by MagdalenMary495
Disclaimer: The characters and situations of the TV program
"Big Valley" are the creations of Four Star/Republic Pictures and
have been used without permission. No
copyright infringement is intended by the author. The ideas expressed in this story are copyrighted to the author.
University of California
November 12, 1898
Dear Daddy,
It’s probably a little late to ask you not to be angry over the latest letter
from Dean Williams. You’ve already received it I’m sure and read it while you
stomped up and down in the parlor shouting at Mama about ‘how could she
jeopardize her aspirations in law for a cow.” But it isn’t really as awful as
the Dean made it sound. Could you please just let me explain?
You see, Daddy it wasn’t just any cow. Mr. Cooper, the man who supplies all the
dairy products to the college had a sick cow. He doesn’t have a big herd, not
even half as big as Uncle Heath’s son, Thompson. They’re the prettiest little
Jersey’s you’ve ever seen though and to Mr. Cooper they’re his whole lively
hood.
When he came by the college that day to make a delivery, half sick with worry
over one of the cows and the income he’d lose is she died, well...what would
you have done, Daddy? All I could think about was helping him somehow. Exams
just didn’t seem important when I compared them to a man losing his cow. Her
name is Angela. Isn’t that a silly name for a cow?
Well, anyway...Mr. Cooper started to talk about Angela and before I knew it,
I’d offered to ride out to his farm and just take a look. I thought surely I’d
be back to school in time to take the exams, but you know how it is with a sick
animal. You can’t just make them well and leave on schedule. When I saw Angela,
I knew exactly what was wrong with her. I remembered Uncle Heath and Thompson
working to save Grandma’s cantankerous old, Buttercup so I knew exactly what to
do. Mr. Cooper and I saved Angela’s life. Don’t you think that’s important,
Daddy? More important than the exams?
I knew how disappointed you’d be in me and I’m sorry. When I received the
letter from you last week I felt even worse. You wrote it before Dean Williams
letter had time to reach you and you kept telling me how proud you were of me,
how I should buckle down this new term and do my best to make my dreams come
true. With the first day of the new term starting soon (tomorrow, in fact), I
can’t help thinking of what you said.
I want you to be proud of me, Daddy. Truly. It’s one reason I chose to come to
law school. I knew how much you always dreamed of having Barkley and Barkley
written in gold leaf on your office window, of having one of your children
follow in your footsteps. I didn’t want to disappoint you. Ever. Or make you
think I’ve failed or haven’t seen it through like a true Barkley would.
Daddy, you wrote I should be grateful for living in times when women are
allowed to enter law school. That I should be glad I’ve got the ambition to
reach for my dream. You told me I should keep sight of where I want my life to
take me and chart a straight course in that direction. I’ve been thinking about
that quite a bit since your letter came. Each time I think about your letter,
all your hopes and dreams for my future, a little voice inside keeps whispering
for me to tell you the truth.
Remember the locket you and Mama gave me when I turned sixteen? You had it
engraved, “To Thine Own Self Be True,’ because we both loved Shakespeare so
much. I wear that locket every day and I keep reading that inscription for
courage to tell you what needs to be said. I don’t want to stay here. If I’ve
just broken your heart, Daddy, I’m so very, very sorry. I love you so much. I
don’t ever want to hurt you or cause you even the slightest pain...but I can’t
do this. As much as I love you, I can’t follow your dream instead of mine.
The only reason I love the law is you, Daddy. All those times I went to watch
you in court or went to keep you company in your office; helping you sort out
your files for a case or digging through all those dusty old books for
precedents it was because I wanted to be with you. I almost talked myself into
thinking if I became a lawyer it would be like that all the time. But the more
I thought about it like you told me too, the more I realized a very important
truth. It isn’t so much the law I love, it’s watching how passionately you love
it.
I love being with you in the courtroom, watching you pace in front of the jury
with your hands in your vest pocket. Or the way your smile quirks up on one
side and you raise your left eyebrow when you’ve caught a witness in a lie. I
love the way your mind pulls out one question after another in the most logical
order as you reel in a witness like a fish on a line. Don’t try to deny it,
Daddy. Ask Mama. She’s seen you do it too. I love how you use the law to help
people and how often you’re willing to bend the rules to make sure the law
serves the people instead of the other way around. And don’t deny it...you’ve
often told us you’re no saint.
I imagine the first reason I began to spend so much time with you was because I
was spoiled enough not to want to share you with anyone else in the family.
Once you and Mama added all those brothers and sisters into the family , it was
hard to get you alone. I love all six of them dearly, Daddy, but dirty
darn...it sure was hard to learn to share. Did you ever know how jealous I was
once I was too big to sit in your lap and dig through your pocket for lemon
drops like the little ones? I wanted you all to myself again. Then you started
letting me come to your office to help you. You’d read out loud from those law
books, your eyes shining as you explained some subtle point of the law to me.
It all sounded so fine and good and noble that I began to think maybe I could
love it as you did. I can’t. I love your passion for the law, Daddy, but I
can’t follow in your footsteps. If I do, I’m not being true to me.
I tried, Daddy. I truly did. Will you understand?
Remember when you told me Grandpa always wanted you to become a rancher? How he
wanted you to follow in his footsteps? I’m sorry to disappoint you. Will you
forgive me if I do the same thing to you. .I don’t want to be a lawyer. There.
I said it. The sky didn’t fall, although I’m sure your heart is breaking just a
tad.
I guess you know what’s coming next. My heart’s with the ranch Daddy. It always
has been ever since I was a little girl. Remember when Uncle Nick would put me
up on Coco and take me riding over the ranch.. We’d ride and ride and ride and
he’d say , “This is Barkley land, girl, let it fill your heart and your mind.”
Well, Daddy, it did. The land saturates my thoughts and my spirit. It fills me
with the desire to own it, work it, to be part of it and see it grow.
I’ve learned something from being here although not to love the law. When I’m
away from the ranch I’m impatient to get back to it. When I’m away too long I
feel like a leaf, curling up to die. I can’t wait to come home and be a part of
it all again. Uncle Heath would say the Barkley land is in my blood. Maybe he’s
right. Helping Mr. Cooper’s silly old cow, Angela, gave me more satisfaction
than I could ever find giving a closing argument to a jury. I know now if I’m
ever to be true to myself, I have to come home.
Oh, I know you’re shouting at Mama by now, telling her what the Dean said about
my “brilliance,” my wit and wisdom and how I could be a fine lawyer if I only
tried. Would you think me a failure if I don’t try Daddy. If I don’t see it
through? .I’m not happy here. I’ve tried, truly I have. I know how much you
want this for me. Would it be alright if I do what’s right for me instead?
You’ve got a couple of fine sons now. Sometimes, I catch a little glimpse of
the lawyer in them. Even some of Uncle Nick’s sons are more suited to be here
than I am. Maybe one day your dream will come true and you can have “Barkley
& Barkley” after all.
Tomorrow is the first day of the term Daddy. I’m already packed and I’m
leaving. I hope...could you please find it in your heart to forgive me? I’m
sorry I can’t be the daughter you wanted me to be. Could you please meet my
train and tell me you love me anyway?
Your loving daughter,
Jenny
Jarrod handed the letter to his perplexed wife. She’d watched him read the
letter, alarmed by the sadness on his face. Reading it quickly, her heart ached
for both father and daughter. Jenny had expressed doubts about going to law
school in many of her letters home. Offering what motherly advice she could
give to her stepdaughter, she’d urged her to speak the truth to her father. She
was glad Jenny had found the courage.
“What are you going to do?”
Jarrod gave her a wry smile. “What is there to do? I’m going to meet her train
and tell her I understand.”
“You knew, didn’t you?” She could tell by the way he calmly sat beside her, reaching
to take her hand, “You knew all along she wouldn’t stay.”
“I hoped. She’d make a fine lawyer.” Jarrod sighed, not as hurt at giving up
his dreams for Jenny as he thought he’d be. “But, I know her heart’s with the
ranch. Heath’s right, the land is in her blood. She’s never going to be happy
anywhere else, doing anything else. I’ll ride over there in the morning and
tell Nick and Heath to expect her in about a week.”
At his wife’s questioning look, he explained, “If she’s going to be a rancher,
she couldn’t have two finer teachers. As soon as Miss Jennifer Victoria Barkley
gets home, she’s going back to school. The Nicholas Barkley school for Working
Ranchers.”