To Be or Not To Be, Part 5

by Katlynn

Disclaimer: The characters and situations of the TV program "Big Valley" are the creations of Four Star/Republic Pictures and have been used without permission. No copyright infringement is intended by the author. The ideas expressed in this story are copyrighted to the author.

Chapter 24

Although both Heath and Eugene wanted the other to believe that they’d slept just fine the night before, in actual fact neither one of them had found it easy to slip into slumber. And even when they did, it was for only a brief respite from the thoughts that troubled them. If either one noticed the look of too little sleep in the other’s eyes when the morning sun began to peek over the horizon, they were either too polite or still too angry to comment on it.

They managed to eat breakfast, break camp and get underway with no more than a few words passing between them. The morning slipped by in similar silence, a quiet that gave both of them the unwelcome opportunity to continue to mull over the previous night’s confrontation. Heath’s thoughts eventually took him back to his boyhood in Strawberry.

He’d been an inquisitive child. With an adult perspective he could look back and realize that his mother had had the patience of a saint when it came to the question ‘why’. It had probably been his favorite question and most of the time his mother had given him an answer that satisfied. But when she didn’t, he’d simply ask ‘why’ again. And then she’d say, “Because I’m sure that must be a law.” As a young boy, he believed in all of his mother’s laws. And he had a few of his own. One that he believed with all his heart was that if a boy was lucky enough to have a brother, it was a law that his brother was his best friend. AND that he was his brother’s best friend. As a boy – he just knew that must be a law.

But, now – as an adult – he knew the fallacy of that law. Forget about BEST friend; he couldn’t even do a good job of being just a friend. Of course, he didn’t have much practical experience at being a friend. His status as the child of an unwed mother didn’t provide him with many opportunities for friendship as he grew up in the dying mining town. Not that he didn’t have ANY friends. There were a few over the years. But they were usually children who, like him, had no siblings. And they usually came and went very quickly as their families arrived looking for instant riches in the mines and found, instead, that very little remained. They would pack up and leave as suddenly as they arrived and take with them any hope he had of finding that one, lasting friendship that every child desires.

So now – wanting to be both a brother and a friend to Eugene – he was guided by nothing more than an idealistic law that was as made up as all those laws his mother had convinced him existed. Undeniably, he DID have wonderful examples of brotherhood right there on the Barkley Ranch. And they WERE all friends. But even their examples didn’t give him a clue as to how to deal with Eugene. Jarrod and Nick both treated the youngest Barkley brother as a father would – and that’s not a role he wanted to take on. Nor one that Eugene wanted him to assume if he were to go by his vehement proclamation, “I’ve already got two big brothers and I don’t need another one!”

It only left him wondering what Eugene DID want from him – if, indeed, he wanted anything from him at all. That was something only Eugene could tell him – if he was ever planning to talk to him again. He looked back to see how far behind his brother was now riding. At least his distance wasn’t as great as it had been on Thursday. But neither was it close enough to encourage conversation as yesterday’s side-by-side ride had been.

Eugene saw Heath turn and look back at him and, for a moment, thought about digging his heels in to urge Coco closer in case Heath had something to say to him. But he figured if that were the case, Heath would just stop and wait for him to catch up. Since he didn’t seem inclined to do that, Eugene wasn’t inclined to quicken his pace either. He’d spent the morning considering what Heath had said about his father. He accepted that it was probably true. He couldn’t deny that Nick had responded to Heath differently than he did before they left the ranch. He’d called Heath ‘little brother’ and Eugene knew he wouldn’t have if Heath had spent their trip filling him with information that Nick knew to be false. So he believed there was a picture in Strawberry that provided evidence of more than a single night’s encounter. And he didn’t doubt that Nick had in his possession a watch that had once belonged to his father but more recently to Heath. He was beyond wondering if it was true. He’d reasoned it out that morning and knew, from the brief time he’d spent with them together on Thursday, that it must be.

So, given that he now believed what Heath had told him the night before, Eugene had to admit to himself that he was the one who should apologize to Heath for what he’d said. Still, he wasn’t sure how to do that without sounding like he believed Tom Barkley was a failure as a father. He didn’t believe that and he doubted that Nick had come to that conclusion. Heath had even said that it wasn’t a matter of him being a bad father; it was a matter of him NOT being a good father. But he HAD been a good father, Eugene argued with himself. At least to four of his children. It was a dilemma that consumed him for a good portion of the morning. How could he apologize to Heath without saying he’d been right about Tom Barkley’s parental qualities?

“This would be a good place to rest the horses and eat,” he heard Heath say and realized that the blond cowboy HAD stopped to wait for him and had already dismounted.

“Do you think we’ll make the ranch by supper?” Eugene asked as he waited for Heath to relieve him of the mare’s lead line.

“Ya’ gotta problem with my cookin’, Gene?” Heath asked in return and, only when he turned to face him, did Eugene realize from Heath’s smile that he was joking.

“I can honestly say I’ve never tasted anything like it,” the younger man told him as Heath accepted the tether he extended to him.

“Ya’ oughta be thinkin’ about bein’ a politician ‘stead of a doctor,” Heath muttered as he took the mare over to tie her to a tree.

“I think I’ll stay with medicine,” Eugene called over to him. “If you plan to continue cooking when you’re out on the trail, sooner or later someone is gonna need my professional services.”

“If ya’ keep talkin’ about my cookin’ like that, it’s gonna be sooner, Gene – but I don’t know how easy it’ll be treatin’ yourself,” Heath threatened good-naturedly. “But at least for now ya’ got nothin’ to worry about. What we’re havin’ for lunch doesn’t need to be cooked.”

It was the kind of conversation two people had when they wanted to avoid talking about what they knew they SHOULD be talking about. Heath, of course, didn’t know that Eugene was trying to muster the courage to apologize. And Eugene didn’t know that Heath would take any excuse to put the incident behind them so that even a cursory ‘I’m sorry’ would do the trick. The quiet that fell between them became uncomfortable as they both went for the pack on Buster’s back to find something to eat.

“I ‘spect we’ll be sittin’ down in the dining room for supper at the usual time,” Heath finally answered Eugene’s earlier question to break their silence.

“How do you suppose Nick is?” the younger Barkley looked over Buster’s back to ask him.

“No way of knowin’,” Heath shook his head. “The doctor said it would take a few days for the medicine to get the upper hand against the infection.”

“I just hope he didn’t give Jarrod a hard time about getting on that train and going home.”

“Of course he gave him a hard time. He’s Nick! That’s his job,” Heath suggested as he found what he was looking for and pulled the bundle out. “But I don’t doubt that Jarrod handled him just fine ‘cause he’s Jarrod and that’s HIS job.”

Eugene laughed. “You’ve got my brothers pegged right!”

Heath looked up sharply.

“Sorry,” Eugene said quickly. “OUR brothers.”

The blond let out his breath in a resigned sigh. “No need to say it if ya’ don’t believe it, Gene.”

“Maybe I believe it now.”

“I ain’t given ya’ any more reason to believe it since last night.”

Eugene shrugged. “I’m sorry about that. I didn’t really mean what I said.”

“Yeah,” Heath mused as he sat down on a rock, “I ‘spose I coulda been more careful about what I said, too.”

“But … what you said was true … right?” Eugene sat down on a rock facing him.

“Well … as far as the facts go, it’s true. But I shouldn’ta put words in Nick’s mouth,” Heath conceded. “I know how he feels about what he saw and what he heard on our trip – but it ain’t my business to tell you that. Only Nick has that right.”

Their lunch was nothing more than biscuits, jerky, a few apples and some water but they both seemed to take a sudden interest in examining the food. Neither knew what to say, beyond what they’d already said, and an uneasy silence once again settled over them. During the twenty minutes they sat eating their meal, nothing of consequence was said. It wasn’t until they were back on the trail that Eugene decided he HAD to know more about the picture and the watch that appeared to have convinced Nick that Heath was their brother. And he didn’t want to wait for Nick to tell him.

“So … there’s a picture in Strawberry of Father with your mother?” he tried to make it sound like a casual question but it came after at least a mile of riding in which neither one of them made a sound.

“That’s a real conversation starter,” Heath looked over at him and laughed.

“Is that your way of saying you don’t want to tell me about it?”

“No,” Heath shook his head. “Just my way of sayin’ I didn’t expect the question.”

Eugene nodded his understanding. “How come you left it in Strawberry?”

“No reason to take it. It wouldn’t do anythin’ but hurt people who don’t deserve it.”

“Then why’d you show it to Nick?”

“I didn’t. I wasn’t there when he saw it. He was lookin’ at some pictures in my Aunt Rachel’s house and that was one of ‘em.”

“Maybe that’s what he meant!” Eugene said as if to himself.

“Meant about what?” Heath wanted to know.

“The first telegram he sent while you were gone – there was a line in it that we thought must have been part of someone else’s telegram. It said ‘a picture is worth a thousand words’. Maybe he was trying to tell us something.”

“Or convince himself of something,” Heath suggested.

“Maybe,” Eugene agreed. “What about the watch? You said you didn’t know it was Father’s until Nick recognized it?”

“Yeah.”

“How did Nick know it was Father’s? He wasn’t very old when…” his voice trailed off as he tried to decide the most appropriate way to phrase it.

“When your father visited Strawberry?” Heath finished questioningly.

“Yeah.”

“He said it looks like the one your Uncle John has – ‘cept it has a ‘T’ on it instead of a ‘J’. And your father claimed to have lost his.”

“But he actually gave it to your mother?”

“Guess he musta since she’s the one who gave it to me.”

“But are you sure he gave it to her? Maybe he really DID lose it and she found it and kept it,” Eugene suggested.

“I’m gonna pretend ya’ didn’t say that, Gene, ‘cause in my book what you’re suggestin’ is just a step away from sayin’ my Mama stole the watch,” Heath tried to say it calmly. “If she’d found somethin’ that belonged to someone else, she’da returned it. Even if she found it after he left, she’da found a way to return it.”

“She didn’t find a way to tell him about you,” Eugene pointed out.

“One of the great mysteries of my life,” Heath said tensely. “If I’da had the chance, I’d have asked her why just one more time. But she prob’ly wouldn’t have answered me anyway. I asked it enough as a boy. It was the only ‘why’ she never had an answer for. I stopped askin’ when I was old enough to understand what put me on this earth – and realized that my father was never comin’ back.”

“I know how that is,” Eugene nodded.

“What!”

“Losing your father and knowing he’s never coming back.”

“I didn’t lose my father, Gene! I never had him!”

“I mean… ” Eugene stammered, “I know what it’s like to grow up without a father.”

For a moment, Heath could only look at him with his mouth open, astonished at the naiveté of Eugene’s statement. “Gene … ya’ grew up in a fancy house and prob’ly never asked for anythin’ ya’ weren’t given. Ya’ spent years with your father and when he died, ya’ still had two older brothers to guide ya’. If you’re lookin’ for somethin’ we got in common, growin’ up without a father ain’t it.”

“So what DO we have in common?”

Heath just shook his head and said, “I wish I knew, Gene.”

* * * * *

They reached the main house of the Barkley Ranch with a couple hours to spare before supper would be served. Someone in the house had seen them ride up because they’d barely dismounted in front of the stable before Victoria, Audra and Jarrod came out to greet them. Audra threw her arms around Eugene and welcomed him home then turned to Heath with a matching hug.

“I missed you,” she said softly before kissing his cheek.

“Missed you, too,” he favored her with a slight smile.

Victoria had welcomed her youngest son as enthusiastically as Audra had. Her greeting for Heath was a much more restrained one as she stretched up to kiss him and said, “I’m glad you’re home safely.”

He saw that expression in her eyes. The one that looked like it pained her to see him. The one he had no idea how to respond to. So he just said, “Thank you, ma’am.” And then he asked, “How’s Nick?”

“He’s sleeping. The doctor left about a half hour ago. He had to clean up his shoulder; the wound didn’t appear to be healing as it should. He gave him something to help him sleep and said not to be concerned if he doesn’t wake up before lunch tomorrow.”

“I shoulda gotten him to a doctor sooner,” Heath suggested.

“I’m sure you got him to one as quickly as you could,” she rested her hand on his arm. “He’ll be fine.”

“That’s good,” he nodded, suddenly feeling the discomfort that came with four pairs of eyes on him. “I think I’ll get the stallion settled and fed and then check on the rest of the new horses. How much time do I have before supper?”

“Two hours at least,” Victoria told him. “Plenty of time to see to the horses – and then get cleaned up so you’ll be fit to join us at the table.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Victoria just sighed as he untied the stallion’s lead line and took him into the stable. She hated hearing that word – ma’am. She knew it was a habit taught to him by his mother – an expression of respect. But she doubted he’d used it in his home. She was sure that the women who raised him had been addressed by more affectionate names. Not that she expected affection. She just hoped for comfortable at this stage. But it was clear that he didn’t yet feel that in her presence.

A couple of the ranch hands had come out to take care of the other four horses so Eugene disappeared into the house with Jarrod and Audra. Victoria moved to the door of the stable and watched as Heath spoke softly to the new stallion, calming him as he settled him in a stall. Her heart ached as she thought of what she’d read in the Pinkerton report. Tom couldn’t have known about Heath, she tried to convince herself as she’d done countless times since reading the account of his life. Her husband had been strongly against children working in mines and she knew he wouldn’t have allowed one of his own to do just that. Especially at the age of six. And he never would have let him join the army at fourteen, just as he hadn’t let Nick join up when he was sixteen. And had again denied permission when he was seventeen. He made Nick wait until he was eighteen and legally allowed to make his own decision. Although Tom Barkley had been against the choice Nick made, he’d accepted and supported his right to make it. And when the war was over he’d welcomed both Nick and Jarrod home with exuberant hugs, unlike any he’d ever given his adult sons. He would have been shattered to know that another son lay in a makeshift hospital, recovering from physical abuse and injuries he suffered after spending the last seven months of the war in a Confederate prison camp. A son who never should have been allowed to leave home to fight in a war. Oh, Tom couldn’t have known…

Heath turned and saw her standing there lost in thought and unaware that he’d seen her. There it was again, he thought. That look. The expression that he’d do anything to wipe from her face. He hated to think that just the sight of him hurt her so deeply that it was plainly visible in her eyes. She focused on him and saw him studying her as she’d studied him only moments before. The frown turned to a smile and she asked, “All done here?”

“I’m done with the stallion. I wanna look in on the other new horses – make sure they traveled alright.”

“I’ll go in and hurry Eugene along. I’m sure he’s already laid claim to the tub – just as I’m equally sure that you deserve it more than he does,” she chuckled.

“It’ll prob’ly take me about a half hour.”

“Then I’ll see that it’s ready when you are,” she lightly rubbed her hand down his arm. With a smile she repeated what she’d said earlier. “I’m glad you’re home.”

As he watched her return to the house, he couldn’t help but think what a fine lady she was. As much as it hurt her to have him there, constantly reminding her that her husband had strayed from his marriage vows, she could still smile and tell him she was glad he was home. But it was that other look that he carried with him as he went looking for Duke to find out where the new horses were. The look he’d seen when she wasn’t aware that he was watching her. The one that confirmed the ache that she felt. It was no exaggeration to say that he’d do anything to remove that pain from her eyes.

Oh … he breathed a silent sigh of frustration … there was so much to think about. Two weeks before, when he’d left the ranch with Nick, he was so sure that he knew what he was going to do when they got back. He was going to pack up and leave. And only about a week ago, he was convinced that he was going to stay. Now he had absolutely no idea what he was going to do. But he knew he had to make that decision soon – because the longer he delayed doing that, the more he would hurt everyone involved.

* * * * *

He wanted nothing more than to eat a quick supper and go to bed. He was tired – exhausted from very little sleep in the past few days. But, of course, when Victoria Barkley decides she wants a leisurely family supper, no one excuses himself from the table early. He had to listen to Audra chatter about the dance in town that all of her brothers had missed the night before and hear the local gossip about people he didn’t really know yet. He was vaguely aware of talk concerning some sort of fund raising benefit that was being held for the local orphanage. And he heard Eugene telling the ladies of their journey to meet up with Nick and Heath – and Nick’s delirious mutterings about Heath shooting him. Again, he felt those four pairs of eyes on him gauging his reaction to Eugene’s story.

He kept his eyes on his plate but even pretending that he hadn’t heard did nothing to divert their attention to other matters. So he just said in his soft drawl, “And I woulda, too, if he’d said it just one more time.”

Well, THAT had been a mistake. Now that they had him talking, everyone wanted to ask about his trip to Nevada with Nick. He gave polite answers, as short as possible, and kept eating in the hope that they’d get the idea he was hungry. He even punctuated a couple replies with yawns hoping they’d take notice of that as well.

Finally someone did. “I think Heath is trying to tell us that he’s tired,” Victoria said when one of his yawns interrupted an answer to one of her questions. “If you’d like to be excused, I’m sure we’d all understand.”

“I am kinda beat,” he confirmed. “Think I’ll take you up on that. ‘Scuse me,” he pushed back his chair and stood up.

“If you could spare just a couple minutes,” Jarrod also stood up, “I have something I want to talk to you about.”

“Sure,” it sounded like a question.

“Mother,” Jarrod looked to the other end of the table, “excuse me.”

As the two men left the dining room, Jarrod directed Heath towards the study. He let his younger brother enter first and closed the door behind them.

“Drink?” Jarrod went over to pour one for himself.

“No,” Heath shook his head. “What did you want to talk about?”

He had to wait for Jarrod to pour the drink then cross the room to his desk. He watched as the lawyer took a key from his pocket, sat down in the desk chair, and unlocked the center drawer. Heath couldn’t see what he removed from the drawer. It was small enough for Jarrod to carry in the palm of his hand, his fingers curled around it, holding it in place. He left his drink on the desk as he stood up and crossed to where Heath stood next to the fireplace.

“I wanted to talk to you about his,” he extended his hand, palm up, displaying the object for Heath to see. “I believe it’s yours.”

Heath looked down to see a watch. THE watch. Tom Barkley’s watch. He looked up again into Jarrod’s expectant blue eyes and realized he wasn’t sure what to say in response.

Chapter 25

The watch chain slipped through Jarrod’s fingers and swung back and forth like a small pendulum. The lawyer’s eyebrows rose questioningly as he waited for Heath to respond to his statement. Neither said a word for close to a minute as they held each other’s gaze. Finally Heath broke the silence.

“It WAS mine.”

“Nick said you gave it to him.”

“That’s one way of puttin’ it,” the slight smile that tugged at Heath’s mouth said more than the words.

“Okay,” the smile elicited a similar one from Jarrod. “He said you threw it at him in the middle of an argument.”

“That’s more like what happened.”

“I’m wondering…” Jarrod had rehearsed it so many times in his mind that he had to remind himself to make it sound like a casual inquiry, “…what you plan to do with it.”

“I already did what I plan to do with it. I gave it to Nick. I don’t want it.”

“That’s not exactly what I meant. As it applies to evidence of Father’s relationship with your mother … what do you plan to do with it?”

“Nothing…” Heath frowned. “What do ya’ think I plan to do with it?”

Jarrod considered his words carefully before he spoke. The last thing he wanted was to make anything sound like an accusation. After a pause that Heath found uncomfortably long, Jarrod responded, “My concern is that you and Nick both seem to believe that the watch proves Father knew about you. Since there’s no way to confirm that…”

“Jarrod, I know it doesn’t prove anythin’,” Heath interrupted him. “But I just … can’t think of any other reason he’da given it to Mama. Ya’ know, I ain’t really had a lotta time to think about it. I always thought it was from Mama’s family ‘til Nick told me otherwise.” He studied his older brother for a moment before realizing that maybe Jarrod was implying more than he was saying. And he thought he knew what Jarrod was really worried about. So he added quickly, “I ain’t plannin’ to tell your mother about it if that’s what you’re gettin’ at. “

“I’ll admit that IS my main concern,” Jarrod conceded. “There’s nothing we know that conclusively proves that Father knew about you. And, until there is, I don’t want to see Mother hurt by us debating that.”

“I don’t plan to get into any debates with ya’. In my experience, the lawyers always win the debates,” Heath said drily. “B’sides, I’d never do anythin’ that I knew would hurt your mother. She’s a fine lady … and even if I had absolute proof that he knew about me … I don’t know if I’d tell her.”

“If there was absolute proof,” Jarrod told him, “I’D want to know.”

“I don’t think any of us’ll ever see absolute proof,” Heath shook his head.

“If it’s there, this watch could be the key,” Jarrod held it out to him. “It was given to you and I think you should keep it. Regardless of what Father knew, your mother wanted you to have this.”

Heath took in a deep breath that he let out with a sigh. Yeah, Mama wanted him to have it – but Mama hadn’t told him the whole story. If she had … well, he wasn’t sure he would have taken it. It was just one more thing to add to the list of things he had to think about. He reached out to take it but stopped with his hand poised over Jarrod’s.

“I guess…” he said, looking up at his brother, “ya’ don’t have any reason to doubt it was your father’s.”

“No,” Jarrod shook his head. He draped a few links of the chain over his finger. “You see that extra little link that’s hooked on there.”

“Yeah, I always wondered about that. Even asked Mama what used to be attached to it. She said there was nothin’ there when it was given to her.”

“It was Father’s lucky charm. A small round medal. I’m not sure what sort of medal it was but I imagine Mother probably has it in her jewelry box. I pulled it off when I was seven years old,” Jarrod sounded like it was a confession. “I didn’t mean to, of course, but it broke the hole on the medal and Father couldn’t put it back on. He said the extra link would be his good luck charm from then on. I don’t have any doubt that it was Father’s,” he stated. After a brief pause he said, “According to Nick, that lucky charm was working for you a few years back.”

Heath took the watch out of Jarrod’s hand. “Yeah, I s’pose it coulda been. Or it coulda been that I just happened to put the watch in my shirt pocket insteada my pants pocket after checkin’ the time.” He turned it over and studied the letter engraved on it. He had to wonder if his mother ever imagined that he’d someday find out the truth about that ‘T’. And he had to wonder why she wanted him to have his father’s watch even though she couldn’t bring herself to tell him the truth about it. He did it reluctantly but finally put the watch in his pocket. “Is that all ya’ wanted to talk about?” he looked up at Jarrod.

“I do have one other thing and it should start with an apology,” Jarrod went back to his desk and picked up a piece of paper. “This telegram came for you. I didn’t look at the name on it. I assumed it was for us from Nick and I read it before I realized it wasn’t. I’m sorry.”

“I ain’t got nothin’ to hide,” Heath told him, taking the telegram from him and reading it to be sure it was the one Eugene had mentioned. “I said I was gonna talk to George about a job and I did. Made me a pretty good offer but I didn’t give him an answer. Wanted to think on it.”

“And are you thinking about going back to Carson City to take that job?”

“I was,” he confirmed as he had to Eugene.

And, just as Eugene had, Jarrod responded before Heath could elaborate. “You know, Heath, you don’t have to take a job working for someone else,” Jarrod told him. “I can understand that you want to leave but you don’t have to do it that way. You’ve got enough money to buy your own place. I know that’s what you’ve always wanted.”

“Yeah…” Heath nodded. “I have always wanted that.”

He wasn’t sure what Jarrod was trying to say to him. At first he thought he was telling him that there was no reason to leave the Barkley Ranch. And then it sounded like he was saying that there was a pretty good reason to leave. His own ranch. No – don’t leave and work for someone else. Leave and buy your own ranch.

“All I ever wanted to do was save enough money to buy a ranch,” he confirmed to his brother. “But I ain’t even close to havin’ the money for that.”

Jarrod studied his blond brother for a long moment before saying, “You do understand that you have money in the bank from your part of the Barkley holdings, don’t you?”

“Jarrod, I ain’t been part of this family ‘cept for about six weeks,” Heath sort of laughed.

“You’ve always been a part of this family. We just didn’t know it. Our ignorance is no reason to deny you something that should have been yours all your life. If you want to buy your own ranch – you DO have enough money to do that.”

He STILL wasn’t sure what Jarrod was trying to tell him. Was he telling him that he wanted him to leave? Or was he just trying to be sure that Heath considered all of the possibilities before he made a decision? It would be so much easier if Jarrod were more like Nick. Nick rarely left someone in doubt about his opinion. He’d state it to strangers on the street if no one else would listen to him. But Jarrod – one minute he’s got his arm around you and he’s your brother and the next he’s shut the study door and he’s a lawyer. Well, there was only one way to be sure of just exactly what Jarrod was saying. So he asked, “What do YOU think I should do?”

“I can’t tell you that. You might have a very good reason for wanting to work for George,” he suggested. “But you’re the only one who can decide if it’s a better reason than fulfilling that dream to buy your own place.”

Well, at least that told Heath what he DIDN’T want him to do. In Jarrod’s mind, he figured, there were two choices. Working for George. And buying his own place. Staying in Stockton didn’t seem to be one of the options that Jarrod wanted him to consider. He couldn’t really blame him. As the oldest son, he was probably the one who most acutely felt the responsibility to take care of his mother. And Heath had no doubt that Jarrod saw his presence as hurting his mother. Why shouldn’t he? HEATH saw his presence as hurting Jarrod’s mother. Still – he would have liked to hear that Jarrod felt staying in Stockton was one of the considerations. But at least he now knew that finding a job somewhere else wasn’t the only possibility in his future. Before talking to Jarrod, it had never even occurred to him that he could finally buy a ranch of his own.

“It’s a lot to think about, Jarrod. Things are kinda confusin’ around here right now. It’s hard to think what the right thing is to do. One day I think one thing – and a day later I’m thinkin’ somethin’ else. Maybe I just need to step away and give myself the time to look at all of it. I prob’ly should do that without too much waitin’ around.” He glanced over at Jarrod. “If ya’ don’t mind, I am kinda tired. Thought I’d go look in on Nick – see how he’s doin’ – and then get some sleep.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I didn’t intend to keep you this long.”

As Heath left the study, Jarrod went back to his desk, sat down, and picked up the drink he’d poured earlier. Well, he thought, that didn’t go too badly. Heath took the watch. Didn’t seem as angry about it as Nick said he’d initially been. He felt good about making sure Heath knew that he had another option. When he’d thought about it on the train ride from Latrobe, he’d considered telling Heath that he thought taking the job with George was the right thing to do. He was glad that he hadn’t resorted to that line. He’d told him what his options were and he’d even gone so far as to refuse to answer when Heath asked what he thought he should do. It was always tempting, as a lawyer, to advise a client of what they should do. But his ultimate responsibility was making sure the client knew what the options were and letting them make the decision. And once the decision was made, it was the lawyer’s responsibility to support that. And argue it in court if he had to. Or, in this case, support it and argue it with the family if Heath decided to leave.

What seemed to escape Jarrod as he sat in the chair congratulating himself on his impartiality was that Heath hadn’t asked for the advice of a lawyer. Heath had asked for the advice of his brother. And that wasn’t exactly what he’d gotten.

* * * * *

Heath could hear Audra and Eugene in the parlor as he left the study and headed for the stairway. They were laughing over whatever game they were playing and he found himself envying the easy banter of a brother and sister who’d grown up together. He figured it was doubtful he’d ever know any of them as well as they knew each other. Of course, if he didn’t stay in Stockton it was a certainty that he’d never know any of them any better than he did right now. His feet felt heavy as he trudged up the stairs and he laughed to himself at the thought that it was the added weight of all those extra thoughts rolling around in his mind that made them feel so overburdened.

The door to Nick’s room was open and he stopped, leaning against its framework, as he watched Mrs. Barkley sitting with her son. Something made her turn to look at him and she greeted him with a smile.

“Just wanted to see how he was doin’ before I turned in,” Heath stayed in the doorway.

“His temperature is down. I’m sure the doctor is right that he’ll probably sleep through the night,” she told him. “And how are you doing?”

“Okay,” he said simply and then stood there awkwardly, not knowing if he should enter the room or leave. Finally he pushed himself away from the doorframe and said, “Guess I’ll get some sleep. G’night, ma’am.”

“Good night, Heath.”

She watched him leave, shaking her head at how uncomfortable he was in her company. She found herself wondering if that would ever change. Nothing she said or did seemed to put him at ease. There were times when she wanted to throw her arms around him. Other times when his quiet nature made her want to reach out and drag him into the family fold. But he withdrew from even her gentle touch on his shoulder – so throwing her arms around him would have to wait, she chuckled to herself. At least Audra could get away with it. That gave her hope that, one day, he’d be just as relaxed with the rest of the family. Maybe time was all they needed. Maybe he’d give them that time. It was something she prayed for repeatedly.

* * * * *

Unable to sleep, he sat in the chair next to the open window in his bedroom and looked out at the night sky. No matter where he was or what was happening around him, he couldn’t look up at those twinkling stars without thinking of Mama. When he was a boy, she’d take him outside after dark, point to the sky, and ask him how many stars he could see. He’d try to count them but then give up and tell her there were just too many to count. And then she’d tell him that her fondest wish was that someday he’d have that many choices in his life. He’d marveled at the thought that there could be that many things to do outside the little town of Strawberry. But now he knew that what she really meant was that she hoped he’d find whatever it was that he wanted out of life. He HAD always wanted a ranch of his own. It had just never occurred to him that it could happen so suddenly. He hadn’t really figured to ever save the money – and now, according to Jarrod, it was there for the taking. He could have it tomorrow if he wanted it.

That realization was almost overwhelming. He tried to think of one good reason NOT to take the money that Jarrod said was his and find a ranch to buy. Jarrod had pretty much made it clear without saying it right out that he thought that was a good choice. Eugene certainly wouldn’t mind if he left tomorrow. They’d already determine that he didn’t need another big brother and they had nothing in common on which to build a relationship. Audra might regret seeing him leave, he considered. But, on the plus side, she’d probably be the first to want to visit when he DID find his own place.

Mrs. Barkley – now she was hard to figure. She certainly was gracious in her attempts to make him feel welcome. She always knew just the right thing to say. Mama had been like that, he reflected. But, also like Mama, Mrs. Barkley had expressive eyes. The kind that no matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t hide what they said. He didn’t doubt that she’d be happy to see him realize his dream – she was that kind of person. And she’d probably be happy that that dream took him somewhere other than the Barkley Ranch – although he knew she’d never say that out loud. Only with her eyes.

And then there was Nick. Who would have thought just two weeks ago that Nick would be the one to ask him to stay? He had to admit he was kind of floating after that. Of course, he was under the illusion that the rest of the family would welcome Nick’s change of attitude towards him. By no stretch of the imagination would he have guessed that by the time they got back to the ranch Jarrod would be pushing him to buy his own ranch and Eugene would finally be telling Heath how he really felt about him being part of the Barkley family. Life sure could kick you in the teeth when you least expected it.

A sustained yawn made him decide that maybe he was finally ready to sleep. Maybe his body was ready to overrule his brain and banish all those thoughts that were keeping him awake. Of course, thinking did kind of come naturally, he reminded himself when he’d stretched out in bed and his brain refused to shut down and let him get some rest. To push the persistent thoughts of family from his mind, he forced himself to think about the horses they’d bought on their trip. He wanted to get a closer look at them in the morning; make sure they’d traveled alright. He hadn’t really had that much time when he and Duke looked them over before supper. Oh, the Barkley line was really going to be something in a few years with the addition of this new blood…

He must have fallen asleep because he was suddenly sitting up in bed, his heart pounding. A noise – something – had awakened him. It took him a moment to realize that he was in his bedroom and not out on the trail and whatever the noise was, it was of no danger to him. He didn’t know how long he’d been asleep nor how close to dawn it was but he had the feeling that he’d gotten a few hours of sleep. He listened for the noise that had awakened him and identified it as voices – male voices, he thought. Low and kind of muted. They were close enough that he assumed they were coming from Nick’s room. Sufficiently awake that he knew he wasn’t going to get back to sleep, he decided to see if Nick had awakened.

He pulled on the pants he’d thrown over the chair and, as an afterthought, reached for his shirt thinking if Mrs. Barkley was in the room he didn’t want to walk in half dressed. He was more easily able to identify the voices as Jarrod and Nick when he opened his bedroom door and stepped out into the hallway. Not wanting to wake anyone who might be fortunate enough to be sleeping, he made his way quietly towards the door that was open only a few inches. His hand was almost on the doorknob when he stopped, wondering if they were really talking about what he thought they were talking about.

“…this Pinkerton report you got on Heath,” he heard Nick saying.

“Nick, I told you I’d show it to you,” Jarrod responded, “but you’re not going to be awake more than five minutes. I’d barely have time to get the file from the safe before you’d be asleep again. It’ll still be there when your consciousness level is a bit higher. Now drink this water, go back to sleep, and let me do the same. I was having a most pleasant dream until you woke me up.”

“Well, I didn’t ask you to sit here in my room all night like you were babysitting me,” Nick argued in a barely awake voice that was muffled by the glass Jarrod was probably holding to his mouth.

Heath lowered his hand and backed away from the door, stopping after a few steps and wondering if he should retreat – or barge in and ask why Jarrod was having Pinkerton investigate him. It was confusion more than anything that sent him back to his room and kept him from confronting his brothers. HIS BROTHERS, he thought angrily. One of them had him investigated and the other wanted to hear all about it. NICK wanted to hear all about it. Nick, who called him ‘little brother’ and told him he wanted him to stay in Stockton. Nick, who told him that he wanted him to help run the ranch. That was a good one! He probably wanted him to stay so Jarrod would have time to get his report and Nick could confront him with what he imagined would be in it.

Oh … and Jarrod. Heath distinctly remembered saying “I ain’t got nothin’ to hide” when Jarrod handed him the telegram and apologized for reading it – by accident. Of course it was an accident! When pigs could fly it was an accident, he fumed. He wondered how Jarrod had managed to keep a straight face. “I ain’t got nothin’ to hide.” But Jarrod sure as hell did! A Pinkerton report sitting in the safe waiting to be shared with Nick! How could he have been so stupid! Of course Jarrod didn’t consider staying on the Barkley Ranch to be one of his choices. He knew all about his life and now he wanted him off the ranch. He couldn’t help but wonder if there really was any money to buy his own ranch. And right now he didn’t particularly care.

He went to the closet and pulled out his saddlebag and furiously began stuffing clothes into it until its sides bulged. He took the picture of his mother from the small table next to the bed and slipped it in between a couple shirts before pulling the watch from his pocket and leaving it where the picture had been. Sitting down at the desk that he rarely used, he wrote two short notes that he folded over and slipped into separate envelopes. A name was written on the back of each envelope before he took them over and left them on top of his dresser. He finished dressing, his jacket the last thing he pulled on. He strapped on his gunbelt and slung the saddlebag over his left shoulder before picking up his hat and taking a final look around the room. Except for maybe an extra pair of pants and a couple extra shirts he was leaving with only what he’d brought into the house. The room looked just about as it had when he’d arrived six weeks before.

He didn’t want to see his brothers on the way out so he paused for a moment before opening the door. The voices he’d heard only fifteen minutes before were silent and he exited the room, closing the door behind him. He took the back stairs to the kitchen and left the house through the back door, crossing the yard to the stable where his Modoc waited. He considered checking on the new horses as he’d originally intended – but he didn’t want to drag it out. He just wanted to leave. He wanted to put as much distance as he could between himself and the Barkleys. And he wanted to do it as quickly as he could.

He saddled his horse, mounted up, and rode out. He didn’t bother to look back. And he didn’t know if he’d ever return.

Chapter 26

As usual on Sunday, the Barkley household got a later start than it did during the rest of the week. Breakfast, normally served at seven o’clock, was an hour later on Sunday. Victoria, Audra and Eugene were already dressed in the clothes they’d wear to church when Jarrod joined them, looking like he’d gotten very little sleep. He hadn’t bothered to put on a suit; it had already been decided the night before that he’d be the one to stay home with Nick while the others attended church.

“Has anyone seen Heath this morning?” Victoria asked her children. “I don’t like him skipping breakfast, especially after two weeks of eating trail food.”

“He wasn’t in his room at about six when I looked in,” Jarrod said. “I thought I’d tell him how Nick was doing if he was awake but he was already gone.”

“I wish your brothers would at least rest on Sunday,” Victoria sighed.

“Well, you know what Nick always says. This…”

“Yes, I know,” she interrupted to repeat his oft spoken maxim. “This is a working ranch! Breakfast with the family would hardly interfere with their ability to do their work.”

“He’s probably out in the stables,” Jarrod suggested. “Do you want me to go get him?”

“No,” she shook her head. “I’m sure he’d join us if he wanted to leave whatever he’s doing. We might as well start without him.”

Throughout their meal, she held the hope that he’d join them before they were done. But, of course, he never came in.

As they left in the carriage on their way to church, she glanced towards the stables, hoping to catch a glimpse of him. His demeanor the night before concerned her – he’d seemed so preoccupied. She wanted the chance to sit down and talk to him and was determined to make that happen at the earliest opportunity. She’d left that far too long…

* * * * *

The Barkleys’ morning conversation was echoed when they gathered for their noon meal.

“Have any of you seen Heath today?” Victoria asked when Jarrod, Eugene and Audra had joined her at the dining room table.

“I checked the stables shortly before you returned from church. His horse is gone,” Jarrod told her. “Don’t worry, Mother. I think he just needed some time alone. He told me last night he had a lot of thinking to do.”

“Thinking about what?” Audra wanted to know.

“What he’s going to do,” Jarrod sort of shrugged. “He’s never promised to stay, you know.”

“But why wouldn’t he stay?”

“Because there are other options available to him. He has a job offer from George Russell in Carson City. And he could decide to buy his own place. He hasn’t exactly made a secret of the fact that that’s been a dream of his,” Jarrod reminded her.

“I don’t care! He’s my brother. He’s a Barkley. He belongs on the Barkley Ranch,” Audra stated firmly. “And if no one else will do it, when he gets home I’m going to sit him down and tell him that he can’t leave.”

“I was thinking just this morning,” Victoria agreed with her daughter, “that that’s a conversation that’s long overdue.”

“I hate to be the one to point this out,” Eugene said, “but he IS an adult who has every right to make his own decision about where he spends the rest of his life. No one can force him to stay if he doesn’t want to.”

“I’m not talking about forcing him to stay,” Audra said indignantly. “I’m talking about letting him know that I want him to stay. It wouldn’t hurt if you’d do the same!”

Eugene took a sudden interest in his food.

“You DO want him to stay, don’t you? When he first got here, you voted to let him stay!”

“I’m not … sure … if he’d care what I want him to do,” Eugene said hesitantly. “We had a small disagreement on our way back here.”

“How small?” Victoria demanded, her steely gaze fixed on her youngest son.

“Well … I took a swing at him,” he admitted. “And I might have told him I didn’t need another older brother.”

“You MIGHT have?”

“I didn’t mean it the way it came out!” he sounded desperate for them to believe him.

“And how, exactly, DID you mean it?” his mother questioned.

“I meant that I didn’t need a Jarrod or a Nick older brother. I meant that I didn’t need someone else treating me like they were my father. But it came out all wrong. It’s not always easy to say everything exactly right when you’re arguing,” he defended his words.

“What was the argument about?” Victoria persisted.

“Nothing I want to tell you about right now, Mother,” Eugene declined to answer. “If it’s alright with you, I’d rather talk to Jarrod about it after lunch.”

“You may talk to whomever you want to talk to about it – as long as you plan to make it right with Heath.”

“I will,” he agreed, sounding like a child who’d been scolded.

“See that you do,” her determined look lingered on him for only a moment but it was long enough for him to decide that his talk with Jarrod would be the first thing he did when they finished lunch.

Jarrod, however, had other plans when their meal was over. Eugene followed him into the study and asked if they could talk but Jarrod put him off, saying, “Sorry, little brother. I promised Nick that we’d talk right after lunch and since I don’t expect him to last more than an hour or two, that conversation has priority. But don’t worry – I heard Mother’s instruction. I won’t let you suffer her wrath,” Jarrod laughed as he patted him on the shoulder. “We’ll talk before supper.”

As Eugene left the study, Jarrod opened the safe and took out the Pinkerton report that he’d promised to discuss with Nick. He still wasn’t convinced that Nick was prepared to hear what was in the report. Jarrod certainly hadn’t been prepared to read about his brother’s life. He found it incomprehensible that someone could have lived the kind of life Heath had and still managed to grow into a man of honesty and integrity whose work ethic was stronger than any he’d ever encountered. Heath’s mother, he knew, must have been an amazing woman to have raised such a son on her own.

As Jarrod carried the report up the stairs to Nick’s bedroom, there was still that nagging voice telling him that they never should have read it when it was delivered. Granted, it had been commissioned at a time when they’d accepted Heath into the family but had some doubts about his story. By the time the report was received, however, only Nick – as far as Jarrod knew at the time – still had any doubts about Heath’s right to claim the Barkley name as his own. And even those doubts had been erased, according to their conversation on the train. So there was some misgiving on Jarrod’s part about sharing the information contained in the report. But changing his mind at this point wasn’t a route he chose to explore.

Nick’s lunch tray had been removed and he appeared to be watching for Jarrod when his older brother entered the room. “Close the door,” he ordered. “I’m so tired of laying in this bed! What Mother doesn’t know,” he swung his legs off the bed and stood up, “can’t hurt me.” He crossed the room and sat down in one of the two armchairs by the window. “Pull up a chair, brother Jarrod. Let’s talk.”

Jarrod sat down with the report on his lap. “Are you sure you want to…”

“YES! I’m sure! Quit trying to second-guess what I want. If you hadn’t read it – if you hadn’t shown it to Mother – I’d tell you to burn it. I understand why you asked Pinkerton to investigate Heath – but I still think you had no right reading the report when you got it since you knew it was no longer needed. But now that you HAVE read it – I’m not gonna let the lawyer in the family be the keeper of whatever information is in that report. If there’s anything in there that Heath needs to be protected from, you’re not the one who’s going to be with him every day. I am,” Nick stated. “So start at the beginning, big brother.”

“Okay, from the beginning,” Jarrod agreed, looking down. “Heath Morgan Thomson was born on May 26, 1849 in Strawberry, California. His birth certificate lists Leah Thomson as his mother and it lists no father.”

“Wait a minute!” Nick stopped him as he got up and went to his desk. “What is his birth date?” he asked, shuffling through some items on the desk.

“May 26, 1849. Why?”

Nick found what he was looking for and studied it for only an instant. “Jarrod!” he looked over at him. “You of all people should have caught that!”

“What! What’s wrong? It fits with what Mother remembers. Father was in Strawberry…”

“It’s tomorrow, Jarrod! Heath’s birthday is tomorrow!” Nick flicked his finger at Jarrod’s head as he returned to his seat. “Did anyone plan a party? Or buy him a gift?”

“I … don’t … think so,” Jarrod sounded embarrassed that he hadn’t noticed the date. “I’ll ask Mother about it when we’re done with our talk.”

“And make it a good one! We have a lot of missed birthday parties to make up for,” Nick reminded him needlessly.

“We’ll make it a good one,” the lawyer agreed with a laugh. Nick leading the charge for a birthday party was something that would have been unthinkable just two weeks before and he found it hard to believe there’d been such a turnaround in such a short time. He took a moment to wipe the laugh out of his voice, knowing it wasn’t a fitting tone for the rest of their conversation. “Shall we continue with this?” he indicated the report.

“Please do,” Nick said as more of a command than an invitation.

“Okay,” Jarrod’s eyes returned to the report. “The earliest information after the birth certificate is that he began working in the Strawberry mine at the age of six.”

“I know all that, Jarrod. He was setting dynamite charges in the mine when he was six. By the time he was eight, he was also working in the local livery stable and at his uncle’s hotel. He later went to work for a local rancher and was delivering horses across the mountains on his own by the time he was twelve. I know all of that. Tell me something I don’t know,” Nick requested.

“Well … his formal education ended about the time he took that second job. There’s no record that he attended the Strawberry school after the age of eight,” his older brother reported.

“Yeah, well, I guess it would be kinda hard to attend school and WORK THREE JOBS at the same time,” Nick’s anger was obvious. “Jarrod, he’s one of the smartest men I know. How do you NOT go to school and know the things he knows?”

“Apparently the woman he refers to as Aunt Rachel – Rachel Caulfield, who isn’t actually related to him – was a teacher before she got married. She appears to be responsible for any education he received after leaving school.”

“I’d guess just as much of it came from his mother as it did from Rachel,” Nick ventured.

“Probably,” Jarrod nodded absently. His eyes looked up from the report as though warning Nick that he wasn’t going to like what he heard next. “This is unconfirmed – but it appears that his uncle, Matt Simmons – his mother’s half-brother – was probably physically abusive towards both Heath and his mother. The Pinkerton agent spoke to someone named Flynn who knew Heath when he was a boy.”

“I met him,” Nick nodded. “Mr. Flynn owns the livery Heath worked in.”

“Flynn reported that Heath often had bruises and abrasions that he always claimed came from falling down. He also reported that he witnessed a number of occasions when Heath attempted to protect his mother from his uncle. It seemed to be a well-known fact in Strawberry that Simmons had a temper and took it out on Leah and Heath.”

“Oh, and I’m sure the good citizens…”

The door to his bedroom swung open so suddenly that it crashed back against the wall before either of them even realized it was opening. Eugene stood in the doorway, staring open-mouthed at his brothers.

“Gene, what are you doing?” Nick demanded. “This is a private talk, boy!”

“I … told him I knew what it was like,” Eugene sort of stammered.

“What?” Jarrod and Nick chorused.

“Heath,” their younger brother said. “He was right,” he shook his head. “I don’t know the first thing about it.”

“Can I take it you’ve been out there listening to our conversation?” Jarrod asked him.

“Part of it,” Eugene nodded. Then he amended the statement. “Most of it. Out on the trail – after we got into an argument – I …”

“What argument?” Nick interrupted to ask.

“Later, Nick,” Jarrod brushed aside his question. “Go on, Gene.”

“I was trying to find a way to make up for what I’d said about not needing another big brother and…”

“About what?” again Nick interrupted.

“Later, Nick!” Jarrod repeated. “Gene?”

“Well … I said that I knew what it was like to lose your father. To grow up without him,” he almost groaned at what he now saw as the absurdity of that statement. “But compared to his childhood…”

As Eugene’s voice trailed off, Jarrod suggested, “Close the door and come sit down, Gene. You’ve got a few more things to learn about your brother.”

Eugene closed the door far more gently than he’d opened it. He crossed the room and sat down on the floor between his brothers, resting his back against the wall below the window. His eyes were fixed on a point somewhere on the other side of the room, refusing to look at either Jarrod or Nick as the lawyer continued telling them what the report related about Heath’s childhood. About the various jobs he’d had. How he’d left home at the age of fourteen to join the Union Army. He knew, from their earlier conversation, that Nick knew most of it. But Eugene looked up at him sharply when he told them about Heath joining the army to fight in the war.

Eugene had vague recollections of his brothers joining the army and leaving. And of knowing they were going to be in some danger. But he hadn’t really understood what the war was about or what his brothers were doing on the other side of the country. As a young adult, he understood it better than he had as it occurred. His most acute memories of the war were the joyous homecomings of his brothers about two months apart. It wasn’t until a few years later that Stockton hired a teacher who thought the war should be part of the history her students learned. Only then did Eugene know what his brothers might have experienced.

With those history lessons occupying his thoughts, he barely heard Jarrod ask Nick, “Do you know what Carterson was?”

“Yeah,” Nick spit out the word. “A prisoner of war camp. A real hellhole from what I’ve read.”

“It was a Confederate camp,” Jarrod agreed, “that reportedly held upwards of 3,000 Union soldiers. When it was liberated after the war, there were only about 300 alive.”

“And…” Nick asked, already fearing that he knew what Jarrod was going to say.

“Heath of one of them,” Jarrod said as gently as he could. “He spent the last seven months of the war in Carterson.”

“HE WAS FIFTEEN YEARS OLD!” Nick exploded.

Jarrod nodded. “He spent his sixteenth birthday in a Union Army hospital. He was there about five or six months being treated for multiple injuries received while he was in Carterson. There’s a brief medical report that you can read if you want but I wouldn’t recommend it.”

“Oh, god…” Nick closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the chair. “I was joking about it, Jarrod,” he said softly.

“Joking about what?”

“About being in prison,” Nick looked over at him, his eyes glassy. “We were riding past the state prison outside Carson City and I was kiddin’ around and asked Heath if he’d ever been in one. He just said ‘not one like that’. And I started laughing.” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I thought he meant a town jail for disturbing the peace or something. When I asked him what he’d done to get thrown in, all he’d say was ‘I was in the wrong place at the wrong time’ and that it wasn’t worth talking about. And I STILL didn’t let it go! I asked him if it had something to do with a lady. God! Jarrod, I was joking about him being a prisoner of war!” his voice broke.

“No, Nick, you were joking like brothers do about busting up a saloon over a lady,” Jarrod tried to persuade him.

“God…” he again closed his eyes and rested his head back against the chair but this time he began massaging his temples. “I think I’m gonna get sick,” he only whispered. “I don’t want to hear anymore. You can leave. Both of you.”

Eugene got up without a word and headed for the door. Jarrod didn’t move and Nick could sense that.

“Jarrod – just leave. Go talk to Mother about…” his voice trailed off.

“Yeah,” Jarrod stood up and rested his hand on his brother’s shoulder for a moment. “I’ll talk to Mother.”

“Tell her to make the cake chocolate. Heath loves chocolate,” Nick related. “He told me he was glad he never tasted it as a boy because they couldn’t afford to buy it anyway.”

“What cake?” Nick heard Eugene ask quietly as Jarrod joined him in leaving the room.

“We’ll talk about it, Gene,” Jarrod assured him as the door closed, leaving Nick alone once again.

The dark haired cowboy didn’t move from the chair for a long time. He DID feel sick and knew if he even tried to stand up he’d GET sick. He had an overpowering urge to go outside and find Heath and wrap his arms around him as if doing that now would change what had happened eight years before. He wondered if his father had known about the prison camp. Oh, he couldn’t have, Nick tried to convince himself. It was bad enough that he let him grow up without a father to guide him. But if he’d known about Heath joining the army – and about Carterson – and about the hospital afterwards…

That’s when he thought about the conversation he’d had with Heath as they camped near the shore of Walker Lake. Nick had confessed that he’d had a hard time settling in after the war. He’d added that Heath probably knew how that was. What was it Heath had said? ‘I didn’t exactly go home and pick up where I left off.’ And Nick had said that’s what he’d wanted to do – because he thought Heath meant he’d come home just as Nick had but instead of working the family ranch he’d begun his wandering ways.

Someday … oh, someday he hoped he’d know his brother well enough that he wouldn’t have to stop to wonder if what he was about to say would remind his brother of a painful past. Someday…

* * * * *

Jarrod handed his mother a glass of sherry and sat down in a chair facing her as she took a small sip of it. As Eugene joined them in the parlor for a pre-supper drink she was saying to her eldest, “I’m almost ashamed to say that I looked at that birth certificate and the report and never noticed the specific date. I suppose that’s because by the time I saw it, I didn’t need to see it to know he’s your father’s son. I’m so glad someone took note. Can you imagine what Heath would think if he went through the entire day tomorrow without a single person wishing him a happy birthday?”

“If you want to surprise him, Mother,” Eugene laughed as he was pouring a drink for himself, “I wouldn’t talk about it at the supper table tonight.”

“Well, I vote that we not waste any more money sending Eugene to college,” Jarrod joked. “He certainly seems smart enough to me. Thanks for the advice, little brother,” he added as he took the drink Eugene had poured for himself.

“It’s only good advice if Heath shows up for supper,” Victoria didn’t seem to be in a joking mood. “I must admit that I AM concerned that he hasn’t come in to get ready for supper yet. To my knowledge, he hasn’t eaten all day. I think, perhaps, we should…”

“MOTHER! JARROD!” Audra’s scream was heard from upstairs as clearly as if she were just outside the parlor. “MOTHER! HE’S GONE!”

Jarrod was the first one out of the room. Eugene was on his heels. And Victoria followed at a hurried but more dignified pace as all three ascended the staircase to the second floor. Audra was standing just outside Heath’s room, pointing at the open door.

“He’s gone!” she said as Jarrod reached her.

“Heath?” he asked her. “Where?”

“I don’t know! But he’s gone! Look for yourself,” she was still pointing.

Jarrod pushed past her into the room. Audra followed with Eugene just behind her. Victoria entered the room and stopped a few feet inside the door. She could feel her heart beating furiously and knew, instinctively, that Audra’s conclusion was correct.

“His saddlebag is gone,” Audra said tearfully. “His mother’s picture is gone. Except for a few items of clothing, the only personal item left in this room is his watch!” She picked up the pocket watch and held it out to show them.

“Is that the watch that belonged to Father?” Eugene looked to Jarrod for an answer. “I thought Nick had it.”

Jarrod didn’t answer immediately. He looked at his mother in the vain hope that she didn’t realize what Eugene meant. But it was all too clear from the expression on her face that she immediately understood the implication of what he’d said.

“Heath had a watch – that belonged to your father?” she asked as she crossed the room to take the watch from Audra. She looked at each side of it before turning to Jarrod. “This is the watch he lost – he – said he lost,” she uncharacteristically stammered.

“I’m sorry, Mother. I didn’t want you to find out this way. Heath said he didn’t plan to…”

“To what?” she demanded. “To show it to me? Is this why he left? Is he gone because you didn’t want him to show me this watch?”

“No!” Jarrod protested. “I don’t know why he’s gone. We did discuss the watch last night. And, yes, I was concerned about him showing it to you. I didn’t want anyone jumping to any conclusions about why he had it. But we also discussed his future plans. He certainly didn’t say he was leaving. He just said he needed to think about all the options.”

“All of what options?” Victoria questioned.

“Well, like I said at lunch, he hasn’t made a secret of the fact that he’s been considering leaving. Last night when I gave him the telegram from George Russell, I told him there was no reason that he HAD to take that job because if he wanted it, he had enough money to buy his own ranch. He said it was a lot to think about.”

“Maybe that’s what he’s done,” Eugene suggested. “Maybe he just went off to find someplace to think.”

“No…” Audra’s soft voice was heard. “He didn’t. He left a note.”

She’d seen the two notes he’d left on the dresser and, picking them up, found her name on one of the envelopes. As the others talked, she’d read her note and now looked up at them with tears rolling from her eyes.

“He’s gone,” she told them.

“What does it say, honey?” Jarrod asked in a gentle voice.

She took a shaky breath and wiped a tear from each eye before reading her note to them. “Dear Audra – I’m sorry I didn’t wait to say good-bye. Got a ways to go and need to hit the trail. If you’re not too mad at me, would you do me a favor? I don’t make a promise and break it and I made one that I need your help to keep. I promised the stallion that if he didn’t like being penned in once he got to the ranch, I’d set him free. If the only way Nick can break him is to break his spirit – make Nick set him free. I’ll see you again one of these days – promise. Love, Heath.”

The others were quiet for a moment when she finished. Then Jarrod noticed the other envelope in her hand. “Who is the other note for?”

Audra held it out and said through her tears, “It’s for you, Mother.”

Victoria opened it with trembling hands and read it silently. When she refolded it, Eugene asked, “What did he say?”

She shook her head. “This is for Heath and me to discuss once we figure out where he went. And once we figure out how we’re going to get him to come back.”

“THAT’S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW!” Nick’s voice exploded from the doorway. “WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU ALL DONE?”

“Nicholas! Lower your voice!” his mother ordered. “Regardless of how you feel, that tone of voice is inappropriate.”

“Fine,” Nick growled through gritted teeth. “But I still want to know what you’ve all done. A week ago, I had that boy pretty much agreeing that he was staying right here and helping me run this ranch. I LEAVE HIM IN YOUR CARE FOR ONE DAY – ONE DAY – AND YOU’VE GOT HIM PACKING HIS BAG AND LEAVING! WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU ALL DONE?” he demanded again.

“I don’t know that anyone but Heath can answer that question,” Jarrod responded.

“You’re a fine one to take the easy way out! I heard you! You told him he could buy his own ranch! Why didn’t you tell him he could stay right here? And YOU…” he looked at Eugene. “All you had to do was help him bring some horses back to the ranch – and instead you tell him you don’t need another big brother and get into some argument you won’t even talk about.”

“Nick,” Jarrod attempted to calm him down. “That’s not fair.”

“Am I wrong, Jarrod?” Nick asked angrily. “Don’t tell me about fair! Heath’s whole life hasn’t been fair! And I’m gonna do something about it! Tomorrow is my little brother’s birthday – and I plan on spending it with him! I’m leaving first thing in the morning!”

“Nick, he has a day’s head start on you,” Jarrod tried to reason with him. “You won’t catch up to him until you get to Carson City. And by then you’ll be a couple days behind him.”

“Well, that just shows how well you know your little brother, Jarrod,” Nick said sarcastically. “Heath isn’t going to Carson City.”

“And how do you happen to know that?”

“He said it in that note to Audra. He doesn’t break a promise. So regardless of what made him leave – he wouldn’t take that job with George,” Nick maintained. “A week ago he promised me that.”

“Then how are you going to find him?”

“I know where he went,” Nick stated with certainty. “Heath doesn’t break a promise. And he’s gone to keep a promise. And I’m gonna go get him and bring him home. And no one,” he looked at his mother specifically, “is going to stop me!”

He would have slammed Heath’s bedroom door on his way out if he’d thought of it in time. But he didn’t – so he chose the next best thing and slammed his own.

“Well…” Victoria looked at her three children who were still with her in Heath’s room, “I guess Nick is taking a trip. I don’t know about the rest of you,” she paused for effect, “but I don’t plan to stop him. I am, however, going to pray that he’s successful.”

Chapter 27

Victoria knocked on the door of Nick’s bedroom, then opened it and entered purposefully, not waiting for her son’s invitation.

“Mother, don’t start!” Nick warned as he stood at the window, gazing out at the yard. “I haven’t had a temperature since sometime early this morning,” he turned to look at her. “I’m fine.”

“Well, that answers my first question,” Victoria said calmly. “Would you care to answer the others … or shall I ask them first?”

Nick looked at her silently for a moment before crossing the room, reaching out to hold her hands, and leaning close to kiss her cheek. “I’m sorry, Mother. It’s just been one of those days that’s gone from bad to worse.”

“I couldn’t agree with you more,” she squeezed his hands. “Let’s sit down for a few minutes. We need to talk. And supper can wait.”

“Are you gonna try to convince me not to go after him?” Nick asked as they sat down in the chairs by the window.

“No,” she shook her head. “I want you to go after him. And I’m going to trust that you wouldn’t even consider it if you didn’t think you were able to do it. Are you sure you know where to find him?”

“Sure enough to get on a horse and go after him.”

“And are you willing to share your information?”

“Not in a million years,” Nick sort of laughed. “I don’t want anyone in this family coming after me and doing any more damage than they’ve already done.”

“I’m afraid I’ve unknowingly done some of that damage myself.”

“Is that what Heath’s note to you is about?”

“If you read between the lines,” she nodded. “I still consider it a private communication and, because of that, I’m not going to let you read it. But I want you to know about it so you’ll be prepared with an answer if he says he can’t come back because of me. From what Heath said in his note, I think he believes that by being here he’s causing me a great deal of personal pain. He believes he’s a constant reminder that your father was unfaithful to me.”

“That would seem to make sense to me,” Nick shrugged.

“And THAT is what I’m concerned about, Nicholas,” she stated firmly but good-naturedly. “I’ve already told you that I knew of your father’s affair. And, although I didn’t know that a child resulted from that relationship, I came to terms with it a long time ago. In regards to your father, Heath’s presence here is almost a comfort. There are so many little things about Heath that remind me of him,” she said almost wistfully. “It’s as though something that was missing has been returned to us. But Heath believes he sees pain in my eyes when I look at him. You need to convince him that what he sees in my eyes has nothing to do with feeling that betrayal again.”

“Mother,” Nick sounded apologetic, “you’re gonna have to tell me more if you want me to convince him of that.”

She smiled slightly, knowing that he DID understand and just didn’t realize it. “You sounded very passionate when you told Jarrod that there was nothing fair about Heath’s life. Do you think you’re the only one who feels that way?” she asked rhetorically. “I feel it every time I look at him. And if he thinks he sees hurt – I’m sure he does. My heart breaks when I think that my children had everything they could have needed – or wanted. And Heath…” her voice trailed off.

“Yeah,” Nick nodded, clearing his throat. “While we left food on our plates, he was setting dynamite charges in a mine to help his mother PUT food on their plates. Mother – my biggest challenge at the age of six was – trying to write my name so you could read it.”

“I know,” Victoria laughed and wiped away a single tear that rolled down her cheek. “I still can’t read it sometimes.”

“I know,” he, too, laughed. He took in a deep breath that he exhaled as a sigh before saying, “So you think that when Heath sees that look on your face, he believes you’re hurting for yourself rather than him?”

“Yes,” she said simply.

“Of course he would. There have been only a handful of people in his life who would care about him before they cared about themselves. Don’t worry, Mother. I’ll do my best to make him understand.”

“I know you will,” she nodded, smiling. “While you were gone, something happened to you that turned you from a non-believer into a big brother.”

“Heath happened to me,” Nick laughed. “He had a little help along the way,” he admitted, “but I think it was just getting to know him that convinced me he was the little brother I always wanted. And I don’t mean to take anything away from Gene. It’s just that…”

“I understand,” she assured him. “Gene is more Jarrod’s little brother than he is yours.”

“Exactly! That’s just what I told Heath! Mother, I was just short of begging him to tell me he’d stay in Stockton and help me run the ranch. I was actually jealous of George Russell because Heath seemed so comfortable with him. I couldn’t get him away from there fast enough,” he admitted.

“It’s a powerful emotion,” she chuckled. “Is that what you meant by having a little help? Someone made you jealous?”

“Well – I guess you could consider that part of it,” he conceded, looking out the window.

“Nicholas, when you fail to look me in the eyes, I know you’re lying to me. Or, perhaps, not telling me all of it?” she looked at him with raised eyebrows.

He looked over at her, not wanting to be the one to tell her but knowing someone had to. With reluctance he said, “There have been too many misunderstandings, Mother. I know Jarrod meant well by trying to keep you from finding out about Father’s watch – and I’m sure hearing about him giving it to Heath’s mother must hurt – but trying to keep it from you was the wrong thing to do. What it says about Father and Heath’s mother, I don’t really know,” he shook his head. “But I DO know we can’t keep hiding things. So I need to tell you about something I saw in Strawberry. At the very least, it says it … it probably … wasn’t just…”

“One night?” Victoria asked her hesitant son.

He just nodded.

“What was it?” his mother seemed to visibly brace herself for bad news.

“A picture.”

She thought about it for a moment then asked a bit apprehensively, “Of your father and Heath’s mother?”

Again he just nodded.

“I see,” she said softly. She looked out the window silently for a moment before saying, “Thank you for telling me. ALL the secrets have to be brought out into the open. The misunderstandings HAVE to be resolved.”

“How about if we start after supper?” Nick asked. “I’ll ask the questions and you make them answer. I want to know everything that’s been said and done to make Heath think we wanted him to leave. It’s the only way I’ll be able to get him to come back.”

“Oh, I think they’ll talk willingly,” she suggested. “Despite any words and actions that said otherwise, I don’t think anyone wanted him to leave. Jarrod was trying to protect me. Eugene was trying to agree with everyone. Audra has never wanted him to leave. And neither have I – although I may have, unintentionally, been the one most responsible for his departure.”

Nick stood up and pulled her to her feet then wrapped his arms around her as he kissed the top of her head. “I’ll make him understand, Mother. And I’ll bring him back,” he vowed. “Even if I have to knock him out and throw him over a horse to do it.”

* * * * *

The heat emanating from Nick during supper had nothing to do with the fever he’d had as recently as that morning. He left no doubt about his anger as they all sat down to eat. The looks he bestowed on his brothers were full of a rage he struggled to contain. Only the glances from his mother, intended to calm, kept him in check. He cleared his plate quickly, foregoing a second helping to stare distastefully at the plates that both of his brothers refilled. He was convinced they were stalling on purpose, putting off the inevitable family discussion. Doesn’t matter, Nick shook his head at Jarrod when he glanced up at him, I’m staying right here until you’re done.

Victoria finally pushed her chair back and stood up. “Why don’t we all go into the study for our discussion,” she took it for granted that, although it was phrased as a question, they all knew it was said as a command.

She glided from the room with Audra at her side while Nick tried to hurry his brothers along. He laughed wickedly when he heard Eugene nervously ask Jarrod, “What discussion is she talking about?”

Nick leaned close to his youngest brother, staring into his eyes as he growled, “Some of us’ll be discussin’. Others’ll be explainin’.”

“He’s your brother, Nick,” Jarrod reminded him. “Quit acting like the town bully. All three of us share responsibility for Heath’s departure so don’t lay blame on everyone but yourself.”

“Oh, this is gonna be good,” Nick breathed out as he nudged his brothers towards the study.

The last thing Jarrod was going to do when they got to the study was let Nick take control of their discussion. So the first thing he did was ask if anyone wanted a drink. When everyone else declined, he took the time to pour one for himself. Then, as he crossed the room to sit near his mother, he said, “Let’s get one thing straight. Heath didn’t just decide to leave in the last twenty-four hours. He was ready to leave two weeks ago. And there’s no way of knowing how long before that he was thinking about it. If we pushed him over the edge,” he looked at Nick, “you were the one who lead him right up to it, brother Nick, regardless of any changes in your relationship that may have occurred in the past two weeks. So let’s forget the accusations and just figure out what needs to be done to get him to come back here with you.”

No one said a word as Nick stared at Jarrod through narrowed eyes for a full minute before he spoke. “Alright. But if you don’t mind, I’m the one who’s going after him so I’m the one who’s asking the questions.”

“As long as they’re questions and not accusations, I won’t stop you,” Jarrod agreed.

“Okay,” Nick nodded and immediately turned to Eugene. “What was the argument about?”

“The same thing you argued about,” the youngest brother said defensively. “I wanted to know what made you think he was mad enough to shoot you. He said you were arguing about some things you’d learned that you didn’t wanna know. Things about Father. And I called him a damn liar and I … tackled him … and … took a swing at him.”

“You tackled him!” far from being angry, Nick laughed at the thought of Eugene go after Heath.

“It was the only hit I got in,” Eugene replied sheepishly. “He put a headlock on me and told me he wouldn’t fight me.”

“You’re lucky one of you was thinking sensibly,” Nick joked. Then he quickly became serious as he asked, “Is that when you told him you didn’t need another big brother?”

“Yeah. I guess. And I told him…”

“What?” Nick sounded exasperated with Eugene’s apparent diffidence.

Eugene let out a loud sigh. “I told him I didn’t understand how anyone could have believed he was Father’s son. And then he got mad and told me about the watch and…” he stopped abruptly, looking towards his mother.

“The picture?” Victoria prompted her youngest.

He didn’t know how to answer her. Maybe she wasn’t talking about…

“I know about the picture of your father and Heath’s mother,” she interrupted his thoughts.

“Oh … well, then … yeah, the picture,” he nodded. “I’m sure there was a lot of other stuff said – but mostly that was it. He told me I’d better back off if I wanted to get back to the ranch in one piece … so I did. I didn’t mean any of it. All I could think about was when we met up with you and he was saying he was gonna shoot you.”

“You know he was joking, right?” despite the seriousness of the situation, Nick couldn’t hide the slight laugh that hiccupped from his mouth.

“I didn’t at the time! How was I supposed to know that you’d become best friends out there on the trail? Until that day, any time I heard you say ‘little brother’ you were talking to me,” Eugene sounded hurt.

“So this is about me calling him ‘little brother’?” Nick asked. “Ever since he got here, this family has been waiting for me to say that.”

“Maybe I wasn’t as ready for that as I thought,” the young man sort of mumbled. Then with a more positive voice, he added, “But I didn’t want him to leave. Brothers argue and say stupid things to each other all the time.”

“Unfortunately, brothers saying stupid things to each other isn’t one of Heath’s life experiences. But I’ll tell him about it when I catch up to him,” Nick said drily. “When I get him back here, though, you’ll have to convince him that that’s the way it is.”

As Eugene just nodded, Jarrod struggled to contain a laugh.

“What!” Nick demanded of his older brother.

“I’m sorry, Nick,” he gave up and laughed, “but I would have thought after six weeks of working with you, he’d know that brothers say stupid things to each other.”

“I’m gonna overlook that, Jarrod – because you’re probably right. Still, I’ll let one of you explain that particular ritual to him when I get him home.”

“Nick,” Audra spoke up when it was clear that her brothers had hit a lull, “are you SURE you know where to find him?”

“Yes. I’m sure,” he told her. “But I’m not telling you where he is because I don’t want any of you following me.”

“How are we supposed to know you’re alright if we don’t know where you’re going?”

“I guess you’ll just have to trust me on that.”

“It isn’t a matter of trust, Nick,” Jarrod said. “It’s a matter of knowing that you’re alright. And knowing that I’ll have a few of the hands follow you if you don’t tell us,” the lawyer threatened.

“You would, wouldn’t you?”

“I would.”

“Oh, alright,” Nick breathed out, disgustedly. “It’s not really that hard to figure out. He went to Strawberry.”

“I know you believe that you know him better than I do,” Jarrod suggested, “but isn’t that a little obvious? He’d have to know that’s the first place we’d look.”

“IF he thought anyone was looking,” Nick argued. “He left because he obviously thinks we’d prefer that – so why would he think anyone would follow him?”

“Why are you so sure that he’s there?” Audra wanted to know.

“I heard him talking to Rachel when we were in Strawberry. He told her he was thinking about leaving Stockton – and he told her not to worry because he wouldn’t leave the area without coming back there first to fix her roof. He promised he wouldn’t move on without doing it. Heath doesn’t break his word. THAT’S where he went,” he asserted.

Jarrod thought about it for a moment. “Okay – IF that’s where he is, it’ll take you a day to get there – I’ll give you two days to convince him to come back to Stockton – and another day to get home. If you’re not back by Thursday night, you’d better have sent a telegram to tell us why.”

“Give me ‘til Friday night,” Nick countered. “He might need help fixing her roof.”

With a slight smile Jarrod said, “Okay. Friday night. We’ll expect you or a telegram.”

“And now that that’s settled, would you like to tell us YOUR story?” Nick invited.

“It’s not much of a story, Nick. I misread things. I thought Heath planned to leave and I thought I could offer him something better than a job working for someone else. I pointed out that he had enough money to buy his own ranch if he wanted to,” Jarrod responded. “I suppose I didn’t try to talk him out of it because I thought if he left, Mother would never hear about the watch. Or the picture.”

“Why did you think you needed to protect me from that?” Victoria wanted to know.

“Because Nick and Heath both think those items mean that Father knew about Heath and knowingly neglected him. I don’t know if that’s true or not,” Jarrod shook his head. “And I didn’t want you to have to listen to an ongoing argument about it. Mother, regardless of how welcoming you’ve been towards Heath – and no matter how many times you want to tell us that you came to terms with Father’s affair long ago – we all know this hasn’t been easy for you. Misguided or not, I was just trying to protect you from anymore hurt.”

“And I appreciate your good intentions,” she assured him. “But good intentions are not going to persuade Heath to make this ranch his home and I expect more than good intentions from this family when he returns.”

“Maybe we should just let him spend all his time with Audra,” Eugene joked. “She seems to be the only one of us who didn’t do something to make him think we wanted him to leave. Well…” he stammered, “except for you, of course, Mother.”

“No, I have to accept my share of the responsibility. I’ll be sitting down and having a nice long talk with your brother when he returns.”

She said ‘when’ – but, without exception, in the quiet that followed they were all thinking ‘if’.

“Well…” Nick finally broke their silence, “…guess I’ve got my job cut out for me. Anything else to tell me so there won’t be any surprises once I get there?” he asked of the room in general.

There was, again, an uncomfortable silence – broken this time by Audra. “Nick…” it was a cross between a question and a sigh.

“What?” he frowned, her tone of voice worrying him.

“You won’t hurt him … right?”

“Only if I have to, little sister,” he said with a mischievously evil laugh. “Only if I have to.”

* * * * *

Nick had left the ranch a full two hours before sunrise and was making far better time than he and Heath had just two weeks before. He expected to make Strawberry before four o’clock and, in fact, it wasn’t much after three when he approached the tiny town. He could hear the faint pounding of a hammer as he drew nearer to the outskirts and he smiled to himself at its sound. As certain as he’d seemed in Stockton, there’d still been a pesky little voice saying MAYBE he was wrong.

He chose to bypass the main road on which Rachel’s house was situated. He wanted to get the horses settled at the livery before Heath saw him. It would be harder for Heath to tell him to mount up and ride out if he didn’t have a couple horses standing there waiting for him. Mr. Flynn was there and helped him settle the horses, promising to take good care of them while Nick was in Strawberry. With Heath’s Modoc the only other horse in residence, Nick didn’t doubt the horses would get the needed attention.

His strides were long and determined as he headed for Rachel Caulfield’s home. He could still hear the periodic beat of the hammer – then silence – then the hammer again. As the house came into view he saw Heath on the far side of the sloped roof, his back to Nick as he swung the tool at the nail he held in place. After a few gentle taps to set the nail, three quick and convincing strokes drove it home. Heath pulled another nail from his shirt pocket and repeated the routine.

There was a ladder leaning against the front of the house and Nick ascended until his head and shoulders were above the level of the roof. He was just about to announce his presence when Heath muttered, “Damn!”, dropped the nail he’d been holding, and shook out his left hand.

“HA!” Nick exclaimed. “I KNEW you were accident-prone!”

“Wha--,” Heath turned around quickly.

Too quickly. The foot that had been braced, holding him steady, slipped from its foothold and Nick watched helplessly as his brother slid out of sight down the far side of the roof.

Chapter 28

There was no crashing sound. No yelling or cries for help. Nothing – except his brother slipping and disappearing from his sight – to indicate that Heath had presumably fallen off the roof. Nick scrambled up the remaining rungs of the ladder onto the roof then cautiously crawled about ten feet towards the peak. He wrapped his gloved hand over the top and pulled himself the rest of the way up to anxiously look over.

Heath was stretched out, his right hand barely holding on to the upper corner of the chimney. He was just able to see Nick out of the corner of his eye and complained, in a strained voice, “Interestin’ way ya’ got of sayin’ hello.”

Nick pulled himself up further so he could sit on the roof’s peak. He tilted his head slightly, smiling at Heath’s efforts to find a foothold.

“Ya’ just gonna sit there laughin’? Ya’ could at least help me up!” Heath sort of groaned.

Nick figured that Heath wasn’t about to let go, so he might as well take the time to point out the advantages of having a brother at his side. “What would you do if I wasn’t here?” he asked the blond.

“Well…” Heath drawled, “the first thing that comes to mind is – I WOULDN’TA SLIPPED IF YA’ WEREN’T HERE!”

“Yeah, I guess you got a point there,” Nick had to agree as he moved towards the chimney a few feet to his left, then slid down the roof until his feet were braced against the bricks.

He reached down and grasped Heath’s wrist, supporting his weight until Heath could get his footing and crawl up to sit facing Nick with his back against the chimney. Nick moved his feet out of the way then slid to his left a bit more to make room for his brother.

“You okay?” he asked as Heath studied a gash on his right forearm.

“Fine.”

“You oughta clean that up and wrap a bandage around it so it doesn’t get infected,” Nick suggested. “I know all about things getting infected. You don’t want that to happen.”

“Shouldn’t ya’ be home in bed?” Heath asked, dabbing at the blood with the tail of his shirt.

“Shouldn’t you have taken the time to say good-bye?” Nick countered.

“I left a note.”

“You left a note for Audra and another for Mother!” Nick said disgustedly. “You didn’t even give me a chance to wish you a happy birthday.”

With a slight laugh, Heath told him, “My birthday ain’t ‘til the end of May, Nick.”

“Have you looked at a calendar lately!”

“Calendars only work if ya’ already know what date it is,” Heath pointed out.

“Well, it’s May 26^th!” Nick rolled his eyes. “Happy birthday.”

“I knew it must be gettin’ close,” Heath mused. “Don’t remember mentionin’ it though. Is that somethin’ ya’ learned from your Pinkerton report?”

“Jarrod told you about it?” Nick sounded surprised.

“No,” Heath stated flatly. “Don’t ya’ think someone shoulda?” He pushed away from the chimney and, using Nick’s bent knee and then his shoulder for balance, climbed carefully up and over the roof’s peak.

But the time Nick had gingerly turned around and made his way to the top, Heath had reached the ladder on the other side and was climbing down. Nick caught up to him in back of the house at the pump where he was trying to work the handle with his left hand while he held his right arm under the water. Nick took over the pumping duties and Heath silently washed the cut on his arm. Cleaned up it didn’t look nearly as bad as it had on the roof. Heath wrapped a bandana around his arm and as he struggled to tuck the end under, Nick brushed his hand away and did it for him.

As Heath started to turn away, Nick gripped the sleeve of his shirt to stop him. “Why’d you leave?” he asked.

“I never promised to stay, Nick,” Heath told him, “so if you’re thinkin’—,”

“I’m thinking that you promised to give us time to work things out,” Nick cut him short. “And I’m thinking it’s kinda hard to do that living in two different towns. AND … I’m thinking I hope I don’t have to keep my promise to Mother that I’d bring you home even if I have to knock you out and throw you over a horse.”

“I don’t think ya’ wanna try that, Nick,” Heath said seriously, rolling down his sleeves as he headed for the front of the house.

“Of course I don’t! I’m hoping we can just talk about it and you’ll come back because you want to,” Nick hurried after him.

“What I want may not be right for everyone else.”

“And what you think may be right for everyone else,” Nick argued, “may be so far off the mark that you’ll be begging me to take you back to Stockton.”

“Ya’ really shouldn’t count on me beggin’, Nick,” Heath said drily.

“Are you at least gonna give me the chance to tell you why I think you should come back to Stockton with me?”

“No reason I can think of not to listen – if parta what ya’ wanna tell me about is that report ya’ got from Pinkerton. Wouldn’t mind, at all, hearin’ what ya’ gotta say about that.”

Oh, that was at the top of his list, Heath seethed to himself. More than any other question, he wanted an answer to THAT one. He wanted to know why they’d had Pinkerton investigate him. Why they couldn’t have asked HIM what they wanted to know. One minute he was sure it meant they were just looking for a reason to get him out of their lives. And the next minute he was persuading himself that Nick wouldn’t have been so friendly over the past week or so if he still wanted him to leave Stockton. Oh, yeah, he was curious about that alright – but he was also hurt by it. He’d done everything they’d asked of him – and more. He’d worked from well before dawn ‘til there wasn’t enough light to see on most days. He bitten his tongue more times than he could count when Nick bellowed out an order. AND he hadn’t taken a single swing at him – unless Nick had swung first!

Okay – so he didn’t go to church with them EVERY Sunday. Sometimes he just had to worship in his own way – surrounded by nothing more than tall pines that seemed to reach into the heavens. But had they asked him why he wasn’t going with them? No – all he got was an exaggerated sigh that he just knew was meant to make him change his mind. Could they really hold that against him? He’d done all the rest. He’d fetched supplies from town and gone to all the Friday night dances and even worked one day with Audra at the orphanage. All to show them that he could be as much a part of the family as they all were. And still they wanted to have someone poke around in his past. Why couldn’t they just have asked him?

“Could we, maybe, put off talking about that ‘til tomorrow?” Nick broke into his thoughts as though he could actually hear them. “‘Cause right now, little brother – I don’t wanna talk. We’ve got plenty of time to do that,” he gripped his arm to stop him. “Right now, you need to knock off work and we need to find some place to celebrate your birthday.”

“Nick –,” Heath shook his head and laughingly said, “there ain’t no place in Strawberry to celebrate nothin’.”

“Yeah, I figured that,” Nick agreed, releasing his hold on his blond brother and taking a step back. Grinning, he said, “That’s why I packed a couple bottles and some clean glasses. And Silas packed enough supper for four. I thought you might want Rachel and Hannah to join us since it’s a special day.”

“Ya’ can’t take a bottle into Rachel’s or Hannah’s house!”

“I know that! The bottles are for you and me! Before – after – whenever – but I sure as hell wasn’t planning to share ‘em with two women. They ARE here in Strawberry, right?”

“Yeah. They’re here. Aunt Rachel went over to Hannah’s to help her sew some new curtains. She said Hannah would be comin’ over for supper.”

“Maybe she’s planning something special for your birthday. We should probably go over to Hannah’s and make sure they don’t go to any trouble,” he put an arm around Heath’s shoulders and tried to guide him in that direction.

“I don’t think they know the date any more than I did,” Heath pulled away from his brother’s effort to lead him away from Rachel’s house.

“How could you NOT know it’s your birthday?” Nick sounded like he didn’t really believe him.

“I ain’t celebrated one in a long time,” Heath shrugged. “Usually realize a couple weeks later that it came and went.”

“So is that what you’re planning to do now? Celebrate in a couple weeks?”

“I wasn’t plannin’ to celebrate at all,” Heath reached for the ladder and stepped onto the first rung.

“Oh, hell, Heath! I rode all day to get here. The least you could do is talk to me!”

Heath stepped down and turned to face him. “Seems to me you’re more interested in celebratin’ than talkin’.”

“And what’s wrong with that?” Nick demanded. “It’s my little brother’s first birthday!”

“Nick, I’m 24. IF you’re right about the date.”

“I meant the first since I’ve known you,” he stated the obvious. “Come with me now and I’ll help you fix the roof tomorrow. We can let Rachel and Hannah know that they don’t have to make supper and then go over to the livery to get it. We can talk on the way if you want,” he coaxed.

“You gonna tell me things I wanna know? Or just the things you want me to hear?”

Nick stepped closer and rested his hand on Heath’s shoulder. “I’ll tell you whatever you wanna know, little brother. That’s what I came here for.”

Heath stared into hazel eyes, trying to see the truth in them. Nick unwaveringly held his gaze. He didn’t want Heath to have any doubts that he meant what he said. He’d come prepared to tell him everything and answer any questions he might ask but his intentions wouldn’t mean a thing if Heath thought he was being less than honest. It was a long moment of study for both of them as each tried to see inside the other’s mind. Nick’s grip on Heath’s shoulder tightened and the younger man responded with a slight smile.

“Ya’ tryin’ a big brother thing on me, Nick? ‘Cause if ya’ are, it ain’t fair. I ain’t had a lotta experience in that particular area.”

Nick grinned. Then laughed as he loosened his grip. “Quit looking at me that way,” he ordered.

“What way is that, Nick?” Heath asked innocently.

“That little brother way. And don’t try to tell me you don’t know what I mean. You know exactly what I mean,” he accused. “Come on,” he put his arm around him to get him moving. “We’ll finish the roof tomorrow.”

This time Heath let himself be steered away from the house, telling himself he was doing it for Rachel and Hannah. He SHOULD let them know that they didn’t have to cook supper, he convinced himself. As they walked, he put a small distance between himself and Nick, not sure he was ready for Nick’s brand of brotherhood. Not that he didn’t want it. He probably wanted it more than anything he’d ever wanted. But he’d already let himself be lulled into believing that Nick had done an about-face so quickly and easily – and he wasn’t about to fall for it again. So he maintained a distance that let them talk but didn’t encourage any physical contact.

“How come you didn’t tell me your birthday was coming up?” Nick asked him.

“Well … I did, Nick.”

“When?”

“When I told ya’ I was almost 24. What did ya’ think that meant? If ya’ wanted to know more, ya’ coulda asked. It’s not like I had somethin’ to hide. Ya’ didn't have to ask the Pinkerton detectives to find out for ya’.” He stopped and looked at Nick. “Why didn’t anyone ask me what they wanted to know? And why don’t I have the right to decide what ya’ DO know about me?”

“I’m not excusing us – I’m just explaining. That report was requested the day after you claimed to be Father’s son. We didn’t know you. We didn’t know anything about you. For all we knew, what you were doing could have been one big swindle,” Nick suggested. “Jarrod finally got the report while we were away. And you know him – he’s a lawyer. He doesn’t need the report to know you’re Father’s son – but,” he paused, shaking his head and unsure of what to say. After a moment of thought he just breathed out, “Oh, hell, he’s a lawyer! He got it and he read it! When he told me about it, I’d have taken a swing at him if it woulda done any good. I told him he had no right reading it.”

“Then why’d ya’ ask to see it?”

“How’d you know that?” Nick frowned, knowing that had happened in the wee hours of the morning.

“I heard ya’. Somethin’ woke me up – then I heard talkin’ and thought if ya’ were awake, I’d check and see how ya’ were doin’. I heard ya’ talkin’ with Jarrod about him showin’ ya’ the report,” he admitted.

“IS THAT WHY YOU LEFT!”

“Ya’ ever heard that sayin’ about the last straw?” Heath asked him. “The one that broke the camel’s back? Ya’ know, it was a helluva lot easier stayin’ around when you hated me, Nick. Then I stayed just to spite ya’. Do ya’ think if ya’d known a few weeks ago that callin’ me ‘little brother’ coulda pushed me right out the door – ya’ mighta done is sooner?”

“I’m glad I didn’t. A few weeks ago, I wouldn’t have cared if you came back,” Nick told him. He took in a deep breath and let it out loudly before asking, “You wanna know why I asked Jarrod to show me the report?”

“I think I already asked ya’ that.”

“I asked him to show it to me because I didn’t want the lawyer to be the keeper of that information.”

“Ya’ wanna say that over in a way that makes sense? That way makes it sound like ya’ don’t trust Jarrod.”

“Of course I trust Jarrod,” Nick dismissed that notion quickly. “But if there was something in that report that you were gonna need to be protected from, Jarrod isn’t the one who could do that. I’m the one who’s gonna be by your side.”

“Ya’ MIGHT be the one by my side.”

“That’s NOT the point I’m making,” Nick said disgustedly. “If Jarrod had never read that report, I woulda told him to burn it. But once he read it, I didn’t wanna find out – after something happened – that we coulda protected you from something that we ignored because the lawyer was the one who read about it. Jarrod ISN’T the one you want watching your back!”

As he looked at his younger brother, Nick saw a myriad of emotions in the eyes that stared back. There was anger – and he knew that was to be expected. But there was also confusion. Hurt. Betrayal. Stubbornness. A smile twitched at his mouth as he considered the last one.

“So whatta ya’ thinkin’ that’s so funny?” Heath frowned.

“I was thinking how pigheaded you are,” Nick didn’t hesitate to tell him.

“Runs in the family.”

“It must,” Nick shrugged. “I’m here. I don’t find a little brother and give him up that easily.”

“I think Gene might say you’re tradin’ one little brother for another. And I DON’T think he likes it a lot.”

“Gene is just one of many subjects we’ve gotta talk about. Can’t we put that aside for right now – and just enjoy celebrating your birthday?”

The silence between them was becoming uncomfortable by the time Heath finally said, “Okay. But we’ve got things to talk about.”

“We’ll talk,” Nick promised as he wrapped his arm around his brother’s shoulders and pulled him along as he, once again, headed down the road in the general direction of Hannah’s house. He was encouraged by the fact that Heath allowed the brotherly gesture this time but he didn’t want to overdo it so once he was sure Heath was willingly moving his feet, he dropped the embrace. “So when was the last time you celebrated your birthday?” Nick’s attempt to change the subject was almost laughable.

“I don’t know. Maybe when I was seventeen or eighteen. I really ain’t much for parties, Nick.”

“But you had parties when you were a kid, right? You know – presents and a cake – that kinda stuff?”

“Pretty much always had a cake,” Heath agreed. “I don’t know if I thought of it as a party – but it WAS special. We didn’t have dessert all that often so cake was a real treat.”

“What kinda presents did you get?”

“Well … Aunt Rachel almost always made me a new shirt – she’s a real good seamstress. I liked that present better than the Christmas present she gave me every year,” he remembered with a slight grin. “She always made me a new nightshirt at Christmas. And then Mama would make me put it on and show them how good it fit. Don’t s’pose I minded so much when I was little but by the time I was seven or eight it was a real trial gettin’ me to put that thing on.”

“I think every kid must get a nightshirt for Christmas,” Nick suggested. “Mother always made sure we got a couple new nightshirts every year. I preferred the toys.”

“Yeah,” Heath nodded. “I got a toy once. A wooden horse. I think Mama musta traded somethin’ for it ‘cause there ain’t no way she had the money to buy somethin’ like that. It’s the only real toy I can ever remember gettin’. But Aunt Rachel gave us a book one year. Grimm’s Fairy Tales. I gotta tell ya’ – some of ‘em scared the hell outta me! Mama would read ‘em to me before I’d go to sleep each night – and I’d end up dreamin’ about things like bein’ lost in the forest with Hansel and Gretel.”

“I had a lot of dragons in my dreams,” Nick smiled at the memory. “I woke up in a cold sweat more times than I care to admit.” He looked over at his little brother, thinking of the companion he’d always had in his dreams. The one who wasn’t there when he opened his eyes. “God…” he breathed out. “I wish we’d grown up together.”

Heath glanced over at him as they walked. “Ain’t no point in wishing for somethin’ like that, Nick. Ain’t no way to go back and change it.”

“Yeah, I know. But I CAN wish that we’ll grow old together,” Nick said. “Some day it’ll be you and your wife and kids. Me and my wife and kids. And we’ll be running the Barkley Ranch together. I’ll rescue you when you’re lost in the forest and you can help me kill the dragons.”

Yeah, Heath thought, it sounded real nice. Of course … there was a lot of talking to do before THAT particular dream could become reality. He couldn’t help but wonder how long Nick was gonna put it off.

* * * * *

They’d stopped at Hannah’s house where Rachel met them at the door. She’d greeted Nick and stepped outside to join them, telling them she’d invite them in but the house was a mess with their sewing all over. Heath had told her they’d just stopped to let her know about supper and were on their way to the livery to get it. She’d promised to meet them back at the house and seemed eager for them to be on their way. As Heath headed towards the livery, Nick had lagged behind and quietly asked Rachel if they realized it was Heath’s birthday. She’d just laughed and told him they weren’t making curtains – they were baking a cake. Nick had hurried after his brother and when Heath had asked what that had been about, Nick just shrugged and said, “I told her I dragged you away from the roof and I’d help you finish it tomorrow.”

“Doesn’t sound like much to laugh about.”

“She said she figured you’d been looking for an excuse anyway.”

Heath had just rolled his eyes and kept walking.

Now, as they entered the livery stable, Heath turned to the dark haired cowboy when he saw Magic in one of the stalls. “Is there something wrong with Coco?” he sounded concerned.

“No, Coco’s fine,” Nick shook his head, sounding as though he had no idea why Heath was asking.

“Why are you riding Magic, then?”

“I had Coco all saddled up and ready to go and it was the damndest thing! I couldn’t get the other horse to cooperate. I switched all my gear over to Magic and he came along real quiet – like they were old friends.”

Heath squinted into the dark interior of the livery, spotting the other horse several stalls down. “NICK! Ya’ ain’t using that stallion for a pack horse, are ya’? I can see why he wouldn’ta wanted to come along all that peaceable.”

“Of course I didn’t use him as a pack horse!” Nick sounded as disgusted with that notion as Heath had been. “Magic is packing a little extra weight with supper AND my saddlebags.”

“Then why’d ya’ bring the stallion?”

“’Cause I wasn’t sure I’d manage to talk you into coming back.”

“And ya’ think the stallion’ll persuade me to do that?” Heath laughed. “I spent about a week with him – seems like the strong, SILENT type to me.”

“I guess if you DO come back with me, I’m gonna have to learn to appreciate that sense of humor a bit more,” Nick said drily. “I brought the stallion because … well … when I bought him … it was because I was planning to give him to you. And when I found out it was your birthday … I figured he’d be a good present.”

Heath turned and looked at him silently for at least a full minute before he sort of stammered, “But … what if I … decide not to…”

“THAT’S why I brought him,” Nick stated when Heath fell silent. “Whether or not you come back with me doesn’t have anything to do with it. I wanted you to have him even if you … don’t come back.”

Heath just stared at his brother. He had no idea what to say. It was inconceivable to him that anyone would give him something as magnificent as that stallion. He was afraid if he said anything, the sound of his own voice would wake him up and he’d find out he’d been dreaming. It sure was a better dream than being lost in the forest, he mused. He heard Nick saying something and struggled to focus on the words.

“After hearing what Whitaker had to say about him,” Nick was telling him, “and seeing the way he came at you in that corral – well, you can call him whatever you want – but I’ve been calling him … Charger.”

Chapter 29

Whoever had said it was more blessed to give than to receive sure knew what they were talking about, Nick Barkley thought as he watched his brother try to digest the news that he was now the proud owner of the stallion Nick had been calling Charger. As far back as he could remember, Christmas morning had been a seemingly endless assortment of presents. Birthdays, as well, had been one gift after another. There were always the predictable presents – clothing, toys, books, a new pair of gloves every year. But every birthday and Christmas brought one or two presents chosen to surprise – though it was always something they’d asked for repeatedly in the weeks and months leading up to whatever occasion they were celebrating. Never, in his entire life, could he remember being left speechless by a gift he’d received because in those same weeks and months leading up to the occasion, he’d repeatedly practiced what he would say when he was given what he thought he couldn’t live without.

It was always something enthusiastic like, “Just what I wanted! How did you know?” Or, “How did you ever guess that was the only thing I wanted?” He always managed to say it like it was spontaneous. It was the excitement of actually getting what he wanted that made it sound real. He’d never been at a loss for words. And, except for once when his father had gifted his mother with a ruby necklace, he’d never seen ANYONE at a loss for words when the present was revealed.

Until now. He could actually see Heath trying to figure out what to say. He could see the muscles in his throat tightening, preventing him from speaking. The blond cowboy finally gave up and moved into the interior of the livery where the horse was stabled. Nick wasn’t surprised to see the stallion move forward slightly and stretch out towards the hand that Heath extended. Heath ran his hand down the animal’s nose then took a step closer to pat the side of its neck. Nick didn’t doubt that his little brother was also taking the opportunity to say a few soft words into the horse’s ear but he chose to give them that private moment and didn’t attempt to intrude.

“Ya’ know when ya’ were a kid,” Heath said slowly as he walked back towards Nick, “and someone gave ya’ somethin’ and your mother – if she was like mine – would ask if ya’ remembered to say ‘thank you’?”

“Yeah – all the time,” Nick laughed.

“No one ever gave me anythin’ that I had to say more than that for,” Heath shook his head. “That wooden horse Mama gave me – or – or maybe the book I told ya’ about – those were the best things anyone ever gave me. I didn’t learn any other words ‘cept ‘thank you’. And god knows there must be other words,” he breathed out, “’cause ‘thank you’ is too small for somethin’ like this.”

“That’s the nice thing about brothers knowing each other well enough to know how the other one feels. There’s nothing you need to say.”

“I used to dream about a horse like that,” Heath looked over at his big brother. “Do me a favor?”

“What is it?” Nick asked with good-natured suspicion.

“If I’m still dreamin’ – let me sleep a while longer.”

“You’d like that wouldn’t you?” Nick asked gruffly. “Then you wouldn’t have to help me carry supper over to Rachel’s house. I think that’s what we came in here for.”

“Yeah,” Heath agreed, glancing back at the stallion. “Yeah, I guess we did.”

“Well … I’ll get that and … uh … you can make sure that … the stallion is…”

“Charger,” Heath interrupted him. “His name is Charger.”

“Yeah … Charger,” Nick nodded. “You can make sure Charger is settled down while I get our supper out.”

Heath looked at him and laughed.

“What?” Nick demanded.

He just smiled, shook his head, and went back to Charger’s stall to do what his brother told him to do. Settle down a stallion that Nick knew perfectly well was quite contentedly settled. He may have the snarl of a wolfhound, Heath told himself, but there was more newborn puppy in Nick than he’d like to admit. Maybe someday – if he was feeling particularly brave – AND had a lot of room to run – he might voice that thought to Nick. Or – maybe not.

* * * * *

Unlike the previous meal the four of them had shared at Rachel’s house, Heath’s birthday supper was full of friendly conversation and even a bit of laughter. The cake had made its way into the house with Heath being none the wiser and the ladies managed to surprise him not only with that but also a present wrapped in brown paper. It turned out to be a book similar to Rachel’s remembrance book. A number of items had been removed from her book and placed in the one given to Heath, among them the picture of his mother with his father. He wasn’t sure if that particular picture was one he’d keep but he knew it would be nice to have the others that Rachel had included.

Rachel didn’t seem surprised when Heath told her he probably wouldn’t be back that night as he was leaving to escort Hannah to her house. She’d heard Nick mention having a drink and was pretty sure it would be more than one. Maybe many more than one, she smiled as the two men departed with Hannah. She knew, after the talk she’d had with Heath the night before, that he had a lot to discuss with his brother.

Heath had assumed Nick would go straight to the livery but he seemed content to walk along to Hannah’s house. His purpose became obvious as soon as they’d left her house and he started asking questions about the places they passed. Finally Heath asked him, “When did ya’ start takin’ such an interest in almost-deserted minin’ towns, Nick?”

“When I found a brother who grew up in one,” Nick answered without hesitation. “I was hoping you’d show me around in the daylight.”

“Looks worse in the daylight, Nick,” Heath said cynically. “Nighttime kinda hides all its shortcomin’s. It’s a lot different than when I was a kid.”

“Maybe you can show it to me as it was then,” Nick suggested, knowing if he could get Heath to do that, he’d learn much more about his brother than he would by just asking questions.

“Why don’t we talk about that in the daylight when ya’ can see it a little better. Ya’ might just wanna saddle up and ride out.”

“Couldn’t do that. I said I’d help you with the roof. Gotta stay,” Nick told him as they entered the livery stable.

Heath lit a lamp that Mr. Flynn kept on a small ledge while Nick went over to Magic’s stall to get the saddlebag he’d left hanging over its wall. He carried it closer to the light while Heath took a quick moment to check on HIS horse. By the time he rejoined Nick, his brother was holding two bottles of whiskey by the neck in his left hand and his right hand was rummaging in his saddlebag.

“How many bottles ya’ think we need, Nick?” Heath asked, leaning against the ladder that led to the loft, his arms folded across his chest.

“I’m not looking for another bottle. I’m looking for the glasses.”

“Ya’ got a problem drinkin’ from the bottle?” Heath couldn’t quite hide his smile.

Nick turned to look at him and said with a loud sigh, “I was getting ready to leave this morning and I went into the study to get a bottle. Mother walked in, saw what I was doing, and came over to pull out a second bottle. She handed it to me and said, ‘he’s just as stubborn as you – you may need two bottles’. I took the bottle and started to leave and I heard – ‘Nicholas!’ You know that tone of voice that makes you stop dead in your tracks, feeling like you’re a ten-year-old who’s just been caught stealing candy from the general store?”

“Oh, yeah, she does that voice just the way Mama did,” Heath chuckled slightly.

“Well – I turned around and she’d taken out two glasses. She handed them to me and said ‘gentlemen always drink out of a clean glass – and ALL my sons are gentlemen’.”

Heath considered that for a moment, realizing the implication that Nick was making by telling him this story. He just wasn’t sure he was ready for Victoria Barkley to be calling him ‘son’. He pushed away from the ladder and took one of the bottles out of Nick’s hand. “Ya’ always do what your mother tells ya’ to, Nick?”

Nick looked at the remaining bottle as Heath headed up the ladder to the loft. “Oh, what the hell…” he muttered. “What Mother doesn’t know can’t hurt me.” He followed Heath up the ladder.

They each lit a lamp then settled into the hay, facing the other with about five feet separating them. Neither spoke for a moment as they both pulled the cork from their bottle and took a healthy swig.

“Boy howdy, I’ll tell ya’ there ARE some advantages to bein’ a Barkley,” Heath coughed as the liquor went down. The cough turned to a laugh as he added, “And I sure as hell don’t wanna be around when ya’ tell Jarrod ya’ took a couple bottles of his Scotch whiskey.”

“I don’t plan to tell him,” Nick laughed. “But it wouldn’t matter if I did. He’d say it was in a good cause. He didn’t want you to leave anymore than the rest of us did.”

Heath looked at him skeptically before taking another drink. “The only one of ya’ who never wanted me to leave was Audra.”

“That’s not true. Gene never wanted you to leave. Well – I mean – he didn’t want you to leave once he accepted that…”

“Nick, he ain’t accepted nothin’,” Heath interrupted him. “He doesn’t even believe we’re brothers!”

“He’s a kid! He was angry when he said that. If you just talk to him, you’ll see. It’ll all be straightened out real easy.”

“Even if that’s true – I don’t belong there, Nick. The only thing it’s done is hurt people. You. Gene. Your mother,” he took a drink. “I don’t think Mama woulda told me if she’d known how much it’d hurt y’all.”

“It would hurt more if you didn’t come back,” Nick argued. “Hell, when you first told us your story, I didn’t wanna believe you because I didn’t want all the good memories of Father destroyed. I thought that would just hurt everyone. But that’s not the way it is. You thought I did a lotta yelling when you told us who you were?” Nick laughed, swallowing a couple gulps of whiskey. “You shoulda heard the yelling when I found out you left. And if you’d been there last night – you’d know that leaving hurt everyone more than finding out about – Father – and your mother. They ALL want you to come back.”

“Even your mother? Is she willin’ to think about that ev’ry time she looks at me? Is she willin’ to think about her husband with another woman? ‘Cause I can see that’s what she’s thinkin’ plain as anythin’. Ya’ think that’s easy for her?”

“So she was right about that…” Nick mused.

“About what?”

“She said ya’ believe that’s what she’s thinking when she looks at ya’.”

“Ya’ gonna tell me she doesn’t?” Heath tipped his bottle up. “Nick, I spent my whole life seein’ that same look in my Mama’s eyes.”

“And ya’ think it’s because ya’ remind ‘em about – your father? OUR father? Did ya’ ever think it might be b’cause both of ‘em wish they coulda given ya’ more than ya’ had?” Nick asked him. “Ya’ think any of it was your fault? Ya’ think they blame ya’? ‘Member up on the roof, ya’ asked me if I shouldn’t be home in bed? How do ya’ think I got outta the house?”

“I kinda figured ya’ snuck out,” Heath sort of mumbled.

“If it had been for a beer in town I woulda had ta’,” Nick maintained. “But Mother didn’t even try to stop me comin’ here. She even helped me pack my saddlebag. And I told ya’ she handed me that second bottle so we wouldn’t hafta pass the bottle back and forth.”

“I don’t think that was her reason, Nick. She gave ya’ two clean glasses,” the blond laughed. “Ya’ think she’d call us gentlemen if she knew we were drinkin’ in a hayloft?”

“Don’t ‘spect she’d be too surprised,” Nick shook his head. They were both silent for a moment as more whiskey was consumed. Then Nick continued, “She wants ya’ ta come back, Heath. Yer just gonna hurt her more if ya’ don’t.”

“Okay … I’m lost on that one.”

“She just wants to try to give ya’ what ya’ shoulda had all yer life. If ya’ don’t come back with me … she’ll think she failed all over again.”

“Again?”

“Well, ya’ know she said that she knew about Father’s relationship with another woman – yer mother. She thinks she failed ya’ by not askin’ him about the possiblitity … the possilbitily…” he paused to think about it, “… the possibility of a child. If she had – he’da told her about ya’ and she’da made him do right by ya. So if ya’ don’t come back – it’ll be twice that she didn’t do what she shoulda done,” Nick explained. “So, ya’ see, that’s everyone – we ALL want ya’ to come back.”

“Jarrod don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“Aw, Jarrod thought he was protectin’ Mother,” Nick said disgustedly. “He thought if ya’ stayed, the whole story about the watch would come out. An’ since it don’t prove nothin’, he thought she shouldn’t hear about it. But she saw the watch – and, let me tell ya’, was she mad when she realized he was willin’ to let ya’ leave over that!”

Again, there was a long pause as the two cowboys each took a drink from their more than half emptied bottles. Heath was the one to break their silence.

“Would ya’ answer me a question, Nick?” he asked when he’d lowered the bottle. “An’ tell me the truth?”

“Said I would.”

“Jarrod told me I had ‘nuff money to buy my own ranch. ‘Zat true?”

That WASN’T a question he wanted to answer. If he told him ‘yes’, he was afraid Heath would run off and buy that ranch at the first opportunity. Or, maybe, he considered, Heath was just trying to see how truthful Jarrod had been with him. But if he told him ‘no’ – and Heath later found out that he DID have enough money – well, that wasn’t an option since he said he’d tell him the truth. So he did.

“Yeah,” Nick said flatly. “Ya’ do.” He took a quick drink. “Ya’ plannin’ on buyin’ that spread?”

“Just – thinkin’ ‘bout all my choices.”

“Only one really good one that I can think of.”

“I guess ya’ would think that. Ya’ grew up there. Ya’ always … planned to be runnin’ that ranch some day,” Heath mused, taking a drink from the bottle he’d been holding close to this chest. “I always wanted to have a ranch of my own, Nick.”

“I always wanted a little brother to help me run the Barkley Ranch,” Nick countered. “S’not a job for one man. I need my little brother there.”

“You’re s’pose to trust your little brother.”

“I trust you.”

“Then why didn’t ya’ ask me what ya wanted to know – steada readin’ that report?” he tipped the bottle up again and Nick took a moment to do the same.

“What I told ya’ about that wasn’t a lie. I thought if Jarrod was the only one who knew what was in it … he’d act like a lawyer insteada yer brother.”

“There must be somethin’ mighty powerful in this bottle, Nick,” Heath held it up and gazed at the liquid inside, “’cause I can usually figure out what yer sayin’ with a little bit of thought … but that don’t make a licka sense to me.”

“Well … it’s like … he’s a lawyer … and he’s our brother…”

“That part I got figured out.”

“…but sometimes … he acts like a lawyer when ya’ want him to be a brother.”

“That’s the part that still don’t make sense to me,” Heath shook his head.

“Well … ya’ know … it’s like I said before.”

“Didn’t make sense then neither,” the blond admitted between gulps.

“Okay…” Nick breathed a deep sigh, “when he’s a lawyer … he can’t tell anyone what he knows ‘bout ya.”

“And that’s a bad thing?”

“It is if telling means I can help ya’ with somethin’ ya’ might forget ya’ need help with.”

“Boy howdy, Nick,” Heath laughed, examining his bottle again, “this IS powerful stuff ‘cause … I ain’t even sure ya’ were speakin’ English just then.”

Nick resisted the urge to slide closer to his blond brother as he said, “A lawyer protects ya’ by NOT tellin’ anyone what he knows. A brother needs to know what’s out there that can hurt ya’.”

“Readin’ that report is what hurt me. There are prob’ly things ya’ know ‘bout me now … that I never told no one. Never woulda told no one neither. Not … not even my brother.”

“Like Carterson?”

Heath’s only answer was to take a long drink.

“Sorry ‘bout what I said,” Nick waited to catch his eyes before saying it.

“Nick … ya’ve said a lotta things ya’ should be sorry ‘bout,” Heath laughed. “Which one are ya’ talkin’ ‘bout?”

“When I asked if ya’d ever been in prison … I thought ya’ were talkin’ ‘bout a town jail or … or somethin’ like that. Didn’t mean ta joke ‘bout it. Ya’ shoulda just told me,” the dark haired cowboy said in an uncharacteristically soft voice.

“Ya’ know how many people I ever told ‘bout that?”

Nick took a drink as he waited for the answer.

“I never told no one,” Heath breathed out.

“Musta told your Mama.”

“The Army told my Mama. I ain’t never told no one,” he repeated.

“Why not?”

Heath summoned some courage from the bottle. “Ya’ got wounded and came home a hero, didn’t ya’, Nick? And Jarrod got the same kinda welcome when he came home. I was stupid enough ta be captured and spend the last seven months of the war sitting in that hellhole. I couldn’t even walk outta there myself – had to be carried. It ain’t nothin’ people wanna hear about. And there ain’t nothin’ heroic ‘bout it,” he took a deep breath and let it out as a weary sigh.

Nick finally moved, crawling over to sit shoulder-to-shoulder next to Heath. “Survivin’ in that hellhole is the most heroic thing I ever heard of,” he told his little brother. “Ya’ were a boy among thousands of men. Not even one man outta ten survived. And YOU did. I can’t even begin to guess what happened to ya’ in there … and I ain’t askin’ ya’ to tell me. But ya’ gotta know … I ain’t never been more proud ta know someone than I am knowin’ you.”

Heath put his head back against a hay bale and started laughing. “Sometimes ya’ got a funny way of showin’ that, Nick.”

“Yeah, I guess…” Nick, too, leaned back against the baled hay. “You know something?” he turned to look at Heath, who’d closed his eyes. “Forgettin’ that he never woulda let ya’ go in the first place – Father woulda been proud of ya’, too.”

Heath was silent for so long that Nick thought he might have fallen asleep. But then, his eyes still closed, he said drowsily, “Somethin’ I gotta tell ya’ ‘bout your father, Nick.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Heath took in a deep breath that he let out slowly. “Your father … he didn’t know ‘bout me.”

Nick waited for more, unsure if he’d heard what he thought he heard. Unsure of what to say in reply. He waited … nudged his brother … and groaned out loud when Heath slid sideways and the almost empty whiskey bottle tumbled out of his hand.

“Father … didn’t know…” Nick frowned, mumbling to himself. He could feel sleep beckoning. The frown relaxed almost into a smile as he settled comfortably into a pile of hay. Father didn’t know. A second whiskey bottle rolled from a limp hand as another tired soul was embraced by slumber.