A Time to Laugh

A Parody Sequel to A Time To Weep

By Hope

This is a PARODY of a sequel to A Time To Weep.

I'd like to thank Nancy for her time and expert advice & editing help (and also her funny notes), and Kierin for posting this on the Angelfire Tales of The Ponderosa site for me. A thank you also goes out to David Dortort for creating those wonderful Cartwrights and letting me borrow them. As always thanks to Matt, Danny, Drew and Jared for their terrific portrayals of the Cartwrights which I try to capture in my tales. The usual disclaimers apply. Rated PG-17 for a questionable word and violent content. Not recommended for those with weak stomachs. LOL

PREFACE

David Mandible, all around evildoer and not-very-nice person, had finally met his doom after three episodes of harassing, threatening, kidnapping, and torturing poor, handsome Adam Cartwright. Adam's good brother, Hoss, while accompanied by a naughty Little Joe, had shot Mandible when he was about to shoot a disgusted Pa and as Adam lay dying, yet cute, nearby.

Adam recovered from death's door, of course, but went through the usual groans, moans and grimacing along the way. The family rejoiced at having Number One Son safe so they could get on with the business of fighting bad guys and building their empire.

Adam is back with his family now. His broken hand, which he foolishly rammed into a wall when he had been hallucinating that he was hitting Mandible instead, is still healing in a cast and his arm is in a sling. His brothers were thrilled at the time Adam was rescued from the terrible clutches of Mandible, and when he miraculously survived, but eventually Adam's recuperation period dragged on and doing his chores is beginning to wear on Hoss and Little Joe. The phrase "brothers will be brothers" is becoming quite irksome to Adam as Pa reminds him of it time and time again each time his brothers make fun of his infirmity. Having the use of only one hand/arm is proving to be a big hindrance even for the smallest task, and Adam being Adam is continuing to refuse to ask for any help. His younger brothers delight in seeing their stubborn brother struggle, and Pa is attempting to keep out of it though he is keeping an eye on the situation and is ready to step in if the brothers' escapades escalate to the point of bloodshed.

Hop Sing continues to keep quietly in the background and continues to mutter in Chinese.

Friends of the family stop by often, many with Adam's favorite dessert - apple strudel. They heard that Adam had been practically starved to death while in captivity and want to help him put weight back on any way they can - which for many of them means tempting him with the strudel. Now Adam being the gentleman he is doesn't have the heart to tell the people that strudel is the last thing he wants to set eyes on. See, Mandible had served him rancid water and rat meat throughout his incarceration and at one point even had the rat meat baked into a strudel. So the sight of any kind of strudel these days sends Adam running to the outhouse to ralph all over the place. But Hoss, being the considerate brother he is, and also a connoisseur of anything labeled "food", graciously volunteers to dispose of the gifts for his brother. And what does Little Joe do while the strudel offerings are going on? Well, he's normally sitting back laughing at his oldest brother's plight and teasing Hoss about needing to take out yet another notch in his belt. So much for brotherly love.

And now on with the story.

************

David Mandible's lawyer, a guy with a crooked nose and long curly blond hair, read the section of the will that pertained to Mandible's faithful cook:

"To Maury I leave my entire estate with the stipulation that Maury must first carry out my last wish (if by the time of the reading of this will I have failed) to kill Adam Cartwright in a gruesome manner that his father will remember till the end of time. I also leave Maury my blue tie that he keeps pestering me about."

Maury's eyes bugged out as his portion of the will was read. The lawyer was used to such requests and never batted an eye. He looked over the top of his glasses at the cook and asked, "Well?"

"Oh goody, I get the tie!"

"No, you idiot! Not 'well' about the tie. 'Well' about Adam Cartwright."

Tall, skinny Maury was a cook, not a hired killer, yet the notion of making a fortune that way intrigued him. And he'd been wanting to start his own fast food restaurant chain for a long time but had lacked the money to do it. "Gee, how long do I have, Mr. Lawyer with long, curly blond hair?"

"Three months. It takes a month to get out to the territory. Then you get a month to enact your dastardly plan. Then another month to get back here with a certified statement from the local undertaker as to Adam Cartwright's cause of death."

Maury furrowed his brow and expelled a long, deep breath.

The lawyer held out the blue tie, which Maury eagerly grabbed, and also gave Maury a copy of the will. The lawyer then tossed the cook a packet of breath mints. "Here. He left you these, too. Still going a little heavy on the garlic, eh, Maury?"

Maury fumbled but caught the mints. "Thanks." He got up. "See ya in three months."

"Good luck. By the way. If you don't succeed, the gardener gets a shot at Cartwright next."

Maury hated that gardener - especially since Mandible had gotten the man a new weed whacker. "Don't worry. Piece of cake."

The lawyer cringed at the droll comment, fingered his long golden locks, and watched as Maury set off on his new adventure.

************

One month and one week later back in Ponderosa land, Adam's right hand was still in a cast. Hop Sing hadn't been very good at setting his broken hand but fortunately for Adam, Doctor Paul Martin has since arrived (finally) to set up practice. The doctor's first patient in Eagle Station was blue-eyed, sexy yet traumatized Adam Cartwright.

"Well, what do we have here?" the doctor asked as he made an initial examination of Adam's heavily bandaged hand.

Adam grimaced, (as by this time in the story he should've grimaced), and said, "I broke it."

The doctor eyed him and said, "Duh."

Ben, Adam's long-suffering father, looked on and chuckled. Adam didn't appreciate that but was too busy grimacing to let on.

Doc Martin examined the makeshift cast and noticed some funny markings on it. "What's this?"

Ben, still watching from the sidelines, responded, "That's Hop Sing's instructions for when we take the cast off."

Doc Martin put his spectacles on and peered closer at the cast as Adam rolled his eyes.

"Stop, Son. The doc's just trying to help you."

"He can't read Chinese."

Doc Martin continued examining the markings on the cast. "Wonder what it says?"

Ben strode over, grabbed the very end of the cast by Adam's elbow, and gave a strong yank.

Adam screamed as the cast was pulled off.

The doctor was a bit shocked by what Ben Cartwright had just done.

Ben shrugged and explained, "It said, 'pull here'."

Adam glared at his father and remarked through clenched and perfectly-white teeth, "Thanks, Pa."

Ben smiled. "Don't mention it, Son."

The doctor tsk tsk'd and grabbed a hold of Adam's hand.

"Ouch!" Adam tried to jerk his hand away.

The new doctor wasn't one to mince words. "Ya big baby. Hold still."

Adam retorted, "Love your bedside manner, Doc."

The doctor ignored him and continued to scrutinize the hand. "Ah. I see we have a problem here."

"We?" Adam muttered sarcastically.

The doctor grasped Adam's hand tighter.

"Ow!"

"Next time have a little respect for your elders, my boy."

Oh, if looks could kill Adam would never have to use his pistol on this guy.

Ben wiped the smile off his face long enough to ask, "What do you think, Paul?"

"I think I'm going to have to re-break it."

Adam jerked his hand away. "Say what?!"

Oh dear, poor adorable Adam was in for more torture.

************

Five hours later, Ben and Adam got back to the ranch in the buckboard - Ben seated on the seat and Adam partially sedated in the back. Ben set the brake and climbed down as he called Hoss, Little Joe, and Hop Sing over. "Help me with Adam."

"Oh, jeez," Little Joe whined as he meandered over. "What's wrong with him now?"

Hoss muttered to himself, "I know. Get him into bed. Wait on him hand and foot. Yadayadayada ..."

Hop Sing mumbled something in Chinese. (Translation - "Crazy Cartwrights!")

Ben helped his beloved son out of the buckboard as he explained, "The doctor had to re-break his hand to set it properly." He glared at Hop Sing. "Somebody didn't do a very good job the first time."

Hop Sing again mumbled in Chinese. (Translation - "I save Number One Son's life. But do I get a thank you? Nooooooooo!")

Adam staggered to the door, assisted by Ben and Hoss. Little Joe carried his hat. "Stupid hat anyway." He kicked at some dirt and followed them inside.

Hop Sing lagged behind, feeling under-appreciated.

"Hop Sing!" Ben bellowed.

Hop Sing mumbled one last time. (Translation - "Take this job and ...")

The Chinese man shuffled into the house and closed the door.

************

A week later, Ben and Hop Sing rode off to Sacramento - Ben on business and Hop Sing to then continue on to San Francisco to visit cousins. The three boys watched as the two headed out.

"Wonder what business Pa has in Sacramento this time?" Hoss asked innocently.

Adam, the perceptive one in the family, eyed his brother. "Hoss, why are you so thick?"

"Huh?"

"It's female business. Why do you think he always comes back smiling?"

Little Joe looked up at his two brothers wondering what Adam was talking about.

It took several long moments but Hoss finally figured it out. "Oh. I get it."

Adam rolled those incredible eyes of his and started to walk off.

Little Joe chased after him. "I'm tellin'!" Pa said to stop rolling yer eyes, Adam. Yer a bad influence on us."

Hoss followed after them.

Adam kept walking. "Shut up and go muck out the stables, Little Joe."

Little Joe whined, "Me? It's yer turn!"

Adam stopped, turned back to him with a smirk, and pointed to his cast and sling. "I'm injured, remember?"

"Yer always injured."

Hoss came up beside them. "Yeah, Adam. There's always somethin' wrong with ya."

Little Joe seconded that.

Adam looked hurt. "You think I wanted to go through all that? You think I enjoyed being kidnapped, tortured, starved, etc., etc., etc.?"

Hoss stared at his feet and kicked at a little dirt. "Oh, I'm sorry, Adam. I didn't mean ..."

Adam continued, practically in tears. "You think it was a picnic having the doctor re-break my hand?!"

Little Joe also acted contrite. "Well - no - uh ..."

"You both think this is easy going around with the use of only one hand all the time - while you two make fun of me?"

Hoss spread his hands. "Gee, Adam, we're sorry. Honest."

Little Joe hung his head in shame. "Yeah. We're sorry, Adam."

"You should be. Jeez!" He sniffled. "Now, will you please go muck out the stalls and do the other chores Pa had on the list?"

Hoss and Little Joe nodded, still apologetic. Hoss remarked, "Sher, Adam. We're sorry we gave ya a hard time."

Little Joe added, "Yeah."

The two younger brothers headed toward the barn with heads hung.

Adam watched them go and the corners of his devilishly-charming mouth began to curve up. "Guilt. Works every time." He whistled and headed off for a nice, long nap.

************

Adam opened the door to find Big Dan standing there with a big pan of apple strudel.

"Hey, Adam. How ya feelin'?"

It took all of Adam's willpower not to ralph all over Big Dan. His brow started to perspire as he glanced at the food. "Uh, not too good."

Daniel shoved the pan The Gorgeous One's way. "Well, here. I brung ya somethin'."

Adam quickly set it on a nearby chair, choked out, "Thanks," and rushed to the porch. Daniel followed him.

"Yer lookin' a might peeked, Adam. Maybe ya better lie down?"

"Little Joe and Hoss are in the barn. Go say hi to them!" Adam said quickly before covering his mouth and rushing off toward the outhouse.

Daniel scratched his whiskers. "Poor kid." He headed toward the barn.

Little Joe and Hoss were coming out and stopped as Daniel reached them.

"Hello, Hoss. Little Joe."

Hoss shook hands with him. "Good to see ya, Daniel."

"Same here, Hoss."

Little Joe glanced up at him. "What'd ya bring me?"

Daniel laughed. "Now, Little Joe, every time I come here ya ask me the same thing."

"Well?"

"Sorry. I didn't bring ya nothin'. Jus' brung some apple strudel for Adam."

Little Joe and Hoss exchanged a grin.

"I say somethin' funny?"

Joe had merriment in his eyes. "D'ja give it to him yet?"

"Uh huh."

"Darn! I wanted ta be there."

"What fer?"

"Oh, nuthin'. I jus' like ta see ol' Adam's face 'cause he likes strudel so much." Little Joe winked at Hoss.

"Yeah," Hoss chuckled.

Big Dan didn't get the joke. "Y'all take care of that brother of yers. He wasn't lookin' so good jus' now."

The two brothers exchanged another grin. Joe giggled, "Oh, we'll take real good care of him. Don't 'cha worry."

Daniel still didn't get the joke and turned to leave. "Y'all need me while yer Pa's gone, ya know where to find me."

Hoss responded, "Yeah. Thanks fer comin', Big Dan. And thanks fer the strudel."

Daniel mounted up and said as he was leaving, "Jus' make sher Adam gets most of it. Gotta git some meat back on him." He turned his horse and headed away from the ranch.

Hoss and Little Joe called out, "We will." Joe smiled at his brother. "Come on, Hoss. Let's see if Adam's turned that funny shade of green again."

Hoss nodded and laughed, "Yeah. I'm just plumb tired of him being so perfect all the time.

"Yep."

Hoss rubbed his hand together and drooled, "I'm gonna have me some strudel tonight!"

Little Joe giggled. "Me, too!"

************

Maury, the tall, skinny cook, had arrived in Eagle Station a few days earlier. He had casually asked around about the Cartwrights and had heard all about their troubles with Mandible. Pretending sympathy toward Adam and the rest of the family, Maury was able to gather a lot of information from the townsfolk regarding the Cartwrights' plight. One thing of particular interest was the fact that people were gifting the eldest Cartwright son with his favorite dessert - apple strudel. Ah ha! thought Maury. I can whip up the best apple strudel in the world for Adam. Unfortunately mine will be sprinkled with just the right amount of poison. Then when Adam croaks a horrible death, I can go back to Boston and claim Mandible's millions! He rubbed his hands in glee. "Oh, goody!"

************

Later that night.

"Oh, Mau-ry," a voice called out in the darkness.

Maury was in his hotel room, teetering on the brink of slumber. He heard the voice again.

"Oh, Mau-ry." It sounded like his own voice.

Maury bolted awake and glanced around. "Who - who's there?"

"It's meeeee, Mau-ry. I'm your con-science."

"What?"

"What are you deaf or something? I said I'm your con-science."

Maury grew frightened. "Wha - what do ya want?"

"You don't want to hurt Adam Cartwright."

Hesitantly, Maury replied, "Yes - I do. I need the money."

"No, you don't, Mau-ry. You don't need it that badly."

"Go away, whoever you are!"

"I told you. I'm your con-science, you idiot!"

"Hey, that's not very nice."

"Nice? You're about to poison a young man you've never even met just to start your own fast food chain and you talk about being nice?"

"What do you care? And since when do I have a conscience? Remember all those times I put bug parts and crushed glass in Mandible's food? Where were ya then? Huh?"

"But that was funny, Mau-ry. And Mandible was a despicable, low-life. But this time I gotta stop ya."

"Aw, go away. Let me sleep."

"So yer gonna go ahead and poison that sweet Adam Cartwright everyone raved about?"

"Yep."

"And I can't talk ya out of it?"

Maury folded his arms and stated resolutely, "Nope."

His conscience sighed. "Well, if that's the way you're gonna be, Mau-ry."

"Yep! By the way, why do ya talk so funny?"

"Because it sounds spoo-ky, Mau-ry.

"Oh."

"Just remember - if you go ahead with this plan then whatever happens you asked fer it."

"Huh?"

"Oh, nothing. Go back to sleep - if ya can, Mau-ry. Hee hee."

Maury frowned, a little unnerved now. "Hey, wait!"

"Bye, Mau-ry."

Maury jumped out of bed and stubbed his toe on a leg of the bed. "Ow!" Grimacing and hopping on one foot he called out, "No! Wait!"

Silence answered him. Maury winced and cried, "Ow!" once more as he grabbed his foot and sat on the edge of the bed. He was no longer so sure that his plan was such a good idea, but he knew he didn't want the gardener to get all of the money. "Gol dang it!"

************

The next morning, Little Joe and Hoss were in the bedroom watching in glee as Adam attempted to get dressed using only one hand. They laughed when he fumbled around trying to get each foot into a sock while trying to open the sock and hold it in position it the same time with just his left hand. Now they were cracking up as he attempted to hold his shirt together and button it with the same hand.

Adam glared at them. "This isn't funny."

With tears in his eyes from laughing so hard, Hoss admitted, "Yes, it is, Adam."

Little Joe rolled on the floor in laughter.

Adam kicked at him while sitting on the bed. "Stop!"

Joe dodged the foot in time. "I can't help it!"

"Yes, you can, Joe. Why don't you two go fix breakfast or drown in the trough or something?" Adam managed to get two buttons done up then realized they were in the wrong holes. "Damn!"

"Ummmmmm, I'm tellin'," Little Joe teased.

"Shut up, Joe."

Hoss guffawed, "Need some help, Brother?"

Adam grabbed his book, yelled, "No!" and threw the book at him. Hoss ducked just as the book flew past him.

Little Joe stood up while still chuckling. "Aw, we jus' wanna help ya, Adam."

Adam got up and started after his two brothers. "Get out!"

Hoss and Little Joe finally took the hint and headed to the door.

"We're goin'," Little Joe giggled.

Adam's blue eyes blazed in anger as he slammed the door. He raked his fingers through his striking jet black hair and groaned, "Six more weeks of this! Argh!"

************

Maury, the tall skinny cook from Boston, decided to ignore his conscience and go ahead with his plan. He had found an abandoned homestead a few days earlier and had decided to cook the strudel there. He bought all of the ingredients for strudel, along with a pan, a bowl and some utensils from the Trading Post. He had already secured the poison from another town, not wanting to attract attention in Eagle Station. He had packed up all of the goods, paid his hotel bill, and moved out to the homestead for a few days. Things were going well and he couldn't wait to see the look on the gardener's face when he came into his millions. "Make fun of my petit fours, will ya?"

************

The next morning, Hoss and Little Joe heard knocking on the front door and strolled over to answer it. There stood a tall, skinny stranger with a big smile on his face and a large pan of apple strudel. Hoss and Joe's eyes lit up in expectation of their older brother's reaction.

"Oh, Adammmmm," Little Joe called out as he smiled at Hoss.

Hoss chuckled and said to their visitor, "Howdy, tall, skinny stranger. What 'cha got there?"

Maury kept smiling. "I heard Adam Cartwright ran into a little trouble some time ago. I also heard he liked apple strudel so I thought I'd be neighborly and make him some."

"You made it?" Little Joe asked with a grin.

"Sure, why not? Ya got something against a man cooking?"

"Nah."

"Aw, he don't mean nuthin', Mister," Hoss explained. I'm Hoss Cartwright and this here's Joe. Adam's our brother."

Maury nodded and said, "I'm Maury. Is that special brother of yours here?"

Little Joe groused, "Oh, jeez! You too?" He turned and called out in a singsong voice, "Oh, Adammmmmm. Someone's here ta see yaaaaaaaaaa. And he brung ya somethin' gooooooood!"

Adam called from the bedroom, also in a singsong voice, "I'm not coming ouuuuuuttttt. I know what it issssssss."

Little Joe and Hoss cracked up. The tall, skinny cook looked at them curiously.

Hoss reached for the pan and replied apologetically, "Uh, he's not feelin' too well, Maury. So if ya jus' wanna leave it, I'll make sher he gits it. Right, Little Joe?"

Little Joe was still chuckling but tried to contain himself. "Right, Hoss."

Maury let Hoss take the pan, then scratched his head. "I don't know. I wanted to make sure that Adam got it. I made it especially for him."

Hoss took a big whiff of the wonderful aroma. "Ahhhh." Then he realized what Maury had just said. "Huh? Oh, I'll make sher Adam gits it."

"Just him, right? I wouldn't want anyone else to ... uh, I mean I know how much he needs to gain his weight back from his terrible ordeal so I just wanted him to have the whole thing. Okay?"

Little Joe grinned again. "Sher, Maury. If that's what ya want. I'm sher Adam will jus' love this." He nudged his brother. "Right, Hoss?"

Hoss was drooling at this point. "Huh? - Oh, yeah, right."

Maury was getting worried that the other boys would eat the strudel. This wasn't working out like he'd planned. He started to grab the pan back. "I better take it back. I, uh - forgot the cinnamon!"

Hoss yanked it away. "No, it's fine. It don't need no cinnamon, Maury!"

Maury grabbed for it again and a tug of war ensued. "No, gimme. I wouldn't want Adam to get crummy strudel!"

Hoss again yanked the strudel back. "He likes crummy food. Hop Sing makes it all the time!"

Little Joe watched with mouth open as the comedic struggle continued.

"Gimme!" Maury tugged on it.

"No! Leave it!" Hoss pulled it away.

"Gimme back my strudel!" Maury tugged harder.

"It's Adam's strudel!" Hoss yanked it back.

"No, it's mine!" Maury tugged one more time just as Hoss decided to let go. Maury and the strudel went flying out the door. Maury landed in a big heap on the porch with strudel all over him.

Hoss and Little Joe came out and stopped in mid-stride at the comical sight.

It took Maury a moment to recover but when he did he realized the strudel was not only all over him, but that some had gotten into his mouth! He jumped up and started gagging and spitting.

Little Joe cringed as Maury did that and Hoss guffawed at the sight of Maury covered with strudel.

Maury was panicking and trying to wipe his mouth off with his shirtsleeve.

"Hey, Maury, what's the matter? It's just a little strudel," Hoss laughed.

"Yeah," Little Joe giggled.

Maury's look was one of sheer terror as he screamed, bolted off the porch, and ran to his wagon. He jumped on, released the brake, and slapped the reins. The horses whinnied and took off. Maury then frantically drove the team away from the Ponderosa.

Hoss and Little Joe exchanged amused looks.

Little Joe shook his head at the mess all over the porch and joked, "Darn. I wanted to see Adam's face when he saw it."

Hoss guffawed, "Yeah, well. Don't worry, Little Joe. People'll keep bringing him strudel until he finally shoots one of 'em."

"Cool!"

Hoss morosely looked at the strudel seeping into the floorboards on the porch and muttered, "Dang! That sher smelled good, too."

************

Maury made it back to the homestead where he collapsed and croaked the horrible death he had planned for Adam. Mandible's lawyer, with the long curly blond hair, and the gardener, Manny, stepped over the body as they came inside the old shack. (The two men had decided to save time, knowing the cook would fail, and so had made the trip out west to be close by when he did.)

Manny cringed at seeing the cook's face contorted in one last agonizing, "Argh!"

The lawyer looked at the gardener and said, "Bury the body." He quipped, "It'll make good fertilizer. Then take care of Cartwright. If you fail, it's my turn."

Manny replied, "I no fail. I need thee pesos." He grabbed Maury's feet and dragged him out.

The lawyer twisted one of his long blond curls and watched him leave, while contemplating his future.

************

Now Manny was about as bright as Maury - which means not very. Riding along on a mule he had bought, not knowing the difference between a mule and a horse, he thought about his plan to kill Adam Cartwright in some horrible way (as stipulated in Mandible's will). Manny wasn't a mean person but he did need pesos desperately. He had 47 relatives crammed into one little houseboat, and the houseboat wasn't long for this world. Manny was the only one of his family who spoke English and he was also the only one employed at the moment so he had to do something fast!

As he rode closer to the Ponderosa, he heard a gunshot in the distance. The mule stopped, refusing to go any farther. Manny tried kicking it in the sides but it wouldn't budge. He got off, went around in front of the animal, and tugged at the reins. Still no luck. The stubborn mule was being true to form and held its ground.

"Movido!"

The mule grinned at Manny as it brayed.

"Stupido!" Manny gave up, tossed the reins down, grabbed his small sack of clothes off from behind the saddle, and walked off toward the Ponderosa. He still heard gunshots every now and then but kept walking.

Back at la Ponderosa, temporarily one-armed Adam Cartwright was practicing shooting pinecones. Of course he was an expert marksman when he was able to shoot the gun with his right hand, but being limited to his left hand he was zero for seventeen so far. His brothers looked on from their chairs on the porch and cackled with every miss. Adam was definitely not amused. "Don't you two have anything better to do?"

Little Joe grinned, "Nope."

Hoss chuckled and reminded his older brother, "Ya need us to reload fer ya, remember?"

"I don't need both of you to do that!"

Little Joe teased, "Sher ya do. Ya need one to hold the gun and one to put the bullets in. Remember - isn't that how many it takes to screw in a light bulb?"

Adam responded drolly, "Oh, that's right. I need two idiots."

Hoss piped up, "Hey!"

Adam fired at another pinecone. He was zero for eighteen now. He sighed and reluctantly held his gun out for his brothers. "Reload."

Hoss and Little Joe came off the porch still chuckling. Little Joe nudged Hoss and said loudly enough for Adam to hear, "Bet Pa's favorite couldn't hit the broadside of the barn."

Adam started to comment but his eye caught sight of someone in the distance. "Wonder who that could be?"

His brothers looked in that direction. They were curious, too. Hoss finished reloading the gun and handed it back carefully to Adam. "Here ya go, Brother. Think ya can hit somethin' now?"

Adam took the gun and for a split second pointed it at the other two. "Don't tempt me."

He holstered the gun as the three of them waited for the visitor to come closer.

A short Mexican fellow carrying a small sack walked up to them. "A thousand pardons, Senors?"

Adam spoke up. "Can we help you?"

"Si. I'm looking for thee work."

Hoss scrutinized him. "What kind of work do you do, Little Feller?"

"I'm thee best gardener in all thee world!"

Little Joe laughed, "A gardener?"

"Si."

Hoss chuckled, too. "Sorry, Mister. We don't need no gardener. There's only one garden around here and Hop Sing takes care of it."

"Hop Sing?"

Little Joe put in, "He's our cook. Ain't here right now. He's in San Francisco."

"Oh." He glanced around at the tall ponderosa pines. "I also cut thee trees, chop thee wood, ..."

Adam eyed him. "Those are our jobs. Sorry."

Little Joe mumbled, "Our jobs?" He nudged Hoss. "When's the last time our hero did any of that?"

Hoss nodded. Adam glared at them.

Manny tried again. "Manny will work for free. No pesos! Just need thee place to stay for dos, maybe tres days."

Little Joe and Hoss had their hands on their hips as if daring their brother to refuse. Adam didn't trust most people, but he'd do just about anything to get his brothers off his back. He finally said, "Oh, all right. Just for a few days." He held out his hand. "My name's Adam Cartwright."

Manny's eyes lit up as he shook hands with him. "Thee one and only?"

Little Joe and Hoss almost rolled their eyes up into their heads.

Adam ignored them. "These two turkeys are my brothers - Hoss ..."

Hoss nodded. "Howdy."

Adam continued, "...and Little Joe."

Manny was about to respond when Little Joe grabbed one of Manny's arms and yanked him off with a grin. "C'mon, Manny. Got a nice pile of wood for you to chop!"

Manny allowed himself to be pulled off toward the woodpile but cast a quick glance back at Adam as he went.

Hoss looked to Adam. "Maybe he can cook, too?"

Adam shook his head at Hoss's one-track mind, then he drew his gun to resume practicing.

Hoss started walking toward the woodpile, calling, "Hey, Manny, can ya cook?"

Adam took aim at the pinecones and muttered, "Just as long as he doesn't make squirrel burritos."

************

Manny had chopped enough wood for the next year as Little Joe supervised with mirth in his eyes. Hoss had convinced Manny to cook for them too so refried beans and squirrel burritos were the bill of fare for several days.

Manny kept an eye on Adam, while waiting impatiently to make his move. His plan was simple: lead Senor Adam away from la Ponderosa, knock heem out, stake heem down, pour honey all over heem, then thee ants would do thee rest. It would be a slow and painful death - just as Senor Mandible had asked for. All Manny had to do was wait for thee right moment...

************

The right moment came three days after Manny had arrived. Little Joe and Hoss were headed out fishing so they could all enjoy catfish burritos for dinner that night. Manny had made the suggestion and watched in gladness as the two brothers rode off. He laughed his little Mexican laugh and muttered, "Thees ees my chance. - Oh, Senor Adam ...?"

************

Adam looked mighty fine in the saddle as he followed Manny, who was trotting up ahead. The gardener still hadn't gotten the mule to budge from the other day so he was on foot, panting and gasping for breath but pleased to be putting his plan into action. "Come on, Senor Adam. We're almost there!"

"Uh huh," Adam muttered. He had had every intention of taking a siesta while his brothers were out of his hair, but just as he had been about to get comfortable, Manny had come and said he had spotted the giant Lake Tahoe Ga-nu. Yes, a giant ga-nu. Adam had told his brothers and Manny around the dinner table the previous night about a giant gnu that haunts the Lake Tahoe area. He purposely mispronounced "gnu" as he knew the others had never heard of the animal and thought "ga-nu" was funnier than "gnu". Of course he had had to bite the insides of his cheeks to keep from busting out laughing as he had told the tale of the giant killer ga-nu but the others had been held spellbound as by lantern light Adam enthralled his listeners with all of the grizzly details.

Now as Adam rode along he had a wry little grin on his face. He obviously knew that Manny hadn't found the Tahoe beast (knowing ga-nus were only found in Africa and weren't giant-sized), but Adam couldn't resist finding out what the little Mexican gardener was so excited about.

"Over there, Senor Adam!" Manny pointed excitedly into a dense forest area. He had planned to sneak up behind Adam, knock him out with a log, and stake him down nearby where he had hidden the honey, rope, and a stake.

Adam pulled his prancing steed up and leaned forward slightly in the saddle. "Where?"

"Over there! It just ran into thee trees!"

"I don't see anything," Adam said calmly.

"The killer ga-nu!" Manny cried. "Pronto! Pronto!"

Adam grinned, "You go over and chase it out so I can see it."

"No, Manny ees frightened of thee killer ga-nu. You go and shoot it, Senor Adam!"

Adam rested his hand over the saddle horn. "Go chase it out, Manny, and I'll shoot it."

Manny scratched his head and muttered to himself, "Stupid Gringo. Just do thees!"

Something rustled beyond the trees.

Adam glanced over, slightly curious. Manny's breath caught.

The bushes rustled again. Beauty whinnied and Adam tightened his grip on the reins. Manny's brow furrowed as he looked in the direction of the noise.

Something snorted loudly. The hairs on the back of Manny's neck stood straight out.

Whatever was nearby snorted again. Manny peered very, very cautiously into the trees. Adam watched from the distance, mildly interested.

The Mexican saw something and his eyes bugged out. He screamed, "Thee Lake Tahoe Ga-Nu!" then ran for his life. Out from the trees burst an enormous African ga-nu, mad as all get out and chasing after the little gardener.

Beauty reared but Adam, being the expert horseman he is, held on and brought her under control. Of course only having the use of one arm and hand he couldn't hold the reins and draw his pistol, too. He cringed as the huge ga-nu pounced on the gardener and ate him in one gulp. Adam was horrified, but also a little puzzled. "I thought ga-nus were vegetarians?" Well, he didn't have time to ponder that question. The ga-nu belched and then turned on him! Thinking quickly he shoved the reins in his teeth, drew his pistol with his left hand, and fired as the beast was in mid-leap and while Adam was struggling to keep Beauty under control. It was a real good thing that Adam had been practicing with his left hand. He shot the monstrous ga-nu right between the eyes, and it shook the earth as it came crashing down right in front of Beauty. She reared again and neighed. Adam quickly holstered his pistol, grabbed the reins, and was able to get his horse under control. "Easy, Girl. Easy!"

Adam dismounted and remarked to his faithful horse, "Thought I couldn't shoot, huh?" Beauty hung her head. Adam tied her reins to a bush and went closer to examine the ga-nu. It was huge! Being a practical man, Adam pondered, "Hmmmm. I wonder what ga-nu meat tastes like?" He sure was tired of squirrel. Eventually though he decided it would be in rather bad taste (bad pun) to eat a giant ga-nu that had just swallowed a gardener. He removed his hat in memory of the little Mexican. "Adios, Manny. You made good burritos."

Once the brief memorial service was over, Adam walked back to Beauty, grabbed the reins, mounted up, and remarked wryly, "Pa's not going to believe this." With that, the dashing hunk in black headed back to the ranch.

Meanwhile, off in the distance and well out of sight, Mandible's lawyer had observed everything. He contemplated his next move while absently fingering his long golden tresses, then rode off with an evil Mandible grin on his face.

************

Adam broke the tragic news to his two brothers. Little Joe ran over to try and snatch down one of the rifles when he heard of the latest killer ga-nu attack, but Adam caught him by the scruff of the collar in time and assured his little brother that the beast was already dead. Hoss was devastated. He had so been looking forward to catfish burritos. Adam put his hand on Hoss's shoulder, squeezed the shoulder, and said, "I understand." Hoss sniffled and with head down walked off to be alone for a while.

Manny hadn't told the Cartwrights where his family lived so later than night after his brothers had gone to bed, Adam, being the thoughtful person he is, decided to see if there was an address on anything so he could notify Manny's next of kin. As he rummaged through Manny's little sack, Adam came across an expensive blue tie (ya get it?), some brochures for houseboats, and an envelope with some documents sticking out. "Hmmm. What's this?" He had to fumble to pull out the papers with one hand while holding the envelope open with the same hand. He muttered "Argh!" but managed to get the documents out, then read them with interest.

************

The next day, Adam watched as Little Joe and Hoss rode off fishing once again. Adam waved goodbye from the corral, then turned, strolled debonairly back to the house, and went inside.

Meanwhile, Mandible's lawyer was mounted on his horse and well out of view in a group of trees. He toyed with his curls and smiled as he watched the other two Cartwrights disappear over the horizon. He gripped the reins and guided his horse toward the house, being careful to avoid the small wagon train of pygmies that was passing nearby on their way west.

************

Adam had sat down at the table and was sipping some steaming hot coffee, holding the cup with his left hand, and looking as pulchritudinous as ever. There was a knock on the door. Adam set the cup down and walked over to answer it. As he pulled the door open, a well-dressed man with a crooked nose and long, blond curls cocked the derringer he was now aiming at Adam. "Adam Cartwright, I presume?"

Adam took a moment to recover from the vision before him, then said evenly, "Yes."

The man directed Adam back inside.

Adam backed up cautiously while keeping his eyes trained on the gun. "Uh, if you're selling scout cookies, we just bought some."

The man indicated the chair Adam had been sitting in. "Over there. Sit down and shut up."

Adam complied slowly yet deliberately. The man followed him over and reached into the pocket of his coat. He pulled out some rope. Adam drew his brows together.

The man held the rope up with one hand while still aiming the derringer with his other. "Mandible would've really enjoyed this."

"Mandible?" Adam remarked casually. "You know he's a worm feast, I suppose?"

"Oh, yes. But I'm taking care of a little unfinished business for him."

Adam kept an eye on the gun.

The man continued. "You, my boy, have to die a rather painful death or I won't be able to collect Mandible's estate."

"Oh?" Adam remarked suavely. "That a new Adam Cartwright clause in wills these days?"

The man smirked. "It appears so. I'm his lawyer. I'm also the third beneficiary named in the will. And the others missed their golden opportunity."

"The others?"

"Yes," the man chuckled. "Those two idiots - Maury and Manny. One of them tried to poison you but he failed. The other one was going to stake you out and leave you for the ants to finish off. But he failed, too."

Adam was distracted by the man's long, blond curls. He was having a hard time keeping a straight face.

The lawyer sneered, "Now it's my turn."

Adam leaned back a little in his chair and commented nonchalantly, "Your turn?"

"Yes. I'm going to tie you up and burn this whole place down around you. That should be sufficient to let Mandible rest in peace."

Adam rolled those dreamy, blue eyes of his. "This is getting redundant."

The man ignored him and with eyes aglow continued. "Then I can collect everything - all the money, the stocks, the real estate ..."

Adam, witty as ever, put in, "Take a trip to Tahiti, invest in a ferret farm ..."

The lawyer snarled, "Put your hands behind your back, Cartwright!"

"You're kidding me, right?"

"Do as I say!"

"Uh, in case you hadn't noticed, Genius, that would be a little difficult." He put his left hand over the stylishly-black sling that his cast was in and looked at his would-be assassin. "Hellllooo?"

The lawyer frowned. "Point well taken. All right, just put the left hand behind you."

Adam shrugged and sat up a little straighter as if he was going to comply. Just as the lawyer was moving closer to tie him, Adam's left hand whipped out the gun he had stashed in the sling and in one swift move he stood up, cocked his pistol, and shoved it right between the lawyer's eyes. Adam remarked playfully, "My gun's bigger than yours."

The lawyer froze. At that instant, the door to the bedroom swung open and Hoss came out with rifle aimed and with Little Joe beside him holding a slingshot in the 'kill Goliath' position. Big Dan burst through the front door with his pistol aimed also. Adam smiled at blondie and said in a deadly tone, "Uncock your little derringer and drop it - NAOW!"

The man hesitated for a moment, then with a scowl on his face did as he was ordered. Adam pulled back a little as Hoss lowered his rifle and came over to retrieve the man's tiny gun, and as Little Joe reluctantly lowered his slingshot. Big Dan and Adam kept the man covered. The lawyer fingered his long, golden curls and sneered, "How did you know?"

Big Dan uncocked his pistol and reached for the rope. Just for fun, he began tying the man's hands tightly behind his back in a nice, big bow.

Adam's incredibly blue eyes danced in mirth as he watched Big Dan, and Adam explained, "The gardener had a copy of Mandible's will, remember? That document explained what you three brain surgeons were up to." He indicated Big Dan with a nod. "Daniel tracked you down and kept an eye on you so we knew you were making your move today."

The lawyer spat, "Fine. So what? You can't hold me. I can get out of any charges!" He again sneered, "I'm a real good lawyer."

"OH, IS THAT SO?" bellowed a man's voice from the bedroom. Out walked Judge Rogers, Eagle Station's on-call justice dispenser.

The lawyer responded disgustedly, "Who's this bozo?"

The judge grinned slightly, "I'm the Circuit Judge for this territory. And I just heard everything you said - Fool."

The lawyer's face contorted in a mask of horror. "What?"

Judge Rogers went on. "Yes. And this bozo's going to see that you're put away for a very long time." He eyed the man's long, blond locks and added with a smirk, "I think you'll really enjoy where you're going." He winked at Big Dan.

Big Dan chuckled, "Yeah. They'll sher appreciate you in prison, Mister."

The lawyer felt nauseous. Big Dan grabbed him and forced him out of the house, as Judge Rogers turned to Adam and reached out his hand. "Good luck to you, Adam. I think your problems are over."

Adam, a/k/a The Gorgeous One (lest you forget), returned the handshake. "Thank you, Judge. Sure appreciate your help."

"Happy to do it."

"Oh - what about Mandible's will?"

Hoss and Little Joe were curious, too. They looked at the judge as the judge grabbed his chin and thought about it. "Hmmmm. I think I can get the will invalidated. It's obviously a heinous document and drawn up by a moron."

Hoss's eyes lit up as he asked, "Then what about Mandible's money and stuff? Can we git it?"

Little Joe added excitedly, "Yeah!"

"Sorry, Boys. That's up to the courts in Boston. But I suspect it'll go into the state coffers. That's normally where drug money and unclaimed estates end up."

Hoss muttered disgustedly, "Gol dang it."

The judge said, "You boys take care. And say hello to your pa for me." He turned to leave.

"Sure thing," Hoss replied.

The judge walked to the door but turned back for a moment. "Oh, Adam, next time I'm in the area, I'll bring you some strudel. My wife makes great apple strudel."

Adam gave him a pained smile while his brothers stood there grinning.

The judge went out and pulled the door closed behind him. Once he was gone and they heard the horses ride off, Adam's two brothers looked at him.

"What?"

Little Joe turned to Hoss. "He ain't even gonna thank us."

Hoss agreed. "Nope. Least he could do."

Adam rolled his eyes.

His brothers kept waiting.

Adam snorted slightly, then dramatically clasped his left hand to his heart and just as dramatically proclaimed, "Oh, thank you ever so much for helping me."

Little Joe folded his arms. "And?"

"Give me a break."

Little Joe repeated, "And?"

"And what?"

"And fer saving yer life."

Hoss folded his arms, too. "Yeah!"

Adam let out a disgusted sigh and once more with dramatic emphasis proclaimed, "Thank you! Thank you for saving my life!"

Little Joe wasn't finished. "And doing all yer chores."

"Now wait a min..."

Hoss glanced at Joe, "He sher is ungrateful, ain't he, Joe?"

"Yeah. Sher is!"

Adam again sighed disgustedly. "Okay. Okay!" He stood up on a chair, spread his left arm out wide, and proclaimed to the heavens, "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for doing all of my chores!" His brothers chuckled as Adam got off the chair and he asked sarcastically, "That it?"

Little Joe scratched his head. "Hmmmmm." He looked at Hoss. "Is that it?"

Hoss mimicked him, scratching his head, too. "Let's see. Yeah, I guess so."

Adam plopped down in the chair. "Gee, could you spare it?"

His brothers laughed and came over to clap him on the back. Adam pouted for a moment (of course he does that well, too), then cracked a smile. He chuckled, "Wait till Pa hears what's been going on."

His brothers chorused, "Yeah!" and all three brothers cracked up.

Adam's deep, wondrous, blue eyes twinkled as a thought struck him. He stopped laughing, glanced over at his two younger brothers, and with a wry grin casually mentioned, "By the way. Did I ever tell you about the giant Lake Tahoe Platypus?"

His brothers stopped laughing, their mouths dropped open, and Adam began his tale...

************

Two days later, Ben returned with a grin on his face. Adam, looking incredible as always, chuckled when he saw Pa dismount and muttered, "Guess his trip was successful." He stepped off the porch and sauntered over to greet his father.

Little Joe and Hoss had already rushed to their father and Little Joe's mouth was going a mile a minute as Adam sashayed up. Ben was trying to slow his youngest son down and Hoss kept nodding and urging Little Joe on.

"Now, slow down, Son."

"But the ga-nu ate Manny and Adam killed it and the guy with the long blond curls tried to burn the house down and the strudel guy came and..."

Ben looked up at his eldest son, confused, "What?"

Adam just grinned and stood with his left hand against his black sling, which by the way matched the rest of his all-black ensemble perfectly.

Little Joe rambled on. "...and those three guys tried to kill Adam ...and ..."

Concerned, Ben looked quickly at his favorite son but Adam just smiled and let his little brother continue. Hoss kept cutting in with a "Yeah!" or "It's true, Pa!" and Ben was at a loss to decipher exactly what had happened.

"All right, stop, Little Joe," Ben finally said, putting his hand on his youngest son's shoulder. "Let's go inside, sit down, and you can tell me everything that happened again - slowly."

Little Joe took a breath finally. "Okay, Pa."

Ben headed to the house with his sons following him. Adam smirked with that special little smirk he has as he realized the first thing his father would see upon entering the house.

Ben walked up on the porch and opened the door. As he stepped inside and removed his hat, his eyes caught sight of the humungous antlers above the fireplace and his eyes bulged out. "What the...?"

His sons had followed him inside and Adam and Hoss laughed as Little Joe piped up, "I told ya, Pa! The Lake Tahoe Ga-Nu!"

"The what?!"

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to the Cartwrights, the giant Lake Tahoe Platypus was flopping it's way stealthily toward the Ponderosa, having just devoured the last of the pygmies...

THE END.

ADDENDUM TO STORY

(This is a satire of a parody of a sequel to A Time To Weep. Got it? LOL)

It had been two weeks since Ben had gotten back from Sacramento. Hop Sing had gotten home too and had gone with Hoss and Little Joe to town this morning for supplies. Adam and his Pa were out in the barn working. Well, Pa was working. Adam still had his arm in a cast/sling and was leaning up against one of the stalls absently watching as Pa worked. Adam appeared to be troubled by something.

Perspiration beaded on Pa's forehead as he continued to muck out the messiest stall. See, Little Joe had given Paint some leftover refried beans (yes, they kept for two weeks) the night before, and the horse's stall now illustrated how well that idea had gone over.

"Should've had Little Joe do this!" Pa grumbled.

Adam was distracted and merely muttered, "Uh huh."

Pa turned the other way to work on another part of the stall and unknowingly set his new platypus-skin boots in a whole pile of horse apples. "Argh!"

Adam was still lost in his own thoughts and gave a heavy sigh.

Pa attempted to get the mess off one of his boots by scraping it against one of the stall rails. As he did that he looked over at his eldest son. "Adam, is something bothering you?"

Adam again sighed heavily. "No - Pa."

Pa repeated the rail thing with his other boot while continuing to eye his son. "You can tell me, Son. We haven't had a father/son talk since...since..." He checked his pocket watch, "...since 20 minutes ago."

Adam knew he had to be more open with his father. He had learned that in the first sequel. "Okay, Pa. I'll tell you."

Pa walked over toward him but his shin collided with an anvil Hoss had been tossing around earlier and had left out in the open. "Ow!" He hopped in pain for a few moments while his eldest son didn't take notice and morosely "ho hummed" nearby. Finally, through gritted teeth, Pa whimpered, "Please tell me what's wrong?"

With tears threatening, Adam revealed, "Pa, I'm getting a zit."

Still gritting his teeth because of the hairline fracture in his leg, Pa managed to choke out, "Oh, Adam. I'm so sorry."

Adam hung his head. "It's all those cakes and things Hop Sing has been force-feeding me."

Pa hobbled over to pull his son into a fierce embrace. "I understand. And I still love you, Son."

Adam whispered, "Thanks."

Pa grimaced as he tried to prop himself up on one leg. "We'll get through this somehow - together."

"I just don't think I can bear any more, Pa."

In excruciating pain and speaking haltingly, Pa suggested, "Maybe Hop Sing can come up with some ancient Chinese medicine to cure it."

Adam sniffled, "Yeah, maybe."

"Is there (gasp) anything (gasp) I can do, Son?"

Adam pulled out of his hold and looked away. He muttered, "No."

Pa shoved a piece of rawhide in his mouth briefly so he wouldn't howl from the searing pain enveloping his leg. Then he spit it out and tried to comfort his suffering son. "Adam, you're gonna be all right. I promise."

Adam turned toward him and said quietly, "They'll razz me, Pa."

"Who will, Son?" Pa bit his bottom lip to keep from screaming out in anguish.

"You know who - Hoss and Joe."

"No, (gasp) they won't."

Adam raked his hair with his only good hand. "I can't help it if I'm perfect. It's not my fault!"

Pa's leg was swelling up 10 times its normal size. His pant leg was ripping at the seams, but all Pa could focus on was his troubled boy. "Of course it's not your fault. They know that."

"They hate me because I'm pulchritudinous. Like I have a choice!"

Circulation was being strangled off in Pa's leg. Tears of agony streamed down his face. Yet still Ben Cartwright concentrated on easing his son's torment. "Adam," he winced. "This zit will go away eventually. Just as your broken hand will heal - someday..."

"Oh, sure."

Pa continued but was on the verge of passing out. "Your family will stick by you (gasp) and nurse you back to health as we've (gasp) done all the other times you needed us." Pa's face contorted in a grimace the likes of which had never been seen before, but he managed to put his hand on Adam's shoulder for a moment and whisper through clenched teeth, "Okay, Son?"

Sighing yet again, almost-perfect Adam managed to nod once.

Pa grasped the stall rail to keep upright a few more seconds. "Now try not to worry and go get some rest. I know you must be exhausted."

Adam again nodded slightly and remarked solemnly, "All right, Pa. I'll try. But it won't be easy." He walked with head down slowly toward the door.

Watching his son go out, Pa clenched the stall railing until the veins nearly popped in his hand. Finally he collapsed in agony.

As Pa lay writhing in pain in the middle of the muck he managed to gasp one last, "My poor son," then he passed out.

THE END.