Catching 'em Red-Handed

By DJK

First thing ya got to understand is about Pa's indulgences. His indulgences are his pipe and his brandy. Now he indulges in his pipe about everyday and has for as long back as I can remember, but he only indulges in his brandy from time to time when things are extra good or extra bad. That brandy was at the root of all the trouble.

Now brandy costs good money, and it ain't necessary, so that's what makes it an indulgence that Pa has had to be real sparing with sometimes like when he and Adam- that's my oldest brother, well, my half-brother, but we never think like that- were on the trail west when Adam was real little. According to the stories Pa and Adam tell, they were real poor after the money Pa had from when he lived in Boston and was married to Adam's ma ran out. He had brought three bottles of bandy with him, and after he saw that the money was going to run out too quick, he made sure that those bottles of brandy didn't. It was on the last bottle of that brandy that Adam learned better than to lay a hand to the bottle. He says he didn't take more that two sips but that Pa lit his tail on fire like he'd stole the crown jewels. Adam's almost twenty-one now, and sometimes Pa indulges him, and they share a brandy, but Adam doesn't never drink that brandy alone.

After Pa married Hoss's ma, she gave him two bottles of brandy for a present on their first Christmas together. Well, actually it was their only Christmas together 'cause she got killed. Those two bottles was long gone before Hoss tried brandy. We was living in New Orleans by then, and Pa had married my ma. He had a share in a shop there, so he had money for indulgences. Hoss drank more than a few sips and managed to spill some on his shirt. That's how come he got caught. Pa set his tail on fire, and Hoss don't never do something a second time when Pa does that.

I didn't get caught trying Pa's brandy until we were traveling west again with a wagon train. It was Eddy's idea, but that didn't help none when Pa caught us. Well, Adam caught us, but he told Pa, so that was the same thing. I got a real tanning, not just a spanking, so I ain't never thought about sneaking that bandy again, and it's been three years.

Now, our ranch the Ponderosa is doing fine and growing, so we ain't poor, but cash money can be tight, so Pa only has one bottle of brandy, and like I said before he only has a drink from it now and then.

That morning we were sitting around the table finishing breakfast. We could tell Pa's mood weren't too good, so we all stayed kind of quiet. Adam, Hoss, and me got better sense then get on Pa's bad side first thing in the morning. In fact, Hop Sing had already started cleaning up in the kitchen when Adam asked to be excused. He was going to head out to the north pasture. He had to sit back down when Pa said he wanted to speak to us first. My brothers and me all kinda exchanged looks trying to see if the others knew what might have gotten us in trouble 'cause Pa sure sounded like somebody was already there.

I couldn't think of nothing I'd done at least not anything Pa would be talking to the three of us about instead of just me. Then Pa got up and walked to the cupboard and took out his brandy bottle. Both my brothers shot me a look behind Pa's back, but I just shrugged. Pa brought the bottle back and placed it on the table. Then he just glared at us one by one.

"Does anyone have something they want to tell me?" Pa asked, and I was real glad that I didn't have nothing to say. Neither of my brothers said anything either. Now Pa almost never goes what ya'd call easy on any of us if we've done wrong, but he sure enough goes easier if we confess then he does if we don't, and Lord help the son of Ben Cartwright who tells him a downright lie.

When it was clear nobody was gonna up and confess to nothing, Pa picked up the bottle and held it in front of us like an accusation. "Someone has taken brandy from this bottle and replaced it with water." All three of us gasped, and if one of us had done it he did quite a job of acting surprised. When none of us said anything, Pa started with the eldest. He fixed Adam with a stare that could have melted paint.

"Adam, did you take brandy from this bottle?" Pa asked real clear, and there weren't no way to get around saying yes or no. Adam shook his head. "No, Pa." he said quick-like, and then he asked, "Why would I need to?" That was a smart thing to say 'cause Adam really had the least reason to sneak brandy now that Pa let him drink it with him.

Pa turned his stare on Hoss. Hoss just hates when Pa looks at him like that. Sometimes I think that Hoss will go and confess to something he ain't even done one day just because Pa looks at him like that. This time Hoss blurted out, "No, sir, Pa, I didn't. You know you done already taught me better about that, Pa. Ya know ya did." Now that was the smartest thing for Hoss to say 'cause like I said if Hoss gets a tanning for doing something he just don't do that same thing again.

Then Pa was staring at me. I was as innocent as a newborn babe, but my throat went dry anyways. I shook my head and managed to croak, "No, Pa, really I didn't," but I didn't have no reason to offer as to why it wasn't me.

Now Hop Sing is the only other person who lives in our house. Hop Sing takes care of the house, the cooking, and us. He is Chinese and grown. Pa offers him brandy now and again, but Hop Sing never accepts it. If Hop Sing got the notion to drink some, he'd only have to tell Pa. None of us would have ever thought to ask Hop Sing, but he up and told Pa that he knew nothing about the brandy.

Well, Pa is a real fair man, and he don't tell us we're lying unless he has proof, and he sure enough has never punished one of us unless he knew for certain sure who had done what. After Hop Sing finished talking, Pa said he was disappointed to think that one of us would lie to him. We all started talking at once, and Pa bellowed at us to be quiet. Then he said we would say no more about it. He did not have to say that he intended to find out who had stolen the brandy or that that person would pay a very high price for what they had done. He told us to get to work, and we scattered.

I was cleaning out the chicken coop, so I was by myself. No one had said anything yet, but I knew they all thought I had done it. If I hadn't of known for sure that I hadn't touched that bottle, I probably would have thought I had done it too.

Now, I'm not exaggerating about the fact that my brothers thought I was guilty. Adam cornered me after lunch and tried to get me to admit it to him. He was all big brother threats and warnings. Then during evening chores, Hoss kept dropping hints about confession being good for a body, and Pa going easy on ya if ya did the right kind of confessing. I tried telling them that I was innocent, but I knew they still didn't believe me.

Even Hop Sing dropped some hints as I was helping him wash up after supper. I was a about to up and go to bed just to get away from the sad and disapproving looks, but it occurred to me that I would look like I was feeling guilty, so I didn't. Instead I played checkers with Hoss and lost three games in a row 'cause I was feeling so righteous about not being guilty that I couldn't cheat. After that third loss I gave up and went to bed. When Pa came in to say good night, part of me said it would be easier to confess and get forgiven. The smart part told me what a plum crazy idea that was. If I confessed to stealing and deceiving and flat out lying, nothing would be easy for a long time especially sitting.

After Pa left the bunkroom, I just laid on my back with my arms behind my head staring at the bunk above me. When Adam and Hoss came in, I pretend to be asleep. By then I had figured out that I was going to be guilty until I was proven innocent. To be proven innocent, the real criminal was going to have to be caught red-handed. I wasn't gonna wait for that to happen; I was gonna make it happen. Hoss had been snoring for quite a while before it came to me. Soon as I had a plan, I just rolled over and went right to sleep.

I knew it would work because I had used the same thing to play a prank on Henry Ray Cuthbert at school. It had worked like a charm. Though I had let Henry Ray know just who had given him his payback, no one had been able to prove anything, and I had gotten off scott-free. I figured that meant God thought Henry Ray had deserved what he had gotten as much as I did. Well, the brandy thief deserved it more that Henry Ray.

The next morning I did my chores quick and got permission to go fishing. I did go fishing 'cause I wasn't going to get caught lying about nothing right then, but I stuffed a pair of old gloves in my back pocket and did a little hunting to. It didn't take me long to collect what I needed. I was feeling real good and even managed to get myself home to supper on time.

My mind was on my plan 'cause the timing was real important. I wanted to do things right away, of course, but things had to be just right. Then I heard Pa say he was going up to Genoa and would be gone for a few days. I almost cheered out loud. Not that I was glad that my Pa was gonna be gone 'cause I really hate it when my Pa goes anywheres, but Pa being gone meant I could set my plan in motion and clear my name.

Pa left in the morning. Adam and Hoss went out fixing fence, and I went to school. I was so nervous about my plan that I got called down four times by the teacher and almost got a note sent home. I used my best puppy-dog look though and just got a final warning. Then I did my first deceiving since Pa accused me of stealing the brandy. After the afternoon recess, I acted like I wasn't feeling well, and the teacher let me go home right after I finished my spelling test instead my having to stay and listen to everybody else spell their words. This meant that I got home before anybody could expect. I kinda snuck up real quiet and checked things out. Hop Sing was out in his garden like I had hoped he'd be. It didn't look like he'd be coming in the house soon, so I went ahead with my plan.

Now this was the real risky part 'cause if I'd had got holding that brandy bottle nobody in the world would have believed that I hadn't done all the lying and stealing that they thought I'd done. I worked real quick and set my trap. Then I put the bottle back and snuck out of the horse. I went back to my pony and came into the yard a few minutes later calling out to Hop Sing. Now all I had to do was wait for the real thief to strike and keep my eye out for the evidence.

The next day I started paying real close attention to every pair of hands I came across. "Of course, the onliest hands I came across were Hop Sing's, Adam's, Hoss's, and a few of the vaqueros. None of them were guilty. I had had hopes about the vaqueros even though Pa only hires honest men, but I weren't surprised when I didn't see no signs of guilt. The thing about my trap was that I needed to see the hands of the thief for the evidence to catch them, and I started to worry that it was some stranger who I would miss seeing.

When I came back to the cabin the next day, I was feeling kinda of down. Hop Sing was the only one there, and he was stirring something in a big pot. I hadn't expected him to be home 'cause he had said he was going down to check on the Bruebakers. Now the Bruebakers were a poor family that was headed to California. Their oxen had come down ill, and Pa had given them permission to camp on our land tell they was strong enough to move on- the oxen that is. They only had girls and the lot of them was younger than me, so I had kinda forgotten about them, but Hops Sing had been taking them a few things from time to time. See, Miz Bruebaker had been doing poorly for a while, and Hop Sing knows a lot about herbs and healing, so he was kinda keeping an eye on Miz Bruebaker and trying to help out.

Hop Sing fussed at me about muddy feet and then asked if my chores were done. I told him they were. I was out of sorts, or I wouldn't of said it the way I did, but when I walked over to that pot and sniffed, I said," Ugh, Hop Sing, ya don't expect none of us to eat that do ya. It stinks!"

It was dumb; I admit with Hop Sing standing right there with a wooden spoon in his hand. That spoon connected with my backside soon as I got the words out. I was rubbing out the sting and almost didn't listen to Hop Sing saying as how he wasn't cooking but making medicine. I asked what kinda medicine almost without thinking. Then Hop Sing said it was to stop the itching, and I started paying attention right quick. He said that one of the Bruebaker girls had a rash from poison ivy all over her palms. I lit out of the house on a run and ran smack dab into Pa. Pa had come back early for some reason I never did ask about. I was just so excited that I would be able to show him my evidence- I guess I would have showed it to Hop Sing and Adam if Pa hadn't made it back- that I shouted at him to stay right there until I got back and took off again.

I headed to where I knew the Bruebakers were camping. I didn't have to go all the way there 'cause I ran into the eldest Bruebaker girl and sure enough she was the one who had done it. Like I said, them girls are all younger then me, so I just grabbed that girl's arm and drug her back to our cabin. Now I know all about dragging kids in trouble back to their comeuppance even if most of my experience is with being the one dragged.

When we came into the cabin, everybody was there. Pa, Hop Sing, Adam, and Hoss were standing around talking about what on earth could have gotten into me. Well, I told them quick. I showed them that girl's hands, and I told them I had set a trap for the brandy thief, and now she was caught red-handed. I explained that I had rubbed the brandy bottle good with some poison ivy leaves, so that when the thief held the bottle the evidence would show up on his hands. Well, I hadn't thought that the thief might be a girl.

Pa looked down at that girl, and he had her crying without even saying anything. Of course, that was just as good as a confession. Pa told Adam to go and fetch Mr. Bruebaker, and he did. For a few minutes I was feeling real good. Everybody knew that I wasn't a thief and a liar, and the real criminal was gonna get what was coming to them. After listening to the girl cry for a little while I wasn't feeling so good about that last part. Then Adam came back with her Pa, and one look at his face made me feel real sorry for her. I kind thought Pa would shoo me out of there then. The only reason I can think of for why he didn't was that since I had been shouldering the blame, he thought I had a right to stay and know what happened. Pa told Mr. Bruebaker what he knew and even had me tell a few things. Then Mr. Bruebaker roared at his daughter about why on earth she would do something like that. It turned out that she had taken it for her ma. Not that her ma knew about it. Seems that a doctor had said a little brandy would be good for what was ailing Miz Bruebaker. Of course they didn't have no money for such an indulgence. When the Bruebakers were at our house, Lily Ann- that was the girl's name- had seen Pa's brandy somehow. She got the notion that her mother needed some of it, and it wouldn't make no never mind to Pa if she thinned it a little with water. She had added it to her ma's coffee just a little at a time. I don't know if it really helped or if it was really Hop Sings herbs, but Lily Ann thought it helped her ma, and that's why she came back for more.

By the time Lily Ann finished telling why, Pa weren't the least bit mad anymore. Nobody was, and Hoss would have been crying over the gal if he wasn't almost growed. Mr. Bruebaker offered to pay Pa, but Pa said no real firm. Then Mr. Bruebaker said he'd be seeing to Lily Ann, and she wouldn't be doing nothing like that again. The Bruebakers left, and Pa said he hoped Mr. Bruebaker wasn't too hard on the girl. Adam said something about how hard Pa would have been on any of us no matter what reason we had for stealing. That's when Pa looked at me. Pa called me to him, and if he hadn't had his hand around my waist, I probably would have toppled over when he apologized. He said he was sorry for not believing me. Then my brothers up and did the same thing. Now something like that ain't never happened before, and I don't reckon that it will ever happen again.

Well, I told them all that they were forgiven, and I was feeling real good again. That's when Adam cleared his throat.

First, Adam said my plan had been real clever and that I had done a real good job with it. Adam don't praise me often, and my chest nearly popped with pride. The he gave me a real peculiar look and said there was one thing I should have done different. I asked him what real calm-like, but my stomach was already sinking 'cause I could see Pa rubbing his hands on his pants. Then Adam said I should have told Pa not to touch the brandy bottle 'cause he'd had a drink while he was waiting for me to come back.

The end