(A Christmas sillyfic)
by Mars
Disclaimer: The characters and situations of the TV program
"
Somewhere
on a cloud...
"Of course he's been a good
boy!" she exclaimed, outraged that this strange fat man dressed in all
red, with black boots and belt, even dared to ask. "He's the best boy on
Earth!" she added for good measure. "I don't care that he ain't on your list!"
Leah stomped her foot on the
white cloud she was sitting on, holding the reins of this strange man's carriage.
For hours they had been there, in a stalemate, arguing.
Santa had roamed the whole
world, but couldn't remember such a stubborn person – dead or alive. The old
man sighed. He still had a long journey ahead of him: tomorrow was Christmas,
and he needed to go if he wanted to finish his annual duty.
Oh, did he regret passing by
that very cloud, magically shaped in a cookie shape. Now that he thought about
it, that cookie shape had been a lure to catch him! Santa fumed, glancing over
his list of good children once again. There was no Heath from
"All right, madam,"
Santa cut in. "How old is he, yet?" He sure needed that information:
some toys weren't meant for every kid.
Leah grinned, happy that Santa
seemed to be willing to finally grant her wish. "He'll be 25 in May,"
she announced, pride in her voice.
Santa choked, "Twenty
five??? Did you know, lady, that only children...."
He looked at Leah, and stopped his admonition right there. He knew this was an
argument he would not win. Defeated, he nodded. "All
right. I'll drop by and leave a present for him."
"Not so easy, Mr.
Claus," Leah retorted, now moving to the carriage seat, sitting next to
Santa. "You'll have to make up for a few years..." Saying so, Leah
produced her own list. Santa rolled his eyes. This was going to be a loooooong night.
********
By the morning of the 24th,
all the Barkley family gathered for breakfast. The meal was shared in good
humor. Since ranch work was kept to emergencies only, and that (amazingly
enough) there was none, both Nick and Heath left right after breakfast to go on
a hunting party.
Meanwhile, Santa was still stuck
with Leah, heading for the Barkley ranch. The not-so-jolly man right now, had
changed his plans and had decided to get rid of that task first thing.
"Now,
Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet!
on, Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen! To the top of
the porch, to the top of the wall! Now, dash away, dash away, dash away,
all!" the old man sang to urge his reindeers.
Most of the reindeers snorted,
only Dasher complained, "Look, ol' man. Cut it
already, will ya? I'm not goin' to listen to yer stupid singin' all night
long. You sing that again, and I'm headin' back to
Santa sighed but didn't retort.
All he needed now was a reindeer strike!
"Wow, these animals can
talk?" asked an astonished Leah.
Santa nodded, "Yeah, that they can. That and many things.
Like drinking..."
"Yeah,
ol' man! That's why Rudolph RedNose ain't with us!" On
that, all the reindeers started laughing like hyenas, which was kinda weird.
Santa ignored that last comment:
RedNose's drinking habits weren't the best of topics
if he wanted to keep his team focused on the task at hand.
He soon pointed down to a
clearing, and directed the reindeers to that spot. There was no way he was
going to land on top of the big house, especially in broad daylight (and
knowing that he would be sued for the damage by the family attorney).
As soon as the sleigh landed,
Santa jumped down and started sorting the presents in order to get the right
ones for Heath. Once the selection was ready, he remembered to let loose the
reindeers in order to give them a break.
Turning to Leah, he grabbed the
presents and followed her to the big Barkley house.
**********
As usual, Nick lead the way, while Heath followed in silence. They soon
left the horses to rest, and headed for the clearing where Nick was so sure to
find game around.
Spotting a couple of deers, both the brothers took position. The smile on Nick's
face spoke of his intention to do the shooting. Heath shrugged.
Just as Nick was aiming at the
deer, the brothers heard heavy footsteps behind them, which made the target run
away.
"What d'you
think y'er doin', stupid humans!!???" came the
angered deep voice behind them.
Before even turning to face the
stranger, Nick started grumbling, "Why, you! This is Barkley land..."
Both brothers turned to look at
the stranger... and gasped at the sight.
Before them stood four deers who seemed quite furious.
"Nick... I'm sleepin' and
that's a dream," Heath announced, not convinced a bit.
"I knew I shouldn't have
eaten Audra's cookies..." Nick grumbled.
One of the deers
walked closer to the team leader, sniffing the brothers. "Are they all
that stupid when grown up?" Prancer asked,
snorting at the Barkley brothers.
Donder
laughed, "Just now you understand why we only bring presents to
kids!"
Dasher walked over, a disgusted
look on his face, "That's it. Now we get shot at! I QUIT!" On that,
Dasher threw his harness away, stomping the ground. Soon all reindeers followed
the leader and got rid of their harness.
Meanwhile, white-faced Nick and
Heath had stepped back, and were heading out of the clearing, and back to their
horses.
********
Later at
the Barkley house...
Victoria and Audra where sitting
in the family room, while Jarrod was working on some case (as usual) or on the
ledgers, as if they needed another penny.... Anyway.
BOOM!!!!!
A loud sound echoed in the room,
coming from the (hopefully) unlit fireplace. It was followed by a chain of
expletives.
Both women jumped on their feet,
stepping back from the fireplace.
Jarrod rushed in the room,
alerted by the noise.
Soon Santa rolled in the room,
still emitting some expletives, struggling to get back on his feet.
A ghostly Leah hovered around,
laughing like a maniac.
"Told you.... (lars lars)
to use the door (lars lars)"
Leah laughed, but of course, only Santa could hear her.
Santa's head shot up, and he glared at Leah (whom he was the only one to see).
"Shut up!!!" he ordered her.
"Who...."
she started, clearly wary of the strange old man.
Jarrod stepped forth, extending
his hand. "I am Jarrod Barkley," he announced, as if it would settled
everything like a magical word... "Let me guess... you are a friend of
Heath, right?" Who else could he be?
Audra giggled, "Jarrod! He
cannot be a friend of Heath.... he's not a vixen!"
At that instant, Nick barged in
the house, closely followed (as usual) by Heath. They went directly to the
family room, having decided that a shot of whisky was to get their minds back
on tracks.
They barely glanced at the group
in the room, seemingly not noticing Santa trying to pull a large bag from the
chimney.
Nick poured Heath a double and
did the same for himself. He stared at his young brother, grumbling, "Deers don't talk, there's no Santa in the room." And
that was to BE a fact.
Heath nodded, "Boy howdy,
Nick. We're in a nightmare." On that, they gulped down their whisky.
Meanwhile, Leah couldn't help
herself but to move closer to her son, "Here he is! My
baby!"
Santa, pulling the large bag
behind him, crossed the room, ignoring Victoria, Audra and Jarrod lost in
speculations on his identity. "Baby... baby" Santa grumbled,
"I'm sure half the women around call him baby..."
Now facing Heath, who was trying
his best to ignore him since he knew it was a
nightmare, Santa dropped the heavy bag on his feet. "There you go,
son." On that Santa turned toward the door, ready to leave.
Leah flew right in from of him,
a mad look on her face, "Waitaminit ol' man!" She eyed the bag, then
her gaze returned on Santa. "Don't you forget somethin'?"
Santa groaned, "I'd like to
see YOU try and convince the dog, the pony and the horse to come down the
chimney!!!!"