of the hands was openly on his side.
Trouble was, Nick expected the men to show Heath the same level of respect they gave to Nick or Jarrod. Nick just would not accept, or understand, that some of the men would never do that. To Nick, it was simple: give a man a job to do, and expect him to do it. Unfortunately, when Heath tried to fire one of his personal persecutors, Nick just hired him back.
Heath knew they needed every available man for the drive. He knew just how much was at stake, and not just in terms of cattle or money. He knew the family had suffered by his arrival in the valley. Heath would do whatever was necessary, endure whatever was forced upon him, to show how grateful he was, and how determined he was to be a part of this family. He only wished some people wouldn't delight in making his road harder than it was.
He felt their presence before he saw them, the two riders high on the hill. Heath knew, even at that distance, that it was Nick and Jarrod. As they started down the hill toward him, he sighed again. Well, they would eventually have learned that his help left him. Best to get it over with now. Maybe Nick would see the men were not ready for Heath to be in charge.
As they neared where he was, waiting atop Charger, Heath saw the deep scowl on Nick's face. He squared his shoulders, waiting for the harsh words and the lecture he knew was coming. To his surprise, Jarrod spoke first.
"Making any progress?'
"Some." Heath answered.
"Where's your help?"
"Not sure."
"Heath, how long were you going to let this go on?" Nick asked quietly.
"I'm not sure what you mean."
"You know exactly what I mean. The men don't respect you. The men won't follow your orders. The men won't even work with you when they don't have to."
"Some do." Heath defended himself.
"Name one."
"McCall."
Heath's answer came so quickly, and so unexpectedly, that Nick burst out laughing. Seeing Heath's face redden with anger, he quickly sobered.
"Heath, I'm not laughing at you. McCall would follow Coco's orders if I told him to, you know that."
"Heath, we just want to help you. Why didn't you tell us what was going on?" Jarrod asked gently.
"Don't know."
"I think you do know. Maybe you didn't want to disappoint us. Maybe you thought you could handle things by yourself. Maybe you thought we just wouldn't care. Am I getting any closer?"
Heath wouldn't answer Jarrod's questions. He set his jaw tightly, and stared out into the distance.
"Number one, no one here can handle everything by themselves, not even me." Nick told him. "We're a family, we work together. Number two, we do care, but we can't help you if we don't know what the problem is. Which leads me to number three, and the only real way you can disappoint us is to refuse to let us help you."
"Heath, we know this isn't easy for you, any more than it's easy for us. That's why we have to make an effort to stick together."
"And, maybe I need to get rid of some men when the drive is over, starting with those three." Nick was sure Heath was listening, even though he still sat silently. "Look, Heath, if I thought I could fire them now, I would. I want to, really I do. But, at the same time, I've got a job to do."
"The cattle comes first." Heath said finally.
"No," Nick corrected. "You come first."
Heath smiled, the first real smile they'd seen in days.
"Oh, I think I'll be okay."
"But you'll let us know if there are any more problems?" Jarrod prompted.
"I can't promise that." Heath said.
"You'll think about it?"
"That I can promise."
"Good. Now, let's head back. I'm ready for lunch."
"What's he going to do on the trail, Heath, where mealtimes don't come regular like he's used to?" Nick wondered.
"I don't know. I hope we don't end up carrying him home, all weak from hunger and exhaustion." Heath winked at Nick.
"I'll have you both know I'm perfectly capable of missing a few meals, and doing a full day's work."
"Next you'll be telling me you can beat me back to the house."
"I can, Nick, any day."
"Prove it." Nick gathered up Coco's reins.
"But I haven't finished counting." Heath reminded Nick.
"Boy, I know how many cattle are out here! Now let's go. Lunch is waiting."
Part 8
The first week of the drive passed uneventfully, except for a few minor mishaps, and Nick felt better every day about their ability to honor their commitment to their neighbors. Nick realized, better than anyone, what a huge undertaking this was. If he failed, the whole drive failed. The Barkleys could stand the loss, but it would not be easy.
A small part of his mind realized there was no possible way he could be responsible for the entire drive. Yes, he was in charge. Yes, all decisions and results rested on his shoulders. But, there were so many variable that could affect the success of the drive, and Nick was realistic enough to know that he might fail, no matter how hard he tried. He just wouldn't admit it out loud.
Adding to his stress was the need to keep Heath working beside either himself or Jarrod. It might have been an unnecessary precaution; the men probably wouldn't bother Heath now, out in the open, with so many witnesses, but Nick wasn't taking any chances. It meant he couldn't use Heath's talents as fully as he would have liked, but his brother's safety was more important.
Heath was fully aware of what Nick was doing, and he was grateful beyond words. Not that Nick would have listened to him anyway, if Heath had tried to thank him. Nick would feel he was just doing his job. But, Heath understood the sacrifice. And, under the watchful eyes of his brothers, Heath began to relax more. He smiled more often, and he was beginning to lose that closed-off look, the look that Nick once described to Jarrod as "his mind just shut the door in my face".
While Heath understood the sacrifice, he didn't necessarily like it. For the first time in his adult life, he felt like he wasn't pulling his own weight at work. This was a new concept for Heath, one he would have to try to accept, the idea that someone else could be responsible for him and take care of him, someone besides his mama.
Tonight, as they gathered near the fire after dinner, Nick groaned loudly as he sat on the hard ground.
"Tired?" Heath asked.
"Very."
Jarrod raised one eyebrow and turned to Heath.
"And wasn't I supposed to be the one crying for my soft bed?"
"That's what Nick said." Heath agreed.
They turned to Nick, and burst out laughing at his dark look.
"Nick, we're just teasing." Heath said.
"Yes, brother Nick, we know you're under a lot of pressure on this drive."
"Oh, Jarrod, you don't know the half of it."
"Sure I do. You keep repeating it, hourly, to anyone who will listen."
"That's so you'll understand, and not forget. We took on a big job here, and if I repeat myself, well, it's not my fault."
"That's been your anthem since you learned how to talk, 'it's not my fault'." Jarrod teased.
Now it was Nick's turn to laugh.
"I recall a few times when it didn't help me much." he said.
"Like the time you cut Audra's hair?"
"What? You cut Audra's hair? Why?" Heath was curious.
"Like I said, it wasn't my fault!"
"I think you better explain."
"Well, we went fishing one afternoon, Audra and I. She was seven or eight at the time, and I don't think Mother had ever cut her hair, so it was real long. Anyway, the fish weren't biting, and we soon got bored. There were some berry bushes nearby, and we decided to pick a few berries. Then Audra threw one at me. So, I threw one back. Pretty soon, we were chasing each other with handfuls of berries. Until she got her hair caught on a bush."
"What did you do?"
"Well, I did what any good brother would do. I took out my knife, and cut her loose. She had a lot of hair, and she refused to tie it up, like Mother was always telling her to. So, I cut her loose, she fluffed her hair a bit, and we went home with the idea that no one would ever notice."
"Until Mother gave her a bath that night." Jarrod added drily.
"Yeah. Jarrod and I were downstairs with Father, when we heard it."
"Heard what?" Heath asked.
"NICHOLAS JOHNATHON BARKLEY!!"
"Yeah," Nick laughed. "Mother was furious. She kept asking me 'what were you thinking?'"
"And Nick just stood there chanting 'it's not my fault'" Jarrod added.
"Mother had to cut her hair."
"And you wanted to eat standing up for a few days."
Heath laughed at the mental picture his brothers had painted.
"That must be a mother thing." he said.
"What's that?" Jarrod asked.
"Calling you by your full name when you're in trouble."
"Yeah, I don't recall Father doing it as much. And he was always more understanding, especially when I did something dumb." Nick told Heath.
"Father would always ask if we had an explanation." Jarrod added. "Mother just wanted to know what we were thinking."
"Hey, Jarrod, tell me some more dumb things Nick did." Heath prompted.
The brothers sat talking quietly as the shadows deepened into night. McCall guided the men in their necessary duties, keeping them away from the trio near the fire. None of the men tried to interrupt, not even the one watching from the shelter of a grove of trees, the one with the angry look on his face.
Part 9
Heath trudged wearily into camp and sighed as he watched the setting sun. For all that he loved sunrise, he disliked the sunset just as equally. There was something somber and depressing about watching the day end. At times like these, Heath preferred to be indoors somewhere, either inside washing up, or in a barn tending to a horse. Something about looking after the needs of another creature soothed his spirit. And, when he went outside again, darkness would have fully descended.
On a drive, however, he didn't have the luxury of escaping indoors. There was no indoors. So he usually tried to keep busy and wait for the time to pass. Tonight that wasn't working. Maybe he was more tired than usual, maybe the strain of watching over his shoulder all the time was getting to him. Heath couldn't stop the feeling of loneliness that washed over him. Dusk always made him think of fall, and dying plants and cold, lonely evenings. And Mama.
Heath thought back to other times, other nights like this, when he'd been truly alone, out on the trail, or working some stranger's spread. Nothing ever belonged to him, except for what he carried. Nothing ever left with him, unless it was one of his belongings, or a memory tucked away in his heart. And his mama's love, he always knew he had that. It was the one thing he could always count on.
Now, mama was gone, and he had a new family. Heath was beginning to love them, as he hoped they were beginning to love him. It was strange, this business of finding a new family. Not like finding a new woman, or a new horse, that you eventually love in some fashion. Not even like mama, who had always been there, the one person you were certain would always love you. Finding a new family was somewhere in between; you began by loving them, the best way you knew how, and you hoped they would always be there, even if you weren't sure they would be.
"Penny for your thoughts." He hadn't heard Nick walk up behind him.
"Do you have one, or would you have to borrow from Jarrod?"
"Oh, I think I could find one." Nick stood, staring out into the deepening shadows, wondering what had caught Heath's attention.
"Problems?"
"None I can't handle."
"Are the men giving you trouble again?" Nick demanded.
Heath smiled.
"No, Nick, I think they're all afraid of you."
"Good!"
The conversation died again, and Nick decided to try another direction.
"You know, Heath, if something's bothering you, it might help to talk about it."
"Some things shouldn't be talked about."
"Problems are usually easier if you share them with someone."
"And some things just shouldn't be shared."
Nick sighed deeply.
"Boy, you know this conversation just isn't going anywhere."
"Then leave it."
Heath said the last without raising his voice, without anger or ill will. It almost seemed to Nick as though he spoke with reluctant acceptance.
"You know what I want?" Heath said suddenly.
"What?"
"I want to be able to talk to you."
"We are talking."
"No, not just passing the time of day. I want to be able to, well, you know, sometimes there are important thing you want to talk about."
"Heath, if you're worried about offending me, don't. Just say what's on your mind."
"I can't do that, Nick."
"Why not?"
"It's not real easy to explain, Nick. It's--I guess it's a way of defending yourself, to just keep quiet, never have an opinion. People can't hurt you if they don't know anything about you."
"No one in the family wants to see you hurt, Heath, nor do they want to hurt you."
"My head knows that. My heart has to learn. And, what if I say or do the wrong thing? I don't want to hurt any of you, I know too well how it feels."
Nick stood silently, staring at nothing, letting Heath's words sink in. He felt he should say something to comfort his brother, but suddenly, Nick felt as though he were the one in need of comfort.
"See, I said the wrong thing again."
"No, Heath, it wasn't wrong, just--well, I guess I never really thought about people feeling the way you do. I always looked at life as a big game, something to be grabbed. I never thought about anyone not enjoying it as much as I do."
"Oh, I enjoy life. I just do it a lot more cautiously than you do."
"Well, I wish you wouldn't! At least, not around me." Nick laid his hand on Heath's shoulder. "Look, Heath, I'm not real sure what to say. Maybe it's easier for me to be open with you because that's just the way I am. Just remember, when you're ready to talk to me, about anything, I'll be there. I'll wait for you to be ready, okay?"
Heath nodded slightly, then smiled.
"Let's go find Jarrod. You owe me a penny."
Part 10
From his place near the tail end of the herd, Barrett watched the two riders pass, and glared at their backs.
"Look at him, riding with Nick. It's wrong, I tell you."
"Give it a rest, Barrett," Lillard implored. "We're tired of hearing about it. He ain't goin' anywhere, haven't you figured it out by now?"
"Yeah," Brown added. "Why you dislike him so much anyway? He's not so bad."
When Barrett didn't answer, Lillard decided to fire him up a bit.
"Or maybe you thought you'd be Nick Barkley's right hand man someday, when McCall got too old."
When Barrett didn't answer, Lillard started laughing.
"That's it! You think that pup took your place. Well, welcome back home, Barrett, he didn't take nothing from you. You never would have had it, ever."
"Yeah, you know blood counts more than anything else." Brown added. "Even if it's only half blood."
"Excuse me, I don't believe I heard you correctly, Brown." Brown froze at the voice he heard behind him. None of them had heard Jarrod ride up.
"Mornin' Mr. Barkley." Brown and Lillard said weakly. Barrett said nothing.
"Would you mind explaining that last statement, Mr. Brown."
"Explain what?"
" 'Half blood' Mr. Brown?" Jarrod pushed his hat back and waited.
"Well, it's what he is, Mr. Barkley. He's only half." Brown explained, a confused look on his face. "It don't mean he's a bad person, he's just what he is."
"Brown didn't mean nothing by that, Mr. Barkley." Lillard tried to explain. "There's some that do, but we don't."
Jarrod glanced at Barrett, who had chosen to remain silent.
"You call him names, but you don't mean anything by it?"
"Well, no." Brown shrugged his shoulders, and looked to Lillard for help. "But we don't call him names either."
"We didn't mean no disrespect, Mr. Barkley." Lillard apologized.
Jarrod stared at them for a moment, then nodded at the pair.
"Alright, but I'd appreciate not hearing that said again. Is that clear?"
They nodded, and Jarrod rode off. Barrett turned to his friends with a look of deep disgust.
" 'We didn't mean no disrespect, Mr. Barkley'. You two make me sick. Groveling to the boss."
"I didn't mean anything by it, Barrett." Brown insisted. "He don't bother me."
"Well, he bothers me." Barrett said. "And maybe I need to do something about it."
Part 11
"Good morning! Nice of you to join us." Nick said as Jarrod rode up to join them.
"Morning." Jarrod's greeting was somewhat less than cheerful.
"Well, now, what's eating you?"
"Nothing, Nick, just leave it alone."
"What do you mean, nothing?"
"He means, nothing he wants to talk about right now, Nick." Heath said quietly.
Nick just looked more confused as Jarrod shot a look at Heath. Two pairs of blue eyes met in silent conversation, and Jarrod knew Heath realized what had happened. He expected anger or sadness, and felt somewhat defeated when he saw that Heath's expression was one of resignation.
"What's going on?" Nick asked.
"Jarrod was talking to two of my best friends, Brown and Lillard."
"What did they say?" Nick demanded.
"I was hoping you didn't see, Heath." Jarrod said to him, as though Nick had never spoken.
"Oh, I saw, and I can guess what they were talking about." Heath replied.
"What did they say?" Nick asked again.
"What they said isn't important, Nick. Well, it is, but it isn't."
"Best get used to it, Jarrod. I have." Heath advised.
"Well, I don't want to get used to it. You shouldn't have to, either."
"Will someone please tell me what they said!"
"I don't know the exact words, Nick, since I wasn't there. But I guess it would have something to do with me." Heath answered. Jarrod's nod confirmed his suspicions.
"Jarrod, WHAT did they say?"
"What they said isn't important. It's nothing to get excited about. But, like I said, you best get used to it."
"Heath, why do you keep saying that?" Jarrod asked.
"Well, I guess they said something you didn't like about where I came from." Jarrod nodded, so Heath continued. "As long as I'm here, people will talk. And, sometimes, you'll get to hear what they're saying. So, you best get used to it."
"But, they acted like they didn't mean anything bad by it."
"They might not have."
"What do you mean, Heath?" Jarrod asked, curiously.
"Haven't you two ever been called something you didn't like? Jarrod, I'm sure that once or twice you've been referred to as scheming or conniving. And Nick, I know you've been called a loud mouth by more than one person. Well, I'm the bastard."
"Now you stop that kind of talk." Nick insisted.
"It's what I hear, and worse. It's what you'll hear. But, Nick, it's a name to some people, and nothing more. It's where I started, but it's not where I am now, and it has nothing to do with who I am."
"Amen to that!" Jarrod said, relieved.
"Well, I still want to know what they said, so I can decide whether to punch them in the face, or just fire them."
Jarrod and Heath laughed at Nick's notion that a beating from him was worse than being fired.
"Nick, I think I can honestly say that you are finally, totally, one hundred percent on the side of our little brother." Jarrod told him.
"Well, where else would I be?" Nick winked at Heath. Jarrod just rolled his eyes and shook his head. "C'mon, let's go chase some cows."
Part 12
Charger walked slowly back to camp, and Heath let the horse take his time. Charger's mood matched his own, and Heath had no desire to hurry back and face Nick's wrath.
Yesterday had been such a wonderful day. When Jarrod had voiced his disgust at what Brown and Lillard had said, then Nick had taken his side, Heath had felt ten feet tall. He just knew no one had ever felt so appreciated and so cared for. If this was what it meant to be part of a family, then Heath was glad he'd found the Barkley's, glad they'd taken him in.
Today was a different story. It had started well enough, with Heath watching the sunrise, breathing deeply the fresh, early morning air. He'd thought he was alone, until he heard a twig snap behind him.
"That is a beautiful sight." Nick said softly.
"Mornin'" Heath answered.
They stood silently for awhile, Heath letting the first rays of the sun play across his face. Closing his eyes, he breathed deeply and smiled.
"I think watching the sun rise refreshes you more than a good night's sleep." Nick told him.
"It does. The sunrise, the morning air, it's all a fresh start, Nick. No matter how bad yesterday might have been, today is a new day."
"When you talk like that, it reminds me of something Father might say."
Heath didn't answer. When Nick sneaked a look at him, he saw that the closed look had returned to Heath's face, a look Nick hadn't seen for days. He sighed.
"Heath, I didn't mean anything bad by what I said. If you don't want me to talk about him, tell me."
"No, I was thinking it must bother you, that I remind you of him."
"No, it doesn't, not at all. At first, yeah, but that's over now. Now, well, I'm just glad he left something of himself behind."
Heath smiled, and Nick felt a little twinge in his heart at the smile that so reminded him of his father. Then he smiled back. His father might be gone, but he'd left him a new brother, and that was a good thing.
"The drive's almost over." Heath commented.
"Yeah, and part of me is really glad to see it end."
"But it's gone well, right?"
"Yes, yes it has. No real problems. But, all the same, I'll be glad to see it end." Nick turned to leave. "C'mon, let's go shake Jarrod out of his blanket."
"He still sleeping?"
"Was when I left. Probably still is."
The brothers walked back to camp in companionable silence. They found Jarrod pouring a cup of coffee, and rubbing sleep from his eyes. Nick nudged Heath with his elbow.
"Lawyer needs his soft bed, what do you think?"
"I think you're absolutely right, brother Nick."
"And good morning to you, too." Jarrod grumbled sleepily.
"Lawyer needs some home cooked food, and good coffee too." Heath teased. The two burst out laughing at Jarrod's morose expression.
"If you two are quite finished, I'm sure we can find some work to do."
The brothers rode away from the camp, toward the herd and the brand new day. Heath was riding high on good spirits. With the support he'd received yesterday, and the little talk he'd had with Nick earlier, he felt he could accomplish anything today.
Until he tried to get away from his brother's watchful eye. It had started as an innocent suggestion, that he go ride with McCall for awhile. It didn't take Nick long to explode.
"You want to do what?"
"You heard me, Nick. I thought I'd go ride with McCall for awhile."
"Now, why do you want to do that?"
"Call it a change of scenery, Nick. We've spent every waking minute of the last two and a-half weeks together. Maybe we could use a change, a little time apart."
"So, you're tired of my company?"
"Nick, that's not what he means." Jarrod told him.
Heath closed his eyes briefly, and sighed. It had seemed like an innocent suggestion. Now, Nick was mad at him. Jarrod would end up in the middle, playing referee. It would end up just like all those times when he'd first come to the ranch. Heath wished he'd never said anything. But, there was nothing to do but go on, and hope for the best.
"Nick, you said yourself the drive's been quiet. Nothing's happened. Maybe nothing will happen."
"Yeah, as long as you stay with me and Jarrod."
"Nick, I can't stay on your leash forever. I need some space."
"And what if something happens to you? There's still some of the men who'd like nothing more than to see you gone from here."
"I'll stay with McCall. Nick, I'm a grown man, I'm used to pulling my own weight. I haven't done any of that on this drive."
"And I'm used to having my orders obeyed." Nick countered.
"So now you're handing out orders?"
"I think we should table this discussion for now, before someone says something they don't really mean." Jarrod put in.
Jarrod was between his brothers, literally and figuratively. Both men had valid concerns. Both men were equally stubborn. Jarrod had stood in court and verbally beaten down men as strong-willed as these two. But now, for a rare moment, he was facing an argument he didn't want to pursue. These were his brothers, and one had to lose.
Heath took the argument away from him. Gathering up Charger's reins tightly, he spurred the big horse into action.
"I'll see you two tonight." he called over his shoulder as he rode away.
Jarrod watched him go, then looked back at Nick. The dark look he received answered his unspoken question. It was going to be a long day.
If Heath had known of Jarrod's mental prediction, he would have agreed wholeheartedly. It had been a long day. McCall had seemed surprised, and slightly less than pleased, to see Heath riding toward him. He covered quickly, though, and gave Heath instructions for the day. Unfortunately, Brown and Lillard were also working nearby, although Barrett was nowhere to be seen.
Maybe Heath was distracted by his thoughts. Maybe the wind was blowing the wrong way. Maybe the cattle knew their time was drawing to a close. Whichever, it seemed Heath spent the bulk of the day chasing down strays. He spilled half the water from his canteen, and lost his hat briefly. It just had not been one of his better days, and now he had to go back to camp and face that infamous Nick Barkley temper.
The icing on the cake was the setting sun. Heath had been out longer than he intended. The sun was setting, and he was riding along with the deepening shadows. This time of day was bad enough by itself, he thought. Did he have to endure it along with everything else that had already gone wrong today?
"Well, look who we have here. Where's your guard dogs?"
A chill ran up Heath's spine at the sound of Barrett's voice, riding up beside him. He forced himself to look nonchalant, riding along slowly, staring straight ahead.
"You alone tonight?" Barrett asked.
Heath didn't answer him. Barrett was enjoying every minute of this little interlude. He knew, no matter how much the little pup might try to hide it, this one was a little bit afraid of him. Oh, he'd never admit it, but the fear was there. Fear, and anger, and there was nothing Heath could do about it. Barrett fed on it, it made him feel powerful.
"You know, there's no way you'll see the end of this drive, right?"
Barrett heard the slight intake of breath, stifled quickly.
"Funny how accidents can happen when you least expect it, you know what I mean?"
"Barrett, if you're trying to tell me something, just say it." Heath exploded.
"Not trying to tell you anything you don't already know. You don't mean nothing to them, and you know it. Where are they now, when you're alone with me, huh? Don't see them around nowhere, do you?"
Heath didn't answer, but he knew Barrett was right. Neither Nick nor Jarrod were anywhere to be seen. For that matter, there wasn't a single human in sight, nothing but seemingly endless miles of cattle.
"What do you want, Barrett?"
"Just want to warn you, that's all. You be careful, watch your back. Never know when an 'accident' might happen, you know?"
Heath watched Barrett ride off. His stomach clenched as a shudder ran up his spine. He was afraid of Barrett, and that fear disgusted him. It took a long moment for him to regain his composure, before he urged Charger to move a bit faster toward camp.
Part 13
Nick sipped hot coffee and stared into the fire.
"Where is he?"
"Nick, he'll probably be back here any minute." Jarrod said.
"You heard what McCall said. He hasn't seen him since early afternoon."
"I'm sure he's okay."
"Jarrod, you're not any more sure of anything than I am."
"Easy, Nick."
"Easy, nothing. It's not working, Jarrod. One day we're talking, really talking, getting to know each other. Then the next day we're arguing. This isn't right, Jarrod."
"Nick, we argue, a lot. We're still friends."
"That's different, Jarrod. We argue, and later we talk about it. Or mutually agree to forget about it. Either way, I know, no matter how stupid I might be sometimes, you'll still be there. I don't know that with him, I don't know what to say, I don't know how to act. It's wearing me thin, Jarrod, really thin and tired."
"Him?"
"What?"
"Him. You just called Heath 'him'. You haven't done that in weeks, Nick."
"I didn't mean anything by it."
"I think you did."
"Well, maybe you're right, maybe I did. Maybe Heath's way is better."
"And what way would that be?"
"Don't give anything of yourself, to anyone. Keep everything inside, don't share, don't have an opinion."
"Nick, he does that to protect himself."
"And maybe it's a good idea. Wrap your arms around yourself, protect yourself."
"I had no idea you felt this way."
"I'm trying not to, Jarrod. I'm trying to do this your way, take things slowly, let matters work out in their natural course. But, I can't do it anymore. When Heath rode off today, you have no idea how hard it was for me not to ride after him. You have no idea how much fear I've held inside during this drive, worrying every waking minute that something might happen to him. I know he still has enemies here, and I can't do a thing about it until the drive is over. Then, when I try to keep him close by, to make sure he's safe, he rides away. Just rides away, as if nothing was wrong."
Jarrod stared into the fire, watching the flames dance as he drank coffee and let Nick's words wash over him. If ever his brother needed comforting words, now was the time, and Jarrod couldn't think of a single one that didn't sound trite or overdone.
"Nothing to say, Jarrod?"
"Honestly, Nick, no; I can't make a single meaningful thought right now. And, for that, I'm sorry."
"Maybe we needed more time before the drive. Maybe Heath should have stayed back at the ranch."
"Do you really think that would have been a good idea, Nick?"
"I don't know. At least, if he wasn't here, I wouldn't have to worry about him."
Nick would say no more, and Jarrod decided not to pursue the matter, at least not right now. They had all been under a strain lately, Nick most of all, and maybe he just needed to brood for a while. Jarrod fixed them each a plate of food, and brought one to Nick, who barely acknowledged his older brother as he took the plate from him.
Jarrod looked over at him from time to time, as he ate his dinner in silence. Nick barely touched his food, spending his time staring into the fire and sipping coffee. It was fully dark now, and still there had been no sign of Heath. Jarrod looked up as a gust of cool wind came, seemingly out of nowhere.
"I hope that's not a storm brewing."
"Still think he's coming back, Jarrod?"
"Nick, you don't honestly think he just took off, do you?"
"Then where is he?" Nick demanded. As Jarrod opened his mouth to answer, Nick saw McCall ride in. "McCall!" Nick bellowed as the weary man handed his horse's reins to a waiting hand. "Have you seen Heath?"
"Yeah, about a half hour ago."
"Well, where is he?"
"Riding night guard, like you told him."
"What?" Both Nick and Jarrod yelled at the confused man.
"I didn't tell him anything." Nick said. "I haven't seen him since this morning."
"McCall, did he say anything, when you talked to him." Jarrod asked.
"No, he just said Nick told him to ride guard. I thought it was kinda strange, but he said Nick wanted extra men on tonight."
"Did he look okay?" Jarrod asked. When McCall hesitated, Jarrod asked again. "McCall, what aren't you telling us?"
"Well, Jarrod, he looked--well, he looked defeated, like he looked when he first came. I just figured he and Nick had had an argument."
"Who else is riding guard tonight?"
"Oh, there's Anderson, Simpson, Brown, Lillard, Barrett...." McCall's voice trailed off as Nick closed his eyes and turned away, and McCall realized what he'd just said. "Jarrod, you don't think..."
"I don't know, but we're going to find out. C'mon, Nick let's go."
Nick trailed along silently, blindly following Jarrod's path toward the horses. Jarrod turned to tell him to hurry, when he saw Nick's face, and stopped, forcing Nick to step back and look directly at his older brother.
"We'll find him, Nick, okay? Don't give up now."
Nick just nodded, praying Jarrod was right, as they quickly saddled their horses.
Part 14
Heath stared out into the darkness, over the backs of cows and more cows, without another human in sight. The sunset was behind him now, and the long, empty night stretched out ahead. He let Charger pick his way, with no particular destination in mind.
Heath had known McCall didn't need another guard tonight. These assignments were set well before the drive started. They would only need changing if a man were incapable of filling his spot. But, Heath hadn't been able to join the brotherly camaraderie around the fire tonight.
He had left Charger standing nearby, intending to unsaddle him and tend to his needs after having a word with Nick. Heath knew he'd left bad feelings behind when he rode off today. He knew Nick was only concerned for his safety, and even while he was making his break for freedom he had felt guilty. But he had to get away from his brothers' watchful eyes, if only for a day. Heath was a man well used to taking care of himself, had been for years, and he wasn't about to stop now, just because someone meant to harm him.
He could see them through the trees, Nick and Jarrod drinking coffee and talking intensely, if the looks on their faces meant anything. Just as he was about to make his presence known, Heath heard Nick say "if he hadn't come, I wouldn't have to worry about him".
Heath quietly dropped back through the brush, and grabbed Charger's reins. He slowly walked the horse away from where they'd been, until he didn't need to worry about being heard. Then he jumped on Charger and rode off. He'd ride guard tonight, even though another wasn't needed. He'd do anything to avoid going back there, where they were.
McCall had looked surprised when Heath told him the little story he concocted. They both knew another guard wasn't necessary, and even if one was, Nick wouldn't send Heath. But McCall was long used to doing what the boss said.
Heath felt badly about lying to McCall. The man had always been fair to him, had accepted him and helped him right from the start. He would find a way to apologize to the man, just as soon as he figured out what he was going to do.
He felt the cool breeze, wondering if a storm was brewing. He certainly could use a cup of coffee and some dinner. Better remember how hunger feels, he admonished himself. If you don't go back, your next good meal could be awhile away.
For Heath hadn't yet decided whether or not he would return to Stockton.
He mentally reviewed his options. He could always get a job on a ranch, even though it would be difficult this time of year. He could go back to San Francisco, and work the docks. He supposed he could even go back to the mines, although the thought made him cringe. He'd almost rather starve than go down below ground again.
He thought of all he'd be missing if he didn't go back. Certainly the nice house, soft bed, and regular food meant something. But those could be replaced. Maybe someday, he could even have a spread of his own, not as nice as the Barkley's probably, but it would be his.
Material things could be replaced. Family could not, and that's what Heath would miss the most, that sense of belonging to something greater that a family gave you. Of course, he hadn't really helped there, always holding himself in, not giving too much away. That had been his way of protecting himself, since people couldn't hurt you if they didn't know anything about you. that had been his way for so long, that it was second nature to him. When he'd have those moments, where he wanted to open up and express a feeling, or a thought, it was as though something kept holding his words inside. No matter how much he wanted to belong, he couldn't do anything to help himself. But slowly, so slowly he hadn't realized what was happening, they had drawn him in. Nick's boisterous ways, Jarrod's quiet intelligence, Audra's unreserved acceptance, Victoria's motherly love--one day, as he had gone to bed, he found himself smiling as he thought about his family. His family.
All that was gone now, wiped away by Nick's words. Heath knew what his mama would say.
"Maybe you misunderstood him, son. Maybe you need to try again."
Maybe mama was right this time. Maybe Nick didn't mean exactly what Heath had heard. It was hard to believe he did, they seemed to be getting closer every day. But mama's words eventually stopped being meaningful to the child who knew only ugliness whenever he stepped beyond his own doorstep. And they didn't mean much to the adult now, who had seen too much ugliness to be ready to truly believe in goodness.
'I tried, mama, I really tried. I'm too tired to try any more.' Hopefully his mama wouldn't think too badly of him, as she watched him give up and run away.
"Well, look who we have here! Out all alone, away from his watch dogs." Heath shivered as Barrett's slow drawl caused chills to run up his spine.
Part 15
Heath sat still in the saddle, barely daring to breathe. Barrett was right behind him, gun ready, even though Heath knew the man would get more personal satisfaction from beating him to death, than he would from shooting him.
"Take your gun out and drop it on the ground. Real slow."
Heath needed to be patient, and to keep Barrett from making any hasty decisions. Jarrod and Nick would find him soon, he was certain of that. Maybe mama was right, maybe he needed to find out what Nick meant by that statement, give him another chance if necessary. After all, this couldn't be any easier for them than it was for him.
Heath dropped his gun in the dirt. He let his breath out slowly, waiting for Barrett's next move.
"You just gonna sit there, not sayin' nothin'?" Barrett asked.
"What do you want me to say?"
"Hello, Mr. Barrett. How are you, Mr. Barrett? I'm sorry, Mr. Barrett."
"Now, what would I have to be sorry for?"
"Comin' here, ruining my life. I might have had somethin' someday, if you hadn't come along."
"Barrett, anything you thought you might have had, that was in your own mind."
"Nick would have made me foreman one day, 'til you came along."
"Nick had no plans like that, Barrett. Like I said, it's all in your mind."
"Well, we'll see, won't we. Get rid of you, then we'll see."
"You think that will solve everything?" Heath asked.
"He don't want you here! He's just pretendin', like his mama told him to do. Now, ride slowly, away from the herd."
"Take me out where we can't be found, is that it?"
"You got it."
Heath's mind worked furiously, as Charger walked along, with Barrett behind them. He had to think of something, he just wasn't sure what. Heath's mind was drawing a blank, no matter which way it turned.
"Get down."
Heath stopped Charger and dismounted. Patting the big horse's neck, as much for his own reassurance as the animal's, he waited.
"Now, walk away, out there in the brush."
"What's your plan, Barrett?"
"I'll let you know, when I'm ready. Now, move!"
Heath walked slowly out into the darkness. His mind was running pictures through, the faces of those he loved, his room at the ranch, Mama, Hannah, Mother, Nick....
"Barrett!"
Heath broke into a run, diving for the nearest pile of brush and the little bit of shelter it would give, as a burning pain shot through his leg. He covered his head with his arms as gunfire exploded from every direction, and a barrage of bullets screamed overhead.
Part 16
Where moments before the air had held the explosion of gunfire, now there was only an eerie silence. Heath later decided it was only fitting, since Nick's voice had been the last he'd heard before he dived behind the bush, that Nick's voice would be the first he heard now.
"Heath!"
Heath was slowly rolling over as his brothers reached his side.
"God, you've been shot!" Nick tried to examine Heath's leg.
"It's just a scratch." Heath insisted, swatting Nick's hand away. "I was moving, and Barrett's a bad shot. Where is he?"
"Dead." Jarrod moved aside slightly to let Heath see the body.
Heath just nodded, and let Nick pull him into a sitting position.
"It'll be daylight soon. Time to move some cattle."
"Heath, you've been shot." Nick insisted.
"So, I'll tie a rag around it. I can still ride."
"You should see a doctor."
"You hiding one in your pocket?" Heath asked, winking at Jarrod. "I'll see one when we get to the end of the drive. I've made it this far, I'm not stopping now."
Heath stood, slowly putting weight on his leg, until he decided it would hold him. He started to walk away, when Nick grabbed his arm.
"Heath, about last night..."
"Not now, Nick."
"But, I think we need to talk." Nick insisted.
"I said, not now. Later."
Nick looked to Jarrod for support, only to find him staring off into the distance. He turned back to Heath.
"When?" he asked quietly.
"I'll let you know." Heath said.
As Heath limped away, to join the other men, Jarrod came up and put his hand on Nick's shoulder.
"I need to talk to him, Jarrod."
"I know, Nick. You'll get your chance"
"When?"
"I don't know, Nick. I don't know."
"The drive is almost over, and we're no closer than we were when we left the house."
"I don't know if I'd agree with that, Nick."
"Why not?"
"He's still here, isn't he?" Nick didn't look quite convinced, so Jarrod continued. "C'mon, let's get some coffee and food, then let's get these animals moving. I'd kind of like this drive to be over."
Jarrod looked over his shoulder at one point, to see if Nick was still following. He was, still wearing the same lost, lonely look.
Part 17
The cattle had been sold, and the drive was over. Nick had sent the men back to the ranch, after a few days rest, in McCall's capable hands. He and his brothers were enjoying a leisurely ride home, a vacation of sorts. Stopping in small towns only long enough to pick up minimal supplies, resting when they pleased, sleeping late, it was the sort of private time they needed most right then.
They were laying around the fire, drinking coffee and enjoying the silence, when Heath suddenly chuckled.
"What's so funny?" Nick asked, startled.
"I was trying to picture the look on Mother's face when she discovered you had cut Audra's hair."
Jarrod and Nick joined in his laughter.
"It wasn't a pretty sight, let me tell you." Nick shuddered with the remembrance.
"Mother is a good looking woman, but when she gets angry, I swear her face changes." Jarrod said.
"I know that look." Heath sat up, so he could look at his brothers. "Mama was pretty, with laughing eyes and soft features. But, when she got angry, I swear her face got all hard, and her eyes flashed fire. She didn't look like the same woman anymore. Kinda scary."
"I had less occasion to receive that look than Nick did," Jarrod told him. "But I know what you're talking about. Almost like someone else just took over her body."
"Definitely not the same Mother we saw when we were sick, or hurt." Nick agreed.
"Then you go and do something dumb, like cutting Audra's hair, knowing she's gonna look at you like that."
"Well, Heath," Nick countered, ignoring Jarrod's laughter, "didn't you ever do anything dumb when you were a kid?"
"Oh, no, I was a perfect child." This only caused Jarrod to laugh harder, and Heath soon joined in. "Of course I did, Nick, I was a normal child in some ways."
"Tell me about one time." Nick demanded.
"Okay, one time." Heath poured more coffee in his cup, and made himself comfortable. "Well, we didn't have much money, so mama and Hannah took in laundry to make a few dollars. We weren't good enough to socialize with, but mama was good enough to wash their dirty clothes."
Jarrod shot Heath a look, but when he saw his brother spoke matter-of-factly, with no anger or malice in his look, Jarrod let his breath out slowly. Heath smiled at him, then continued.
"There was this woman in town, Mrs. Darnell. Her husband owned the bank, when we had one. She always brought her laundry to mama. She always switched her skirts away from me if I happened to be around, like I had dirt on me or something."
"You weren't in school?" Nick asked.
"No, that didn't work out well. Mama decided, with Rachel's help, that she could teach me at home just as well. Then I could be around to help out when needed."
Nick started to say something, then looked at Jarrod and closed his mouth. Their look wasn't lost on Heath.
"Look, if you two want to hear stories about my life, you're gonna hear things you don't like, okay?" When they both nodded, Heath went on. "Okay, so one day mama was doing Mrs. Darnell's laundry. I wasn't there when she brought it, I was over at Rachel's working on my reading. When I got back home, Hannah was there alone. Mama had gone to take Mrs. Young's laundry back to her. I was hoping to be able to play, since mama had to walk to Mrs. Young's house, with a full basket, so it would take awhile."
"Why didn't Mrs. Young come get her own laundry?" Jarrod wondered.
"She couldn't. She'd just had a baby, and was still weak. Mr. Young died in a mine accident while she was expecting, so the poor woman had nobody. She was planning to go back home when she felt better. So, mama would go get her laundry every few days, and spend some time with her, helping her out with the baby. Mama didn't make any money off her, she just did it because it was right."
"So, Hannah didn't need my help, so she sent me out to play, warning me to stay away from the clean laundry she'd just hung. Rachel and I were reading a book about old England, and knights and jousting, and I had this stick I'd whittled into a point, just the right size for a lance. Anyway, I was running around, fighting the Black Knight, when I swung around and thrust my lance right into the skirt of one of Mrs. Darnell's dresses."
"You didn't!" Nick was trying not to laugh.
"I did. There I was, staring at the rip in Mrs. Darnell's dress, worrying about mama's reaction, knowing if she saw what I did, her face would pinch up in that look, and I wouldn't be sitting down for a few days."
"So, what did you do?"
"Well, remember I helped mama and Hannah sometimes, I knew what bucket held soap water, rinse water, and starch water. And I knew what the starch did to clothes. So, I looked around to make sure Hannah couldn't see me, then I put some starch powder in a bucket, added some water to it, poured it on the skirt, and put the torn pieces back together. They stuck real well."
By now, both Jarrod and Nick were laughing openly, holding their aching sides.
"You actually thought that would work?" Nick gasped.
"I was eight years old. It seemed like a good idea, until mama went to take the laundry down. She noticed the dress seemed kinda stiff, and the skirt was kinda stuck out. So, when she took it down, she said something about what happened when you used too much starch, then she stood the skirt on the ground, playing with the dress, like there was a lady in it. I guess she figured since she had to wash it again, it wouldn't hurt to get it dirty. Anyway, when she let go of it, the top of the dress folded backward, like the lady was bending over the wrong way, and that ripped place popped right open."
"Then what?"
"Well, good thing mama was such an excellent seamstress. She was able to fix the tear so it didn't even show. That was after her face got that evil look. And, I ate standing up for a few days."
Jarrod's and Nick's laughter slowly subsided, and the night was quiet again. Heath was laying on his back, looking up at the stars and thinking about his mama, when Nick spoke.
"You must miss her alot."
"I do, she was a wonderful woman. But, she's safe and happy now, she's got the peace she deserves."
"Heath, I---" Nick stopped as Jarrod shot him a warning look, then continued. "Why can't we talk like this all the time?"
Jarrod groaned inwardly. He knew the question would arise sooner or later. He was hoping Nick would use just a bit more tact.
But Heath didn't seem to find anything wrong with Nick's question. He sat up again, poured more coffee, then answered Nick's question.
"We can, Nick, eventually."
"But, the other day, when I asked, you wouldn't even talk to me."
"You weren't ready, Nick." Heath told him.
"Excuse me?" Nick's eyebrows shot up. Even Jarrod looked confused. Where was Heath's trail of reasoning heading?
"Remember that morning, after you shot Barrett? You wanted to talk then, and I brushed you off."
"Yeah. Why did you ride night guard anyway? Why didn't you tell me first?"
"I overheard what you said that night, Nick 'if he'd stayed home, I wouldn't have to worry about him'."
Nick looked ashamed. Jarrod spoke for him.
"So, why didn't you come say something? At least to me, I would have listened."
"I couldn't, not at first, Jarrod. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself, too angry to talk to you or Nick and make any sense. Then Barrett found me."
"When I think what might have happened..." Nick's voice trailed off.
"You know, I wasn't really afraid. Somehow I knew you'd find us. Even with bad feelings between us, I knew you'd come."
"But we didn't have any bad feelings." Nick sounded confused.
"We did, you just didn't realize it. When you tried to talk to me, afterwards, I wasn't ready to let go of my hurt. I didn't want to hurt you, that was the last thing I wanted, but I wanted you to know how I felt."
"Well, you did a good job." Nick said. "I don't think I've ever felt so rejected in my entire life."
Jarrod concentrated on the dancing flames of the fire. He knew this was something they had to work out for themselves. He wanted to be there if they needed him, but he would give them the courtesy of his silence.
"So, why wouldn't you talk to me?" Nick asked. "Why do you say I wasn't ready?"
"Nick, think about what you said that night, what I overheard. If I'd stayed home, you wouldn't have to worry about me. You, Nick, that was all about you. Never mind if I wanted to come along, to spend some time with my new brothers. In fact, almost everything you talk about is about you. The way you planned the drive, the way you run the ranch, the plans you have for the future."
"What's wrong with that?"
Heath went on as if he hadn't interrupted.
"Then, in the next sentence, you talk about how glad you are that now you have someone to share the load with, how we're going to run the ranch together. Nick, we can't do this together if everything is always about you. Sometimes, I want to win."
"You make this sound like a contest."
"Nick, to you, life is a contest, and you want to win. There's nothing wrong with that. But, I feel the same way, sometimes. Sometimes, I want to be right."
"That wonderful Barkley stubborn streak. Thank you, Father." Jarrod said softly, still staring into the fire.
Nick and Heath looked at him in surprise. They'd almost forgotten he was there. He looked directly at them, first Nick, then Heath.
"Okay, so who wins?"
"I do." Nick and Heath answered in unison.
Jarrod just laughed and shook his head.
"You two think this is going to be easy? You're both so full of Father's stubbornness."
"You are, too, Jarrod. That's part of what makes us brothers. So, what do you think?" Nick asked.
"Honestly?"
"Honestly."
"I would have to say Heath is right. When it comes to the ranch, you want to be right. You want to have the last word. When it was just us two, that was fine. I had my interests, you had yours, and we helped each other when needed. But it's not that simple anymore."
"Nick, I don't want to take anything away from you." Heath assured him. "But I do want to take my place, fully."
Heath and Jarrod sat silently, watching Nick struggle with all he'd just heard. Then he sighed deeply.
"I just thought, after the drive, that everything would be fine. We'd be like, well, like..."
"Like you and I?" Jarrod asked.
"Yeah. But it didn't work out that way. I felt like I was failing."
"You didn't fail to make me feel like a brother, Nick. Where you were wrong was trying to pretend that we could be just like you and Jarrod. You two have been together since birth. We might have that same relationship someday, but now is still too soon."
"You're right, Heath." Nick said. "But, look at it this way. I was stuck with Jarrod. I chose you."
Heath started to speak, then turned away and stared out into the darkness. Jarrod poured the last of the coffee into their cups, giving Heath the quiet moment he needed. Presently, he turned back, picked up his cup, and saluted Nick with it.
"Thanks."
Heath drained his cup, then laid back on the ground, staring up at the night sky. Nick followed his gaze, staring at the millions of twinkling stars.
"I bet they're up there, Father, your mama, watching us." Nick said softly.
"Mama's making that face, wondering how grown men could act so much like children."
"Father's shaking his head, knowing he expected better from his sons." Jarrod added.
"Ah, we'll be alright." Nick told him. "What do you think, Heath?"
"We've got the rest of our lives to work on it."
"Amen to that." Jarrod added fervently.
Part 18
"So, you see, Mother, I think it will all work out, in time."
Jarrod had just finished giving his Mother a brief recounting of the events of the drive. They were sitting in the front room, waiting for Nick and Heath to come in.
"I have noticed that Heath seems more relaxed than he did before you left." Victoria took the drink Jarrod offered her. "Oh, he'll never be as vocal as Nick, and maybe that's a good thing. But I think he feels more comfortable now."
"Yes, they seem to be working well together." Jarrod agreed.
Just then the front door opened, and they grimaced as Nick's strident tones reverberated through the house.
"We need to get started on those irrigation ditches!"
"I agree, Nick, but those horses won't be there forever." Heath reminded him quietly.
"Jarrod, Mother." Nick greeted them. "Jarrod, pour me a drink, please, then help me talk some sense into your brother."
Jarrod raised one eyebrow, then winked at his mother, as he poured two drinks and offered the first one to Heath. Heath grinned as he took the offered drink, watching Nick frown at the intended slight. Jarrod handed a glass to Nick, then asked, "Okay, fill me in."
"We need to get started on the irrigation ditches before the ground gets any harder to work with. That little bit of rain we had last week made the ground almost perfect. Heath, here, wants to go look at some horses he thinks we need."
"And I say you can easily start digging without me. I'll be back in a few days, then I'll help you finish."
Jarrod pondered his brothers' statements thoughtfully.
"Well, the way I see it, you both have a valid point. My question to you is this: who wins?"
"He does." Nick and Heath said in unison.
"Why do I feel as if we've done this before?" Jarrod rolled his eyes, then looked to his mother for assistance. She shrugged her shoulders and looked at him as if to say "leave me out of this".
"Heath is right. We'll get started, then he can help when he gets back." Nick finished the argument.
"Thanks, Nick." Heath drained his glass, then stood and stretched. "And, now, I'm going to take a bath."
They watched him walk up the stairs, waiting until the door closed upstairs, then Jarrod turned to Nick.
"That was a nice thing to do, Nick." Jarrod said warmly.
"Well, he was right. And, this way, we both win." Nick grinned at his brother as he refilled his glass.
"Nick, you know every occasion won't turn out this easily." Victoria reminded him.
"I know."
"Sometimes, you two will argue and not come to a simple conclusion."
"I know, Mother. But isn't that the fun of being a brother?"