To Live with Myself

by ShiningStar

Disclaimer: The characters and situations of the TV program "Big Valley" are the creations of Four Star/Republic Pictures and have been used without permission. No copyright infringement is intended by the author. The ideas expressed in this story are copyrighted to the author.

Part I

The meeting of the mothers with daughters soon to graduate from Miss Beauville’s School for Young Ladies convened with tea and sandwiches served by Lora Cummings’ maid. Victoria listened to the idle chatter in silent derision. These shallow, chattering magpies were young enough to be her own daughters. She comforted herself that they were not.

“Don’t you think so, Mrs. Wardell?”

Victoria startled at Lora’s voice near her ear.

“I beg your pardon, Mrs. Cummings. I’m afraid my mind was somewhere else.”

Lora Cummings lifted her eyebrows slightly. “I said that we simply must find a way to exclude that Franklin girl from the cadre of junior ushers at the ceremony.”

“That Franklin girl?” The edge to Victoria’s husky voice wasn’t noticeable to the other women, but her family would have picked up on it immediately and prepared themselves—albeit unsuccessfully—for the storm to come.

“Yes, she came at midterm—from Raleigh. She lives with her aunt. Why Emmeline Beauville admitted her—well, of course, there’s the money,

but. . .”

“I’m very sorry, Mrs. Cummings, but I don’t quite understand.”

“Well, you know, she says she lives with her aunt, but the resemblance is so marked that we all know the truth.”

“The truth, Mrs. Cummings?”

Lora grew irritated at Victoria’s lack of understanding. Leaning closer, she whispered, “Obviously the woman is her mother, and that makes her. . .”

“Yes, Mrs. Cummings?” Victoria’s shoulders twitched.

“Really, Mrs. Wardell, I believe you understand me perfectly!”

Victoria set her cup carefully on the side table. “Oh, I do, Mrs. Cummings! I do understand you perfectly!”

She rose, and, like a queen, nodded imperiously to the assembled women. “Ladies, you must excuse me. I believe you have business to discuss that doesn’t concern me. Do let me know, of course, what you wish me to do in regard to the graduation reception.”

“Why, Mrs. Wardell, I can’t imagine what business we might discuss that doesn’t include you!” Madeline Salkel reached a hand as if to detain Victoria.

The scornful curl of her lip and the flashing of her eyes should have been a warning. “Then let me put it another way. I don’t wish to be part of a discussion concerning how to exclude anyone from anything, particularly a young girl who is not to blame for any action by the adults in her life. Good afternoon.” Before anyone could speak again, she swept from the room.

* * * * * * * *

“They were unspeakable!” she said to her husband through clinched teeth as they dressed for dinner that night.

Royce chuckled. “I’m sure you took the focus from that unfortunate girl and became their main topic of conversation as soon as you’d gone.”

“I hope so! Oh, I do hope so! Really, Royce I’m pleased that Kate won’t be associated with Amanda Cummings and the others after graduation!”

“They’re not going to further their educations, I take it.”

“No, of course not! They’ll come out, take a turn on the continent, and slip into an arranged marriage before they’re of age!”

“Ah, well, my love, our Kate has her life planned quite differently.”

“I should hope so!”

There was a soft knock at the bedroom door. “Mother? Papa? May I come in?”

“Of course, darling.” Victoria opened the door. “You look lovely tonight, Kate.”

“Thank you, Mother. You do, too. I love you in blue.”

Royce slipped his arms around his wife. “I love her in any color.”

“Oh, Papa, you’re so romantic!” Kate kissed his cheek affectionately.

“Indeed he is,” Victoria said, slipping out of his embrace reluctantly and returning to her dressing table to put on her earrings.

“Was there something you wanted, Kate precious?” Royce asked.

“Well, yes, as a matter of fact. I—well, I received the strangest note from Amanda this afternoon. Their gardener brought it. Mother, weren’t you at a meeting at the Cummings’ house this afternoon?”

“She left early,” Royce said hurriedly.

“Oh, well. . .”

“What about the note, Kate?” Victoria turned to face her daughter.

“It was odd, Mother. She said that the girls wanted to select their own ushers for graduation, but it’s always been all the junior class, you know. We’re supposed to draw names to see who will escort us to the stage.”

“But the girls want to choose this year,” Victoria murmured.

Kate nodded. “I don’t understand.”

“I understand all too well, Kate.” Victoria took her daughter’s hands and pressed them firmly. “I left the meeting because the ladies were discussing how to exclude one of the girls.”

“Who? Who did they want to leave out, Mother?”

“I believe her name is Franklin.” Victoria watched carefully for Kate’s reaction. It came swiftly.

“India Franklin! She’s a lovely girl! I don’t know her too well, of course, since she only came at midterm, and she’s in another class, but. . .”

“She lives with her aunt, does she not?”

“I think so—yes—yes, she does.”

“Apparently a few people—Lora Cummings in particular—question the relationship.”

“Question—I—oh!” Kate’s face flamed, whether with anger or shame, Victoria wasn’t sure.

Royce quickly offered each of them an arm. “I believe it’s time to go downstairs.”

Dinner was a rather silent affair. Afterwards, Victoria and Royce took their coffee to the parlor, and Kate went immediately to the table where she’d dropped her schoolbooks that afternoon. For awhile, the room was silent as she wrote furiously, then crumpled the paper and tossed it into the basket at her feet. The exercise was repeated several times. Finally she seemed satisfied. “I’ve written a reply to Amanda’s note,” she said coolly, but her cheeks were flushed. “May I take it to her?”

“I think not, Kate,” Royce said. “It’s almost dark. It will wait until tomorrow.”

“Please, Papa, it’s very important!” She glanced at her mother in a silent plea for support.

Royce and Victoria exchanged a long, silent look. Kate often wondered how they could communicate so completely without a word being uttered, but they frequently did.

“Very well, Kate,” Royce said, rising from his chair. “I’ll walk with you.”

“Thank you, Papa!”

There was no conversation as father and daughter strolled the four blocks to the Cummings mansion. Royce had the distinct feeling that Kate would have walked much faster had she been alone, and perhaps she really needed to work off some emotion. As they neared the house, Kate’s footsteps slowed.

“Kate, about the note you’ve written. . .”

“It’s all right, Papa.”

“I’m quite sure it is, but you seemed to be struggling.”

Kate sighed. “I had to write it, Papa.”

“You understand everything your mother was telling you then.”

“I understand. Maybe I should have written the note to Mrs. Cummings, but—well—Amanda’s sort of like a parrot, you know. She repeats everything her mother says. She’s not a mean person, Papa, really she’s not.”

“You are who you’re taught to be.”

“Mother says the best way to teach is by example.”

“What do you think about that?”

“I think she’s right.”

“So you don’t blame Amanda—the two of you won’t have a falling out over this?”

“I don’t know. After she reads my note, she may not be speaking to me.”

“How do you feel about that?”

“Not very good, I guess, but it’s something I have to do.”

They had reached the winding drive that led to the Cummings home. “Would it be all right if I went on alone from here, Papa?”

“I see no reason why not.”

“I won’t be long.”

Royce watched her long legs fly over the ground, hardly seeming to touch the earth. He still thought of her as a miracle. Sometimes, watching her intent on her lessons after dinner, he was compelled to walk by the table just to caress her briefly, reassuring himself that she wasn’t some ethereal spirit that would vanish if he glanced away. Now, as he hooked his thumbs in his vest and waited for her to return, his heart swelled with familiar pride.

Kate didn’t look back as she took the steps two at a time and lifted the heavy brass knocker before she could rethink. “Hello, Bettina,” she said politely as the maid opened the door. “I have a note for Amanda. Would you mind giving it to her?”

“She’s in the parlor, Miss Kate. Wouldn’t you like to come in?”

“No, thank you, Bettina. If you’ll just give her this note, I’d appreciate it. Oh, and tell her I’ll see her at school on Monday.”

“Sure, Miss Kate, I’ll do that.”

Kate turned and hurried back down the drive. “All done, Kate precious?” Royce studied her face with concern.

“Yes, Papa.” She took his arm. “Thank you very much for walking with me.”

“You’re quite welcome.”

“Papa. . .”

“Yes?”

“Nothing.” She squeezed his arm. “I love you, Papa.”

“And I love you.”

* * * * * * * *

Kate saw the valise in the foyer the instant they walked through the door. “It’s Heath! Heath’s here!”

Part II

Her brother, followed by their mother, appeared on cue. “Hey there, KatieBee!” He held out his arms and was rewarded by having her fly into them. “How’s my girl?”

“Oh, Heath, why are you here now? Graduation’s over a month away!”

“Uh-huh, but the doc said the baby’s not—so I figured to come on now in case I couldn’t get here with the rest of the family later.” He managed to get one arm loose and extended it to Royce. “Royce, how’re ya?”

“Quite well, thank you, Heath, and very glad to see you.” Royce considered that, of all the Barkley siblings, Heath was the very one that Kate needed now.

“I was about to make more coffee and cut the cake we didn’t eat earlier,” Victoria said.

“I’ll help you, my love,” Royce said quickly. “I’m sure our Kate will entertain Heath.”

Kate curled herself close to her brother on the settee. “Oh, Heath, I’m so glad you’re here!”

“I’m glad I’m here, too.” He studied her face for a moment. “Why do I get the feelin’ somethin’s botherin’ ya, KatieBee?”

She sighed. “Because it is!”

“Wanta tell me about it?”

“You’re the only one who’d understand!”

“I’m listenin’.” Keeping a protective arm around his little sister, he sat back and waited.

“Did Mother tell you where I was?”

“Yep.”

“So you already know what’s wrong.”

“Yep.”

“I wrote a note to Amanda and told her that I didn’t mind if we chose the junior ushers this year—but my choice was India Franklin.”

“Uh-huh.”

“I—I don’t think they’ll like it.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Oh, Heath, there’s only a month of school left, and I’ll lose all my friends over this! But I couldn’t let them—it isn’t right!”

“Ya don’t lose real friends over anythin’, KatieBee.”

“But they are my friends! We’ve gone to school together since we were little girls in the primary class! And some of them already think I’m rather odd because I’m going on to college and—and not coming out.”

“That’s when ya have one o’them parties where everybody gets duded up fit ta kill, and the girls have ta practically put their chins on th’ floor and...”

Kate giggled. “They curtsey!”

“Oh, yeah—and hope they don’t fall on their pretty faces!”

“You’re terrible, Heath!”

“Why’d ya decided not ta do that—I take it ya did decide?”

“Mother said I could, but—well, we always come to the ranch in June, and then Papa said we’d go to New York later—there’s a gathering of some of his old classmates at West Point, you see, and I know he wants Mother and me with him. There’s just not time for everything!”

“He sure does like ta show ya off.”

Kate smiled softly. “I was thinking about making my debut—honestly, I was—but I’d rather come to the ranch, especially with the new baby—and I wouldn’t disappoint Papa for anything!”

“You’re a good girl, KatieBee.” Heath tugged her braid affectionately.

“I’m just very lucky, Heath.” She jumped up as her parents entered the room. “I’ll serve, Mother.”

* * * * * * * *

Victoria sat on the edge of her daughter’s bed. “Are you all right, darling?”

“Not really, Mother. The note to Amanda—well, I told her I chose India Franklin to walk with me.”

“I see.”

“They’ll freeze me out now—Amanda and the rest.”

“Possibly. How do you feel about that?”

“I hate it, Mother! This is my senior year, and it’s supposed to be special!”

“But you wrote the note knowing what would happen.”

“It—it was the right thing to do.”

“You didn’t write it because you felt it was expected of you, I hope.”

“No, but I was so angry when you told me about what Mrs. Cummings said, and—oh, Mother, I’m no different from India! If—if Annie had lived to raise me, I’d be just like India—and there wouldn’t even have been any money for me to go to a good school! I’d have been like. . .”

“Like Heath.”

Kate nodded wordlessly. “I’m so glad he came tonight.”

“I am, too. You needed him.”

“He had a hard time of it growing up in Strawberry, didn’t he?”

“And he had a hard time making his place in Stockton, too.”

“But he did. Nick says everybody likes and respects him now.” She turned over and reached for her mother’s hands. “Tell me again about how you and Papa decided to take me.”

“He was enchanted with you from the moment he saw you. One day he rode out with the boys, and, when they headed one way, he headed the other—back to the orphanage. I knew where he’d been as soon as he came in later.” She smiled at the memory. “He looked just like a little boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar. So, I told him we needed to talk.”

“But Papa was against it at first.”

“He was concerned that it would change things between us. We’d only been married six months, and we weren’t young.”

“Did I change things, Mother?”

“Yes—you brought a whole new dimension to our relationship. Watching Royce learn to be a father—seeing his devotion to you—I think I learned to love him in ways I never knew were possible.”

“Love is a complicated thing, isn’t it?”

“Love has so many facets that one never discovers them all, I think. But I would say that your father and I have been fortunate to experience more than most.”

“I wish graduation wasn’t a month away.”

“You’ve made a difficult choice, Kate, and now you must live with the consequences.”

“Like you did when you accepted Heath?”

“I lost friends, yes. Jarrod lost a few clients, and Nick lost a buyer or two. But we never regretted our decision.”

“It was harder on Nick though.”

“Nick doesn’t like change. He wasn’t particularly pleased when I married your father, but now they’re the best of friends.”

“And he and Heath are so close they’re almost like the same person.”

“None of it was easy, Kate, and these next few weeks won’t be easy for you. Don’t hold in your hurt, darling. Share it with your father and me. Let us hurt with you.”

Kate sighed deeply. “You and Papa were so happy about my graduation and everything.”

“We still are,” Victoria said briskly, reaching for the book of poems that lay open on the table beside the bed. “Remember this one, Kate darling?”

I have to live with myself, and so

I want to be fit for myself to know.

I want to be able, as days go by,

Always to look myself straight in the eye.

I don’t want to stand, with the setting sun,

And hate myself for things I have done.**

Royce put his head in the door. “May I come in and say goodnight?”

He sat down on the other side of the bed and kissed Kate’s forehead. “You are a wondrous creation, Kate precious. I’m very proud of you.”

“Thank you, Papa, but right now I just feel really scared. I know I did the right thing, but now I’m wondering why I did it—considering what’s going to happen!”

“It will be all right, Kate. Not tomorrow or next week perhaps, but by and by.”

“I know, but. . .” A single tear slipped down her cheek. “I’m just not very brave, Papa.”

“On the contrary, you are the bravest young lady I know.”

* * * * * * * *

“It breaks my heart to know what lies ahead of her,” Royce observed as he got into bed.

“She’ll be stronger for it.” Victoria finished brushing her hair and rose from the dressing table.

“Eventually. It’s the now that’s so hard.”

“You’re a good man, Royce—a good father.”

“I’ve tried.”

“And you’ve succeeded. Kate and I are very fortunate to have you.” Victoria slipped into bed beside him and pillowed her head against his shoulder. “I feel sorry for the others, you know. They’ll come face to face with life one day and be completely unable to really live it. But Kate—well, she’ll meet life head on and live it with the joy that comes from knowing who she is and what she wants to accomplish.”

* * * * * * * *

**The lines of poetry are from “Myself” by Edgar A. Guest.

Part III

Kate went to school reluctantly on Monday morning and came home in tears that afternoon. As she’d predicted, she’d been frozen out completely. After dinner—for which she had little appetite—Heath took her for a long walk.

“It ain’t easy, KatieBee, I know that.”

She broke into tears again. “I didn’t tell Mother and Papa, but—but they said terrible things about me, Heath! They said I’d taken India Franklin’s part because—because I was a—a. . .”

“Easy, KatieBee. Nice young ladies don’t talk like that.”

“You know what they said—not in so many words, of course, but. . .”

“Yeah, I know what they said. Remember that Christmas when I told ya that wasn’t the last time ya’d hear those kinds of things?”

“You were right.”

“Yeah—but ya lived through that, and ya’ll live through this.”

“Right now I don’t care if I even graduate!”

“How’re ya goin’ ta college and medical school if ya don’t graduate?”

“Oh, Heath!”

“I spent some time with Gene today. He’s doin’ somethin’ nobody understands either—givin’ up his practice here and movin’ out ta San Francisco ta set up that free clinic.”

“I understand. So do Mother and Papa.” She giggled a little through her tears. “But I bet Nick doesn’t.”

“Nick’ll come around.”

“He’ll be here for graduation and know what’s happened. He’ll be mad.”

“Not at you.”

“You’d better tell him about it when you get home. Let him do his exploding there and be done with it.”

“Sure, I’ll tell him.”

“Heath—when you think about all the mean things people did to you—said about you—do you ever get mad?”

“Not anymore.”

“Truly?”

“Swear ta—well, that’s the truth.” He chuckled.

“So you think I’ll get over all this, too?”

“I know it, honey.”

“Heath—will you walk me to school tomorrow?”

“Ya bet I will.”

She tucked her arm through his and sighed.

* * * * * * * *

Victoria loosened her fingers around the delicate teacup lest she shatter it. “Exactly what is it you’re trying to say, Mrs. Cummings?” The afternoon sun that filtered through the lace curtains in the parlor made her hair gleam like the silver service on the tea table.

“I just thought you should know what your—what Katherine has done. It reflects on you.”

“Oh, I hope it does!”

“Excuse me?”

“Kate’s been brought up to respect others—and herself.”

“So you knew what she wrote to Amanda?”

“I had a very good idea.”

“And you allowed it?”

“My husband walked her to your home to deliver the note.”

“Really, Mrs. Wardell, you surprise me! You and your husband are prominent in Nashville, so I’d hardly expect you to have such—such plebian attitudes!”

Victoria threw back her head and laughed. “Mrs. Cummings,” she said when she’d recovered herself, “I was born in a mining camp and eloped to California with my first husband when I was seventeen years old. I herded cattle, branded them, froze in the winter and sweated in summer, and gave birth to my first child on the dirt floor of a dugout—with no doctor in attendance! If you thought I was of the aristocracy, you’re sadly mistaken!”

“Really, Mrs. Wardell, I. . .”

“My husband was the son of a poor dirt farmer who was also an itinerant minister. He spent almost ten years at various frontier posts and resigned his commission to fight for the South—which, as you can imagine, was a very unpopular thing for him to do at the time—at least in the North! He is not of the aristocracy either!”

Mrs. Cummings’ mouth worked like a fish out of water.

“As for our daughter—our beloved daughter Kate—she was born in a deserted line shack to a mother who was younger than she is now—and an unknown father. Oh, you may as well hear the facts, Mrs. Cummings! They’re certainly more original than the speculation! Royce and I took her when she was five days old, and we’ve been honest with her about her origins. I believe my husband put it, How you come into the world is of no consequence—it’s how you live in the world once you’re here that’s important.”

The other woman set aside her cup and saucer and half rose from the chair, but Victoria wasn’t finished.

“You might ask yourself, Mrs. Cummings, what is the true measure of a person’s worth? It isn’t money—nor position in society, you see. It’s the breadth of the heart to encompass our fellow travelers on the road of life. It’s the depth of the soul to feel empathy and compassion for them. I’m so very proud of my daughter—yes, my daughter, Mrs. Cummings, for family isn’t formed by blood but rather by love.” She rose imperiously.

“Kate is deeply wounded over all this—but she’s unwavering in her belief that she did the right thing. And she’ll survive and go on to live a shining life of happiness and satisfaction.”

Victoria nodded toward the door. “I’ll see you out, Mrs. Cummings.”

* * * * * * * *

Heath was waiting for his little sister when she came out of school that afternoon—alone. She broke into tears the moment she saw him.

“Oh, Heath, today was awful—and I’ve done a terrible thing! I’ve made everything worse for India Franklin! Now everyone’s talking about her, too!”

“I thought they were talkin’ about her before.”

“But not like now! It’s all my fault, Heath! I was being so noble and. . .”

“Now, hang on a minute there, darlin’—it’s not your fault that anybody’s talkin’ about anybody.”

“Yes, it is, and. . .” She buried her face in his shirt front and sobbed, oblivious to the fact that groups of girls exiting the building were staring at her and murmuring together.

Heath patted her comfortingly. “Now, KatieBee, listen ta me. . .” He stopped as another girl approached them. She was tall, too, very fair with hair that was almost white, and gray eyes set deep in a delicate face.

“Miss Wardell. . .”

Kate looked up.

“Oh—oh, Miss Franklin! I. . .”

“We’re not in school. Could you call me India?”

Kate mopped her face with the large handkerchief that Heath proffered. “If you’ll call me Kate.”

“I’m sorry I’ve caused you so much difficulty.”

“I’m the one who’s made the trouble!” Kate’s eyes were large with misery.

“I just wanted to tell you that you needn’t choose me to walk with you—I won’t be attending the exercises.”

“But—why not?”

“I’m—we’re leaving Nashville.”

“Leaving!”

The other girl nodded. “Yes, next week. My—aunt has arranged for us to go to Atlanta.”

Kate’s eyes flashed. “They’ve run you off—Amanda and the others!”

India sighed. “It’s not the first time it’s happened.”

“It’s not right!”

The girl shrugged. “That’s just the way it is.”

Heath cleared his throat. “I got a yen for some ice cream, ladies. My treat.”

Kate looked around at him. “We’ll have to go home and tell Mother first, Heath. She’ll worry.”

“We can do that. How about you, Miss India?”

“I—I shouldn’t.”

“Oh, India, this is my brother Heath from Stockton, California. He came to visit now because his new baby is due about the time I graduate.”

“Five.” Heath held up five fingers and grinned broadly.

India’s face turned a shade darker. “Oh. Oh, my.”

“Do come with us, India. We’ll stop by and ask your mo—your aunt.” Kate cringed at her careless words.

This time the girl’s face flamed. “She is my mother, and I’m not ashamed of it! She just wanted to make things easier on me this time by saying she’s my aunt!” She turned to leave, but Heath caught her arm.

“Don’t go off like that,” he said firmly. “You’re right, and th’ others are wrong.”

“Please, India—I’d like to meet your—your mother, and I’d like for you to meet mine.”

Heath offered each girl an arm. “Ladies?”

Kate giggled. “Oh, Heath, you remind me of Papa when you do that!”

He grinned. “Where d’ya think I learned it, honey?”

Victoria, still inwardly raging over Lora Cummings’ visit, was cordial to India Franklin and gave permission for the excursion to the ice cream parlor. The next stop was the small but elegant brownstone where India lived. Kate couldn’t help catching her breath at the resemblance between India and her mother.

“Please, may India go? My brother Heath is chaperoning us.”

Andrea Franklin hesitated. “Do you want to go, India?”

“Yes—please.”

“All right.” She cupped the girl’s face in hands. “All right.”

Heath kept them laughing almost too hard to finish their generous dishes of ice cream. What his children—and Nick’s combined—couldn’t get into just simply couldn’t be thought of, Mother always said.

“So I fished Leah outta th’ trough by th’ back door and sorta shook her out—and Mark comes runnin’ outta th’ barn, trips over th’ dog, and lands in th’ trough—and—Jehosephat!—didn’t their mothers come outta th’ house yellin’ and carryin’ on—and not at them—at me!”

Kate wiped her eyes on her napkin. “Oh, Heath! That’s so funny!”

India was smiling, too. “It must be nice having brothers and sisters.”

“Well, mine are all so much older, you see, it’s almost like having extra sets of parents,” Kate began.

“Present company excepted.” Heath took a bite of ice cream.

“Audra and Gene are younger than you, and you know it! My youngest brother is a doctor here in Nashville, India—Dr. Eugene Barkley.”

“I’ve heard of him. He’s a surgeon.”

“That’s right—the best there is!”

“Tell me about the others.”

“Jarrod—he’s the oldest—is a lawyer, and Nick runs the ranch.”

“With my help,” Heath interjected good-naturedly.

“Nick and Heath run the ranch,” Kate corrected herself. “My sister Audra is married to Jarrod’s law partner. She’s so beautiful, India! I want you to meet her at graduation!”

“Aunt—that is, Mother and I have no family,” India said quietly. “None that has anything to do with us anyway. My grandfather pays our expenses—as long as we stay out of Philadelphia and don’t embarrass him.”

“Sounds like his loss,” Heath observed.

India shrugged and toyed with her spoon. “I really like Nashville. I wish we didn’t have to leave.”

“Can’t run away from things,” Heath said.

“But we do. We always do.”

* * * * * * * *

“You did exactly the right thing, Victoria my love,” Royce assured her as she paced furiously. “Come, sit down.”

“It was all I could do not to throw my teacup in her—her aristocratic face!”

“I’m rather glad you didn’t. It’s your favorite set and difficult to find replacements for.”

Victoria let out her breath in exasperation, then laughed. “Royce, you are the most infuriatingly logical man!”

He caught her hand and pulled her down beside him. “The woman behaved abominably, but perhaps your blunt disclosure will end the matter.”

“Not for Kate.”

He sighed. “No, not for Kate. Not for awhile.”

The sound of Kate’s laughter as she came through the front door with Heath lightened Victoria’s mood.

“I like that sound,” Royce said to Kate as she entered the parlor.

“Mother says young ladies don’t giggle,” Kate replied, glancing saucily at her mother.

“Perhaps you’re the exception, darling,” her mother said patiently. “Did you have a nice time?”

“Oh, yes! Did Heath tell you the story about Mark and Leah and the water trough? It was wonderful! Mother, India Franklin is so lovely—and now—now they’re leaving because of all this!” Her face fell. “It’s not fair! It’s just not fair!”

Heath stretched his long legs in front of him and contemplated the tips of his boots. “Ya know, seems ta me the mother’d just say her husband was dead or somethin’—yeah, I know it’s a lie, but sometimes. . .”

Royce shook his head. “I made some discreet inquiries. The Franklins are among the cream of Philadelphia society, and their daughter’s—um—unfortunate circumstances—were well known there. The father settled a large sum on her with the understanding that she would never come home again—and he made one other stipulation—that she live with the consequences of her actions.”

“What does that mean?” Victoria asked irritably.

“Simply that she continue to use the Franklin name and not do what Heath suggested.”

“But she poses as India’s aunt!” Kate exclaimed.

“Well, perhaps that’s a concession she feels necessary.” Royce went to the credenza. “A sherry before dinner, Victoria? Heath?”

They both nodded, and he filled their glasses.

“Kate, run upstairs and make yourself tidy for dinner,” Victoria said absently. “We won’t dress tonight.”

Kate rose obediently. “I still think India and her mother should stay.”

Part IV

To Kate, the days she had looked forward to as her glory days crept by interminably. She was much alone at school. Though she and India Franklin were becoming friends, they were separated by academic classes and saw little of each other.

On the Saturday after Heath’s departure, Kate rose feeling very lonely. She changed the linens on her bed and brought the old ones downstairs to be picked up by the laundry. Her parents were already at the breakfast table. “We thought you might like to sleep a little later this morning,” her mother said.

Kate shook her head. “No.”

“What are your plans for today, Kate?” asked her father.

“I don’t have any.”

“Isn’t the school picnic coming up soon?”

“It’s today—but I’m not going.”

Royce exchanged glances with Victoria. “I see.”

“No one speaks to me anymore. I’m not going to spend the afternoon sitting by myself.”

“Of course not. There’s no reason why you should.” He laid his hand over hers. “I’m very sorry, Kate precious. Doing the right thing is often difficult and unrewarding.”

Her head came up swiftly. “I’m not sorry!”

“If you’re at peace with yourself, then that’s all that counts.” He refilled his coffee cup, then Victoria’s.

“I know I did the right thing, but. . .” Tears started down her cheeks. “Oh, Papa, I’m so miserable! I’ve lost all my friends! And I hate school now! I hate it!”

There was mutual pain in the glance he exchanged with Victoria, who got up and came around the table to take her weeping daughter in her arms.

“I know, darling,” she murmured, putting her lips against the girl’s hair. “I know.”

* * * * * * * *

Kate sat disconsolately at the kitchen table watching Mrs. Bonds peel apples for a pie. “Mother bought me a new skirt and waist for the picnic,” she said to no one in particular.

“You’ll wear it another time.”

“But it was for today.”

“I know, sweet baby. It’s too bad.”

“The girls get worse everyday.”

“Just ignore them.”

“They ignore me!”

“Seems to me if you want to wear your new clothes to a picnic, you could have one of your own.”

“By myself?”

“No, ladybug, not by yourself! You’re not the only one left out of things.”

Kate’s face flamed. “You mean India Franklin?”

“That’s who I mean.”

Kate chewed her lip thoughtfully. “Gene only works a half day on Saturdays. I’ll bet he and Olivia would like to come along.”

“Be one of the last times you’ll get to do something together—with them moving and all.”

Victoria put her head through the swinging door. “Oh, there you are, Kate. Would you like to. . .”

Kate jumped up. “Mother, let’s have a picnic of our own! We could ask Gene and Olivia and—and India and her mother!”

Victoria winked at Mrs. Bonds. “That’s a lovely idea, Kate darling. And there’s one more person we should ask. Rand Vandemere just arrived. That’s why I was looking for you.”

“Uncle Rand? Oh, Mother, why didn’t you say so?” Kate flew past her mother and disappeared down the hall.

“You didn’t have much trouble convincing her, I take it?” Victoria said to the housekeeper.

“Just gave her the idea, that’s all. I’ll get this pie in the oven and fry the chicken. I already squeezed the lemons for the lemonade.”

“You are a wonder, Mrs. Bonds,” Victoria said, turning to go. “I’ll be back to help you as soon as I’ve told Mr. Wardell about our plans.”

* * * * * * * *

Ten days later, Victoria and Royce sat near the front of the auditorium with Jarrod, Nick, Audra, and Eugene and Olivia. Lila Franklin, escorted by Rand Vandemere who had extended his stay in Nashville not entirely because of the graduation exercises, sat with them. They all turned to watch as Kate, wearing her new white dress, came down the aisle with India Franklin, who wore pale pink to match the roses Kate carried.

When the class standings were announced, Katherine Barkley Wardell’s name was read first—and enthusiastically applauded by those who mattered most. Each year, the girl who led the class was expected to demonstrate poise and intelligence by speaking extemporaneously, but Kate had known all along that she’d be first, and she was prepared.

From behind the podium, she smiled bravely into the faces of those she loved with all her heart. She thanked the faculty for their collective efforts and her family for their love and encouragement. Suddenly, her courage almost failed her—almost but not quite. Locking eyes with her mother, she drew a deep breath and plunged on.

“I’ve learned many lessons in life, and there are many more to learn. But there is one lesson that—if it is forgotten—negates all others. It is spoken most succinctly in the words of a poem my Mother taught me, and I’d like to share it with you now.”

I have to live with myself, and so

I want to be fit for myself to know.

I want to be able, as days go by,

Always to look myself straight in the eye.

I don’t want to stand with the setting sun,

And hate myself for things I have done.

Victoria’s lips moved in silent unison.

I want to go out with my head erect;

I want do deserve all men’s respect.

But here in the struggle for fame and pelf

I want to be able to like myself.

I don’t want to look at myself and know

That I’m bluster and bluff and empty show.

I can never hide myself from me;

I see what others may never see;

I know what others may never know.

I can never fool myself, and so

Whatever happens, I want to be

Self-respecting and conscience free.

There was dead silence among the capacity crowd. She knew that most of the people didn’t understand—and most of those who did were even now rejecting the words. Quietly, she returned to her seat and sat down. The girl beside her stared with thinly-disguised contempt. Kate smiled, resisted the temptation to lift her chin haughtily, and folded her trembling hands.

Afterwards, electing to skip the reception where she knew she would be unwelcome, she found cake and punch waiting at home for the family, the Franklins, and Rand Vandemere.

Nick made the first toast. “To our KatieBee—first in her class and better than those other little—um—girls any day of the week!”

Kate, standing between her parents, smiled a little shakily. The disappointment and hurt of the last weeks lingered despite her clear conscience. “Not better, Nick,” she said softly, feeling the warmth of her parents’ arms around her. “Not better—just luckier.”

Jarrod raised his glass. “Hear, hear!”

Royce kissed her cheek. “To our Kate—our miracle—the joy of our lives.”

“I’m a better woman because of being your mother,” Victoria whispered in her ear. “You are loved.”

* * * * * * * *

Excerpt from the diary of Dr. Katherine Barkley Wardell:

Graduation was bittersweet. I was eighteen—not a child, but not yet a woman with the wisdom and resiliency to fully accept the dissolution of my dreams. That Mother and Papa understood and accepted my feelings comforted me. Jarrod, Nick, Audra, and Gene understood, too, and each of them let me know that in a private moment.

Mother said that all clouds had a silver lining, and my silver lining was India Franklin—who became my friend, the kind of friend that endures for a lifetime. She and her mother stayed in Nashville, and when she finished at Miss Beauville’s the next spring, she accompanied her mother and Rand Vandemere on their wedding trip to Europe!

Afterwards, the newlyweds settled in New Orleans. Rand often commented that he’d waited half a lifetime for the right wife. They were supremely happy for thirty years.

India studied fashion design and became the very successful owner of a very exclusive shop in Boston. A year after I married Teddy, she married Philip, a widower with a seven-year-old daughter. They made their home near Boston where he practiced law and later became a judge. She was devoted to Julia, and she and Philip had a second daughter, Elizabeth. We keep in frequent touch.

Now when I look back on my last days at Miss Beauville’s, it is with less sadness for myself and more with regret for the other girls who were not so fortunate as I in their parents and other family. Most of them made what were considered good marriages, but they lived the same lives their parents and grandparents lived—with no vision of the wider world which I have enjoyed.

It isn’t how you come into the world but how you live in it once you’re here, Papa told me more than once. Gene echoed those same sentiments when he spoke proudly of the children he’d cared for in San Francisco—children born into poverty and ignorance who went on to become shining examples of courage and determination.

For a long time, even after I learned the truth, I couldn’t think of Annie except with regret—until one day when Nick went with me to take flowers to the cemetery. I don’t remember what I said that prompted his comments, but I remember every word that he spoke.

Her life wasn’t a waste, KatieBee. She succeeded in everything she did—got away from her father and made sure you stayed alive even when she didn’t. And she gave more in her fifteen or sixteen years than most people give in sixty! Look at what she gave Mother and Royce—a child to raise together, a child they wouldn’t have had at their time of life! Think about that M.D. after your name—think about all the people you’ve taken care of and the students you’ve taught! And John and Vicky—they wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for her!

Nah, KatieBee, her life wasn’t wasted, not by a long shot! If it wasn’t for her. . .

He choked up then, and I put my arms around him and hugged him for a long time. He was right. Everything was because of her. I hoped that perhaps she knew after all.

As we walked away, the words I’d spoken so many years ago echoed in my ears—but it was Mother’s voice that I heard.

I have to live with myself, and so

I want to be fit for myself to know. . .

And I had been. I wasn’t perfect. There was much I would change—tried daily to change in my willful heart. But I could live with myself—yes, I could do that.

THE END