Tired
by Peg
Disclaimer: The characters and situations of the TV program
"Big Valley" are the creations of Four Star/Republic Pictures and
have been used without permission. No
copyright infringement is intended by the author. The ideas expressed in this story are copyrighted to the author.
Give me
one good reason why I shouldn't do it, why I shouldn't pull this trigger? I've
got nothing to live for. I always try to do what’s right, but I'm just tired of
it all. I'm tired of struggling, tired of these so-called decent people saying
things about my Mama and me. Things like people calling my Mama a whore or
calling me a bastard. I'm tired of having to prove myself to people, prove that
I am more than just a bastard. God, I'm so tired of it all,
just a pull of this trigger and I will not be tired anymore. A long rest is
what I will have, peace, I will finally have peace.
Sitting here, on this hill outside of Strawberry, the
place where I grew up, contemplating pulling this trigger, my life passes
through my mind. I can see my Mama, Aunt Rachael and Hannah the only people in
this world who care if I live or die. Mama will cry and grieve when I am gone. Aunt
Rachael will comfort her, she will hold her own feelings in to take care of my
Mama. Hannah will worry about whether I will go to Heaven or Hell, but if she
thinks about it, I've been in Hell my whole life.
Being
born a bastard, living amongst these hostile people in Strawberry, being around
my Uncle Matt and Aunt Martha, was this not Hell? For me, it was and if that’s
not enough, I ran away from home when I was twelve and two years later did
something very, very stupid, I joined the army. Oh I thought it was a good idea
at the time, I could send Mama some money and I could try to make something of
my life. At least that’s what I thought, God was I wrong, I was so wrong. I
thought I could get a break when I joined the army. Boy howdy, that was a bad
mistake. I didn't like the war, I didn't like killing people who weren’t
shooting back at me, but I was a sharp
shooter and...well... I had my orders.
Even
though I didn't like any part of the war, I felt I could survive it, if I could
live through it and with it somehow. But when I became a prisoner and was sent
to Carterson prison, well, I learned that Hell was infinitely worse than a
childhood in Strawberry. The horror of that place, a living nightmare, of
maggoty food, filthy water, of beatings and even rapes. My God, there was no
end to the horror!
When
rescue finally came to deliver us from that place, I believed I could finally
find some peace. Boy howdy was I wrong there, eight months in the army hospital
and another four months at home and the nightmares just kept coming. I couldn’t
sleep, I couldn’t eat, I wanted to hurt someone, anyone, I wanted someone to
feel my pain. It had to happen and when it did, it destroyed any self respect I still possessed. I did hurt someone, I hurt the
one person who loves me above everything, my Mama. I hurt my own Mama, I
slapped her in the face. Some son I am, slapping my own Mama. All she wanted me
to do was to stop drinking, to eat more, to sleep more. She said I was gonna be
like my Uncle Matt (that no good drunk!). I got angry, I saw red before I knew
what was happening and I slapped my Mama across the face. I saw my hand print
on her face and I ran out of the house. How could I do that, how could I slap
my own Mama? ''HOW?''
I'm no
good, I'm just a bastard like everyone says. I am out of control, there is
nothing left inside of me, only bitter emptiness. There is only one thing left
to do and that is to pull this trigger. One gun, one bullet, one pull and it
will be over, then I can rest for a long, long time. There is no one to stop
me.
Don't do
it!
What!
Who said that, who's here? No-one, there is no one here. Funny how light this
gun is, putting it to my head, the gun is not heavy at all.
I said
don't do that, put that gun down!
What the
hell..... who's here, who said that? I can’t see anyone here at all. Great! Now
I'm going crazy. Maybe that’s what happens when you’re ready to die, you go
crazy. Or, maybe I was already crazy. Maybe it's my mind telling me not to do
it. Tough I'm going through with it you hear me? You can't stop me. Just pull the damn trigger Heath get it over
with, I'm sorry Mama!
Get that
damn gun away from your head! You pull that trigger and by God, Heaven or Hell
won't stop me from beating the crap out of you!
What the
Hell is going on? Who the hell is this, who is talking to me?
Listen
to me Boy, you can't do this to yourself, if you go through with this then you
will never find your way to me.
I.....don't......
know.........
I want
you to find me, you won't be sorry when you do. I'll be here waiting, but if
you go through with what you got in mind, we both lose out on something very
special.
I.......
don't know .......what.......ya .......talking about...... who
are......ya. Am I crazy? God help me,
someone help me please. Damn it Heath, just pull the damn trigger don't listen
to the voice.
Boy
don't do it! I'm here waiting for you, find your way to me. Then you can lean
on me, you won't be alone anymore. We will go through your pain together. You
just have to find me.
How? I
don't know who you are, or where you are, help me please?
I'm here
Boy waiting for you. you just have to hang in there until we are together. Just
hang in there please.... I promise you won't be sorry you didn't go through
with it. Hang in there just hang in there please.
How will
I find you?
When the
time is right, you will find your way to me. In the mean-time you just have to
be strong.
I'm
tired I don't want to be strong no more.
Than let
your family be strong for you until you can.
There’s
just my Mama, Aunt Rachael and Hannah...I hurt them.
Go to them Boy, they’ll be there for you.
NO! I
can't go to them, I can't go to no-one.
DAMN IT
BOY! Put that gun down. Get off your butt and go home. I don't have time to
baby you and hold your hands. This is a working ranch and I need you here to
help me.
All
right.....all right you don't have to get mad I'm going......Thank you who ever
you are.... whatever you are.
Mama.....
Mama.... I'm home.
Boy howdy, was I afraid to come home. I didn't want to
see the hurt in the faces of the three ladies I love. When I walked into the
kitchen there they were, all three of ‘em.
I look ed at my Mama, all I said was, “I'm tired
Mama.”
She just opened her arms out for me. I hesitated to go
to her then that damn annoying voice said GO and I swear I felt someone give me
a little shove in Mama’s direction. That was all I needed, I ran into Mama’s
open arms and she held on to me for dear life. Then the tears started, Boy
Howdy, when they started they wouldn't stop. My Mama, Aunt Rachael and Hannah were all holding on to me and we all cried
together.
I now
have a mission to complete, no matter how long it will take me, or where it
will lead me, I will find the owner of that voice and I will pound the crap out
of him for making me think I was crazy!
Hmm, maybe I will hug him and say thank you.
Barkley Ranch
“Nick...Nick...wake
up.”
I'm waiting Boy.
“Nick wake up, come on its me Jarrod, wake up Nick.”
“Huh...what... Jarrod, what are you doing here?”
Waking you up. Who are you waiting for Nick?
“What...what
are you talking about?”
“When I tried waking you up, you were mumbling about
waiting for some boy, what boy Nick?”
“I don't know, but Jarrod I had me some dream!”
“What was the dream about? You were telling him to
hang in there and that this was a working ranch. Who were you talking to Nick?”
“I don't
know, I don't remember all of it. There was this feeling of sadness and I was
afraid for someone. Someone very special and if I didn't help him all would be
lost.”
“What would be lost Nick?”
“I don't
know Jarrod. I'm tired let me sleep,
hmm?”
“What?”
“I don't know, something about tired.”
“Tired?”
“Yeah,
go back to bed Jarrod.”
“Are you ok?”
“Yeah I'm ok.”
“Can you go back to sleep?”
“Yeah, I'm fine Jarrod.”
“All right good night Nick.”
“Night Jarrod.”
As Nick
went back to sleep, he mumbled, “I'm waiting boy,” and he saw a lop sided smile
as he drifted off to sleep.
THE
END