The Promise

by BonnieBee

Disclaimer: The characters and situations of the TV program "Big Valley" are the creations of Four Star/Republic Pictures and have been used without permission. No copyright infringement is intended by the author. The ideas expressed in this story are copyrighted to the author.

Chapter 1

The dark-haired cowboy rode silently on his horse up on the ridge, surveying the scene below him. The ranch hands were busy with branding time and Heath was right there with them. Nick was usually there too, but he wasn’t up to being around people just yet. It had only been a week anyway, he reasoned and he should be allowed his space. He knew he couldn’t stay like this forever, though he wondered if he would ever be the same man he was before.

Would he ever feel like laughing again? Joking with the boys or playing a trick on Heath and Jarrod or teasing his younger sister? Would he ever know the happiness again he had felt over the last few months? His mother had assured him that he would, in time. Even Jarrod, in his brotherly way, had assured him that there would be joy again. And Jarrod should know.

Heath just watched him silently, and would sit with him if Nick would let him get close enough. But the last thing Nick Barkley wanted right now was any comfort. He needed his pain and he kept it wrapped tightly around himself, like a cloak. He rode on, and let his mind drift back four months.

* * * * * * * *

Nick and Heath rode into town to meet Jarrod. There was some ranch business to take care of and Jarrod had said he needed their signatures on some papers. It was getting to be lunch time when the men finished their business and they all agreed to get something to eat.

The hotel was busy but they were shown a table quickly. Nick, having already decided what he was going to eat, sat looking around. It was then that he spotted her.

He had never seen such a raven haired beauty in his life. And her dark eyes, almost black from what he could tell, were big and smiling. Jarrod and Heath who had been looking at their menus both noticed Nick’s attention was drawn to the other side of the room. They turned and saw the young waitress as she took an order from a table of men. Jarrod turned to look at Heath who gave him a wink. Their boisterous brother was smitten again.

The waitress left the table and took her order back to the kitchen. Nick’s eyes followed her everywhere she went. She finally came over to their table and gave them a beautiful smile. Jarrod could see immediately why Nick was attracted to her. Her features were delicate, and her slight frame was curvy in all the right places. Had Jarrod not already been interested in someone else, and if Nick hadn’t already shown interest, he might have considered getting to know this young lady as well.

"Hi. I’m Anna. Do you know what you want?" she asked, her pencil and pad poised.

"Oh, yeah. I sure do," Nick said, with a flirting grin. She looked at him in surprise and Heath thought, Uh oh. She’s gonna let him have it!

"I meant, do you know from the menu, what you would like," she smiled sweetly at him.

Jarrod and Heath couldn’t help but chuckle. They gave her their orders and she disappeared behind the swinging door. Nick’s eyes didn’t even move from that spot until she reappeared. She had a tray loaded with food and was taking it to the table of men she had taken an order from earlier. After she had given the last man his plate, he patted Anna on her backside. Nick stiffened. He was about to go over and give the guy what for when he saw Anna turn around. He knew a moment of disappointment when she smiled at the man. She must have enjoyed that, Nick thought. What his eyes saw next, he would remember forever. Just as sweetly as you please, Anna took the man’s plate and dumped it in his lap. That the man was shocked was evident, and the men around him laughed as he tried to wipe the hot food from his pants.

Nick’s respect for Anna grew and he smiled. Jarrod and Heath had also witnessed the scene and couldn’t help but admire the feisty waitress as well.

"She’s sure a spitfire, ain’t she?" Heath asked.

Nick nodded approvingly. "Yeah," was all he said.

* * * * * * * *

After lunch, Jarrod parted ways with his brothers and headed back to his office. Heath said he was going to pick up a few supplies and asked if Nick was going to join him. Nick was about to answer yes when he saw Anna coming from behind the hotel. As she walked down the sidewalk, Heath chuckled and told Nick he would see him later.

Nick followed the young woman and finally caught up to her as she stopped to admire a dress in one of the shop’s windows.

"Excuse me," Nick said with his hat in his hand. Anna looked up at him in surprise, and though her look was guarded, she smiled.

"I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced. My name is Nick Barkley."

"I’m Anna Simpson," she said, holding out her hand. Nick took it and held it for a moment. There was an undeniable charge that went through them. They both felt it and Anna slowly took her hand back, continuing to smile at the tall cowboy.

"Are you new in town? I don’t recall seeing you at the hotel before," Nick asked.

"I’ve been here a few weeks. Barkley. That name sounds familiar." Anna thought for a moment. "Are you a lawyer?" she asked.

"No, that’s my brother, Jarrod. I own a ranch," he said, then quickly amended, "My family owns a ranch. A little ways out of town."

Anna continued to smile at Nick, and he wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to continue breathing. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life.

"I was wondering, Miss Simpson. It is Miss?", he asked, silently begging her to say it was.

"Yes, but I prefer Anna."

"All right, Anna. I was wondering if you would like to go out on a picnic with me sometime?"

Anna tilted her head and thought for a moment. She smiled coyly and said, "I don’t accept invitations from men I don’t know."

Nick hid his disappointment.

"At least not the first time they ask. If they have the courage to ask again, I usually say yes. Good day, Mr. Barkley."

Anna turned and began walking down the sidewalk again. Nick stood there dumbly, going over her words. He smiled and then ran up to her again.

"Excuse me, Anna," he said. She turned to him.

"Yes, Mr. Barkley?"

"Uh, Nick. Please call me Nick."

She nodded and waited for him to continue.

"I was wondering if you would consider joining me for dinner? I realize you don’t accept the first invitation. So I decided to wait and ask you again."

Anna smiled. She had liked Nick immediately when she saw him at the hotel.

"I would be honored, Nick."

"Tomorrow evening? I’ll come and get you around seven?"

Anna nodded and told him she was staying at Mrs. Peterson’s boardinghouse. Nick watched her walk away. He realized he was standing there with a silly grin on his face. He tried to school his features, but he wasn’t very successful. He met up with Heath who gave him a knowing smile when he said he had plans for the next evening.

Chapter 2

Anna had had a good day. No one put their hands on her at work and for that she was thankful. She was not going to have any tip money left if she had to keep paying for the meals that she dumped into the laps of those rude men. If they would just leave her alone! She sighed.

Her mind turned to Nick and the dinner they would share this evening. She was very excited about seeing him again. She had thought he was a little bold with her when she had asked for their orders at lunch yesterday, but had to admit she found him charming.

She took her time getting ready. She chose her best dress, one that fit her well and the color was perfect for her. She hoped he liked it and then shook her head.

"Calm down, Anna. It’s just dinner. You don’t really know him either. He could be just like Lance was. So be cautious!" The stern talk helped her calm her nerves and reined in her emotions. She had just finished putting the finishing touches on her hair when Mrs. Peterson knocked on her door.

"You have a guest, Miss Simpson," the plump woman told her. Anna really liked Mrs. Peterson. The woman had some stern rules, but was fair and didn’t appear nosy. Anna smiled. At least not too nosy.

"Thank you. I’ll be there in just a moment," Anna replied and went to get her wrap. As she reached for it she was seized by a sudden pain in her stomach and had to wait a moment to catch her breath. The pain receded and she straightened up. She took a few deep breaths. I must have eaten something funny, she thought to herself.

When she entered the parlor a few minutes later, Nick was standing in conversation with Mrs. Peterson. His eyes locked with Anna’s and he forgot about the older woman. Mrs. Peterson wasn’t offended. Anna was a beautiful woman and she could tell Nick was smitten. She excused herself to allow the couple some privacy.

"You look wonderful," Nick said softly, taking Anna’s small hand in his. Anna smiled. Nick couldn’t help but think she looked a little pale, and had to wonder if something were wrong, but didn’t feel the liberty to ask.

"Shall we go?" he asked instead and held out his arm to her.

They walked out to the buggy. Nick helped her in and they rode off.

"How was your day?" Nick asked, hoping she would let him know if she had had any more problems with the men at the hotel.

"It was rather good actually. What about yours? What did you do on the ranch today?"

Nick told her all about his day and what he had done. It wasn’t anything too exciting, but Anna listened with rapt attention. Nick loved to talk and it appeared that Anna loved to listen. It seemed a perfect combination.

They arrived at the Cattleman’s Club. When Nick walked in with Anna on his arm, he felt as though he were the luckiest man in the world. He had never been so captivated before. He had been out with many women, but they were all weak comparisons to Anna. Their meal was delicious and Nick noticed that Anna had color in her cheeks again. She must have been nervous, he thought.

After dinner, they took a walk along the sidewalk, her arm safely tucked in his. Their conversation was relaxed and fun. Finally, Nick turned them around to get the buggy. It was getting late and Anna needed to be at work early in the morning. Nick asked if she were available for dinner again tomorrow night. She smiled sweetly as she accepted his invitation. He asked what time she got off of work and said he would be by shortly thereafter. He wanted to take her out to the ranch.

They sat in the carriage in front of the boarding house, in quiet conversation. It was difficult to part, but when Nick saw Anna trying to stifle a yawn he said, "I need to let you go. You’re tired."

Nick climbed down from the carriage and then lifted Anna down. He kept his hands on her small waist and looked into her dark eyes. He wanted to crush her into his arms, but knew that it would be too soon. He didn’t want to scare her. She seemed to sense his indecision and took care of it for him. She stood on her tip toes and placed a small kiss on his cheek.

"Thank you for the evening, Nick. I look forward to tomorrow," she said softly, her eyes telling Nick she really did enjoy their time together. He found it difficult to let her go, but knew he had to get home as well.

He tipped his hat and said, "I’ll be here around three."

Nick watched Anna go inside and then he climbed into the carriage. His hand went to his cheek and he smiled. Tomorrow couldn’t come soon enough.

Chapter 3

Nick was right on time to pick Anna up at the boarding house. She looked just as beautiful as she had the night before and Nick couldn’t help but glance her way often as they made their way down the road. She noticed his looks and smiled to herself. She was enjoying getting an eyeful as well. She found herself getting lost in his hazel eyes. And when he smiled at her, she felt as though she could melt.

Anna loved to hear Nick explain the workings of the ranch. That he was proud of his family’s home was evident. He told her about his family members too. She had already met Heath and Jarrod, but today she would meet his mother and sister.

When they arrived, Nick and Anna stepped down from the carriage and Nick yelled for Ciego. A few minutes later, the man came to care for the horse and buggy. Nick led Anna into the house where his mother was sitting in the parlor waiting for them.

"Mother," Nick greeted her, "This is Anna Simpson. Anna, this is my mother, Victoria Barkley."

Victoria greeted the young woman and could see immediately why Nick seemed to like her so well. She was beautiful! And not just on the outside. After a few minutes of conversation, Victoria surmised that this young lady was just as beautiful on the inside as well.

Audra came in the room talking but stopped when she saw their guest.

"Oh, excuse me, I wasn’t aware our guest had arrived yet," she apologized.

Nick took care of the introductions again and Anna and Audra seemed to hit it off well. Audra instantly liked Anna and wondered if she would one day have her as her sister-in-law. If the looks Nick was giving were any indication, that was a real possibility.

Heath and Jarrod arrived home a while later and they sat down to a wonderful dinner. Anna enjoyed the banter between them all. That this family cared for one another deeply was evident. She felt privileged to have been asked to be apart of it for the evening.

After dinner, Jarrod and Heath played billiards while Audra and Victoria had some handwork they concentrated on. Nick and Anna stepped out for a walk around the grounds.

With Anna’s hand safely tucked in his, Nick showed her his home. He wanted to take her out and show her the entire ranch, but knew they didn’t have time for that now. He was already wondering when he could see her again, and was planning it in his mind.

They made their way back to the house where Victoria served coffee. It was getting late when Nick and Anna said their goodbyes to the others. Nick didn’t allow the horses to move too fast as he wanted to spend as much time with Anna as he could. She noticed what he was doing and admitted to herself she was glad.

"Tell me about yourself, Anna. Where are you from? Do you have any family?" Nick asked.

Since Nick had already shared so much with her about his family, she had no hesitation in telling him about hers.

"My parents were quite a bit older when I was born. They never expected to have children, having been married for almost 25 years when I came along. We had a small farm that my father had built up from nothing. It wasn’t the most productive, but it met our needs," Anna said, smiling at the memories of her parents and their home.

She paused, lost in thought. Nick loved to hear the sound of her voice and he wanted her to go on. "Are your parents still living on the farm?"

Anna’s eyes clouded. "No. My mother died when I was 5. When I was 15, an influenza epidemic hit our small town. Because of my father’s advanced age and failing health, he didn’t survive it. We didn’t have any other family so I just stayed on the farm and rented the land out to the family next to us. That worked for a while, but it didn’t really meet my needs very well. So I went into town for work, but the only work available was the saloon. I didn’t want to do that." She shivered, just thinking about all those men pawing at her. Nick put his arm around her and was happy to have her scoot in closer to him.

"Anyway, there was a young man in town who started calling on me. His name was Lance. I had known him from school, but he had been quite a bit older than me. He came to me one day and asked me to marry him. I couldn’t see any reason as to why I shouldn’t, so I did. It was a mistake." She paused again and then said, "He died a few years after we were married."

"I’m sorry," Nick told her.

Anna smiled, looking up at him.

"Don’t be. He wasn’t a very nice man."

They were on the edge of town now. Nick knew it would just be a matter of minutes before he would have to say good-bye again and he found that he didn’t want to. He stopped the buggy and shifted so that he could see Anna’s face. She watched him silently. His eyes went from hers to her lips and back again. She parted her lips slightly and Nick leaned in. He only meant to give her a small kiss, but found once he started he couldn’t stop. He brought his arms around her and realized she had done the same with him. How long they were locked in their embrace, they didn’t know, but when they parted, both were breathless. Nick looked down at her, getting lost in her black onyx eyes. She brought her fingers up to his lips and gently caressed them. Nick took her the fingers in his hand and kissed them, watching in delight as Anna closed her eyes with pleasure. He drew her again to himself and kissed her on the mouth.

The horse whinnied and this brought them back to reality. It was getting quite late. Nick pulled back reluctantly, but as soon as he had the horse going again, he put his arm around Anna. She snuggled in closer to him. They arrived at the boarding house and made plans to be together on Friday. It was Anna’s day off and Nick was going to show her the ranch. He said he would be there early Friday morning to pick her up. He kissed her gently and watched as she walked inside. He was falling hard, he knew. But he couldn’t help himself. He found Anna Simpson to be intoxicating.

Chapter 4

The two had been riding for several hours. Nick had chosen a gentle horse for Anna and she handled her expertly. Nick enjoyed showing her the Ranch. She was excited about everything and asked many questions. Seeing the ranch through her eyes made things look new again to him. She was impressed with everything she saw and was very enthusiastic as she asked questions.

They had brought a picnic lunch and stopped to eat it under a large tree. Silas had outdone himself and Nick had brought along one of his best bottles of wine. He couldn’t remember ever having such a wonderful time before. As they sat under the tree, there was a lull in the conversation for the first time in hours. Nick watched Anna as she played with a small stick that had fallen on the ground. She looked up to find his eyes on her. He leaned in and placed his lips on hers. She responded by wrapping her arms around him and soon they were lying on the ground. Nick was lost in another world, loving the feel of her in his arms. Anna was just as lost, but regained her senses and sat up.

"I’m sorry, Nick. I’m just not...I’m just not ready for this yet." Her heart was pounding in her chest and her breathing labored.

Nick wasn’t angry with her. He knew it was too soon, but he felt he lost all control when he was with her. Her eyes begged him to understand and he smiled at her, letting her know he did.

He took her hand and said, "I understand, Anna. I do. It's just that I feel like I've known you all my life and I wanted to show you how I felt is all. I'm sorry," he added softly.

"No need for I'm sorry's, because I feel the same way, Nick. It's just too soon," Anna said shyly averting her eyes.

They decided to pack up their lunch and do some more riding. Nick wanted to show Anna the view of the mountains from the south. It was a breathtaking site and he wasn’t disappointed in her reaction. They eventually made their way back home and had dinner with the family. Nick then took Anna home, since she told him she was working a double shift the next day.

"Doesn’t the hotel pay enough?" he asked, concerned.

"Oh, it does. But when you have to use your tips to pay for the meals that end up in the patron’s laps, it tends to be financially strapping," she laughed as she said this, but Nick knew she wasn’t joking.

"How often does that happen?"

"Only three times this week."

"Only!" Nick said in outrage. Anna laughed at him and said, "Don’t worry about it, Nick. I don’t enjoy it, but I’m new and the men who have acted inappropriately are just trying to gauge what kind of girl I am. I haven’t had any problems with repeat customers."

Nick still didn’t like the fact that it was happening at all. But he realized Anna was a big girl and she hadn’t asked him to intervene. He would make a point to come into town though tomorrow for lunch so that he could see her.

Nick stopped the buggy on the outskirts of town as he had done a few nights before. Anna smiled at him and the two kissed. Nick didn’t let things get out of hand, but he wanted Anna to know how much he cared. When they parted, the look in her eyes let him know she had no doubt.

They rode into town and he kissed her deeply before helping her down from the buggy and told her he would see her later.

In the month that followed, both Anna and Nick were busy and did not have much time to see one another. They had only been able to go out for dinner twice and went on another picnic once. They missed one another terribly, but understood that their time was limited and took what they could get.

Finally, it looked as though the ranch work was going to slow down enough for Nick to invite Anna out to the Ranch. He wrote a note to send in with Jarrod, asking if he could come pick her up on Sunday morning for church and then they would spend the day together. Nick would have rather asked her in person, but he knew he couldn’t spare the time, especially if he wanted to take Sunday off. Jarrod gladly took the note to Anna and watched as her face lit up upon reading the words. She asked him to wait while she penned a response. She handed the note to Jarrod and told him she would see him on Sunday. Jarrod smiled. Anna would make a nice addition to their family.

Chapter 5

Sunday dawned clear and bright without a cloud in the sky. Nick whistled as he rode into town, impatient to get there and see Anna for the first time in what seemed like forever. He pulled up in front of the boarding house, but before he could step down from the wagon, the door was opening and out walked Anna. Nick smiled broadly and ran up the steps to take her into his arms.

"What a site for sore eyes!" he said.

They got back into the buggy and began talking nonstop on their ride back. They had missed one another so much. After church the family all had lunch together, then Nick and Anna went for a walk, hand in hand, enjoying each other’s company.

Nick had noticed when he picked Anna up in town that she seemed pale, like she did the night they had gone to dinner the first time. He hadn’t asked her then if something were wrong, for fear of intruding, but he had no such qualms about it now.

"Are you feeling okay, Anna?" he asked, watching her face.

"Of course," she said. "Why, don’t I look like I feel fine?"

"You just look a little pale. Could you be coming down with something?"

Anna sighed. "I have been feeling tired lately. But being here with you is just what I needed," she said as she moved closer to him. Nick smiled and placed a gentle kiss on her lips.

They walked on for a while then returned to the house, finding that everyone was involved in their own pursuits. Victoria had gone upstairs for an afternoon nap; Heath and Audra had gone for a ride and Jarrod was working in the library. Nick and Anna sat in the parlor on the sofa, talking in soft tones. Nick’s mind went to what they could be doing if they were married. Lazy Sunday afternoons were the days he looked forward to most when he thought about marriage. The week could be so busy, the days passing quickly. But Sundays seemed to last a long time and Nick’s thoughts were on what he would like to be doing right now with Anna. If things went as he planned, then in a few months time, he would be spending Sunday afternoons in her arms.

Anna was having a marvelous time, but she admitted to herself that she wasn’t feeling well. Her stomach had been bothering her again. She hadn’t had any problems with it in over a month, but in the last week, she had had two episodes of severe pain. Thankfully, both had been while she was in her room and not at work. She didn’t even want to think about having to pay for dropping a entire tray of food.

Anna excused herself from Nick to take care of her personal needs. She was walking up the stairs when she doubled over in pain. Jarrod had just come into the foyer and noticed her.

"Nick!" he called and Nick came running. He ran to Anna and asked, "Anna, honey, what’s wrong?"

"Nick," she gasped out. "It hurts!"

Nick picked her up in his arms and took her upstairs, with Jarrod on his heels. He carried Anna to his room and gently placed her on the bed. Victoria had heard Jarrod’s alarmed cry and came to find out what was wrong. Nick asked Jarrod to go for the doctor and he left immediately.

Anna groaned again, but could feel the pain receding. She lay there feeling weak and her face was pale. Nick was leaning down next to her, holding her hand.

"Anna?" he called her name softly.

She opened her eyes and tried to smile at him, but didn’t quite make it.

"Anna, Jarrod’s gone to get the doc," Nick assured her. She nodded, but held on tighter to his hand. Victoria brought a small basin of cool water and a wash cloth. Nick took the wet cloth from her and began wiping Anna’s brow. She seemed to relax at his touch.

The doctor finally arrived and shooed everyone from the room. Nick waited just outside the door, listening to the voices but not able to understand what was being said. Jarrod and Victoria, who were joined by Heath and Audra after their ride, waited with him.

After about an hour, Doctor Merar opened the door and said that Anna was asking for Nick. He walked in and found her still looking pale. He sat down on the bed next to her.

"Are you all right?" he asked. She turned her head to the wall to hide her tears and Nick looked to the doc for an explanation.

"Nick, I’ve examined Anna and have found a growth inside her. That’s what’s been causing the pain. She’s had other episodes like today and they’ve become more frequent the last few months. I’ve seen this before, and I’m sorry..."

Nick looked at Anna who was still facing the wall. He turned again to the doc. "What are you saying?"

Doctor Merar sighed. "Given the size of the growth and the pain Anna is in, I’m afraid her condition is terminal."

Terminal? What a horrible word, Nick thought.

"How long?" he whispered.

"Two maybe three-"

"Years?" Nick asked in alarm. The doctor shook his head.

"Months."

Anna started crying, her shoulders shaking with sobs. Nick looked at the doctor as though he were crazy. His mind was trying to comprehend what it was hearing while his heart was in severe pain. No! His mind screamed. No! This cannot be happening.

"Can’t you do something? Perform surgery or-"

The doctor shook his head. There was no surgery for this kind of condition. He had no doubt that there would be some day, but like he had said, he had seen this before and it was always fatal.

Nick refused to accept what the doctor was saying. He stood up, the anger in his eyes clearly showing the Doc that Nick would not accept this without a fight. The doctor sighed and waited for the eruption he knew would be coming.

"I refuse to believe that there is nothing we can do. We’ll go to San Francisco and see a specialist there. We’ll find a way to help her!"

Anna had been listening to the conversation and turned to look at Nick when he said they would find another doctor. She sat up, or at least tried to and reached out to put a hand on his arm. Nick turned to look at her and sat back down. Doc Merar took this as his chance to leave. He walked out into the hallway and waited with the family while Nick and Anna discussed this in private.

"Nick, I can’t afford to go to San Francisco to see another doctor."

"I’ll pay for it," Nick said decisively.

"Nick! I can’t allow you to do that. It could be very expensive!"

"I don’t care!" Nick almost yelled. He grabbed her by the arms, holding her in a firm, but gentle grip. In a softer voice he said, "Anna, I just found you. I’m not going to lose you now. We’ve got to do whatever we can to help you beat this!"

Anna’s eyes filled with tears. She shook her head, bringing her hands up to her face and sobbed. Nick held her, rocking back and forth, whispering soothing words. Finally, Anna sat up again.

"Nick, we can’t beat this."

"Anna," he pleaded.

"No! Nick don’t you understand? There is no cure! This is how my mother died. I watched it happen. I was only 5 at the time, but I remember it so clearly. Dr. Merar is right, Nick."

"Can’t we just go to a specialist in San Francisco, Anna? Please? For me, would you agree to go? I’ll take care of everything. I can’t let you go, knowing that I didn’t at least try," he begged her.

Anna knew there would be no help for her in San Francisco but she hated seeing the hurt look on Nick's face. For his sake, she nodded her head in agreement. He held her closely again for a long time. When he realized she had fallen asleep, he set her back down gently.

He rose and walked downstairs. He found the doctor and his family waiting for him in the parlor. His mother’s and Audra’s eyes were red from crying. Jarrod and Heath stood near the fireplace, looking solemn. Nick guessed from their demeanor that Dr. Merar had already filled them in. He was grateful because he didn’t feel like explaining everything.

"Doc, I know you said there’s no cure, but Anna has agreed to go and see a doctor in San Francisco. Maybe there’s been some advances in this that you don’t know about and someone else can help us." The words were said with a bit of an edge.

If Dr. Merar had not known Nick for all of his life, he might have been insulted. However, he had seen the love that this young couple had for each other and felt as if he had single handedly destroyed their world. Anna had told him that her mother had died from the same condition and he hoped that she was not filled with a false hope. More than likely, she was doing this just for Nick and his respect for the young woman grew.

"Of course, Nick," was all he said out loud. Everyone else saw the doubts on the doctor’s face.

Nick nodded his thanks to the doctor and then walked out of the room. He went straight to the library and poured himself a strong drink. He drank it in one gulp then poured himself another. He was on his third glass when Victoria walked in. She watched him for a moment and then spoke.

"Nick, do you really think a doctor in San Francisco can help?"

"I have to try," Nick said, draining his glass.

"What about Anna?"

Nick looked over at his mother in confusion. He was doing this for Anna. Didn’t she understand?

"If Anna only has a few months to live, I’m sure she doesn’t want to spend that time seeing doctors who will only tell her the same thing she has been told today."

Nick set his glass down, none too gently, showing Victoria her middle son was barely holding in his frustration. She didn’t want to hurt him further, but she knew he needed to realize what a trip to San Francisco could mean. It could raise false hopes that would just be dashed and Victoria wondered if Anna could take that. Or Nick for that matter.

"I’m going upstairs to sit with Anna," he said as he walked past her. She sighed, knowing that now wasn’t the time to try and convince him to change his mind. She only hoped that Anna would be able to help him see that this wasn’t the best course of action.

Chapter 6

Nick asked Anna to move out to the ranch. He knew she wouldn’t be able to work any longer at the Hotel and if she didn’t work, she wouldn’t be able to pay her rent. She was relieved at his offer yet felt guilty for imposing. Victoria assured her that she wasn’t imposing and that they were glad to have her stay.

In the coming days, Nick spent a lot of his time at the house with Anna. Heath shouldered more responsibility of the ranch but he didn’t complain. He wanted Nick to spend as much time with Anna as he could.

On one particular Spring afternoon, Nick and Anna had gone on a picnic. She had had some bad days recently, but was finally feeling well again and wanted to make the most of the time.

They had ridden out to a secluded spot near the lake, one not traveled often. They talked again of going to San Francisco. Nick told Anna that he had been in contact with a doctor that specialized in women’s medicine. She sighed as he relayed the plans to go and stay with Jarrod while in San Francisco and meet with the doctor.

"Don’t you want to go?" Nick asked as they sat underneath a tree, eating their lunch.

"I just don’t see any reason to, Nick. There isn’t anything the doctors can do."

Nick ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. "I can’t accept that."

"You need to. I have," she said watching him. She waited a moment and then asked gently, "And what if we see the doctor in San Francisco and he tells us the same thing as Dr. Merar? Will you want to see another doctor then? And maybe another after that? Nick, I don’t want to spend the time I have left going to see doctor after doctor. I want to spend it with you."

Nick looked forlornly at Anna. He saw in her face acceptance of what was happening to her and it made him angry. He wasn’t angry with her but with what life had dealt them. They should be planning a wedding now. He should be making plans for their honeymoon, not plans to go to San Francisco to see a doctor.

Anna watched Nick as a gamut of emotions danced across his face. She would go to San Francisco if he insisted, but she would rather stay there and enjoy her time with him. Nick turned away to look out over the lake. When he turned back he took Anna’s hand in his.

"We won’t go if you don’t want to, Anna. I just don’t want us to give up. Not if there’s a chance that the doctor is wrong," he said softly. Anna squeezed his hand.

"I know. But I think you know as well as I do that he isn’t."

She leaned back against the tree and patted her lap, inviting Nick to lay down. She fingered his dark hair, curling it around her fingers. Her other hand rested on his firm chest. Nick took the hand on his chest and brought it to his lips, kissing it softly. Anna smiled at him and bent to place a kiss on his lips. She lingered close to his face for a moment before kissing him again, this time making it last longer. Nick sat up and drew her into his arms. His lips moved from hers, down her neck and Anna’s eyes closed, allowing her desire for Nick to take over. She knew she wanted this now with him. She began to unbutton her blouse, allowing it to open so that he could bring his mouth down further. He paused for a second, looking into her eyes to make sure this was what she wanted.

"Yes, Nick," she whispered, her hands moving to his shirt, removing it. She ran her hands over his broad chest. She lay down, feeling him move on top of her and wrapped her arms around him, moving her hands up and down his broad back, hugging him to herself tightly.

Nick gently removed Anna’s clothes then stood for a moment to remove his pants before joining her again on the blanket. The sun hid behind the clouds that were forming and rain began to drizzle down, but neither one acknowledged it. They were lost in their own world. Once their passion was spent, they lay there, holding one another, allowing the light rain to wash the sweat away that covered their bodies. Nick moved off of Anna, but stayed close by her side.

"I love you, Anna. Marry me," Nick asked softly, pushing a strand of dark hair behind her ear.

Anna’s eyes filled with tears. She took his hand in hers and looked into his handsome hazel eyes, seeing the love he had for her in their depths.

"Nick, I love you too. And it would bring me no greater joy than to be your wife. But I can’t. Not now."

Nick opened his mouth to protest but Anna placed a delicate finger on his lips.

"Marriage is a wonderful thing. It’s about promises. Promises of a life together, of children laughing, of making love in the rain or walking hand in hand during the warm Spring day. It’s always being there for each other, listening and sharing dreams. Nick, we could never have those things. Not now. We both know it won’t be long until I’m gone and I can’t bear the thought of you being a widower. You deserve better. You deserve a wife to come home to at night who will hold you. You deserve someone who will give you all those strapping boys you want to one day help you run this ranch. You deserve to know that when you reach across your bed at night when you’ve felt a chill, that the warm body of the woman you love will be there. Let’s just enjoy what we have now. Let’s not think about what can never be."

Anna placed a gentle kiss on his lips, tears filling her eyes. Nick’s eyes too filled with tears and they fell down his cheeks, joining the drizzle that continued to fall. Anna kissed them away and drew Nick’s head to her breast. He lay there, loving the feel of her warm body. He knew he loved her and wanted to be with her for as long as he could. He wouldn’t allow himself to think of her illness, or of her impending death.

They eventually rose and redressed, though it was a difficult task since their clothes were soaked. Nick gathered up the remnants of their picnic lunch and placed it in the basket. They mounted their horses and rode back to the ranch house. As they entered the yard the rain began to fall harder. Ciego met them to tend to their horses.

Nick took Anna’s hand in his and they ran to the house, laughing as they came through the doors of the kitchen. They were soaked to the skin, but neither one cared. Silas went to fetch them each a towel to dry off. They then went upstairs to change. As Anna took her time changing from her wet things, her mind replayed her time spent with Nick that afternoon, and she smiled at the memory. His touch had been so gentle, yet so passionate. She had never known the feelings of pleasure he had brought to her before. Her husband had never been gentle or giving. He had only taken from her what he wanted.

A sharp pain caused her to double over, gasping. She reached out a hand toward the bedpost to try and steady herself. She breathed in deeply, willing the pain to go away. It eventually receded, but left her feeling weak. She sat down on the bed, feeling completely exhausted.

There was a knock at the door and Nick poked his head in. He saw Anna’s pale face as she sat on the bed and came to sit next to her. She looked over at him and smiled weakly.

"Another bad one?" his voice filled with concern.

She nodded, leaning her head against his shoulder.

"Did I hurt you today, Anna?" he asked softly.

Anna sat up and looked into his eyes.

"No, Nick. You didn’t hurt me. You were very gentle. This pain has nothing to do with that."

Nick put his arm around her and she leaned against him again.

"Nick, would you mind if I just lay down for a while?"

Nick rose and helped Anna lie down, covering her with a light blanket. She closed her eyes, and Nick pulled up a chair to watch her as she dozed. Victoria had been told by Silas that the two had returned soaking wet and she had come to gather their wet things. She had Nick’s clothes in her arms and then walked to the guest room where Anna was staying. The door was opened slightly and she noticed Anna lying on the bed. Nick was sitting next to her, his hand holding hers. They looked so sweet together.

Victoria’s heart broke just a little knowing that Nick felt deeply for Anna. She also knew Anna’s time was short. She wished she could protect her son from this heartache, but knew Nick well enough that he would pull through, eventually. And he would be the stronger for it.

Chapter 7

Anna’s health continued to decline as the good days were getting fewer and farther between. Nick spent almost every moment with her until Victoria and Anna both would convince him he needed rest. He would then go to his room and cry himself into a restless sleep for a few hours. Although Nick had agreed to let Anna have the time remaining as she wished, his heart would not give up the quest to seek a solution. To Nick Barkley there was always a way to solve a problem. He was never one to give in without a fight. As he would lay on his bed, the tears soaking his pillow, he would determine in his heart that they would go to San Francisco and see a doctor. Anna's illness was like a demon at their heels stealing their precious time together and these thoughts kept him awake until exhaustion took over and sleep took hold of him. Then he would awaken and remember that Anna didn’t want to see another doctor. He would allow her to live out her remaining days how she chose. And she wanted to live them with him.

Victoria was relieved when Nick told her they wouldn’t be going to San Francisco after all. Her heart ached for him, knowing it was a difficult decision for him to make as he must have felt he was giving up, something that just wasn’t in his nature to do.

Nick awoke one morning to the sound of birds singing and the sunshine brightly shining outside. An idea had come to his mind before he had fallen asleep and as he thought on it more, it seemed the best thing to do.

Nick wanted to spend every single second with Anna. He could tell she was weakening. Doctor Merar had brought by some stronger pain medication, but whenever Anna took it, she would sleep for hours and not be coherent. She didn’t like that because she didn’t want to sleep the rest of her short life away. She would only take the medicine if the pain were too severe and even then only a half dose.

Nick rose and changed his clothes. He hadn’t bothered changing when he had lain down a few hours before. He went to check on Anna and found her sleeping. He then went downstairs to speak with Silas and his mother. He explained his plan and asked that Silas gather the supplies he would need. Victoria followed him into the hallway and asked if he was sure this was want he wanted to do.

"Mother, it’s only a matter of time now. I have to be with her every second until the end and I want to be alone with her. Going to the lodge at Indian Springs seems to be the best way to accomplish that."

Victoria nodded, though she hoped Nick wasn’t making a mistake. Indian Springs had always held happy memories for their family (with the exception of the time Nick brought that woman along with him. Nick had forbidden anyone to say her name in his presence and Victoria didn’t even want to let her mind utter it now for fear that Nick would read her thoughts.). Victoria didn’t want Nick to see the lodge as a place of sorrow, but he was determined to go through with this. She watched him go up the stairs and then went back to help Silas with the supplies.

Nick peeked into Anna’s room and found her sitting up in bed. This was a good sign. If things were really bad, she wouldn’t have the strength to do anything but lie down.

"Good morning!" he said cheerily as he came in, closing the door behind him. Anna smiled at him, not for the first time wishing she had accepted his marriage proposal. She wanted to wake up next to him every morning and have him take her in his arms. But she wouldn’t do that to him. She still couldn’t stand the thought of him being a widower.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, coming to sit next to her. Before she could answer he placed a small kiss on her lips.

"Okay. I think today might be a good day," she said, bringing him closer to her. He kissed her again, this time the yearning he felt for her showing in his passionate kiss. She lay back and allowed him to continue kissing her, his mouth moving down her neck. She closed her eyes in pleasure.

There was a knock at the door, and Nick sat up, sighing. He walked over to the door and opened it, seeing his sister standing there.

"I brought Anna some breakfast. Is she awake?" Audra asked.

Nick turned and saw Anna was sitting up again. He allowed Audra to come in and kissed her cheek. Audra had been an encouragement to him by being a frequent visitor with Anna. She would come in and sit and talk with her, trying to take Anna’s mind off of the pain. Anna appreciated Audra as well and thanked her for the delicious smelling food. Audra left the room and Nick joined Anna on the bed and talked with her as she ate.

"Up for a trip today?" he asked when she was almost finished.

Anna smiled. "Where?"

"Indian Springs."

Anna’s eyes widened. Nick had described the lodge to her on many occasions and she had been wanting to see it. She was too excited to eat any more and set the tray on the night stand. She sat on his lap coquettishly and asked when they could go.

Nick laughed at her enthusiasm, almost forgetting her declining health. He drew her into his arms and began kissing her. Someone knocked on the door. It was Audra again, coming to get the tray.

Nick rose and took the tray to Audra, he only opened the door wide enough to give it to her and then told her to let the family know he would be down in a few minutes for breakfast. Audra looked a little disappointed at not being able to come in, but realized they probably were trying to have a few minutes alone.

Nick turned around and smiled devilishly at Anna.

"We can leave today and be there by tonight. Then you and I will have no distractions. Only the two of us."

Anna smiled in anticipation.

Chapter 8

They managed to leave a couple of hours later. They would get to the lodge very late that night, but both were looking forward to being alone. Their time together they knew was short and too precious to waste. Anna didn’t want to spend her last days on this earth trying to sneak around to be with the man she loved. They had not made love since that first time on their picnic. They had come close, but Nick didn’t feel right about it while his family was nearby. He thought of Audra and how it might affect her. He knew she didn’t think of him as being completely innocent, but he also knew he had a responsibility to his family. Besides, he knew his mother would not approve. He thought again that if they were married, it wouldn’t matter, but Anna was adamant about not leaving him as a widower. In his heart though, he knew that whether the official words were spoken or not, his heart belonged to her and when she left him, he would grieve as though she were his wife.

It was a long trip and when they arrived at the lodge, both were exhausted. They made their bed and fell asleep immediately in each other’s arms.

* * * * * * * *

Anna woke just before sunrise, feeling rested. As she lay there, thinking about where she was and who she was with, she couldn’t resist snuggling closer to Nick and kissing him. He woke slowly and took her in his arms, the two enjoying their time together. As the sun rose, they were lost in the passions that they had been holding back for too long.

* * * * * * * *

The sun was high in the sky before the couple made their way out of the lodge. They decided to picnic near the lake and Nick brought along his fishing pole to try his hand at catching their supper. Anna leaned against a tree stump, watching as Nick threw his line into the water. Her mind replayed their lovemaking from that morning. She was so amazed at his gentle, yet passionate touch. He had been taught the ways of love well and Anna smiled to herself, wondering who his teacher had been. She didn’t know and didn’t want to ask, but she silently thanked whoever it was. Nick caught a few fish and then came to sit next to Anna. Her black onyx eyes met his hazel ones and he wondered what she was thinking. He was about to ask when she spoke.

"This morning was wonderful, Nick," Anna said softly. She felt some embarrassment for saying those words aloud, but she couldn’t help herself. She had to somehow let him know how special their time was to her.

"For me too," Nick said softly, his eyes studying her features. Her face was always pale now, and she had dark circles under her eyes. But Nick still thought she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. It occurred to him then that he never asked her about her husband. She had just said that he hadn’t been a nice man and he had left it at that. They hadn’t known each other long when she had first mentioned him, but now his curiosity was getting the better of him.

"Anna," he began, "I’ll understand if you don’t want to talk about it. But you mentioned before about your husband, Lance. That he wasn’t a nice man. What did you mean by that?"

Anna sighed and looked out over the lake. Her black eyes scanning the water, watching the small waves as they hit the shore.

"Lance was rough. Even his kisses could hurt. I remember when I agreed to marry him, he wanted to take me to bed right then, but I managed to get him to wait until our wedding night. I don’t think he meant to be hurtful, just that he didn’t know how to be any other way. Lance drank, he could say a lot of hurtful things and he spent more nights locked up in the town jail for drunkenness than at home. I don’t really know if I preferred him sober or drunk. There really wasn’t a difference either way. He didn’t know how to be gentle. He would just take me and then it would be over. I never really got any enjoyment from being with him. Not like when I’m with you."

"Look, I don't mean to pry sweetheart, but why did you marry a man like that?"

"Fear. I was all alone in the world, no education, no money, no family and I was lonely. I didn't want to be alone anymore. I knew Lance from school, he seemed nice enough at the time; at least I thought so, but maybe because I needed him to be, I overlooked his faults. He asked me to marry him. No one had ever asked me before so I said yes. At least I wouldn't be lonely, or so I thought."

"But you were lonely." He softly brushed the curve of her cheek with his thumb.

"Worse than ever. What a fool I was." She said with a humorless chuckle. "I should have waited. I should have saved myself for you."

Anna turned to look at Nick. "You’re so gentle. It’s like, when you touch me, it’s for my pleasure. That you want me to enjoy what’s happening and that makes me want to please you. It’s like a circle." Anna looked away embarrassed.

"I’m sorry for prattling on."

Nick took her hand in his and she looked over at him. He kissed her hand and she smiled. "You aren’t prattling on. I do enjoy pleasing you and you please me very much."

Anna continued to smile at him as he moved on top of her and showered her with kisses.

* * * * * * * *

Over the next few days, Nick showed Anna around the area and she was in awe of the beautiful scenery. This place was as beautiful as Nick had described. Anna had felt so good since they had arrived, almost putting her illness from her mind. Almost.

They returned from a ride and Anna went to the kitchen to fix them some dinner. Nick was bringing in some wood for the stove when he heard a loud crash. He ran into the kitchen and saw Anna sitting on the floor, doubled over in pain. He picked her up, and took her into the bedroom. After laying her on the bed, he searched through their things for the medicine Doc Merar had given her. She made him promise to only give her half doses unless she specifically asked for more. She still writhed in pain after twenty minutes and Nick begged her to let him give the entire dose. She didn’t want to take it, but agreed, more for his sake than hers. She realized how hard it was for him to see her in such pain.

Anna finally fell asleep, and Nick stayed by her side, holding her hand. When he was sure she was in a deep sleep, he left her to sit on the porch. After a few minutes, the rage inside him came to a boiling point and he marched off into the woods. He found a large branch, and began to violently strike a nearby tree. The branch could not withstand the force and splintered into tiny pieces. Nick fell to his knees and cried agonizing sobs. He hated this! He hated seeing Anna suffer so and screamed how unfair it was. The trees and surrounding wildlife were the only witnesses to his heartbreak.

Chapter 9

When Anna awoke she found Nick sleeping by her side. She wasn’t sure how long she had been out this time, but it was dark outside. She needed to make a visit to the bathroom so she rose as quietly as she could. The lamp that had been left burning low in the room showed her how tired Nick was, and she knew he desperately needed rest.

The combination of the pain she suffered and the medicine made her feel weak and groggy. She decided to make something to eat; after eating a small sandwich, Anna sat in the parlor. She was tired of lying down. From her place on the sofa, she could see Nick sleeping in the other room. She was so thankful for him. She couldn’t imagine having to go through this alone. But she also felt guilty. He was giving up a lot by being here with her. He loved the ranch and hadn’t really paid much attention to it since he found out about her illness. This showed her the depths of his feelings. The simple act of taking time away from the ranch he loved so much assured her of his love.

Anna continued to study him, wishing things had turned out differently. She wished that they could be married and have babies together. She was sure their boys would look just like Nick. Hazel eyed and handsome. While any daughters they would have would look like her. She enjoyed the little fantasy her mind had dreamed up, until she realized it would never be. She let the tears fall as she mourned a life she could never have.

* * * * * * * *

Nick stirred and reached across the bed. His eyes opened when he found the other side was empty. He sat up and pulled his pants on, not bothering with a shirt. When he walked into the parlor, he saw Anna curled up on the small sofa with a light blanket pulled over her. He smiled at her disheveled appearance.

His outburst before helped to vent some of his pent up emotions. This was turning out to be one of the hardest things in his life, watching the woman he loved die. His heart remained heavy. He thought perhaps he had cried all of his tears out before, but found a few of them still lining his cheeks. He wiped them away and softly sat down in the chair across from Anna. He enjoyed watching her sleep now as much as she had enjoyed watching him earlier.

It wasn’t much later that Anna woke and smiled at Nick. He returned the smile, noticing the glassy look she had in her eyes. The medicine Dr. Merar had given her always took a while to wear off completely which was one of the reasons Anna didn’t like taking it. Nick found himself hoping that this would be one of Anna’s good days. They had been blessed with more than they could have hoped for since arriving, and he really wanted today to be a good day as well.

"How do you feel?" he asked, coming to sit with her on the sofa.

She snuggled up against him, running her hands across his bare chest.

"Tired, but no pain, at least not now."

Nick held her close and kissed the top of her head. They sat in silence for a while until Anna spoke.

"Nick, will you make me a promise?"

"Anything," he said.

Anna hesitated. She had thought long and hard about what she wanted to say to him but the words were difficult to articulate. She took a deep breath and plunged on.

"Promise me you’ll marry someone you truly love and have a happy life together."

Anna felt Nick’s body stiffen beside her. She sat up and looked into his eyes.

"Anna-" he began.

"Nick. I want you to promise me. You deserve that. After I’m gone, I want you to go on with your life. I know you’ll grieve, but I don’t want you to die with me. Please. Promise me."

Nick shifted uncomfortably and said, "Anna, I don’t want to talk about this now."

Anna nodded, knowing that now was not the time to push him. She would have to plant the seed and let the idea take fruition in his mind but she didn’t have much time. It would be difficult for him, but she knew it was the right thing. Just as she couldn’t bear the thought of him being a widower, she couldn’t bear the thought of him being alone for the rest of his life. A lot of people might say Anna was a saint for encouraging the man she loved to find someone else after her death. She didn’t see it that way at all. She felt as though she were being selfish by keeping him here, away from his family and the ranch. She felt selfish for wanting him to stay and care for her, even though she knew it was difficult for him to do so.

Anna looked out the window and noticed the sun was just beginning to rise. The dazzling display of colors was so beautiful. She thought of the joy she felt to be sharing this glorious day with the man she truly loved. She snuggled closer to Nick, running her hand across his chest. She began to kiss him and he returned the kiss; then her hand slid down weakly from it's grasp and her lips relaxed under his. He took her delicate hand and kissed it tenderly. Quietly and gently he carried her to the bedroom they shared for one last time.

Chapter 10

The lone rider made his way up the trail, knowing he would be at his destination in just a few hours. He couldn’t explain why he had to come, only that he knew he was needed. He had woken up in the middle of the night, an overwhelming urge to be with his brother.

The day was beautiful. The sky was blue and the birds serenaded the dark haired man. His deep blue eyes watched everything around him. He finally reached the small lodge that had been built a few years ago by he and his brothers. They had always camped out in tents when they came to Indian Springs, but began making plans for the lodge and spent a few months off and on building it. It wasn’t the most grand of structures, but it was comfortable. Their mother was pleased with it and thanked her sons.

As Jarrod Barkley broke through the brush that allowed him a full view of the lodge and its surroundings, he saw Nick sitting on a tree stump, staring out at the water. Jarrod climbed down from his horse and tied Jingo to a nearby tree. He walked up slowly to Nick, whose back was to him, but made sure he was making enough noise to let Nick know of his presence.

"What are you doing here, Pappy?" Nick asked tiredly.

Jarrod smiled a bit as he said, "We hadn’t heard from you and Mother was beginning to worry."

"Nice try, big brother."

Jarrod sighed. He was still standing behind Nick, but close enough to touch him if he reached out. Nick had not turned around, but continued to stare out onto the clear water.

"I just had to come. I felt...I felt that you needed me."

Nick nodded quietly. Jarrod looked around, wondering where Anna was. It was then that he spotted it. A freshly dug grave just up the hill from the cabin. Nick had turned around to look at him, and noticed the direction of his brother’s gaze. Jarrod turned back to look into Nick’s pain filled eyes.

"When?" Jarrod asked.

"Day before yesterday," Nick said plainly. He quietly stood and walked back to the cabin. He poured a drink for both of them. Jarrod came in slowly, looking around. It looked as though Nick had been packing things up, readying to go home. He accepted the offered drink and sat down. Nick joined him, but didn’t speak. They sat in silence for about a half hour and Jarrod couldn’t help but think how unusual it was for Nick to stay quiet this long. Had the situation not been what it was, he would have joked about it.

"I’m surprised Heath didn’t make the trip with you," Nick said finally breaking the silence.

"He wanted to. But thought if we both came you would worry about the ranch. Things are going well by the way. Getting ready for branding next week."

Nick nodded and took another sip of his drink. He sighed and set the glass down. Jarrod watched him, letting Nick decide when he was ready to talk.

"I can almost understand how you felt when Beth died," were Nick’s first words after another long period of silence. "To lose someone you love like that, I couldn’t imagine."

Jarrod’s heart ached at the mention of his wife’s name. They had known each other for such a short time and to have her taken away from him... Jarrod remembered the pain being unbearable. He remembered the first night of sitting beside his bed, unable to make himself lie down. And the anger. Jarrod had never known such a dark side to him existed, but he knew it now. And he hoped he never saw that part of himself again. He looked up when Nick spoke.

"I hated watching Anna die, Jarrod. The thing that bothers me the most, is that a faceless enemy took her from me. And I can't have the satisfaction of revenge."

Jarrod nodded his understanding. He at least was able to see Cass Hyatt punished for Beth’s murder. Had almost murdered the man himself if not for the courageous brother sitting before him now.

They sat in silence for another few minutes, each lost in their own thoughts. Jarrod could have easily filled in the quiet moments with conversation, but wouldn’t allow himself to speak.

"Will there be joy again, Jarrod?" Nick asked, tears filling his eyes. He looked at Jarrod and said, "Not just happiness. Will there be joy?"

Jarrod thought for a moment. He had often asked himself the same question after Beth’s death. He had known happiness in the years since she had gone. Had joked around with his family. Laughed out loud even. Gone to parties in San Francisco, and dances in Stockton. He had found happiness again, though it took a while. But joy. It took a lot longer for that to come into his life again. And it had come in the form of a young woman that he was to be married to in three months time named Colleen.

"Yes, Nick. You’ll know joy again. It may take some time but it will come."

Nick nodded satisfied with the answer Jarrod had given.

"Anna made me promise that I would marry someday," he said softly. "I had asked her to marry me before we came up here, but she said she couldn’t stand the thought of me being a widower. I just don’t see how I can marry. Just thinking of loving someone else..."

Nick put his head in his hands. He wept and Jarrod came to sit beside him, putting his arm around his hurting brother. Nick allowed Jarrod to comfort him.

"It’ll take time, Nick. Everything takes time. You don’t have to rush into anything. You’ll know when the time is right. When you’re ready to love again."

Nick quieted down. He sat back against the sofa and leaned his head back. He couldn’t remember ever feeling so emotionally bankrupt before. Not even when his father had been killed had he ever felt like this. Maybe it was because his father had died suddenly and Anna had died such a slow, agonizing death. He sighed and stood, refilling his and Jarrod’s drinks.

"I’m planning on going back tomorrow. But Jarrod, I just want to be left alone for a while. I know it isn’t fair to ask the family to do that. And I know I would have a hard time abiding by this request if you or Heath asked, but I need this time alone, and I want to do it my own way. If you want to ride back with me that’s fine. But eventually I want you to ride ahead and tell them to leave me alone at least for a little while."

Jarrod watched Nick as he made his speech. He knew his mother would have a difficult time with this request. As would Heath and Audra. But he knew that if he explained things to them, they would do as Nick asked.

Jarrod placed a hand on Nick’s shoulder and squeezed it. They didn’t need to say anything. Nick knew Jarrod would do what he wanted and he left at that.

Chapter 11

Jarrod left for home a few hours before Nick and arrived in the late afternoon. He entered through the front door, placing his hat and gun belt on the hat tree. He turned around and saw his mother as she descended the stairs.

Once she reached the bottom, she asked, "Did you find Nick? Will he be home soon?"

Victoria looked anxious. She admitted that she was worried about her middle son and was relieved when Jarrod had informed her he was going to the lodge. She led Jarrod into the parlor and they sat on the sofa.

"Yes, I saw Nick and he should be home in a few hours if he doesn’t decide to camp out tonight."

"How’s Anna?"

Jarrod’s expression turned sorrowful and Victoria didn’t need him to tell her that Anna was gone. Tears filled her eyes and Jarrod put his arm around her.

"When?" she asked, the tears falling down her cheeks.

"A few days ago." Jarrod hesitated before going on. He knew his mother would not like what he had to say. "Mother, Nick asked me to tell the family something."

Victoria looked up, wondering what he was going to say.

"Nick wants us to leave him alone for now. I think he’s planning on resuming his duties on the ranch, but he doesn’t want us trying to encourage him or cheer him up."

Victoria shifted away from Jarrod, clearly not pleased with the request.

"We can’t let him shut us out. We are family and family always helps one another!"

Jarrod smiled, knowing she would react that way. "I don’t think Nick is going to shut us out. He just wants to grieve in his own way. His heart needs time to heal. He knows he has our support and love, we just need to back off for a while. Just a little while."

Victoria nodded. This would be difficult for her, he knew. It would be difficult for them all, but they would do it for Nick.

Later that evening, Jarrod and Heath were involved in a game of billiards while Audra looked on, smiling at the teasing remarks her brothers were tossing back and forth. Victoria had gone to get some coffee and was headed back to the billiard room when the front door opened. In walked Nick. He looked dusty, tired and his face was thinner. Victoria set the tray down she had been carrying and walked over to him.

"Hello, Mother," he said softly. Victoria thought he looked like a wounded animal. She didn’t know what to say to him, so she held out her arms. He gladly accepted her embrace. Nick closed his eyes, taking comfort in having his mother’s arms around him. He longed to be a little boy again, to have her kiss his pain away as she had done when he was a child. But he was a grown man now, and the pain in his heart wouldn’t be taken away with his mother’s kiss.

Nick stepped back and Victoria’s eyes shone with unshed tears. Nick kissed her cheek and said softly, "It’s good to be home, Mother."

"The family’s in the billiard room. I know Heath and Audra are eager to see you."

Nick shook his head. "I’m tired. I think I’ll just head on up and bathe, then turn in. I’ll see them tomorrow morning at breakfast. Tell them all good night for me."

Victoria nodded and watched as Nick made his way up the stairs. She waited to regain her composure before taking the coffee in to the others.

* * * * * * * *

Nick threw himself into the work of the ranch. He would rise before dawn and would work until sundown, at times doing the work of two men. By the time he fell into bed at night he was exhausted. He wouldn’t have any trouble falling asleep and his dreams at night were filled with visions of Anna. Her smile and laughter would fill his ears and the memories of her in his arms filled his heart with joy. Then, toward the end of the night, his dreams would turn into nightmares. Anna’s last days were heartrending. Her cries of pain would come back to Nick, causing him to awaken in a cold sweat. He would lie in bed, his arms aching to hold her again.

The family honored Nick’s wishes and allowed him to grieve. The first few weeks after his return, he was quiet and withdrawn. He would eat his meals with them, but rarely joined in the conversations going on around him. No one was used to this quiet Nick. They all admitted they missed their boisterous brother and son, but waited patiently.

Slowly, Nick’s heart began to heal. The pain of losing Anna had been so sharp in the beginning. It almost hurt to breath when she would invade his thoughts. But eventually, Nick found the pain becoming a dull ache.

One day, he and Heath were riding the range, checking for downed fence lines from the storm that swept through the night before. Heath was telling him about one of the ranch hands and his run-in with the new school teacher. Nick laughed out loud at the way the teacher had put Bill in his place. The sound of his own laughter ringing in his ears, caused tears to well up in his eyes. He abruptly stopped Coco and dismounted. Heath, who had been enjoying listening to his brother’s laughter stopped as well. He walked up beside Nick, who was leaning against a fence post, his hand covering his eyes.

Heath was a very perceptive man and placed his hands on Nick’s shoulders. Nick didn’t look up at him, but this didn’t stop Heath from speaking.

"You aren’t betraying Anna’s memory by laughing, Nick. It’s okay to enjoy yourself again."

Nick nodded, knowing Heath was right. He looked at his brother and said, "You go on. I’m gonna ride over to the west ridge and make sure there was no damage there by the storm. I’ll see you at home."

Heath was hesitant to leave. "You sure? I don’t mind staying."

"I’m sure. I just want to be by myself for a little while. I’ll be home in time for dinner."

Chapter 12

Little by little Nick returned to normal. He joined in with the family again, instead of staying on the outskirts, observing as he had done the past few months.

Jarrod’s wedding to Colleen was upon them and Nick stood beside his brother as best man. Nick admitted the day was difficult for him, but seeing the happiness of his beloved older brother, helped to cushion his pain. The brothers were spending a few minutes alone before the wedding started.

Nick sat in a chair and watched as Jarrod paced around the room like a caged animal. He couldn’t help but smile as he watched the normally calm man muttering to himself.

"You’ve got the ring, right?" Jarrod asked for the umpteenth time.

"Yes, Pappy, I got the ring right here," Nick said, patting his coat pocket. Jarrod nodded and paced some more. Nick was sure a hole was going to be worn in the carpet if the signal weren’t given soon for them to leave the room.

Nick stood in front of his brother, stopping the other man. "Seeing you here today, the happiness - no - the joy on your face...gives me hope Jarrod."

Jarrod knew exactly what Nick was talking about. He smiled a little, blinking back tears. It had been a long journey since Beth’s death. The dark tunnel had gone on for so long, but there was now a light shining to show Jarrod the way.

"You’ll have it too someday, Nick."

Nick nodded, his emotions too close to the surface to speak.

"Who knows? Joy may be sitting downstairs right now?" Jarrod said, a smile pulling at the corners of his mouth.

Nick sighed. "Cut that out! I never thought you were one to play matchmaker!"

Jarrod laughed. "Laura Anderson is a nice young lady and an excellent secretary. You would do well to get to know her."

Before Nick could answer, someone knocked on the door. Heath poked his head in and whistled.

"Boy howdy, if you two don’t look pretty!"

Nick and Jarrod both laughed and invited Heath in for a quick drink. Jarrod needed something to calm his nerves and Nick was thankful for the interruption. He had been noticing Jarrod’s new secretary for a while, but hadn’t made any overt moves. She was a beautiful woman, with reddish blond hair and big blue eyes. She always smiled so sweetly at him whenever he came to visit Jarrod at his office. And Nick was finding more and more reasons to "drop in" to see his brother. On several occasions, Nick was tempted to ask Miss Anderson to dinner, but couldn’t bring himself to take that step.

Another knock on the door interrupted Nick’s thoughts. It was the signal that the service was about to begin. Nick smiled at Jarrod and Heath and the three made their way down front.

The reception was in full swing, the newly married couple receiving congratulations from all around. Nick had danced with his mother, sister and new sister-in-law but now found himself walking toward a certain strawberry blond.

Laura looked up from her glass of punch and held her breath as she watched Nick approach. She didn’t know such a handsome man existed in the world. His tall, well built frame and dark hair drew Laura’s interest immediately. But it was Nick’s hazel eyes that caused her heart to beat just a bit faster whenever he was around. There was such a sadness in them, one that she hoped she would have the chance to take away.

"Miss Anderson, may I have this dance?"

Laura smiled sweetly and said, "I would be honored, Mr. Barkley."

They danced the next three dances together, talking, laughing and enjoying each other’s company. When the music ended, Nick found it hard to let Laura’s hand go. She had been so sweet to hold. He asked her if he could take her to dinner later in the week and she accepted. Nick admitted he was looking forward to their evening together.

* * * * * * * *

As Victoria Barkley watched her middle son ride away, she felt deep concern. He had informed the family the day before he was leaving for a few days. Heath offered to go with him, but Nick had said he wanted to be alone. Victoria couldn’t help but think back to when Nick left the family because he had been bitten by a wolf. Nick was certain the wolf had been rabid and to spare his family pain, he stayed away for two months. Victoria had been so worried about him. Her tossing and turning at night as she wondered where he was and what was wrong were still a vivid memory. At the time, she hadn’t known about the wolf. Once she found out Nick’s reasons for leaving, she understood his decision, though she didn’t agree with it at all.

Nick had seemed to return to his old self since Jarrod's wedding. His boisterous laughter could be heard all over and he still made quite an entrance into the house. Victoria smiled at the thought.

But the last few days Nick seemed to be withdrawing from them again. He and Laura Anderson were almost inseparable and Victoria guessed there would be an announcement soon regarding their relationship. Nick seemed happy until he told them he was leaving. Victoria found a private moment to ask Jarrod if perhaps the couple had had a falling out, but Jarrod assured her they seemed to be doing well.

What Victoria didn’t know, was Nick was headed back to Indian Springs. He had not been there since Anna’s death and was feeling the need to be near her again. He arrived late in the afternoon and after unloading his supplies, he made the short trek up the hill to her resting place. He sat in silence for a few minutes, then began to speak.

"I miss you, Anna. It’s so hard to believe it will be a year next month that you died. In a way the year has gone by quickly, and in others it was so long." He paused, taking a deep breath. " I wanted you to know I’ve met someone. Her name is Laura and I think you would like her a lot. She’s a kind and generous woman, and feisty too. Got a lot of spirit. You two would have been great friends.

"I decided I’m going to ask her to marry me. It’s something I’ve thought long and hard about, and I felt I needed to let you know. I’ve told her all about you and she understands. She knows how much I loved you and how much it hurt to lose you.

"I know you wanted me to have a bunch of boys to help me with the ranch, but I hope we have a girl too, because I want to name her Anna. I want her to grow up to be the kind of woman you were: a wonderful, unselfish woman."

Nick paused again, swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat.

"I’ll never forget you, Anna," he whispered.

* * * * * * * *

Nick’s wedding day...

Jarrod watched as Nick paced nervously, waiting for the signal to stand down in front of the church. He smiled as he thought of the long journey Nick had taken, knowing it had been difficult for him. But Nick had finally found joy again. He and Laura were the perfect compliment to each other.

Jarrod smiled when he thought of Laura’s name. Laura Joy Anderson. How fitting. Nick had found his "joy" again. In more ways than one.

THE END