Redemption

by CamRose

Disclaimer: The characters and situations of the TV program "Big Valley" are the creations of Four Star/Republic Pictures and have been used without permission. No copyright infringement is intended by the author. The ideas expressed in this story are copyrighted to the author.

Dr. Merar stood at the bottom of the grand staircase as the Barkley children made their way upstairs to their brother’s room, answering their mother’s summons. He debated going back up with them, but realized that it was not his place. Tom Barkley’s son was beyond any help he could offer. Howard waited downstairs instead, in case he was needed by the living.

While he waited, he reviewed the care he had given the young man. He wondered for the hundredth time if he had missed anything important that would have told him what the disease was and how to cure it. The doctor had never seen anything like it in his forty years of practicing medicine. The disease had started with a symptom that was so common that Howard hadn’t given it a second thought. His patient tripped while going up a step. Howard attributed it to an injury of the knee joint, a common occurrence in men. He hadn’t even been worried when it happened a second time; he just prescribed warm compresses and rest. However, when it happened a third time, in conjunction with a fall, Howard began to look closer at the Barkley’s son. What he saw worried him. There was wasting of muscles throughout and his patient was losing the ability to move his feet. Moreover, his hand movements were becoming clumsy. The disease was manifesting itself with neurological symptoms, progressing with a speed that was frightening. Within four months, the previously healthy man couldn’t climb stairs without assistance and his speech was becoming slurred, which was devastating to his patient and family. Furthermore, he was starting to choke on food, to the point that Silas had to prepare soft meals for him. Howard knew then that the disease was fatal and would kill his patient. It was just a matter of time.

Still, Howard had tried everything he could think of to help the young man. He had even suggested that the Barkleys go to San Francisco to consult with doctors there. It proved to be useless; the specialists in San Francisco had seen a few patients with the same symptoms, but could offer no hope or cure. So the Barkley’s son had come home to die. Howard knew that the cause of his death would be respiratory, likely pneumonia. The young man would be unable to cough and clear his lungs. Helplessly, he had watched as the disease ran its inevitable course, culminating in the events of tonight.

Howard sat down on the settee in the parlor, alone with his thoughts, and waited. After thirty five minutes, Silas came downstairs to inform Howard that his services would no longer be needed. The tears in the older house servant’s eyes and sorrowful demeanor told Howard what he needed to know, so he quietly left.

* * * * * * * *

The day had proved to be difficult for Victoria Barkley. As hard as it had been to bury her husband, it was even harder to bury his son. One thought remained uppermost in her mind…. No parent should have to bury a child.

After his passing, her son’s body was temporarily moved to one of the guest-rooms, to allow Silas to clean the sickroom. Then his brothers reverently carried their brother's body back to his bedroom, so the family could prepare it for his wake. It was decided to hold the visitation the following day, in the parlor of the stately home. Tom Barkley’s son had been well known in the town of Stockton; word of his death would spread quickly through the close knit community. Victoria expected many townspeople and neighbors would want to come and offer their last respects.

Her daughter Audra had offered to help with preparing the body and picking out the clothes her brother would be buried in, but Victoria declined her assistance. This task was hers and hers alone to perform, before she sent her child to his eternal rest. Instead, she asked Audra to help Silas with preparing the parlor, recognizing her daughter’s need to do one last thing for her beloved brother.

When she was finished washing and drying her son’s body, Victoria went to the armoire as she had done so many times before, only this time with the intention of taking out, not putting away his clothes. After lengthy consideration, she took out the blue suit she had bought for him. The suit would look huge on his wasted frame, but there was no other choice as far as she was concerned. The suit was followed by one of his white shirts and a vest. There was no need for a tie; he had always hated them. Lastly, she chose his favorite pair of boots with plain black socks, and the leather belt with the fancy brass buckle he bought at the last county fair. She sadly smiled as she remembered the good-natured teasing he had received from his other brothers about the belt.

She knew she could have let the undertaker make the preparations, and perhaps he would have picked out something different. But the Barkleys buried their own. Her other sons were completing their work on the simple coffin that he would be buried in, as a labor of love and respect for their brother. Even the ceremony would be private, with only the family and a select number of close friends in attendance.

Having made her choices, she dressed him. Starting at his feet, Victoria carefully worked her way up, acutely aware that this would be the last time she would touch him with a mother’s right. As she finished combing his hair, she marveled at the peaceful expression on his face. A tear escaped from her eye, both of sadness and joy, for although he was gone, she knew he was in a better place. Victoria placed the comb on the table next to the bed and picked up the framed picture that rested next to it. She studied the photograph for a moment. It was a picture of Victoria with her children, taken half a year before her son had sickened. The photographer, a friend of her son from the war, had caught the likeness of each family member perfectly. Victoria carefully removed the picture from its frame and tucked the picture into his vest pocket, over his heart. One last time, she caressed his face, then leaned forward and kissed his forehead, resting her hands on her son’s shoulders. “Goodnight, sweetheart,” she murmured softly.

Victoria stood and moved away from the bed towards the door. As she placed her hand on the doorknob, she stopped and turned back for a long look at her son. Then, opening the door, she quietly left and headed downstairs to find her sons and to ask them to bring the coffin up when they were finished.

* * * * * * * *

The parlor was lit by the soft glow of both candles and oil lamps. The coffin rested on two sawhorses, covered by a large, deep red shawl, the color the symbol of the family's love. Vases filled with flowers from his mother’s garden rested at her son’s head and feet, while a small spray rested on top of the coffin.

Victoria and her remaining children sat nearby, greeting each visitor as they approached the coffin. The Barkleys all wore black, as was required by propriety. During the night, each sibling had taken a turn sitting by the coffin in the dimly lit parlor, in silent watch. Victoria couldn’t bear the thought of him being alone and in the dark.

Victoria knew that there would be mourners coming to pay their last respects, but the number of people who came through the door truly amazed her. Her son had touched many people. As she accepted their condolences, many shared stories about him that she had never known. She kept this knowledge in her heart, and knew that she would cherish it always, as a last gift to her from her son.

With the approach of evening, the number of visitors dwindled, until there was no one present in the parlor except for the family. Relieved that the wake was over, Victoria directed Silas to lock the front door. As the house servant slowly made his way to the door, there was a rap on it. Silas hesitated, looking back at Victoria to confirm that he should answer the door. When she nodded her head yes, he continued on and opened the front door.

Howard Merar stood in the doorway, holding his hat in his hands. Victoria was shocked at his appearance. The physician looked drawn and frail in a way that Victoria had never seen him look before. She had been so caught up in her own grief at her son’s illness and passing that she hadn’t realized the effect it had had on their long time friend and doctor.

* * * * * * * *

“Good evening, Doctor Merar.” Silas greeted him warmly. “May I take your hat?”

“Good evening, Silas. Yes, thank you.” Dr. Merar handed him his hat, and walked across the hallway towards the parlor and Barkley family, as Silas retreated.

Howard Merar approached the grieving family slowly, unsure of the reception he would receive. The last time he had been in the home, their son and brother had been alive.

He needn’t have worried. Victoria rose from her padded armchair gracefully to greet him, as did her children.

“Howard, I’m so glad you were able to come. I was afraid you wouldn’t be able to make it.”

Howard visibly relaxed. He greeted them all.

“Victoria, Audra…..boys.” He hugged Victoria and Audra, and shook the hand of each brother. He then turned his attention back to Victoria.

“I’m sorry I was late, Victoria. One of the Swenson’s hired hands had an accident, and I needed to tend to him right away. I hoped you would understand.”

Victoria smiled warmly at him. “Of course, Howard. You’ve spent so much time here that I was worried about your other patients. We’re very grateful, you know, for all you’ve done for us.” Reaching over, she took his arm and hooked her elbow inside of his, drawing him away from her children and over towards the coffin.

Howard let her lead him; he was grateful for the support of her arm. As they approached her son’s coffin, he asked her gently. “Victoria, how are you doing? And the rest of your family?”

She shrugged and smiled sadly at him. “We’re managing, Howard, but it’s hard for a mother to bury a child and for my children, to bury their brother.” She voiced the thoughts that had been running through her mind since her son had passed.

Howard patted her arm gently as they reached the coffin. “I know, Victoria, I know.” He gazed steadily at the coffin in front of them, taking in the red shawl and colorful flowers that rested on top of the coffin. “Did you know that Iva and I lost a child once?”

Victoria looked at Howard with subdued surprise. “No, Howard, I never knew that.” It was common knowledge that the Merars were childless. Victoria had often wondered why. She waited for his response.

“It was a long time ago. If he lived, he’d have been about Nick’s age. We lost him when we lived in Kentucky.” Howard had been a young doctor then, just starting out. Their first born had been born with hydrocephalus and hadn’t lived past one year. After that, Iva had miscarried twice and nearly died once, and so they decided not to try again to have a child.

“I’m sorry, Howard. I’m sure you and Iva would have made wonderful parents.” Victoria reached out and touched the coffin gently, without conscious thought. “And you never thought about adopting a child?”

Howard shook his head no. “No, by that time we were planning to move to California, and knew that the trip would be hard on a child. Then, when we arrived, there was the matter of finding a place to live and setting up my practice. We just never pursued it.” He and Iva had settled into the routine of being Doctor and Mrs. Merar, and had never regretted it, he reflected.

They stood silently before the coffin, each lost in their own thoughts. Finally, Howard broke the silence.

“Victoria, your son was one of the finest men I ever knew. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t save him for you.” He couldn’t look at the woman who stood beside him.

Victoria sighed and gently turned the older man towards her. She took hold of his hands firmly in hers and tugged on them to get his attention. “Howard, look at me.” He met her gaze with hesitation.

“Howard, I know that you did everything in your power to try to save my son, and furthermore, I know that he knew that too. You have nothing, absolutely nothing to apologize for. You did your best, and we’re all grateful for your efforts.”

Howard didn’t answer her; he couldn’t for fear of breaking down in front of her. A doctor wasn’t supposed to get as involved as he had with this family and their situation. Sensing this, Victoria reached into her pocket and drew something out.

“Howard, I have something for you.” Turning over his right hand, she placed the object in it. “It’s a gift to you, from my son.”

With wonder in his eyes, the doctor picked up and examined the object he held in his hands. It was an expensive, gold pocket watch, with a fob and chain. He turned it over. On the back, etched in fine script, were her son's initials. He looked at Victoria with a surprised expression on his face. She smiled back at him, reassuringly.

“It’s my son’s pocket watch. I gave it to him on his twenty-fifth birthday. It’s a tradition in our family, that each son receives one at that age. Howard, he specifically asked me to give it to you in the event of his death. He knew that you would take care of it and told me to tell you to be sure to put it to good use.” She thought back to all the times that Dr. Merar had pulled out his old pocket watch with the broken chain to check her son’s pulse or breathing rate, and how her son had commented on it one time. At the time, it had been a joke, but later on, he asked her to make sure that the older physician received it as a token of his appreciation.

Howard was speechless. The gift had taken him completely by surprise. He glanced back at the coffin, and knew, with a flash of insight, that his patient had surmised what his doctor’s reaction would be when he died. He felt his guilt and distress evaporate, and his spirits lift. The pain of losing this particular patient would always be there, he knew, but he would be forever grateful for the precious gift of redemption that the watch symbolized. He reached out to Victoria and drew her into a hug, holding on tightly to the pocket watch

“Thank you, Victoria. It means the world to me. I hope your son knew that."

Victoria returned the hug and leaned back, smiling kindly at her old friend. “I’m sure he did, Howard. Now, let’s get back to the rest of my family….can you stay awhile? We’re going to be sharing stories……” Sliding their arms around each other, the two walked away from the coffin, which stood in quiet testament to love and friendship.