A Shadow from the Past

by Barkley Lady

Disclaimer: The characters and situations of the TV program "Big Valley" are the creations of Four Star/Republic Pictures and have been used without permission. No copyright infringement is intended by the author. The ideas expressed in this story are copyrighted to the author.

The rain was pouring down on the little group of people that stood around the grave waiting for Father Michael to say the final words before the coffin was lowered down to its resting place and they could leave to go home to the warmth. One by one they let their flowers fall so that the two men waiting could start to pour the wet earth over the oak chest, all but one that was. Nick stood there and just couldn’t do it, feeling that if he let his bouquet drop she would be gone and this time it would be forever. She could never come back to him and his dreams about a life with her would have to end. His mother and Heath both supported him and nudged him to let go and at last with one last look at the red rose and forget-me-nots he dropped them and left before anyone could stop him. Family and friends stood still and watched him leave the graveyard without even looking back.

The sound of a door being flung open in anger, spurs leaving the house in haste and the growl from her middle son made Victoria run out of the kitchen towards the foyer. She hurried out through the open door, just in time to see his back galloping away from the ranch. Slowly she walked over to Heath who stood by the barns holding Charger’s saddle, his eyes following his brother’s ride. Duke stood beside him scratching his head.

"Heath, what …?

"I don’t know Mother. We just got home and Nick went in to see if Jarrod was home. And the next thing I know is that he is back on a horse cursing. Duke had just saddled that horse to go to the South pasture. He just pushed him aside." Victoria turned to the old foreman.

"Don’t ask me Victoria. I don’t think I have seen him that angry for a very long time. I’m just happy I didn’t have a meeting with his right fist. Perhaps you better ask Jarrod." Duke nodded towards the oldest son coming out of the house.

"What’s all the commotion about?" He looked at the small group of people standing outside the barn. Heath sighed and went back in to saddle Charger again. He needed to find his older brother and find out what had happened.

Nick rode in a fierce pace towards the mountains in the east, making the horse work hard. First after a few miles he slowed down as he felt the anger get replaced by questions, a lot of questions. Realizing that his subconscious had taken him to a place he hadn’t been since the day he got back from the war he gently halted the horse and looked around. Slowly he steered the faithful animal towards the small path he knew should be there somewhere, noticing the ground getting more and more unsafe. Shortly it was so unsafe that he didn’t want the horse to go on any further so he got off and led it to a small creek seeing to it that it got watered before tying it to a tree. After having a cold drink himself he started to climb up the path heading towards a cave. The climb was so difficult that he had to keep his mind set on the task and for a while he forgot the reason that put him in this disposition.

After an hours climb he stood outside the cave looking over the valley and he realised that he had forgotten how wonderful this place was and what a good view you had from here. He could see Heath tracking not far from where he had left the horse and knew that he was looking for him. Hoping it would take some time before his brother turned up he sat down with his back leaning on the rock that formed the cave. How could she? How could she come back and do this to him after 12 long years? How dared she buy the land he wanted? Damn Jarrod for leaving the official papers from the town council so openly that he had seen them and damn him for not warning him about it. He could feel the anger rise inside him again and he knew he needed to ride out to her ranch to get some answers or he would never get any peace and yet there was the fear for the answers.

When he was back at the bottom of the cliff once again, he found Heath waiting for him, sitting on the ground with his back leaning against a tree. Nick joined him and quietly the brothers sat together watching the horses munch on some green bits that looked like grass. Heath was taken by surprise that Nick didn’t tell him right away what had caused the outburst but he figured that his brother would do so in due time so he sat there and waited. He knew that sometimes even Nick needed a moment to gather his thoughts before letting the world know what was on his mind. It was not until Nick stood up to ride back to the ranch that Heath understood that this time, just for once Nick wasn’t going to say anything, not a word about the reason or where he had been after he left the horse.

Nick continued to hardly say a word for the rest of the day and evening. It wasn’t until it was time to go to bed that he told the rest of the family that he was taking the next day off. Surprised, his brothers looked at each other and then to their mother who was looking back at them.

"Nick, if something is bothering you, isn’t it better you let it out and let us help you. Perhaps there is something we can do?"

"No, I need to go somewhere tomorrow, alone. I’ll be back in the evening."

"I’ll come with you."

"No Heath, I need to go alone."

"You are not ill are you?" His mother remembered with horror the time he had left them without a clue, left them to die alone. He gave her a small smile.

"No Mother, I’m well. Just need to get some answers, that’s all."

It was early morning when he rode through the rusty gates of the old ranch. He saw some men working in something that once had been a lovely garden, several others working on the buildings and from a coral he could see some good horses. At least the ranch was been taken care of after ten years of neglect he sighed to himself. When he reached the main building he slowly dismounted and then tied Big Duke to the hitching rail before walking up to the large oak door. There he hesitated before he raised his hand to the door knocker. With a deep breath he got hold of the knocker and with three hard knocks made a request to enter. After, what seemed to him, a long moment he turned to go out and ask one of the men if anyone was at home when a suit dressed man opened the door. The man was about his own age, with a scar that ran over the right eye and had a stiff appearance. He didn’t look too happy about being disturbed.

"Yes?" Nick hesitated before tipping his hat to the man.

"I came to see Catherine."

"Does she know you are coming?" When Nick hesitated the man continued with a smirk. "No, then I’m not so sure she will see you sir." He looked Nick over with a face clearly showing his disgust over the cowboy clothes.

"Ask her if she has time to see Nicholas Barkley." After another look over the man showed Nick into the foyer.

"Wait here." He went up the stairs and disappeared in a hallway leading to the back of the house. Nick looked around in the room. It didn’t look as it did in the old days when the old general and his wife lived here. He noticed an old painting of the stern couple and walked over to have a better look. He felt the shiver run down his spine as memory flooded over him. Those two had not been very nice, to put it in a kindly manner, to the children in Stockton. His patience started to fail and he walked over to a chair, placed his hat and gloves on a table and sat down. Restless he sat moving on the chair until an older nurse came walking down the stairs. Surprised he quickly stood up and walked towards her.

"Miss Catherine will see you now but if you upset her I’ll have you chased all the way to where you came from." The nurse’s grey eyes bore into his hazel and he felt like a little school boy standing in front of his teacher having to admit that he hadn’t done his homework once again.

"Follow me, Mr Barkley." She turned making her dress swipe along his legs. He followed her closely, wondering if this really was such a good idea. The anger he had felt yesterday was gone and all he now wanted was the answers to his questions, then he would leave as fast as he could and never bother this place or her any more.

The nurse opened a door that led into a dark room but instead of staying in it she walked straight out on the balcony and towards a bed that was placed in the shade. The man was standing by the balustrade with an irritated look in his eyes when he noticed Nick and the nurse. With a few harsh words he quickly left moving the other way. Nick could see that under a heavy blanket, sitting up with the help of several pillows was a tiny body.

"Catherine, your visitor." The nurse walked over to a chair close by and sat down.

"Please Mary, leave us alone." Nick heard the tiny voice that didn’t sound at all like the voice he heard in his dreams. "Please Mary, it’s important. You know I wouldn’t ask you if it wasn’t." The fragile person in the bed turned slightly towards where Nick was standing. "Nicholas, please take the chair and sit next to me. My sight isn’t as good any more." The nurse had hardly got up from the chair before he took it and moved it to the side of the bed. The sight of the woman laying there was breathtaking even if she apparently wasn’t well. Her hair was thinner and without the glow as were the eyes but the hair was still dark red and her eyes still clear green.

"Hello, Kitten." He fought the urge to pick her up and hold her tight against his body.

"Mary, see if the kitchen has anything that we can serve a guest, please." The sound of the skirt leaving told him that the older woman was gone. He waited for a moment as he noticed that she was trying to focus in on his face. He moved slightly so that she wouldn’t have the sun directly in her eyes.

"Why are you back in Stockton and why did you have to buy this place?" Suddenly the anger rose in him again and he stood up and walked to the balustrade. As he leaned against it he looked over the buildings and over to the mountains in the horizon. Standing with his back towards her he tried to regain his self control, reminding himself that she clearly wasn’t well.

"I have my reasons, Nicholas, I have my reasons. How did you find out? I have seen to it that Stuart has been responsible for all the needed contacts, covering all the tracks." She frowned as she tried to fix her eyes on the dark tall man standing not too far away from her. Nick listened to her voice. He had always loved that she called him Nicholas instead of Nick; in fact she was the only one he wanted to be called that from, just as he had always called her Kitten.

"Jarrod brought home the papers from the sale yesterday. I saw them and recognised your signature. Why? You know my family always wanted this land. And I know how much you hated it."

"And it shall be yours Nicholas, but only yours not the Barkley’s. The land that is. The house I have other plans for." She let out a raw cough. He turned around and looked at her.

"Mine? But …?"

"Nicholas, I’m dying. And I sort of wanted both revenge on Stockton and to turn the fortune I made over the years into something good. It took Stuart a few years to get the owner interested to sell the ranch and then she got greedy and decided to auction it out."

"How long?"

"Well, it must have taken him …"

"No, how long have you been ill?" Nick moved the chair closer to her bed and sat down, taking one of her hands in his. He let his fingers touch her face. Those cheeks that always had been so rosy where now sunken in and pale.

"It’s the second time I have cancer. Somehow I managed to survive last time." She tried to smile.

"Then you can do it again!"

"No, it has gone too far and besides I don’t think I can gather the strength to fight it again. It will be over soon. I just feel sorry that you had to find out."

"Why did you leave?" Nick quickly changed the subject feeling very disturbed by the news she had given him. "It has been twelve years, years that we could have spent together if you hadn’t left like you did." She swallowed and tried to breathe calmly as she saw the hurt in his eyes. How could she explain why so that he would understand without getting more hurt?

"Your parents." She coughed once more. "Nicholas, Mr Barkley offered me more money than I had ever seen if I kept away from you and if I didn’t and we got more involved he said he would disinherit you. What else could I have done but leave?" Her eyes pleaded to him to understand.

"So you took …? His voice turned cold.

"No, I didn’t take the money." How could he even think that she could have done that? She felt the pain run through her mind and at the same time her body. Gathering her breath she continued. "I dropped the money on the ground and left him standing there. Nicholas, I knew how much the ranch and your father meant to you. I loved you too much to have you lose that."

"You didn’t give me a chance to even choose. I would happily have left Kitten. I still would. You meant more to me than the ranch. We could have started over some where else." He felt so hurt that she hadn’t even asked him about his choice, just made her decision and left.

"Nicholas, don’t you see. I wasn’t good enough for you. I was just an orphan found on the street as a baby. You were born with everything that a person could dream of. Every day you told me about your plans for the ranch and how much you love it and the valley. How could I possibly …. I knew you too well; I knew you would come with me."

"We were together and had been so for, well we had known each other for over ten years, did you really think that ... I knew you Kitten or at least I thought I did. I got angry, so disappointed when I understood that you were gone that life lost its meaning and I joined the military to get away from the ranch."

"Me too."

"Me too what?"

"Joined the military."

"But you were a girl?"

"Nothing a haircut, bandages and male clothing couldn’t change. You had taught me how to use a rifle and gun. Hard years." She tried to smile but the memory was painful and she shut her eyes. Suddenly she felt his hand gently caress her face and she leaned into it.

"I missed you." Tears fell down her face and through the drops her eyes searched for his. He cupped his hands around what was left of her face and gently kissed her. He leaded his forehead against hers.

"I missed you too. I used to dream about the life we could have had and that I turned my back against. That dream kept me alive." Her coughing got worse and her body shivered with the exhaustion. He looked at her as he stroked away the thin locks from her face. As he noticed that her shawl had glided off her shoulders he reached around her and saw the scars on her shoulders. He bent her forward towards his body as he gently slid a finger along the familiar lines, lines he had seen on his younger brother’s back too.

"What happened? Kitten who did this to you?" He felt the muscles in her body tighten and with a control he didn’t think he had he looked deep into her eyes, leaning her back against the pillows.

"Kitten? Please tell me." He wasn’t used to beg. He could feel that he wanted to shake the answer out of her but something held him back just as a thought struck him.

"It has to do with the war, hasn’t it? My younger brother gets the same reaction as you have right now when memories of it haunt him."

"Eugene?"

"No, Darling, a few years ago I got another brother, four years younger, Heath. You haven’t answered my question and I still want to know. Please."

"I once met a Heath, a young boy." The pain got hold of her body and she bent forward. Nick quickly stood up and gathered her up in his arms before he sat down on the bed. He sat holding her close to his chest waiting for the pain to let go. Slowly it got easier for her to breathe again and he gently caressed her body as he kissed her head. When her breathing was back to normal, even if it was weak he leaned back a little and studied her face. The pain was still in her eyes and he felt the hopelessness run through his body. For twelve years he had longed for her and at the same time done his best to forget her and now when she was back…Someone touched his shoulder and he looked up into a pair of grey eyes.

"Here, let her have this. It takes the pain away and relaxes the tight muscles a little."

"What is it? No, I don’t think I want to know." He leaned back so that the nurse could give Kitten a spoonful of morphine. They sat quietly together waiting for the pain to disappear for the moment.

"Shall we exchange Heath stories or is that too painful?"

"I met him in Carterson. He was just a kid of 15. The others used to take every chance to hurt the young ones, and so did the guards too. I just felt close to him, like a brother, remember Joshua, just like that. I just had to do my best to keep him safe and at the same time I couldn’t do it openly knowing that …"

"They didn’t know you were a woman, did they?"

"Not at first, after a few weeks they did." Nick sat quietly musing to himself.

"You know, my brother Heath was in Carterson."

"Hmm, how did you get one more brother?" She tried to move so that she could look into his eyes but he held her close to his chest, leaning his cheek against her head.

"Father had a … Think your Heath is the same as my Heath?" The nurse came up to check on them again.

"Catherine. Perhaps Mr Barkley should see to it that you get back into bed."

"Please Mary; I would want to stay here if Nicholas doesn’t mind, just a little longer please."

"I don’t mind, sweetheart. I can sit here for as long as you want. Perhaps Madam Nurse can get me some paper and have a message taken over to my ranch."

"I’ll get what you need Mr Barkley and it’s Mary or Miss Mendis." She left them.

"I have got so many questions Kitten; I don’t know where to start."

"Father Michael is supposed to come this afternoon. If you don’t mind, I know he wants to know too."

"I’ll wait even if it’s hard." They sat together on the outdoor bed. Now and then Nick straightened the thick blanket, now and then she got a new dose of morphine to ease the pain. The nurse had brought Nick what he wanted and a rider had left for the Barkley Ranch and someone had taken care of Big Duke. Stuart and Mary checked on them regularly.

Hours later, as two more visitors arrived from Barkley Ranch, the buggy with Father Michael stopped by the oak door. Victoria looked at her friend from the orphanage.

"Father, how nice to see you."

"The same Victoria, even though I’m surprised to see you here considering the circumstances."

Victoria gazed at her friend. "What I mean is you and Tom never approved of Catherine …"

"And from what Nick’s note said it’s too late to take back what we did wrong back then. Are you here as …"

"I’m here because she did belong under my wing and because she sent for me. From what I know, she is very ill." He was just about to turn to the door when it opened.

"We heard you. Come in." Stuart let them in and showed them to the parlour. Kitten was laying on a settee with Nick sitting next to her. He put down the book he had been reading to her as his family walked into the room. Heath’s blue eyes lit up as he recognised the girl he had called sister during the months he spent in Carterson but the light suddenly disappeared when he noticed how very ill she was and his big brother’s pain filled eyes.

"Boy Howdy, who would have thought I would get to met you once again." He quickly walked over to her and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "You know Big Brother, if it wasn’t for this girl I would probably have starved to death." He winked his eye hoping to easy the tension he felt was in the air. Victoria came up to her and exchanged a few words before she accepted a chair. Nick stood up to offer his chair to the priest and went to get another one for himself. He had been informed by Stuart and Mary during Kitten’s rest, what it was she wanted to talk about with Father Michael and somehow he felt a relief that his family was there too so that he didn’t have to tell them. He went over to the hearth and without thinking took the same position he would at home. Heath walked up to him and touched his shoulder.

"Sorry, for taking so long. I had gotten up to the north pasture and then without telling anyone moved over to the east. It took Duke some time to find me."

"It’s alright you are here now."

"I know it’s strange to read the will before the person is dead but I wanted Father Michael to know. I think its good that you are here Mrs Barkley because I’m afraid Nicholas will be needing his family’s support soon. I had hoped this could have been avoided but since he found out that I bought this place we are all here now. Stuart will you please?" Kitten’s poor sight searched for Nick and he left his place and sat down on the settee beside her.

"My name is Stuart Miller and I’m Miss Catherine’s lawyer and close friend. We have known each other for about ten years and I have seen her fortune grow. More than once I have been the front man for her, since this country isn’t too happy with women doing business, not even when they are as smart as this woman. I have also watched her fight the illness once and survive and can say today that she won’t manage that this time. It’s not a secret between the two of us. Nurse Mendis joined us during the first time five years ago and has also been a close companion. Only once have Mary and I had different opinions to Cathy and tried to talk her out of a deal and that has been about this ranch but even so I have followed her instructions." Kitten twisted as a spasm of pain went through her body. She had hoped that the morphine she had taken before would have prevented that. Nick didn’t bother about the others and picked her up. He knew that Stuart would do the talking and all he wanted to do was to ease her pain as much as possible. Stuart looked at Mary and decided to cut the story short and he walked over to the desk and got an envelope. "As it is we think that Cathy only has a few days left to live. A doctor told us last week that her life can be over in a few hours or a month. Mary and I can see that in just the last days she has worsened rapidly. If it had been up to us we would have stayed in San Diego but Cathy wanted to come here." He opened the envelope. Everybody was quiet and the room was filled with tension. Victoria sat thinking of the decision she and Tom had made and how impressed he had been that she hadn’t taken the money, but not enough to call her back when she had left. Heath’s mind travelled back to the war and Father Michael to the new born baby that had been put in his arms nearly thirty years ago. Stuart’s eyes searched for Mary’s once more before he started to read.

"These are my wishes of how my belongings shall be divided. I, Catherine, assure everybody that when this is written my mind is sane. I have chosen lawyer Stuart Miller to be the one to handle my belongings and see to it that everything goes to the right person or foundation.

Note one: I want Mary Mendis to have the cottage in Sierra Nevada. She has always loved that place as much as I have.

Note two: I want Stuart Miller to have the building in San Diego.

Note three: A foundation has been created to help young single mothers to bring up their children. To ease their situation even more three buildings have been bought in San Francisco, San Diego and Sacramento. These buildings have been turned into homes. Contracts have been taken with several schools and professional institutions about education and work. All documents are in the safe.

Note four: Granger Ranch has been bought in Stockton. The buildings on it and 100 acres of land shall go to Father Michael’s Orphanage. It’s important to note that this property does not belong to the church and never shall. Money is put aside to restore the buildings to their former glory.

Note five: The land that belonged to Granger Ranch with the exception in note four shall go to Mr Nicholas Jonathan Barkley but shall not be included with the Barkley Ranch. I leave it up to him to decide what shall be done with the land.

Note six: All the rest of my belongings shall be sold at an auction and together with the rest of my banknotes and money go to the orphanage."

Stuart folded the paper and put it back into the envelope. "The will is dated as of yesterday." He looked over to the couple on the settee and saw Nick’s tears and realised what had just happened.

THE END