by Marci S.
Disclaimer: The characters and situations of the TV program
"Big Valley" are the creations of Four Star/Republic Pictures and
have been used without permission. No
copyright infringement is intended by the author. The ideas expressed in this story are copyrighted to the author.
Heath entered the study expecting to find his mother awake;
he was somewhat surprised to see her still in bed. He stood motionless as he
watched her sleep, her labored breaths mixed with moans and an occasional
cough. He knew she was getting worse; he’d heard the whisperings when they
thought he wasn’t around. His father had asked how long but the doctor refused
to answer.
Suddenly, last night Nick had approached him and suggested he work less and
spend more time with his mother. He didn’t want to but he wasn’t sure how to
say that without sounding like a callous son. It scared him to see her; she
looked like a stranger though he knew his mother was still there, lingering in
a decaying body.
“Heath…” The hoarse voice brought Heath back and he blinked twice before gazing
into his mother’s face. “My pain…medicine.” A weak hand rose and pointed
towards the desk where the tonic sat. Heath rushed over there and grabbed the
bottle but it was empty. He ran out of the room, almost running into Victoria.
“It’s empty.” He held the bottle up and Victoria took it.
“Ben just filled it two days ago” Victoria quietly said, and then noticed the
horrid look on the boy’s face. “Heath, it’s ok. The medicine won’t hurt her.”
She didn’t add that Leah wouldn’t be alive long enough for the drug to have an
addicting effect. “Heath, go to town and get it filled, ok?”
“I guess.” His eyes lingered on the study door.
“I’ll stay with your mother.” Shoulders slumped with a heavy burden; he turned
and walked out of the house.
“Where are you going?” Nick had just ridden up and watched as Heath sauntered
past without as much as a greeting. Nick jumped off of his horse and grabbed
Heath’s arm before the boy reached the stable.
“I asked you a question.” He turned Heath around, surprised by the tears in his
younger brother’s eyes.
“Heath, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing!” He pulled free. “I have to get more medicine.” Nick waited while
Heath saddled his horse and then he mounted and followed the blonde boy.
“I didn’t ask you to come with.”
“You don’t have to.” Nick pulled up beside his brother. “Heath, I’m sorry…”
“Don’t.” Heath cut him off abruptly. “Nick, I don’t want to be there. I don’t want
to see her like this…I want to work. Don’t make me stay home tomorrow…please.”
He momentarily stopped his horse.
“Heath I thought…” Nick shrugged his shoulders. “Don’t you want to spend time
with your mother?”
“No! Yes! I don’t know.” Heath groaned loudly. “It’s too hard to see her like
this. I can’t spend all day at home, I’ll go crazy.” Heath kicked the horse and
took off at a leisurely pace, Nick always at his side. A few times Nick tried
to strike up a conversation but it was apparent that Heath didn’t want to talk
and eventually Nick gave up and they rode the rest of the way in silence. They
walked into the doctor’s office to find Jarrod and Ben engaged in a lively
conversation.
“I said no and that’s final.” Ben turned to see the two boys standing in the
doorway. “What are you two doing here?” he gruffly asked. “I don’t want to hear
about San Francisco, it’s not a good idea.” Though it had been a week since the
fishing trip, this had been the first time that Jarrod had been able to sneak
away and plan the surprise they had for their parents.
“But I bought the tickets.”
“Then you wasted your money.” Ben faced Jarrod. “I know your parents and
they’re not going to leave right now, not while…”
“My mother is about to die” Heath finished for the shocked doctor.
“Heath, that’s not what I was going to say.”
“Yeah it is.” He took the bottle from his jacket pocket. “She needs more
medicine.” He tossed it at Ben and then ran out of the office. Nick started
after him but was stopped by his older brother.
“Let him go.”
“Why? He shouldn’t be alone.”
“He’s not.” Jarrod said, keeping a firm hold on Nick’s arm. “Give him a little
time and then we’ll go find him.” He turned his attention back to the old
doctor. “If our parents agree, will you spend a few nights at the house?”
“They won’t” Ben insisted, much to Jarrod’s exasperation. Quickly the doctor
filled the bottle with a clear liquid and handed it to Jarrod. “Tell your
father I’ll be by tonight to check on Leah.”
“Doc, are you going somewhere?” Nick noticed a stack of boxes against the wall.
“Back east, to live with my daughter” the doctor answered.
“When?” Jarrod quickly asked, eliciting a small sigh from Ben.
“When I’m not needed here any longer,” he replied.
“You mean, after Heath’s mother dies” Nick retorted. “How long does she have?”
Having heard that question numerous times in the past few days Ben exploded at
the dark haired young man.
“I don’t know” Ben yelled between deep breaths. “It could be tomorrow or it
could be two months from now. I can’t pinpoint her death for you.”
“Some doctor” Nick muttered under his breath.
“Nick.” Jarrod’s voice warned as he hit his brother’s chest with his hat. Any
hope that the doctor hadn’t heard vanished when Ben opened his mouth.
“Don’t sass me boy.” Ben shoved his finger into Nick’s chest. “I’ve lost more
patients then I care to remember and each one hurts as much as the one before.
And when it happens to people you care about…” Ben paused, clearly shaken by
his outburst. “Stop critiquing my skills and go take care of your brother.”
Neither Jarrod nor Nick budged.
“Get out before I forget I like you!”
“Nick, let’s go.” Jarrod found his voice first and dragged his reluctant
brother out of the office.
“Jarrod, I didn’t mean…”
“Shut up!” Jarrod whispered as he closed the door behind him. “Let’s go find
Heath,” he added before Nick could open his mouth. “Nick, some day you’re going
to learn to control that mouth of yours.” Jarrod was still chastising him when
they found Heath sitting on the steps of the general store and flanked him,
each sitting on one side.
“You ok?” Jarrod asked. Heath shrugged as he rested his chin on his hand. Over
his lowered head Nick and Jarrod exchanged worried glances.
“We need a diversion,” Jarrod quietly said, as he eyed the saloon across the
street. It was too early to drink but he could sense how down his brothers were
and thought a game of pool might brighten their moods. “Let’s go.” Jarrod
stood, while pulling Heath to his feet. “Come on Nick.” Still stinging from the
doctor’s words, Nick slowly stood and trailed his brothers as they headed
towards the bar.
* * * * * * * *
Nick watched as his father repeated the same motions over
and over…he’d take two steps to his right, stop, face his sons while touching
his chin, go back the other way and touch his chin again. He’d been doing it
for over ten minutes and Nick thought his father was watching him the most.
Maybe it was because he was standing between his brothers or because he had the
most cuts and scratches on his face. Whatever the reason Nick was getting
antsy, though his discomfort was nothing compared to what Heath was going
through. His younger brother was standing to his left and he was nervously
shifting his feet, occasionally bumping into his brother’s arm. Nick felt for
the kid; he’d never seen their father as mad as he was at that moment.
“Father…” Jarrod attempted to break the silence, though his words were quickly
cut short by his father’s stern look.
“Don’t!” Tom aimed a warning finger at his oldest son. “Don’t say anything
that’s going to make me angrier than I am.” He glanced at each son,
scrutinizing each face. Another minute passed while he paced back and forth.
“When I left this morning you two had a job to do and you were supposed to be
spending time with your mother. Imagine my surprise when I was called to town
to bail my sons out of jail.” Tom allowed an exasperated chuckle to escape as
he glanced over his shoulder at his wife.
“How could you destroy a saloon like that?”
“But father…”
“Nick!” Tom hissed. “I don’t want to hear any excuses.” His gaze lingered on
his eldest son. “Jarrod I expected more…no I expected more from all of you.”
“Tom, Heath did go to town to get more medicine for his mother” Victoria put
forth.
“And I went with to keep him company” Nick quickly added before his father
could demand his silence.
“Jarrod, what were you doing in town?”
At first the eldest remained quiet, debating if he should mention the planned
surprise for their parents. He was embarrassed by what had happened and knew
the blame should lie on his shoulders…going to the saloon had been a stupid
idea, though it sounded great when he had thought of it.
“We thought it would be good if you and mother took a trip together, away from
all of us but Ben thought it was a bad idea. He said you wouldn’t leave right
now and we were discussing it when these two walked in.” Jarrod motioned
towards his brothers.
“I was angry because I had already bought the tickets, Heath was upset about
his mother and Nick…well Nick opened his big mouth again and Ben let him have
it…ouch!” Jarrod jumped when Nick elbowed him in the side.
“It’s true” Jarrod insisted, glaring at Nick. “I thought a game of pool, and
that’s all it was, would cheer everyone up.”
“And then these three big guys challenged us to a game” Heath excitedly said,
“and we whipped them fair and square but they said Nick cheated and he didn’t
and then the fight started.”
“I didn’t cheat” Nick quietly interjected, though no one thought that he had.
“Father, they had Nick on the floor and I had to help him. I tried to keep
Heath out of it but I was too busy trying to free Nick to see what he was
doing.” Jarrod shrugged. “Next thing I knew the sheriff was shooting his gun
and we were being dragged to jail.”
Tom listened to his sons and slowly, though not completely, his anger abated.
Hearing of the trip pleased and embarrassed him at the same time. Had it been
that obvious that they were having trouble? He and Victoria had always tried to
keep their problems from their children but it obviously wasn’t the case this
time. But Ben was right. He had left town just recently when he shouldn’t have
and he wasn’t about to make the same mistake twice.
Tom knew his children were watching him and Victoria was still standing there,
impatiently by now as she waited to clean up her son’s cuts. He took a deep
breath and then placed his arm around his wife.
“Ben is right. I do appreciate you thinking about us, but we’ll be fine and we
don’t need to leave to solve our problems.” He glanced sideways and saw his
wife nodding, pleased that she was agreeing with him. “I am not happy with the
three of you in a bar and fighting but I do understand how it happened…and I’d
expect nothing less than to come to a brother’s aid. Let your mother clean your
cuts and then after lunch, I expect all three of you in the fields. Tomorrow,
you’ll be at that saloon at sunrise to help them clean it up. Any questions?”
Tom eyed each son but no one spoke up.
“Good!” He abruptly walked out leaving them alone with their mother and that
awful smelling medicine they all knew too well.
“Who’s first?” she asked.
“Heath” Nick and Jarrod said in unison, pushing their little brother towards
their mother.
“Thanks guys” Heath sarcastically muttered, as he closed his eyes and braced
himself for the ointment that hurt worse than the cuts. He pulled away twice
before she touched him, much to the amusement of his brothers. A half hour
later all three were done and she sent them to the kitchen to get something to
eat. She was surprised when Tom walked up behind her and placed his arms around
her, holding her tight.
“We have good children,” Tom whispered.
“Yes, we do.” She turned and faced him. “I’m ashamed that they feel we need time
away to fix our problems. Tom we don’t need to leave here to solve things. We
need to talk and really listen to each other.”
“I know.” Tom sighed and then lightly kissed his wife. “You name the time and
place and I’ll be there.” They heard a crash coming from the kitchen and turned
their attention that way.
“Make it some place child free” Tom muttered as they walked towards the
kitchen, their son’s voices growing louder as an argument broke out about a
dropped plate of food. Suddenly Tom stopped.
“Let them work it out. I have a saddlebag with a couple of sandwiches and a
canteen of water and all the quiet we need. Care to join me?”
“Sounds perfect.” The two adults quickly snuck out of the house and basked in
the bright sunshine and peaceful quiet of the outdoors.
* * * * * * * *
It was near midnight when Nick woke up and heard footsteps
in the hallway. Knowing it was Heath he quickly dressed and rushed out of the room,
finding the blonde boy sitting on the steps, leaning heavily against the rail.
“Hey, did you have a nightmare?” Nick sat down, close to his brother.
“No” Heath quietly answered. “I can’t fall asleep. Nick, if I tell you
something, promise me you won’t tell anybody.”
“Sure Heath.” Lightly Nick tapped his brother’s leg. “You can tell me
anything.”
“I’m scared Nick. More scared than I’ve ever been, even in that stinking
prison.” As he spoke, Heath leaned his head against the rail, closing his eyes
tightly.
“I know.” Nick reached over and gently rubbed the back of Heath’s neck, unsure
of what else to say. He couldn’t imagine what was going through his brother’s
mind; he was four years older and the thought of losing either parent was too
overwhelming to even think about.
“Heath, it’s ok to be scared. Anything you need me to do for you, I will.”
Heath opened his eyes and turned, staring at his brother. “Let me go back to
work with you. I’ll spend time with my mama at night…I promise.”
“OK.” Nick smiled weakly, running a hand through Heath’s hair. “We need to get
up early…think you can sleep?” Heath shrugged.
“Can I sleep on your floor?” he quietly asked.
“If you promise to stay on your side and not hog the blankets, you can sleep in
my bed, ok?” Heath nodded and allowed Nick to pull him to his feet.
“Nick, don’t tell anybody. I don’t want them to think I’m a baby.”
“You’re not a baby.” Nick guided the younger boy into his room.
“No snoring either” Nick demanded.
“I don’t snore” Heath insisted as he jumped into bed.
“How do you know?” Nick asked. “You can’t hear yourself when you sleep, can
you?”
Heath started to open his mouth but thought better of it. For a few minutes
they were quiet and Nick hoped Heath had fallen asleep. He reached up and
lowered the light; hoping sleep would come soon for him too.
“Nick, what happens when you die?” Nick’s eyes shot open.
“I don’t know” Nick honestly answered. “Heath, it’s something I try not to
think about.”
“It’s all I think about” Heath admitted, his voice cracking. Nick reached up
and turned the light back on, not surprised to see Heath’s eyes opened and
tears spilling down his cheeks.
“I’m ok” the younger boy spit out. “Turn the light off.” Nick complied with his
brother’s wish and then settled back down, a little bit closer to Heath this
time.
“Heath, things will look better in the morning.” It was something Nick often
said to Eugene after one of the child’s nightmares. He reached out and draped
his arm over Heath’s chest, half expecting his brother to protest the
closeness…but none came.
“Goodnight little brother.” Nick closed his eyes, though he was still up when
he heard the even breathing of his brother and knew Heath had fallen asleep.
Nick sighed and turned slightly to get more comfortable, and soon he was
sleeping also.
From across the table Jarrod scrutinized his younger brother
as he picked at his dinner. Nick was quiet, much too quiet and it was obvious
by his appearance that he hadn’t slept much lately. He repeatedly said he was
fine but Jarrod didn’t believe him and was determined to discover what was
bothering him. It took some convincing but finally Nick had agreed to dinner in
town though he hardly ate anything.
“Nick, you want another drink?” Jarrod had hoped alcohol would make Nick
talkative but even after two drinks, he hadn’t said more than ten words.
“Nick, something’s eating at you and I’d like to know what.”
“I’m fine.” Nick dropped his fork and pushed his plate away. He glanced briefly
over at Jarrod before turning his attention to a couple arguing at the next
table.
“I know this has something to do with Heath” Jarrod quietly said. “I’d like to
help if you’ll let me.” At the mention of their younger brother, Nick flinched
slightly.
“But I promised” Nick said, sighing in the process. It had been a rough week
since he’d encountered Heath on the staircase and at times, he felt he was the
only one who knew how bad off his brother really was. But a promise was a
promise and Nick was determined to keep his word.
“Heath is my brother too.” Jarrod watched his conflicted brother shift
nervously in his chair. “I don’t know what Heath asked of you but I don’t think
he wants you to suffer like you are. Nick, you look awful and you keep going on
like this you’re going to hurt yourself on the ranch.”
Nick’s eyes widened, the dark circles underneath becoming more visible. He
yawned, feeling tired from his alcohol consumption. He saw the concerned look
in Jarrod’s eyes and he wanted to confide in him. Jarrod was the kind of big
brother Nick tried to be. He was someone Nick could count on, even when he was
far away at school.
“Remember when I broke my legs?” Jarrod nodded.
“You came all the way from San Francisco to help me cope in that damn bed.”
Jarrod nodded again, smiling slightly as he recalled all the games he invented
to keep Nick from going stir crazy. “Nick, what’s your point?”
“I’m trying to be like you. I want to help Heath but I don’t think I’m doing a
good job…”
“Nick, stop right there.” Jarrod tapped the table with his fingers. “You are a
fantastic big brother and Heath trusts you and confides in you and that’s
great…I just don’t think he realizes what he’s asking of you. Nick, let me help
Heath also, ok?”
“How do you think Heath is doing?” Nick quietly asked. Jarrod thought that
over, shrugging slightly before answering.
“Considering everything, ok I guess.”
“He’s not,” Nick quickly countered. “He gets through the days alright but the
nights are real bad.”
“Nick, what are you talking about?” Jarrod couldn’t recall the last time Heath
had one of his nightmares that woke the whole house.
“He doesn’t want anyone to know but he’s been sleeping in my bed…when he
sleeps.” Nick paused. “Jarrod, he’s real scared and he’s talking in his sleep
and I’ve been staying awake to keep his nightmares away.” Nick suddenly
realized how late it was. “We better get back…”
“Whoa!” Jarrod stood and then forced Nick back in his seat. “I’m paying for
that food and you’re gonna eat it.”
“It’s cold” Nick protested.
“That’s your fault. Eat it.” Jarrod sat, trying hard to keep a smile off of his
face, as he watched Nick eat a few bites of what used to be a tasty piece of
meat.
“Nick, you remember what the doc said. Leah could live another couple of months
and you sure can’t spend all that time watching Heath sleep.”
“What am I supposed to do?” Nick asked, his mouth full. “Jarrod, I gotta help
him and it’s the only way I know how.”
“We’ll help him” Jarrod emphatically said, and then silently pondered just how
to do that. He didn’t know Heath as well as Nick did and that was a problem he
hoped to remedy soon.
“Nick, describe Heath for me.” Jarrod’s request surprised himself as much as it
did his brother. Nick stared at him, mouth agape, trying to decide if Jarrod
was being sincere.
“You’re closer to him than anybody else” Jarrod explained, when it was obvious
Nick thought he was joking. “How would you describe Heath?” Nick thought back
over the nearly five months that Heath had been with them. It was true, he had
developed a special bond with Heath during that time, but he wasn’t sure he
really knew his blonde brother. Not like he knew his other siblings. With them,
this question would have brought a quick response, not the uncertainty that
Nick found himself muddled in. He felt Jarrod’s eyes watching him, as he waited
impatiently for an answer.
“Jarrod, you remember them strays that Audra was always bring home?” Jarrod
nodded, recalling all the small animals that lived on the Barkley ranch. He
smiled slightly, picturing his parents’ exasperated faces as they gave in to
Audra’s hysterics once again. Of course Eugene was always at her side, the two
of them easily won over by anything furry with four legs.
“Jarrod, you listening to me?”
“Yeah! Go on!” Jarrod took a sip of his water, avoiding Nick’s angry gaze.
“I was saying” Nick began loudly, “he’s like one of them stray animals. They
watch everything you do, always from a safe distance. Even when you feed them,
you have to keep a certain distance before they go near the food.” Nick clasped
his hands together. “But when they let their guard down, they’re yours
completely. They waited so long for someone to be nice to them they attach
themselves to you.”
“You think Heath is like that?” Jarrod frowned. He had never thought of his
little brother in that respect.
“Sort of.” Nick’s confidence lessened with the look on his brother’s face.
“Yeah I do,” he added more boldly. “Jarrod, he craves attention, though it’s
not obvious like Eugene. He wants it but he won’t ask. He was always watching
me with Eugene and I’d catch him watching…and he was just so sad.” Nick smiled
weakly. “I’d tease him and say he was the perfect height for me to rest my hand
on his head and I’d wait for him to pull away, but he didn’t. Jarrod, he told
me something a couple of nights ago that scared me.” Nick sighed, momentarily
playing with his fork. Jarrod saw fear in his brother’s eyes and that worried
him; not much scared his reckless brother.
“Nick, what is it?” he gently asked.
“Normally I’d put my arm over him cause I knew he felt safer that way but that
day I wrestled with that stupid fence post and I was sore and I could barely
lift my arms. We couldn’t have been in bed for more than ten minutes when I
felt his hand touch my arm.” Nick shivered, that night once again fresh in his
mind.
“Jarrod, that’s the first time I ever remember him reaching out to me. He
accepts anything I give him but he’s never reached out before and asked for
comfort. I glanced sideways but it was dark and I couldn’t see his face. I knew
he was crying and his voice confirmed it a few minutes later.” Nick dropped his
fork as he rested his elbows on the table, cupping his chin with his hands. His
eyes were watery but his voice was still strong, though the pain was evident in
each word he said.
“He said please Nick I think I’m drowning.” Suddenly the voices around them
disappeared. It was just two brothers alone and the mounting fear they felt for
Heath.
“Jarrod, I didn’t know what to do. Finally I just pulled him close and he
bawled like a baby, hiding his face against my shoulder. Don’t you see?” Nick
asked, his voice starting to match his eyes.
“He can’t be alone at night. He’s got so much in his head that I’m
afraid…Jarrod, he’s talked about dying before. All it takes is one night when
I’m not there and we’re going to lose him and I don’t want that.”
“We won’t lose him.” Jarrod started to feel antsy as he motioned the waitress
over and quickly paid for their meals. They ran out of the little restaurant
and mounted their horses; the ride home seeming farther than it had ever been
before. Jarrod worried the whole way; praying that his need to help one brother
wasn’t going to cost him his other brother. From the distance he could see the
house was dark but his father sometimes stayed up late and he hoped this was
one of those nights. They tied their horses up and ran in to the still house. A
glance of the staircase showed no sign of the blonde boy and Nick headed for
the second floor.
“Quiet” Jarrod whispered before they ascended the stairs. A search of the
bedrooms found nothing so they headed back down.
“Nick, take it easy.” Jarrod didn’t feel much better as he tried to qualm his
brother’s fears. “I’m sure he’s in the house somewhere.”
“Let’s check the kitchen,” Nick suggested before running that way. Inside they
found nothing and Nick was about to follow Jarrod out when he saw something out
of the corner of his eyes.
“Heath” he whispered and then ran to the corner where his brother was. Jarrod
quickly followed and they both fell to their knees.
“Heath!” Up close they could see the blood running from his hand and the broken
glass scattered around him. Dull blue eyes stared up accusingly.
“Nick, where were you?” Those words ripped through Nick’s heart as he stared
pitifully at his older brother.
“Heath, what happened?” Jarrod asked as he took out his bandana and wrapped it
around the boy’s hand. It was too dark to see much and Jarrod didn’t want to
poke in case there was glass sticking in the flesh.
“I was shaking and I thought a drink would help but I couldn’t hold the glass
and I squeezed too tight and it broke…”
Both Jarrod and Nick felt a huge relief to hear it was only an accident and
Heath hadn’t tried to hurt himself.
“Nick, go upstairs and get the medicine and bandages and be quiet about it. We
don’t want to wake anyone up. Wait Nick!” Jarrod added before his brother left
the room. “Bring a bottle of brandy and a glass also.” He saw the quizzical
look on Nick’s face but Jarrod didn’t bother elaborating.
“OK Heath, let’s get you out of here.” Carefully he lifted Heath, pleased that
the boy was a bit heavier than the last time he had carried him. He took him to
the family room and sat on the sofa with Heath on his lap. He expected the boy
to protest yet when he didn’t, he thought about what Nick had told him. Jarrod
wrapped his arms tightly around Heath and held the boy’s head to his chest, his
hand gently running through the blonde hair. At first he felt Heath’s body
shaking, but as the minutes passed, he became calmer…though it worried Jarrod
that he accepted being held so easily.
“How is he?” Nick returned and he glanced at Heath’s face; his eyes were open
but unseeing.
“Nick, turn the light up and then pour a little brandy in the glass.” Nick
quickly obeyed; eager to take orders in a situation he wasn’t sure how to fix.
“Help him drink it” Jarrod said and then lifted Heath’s head as Nick brought
the glass to the boy’s lips.
“Good boy” Jarrod’s voice soothed as Heath’s intake of breath indicated that he
had swallowed the alcohol. “Check his hand. Nick be careful, look for any
pieces of glass that could be imbedded.” Nick nodded as he lowered himself to
the floor and gently removed the piece of damp cloth. There was a lot of blood
but it only seemed to be flowing from one cut; Nick examined the hand but
didn’t find any pieces of glass remaining.
“I don’t think it’s that bad” he said as he wiped the blood away and held a
clean cloth over the wound. The alcohol had the right effect on Heath and he
didn’t flinch when Nick placed the ointment on his hand. A couple of times Nick
glanced at Heath but his younger brother didn’t give any indication that he was
awake, even though his eyes were open.
“Nick, how about pouring us a drink?” Jarrod asked once Nick was finished
bandaging Heath’s hand.
“Gladly” Nick spit out as he rushed to get more glasses. He poured a bit too
much into each glass but Jarrod didn’t say anything as they both silently
nursed their drinks.
“I think he’s sleeping” Nick remarked a few minutes later when another glance
at Heath showed the boy’s eyes were closed.
“I know.” Jarrod could feel the even breathing the child emitted.
“Now what?” Nick settled back on the sofa.
“We tell father…”
“We can’t” Nick loudly interrupted. “It’s bad enough that I told you. If we
tell father, Heath won’t forgive us.”
“Nick, lower your voice or we won’t have to tell anyone. This is not something
to play with. I would never have known how bad off Heath is if you hadn’t told
me. He seems so fine during the day.” Jarrod looked down at his hand, which
still caressed the child’s head. But he wasn’t fine, that was obvious by the
way he allowed Jarrod to hold him and how easily he fell asleep in the safe
haven of his brother’s arms.
“Nick, I was thinking about what you said and about conversations I’ve had with
Leah. His mother loves him but she wasn’t around much when he was growing up.
He spent a lot of time alone in Strawberry and in that prison. He doesn’t know
the security that comes with a family and he doesn’t feel it unless we
physically touch him. Think about it” Jarrod forcibly said.
“He’s fine during the day when he’s busy and he doesn’t have time to think too
hard. But at nighttime, he’s alone even if we’re in the room next to him. Nick,
he was in your bed and he had to reach out and grasp your arm, afraid that he
was going to drown. It’s not something we can handle alone…”
“Try convincing him” Nick interjected, pointing a finger at his slumbering
brother. “Is this because his mother’s dying?” Nick quietly asked.
“I don’t know” Jarrod responded, his voice equally quiet. His grip around Heath
tightened. “Maybe he doesn’t feel our love yet and he feels he’s losing the
only family he has in the world.”
“Nonsense” Nick blurted. “How can he not know we love him? How do we make him
know it?” He glanced sideways, at the peaceful look on Heath’s face.
“Jarrod, that’s not the answer. He’s gotta really be hurting to allow you to
hold him so easily.”
“Short-term maybe” Jarrod agreed. “Nick, I don’t have the answers right now. He
seems to like his space…”
“No he doesn’t” Nick quickly interrupted. “He’s a loner but he doesn’t like to
be alone. Jarrod does that make any sense?”
“Like your strays” Jarrod remarked. “He’s like this cause that’s all he knows.
He’s only been able to count on himself but that won’t help this time and we
have to make him see that.”
“How?” Nick asked.
“By keeping him close” Jarrod answered, his blue eyes peering at the blonde
boy. “Nick, we have to be subtle. What he accepts at night, he won’t take
during the day but we’ll only get through to him when his mind is right. His
thoughts are so muddled right now I doubt he even remembers this in the
morning.”
“I hope he doesn’t” Nick said. “I wouldn’t want to if I were him. God Jarrod.”
Nick paused, hugging himself tightly. “This is driving me crazy. Five months
ago we didn’t know he existed and now I’d do anything to help him. It hurts so
much to see him like this.”
“I know.” Jarrod reached over and rested his hand on Nick’s arm. “We’ll get
through to him. Nick, we have to do this carefully but quickly. If his mother
dies and he doesn’t truly feel our love I think we’ll lose him forever.” Jarrod
heard Nick’s sharp intake.
“What do I do?” Nick quickly asked.
“Just keep doing what you have been. Give him the attention he craves; wrestle
with him, rest your hand on his head. Nick, that’s all we can do and hopefully
that little wall he’s hiding behind will slowly fall.”
“And, if it doesn’t?”
Then we lose him Jarrod silently thought but refused to voice. “It will” Jarrod
said with all the confidence he could muster. “Nick, you need some sleep. Get a
blanket for Heath and then go up to bed.”
“I’d rather stay here,” Nick stated firmly.
“Go to bed” Jarrod ordered, an edge in his voice. “I’m only staying down here
until I’m sure he’s sound to sleep and then I’ll carry him up to my bed. Now
go!” Nick bristled slightly at the tone of his brother but he was so grateful
that Jarrod was taking charge in this situation he would have done anything his
big brother asked of him. He stood, careful to not jostle the sofa and came
back a few minutes later with a blanket that he covered his brothers with. Nick
stood there, watching Heath sleep. He felt better than he had for a week and
knew confiding in Jarrod was the reason for his renewed spirits.
“Jarrod!” His brother looked up. “Thank you” Nick quietly said, before walking
away. He missed the smile that spread over Jarrod’s face as his arms came out
from underneath the blanket and he secured the blanket around Heath’s form. He
lowered his face and gently kissed the boy’s head.
“Heath, this is a might fine family you belong too” Jarrod whispered. “All you
have to do is let us in…truly let us in to your soul.” Jarrod chuckled softly,
grateful that no one was listening. “Losing you would hurt too much and I’m not
about to see that happen.” Inwardly Jarrod made a promise…that when he went off
to school in the fall the whole family would go with him including Heath.
“Got that little brother? There’s so much you need to see and do…and so much
your big brothers are going to teach you.” Jarrod leaned his head back and
silently listened to Heath’s even breathing. He willed himself to stay awake,
afraid of the ruckus it would cause if they were found sleeping on the sofa.
Heath’s secret would no longer be a secret if Eugene discovered them…that was a
given.
“Heath, I’m tired.” Slowly Jarrod stood, the dead weight of his sleeping
brother almost too much for him to handle. “You are gaining weight,” he
muttered, grimacing as he slowly attacked the stairs. In his bedroom he placed
Heath on the bed and then changed clothes before joining his brother in bed.
“Goodnight Heath” Jarrod whispered before turning to his side and shutting off
the light. After listening to Heath’s even breathing for over an hour he
finally allowed himself to relax and slowly he too drifted off to sleep.
Jarrod had been wrong, so wrong. He had awakened to Heath
thrashing around in bed and tried to calm him down…but waking his brother had
only made it worse. Heath’s eyes opened to an unfamiliar room and an unfamiliar
brother and he struggled as Jarrod engulfed him in his arms. He kept his hand
near Heath’s mouth but thankfully the boy didn’t scream, though he continued
his silent struggle.
“Heath!” Jarrod continued whispering in his ear, hoping his voice would get
through the demons inside his brother.
“He told you” Heath cried out, pushing Jarrod away. “He promised.” Another
round ensued as Heath tried to leave the room and Jarrod wouldn’t let him. He
wasn’t going to let him run because he feared how far the boy would go. For the
first time since Heath arrived Jarrod berated himself for standing to the side,
for allowing Nick to bond so strongly with this new brother and not stepping in
and being the older brother he had always been in the past. He didn’t begrudge
the relationship Nick and Heath had, he hurt deeply for the brother in his arms
that didn’t cry out for his help.
“Heath, listen to me.” Jarrod wrestled Heath to the floor and managed to secure
the boy in a headlock. He had heard about Heath’s rage but had hoped to never
experience it firsthand, extremely grateful only a few minutes later when the
fight left the boy’s body and he leaned limply against Jarrod. Gently Jarrod
lifted his brother until they were both seated, leaning against the bed. Their
heavy breathing was the only sound heard in the quiet room.
“Heath, let me in.” Jarrod reached over and gently rubbed the back of Heath’s
neck.
“You’d be amazed at how good of a brother I can be.” Jarrod’s voice pleaded and
slowly he felt the tension leave his brother.
“He promised” Heath repeated, as the realization hit Jarrod…just how much
Nick’s word meant to his little brother.
“I know he did.” Jarrod rested his hand on Heath’s shoulder. “And it was so
hard for him to break that promise, but he had to. Heath, I know he seems so
much bigger and older than you but he’s not, and he was so worried that he
couldn’t help you and that worry was eating away at him. Heath, he couldn’t
handle this alone.”
“I’m sorry” Heath muttered a few minutes after Jarrod’s voice grew quiet.
“No! I’m sorry” Jarrod quickly retorted. “Heath, I’m sorry I haven’t been the
brother you needed but together Nick and I will help you. Will you let me?”
Only silence followed Jarrod’s question.
“Heath, are you tired? Do you want to go back to bed?” Jarrod clasped his hands
together, apprehensive as he tried to get his brother to talk.
“I want to go outside” came a soft, weary voice. Jarrod glanced towards the
window; it was dark but the sun would be out soon. Thinking about the sun gave
Jarrod an idea; a special place that he could share with his brother.
“Heath, get dressed and meet me downstairs in five minutes. Be quiet and don’t
wake Eugene up.” Ten minutes later, after a hastily written letter was left for
the family, Jarrod and Heath headed out for a destination that Jarrod had gone
to often when he needed the solitude away from his family. The ride was silent
but it wasn’t as uncomfortable as Jarrod had figured it would be. A glance
sideways showed Heath to be relaxed and enjoying the cool morning air. Soon
they reached the small cliff and the brothers tied up their horses and climbed
to the top.
“This is the best view of the sun” Jarrod remarked as they settled down to
watch the sun rise. Jarrod secretly kept his eyes on Heath; pleased that his
brother seemed to enjoy something he took such pleasure in.
“Heath!” Jarrod spoke after the spectacle was over and the sun shone brightly
above them. The boy turned towards him and Jarrod was happy to see some life
back in his brother’s eyes.
“What do you want to be when you grow up?” It was a question Jarrod expected no
answer to and he wasn’t surprised when Heath simply shrugged his shoulders. He
couldn’t imagine that someone with Heath’s past, someone who spent so much time
struggling to survive and find his place in the world, would waste any time
thinking about something as far off as the future. Jarrod didn’t want Heath to
answer; he hoped to give his brother a future and something for him to look
forward to.
“I’ve wanted to be a lawyer for as long as I could remember” Jarrod simply
stated as Heath looked away. “Nick wanted to work the ranch along side our
father and eventually run it. Heath, do you know where I see you?”
“No.”
“Mother and father want to travel so Nick is gonna need someone he trusts to
work beside him on the ranch. Heath I think you’d be perfect for that job.”
“Really?” Heath turned and Jarrod saw a sparkle in his eyes that he’d never
seen before. He wondered if Nick really knew how much their little brother
idolized him.
“He’d want me to?” Heath asked, his voice full of uncertainty.
Jarrod nodded. “He’s told me so himself. Nick doesn’t want to push you into
something you might not want, but he thinks you’d be a good partner for him.”
Jarrod watched Heath struggle with a smile that threatened to overtake his
face. The misery he currently felt was suddenly confronted with a future that
held promise.
“No one else can know about this” Heath stated firmly with a frown on his face.
“My mother can’t die worrying about me. Please Jarrod! She has to think I’m
fine…even if I’m not.” Jarrod’s frown matched his brother’s. He really wanted
to tell their father the current situation but he could understand Heath’s fear
and his desire to allow Leah to die in peace, with the knowledge that her son
was settled and happy with his new family.
“Heath, father…”
“No!” Heath screamed, hoping the loudness would get his point across. “No” he
repeated in a more reasonable voice. He leaned over clutching his stomach, as
if the pain in his heart traveled downward. “I’m fine” he insisted when Jarrod
moved towards him. “Jarrod…don’t…” Heath straightened, his blues eyes pleading
when he could no longer find the right words. The older boy ran his hands
through his hair, a trait that had passed from father to son. He had the same
fears that Nick had, that his best wouldn’t be good enough and Heath would
suffer because of that. He glanced at the blue eyes that mirrored his own, but
those showed an agony that Jarrod could never have fathomed. Would it hurt to
keep Heath’s secret for a few days? Was he willing to chance his brother’s well
being for a promise that shouldn’t be made? As Jarrod stared, he saw something
else. He saw a child who had never trusted before, who was just starting to
trust and already felt let down.
“Heath!” Jarrod scooted over and placed his hands on the boy’s shoulders. “I’ll
keep your secret for…now.” He emphasized the last word. “But I want something
from you.”
“What?” Heath faintly asked.
“I want your reassurance that you’re not mad at Nick and that you’ll allow me
to help you as I see fit.” Jarrod paused briefly. “And I want you to talk to me
and tell me what’s going on at night that’s making you so afraid to be alone.”
Heath’s eyes widened ever so slightly.
“I’m not mad at Nick” Heath quietly stated.
“That’s a start” Jarrod commented when his brother grew silent. “Go on” he
urged.
“You can help me,” he said, though Jarrod still heard the uncertainty in his
voice. “I can’t explain it” Heath lamented.
“Try!” Jarrod encouraged, resting his hand on the boy’s leg.
“They’re all coming after me,” Heath whispered. “Some faces I see, some I don’t
but I know the voices and I can’t get away. There’s water everywhere and I
can’t breathe and then I wake up and there’s nobody there…it’s black and I’m
alone….” Heath’s teeth started to chatter and he hugged himself tightly. “I
keep calling everyone but no one helps me…” Heath pulled his legs up and
briefly hid his face against his knees. Jarrod kept a comforting hand on the
boy’s back, gently rubbing as he allowed Heath to calm down. What he said
didn’t make much sense to the older boy, but it didn’t need to. It was obvious
that Heath felt alone even if he wasn’t.
“Heath, listen to me.” Gently Jarrod forced his little brother to look up. “I’m
going to make my own promise. Nick and I are going to be with you so much
you’re gonna be sick of us and ask us to go away, ok?”
“No, I won’t.” Heath sighed deeply. “Jarrod, am I crazy? I know at that prison
men went crazy all the time. Is that happening to me now?”
“No!” Jarrod cupped the boy’s face. “I think you’re scared that when your
mother dies you’re going to be all alone and it’s our job to make you think
otherwise. Nick and I can be pretty persuasive when we put our minds to
something.” Jarrod smiled weakly. “We’ll be beside you the whole time, got it?”
Heath managed a small smile.
“Jarrod, I’m kind of hungry. Can we go back?”
“Sure!” Jarrod gingerly stood and pulled Heath to his feet.
“Ya think Nick left us any food?” Heath asked as he glanced back over his
shoulder.
“Even if he didn’t” Jarrod responded, “there will be plenty when we get home.
Silas will make sure of that.” Jarrod stopped when his little brother did.
“Heath, what is it?” The blonde boy was watching something in the far distance.
He turned, smiling slightly.
“Can we come back here?”
“Sure we can.” Jarrod beamed as he followed Heath back to their horses.
* * * * * * * *
With their bellies full and moods decidedly brighter Jarrod
and Heath rode out to find their father and brother. What they found was chaos
as men scattered everywhere trying to retrieve escaped cattle. Tom saw the boys
and motioned them over.
“The gate was left open” their father spit out disgustedly. “I don’t have a
clue how many we’re missing right now. Heath, go with Nick. He’s that-a-way.”
Tom pointed. “He’s trying to find Betsy right now.” As Heath raced towards his
older brother, it took him a minute to remember who Betsy was; the small calf
that Audra and Eugene had exclaimed belong to them after they had helped in her
birth. She was destined to become a family pet because he doubted his siblings
would allow her to go to market with the other cows.
“Nick!” Heath called out to his brother, who stopped and waited.
“Let’s go.” Nick pulled Heath along as he set out again, in a different
direction. “If I find who opened that gate…” Nick took off without finishing
his statement; Heath in tow.
Two hours later the boys rested under a shady tree as they watched Betsy cozy
up to her mother. Most of the cattle had been rounded up and the men took off
for different parts of the ranch, including their father and older brother.
“Wow, I didn’t know that thing weighed so much” Heath exclaimed.
“Yep.”
“How do you think it got in the mud?”
“Walked in, I suppose” Nick answered.
Heath glanced upward. “Nick, you sure look funny with all that mud on your
face.”
“You might want to look in a mirror before you talk” Nick countered, wiping
some more mud on his already covered sleeve.
“Nick, you mad at me?”
“No! Why would you ask that?”
Heath looked away. “You haven’t said much the last couple of hours and I
thought you might be angry with me.” Heath felt an arm reach around his
shoulders and sighed, relieved that he had been wrong about Nick.
“Heath, guess I’ve been feeling kind of guilty that I broke your promise. Sorry
that I had to tell Jarrod your secret.”
“It’s ok. You’re too young to handle my problems alone.”
Nick chuckled. “Did Jarrod tell you that?”
“Yeah.” Heath looked at his brother again, trying to gauge his reaction. Hazel
eyes stared down at him, framed by a layer of dark mud.
“He’s probably right.” Nick smiled, as he tousled his brother’s hair. “It
doesn’t mean you can’t come to me understand?” Slightly the blonde boy nodded.
“Heath, I have the best big brother in the world and I can’t imagine life
without him. You have two and we both love you, though I’m thinking you’re
still having a hard time believing that. Am I right?”
“I guess. Nick, nobody’s ever cared about me except my mama and Hannah. And
now, just cause I’m your brother you say you love me.” Heath suddenly stood.
“Don’t know how I feel about anybody…don’t know if I feel anything.” He was
ready to bolt and Nick knew it as he jumped up and grabbed a hold of his little
brother.
“You’re not going anywhere. Now sit” Nick ordered as he forced Heath back to
the ground. “Listen real carefully!” Nick lowered his voice as he saw a few
tears stream down Heath’s cheeks.
“Of course you feel. IF you didn’t you wouldn’t be crying.” On his knees, Nick
towered over Heath, his hands firmly on his little brother’s shoulders. “I
don’t care if you can express your feelings or not. I know by your actions that
you love us and you want to be here and that’s good enough for me. For all of
us.” Heath tried to look away but Nick wouldn’t let him. “Heath, I know you’re
having a tough time right now, but I’m right here with you and so is Jarrod. Ya
gotta believe that we’re not gonna let you down, cause we’re not.”
“Nick.” Heath’s voice was barely above a whisper.
“What?” Nick waited patiently for Heath to say something but his brother just
shook his head, and then impulsively threw his arms around Nick, holding on as
tight as he could.
“Oh god Heath” Nick muttered as his arms surrounded the trembling boy. He
wasn’t afraid to admit that the boy’s actions frightened him and he berated
himself for even starting the conversation.
“Nick.”
“Yeah?” Nick tried to pry Heath loose but it was apparent after a few minutes
that Heath wasn’t budging from his position. Instead Nick sat back on his heels
with Heath still resting in his arms.
“Don’t give up on me ok?”
“Give up on you?” Nick bellowed, his loud voice shaky at best. “You’re stuck
with me, whether you like it or not. Of course I’m not giving up on you.” That
seemed to help Heath and he loosened his grip, though he was still content to
lean against Nick. The older boy lost track of how long they sat like that but
his legs were numb by the time Heath sat up and he was able to stretch them
out.
“This mud feels weird” Heath quietly said.
“It dried. We better get back and clean up.” Both boys stood.
“Nick, I forgot. Anna said Rose is mad at you. Why’d you call her fat?”
“What?” Nick stood still, glaring at his little brother. “I didn’t say she was
fat.” He tried to recall the conversation the other night…and then it came to
him, the dress and his honest answer.
“She asked me if I liked her dress and I said I liked her in the blue one
more.” Nick rolled his eyes. “I never said she was fat. OK Heath, lesson number
one. If a woman ever asks you how she looks just say fine. Don’t matter if it’s
true or not, got it?”
“Suppose you should have taken your own advice” Heath remarked, with a slight
smile.
“Yeah, I suppose. Let’s go.” Nick lightly pushed Heath to get him going.
“I get the tub first” Heath called out as they neared their horses.
“Really? Says who?”
“I called it” Heath exclaimed. “Besides, I’m going to beat you home.” Nick
could only shake his head as Heath jumped on his horse and rode off.
“Little brother, you’re never going to learn.” Nick quickly mounted and rode
after his brother, confident he’d be in that tub before Heath even made it
home.
* * * * * * * *
One Week Later…
Tom paced, back and forth…. making Jarrod dizzy with each
movement. He thought the drink in his hand might have something to do with his
queasiness but alcohol was helping him deal with his father’s actions. Tom
stopped, staring down at his seated son.
“I’m assuming at this moment Heath is asleep in Nick’s room. Am I right?”
“Yes sir.”
“Last night he slept in your room, right?”
“Yes sir.” Jarrod didn’t like where this was going and thought short answers
were best at this moment.
“From what Silas tells me, Heath hasn’t slept in his bed for two weeks. Am I
right again?”
“Yes sir.” From the look on Tom’s face, Jarrod knew his answers were starting
to annoy his father. Tom sighed deeply.
“I was hoping one of you was going to come to me and let me in on whatever’s
going on but it obvious by now that’s not going to happen.” Tom walked over and
refilled his drink, slowly taking a sip. Finally he turned and again faced his
son.
“As a father, it’s hard to know sometimes when to pry and when not to. Heath
seems ok to me during the day but I’m guessing he’s having problems again at
night.” Jarrod started to say something but was stopped quickly by his father.
“Let me finish. At the moment I will allow this to continue. But…” Tom
stressed. “I expect you to come to me if you feel Heath is in any kind of
danger. Do you understand?”
“Yes sir.” Jarrod said, sighing in the process. Tom noticed and smiled briefly.
“I’m glad Heath feels close enough to you and Nick to confide in you. It’s
another step for him in becoming part of this family. Go on. Get to bed.”
Jarrod quickly placed his drink down and hurried out of the room, grateful to
be away from his father’s questioning. Tom watched him run up the stairs and
then walked over to the window, staring out in the darkness. What he hadn’t
said to Jarrod was how hurt and disappointed he was that Heath didn’t confide
in him.
“Heath, you’re my son,” he whispered. “Someday, I hope you trust me too.”
Hours later, Tom was seated by the window as the sun started to rise and the
family could be heard stirring upstairs.
Heath stood in the doorway of the study, the bright morning sun shining through the draped window, illuminating the whole room. The mornings had become Heath’s favorite time of day, as far away from the nights as possible…and the nightmares that continued to dominate his sleep. Briefly he glanced sideways, at his mother sleeping peacefully in her bed. She’d been doing better lately and Heath had been spending as much time with her as he could. He suddenly felt a hand on his head and turned in time to see Jarrod and Nick slam the front door behind them. His brothers were going to town to get supplies and he badly wanted to go with, but knew his time with his mother was more important.
“Heath!” He turned to see his mother up and smiling at him. Heath smiled back and entered the room, stopping at the foot of the bed.
“Morning mama. How do you feel? Are you hungry?” Leah shook her head and then lifted her arm, motioning for Heath to sit down. He did so and Leah took his hand, squeezing it gently.
“You’re a good sight to wake up to,” Leah whispered, her eyes taking in her son’s face. The dark circles under his eyes were far too noticeable, but she knew from a previous conversation not to pressure him about his sleeping.
“Are you sure you don’t want breakfast?” Heath asked.
“No.” Leah reached for the glass and the water that was left over from the night before. Slowly she took a sip, the wetness helping her parched lips.
“Heath, do you have to work?” The boy shook his head. Leah smiled. “Can we talk?” Heath shrugged his shoulders.
“OK, I’ll talk and you listen” Leah quietly continued. “Heath, I’d been thinking about this and I’d like you to go back to school…”
“But mama, I want to work on the ranch with Nick.”
“I know and you have a whole lifetime to do that.” Leah released her son’s hand. “Heath, you’ve missed so much school and I think it will be good for you. You’ve been forced to grow up so fast and I want you to experience some childhood again and school is part of that.” Heath wrinkled his nose in disgust, causing his mother to smile slightly.
“It’s not so bad. Besides, you’ll get to spend every day with Anna.” The mention of the girl that Heath was sweet on brought a smile to her son’s face. Leah savored every smile she saw, as they were few and far between.
“Speaking of Anna, when am I going to meet her?” Heath shrugged.
“How about today? I’m feeling pretty good and I would really like to meet her.”
“OK” Heath hesitantly said, sighing. “I’ll see if she can come over.” Heath started for the door, stopping when his mother called his name.
“Please ask Mrs. Barkley to come see me. I want to look my best for Anna.” Heath walked out with his shoulders slumped. She knew he was embarrassed by her appearance but he talked so highly of this girl, Leah was eager to meet her. He was still young but in her mind, Leah could see Heath married to this girl and she wanted to see for herself if Anna was right for her son. Leah chuckled softly. She was still Heath’s mother and she’d be his mother until the day she died.
* * * * * * * *
Heath heard the laughter as he dismounted his horse and he stood there for a few minutes and just listened to her voice. Anna had a funny laugh but Heath always felt better when he heard it. He walked around the house where he found Anna playing with her little brother. The child saw him first.
“Hi Joey!” The little boy was still leery of Heath and he quickly found comfort in his sister’s arms.
“Heath, what are you doing here?” She stood up, with her brother still clinging to her. “Joey, what’s wrong?” She smiled sheepishly at Heath. “Sorry! He’s upset that our mother left without him.”
“Are you two alone here?” Anna nodded as the smile slowly left Heath’s face. “I was hoping you could meet my mother today” he quietly explained.
“Is Eugene home?” Anna asked.
“Yeah. Why?”
Anna didn’t answer as she glanced downward at her brother. “Joey, wanna go see Eugene?” At the mention of Heath’s younger brother, the little boy’s face lit up.
“Gene’s funny” Joey exclaimed as Anna laughed at the confused look on Heath’s face. “Mother always brings Joey by before school starts and Eugene makes him laugh. I don’t know why but he adores your brother. Let me put a bag together for him and we can go.” She turned but stopped when Heath wasn’t following.
“Heath, you don’t have to wait outside. Come on.” Heath silently followed them and ten minutes later, the horses were hitched to the buggy and they headed towards the Barkley ranch. Heath was extremely quiet and Anna kept glancing sideways at him, though he kept his attention on the horses and the road ahead. She thought he was nervous, but so was she. Heath had talked a lot about his mother and how sick she was and Anna was afraid she might not act appropriate in front of the woman. She lowered her face and kissed the top of Joey’s head, thinking about the conversation she would have with Heath’s mother.
* * * * * * * *
“Heath, stop worrying.” Victoria placed a comforting hand on the boy’s shoulder as they watched the three children play.
“Why’d she want to talk to Anna alone?” Heath turned slightly, his gaze directed at the front door. It seemed like an eternity since he emerged from the house, after his mother had asked him to leave the room.
“She’s being a mother,” Victoria quietly explained. “She knows how you feel about Anna and just wants to talk to her.” The exaggerated sigh that Heath emitted told Victoria that the boy didn’t believe her words. She stared at her two youngest as they had a grand time entertaining Joey. They heard the front door open and both turned to see Anna exit the house.
“I’ll leave you two alone.” The older lady walked towards the children, glancing back once to see Heath and Anna sit on the front steps. Silently they sat until Anna finally reached over and gently took Heath’s hand.
“I’m sorry” Heath muttered as he stared at the clasped hands.
“Don’t be” Anna whispered, her voice shaky. “Do you talk about me to your mother?” Under her stare Heath started to turn red.
“I guess,” he admitted. “Anna, what’d she say?” Heath’s hand was sweaty and he was grateful when Anna pulled away. Silently the boy rubbed his hand against his pants, waiting impatiently for Anna to answer his question.
“Heath, she thinks we’re getting married.” Anna gulped slightly. “Heath, I’m not ready for that…we’re too young.”
“Wh…at?” Heath stuttered as he stood, and then slowly sat back down. “Anna, I swear I didn’t say anything about marriage…” His eyes widened. “Is that a bad thing?” he suddenly asked, feigning insult.
“Not a bad thing” Anna said, “just too soon. Heath, I’m sorry but it was just weird in there. She called me Hanna a couple of times and talked about you when you were little. I was so uncomfortable in there and I didn’t know what to say. I hope she doesn’t hate me.”
“She doesn’t.” Heath leaned over and rested his chin on his clasped hands. “I know how you feel, cause I feel the same. That’s my mother in there but most of the time she doesn’t make sense. Doc says it’s the medicine, but I don’t know…” Heath turned silent as Eugene’s laughter lingered in the air. Suddenly the younger boy ran over to Heath and Anna.
“Play with us” Eugene demanded. “Heath, come play with us.” The older children exchanged questioning glances.
“Let’s” Anna said as she stood. “Come on Heath, it will get our minds off of things.” She held out her hand and waited until Heath took it. Together they walked over to join the children’s game.
* * * * * * * *
Tom headed downstairs and immediately noticed his wife by the window. As he neared her he could hear the laughter coming through the opened window. Absently he put his hand on Victoria’s shoulder as they watched the children play outside.
“Should I be worried that Eugene is standing on his head?” Tom asked, staring at his youngest son.
“Tom, go get Leah” Victoria suddenly demanded. “Please” she added when her husband didn’t move fast enough. He walked off, confused, and returned a few minutes later with Leah in his arms. Gently he placed her in the chair that Victoria had positioned near the window. Tom didn’t understand until he saw a smile cross the gaunt face as she listened to her son’s laughter, a sound she hadn’t heard in such a long time. Tom glanced at his wife and saw a sad smile on her face as she took the throw blanket off the sofa and placed it around Leah’s shoulders.
“Thank you” Leah whispered, her gaze lingering on Heath. “I love his laughter…” Leah paused, her face showing the pain she suddenly felt.
“Do you want to go back to bed?” Tom asked.
“No.” Leah took a couple of deep breaths. “I’m going to miss seeing the man I know he’ll be. Tom, don’t let him mourn me.” Leah’s gaze returned to the window, again smiling. She still had a smile on her face when she fell asleep and Tom carried her back to the study.
* * * * * * * *
“Heath, what’s wrong? You haven’t said two words since we dropped Anna and Joey off.” Nick glanced sideways at his silent brother.
“I know you’re angry I came along but I swear I closed my eyes when you kissed her goodnight.” That elicited a small smile from Heath.
“Heath, as much as I like to talk, I don’t like one-sided conversations.” Nick suddenly stopped his horse.
“Heath, what is it?” Heath stopped his horse also, gazing downward at the ground. He glanced briefly at Nick, sighing.
“She’s gonna die soon Nick. I just feel it and I don’t think I can handle that.”
“Heath, you don’t know…”
“Yes I do. Nick, she doesn’t eat and she barely drinks and you can’t live long without food and water. What am I supposed to do when it happens?”
“I don’t know…you cry, you scream, you do whatever you feel like doing at that moment. Heath I don’t know what to tell ya, I’m sorry.”
“Is it bad if I feel…relieved that she died?” In the darkness Nick could barely see Heath’s face, but his blue eyes glistened with newly formed tears.
“Heath, I think it’s ok to want her suffering to end. That doesn’t make you bad.” Nick reached out and gently cupped his brother’s shoulder.
“If I run, will you come after me?” Nick didn’t immediately answer, confused by his brother’s question.
“I might feel like running, but I don’t think I want to be alone. Don’t let me, ok?”
“Heath, you’re not alone. Get that through your head.” Nick reached up and rested his hand on the blonde hair. You run and I follow, got it?” Weakly Nick smiled.
“Thanks Nick.” Heath tried to match his brother’s smile. “It felt weird today. Nick I was having fun and it didn’t feel right.” Heath lightly kicked his horse as the brothers once again started for home. Nick kept glancing sideways but it was obvious by Heath’s rigid stature that he wasn’t going to expand on his last comments. The house was dark and quietly the boys headed upstairs. Nick waited in the hall while Heath quickly changed in his bedroom and then followed Nick to his room. A few minutes later Nick turned the light down, hoping for a peaceful night.
* * * * * * * *
Jarrod heard footsteps and jumped out of bed, grabbing his robe as the cool night air hit him hard. In the hallway he found Nick pacing.
“Nick.” Jarrod whispered, hoping the echoing sound wouldn’t wake the rest of the family. “What are you doing?”
“Pacing” Nick exclaimed loudly, as Jarrod motioned for him to keep his voice down.
“How bad?” Jarrod asked.
“He finally fell asleep,” Nick said as he stopped long enough to peek into his room. “He’s feeling guilty for having fun today” Nick added with a small sigh. “Damn it Jarrod, is there anything he doesn’t feel guilt over?” Jarrod smiled weakly as he placed his hand on his brother’s shoulder.
“Nick, get some sleep. He’ll be fine in the morning.” Jarrod barely got those words out when Heath ran out of the bedroom, frantic.
“She’s dead” he blurted, “she’s dead.” He started toward the stairs when Nick and Jarrod both grabbed an arm.
“Calm down” Jarrod whispered, placing his hands on Heath’s shoulders. “Heath, you must have been dreaming. Your mother’s not dead.” That didn’t seem to convince Heath who struggled to go downstairs.
“Let me go” he yelled, as his older brothers wondered how no one had awakened yet.
“We’ll go together,” Jarrod said, as Nick nodded in agreement. He released Heath who was downstairs in a flash, though he didn’t have the nerve to open the study door. He waited for his brothers and together they entered the room.
“See” Jarrod whispered, as the familiar ragged breathing of the sick woman momentarily quenched Heath’s fears. The only relief the boy showed was to lean slightly against Nick, breathing hard.
“Take him to the family room” Jarrod ordered, as he followed his brothers out. Jarrod stopped at the bar and poured a small glass of brandy, which he promptly handed to Heath.
“Drink it slow” Jarrod said, hoping the alcohol would calm his brother down.
“Where’s mine?” Nick asked, eliciting a roll of the eyes from his older brother. Jarrod sat down next to them and they waited for the brandy to have the effect they had hoped for.
“He’s asleep,” Nick announced a few minutes later, as he grabbed the glass before it fell to the floor.
“Jarrod, she’s gonna die soon.”
“I know.”
“What happens then?”
“I don’t know” Jarrod answered as he glanced down at Heath.
“Will he be ok?”
Jarrod was a bit taken back by his brother’s questioning and he looked at Nick. “Nick, we’ll make sure he’s ok. All of us will. Until then, we do what we’ve been doing, ok?” Nick shrugged, leaning back against the sofa.
“He doesn’t want to be alone” Nick whispered, his eyes half-closed.
“He won’t be” Jarrod assured him. “Nick, go to bed. I’ll bring him up as soon as I’m sure he’s asleep.” Nick sat forward, resting his head in his hands.
“Do you ever wonder how’d we deal with this if it were mother or father?”
“No” Jarrod answered honestly. “Nick, thinking like that isn’t going to help the situation.”
“I’m just trying to figure out how he’s feeling right now,” Nick muttered. Jarrod smiled weakly.
“Nick, stop thinking so much. He doesn’t need us to feel that way. He needs us to be there for him and we will. Now, go to bed.”
“Yes sir” Nick sarcastically mumbled as he stood. “Thanks Jarrod.” Nick glanced back once before he staggered upstairs. Jarrod got a blanket from the closet and covered Heath with it. The boy was sleeping peacefully and Jarrod was afraid to disturb him.
“Heath, you’re not alone.” Jarrod whispered and then settled back on the sofa, falling asleep soon after.
Ben found Tom in the kitchen, staring out the window. “Looking for someone?” the doctor asked. Tom turned, frowning.
“How is she?” Ben didn’t answer until after he had poured a drink and downed it in one gulp.
“I recall you mentioning a woman in Strawberry…that she wanted to see Leah before she died. Tom, I think it’s time to go get her.” If Tom was surprised by that news, his face didn’t show it. Leah had been steadily declining for the past couple of weeks and they all knew the time was coming.
“I’ll send Nick…No!” Tom shook his head firmly. “I want Nick and Jarrod here with Heath. I’ll send one of my men. Ben, how many days?” The doctor shrugged his shoulders.
“Tom, I can’t answer that; a week, maybe two. She’ll probably linger a couple of days after losing consciousness. Tom, not long. Not long at all.”
“I’ll tell Heath” Tom mumbled.
“He knows” Ben countered, ignoring the glare from his best friend. “I didn’t tell him anything,” Ben added. “He figured it out himself. Right now he’s sitting with Leah.” Ben poured himself another drink.
“Where’s Victoria?”
“Picking up the children” Tom answered, again staring out the window.
“Tom, I’m leaving town.”
Tom turned swiftly, his face a mask of confusion. “Huh?” He wasn’t sure he had heard right.
“After Leah dies I’m going back east…to live with Abby.” Momentarily stunned, Tom stared at him. Finally a small smile crossed his face.
“It’s about time, old man. But we’ll see each other again.”
“No we won’t. These bones are too old to make the trip more than once.” Ben smiled suddenly. “You’ll see some of me though. Abby has promised to bring my ashes back and bury me next to my Livvie.” By the look on Tom’s face he didn’t find that funny and the smile slowly left Ben’s face.
“Tom, I’ve already found my replacement. Name’s Howard Merar and I think you’ll like him. Good doctor…I feel comfortable leaving my patients with him.” Tom remained silent and his silence worried the old doctor.
“Tom, what’s wrong?”
“What’s wrong?” Tom snorted. “I’m about to bury my son’s mother. What do you think is wrong?” Ben frowned, his eyes never leaving his friend’s face. There wasn’t much Tom could hide from him and right now he was feeling guilt; guilt over Leah’s impending death. Ben took another glass out of the cabinet and poured Tom a drink, silently handing it to his friend.
“Tom, blaming yourself isn’t going to help the situation.” Tom swiftly turned his head but Ben knew he was on the right track. “Nothing you could have done in the past would have changed this outcome.”
“Really?” Tom spun around, opening and closing his mouth several times without speaking another word. “Maybe not” he admitted a few minutes later. “But I could have made her life so much easier. And Heath too. How much did they suffer because of me?”
“Tom, self-pity isn’t your strong point. You have a son in there that’s been through hell and is finally turning his life around. He’s about to lose his mother and he needs his father now. Feeling sorry for yourself isn’t going to help Heath is it?” Tom sighed, feeling defeated and unable to counter the doctor’s point. He headed for the kitchen door, stopping before he opened it.
“I need to get someone headed towards Strawberry.” Without looking back, Tom walked out, slamming the door behind him.
* * * * * * * *
Tom leaned against the doorway, his eyes darting from the bed to Heath, sitting in a chair close to his mother. He had tried for over an hour to get the boy to take a break and leave the study, but his son refused to leave his mother’s side.
“Heath.” Tom walked over and lightly placed his hand on the boy’s shoulder. “You haven’t eaten all day, are you hungry?”
“No.” Heath pulled away from his father’s touch. Leah moaned and they both turned their attention to the figure in the bed. Her eyes opened and a weak smile formed on her face.
“My two favorite men” she whispered, much to Tom’s chagrin. He felt Heath’s eyes boring into him as he gently sat on the bed and took Leah’s hand.
“How do you feel?” Tom quietly asked, as Heath shifted uncomfortably in his chair.
“Thirsty” she mumbled as father and son each reached for the glass on the nightstand. In his haste Heath hit the glass, knocking it to the floor with a loud shatter. He jumped as the water flowed towards the bed.
“Heath, it’s ok.” Tom grabbed his arm and noticed how much the boy was shaking. “It’s ok” Tom repeated, willing his son to calm down. “Go to the kitchen and get another glass. We’ll clean this up later.” Without glancing at his mother, Heath ran out of the room.
“It’s too hard on him,” Leah mumbled. “Listen to me” she pleaded, her hand reaching upward. Tom took the hand as he cautiously sat back on the bed. “Ben told me what would happened…Heath can’t sit here and watch me die. Please Tom!” Leah’s breaths came faster with each word she managed to say. She leaned weakly against the pillow, her eyes momentarily closed.
“Mama?” Heath stood in the doorway, the glass loosely hanging from his hand. Tom quickly reached for it and poured a small amount of water into the glass.
“Leah?” Slowly her eyes opened and she took a small sip of the offered water. Father and son silently watched as the fragile woman drifted back into an uncomfortable sleep.
“Heath, let’s go to the kitchen.” Tom placed his hand on the boy’s shoulder and guided his son out of the study. He made a sandwich and watched in dismay as Heath totally ignored it.
“Heath, you have to eat something. Please son.”
“I’m not hungry.” Heath pushed the plate away. Tom sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Stay here” he ordered before rushing out of the kitchen, returning a few minutes later, out of breath. He handed a piece of paper and a picture to his son.
“Heath, these are yours. That’s a copy of your birth certificate with your legal name. Heath Barkley has been your name since the day you were born but if you have any doubts you look at that. And you look at that picture if you feel alone.” Tom paused, as he watched Heath study the family portrait that was taken months ago. Twice Heath looked up, quickly diverting his eyes from his father’s stare.
“Heath, your mother’s going to die soon and no one will ever take her place but you’ll always have us. You’ll always have a family that loves you and a place to belong. Son, I love you very much and some day I hope you believe that.” Heath looked up again and this time his eyes lingered on his father’s face.
“I know” the boy whispered before lowering his gaze. He missed the tears of joy that momentarily came to his father’s eyes, the feeling of relief that a father felt, hoping at last that he got through the protective barrier that surrounded his son. Heath continued to stare at the picture, though occasionally he’d glanced at the birth certificate. Finally he carefully folded the piece of paper with the picture inside, and placed both in the back pocket of his pants.
“I’m gonna sit with my mother” he quietly said, rushing out of the kitchen before Tom could stop him.
* * * * * * * *
Tom was pacing near the front door when Nick and Jarrod returned from a long day of work.
“I’m starved” Nick bellowed, slamming the door behind him.
“What is it?” Jarrod asked, studying his father’s face. “Has she?”
“No” Tom quickly answered, and then motioned for his sons to follow him. “Go to town for dinner and take Heath with you. He needs to get out of this house but he won’t listen to me.”
“How?” Jarrod began as Nick brushed past him. “Leave it to me” Nick exclaimed as he walked into the study and quickly pulled Heath to his feet.
“We’re going to town and you’re coming with,” Nick loudly whispered as he picked up Heath and threw him over his shoulder. “Bring his jacket,” Nick ordered as he exited the house.
“He gets that from his mother” an amused Tom put forth, shaking his head. “You better get going,” he added as Jarrod grabbed Heath’s jacket and followed his brothers out of the house.
* * * * * * * *
“For someone who wasn’t hungry, you sure ate a lot” Nick said as he watched Heath finish off the last piece of steak. Heath had been mostly silent since the brothers left the ranch, but his appetite kicked in once the food had been brought to the table.
“Jarrod how does apple pie sound?” Nick asked.
“I don’t know.” Jarrod rubbed his stomach, glancing at Heath. “Heath, what do you say? Want dessert?”
“Yeah” the boy answered, before taking a sip of water. Nick called the waitress over and ordered three pieces of pie.
“Hey Heath, I know the girls are alone tonight. Should we stop by and say hi?”
“And what am I supposed to do?” Jarrod piped in.
“You can play with Joey” Nick innocently suggested, ignoring Jarrod’s glare. Both brothers noticed the small smile on Heath’s face as he listened to his brothers banter back and forth, the fake argument ceasing when desert was brought to the table and all three eagerly dug in to their tasty piece of pie.
“Nick, I don’t want to go tonight. Can we just go home?” Nick looked up from his plate, frowning.
“Sure little brother, if that’s what you want.” Heath lowered his head, missing the worried glances of his two older brothers.
“Heath, we could use your help on the ranch tomorrow. What do you say?” Heath looked at Jarrod, shrugging slightly.
“It will just be for the morning,” Nick added. “Heath, we’ll come home at lunch and you can check on your mother than, ok?” Again Heath refused to commit and for the moment his brothers gave up, turning their attention back to their pie.
“Hannah will be here in the morning,” Heath suddenly said. “She doesn’t have much time left.”
“We know Heath” Jarrod quietly said. “She won’t be alone when she dies and neither will you.” Heath put his fork down, sighing loudly.
“I just want it over” he lamented. “I just want it all over.” Jarrod reached across the table and lightly touched his brother’s arm.
“It will be soon Heath” Jarrod whispered. “Your mother’s suffering will end soon.” What Jarrod didn’t voice was his hope that Heath’s suffering would also end with his mother’s death and he would start to live again, his mind and body healing with the help of his family.
“I need to get out of here” Heath spit out before jumping up and running out of the restaurant.
“Go with him” Jarrod ordered, reaching in his pocket for his wallet. Nick sprang up and ran after Heath, finding his brother near the horses.
“Heath, you ok?” Heath leaned against his horse, gently stroking her head.
“No” he answered, as he sat down on the front steps of the restaurant. “Nick, stop looking at me like that.”
“Like what?” Nick asked as he sat down next to Heath.
“Like that” Heath insisted, much to the confusion of his older brother. Nick was never so grateful when Jarrod walked out and joined his brothers on the steps.
“Are we ready to go?” he asked.
“Yeah” his brothers answered in unison, both quickly mounting their horses. Shaking his head slightly, Jarrod jumped on his horse and followed his brothers out of town.
* * * * * * * *
Later that evening, Heath was in bed…his own bed. For the first time in weeks Heath decided he would sleep in his bedroom, much to the concern of his older brothers. But he was determined, so determined, to get over the fear that had gripped him at night. The even breathing of his little brother comforted him, as did the footsteps outside his door, no doubt Nick ready to step in if Heath had a nightmare. But Heath wasn’t tired yet and in the moonlight he studied the piece of paper in his hands. Heath Barkley! He read his name over and over and a smile broke out on his face. He still had doubts about his place in the family but no one could take his name away from him. Carefully he folded the picture in the paper and placed both under his pillow. Heath turned on his side and stared out the window at the moon. He heard a voice and knew it was Jarrod but he couldn’t make out the words being said. More footsteps and then he heard a door close, presumably Nick going to bed. Another door closing convinced Heath that the hall was now empty and he was truly alone. His fingers eased under his pillow until he felt the desired target and slowly Heath took a deep breath. One day Heath might tell his father how much he treasured the simple gift he was given that day, but for now, the child was content to close his eyes and dream…and imagine a life beyond his mother’s death.