Goodbye, Uncle John

By Marion

March 17, 18—

Dear Journal,

Tonight's the night of the spring dance and I'm home with Uncle Ben instead of dancing with Mitch like I wanted to be. I haven't been back at school for two weeks and already I'm in trouble with Mr. Taylor and with Uncle Ben. Then again, sometimes that's not too hard to do. All I did was try to pass a note to Mitch and Mr. Taylor got mad and sent a note home. And of course Uncle Ben couldn't let it go this one time. Nope, I got stuck at home with him while everyone else went to the dance. Even Uncle John went. Sometimes Uncle Ben is so unfair.

Maybe I'm the one who's being unfair. After all, Mr. Taylor did warn me when he caught me passing a note to Peggy last Tuesday. Today I was in school, trying hard to pay attention, but sometimes it's hard, especially when the air is warm and the sun is shining, like it was today. I tried listening to Mr. Taylor talk about the War of 1812, but all I could think of was the dance. I decided to wear my new red dress, the one I made while I was home with that stupid leg. I could have worn my blue dress, but for some reason I don’t feel comfortable in it. I wondered if Mitch liked red, but I knew I'd forget to ask him, so I decided to write him a note. I had just folded it up and tried to sneak it over to him (he sits across the aisle from me) when Mr. Taylor came up from behind me and took it from me. At least he didn't read it out loud, that would have been too embarrassing! He looked at me so sternly, he can be as stern looking as Uncle Ben and that's saying something. He looked down his nose at me and said "Anna, Mitchell, I will see you both after school." Mitch looked panicked; he had gotten into trouble earlier in the week, and his Pa warned him he'd better not bring home anymore notes for a while. I tried to tell Mr. Taylor that Mitch wasn't to blame, but he just glared at me so I thought I'd better stop. Anyway, I explained to Mr. Taylor after school that Mitch wasn't to blame, so he excused Mitch. But he gave me a note for Uncle Ben and an assignment to write a four-page essay, in my best handwriting (as if I'd dare turn it in messy!) about the importance of paying attention in school. Then I had to hurry to meet Uncle Ben and Uncle John at the Orowitz's store. Joe had already gone over.

I thought about not giving Uncle Ben the note until tomorrow morning, so I could go to the dance, but I decided the chances were he'd be really mad if I did that. I may not be able to dance tonight but I'll be able to sit tomorrow and I'm hoping he'll still let me go riding. I remember Joe telling me to give Uncle Ben notes as soon as I got home. I figured I'd better give it to him as soon as I saw him, so I gave it to him as soon as he came out of the store. His eyes narrowed, and he looked from the envelope to me. I don't know why, but he's got this look that makes me want to squirm. "Am I going to like this note?" he asked in that quiet voice he gets when he's mad. I shook my head and said "no sir."

Now Joe tells me I say 'sir' too much, but the way I figure it, it's too hard to say "No, Uncle Ben" in a hurry. All Joe has to say is "No, Pa" and he's all set. I can't just say no without saying sir or Uncle Ben because Uncle Ben would think I was being disrespectful and sometimes when I'm nervous, like when I'm in trouble, my tongue trips trying to say "no, Uncle Ben" so I just decided it's easier to say "no, sir." I notice Hoss says "sir" a lot, but Adam and Joe seem to save it up for when they're really in trouble, not that Adam gets in trouble much. Joe does.

So, I said, 'no, sir." He pointed to the wagon and told me to get in. He said he'd read the note at home. I'm not sure if that was better or worse. On the one hand, he couldn't yell at me all the way home, but on the other hand, I had to wait to get it.

I decided to take a tip from Joe and I forgot about my troubles. I looked around at the new green on the trees. The weather was warm, or at least it felt warm compared to the past few months. If anyone told me a year ago that 40 degrees was warm, I would have laughed at them. Yet, here I was, coat unbuttoned and hat off. I could hear the sounds of snow melting and I thought about Hoss telling me that the winter run-off would fill the streams and rivers and make them spill their banks. I'm really looking forward to seeing that. He promised he'd take me riding then. Hoss is really good about showing me life in the wild.

Then I started thinking about Peggy. While I was out, Peggy had become friendly with Elsie Jenkins, a nasty girl who had done her best to get me in trouble. Elsie had decided to form a girl's club, but I didn't want to join once I heard what the initiation was. I knew all too well what Uncle Ben's reaction to that would be!

We rode into the yard and Uncle Ben stopped in front of the house. I was just about to jump out of the wagon when he lifted his arms towards me. "I'll help you down." I didn't realize it, but I rolled my eyes as he lifted me down. "Annie" was all he said, but I was in enough trouble, so I apologized real quick.

He leaned over to say something to Uncle John, and then he gestured towards the house. Uncle John took the horses and headed towards the barn. I guessed I was the one who was supposed to head into the house. Uncle Ben followed me. He pulled the note out of his pocket and waved me towards the fireplace. He leaned against the mantle and turned towards me, fixing me with those eyes of his.

Adam says to watch Uncle Ben's eyes. The angrier he gets, the darker they get. The funny thing is, my papa was just the opposite. If his eyes were light, then I was in trouble. Well, Uncle Ben's eyes were darker than usual, but not as dark as I've seen them, so he wasn't too mad, yet. I decided to watch my tongue.

"What's this note going to tell me?"

I hate it when he starts like that. He wants me to tell on myself. I'm always afraid that I'll tell more than the note said, but sometimes I'm afraid I'll tell less, and then I'll get in trouble for not telling everything. Then again, this wasn't too bad, so I looked at him (it's very important to always look at Uncle Ben when you're explaining to him) and I told him that I had passed a note to Mitch and I told him the reason Mr. Taylor was sending home the note was because I had already gotten scolded once this week and I had to write an assignment over the weekend and I'm sorry, it won't happen again.

He slit open the envelope and read the note. He nodded as he read, as if he were confirming that I had told him everything. Finally he looked at me, and I wanted to look anywhere but at him, but of course I knew I had to look right at him. "You'll write the assignment tonight while everyone else is at the dance." I had expected that, so I didn't say anything except yes, sir. He lifted an eyebrow when I didn't fuss, but he didn't say anything. He just told me to get on with my chores.

Actually it wasn't so bad staying home to write the essay. The house was quiet because it was just Uncle Ben and me. He was sitting by the fire reading while I sat at the table. When I got done, he read it and said it was fine. Then he told me he was proud of me because I didn't fuss about my punishment. I laughed.

"What's so funny?" he wanted to know.

"Well, Uncle Ben, I could have fussed, but I've never heard you say 'you're right, I'm being unfair. You're excused from punishment.' Anytime I've fussed I've either been sent to my room, or restricted or spanked. I just decided it wasn't worth it." His eyes were real light then, and his smile split his face. I kissed him goodnight and came in here to write in my journal.

March 18, 18—

Today I rushed through my morning chores. I was hoping Uncle Ben would remember his promise that I could go riding and I went looking for him to remind him. Sure enough, when I went out to the barn, he was there saddling up our two horses. I was surprised, and a little disappointed. To be honest, I was hoping to go riding by myself.

"You didn't think I'd let you go riding alone, did you?" Rats, I was hoping my disappointment didn't show.

"Well, maybe I was. It's been a while since I've been alone."

Uncle Ben put his arm around my shoulder. "And it's going to be a while before I let you go riding alone. We have to make sure that leg is all better." He looked down at me. "Don't roll those eyes or you might not be riding at all." I must have made a funny face because he laughed at me. "Can't I go riding with my favorite niece?"

"Aw, Uncle Ben, I'm your only niece." I giggled as he reached out as though to tickle me. He grabbed me and put me on top of my horse. "Uncle Ben?"

"Mmm?"

"When do you think Sadie'll be ready to ride?"

"Sadie?"

"My birthday horse. I decided to name her Scherezade, like the Arabian Nights stories Adam told me. After the last two months I feel like I've been living my own '1001 Tales of the Cartwright Nights.' I figured to call her Sadie for short."

Ben laughed at my description. "Well, Adam and Hoss have been working with her. I'd say in another couple of weeks or so she'll be ready for you to ride. Adam tells me she's a sassy horse. He figures you two will get along just fine."

We rode in silence for a while; Uncle Ben followed my lead. I think I surprised him when we headed towards the spot where Tante Marie was buried. He helped me down from my horse and I walked over to the grave.

"Adam'll be pleased. His snow drops are starting to come up." Uncle Ben came up behind me. Sure enough, small white flowers were popping up next to the headstone.

"I didn't know he planted those."

I nodded. "Once when we came here last fall he told me he and Hop Sing had planted them. He said Tante Marie loved flowers. Hoss and Joe planted some crocuses. I thought we'd see them too." I sat on the log bench that Hoss had made overlooking the lake. Uncle Ben must have seen me rub my leg as I sat because he hurried over, looking concerned. "Does it hurt?"

"No, sir. Only a little tired. I'm not used to using it much."

He sat next to me and put his arm around my shoulders. We sat in silence for a while, just enjoying the early spring air and the sounds of the birds. I snuggled close to him, which I love to do. He's as comfortable as my papa was. Sometimes I feel disloyal to Papa when I compare him to Uncle Ben, but then I decide he wouldn't want me to feel like that. I remember Papa saying that a good parent wants his child to be happy.

"Do you come here often with Adam?"

I shook my head. "Mostly with Joe, sometimes we all four come here. We like to come here when we need to think." I hoped I wasn't giving away a secret. "They tell me stories about her, and I like to pretend sometimes that my parents are here, too. It's a nice place to think about them."

I don't think Uncle Ben had any idea that his sons visited Tante Marie's grave frequently. Then again, he came here a lot, why shouldn't they? He never said that he came here, but we knew. We knew when he got real quiet that he was missing her, and maybe even Hoss's and Adam's mothers. He'd get a faraway look in his eyes, like he was somewhere else. Adam told me once that Uncle Ben used to picnic here with Marie, sometimes at night, alone. I think that's so romantic. I don't try to think about what else they may have done here. That's not right to think about them like that. Then I wonder what it will be like when Mitch and I are married and we can picnic by ourselves. But I try not to think like that when Adam or Uncle Ben are around, just in case they figure out what I'm thinking about.

Anyway, after we sat for a while, Uncle Ben decided it was time to go home. He showed me the sun in the sky and explained that I can tell the time by how high it is. He learned that when he was a sailor. I nodded, but he must have forgotten that my father was a sailor, too. I already knew how to tell time by the sun. He helped me on my horse and we headed home. I rode home thinking about Sadie. A sassy horse, Adam had said. Good. This little roan mare was much too tame for me. If I couldn't ride Jove, I'd just as soon ride Sadie.

I heard Uncle Ben mutter as we headed into the yard. There was Mr. Orowitz's buggy tied up outside the house. Hoss came out of the barn.

"Pa, Mr. Orowitz is here with that new sheriff that we met last week. They wanna talk with you. They're inside with Uncle John."

Uncle Ben nodded and asked where Adam and Joe were. Hoss said they were digging fence posts and then he took the reins from his Pa. Uncle Ben headed into the house and I followed Hoss to the barn.

I had just lifted the saddle off my horse when I heard Uncle Ben calling me. I was a little worried, because he called me Anna, not Annie. I looked at Hoss, but he just shrugged and told me he'd finish up. I draped the saddle over the side of the stall and headed towards the house. Uncle Ben was waiting for me on the porch.

I couldn't believe the look on his face. His eyes were almost black and he looked positively thunderous. Adam described him like that once when he was telling a story about getting into trouble in New Orleans, and I didn't know what he meant then, but I know now. He turned on his heel and headed into the house. I didn't dare hesitate so I followed him in.

Uncle John and Mr. Orowitz were sitting at the table with a man I didn't recognize. He was an older man, not as big as either of my uncles, but he looked tough. He had a badge on his vest, so I assumed he was the sheriff. Uncle John looked sad as he looked at me, and Mr. Orowitz smiled a little, as if to encourage me. I felt like I was going to a firing squad and I didn't even know why. I stood by the table and waited. Uncle Ben stood next to me, leaning on one of the chairs.

"Sheriff, this is my niece, Anna Cartwright. Annie, this is Sheriff Coffee. He has something to ask you. You'll answer him just as if you were answering me."

I was confused, but even I knew there could only be one answer for my uncle. "Yes, sir." I couldn't imagine why a lawman would want to talk to me, I couldn't remember breaking any laws. Suddenly I thought of Elsie and I must have gasped out loud because all of the adults looked at me. I swallowed. I was so nervous I thought I was going to faint, but Uncle Ben hadn't told me to sit, so I knew I had to stay standing. I kept telling myself I didn't do anything wrong.

"Miss Cartwright. Annie, today I caught two girls trying to steal from Mr. Orowitz's store. When I questioned them, one of the girls, Elsie Jenkins, said it was your idea, that you were starting a club and if they wanted to be in it, they had to steal something from the store. The other girl, Peggy, agreed." My eyes must have gone as wide as saucers. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I looked up at Uncle Ben and saw he was staring at me, waiting for my answer. Surely he didn't think I'd do such a terrible thing! I shook my head.

"No, sir, no sir, I didn't. Elsie's the one starting the club and she was the one who said if I wanted to be in it, I'd have to steal something. I told her I didn't want to be in her club. She laughed at me and told me I was just afraid of what my uncle would do."

"Are you?"

"Sir?"

"Are you afraid of your uncle?"

"No sir. I mean, I know what he'd do if I did something like that, but that's not why I didn't do it. Stealing's a sin, and a crime, and if it's a sin to steal, it must be a worse sin to steal from a friend, who's only been kind to me since I came here." I turned to Mr. Orowitz. "Please, Mr. Orowitz, say you believe me. I'd never do that to you." To my relief, Mr. Orowitz smiled at me.

"I believe you, Annie. I know you would not do this thing and I told the sheriff that, but he does not know you as I do, so he must see for himself. I am satisfied, Sheriff, are you?"

The sheriff didn't say yes or no, he just looked at me. I swallowed loudly again, but I stood up tall when I felt Uncle Ben's hand on my shoulder. It didn't matter what the sheriff thought. I could tell Uncle Ben believed me and that's all that mattered to me. The sheriff looked at my uncle, then at me. He nodded slowly. "Yes, Mr. Orowitz. I am satisfied." He stood and picked up his hat. He looked at Uncle John. "Thank you for the coffee." He held out his hand to Uncle Ben, who shook it. "I'm sorry to come here like this, Mr. Cartwright, but you understand. " Uncle Ben nodded. I was surprised when the Sheriff held out his hand to me. "I'm sorry to meet you like this, young lady. Mr. Orowitz was sure you weren't involved, but it's my job to check into these things. I glanced up at Uncle Ben, who nodded slightly. I shook the sheriff's hand. "That's all right, sir. Elsie doesn't like me and I guess she was hoping to see me in trouble."

Uncle John and Uncle Ben saw Mr. Orowitz and the sheriff to the door. I decided to come into my room and write about my day so far. I can't believe Peggy would do that to me, I thought she was my friend. Maybe she was just trying to save her own hide, though. Even so, I'm real mad at her.

Uncle Ben just came into talk to me. At first I thought he was mad because I said I wasn't afraid of what he'd do to me, so I tried to explain that I didn't worry about the consequences because I knew stealing was wrong and I wouldn't do it, consequences or no consequences. He sat on the bed next to me and stroked my braids.

"Annie, I'm not angry because you weren't worried about getting a tanning. You thought about the right things. You knew right from wrong without having to think about the consequences. As a parent, that's what I'm trying to teach you. I know this is hard to imagine, but someday you won't have me telling you what to do, and you won't have to worry about me punishing you when you do something wrong. You'll have to rely on your own conscience, and if I've done my job right, that'll be enough. I don't obey laws because I'm afraid of the consequences of my actions. I obey laws because I know it's the right thing to do. Do you understand?" I nodded. "I came in here because I wanted to apologize to you. You thought I was angry with you even before you had a chance to explain. I wasn't angry with you, but I was angry that someone would accuse you of such a thing." He kissed me and he stood up. "It's almost time for lunch, come help Hop Sing, please."

"In a minute? I just want to finish writing in my journal." He nodded and headed to the door. "Uncle Ben?"

"Yes, Annie?"

"That time you're talking about, when you won't be telling me what to do and I don't have to worry about you punishing me, is that..?"

He interrupted me. "Not anytime soon, little girl. Not anytime soon." He grinned and headed out the door. I thought about what he said and I realized once again how lucky I am.

It's still Saturday, but I just had to write in my journal again. The most horrible thing happened today before dinner. I was helping Hop Sing and Adam and Joe were playing checkers at the table when we heard loud shouting from outside, then Uncle Ben yelling "Eric" at the top of his lungs. Well, we all went running outside to see what was the matter and there was Hoss and Uncle John fighting in the yard. They weren't play fighting either, like I've seen Hoss do with Uncle Ben. They were having at it. Uncle Ben was trying to pull Hoss off Uncle John, but he couldn’t and Hoss wasn't paying attention to his own pa yelling at him. Hop Sing and Adam went running to help Uncle Ben. They managed to get Hoss and Uncle John separated. Uncle Ben was, I don't even know how to describe him, he was beyond furious. He just looked at Hoss and pointed to the barn. When Hoss didn't move, Uncle Ben grabbed him by the arm and started to drag him. Uncle John tried to stop them, but he couldn't, so he followed them back into the barn. There was a lot of yelling from the barn, but then Uncle John closed the doors so we couldn't hear. Hop Sing turned me and Joe towards the house and Adam followed. Joe wanted to try to hear what was going on in the barn but Adam just told him that Uncle Ben would blister him good if he caught him.

Hop Sing and I got dinner ready and we waited for Uncle Ben and Uncle John and Hoss to come in. When they did, we sat down to eat but no one said anything. I couldn't even write what we had for dinner. I just wanted to finish eating and go to my room. So here I am. I don't even think Uncle Ben will come to say good night.

March 19, 18—

It's real early in the morning now and no one's awake yet, so I'm going to write in my journal. I did a terrible thing last night and I don't know what to do. I oughta tell Uncle Ben, but he'll tan me good, I just know he will.

I was in bed last night, and it was warm out, so I left the window open. I was so upset about what happened with Hoss that I couldn’t sleep. Anyway, I heard Uncle John and Uncle Ben outside on the porch and I decided to listen to their conversation. That's what Uncle Ben'll tan me for if he finds out.

I heard Uncle John start. "Ben, when did you get old?"

Uncle Ben sighed. "John, I've buried three wives. I'm trying to raise three sons and now a niece. I'm trying to make a go at this ranch. I'm forty-two years old. I can't go running off to sea like you can." Everything was real quiet, then Uncle Ben started again. "I've spent 17 years trying to teach that boy that fighting doesn't solve anything, that he's too big to let his fists talk for him. You provoked him into that fight." I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It sounded like Uncle Ben was blaming Uncle John for the fight with Hoss.

Uncle John answered. "When did you turn into Father? When you went after Hoss today, you looked and sounded just like him."

I heard the porch creak. "What do you mean?"

"You were going to thrash that boy without even listening to his side of the story."

"It's time to let that go, John." Let what go?

Silence. Then a quiet, "I can't."

"John, he's been gone for more than 25 years. You need to forgive him. I have, and I know Eddie did."

"I don't know, Ben. I wish I could." Then they must have walked away because I couldn't hear them anymore.

So now I'm feeling guilty, but I don't know what to do. I suppose I should tell Uncle Ben, but I'm afraid he'll punish me. I don't know what hurts worse, being guilty or a spanking.

I just heard the front door close. I bet that's Adam, he's always the first one up. I'll go talk to him, he'll know what to do.

Dear Journal,

It's Sunday night now. Turns out the person going out of the house wasn't Adam, it was Uncle Ben. He wasn't even dressed really, he had his pants on, but only his red undershirt, no shirt. His suspenders weren't even pulled up. At first I thought I caught him heading to the outhouse, but then I saw him sitting on the stump Hoss uses to chop wood. I don't know why, but as soon as I saw him, I knew I was going to tell on myself.

He jumped when I reached out to touch him. I guess he didn't hear me walking behind him.

"Good morning, Annie. Why are you up so early?"

"Good morning, Uncle Ben. I had trouble sleeping."

"Me, too. Why do you think you had trouble?"

I looked down at my feet. This was going to be harder than I thought. "Guilty conscience."

He raised an eyebrow. "About what do you have to feel guilty?"

I swallowed and took a deep breath. I looked him in the eye and blurted out "Uncle Ben, I did a real bad thing last night." He put his arm around me and drew me to his side.

"What did you do that was so terrible?" His eyes were still light, so he wasn't mad yet. I knew that was going to change.

"I eavesdropped on you and Uncle John last night. I know it was wrong, but my window was open and you were near my room." I looked into his eyes and saw them get darker. Yup, he was getting mad. "I can't even say I didn't mean to, I knew what I was doing was wrong. I'm sorry, Uncle Ben."

Boy was I surprised when he pulled me onto his lap, instead of over it! He held me close, then kissed me on the top of my head. He sighed. "Annie, what you did was wrong and you know it. But, instead of punishing you, I'm going to explain what you overheard. My father was a very strict man. I know I've told you and the boys that many times. He wasn't cruel, but he let his belt do his talking when we got into trouble. I would never have told my father what you just told me because I was afraid of him. Ever since Adam was born, I've tried to not be like my father, I don't want my children to be afraid of me. I made a lot of mistakes, especially with Adam, but I learned, first with Inger's, then with Marie's help." He paused, and I was wondering why he was telling me this. It made me feel grown-up, that he would speak to me like this.

Uncle Ben kept talking. "The last time I saw your father, when he and your mother came to New Orleans, he and I spent a lot of time talking. We both realized that being angry with our father wasn't helping us, so we decided to remember just the good things Father did. Believe me, there were a lot of times when we loved to be with him. But Uncle John can't do that. He was the oldest, and parents tend to be hardest on the oldest. That's what you heard us talking about last night. Do you understand?"

I nodded my head, even if I wasn't sure I did understand. He put his hand under my chin and looked at me solemnly. "I wouldn't have told you all this, but you eavesdropped when you shouldn't have. I think you can spend some time in your room after church services to think about this, all right?"

So that's why I'm in my room, writing in my journal instead of being outside with everyone else. Uncle John and Hoss went off for a ride. I think they were going to talk. I'm still not sure what the fight was about, but I heard Hoss tell Adam that he was tired of Uncle John criticizing Uncle Ben. The sermon was about forgiveness and Uncle John asked Uncle Ben if he had asked for that topic especially for him. I don't think I was meant to hear that, though. You'd think if grownups were talking about things they didn't want children to hear, they would wait until we're not around.

March 20, 18—

What a rotten day. Oatmeal for breakfast, then it rained all day, which meant getting to school wet. Then I had to ignore Peggy because I was mad at her for telling Sheriff Coffee that I told her to steal, then I overheard Elsie brag that she had danced with Mitch at the dance last Friday. We had to stay in for recess because of the rain, and I lost the spelling bee to Warren, the new boy. His pa is the new minister in town. Then I had extra chores to do at home because Uncle Ben caught me sticking my tongue out at his back. Course, Adam had to point out that I was lucky to only get extra chores. To hear him talk, Uncle Ben must have tanned him just for breathing on some days. How he ever made it to 21 is beyond me. Now of course, he's perfect and he never gets into trouble. I guess I shouldn't have said that to him, though, cuz now I'm sent to bed early. I'd better hide this before Uncle Ben comes in. I'm supposed to be asleep already.

March 21, 18—

Today I had two boys fighting over me. That was exciting, except one of the boys was Mitch and I don't like the other boy. His name is Connor Matthews and he's another new boy in school. He's about the same age as Mitch, but he's not anywhere near as nice. He tried to kiss me, and Mitch punched him. They got into a big fight, and Mr. Taylor had to break it up. Poor Mitch was afraid of what his Pa was going to do. Mr. Devlin's like Uncle Ben, he doesn't tolerate fighting in school, or anywhere else for that matter. Anyway, Mr. Devlin was with Uncle Ben outside the Orowitz's store and when he saw Mitch he grabbed his arm. He was just about to smack Mitch when I grabbed Mr. Devlin's arm. I'm not sure who was more surprised, me or Mitch's Pa. Uncle Ben was surprised, too, but then he was mad. He yelled at me to let go of Mr. Devlin. I thought for sure I'd get it right there, too, but I managed to squeak out that it wasn't Mitch's fault, that he was defending me. Joe yelled that I was telling the truth.

Well, that set Uncle Ben off! He grabbed my arm and spun me to look at him. He looked me up and down, then demanded to know what I meant. I started to explain what happened, but he kept interrupting. He looked real mad, and I thought maybe he thought I did something to stir up Connor. Finally, Mr. Devlin held up his hand and told Uncle Ben to 'let the girl explain.' So, I explained that I was sitting by myself during recess (I'm still not speaking with Peggy, but I didn't mention that) when Connor came and sat by me. At first I liked talking to him, but then he tried to put his arm around me. I tried to scoot away, I didn't like talking to him anymore, but he held me tight. Then he tried to kiss me on the lips. Mitch saw that and grabbed Connor and punched him. Next thing I knew, they were rolling around.

Mr. Devlin put his arm on Uncle Ben to keep him from looking for Connor and pounding him into the ground. Finally he got Uncle Ben to calm down. Uncle Ben shook Mitch's hand and thanked him for helping me. Uncle John, Hoss and Adam heard the last part of the story and they looked like they'd pound Connor if they ever met him. I think Connor's going to regret ever coming near me. It's a good feeling knowing that I'm surrounded by such protectors.

March 23, 18—

Oh, Lord, Joe and I have done a really, really bad thing. I didn't have a chance to write in my journal yesterday because I was too busy getting into trouble. If Uncle Ben ever finds out what Joe and I did, he'll wear us both out. I don't even want to write about it.

March 24, 18—

Joe and I were so stupid to think we'd get away with it. Oh well, if I'm going to write about it, I guess I'd better start at the beginning.

Two days ago, a bunch of us wandered off and were more than a half hour late coming back into school from recess. Mr. Taylor was very angry and he wrote notes home to all our parents. Joe and I were worried because we had both gotten into trouble in the past week, and we were afraid of what Uncle Ben would say. More to the point, we were more afraid of what he would DO. So, I agreed to sign Uncle Ben's name to the note and give it back to Mr. Taylor. The idea was Joe's but I can't blame him because I agreed to it. That was my first mistake.

Then Joe gave the note to Mr. Taylor. Mr. Taylor looked at it and looked at Joe. "Is this your father's signature?" Joe nodded. "Yes, sir." Mr. Taylor looked at me. "Annie, is this your uncle's signature?" I nodded and said "yes, sir" real quick. Mistake two.

Joe and I didn't have to hurry home. Uncle Ben had given us permission to play with some of the other students for a little while after school, so we took our time getting home. Mr. Taylor was just riding away from the house just as we were riding into the yard. I looked at Joe, who was about as scared as I've ever seen him, and he looked at me. I reckon I looked as bad as him. I know I felt like I was going to be sick. Uncle Ben and Uncle John were on the porch watching Mr. Taylor ride off and when they turned and saw us ride in, they both came down the steps. Uncle John took the reins and Uncle Ben grabbed Joe and me. He just about dragged us into the house and deposited us on the couch. All he said was "don't move" and then he left the house. Hop Sing just looked at the two of us and shook his head. I didn't even dare turn my head to look at Joe, in case Uncle Ben came in and saw me moving.

We sat there for about 10 minutes, each of us thinking of the ways Uncle Ben was going to kill us, when Adam and Hoss came into the house. They wouldn't even look at us. A few minutes later, Uncle John came in.

"Joe, your Pa wants to see you in the barn." Joe's eyes widened but he hurried to obey. Uncle John looked at me sadly. "Annie, you two have really done it this time." What could I say? I just looked at my hands for what seemed like a million years until the door flew open and Joe ran into the bunkroom. I stood up, too slowly I guess for Hoss.

"Annie, it'll be a lot worse if he thinks you're keepin' him waitin'." I just nodded and headed towards the barn.

I'm not sure what was going through my mind as I headed to the barn. I was in as much trouble as I had ever been in my whole life and that's saying a lot. I figured I was in for a spanking, probably worse, but what I was really worried about was what Uncle Ben was going to say.

I went into the barn and he was standing with his back to me, leaning into Buck's stall. I stood in the doorway, trying to speak, but all that came out was a nervous squeak. The squeak was loud enough to attract his attention and he turned towards me. I don't know as I can explain the look on his face. He was angry, that was obvious, but he was sad and disappointed, too. I felt even worse than I did before. He beckoned me to him, then just looked at me as I stood in front of him. I couldn’t look at him too long, though. I could feel the shame running through me.

"Look at me. Whose idea was it to sign my name?"

I looked up briefly. "Joe's, sir, but I agreed. I was the one who did it." He nodded, as if I had confirmed what Joe had told him.

"Who lied to Mr. Taylor about the signature? Anna, look at me when I am speaking to you." He lifted my chin with his hand. I felt the urge to be sick wash over me again.

"We both did, sir." I was determined that I would share the blame equally with Joe. He let go of my chin with a sigh and frowned down at me. "I'm sorry, Uncle Ben."

His jaw ground to the right. "That makes it all right then?" I shook my head and started to explain, but he put up his hand to stop me. "You lied to me, you lied to Mr. Taylor. You forged my signature, Anna. When you did that, you made me part of your deceit! I would like to know what in Heaven's name were you thinking?" He punctuated each sentence with a jab of his right finger in my direction. With every word, his voice got quieter, his tone more angry. I froze. I tried to talk, but nothing came out. I don't think it mattered though. He didn't wait long enough for me to explain. "You weren't thinking, were you?" I nodded, then shook my head. How do you answer a question like that? "I am so disappointed in you. I just don't know what to say." He dropped his hands in disgust. I wanted to tell him he didn't need to say more. Disappointing Uncle Ben is just about the worst thing I could do.

He hooked his thumbs in his belt. I think Adam and Hoss must have heard me gulp in the house. "I can't let this one go by with just some extra chores or restriction. You were disobedient to Mr. Taylor, you deceived both Mr. Taylor and me and you were disrespectful to us both." The three Ds, the worst things I could do in my uncle's eyes, just like with Papa. I looked down at my feet; I knew what was coming next. Sure enough, when I looked up again, he was unbuckling his belt. He bent me over a bale of hay. I closed my eyes tightly as he lifted up my skirts and petticoats.

So now I'm here, the morning after, lying down on my bed. I feel worse than either of the times I rode Jove. At least then, I did something fun to deserve the punishment. This time I just did something stupid.

I haven't talked to Uncle Ben since I left the barn. I had to sit through dinner, which was agony, even with the pillow. My only consolation was that Joe was just as uncomfortable. Adam volunteered to do the dishes for me so I could go to my room as soon as I was excused. Adam's funny. One minute he's telling us that Uncle Ben's too easy on Joe and me, but when we do get punished, he's very sympathetic and he goes out of his way to make things easier for us.

I guess I'd better get up and start my chores. I want to do everything I can to win my way back into Uncle Ben's good graces. I don't know how I'm going to ride to school today, let alone sit on that bench all day. And, how am I going to face Mr. Taylor? I know I shall have to apologize to him, but what if he doesn't believe me? Stupid, stupid, stupid me.

Dear Journal:

It's me again. School was hard. Uncle Ben took us in the wagon, so I stood most of the way, until we got to town. (I didn't want the others to see me standing in the back, they'd know what happened. Joe sat once we got into town, too.) Somehow I managed to not squirm all day, I don't know how. I apologized to Mr. Taylor and he accepted my apology, but I think it's going to take a while before things are right between us again.

I talked to Uncle Ben. He has forgiven me, he says, and, he says, I've been punished, but I still feel sick about the whole thing. I'm never going to do anything that stupid again. From now on, it's a new Annie Cartwright. I've just got to make it up to Uncle Ben.

Everyone is sad tonight. Uncle John announced at dinner that he would be leaving for San Francisco soon. Even though we knew it would be coming, now that Spring is here, we were still upset. Uncle Ben musta known beforehand, because he didn't seem surprised, but he looked sad, too. I think he was getting used to having another adult around. (Adam would be mad if he saw that. He thinks of himself as an adult, but I reckon a son isn't quite the same as a brother.)

March 25, 18—

Adam and I have been discussing our journals. Of course, I did not let him read mine, nor did he offer his to me, but he asked what I write about. I told him I write about things that happen or what I think of things. He told me that historians sometimes read old journals and diaries to learn about everyday life long ago. Fancy someone 150 years hence reading this diary and learning about life in Eagle Station. I'll have to ask Mr. Taylor if that is true. I cannot imagine anyone wanting to read this journal!

Today is Saturday and it is the first day of vacation. Not that it will be much of a vacation. Hop Sing is itching to do spring-cleaning and it will be my job to help him. Joe will be helping Hoss and Adam doing whatever it is they do. On a positive note though, Uncle Ben has said if I do chores all week, I shall be debt free and getting an allowance again. I have been without an allowance since before Christmas, when that rabbit ate Mr. Taylor's books. I had just about paid that off but then I dented Uncle Ben's tobacco canister (and spilled all his tobacco) when I threw it at Joe's head. I think it will be worth the work to get an allowance again. I think Uncle Ben's doing me a favor, though, because I would have had to do the work anyway. Sometimes I wish I were not the only girl here.

March 26, 18—

Church was long and dull. Uncle Ben had to tap me twice to pay attention to the sermon. I wish I knew how he knew that I was not looking at the minister if he is looking at the minister. The bench not very comfortable and it took most of my concentration to keep from squirming. Fortunately Uncle Ben must have taken pity on Joe and me because he asked Adam what the sermon was about.

Mrs. Greene has sent over a stack of newspapers and magazines she thought I might enjoy. Adam was excited to see them until he saw the titles. They are all either Youth's Companion or Godey's Ladies Book. He looked through some of the Youth's Companions and read this to me. He guessed it was not written about me, or so he said. If Uncle Ben hadn't been in the room, I would have given him what for. This is what he read:

A good girl is always obedient and respectful to her teacher, and tries to gain her confidence and love. She is always prompt at school, and studious when there. She is never seen dragging behind the rest of her class, nor is she ever seen encouraging her school-mates in any ill-behaviour. She is not rude at play, but is always kind to the little scholars, and assists them in their lessons. She is neat and orderly, and is never seen throwing anything on the floor, or passing by anything that is not hung up, or put in its place. A good girl at school is not only happy herself, but sets a good example for all others to follow. (from Youth's Companion, Nov. 1849)

I think I behave myself in school, at least most of the time. Adam thinks he's so funny. Just for that I might not tell him that some of the older issues of Godey's have Mr. Poe's stories in them.

Uncle John and I went riding together today. He is leaving at the end of the week and he wants to spend time alone with each of us before he goes. I am going to miss him terribly.

I got to ride Sadie for the first time. I think Uncle Ben wanted to be the one to ride with me, but he allowed that Uncle John knew something about horses. Then Uncle John told Uncle Ben that he had been "riding since you were in a dress and curls, little brother." Joe and I giggled, but a look from Uncle Ben stopped us. The idea of Uncle Ben still wearing a dress and long hair makes me laugh.

Uncle John and I rode for quite a ways, then we stopped by the lake. We talked for a long time, mostly about my father. Uncle John has been feeling guilty because Papa and he fought the last time they were together. Not an argument fight, but actual fisticuffs, like he had with Hoss. I was glad to tell him that my father only spoke of him with great love and affection and that I never heard Papa speak ill of him. I think it gave him comfort to think so. Talking with Uncle John made me resolve again to always be on good terms with my cousins, who are like my own brothers now.

I almost had a disaster when we were riding home. Sadie shied at a snake and somehow got a stone caught in her shoe. I was thrown when she shied, but I wasn't hurt, I just had the wind knocked out of me. Uncle John was beside me almost as soon as I hit the ground and he insisted I ride with him. He was worried about me, but I was worried about Sadie. I did not want to ride her until Hoss made sure she was all right. I have to admit, I enjoyed riding home in front of Uncle John. There was something comforting about leaning against him with his arm wrapped around my waist. I've ridden like that with Hoss and with Uncle Ben, and although it may be babyish to admit it, I enjoy those times.

Uncle Ben almost panicked when he saw us ride into the yard, but Uncle John assured him that I was all right. Of course, that did not stop Uncle Ben from watching me all evening, but I held my tongue and did not say anything to him. Hoss checked Sadie's hoof and decided it was bruised. I cannot ride her for a day or so, but I think I will have so much work to do that I won't have time to ride.

Hop Sing has told me to go to sleep early because we'll have a lot of work tomorrow.

March 27, 18—

I am so tired today I can barely move. Hop Sing can work hard, and he expects me to do the same. I have been doing chores since I awoke this morning. Hop Sing was up early and woke me even before Uncle Ben woke up. I have never been awake this early, and poor Uncle Ben looked so confused when he came out of his room and there I was. Today was kitchen-cleaning day, although I suppose it's a bit much to call it kitchen cleaning. More like clean the corner of the room where we do the cooking day. Uncle Ben has said he might build a kitchen this year, but I'm not sure I like the idea. I spend a lot of time there and I think I'd miss a lot if I was in the kitchen and everyone else was by the fireplace. But Hop Sing really wants a kitchen, I can tell.

Unfortunately for me, Uncle Ben came out of his room in the middle of a conversation with Hop Sing. He heard me ask Hop Sing why we're doing this spring-cleaning so early. After all, it's still cold outside.

"Annie, just do as you're told and don't question Hop Sing." Uncle Ben held out his hand for the cup of coffee I just poured. "Don't roll your eyes at me!"

Why does he always assume that I'm sassing someone? I sighed and tried to not sound impatient. Not an easy task, considering I was still awfully tired. "I wasn't being impertinent Uncle Ben, I was just wondering why we started spring cleaning while it was still practically winter."

I glanced at Hop Sing in time to see him hide a smile. "We start inside cleaning so it is done when it is time to do outside work, like plant garden. Please set table for breakfast."

Uncle Ben grabbed me as I turned to get the dishes and pulled me into a hug. "You know, if you didn't spend so much time being sassy, I wouldn't think you were being sassy all the time."

I returned the hug. "Aw, Uncle Ben, if I didn't spend so much time being sassy, you wouldn't know me." He laughed and sent me on my way with a swat.

Hop Sing and I spent the morning cleaning off the shelves, making sure the dry goods were free of bugs (and I'm glad to say they were. I hate bugs. I don't mind snakes or mice, but I hate bugs!) and repapering the shelves. We had quite a list of needed supplies by the time everyone came home for lunch. I was hoping I would get to go into town for the supplies, but it turns out that was Adam's time with Uncle John. They were gone for most of the afternoon, arriving home just before dinner. I got to spend the afternoon blacking the stove. That's a nasty, smelly, dirty job and one I was glad to do before the weather got hot.

Adam and Uncle John were having an argument when they came in the door. Adam through his hat down on the sideboard, thanked Hoss and Joe for doing the barn chores, then turned to Uncle John.

"I appreciate the offer, Uncle John, but the answer is no." Uncle Ben turned from his seat on the couch.

"What are you offering, John?" From the look on his face, I think Uncle Ben thought Uncle John was offering to take Adam with him to sea.

"Ben, this boy of yours is as stubborn as his father."

Hoss, Joe and I quickly hid our grins. Everyone knows that the only person more stubborn than Adam is Uncle Ben. Anyway, it turns out that Uncle John wanted to give Adam some money for college. He wants to help because Adam will be the first Cartwright to attend college, and that's something to be proud of. I think he's right and I hope Adam comes around before Uncle John leaves. Seems to me that Adam is insulting Uncle John by turning down his gift and that he's just being stubborn and prideful. Doesn't the Bible say that pride goeth before the fall? I'm not sure what that means exactly, but later that night I told Adam I thought he was wrong and that he was hurting Uncle John. He looked kind of thoughtful, so I hope he'll change his mind.

March 28, 18—

I think I'm more tired today than I was yesterday. I know I didn't think that was possible. Today was the day to clean the fireplace and all the lamps, polish the silver (not that there's much there, just some pieces Tante Marie had. Uncle Ben packed away the Revere silver that Grandfather Stoddard sent and I don't think he'd let me touch it anyway) and then I got to wash the floors. All of them. The bunkroom, Uncle Ben's room, my room, the main room. For a small house, we sure have a lot of floors. Plus Hop Sing had to go see a sick cousin so I got to make lunch and dinner. And in my spare time I got to do my regular barn chores. At least I got to use the stove. Hop Sing doesn't let me use it much (he's still enjoying the newness of it!) Hop Sing came home just before I went to my room for the night and told me tomorrow we'd be airing all the mattresses, pillows and cushions from the sofa if the weather holds. I'm not really looking forward to the morning. To top it all off, Joe got to spend the afternoon fishing with Uncle John. Oh well, I guess it was his turn.

March 29, 18—

Am so tired I can barely write. Hoss helped this morning because we had to drag out all the mattresses to the porch to air. Straw mattresses are heavy. At least we don't have to re-stuff them yet. We'll wait until the fall to do that. Then Hoss had to tighten all the ropes on the beds. I'm not strong enough to do that, but I watched him. Finally I was alone with him and I could ask what the fight with Uncle John was all about. Hoss looked kind of sheepish, but he answered.

"Uncle John was trying to tell me that Pa's not perfect."

"He thought you didn't know this already?" Much as I loved and respected Uncle Ben, I knew he wasn't perfect.

Hoss glared at me. "Nah, but he just kept telling me Pa don't know everything. I said I knew that but he kept after me. He pushed me a little then I got mad. I don't want to talk about it any more." And he wouldn't say anything else. I can't help but think there's more to the story than that. But, Hoss wouldn't say another thing.

When we got done with the mattresses, Hoss went to join Uncle Ben and Uncle John checking on the herd. Joe and Adam were checking my house. (I mean the house on my ranch, the one we bought last year.) Uncle Ben's thinking of renting it and he wanted Joe and Adam to make sure it didn't need repairs. I wonder if I'll ever live there?

After Hoss rode off, I got to take down all the curtains and wash them and, when they were almost dry, I got to iron them. I hate ironing more than any other girl chore that I have to do. The flatirons are so heavy my arm gets tired after a few minutes. But, Hop Sing hates it worse than me, so I get stuck with it. Sometimes I feel like I'm at the bottom of the barrel, getting the worst of the chores that no one else wants to do.

The afternoon was more chores, chores, chores. I wish vacation were over! Hoss got to go off with Uncle John. He'll be leaving in a few more days.

March 30, 18—

Too tired to write. Did more work. Had a few minutes to look at the Godey's that Mrs. Greene sent over. I saw some interesting women's clothes called bloomers. They're named for Amelia Bloomer who first started wearing them. Trousers under a skirt, they look practical. I wonder what Uncle Ben would think if I wore them.

So, are you people who are reading this diary to find out what life was like in Eagle Station enjoying this? I laugh every time I think someone might read this. Maybe I should address it to my great-great granddaughters. Do you still have to do chores like this or has Adam finally invented a machine to do it all? I keep telling him if he wants to do something useful he should invent machines to do my work. He wants to know what I'd do then.

April 2, 18--

I didn't write yesterday because I had no heart with which to write. Uncle John left early in the morning and I cried until lunchtime. Joe got in trouble with Uncle Ben because he made fun of me for carrying on. Truth be told, I feel a little foolish today but yesterday I was inconsolable.

Uncle John left right after breakfast. He actually scolded me during breakfast because I could not eat, but I was too sad. Joe, Adam and Hoss were quiet, although Hoss ate as usual. Uncle Ben was full of last minute advice for Uncle John, and the two of them reminisced about their sailing days. Finally breakfast was over. Hoss went to saddle Uncle John's horse (he had bought one from Big Dan as he would not accept Uncle Ben's gift of one) and Adam carried out Uncle John's saddle bags. The rest of us went out to the yard to say our final good-byes.

Hop Sing looked surprised when Uncle John shook his hand. "Hop Sing, the memory of your good cooking will carry me through my voyages." He looked over at his saddlebags. "I'll be sure to get those letters to your family in San Francisco." Hop Sing bowed and thanked Uncle John.

Then Uncle John turned to Adam and he pulled him into an embrace, which Adam returned. I was surprised to see that, because Adam usually shies away affection. "Adam, I know your father's told you this before, but your mother would be so proud of you. You do well in college; you do the Cartwright name proud, nephew." Adam's eyes glittered as he nodded.

Next was Hoss's turn. He too was pulled into an embrace. "Eric, thank you. You're a good son. You take care of your father for me. And remember, it's your job to keep the peace."

"Yes, sir."

Joe squealed as Uncle John picked him up, then set him down again. "Joseph, you go on keeping your father on his toes. You remember those stories I told you, and remind him every once in a while." For once Joe didn't duck as Uncle John ruffled his hair.

Then it was my turn. Uncle John knelt before me. "Oh, Annie, my love. I thought I was too old to lose my heart to a girl again, but I was wrong." He brushed away my tears that were starting to fall. "I am so glad to see that you are your father's daughter. I loved him so." He hugged me close and I fought to keep from sobbing. He kissed me, then stood and turned towards Uncle Ben.

The two looked at each other for a long minute, then embraced.

"Take care of yourself, old man."

"Mind your elder, little brother."

They separated and Uncle John mounted up. Uncle Ben caught the reins. "God speed, John. Be safe. Write soon."

"I'll try." He turned his horse and headed out of the yard. He looked back and yelled, "You take care of those children, Benji!" and galloped away.

Uncle Ben bent down swiftly and grabbed a dirt clod, which he threw at Uncle John. "Don't call me Benji!!"

We spent the rest of yesterday finishing the spring-cleaning. Uncle Ben thought it was best that we keep ourselves occupied. Today, however, was a day of rest. We didn't even go to church, but instead packed a picnic lunch and spent the day at the Lake.

I was shocked when we walked to Tante Marie's grave to pay our respects. A new stone was placed next to her's. Everyone looked at me as I bent over to read it. "Edward and Kathleen Cartwright. Loving father and mother, beloved brother and sister. Gone, but always with us." Uncle Ben and Uncle John had made the stone for me, so I don't have to pretend when I think about them. I thought about Uncle John, wondering if I would ever see him again. I hoped I would, but I know I will treasure the time he spent with us.

The end.