Home is the Sailor

By Marion

"Hey, Pa!" Joe Cartwright came running into the house.

"Hello, Joseph. How was town?" Joe and Hoss had gone into town for some much needed supplies.

"All right. Mrs. Orowitz gave me some candy. And, yes, I remembered to say 'thank you.' But that's not the most excitin' part, Pa. You got a letter. Hoss has it, he didn't trust me not to lose it." Joe rolled his eyes at that.

Ben laughed as he took Joe's hat off the boy's head. He could just imagine the exchange between the two brothers. He wondered who the letter was from – he didn't know too many people would write to him. Maybe John was able to send a letter with a passing ship. He stepped out on the porch just as Hoss came up the stairs.

"Here's your letter, Pa. I reckon Joe's already told you about it. Could ya send Joe back out? He's supposed to be helping with the lighter stuff."

"Need a hand?"

"No, sir, thank you. You'd best read that letter 'afore your curiosity runs away with ya."

Ben swatted his middle son, who just laughed. Hoss knew his father all too well. Ben looked at the writing on the envelope as he closed the front door behind him.

"Well I'll be…"

"Who's it from, Pa?" Joe tried looking at the envelope.

"My father's cousin Charlie. You go help your brother now or there'll be no fishing for you this afternoon." Ben had promised his sons and niece that they would all spend the afternoon by the lake. Ben slit open the letter and sat on the sofa to read it.

"Dear Ben,

I hope this letter reaches you in good health. I am as well as an old man might be. I received your letter about Ed. I am sorry; he was a good lad. I remember all the mischief you boys got into here, and how much pleasure you gave to my parents. I know what it is to lose a brother. It is like losing a piece of your boyhood.

I saw Abel Stoddard a month ago as he came for a visit. He looks well for a man of his age. He told me that you have the care of Ed's daughter just as my father raised yours. I only hope Anna is less of a troublemaker than my cousin Joseph. (No, that is not fair to speak of him so. I am sure I got him into as much trouble as he ever got me.)

Abel also told me that your brother John visited you over the winter and that the fool is back at sea. That is no life for a man his age. I should know – I sailed until I was fifty.

I am an old man, Ben, and I have outlived my two brothers and my cousin, your father, who was like a brother. You and John, and your children are the only family I have left. I would so dearly love to see you again, but I fear we must leave that to God. I was never a wise man, Ben, and as you may know, I gambled much in my youth. However, I have directed all that I have will be yours someday. Use it to raise those Cartwrights of yours.

The Three Sisters are well. Had you listened to my mother, you would be tending them now instead of me. Be glad you did not. You were meant for more than lighting these lamps.

Remember me in your prayers as I do you. I remain, affectionately yours,

Charlie"

Ben read the letter to his family while they fished at the lake.

"Pa, who were the three sisters and why would ya hafta take care of some old ladies?" Joe was lying on his back, not paying much attention to his pole.

Ben laughed. "The question isn't who are the three sisters, Joseph, but what are the three sisters. Remember I told you my uncle was a lighthouse keeper?" They all nodded. "Well, the light he tended was actually three lights. Cape Cod, where Uncle John lived, is shaped like this." Ben curled his arm up and made a fist. "The first light was in Provincetown, here." He pointed to his fist. "The next light to be installed was in Chatham, here." He pointed to his elbow. "The Chatham light was actually two lights. Well, ships kept getting wrecked along here." Ben pointed to a spot between his wrist and his elbow. "They decided to put in a light there and to distinguish it, they made it three separate towers. Supposedly they looked to sailors like three women in white wearing black hats, hence the name Three Sisters. They're on a cliff overlooking the ocean."

"What's the ocean like, Pa?" Joe sat up on his elbows so he could see his father.

Ben looked over the lake. "Well, Joe, it's something like the Gulf, do you remember what that looked like?"

"Yeah, it was big."

"The ocean's bigger. It's so big, you can't see any land on the horizon. The water is grey, sometimes blue, sometimes green. When you grow up by the ocean, you learn that it has moods, much like people. When the weather is good, the tide flows in and out, and the gentle rolling of the waves lulls you to sleep. Sometimes it plays with you when you're swimming near shore. Sometimes, like when there's a storm, the ocean becomes angry and loud."

Adam leaned over to Hoss. "Sounds like someone we know…"

Ben raised an eyebrow. "Something you want to say, Adam?" Adam just grinned and shook his head.

"Anyway, when you grow up by the ocean, you learn to respect it from a young age" here Ben paused to swat a laughing Adam with his hat "and if you're smart, you'll respect it as you grow older, too." Adam tried, unsuccessfully, to wipe the grin off his face. "I really learned to respect the ocean's moods when I started sailing." He didn't tell his sons that when he was sailing, the sailors often likened the ocean to a mistress, with all her moods and tempers. Sometimes she would tease a man, sometimes she'd caress him like a lover and then slap him down hard. Adam and Hoss were old enough to hear talk like that, Joe and Annie definitely not.

"Did ya like sailing, Pa?" Hoss had managed to stop laughing and looked at his father seriously.

Ben shrugged. "I don't know if I liked it or disliked it, it was just something I did. Some men were born sailors. Abel Stoddard was one, your Uncle John was another. For me it was a job, and a hard one at that. Sailing is a difficult life and not very forgiving if you make a mistake."

"Ranchin's hard, Pa."

"You're right, of course, Hoss, but with sailing there is no escape. You're stuck on a ship smaller than our yard area and you can't escape from the men around you. You're at the mercy of the sea and she doesn't tolerate mistakes. I've been in gales that make a Sierra blizzard seem like a spring rain. I've seen men drowned, I've seen them attacked by sharks, and I've seen them lose limbs when they got caught in an anchor chain."

Joe leaned forward. "How come ya started sailin' then, Pa?"

Ben smiled. "Like I said, it was a job. There weren't a lot of jobs that didn't somehow involve the sea, and sailing sounded a lot more exciting than fishing. Don't forget, Joe, I grew up on the Atlantic Ocean and when you're a boy sailing sounds like it's full of adventure and mystery. Sure, the old folks tell you it's hard work, but they're old – what do they know of adventure?" Ben almost laughed out loud at the look on Joe's face. Didn't his boys ever realize that he was young once too? "You know, until Adam and I started West, I had never been more than 20 miles from the ocean. And I was 23 when we started our journey."

"What was it like growin' up by the ocean. It couldn’t'a been as much fun as here. Bet there was too many people around." Ben smiled at Joe's question.

"Well, son, I expect it was different than growing up here, but we still had a good time, my brothers and I. Plymouth was a busy town, and everyone knew my parents, so if we got into mischief, you could be sure my father heard about it. But the Cape was different. We could spend hours playing and not see another person. We used to spend time there every summer with Uncle John and Aunt May. Sometimes we'd just spend a few weeks there with our parents but mostly we would spend the entire summer there and our parents wouldn't come until the last couple of weeks of August. Remember in Charlie's letter he said if I had listened to Aunt May I'd be tending the lighthouses? Would you like to hear about the summer I learned that was the last thing I'd ever want to do with my life?" Four heads nodded. He looked at Adam and smiled tenderly. "Son, that was the summer I meet your mother…"

***********************************

The grey haired man and woman led three boys into church. The two adults were careful to make sure that they were between the boys, the better to keep them quiet during service. The man leaned towards the oldest boy, sitting in the middle.

"Now, John, you'll behave yourself during service, won't you?" The black haired 13 year old glared up at his uncle but didn't speak. "Lad, I would hate to make you start this summer standing up, if you take my meaning. So you'll behave yourself, right?"

"Yes, Uncle John."

The man nodded and then looked forward as the minister mounted the pulpit. All three boys also appeared to be paying attention but after the minister had been preaching for about a half hour, the boy on the other side of Uncle John started taking peeks around him. After all, Ben reasoned, if Uncle John was looking at the minister, he couldn't be paying attention to the boys. A sharp rap on his knee quickly bought his eyes to his uncle's. Uncle John raised one finger. Ben's father had the same signal. If he had to raise three fingers, that meant big trouble at home. Ben realized with a sigh that he'd probably just put himself first in line when it came to reciting the sermon for the day. How could Uncle John know Ben wasn't paying attention to the minister if he was watching the minister? Considering what his father had done when Ben asked that question, he knew better than to ask Uncle John, even if Uncle John wasn't quite as strict as Father. Father must have learned this from Uncle John, he thought with a sigh as he turned his eyes back to the minister. It wouldn’t do to get in trouble today. He and his brothers had big plans for the afternoon.

Unfortunately for them, their uncle and aunt also had big plans. As they were filing out of church, they stopped to visit a neighbor who was standing to one side with another woman and a young girl. The boys rolled their eyes at the girl, who looked to be about nine, Eddie's age.

Aunt May turned to the boys. "Mary, these are our nephews, John, Benjamin and Edward. They are staying with us for the summer. Boys, this is Mrs. Jones, her niece Mrs. Stoddard and Mrs. Stoddard's daughter, Elizabeth."

Mrs. Jones bent down to pinch Eddie's cheek. "I can't believe little Joseph has boys of his own. And they're such little men, aren't they?" A warning glance from Uncle John silenced any comment the boys thought to make.

"Boys, I have wonderful news. We'll be spending lunch and the rest of the day with Mrs. Jones. I'm sure you'll enjoy playing with Elizabeth."

"Like I'd enjoy the plague." John muttered. Uncle John dug his fingers into the boy's shoulder.

"You have something to say, lad?"

"Yes, sir, I said I'm sure we'll have fun playing"

"I thought that was what you had to say."

Lunch seemed to last forever. The adults kept talking about some Captain Stoddard. Apparently he was Elizabeth's father and he had sailed with Uncle John. He had his own ship, which for some reason impressed Uncle John to no end. "Imagine, Abel captain of his own ship. The Wanderer's a good ship you say?" The boys sat at the table trying to not let their boredom show. Ben kept glancing over at Elizabeth to see if she was as bored as they were. If she were, she did a better job hiding it than John did. He kept fidgeting about until Uncle John finally took pity on them.

"You boys are excused." He glared at them as they all pushed their chairs noisily back from the table. "You remember it's the Sabbath. No roughhousing, and you're to remember to be gentlemen with Elizabeth." John bit back the groan. He had forgotten she'd be playing with them. That meant no swimming. "And if I seen any sign of a fight on you, I'll wear you out." All three boys looked embarrassed as they glanced at the ladies around the table. Uncle John waved towards the door. "Go on lads, before I change my mind." Elizabeth looked at her mother, who nodded her permission to leave the table.

As the boys left the room, they could hear the Widow Jones say to Uncle John, "they sound as much a handful as their father and your boys." They didn't stick around to hear his reply.

The four children stood outside the Widow Jones' door. Her gray cottage overlooked the bay, and the tide was just starting to come in. Eddie looked down towards the water.

"I bet we could walk halfway to Plymouth, the water's so shallow."

John punched him in the arm. "Yeah, and we'd get there before the tide came in. Don't be a dummy."

Eddie rubbed his arm. "Cut it out, John or I'll pound ya. Besides, you heard Uncle John. He'll wear us out if he sees we've been fighting."

"Ooo, I'm scared." John punched Eddie in the arm again. " I'm not worried about Uncle John. I'll just punch you where he can't see it."

Ben put himself between his brothers. "Cut it out. Elizabeth'll think we're a bunch of savages."

John turned to punch Ben, who easily deflected his blow. "Yes, we don't want Elizabeth to get the wrong idea about us." Ben refused to rise to John's bait.

He turned towards Elizabeth. The girl, who was smaller even than Eddie, was watching them with wide, blue eyes. "I'm sorry for my brother's behavior. Would you like to go to the water, Elizabeth?" He glared at his older brother who was just about to retort.

"Liz."

Ben looked back at the girl in surprise. "What?"

"I like to be called Liz. And, yes, I'd like to go to the water. Maybe the crabs would be coming in now. They do sometimes. Last time I was here, I found thousands of them." She ran to the side of the house and brought back a bucket and a net. "I like to catch 'em."

"Girls don't like crabs." John snorted in disgust. Ben pushed him and then danced out of John's way before his brother could retaliate. He hurried to catch up to Liz.

"Let me carry those for you." Ben took the bucket and Eddie grabbed the net. Liz led the way down the path, through the roses all in bloom. For a few minutes they could see nothing of the sky and all they heard were gulls, the gentle rolling of the tide and bees buzzing in the roses. The air was heavy with the scent of ocean and roses.

"Look out for the thorns. They'll hurt something fierce if you get scratched."

They came out through the bramble and onto the beach. No people as far as the eye could see, although they saw lots of terns and gulls feeding in the shallow waters. Liz pointed to their right. "That's Wellfleet on yonder point. Look to the left and you can see First Encounter Beach. It's called that because that's where the Pilgrims first met the Indians, before they landed at Plymouth." The boys were barefoot, having taken off their shoes after church. Aunt May was worried the shoes would get ruined. They rolled up their pants and then turned around while Liz took off her shoes and stockings. They waded carefully through the small rocks and pebbles that mark the waterline until they got to the smooth sand. They stood for a moment, getting used to the water which had been warmed by the sun. They could feel the fairy shrimp and mummichugs tickling at their ankles. Far off on the horizon Ben fancied he could see Plymouth across the bay. He didn't say anything, though, or John would likely treat him the way he'd been treating Eddie. He didn't want to get into a fight in front of Liz and he sure didn't want Uncle John to know they'd been fighting. Uncle John let them get away with a lot more than Father would, but even he wouldn't let them get away with fighting. They'd only been on the Cape for two days; no use courting trouble so soon.

Liz laughed and pointed down. "Look!" Sure enough there were thousands of crabs heading towards shore.

"Damnation, look at all of them!"

"John," hissed Ben. "Watch your language." He jerked his head towards Liz, who was so busy looking at the crabs that she hadn't heard John swearing. John just rolled his eyes.

"Ben, do ya think we can catch enough to eat?" Eddie had bent down and picked one up.

Ben looked at the crab. It was tiny, only half the size of Eddie's hand.

"Don't be stupid." John knocked the crab out of his brother's hand. "You couldn't get any meat from them."

"Who you callin' stupid?" Eddie balled up his fists and advanced on his much larger brother.

"You, stupid." John easily pushed Eddie down into the shallow water.

"Cut it out, you two. C'mon, let's keep looking." Ben helped his younger brother up and then walked over to Liz. The crabs nearest to him buried themselves in the sand as he walked, only to re-emerge as he walked on.

"What kind of crabs are these?"

Liz shrugged. "I don't know what they're called. All I know is great-Aunt Mary is terrified of them." Liz bent down, the tips of her long auburn braids just touching the water. She stood up with two crabs in hand. "I don't know why, they aren't big enough to do more than pinch."

"I never saw a girl pick up a crab before. Mostly they just run and scream."

"That's silly. I like picking things up. How else do you really get to see things up close? My mother says my curiosity will land me into trouble some day and my father says I started asking questions the day I learned to talk. Oh, look!" She pointed to a small horseshoe crab making his way along the bottom.

Eddie dragged over a bucket. "Look how many I caught!" There were 15 or 20 of the small crabs crawling on the bottom. Liz started to giggle.

"Let's catch a bunch and put them in my great-aunt's flour bin. Then when she goes to bake, she'll see them crawling around. She'll scream!" All Ben's resolve to stay out of trouble disappeared as he bent down to help her. The four children soon had the bucket filled.

Liz looked at the haul. "We gotta drain the water out of the bucket. We don't want to ruin the flour."

Ben and John picked up the bucket and poured out the water while Liz and Eddie made sure none of the crabs escaped. Then the two oldest boys lugged the heavy bucket up the hill to the house. Liz went into the kitchen through the back door to make sure the coast was clear. When she found all the adults sitting in the parlor, she gestured for the boys to come in the house. They quickly set to work placing the crabs into the flour bin. The small creatures buried themselves as if they were in sand. Only a few remained on top. The children sneaked out of the kitchen and were headed towards the front yard when they heard Uncle John calling for them.

"Here we are, Uncle John!"

"Good lads. Did you have fun?" He smiled at their nods. "Thank Mrs. Stoddard. Mrs. Jones has already gone to start her evening meal." The three boys exchanged nervous looks; they hadn't counted on the Widow Jones starting to cook before they left. "Into the buggy with you then." They climbed up on the back and willed Uncle John to hurry. Just as he settled onto the buggy's seat and picked up the reins, they heard shrieks coming from the kitchen. "What the devil?" Uncle John jumped out and headed for the house.

Eddie looked at his brothers. "I don't think we left soon enough," he whispered. Aunt May turned around.

"Do you boys know what is going on?" Her normally cheerful face was stern. All three exchanged glances. No one wanted to answer; they were silenced by Uncle John's bellow. "You three, in here, now!"

A moment later, three shamefaced boys stood in front of a furious Uncle John and a very upset Widow Jones. Liz, her mother and Aunt May looked on. All three boys swallowed hard when they looked at their uncle's face. Normally bright brown eyes were almost black and his tanned face was red against the shaggy gray beard. He held out a crab covered with flour.

"Who did this?"

When no boy would look at him or answer him, Uncle John reached for his belt buckle. Eddie spoke, although so quietly Uncle John almost didn't hear him.

"We all did, sir." Uncle John's face went scarlet.

"Whose idea was it?" A little noise made Ben glance over to Liz. She was as white as the flour-caked crab. "Benjamin, you look to me, boy, when I speak. I asked whose idea was it to ruin good flour?"

Ben licked his lips nervously and glanced over at Liz again. "Mine, sir." His brothers looked at him in shock.

The ride home was quiet. None of the boys dared to speak and their uncle was too busy trying to rein in his anger to speak to them. He told them to wait in the barn when they were done taking care of the team and buggy. He'd come back to them. They spoke quietly when they were done.

"What's he going to do?"

"Wear us out, what do you think, dummy." John punched Eddie again.

"Cut that out unless you want to get it worse."

"You're the one gonna get it worse, Benji. Why'd ya tell him you thought of it when that stupid girl thought of it? He's gonna cream ya. She's nothin' but trouble."

"Shut up, John."

John punched Ben in the arm. "Ya gonna make me?" Ben started to advance on John, fists at the ready, when a stern voice stopped him dead in his tracks.

"You are in enough trouble, lads. I'd not be adding to the list if I were you."

All three boys spun around. Ben gulped when he saw his uncle. Normally his great-uncle was a fun loving man, ready to get into mischief with his nephews. They rarely saw him when he wasn't smiling and he almost never got angry. Even when Aunt May would scold them for some prank or another, he would just laugh and tell her that boys would be boys. Now, Ben thought, he looked like one of those Old Testament prophets that the minister kept preaching about. He had changed from his good clothes into work clothes and he loomed in the doorway of the small barn. His eyes were still dark with anger and his gray beard stood out from his florid face. He stood in front of Ben, towering over the boy. Ben for his part looked at his feet.

"You'll look to me, Benjamin, when I speak to you." Ben reluctantly dragged his eyes up.

"What were you thinking when you thought to put crabs in the flour?" Now, Ben was more nervous than before. He was a terrible liar and it hadn't been his idea to put the crabs in. He was afraid he'd be in more trouble if Uncle John found out he had lied.

"I don't know, sir." Ben could barely whisper he was so nervous.

"You don't know, sir." Uncle John repeated slowly. He turned to John. "What about you, John?"

John had been set with a cocky answer, but one look at his uncle changed his tune. He also whispered, "I don't know, sir."

"Edward?" Uncle John grunted when he got the same answer for a third time. "I don't think any of you boys were thinking. Of all the hare-brained, stupid pranks, I am beyond words!" His voice kept getting louder as he spoke. Ben tried to pay attention, but his mind drifted. He wondered why, if Uncle John were beyond words, he kept talking louder and louder. He thought how Uncle John was different than Father. When Father was angry, his voice got softer. Then he thought about the girl, Liz, and how grateful she looked when he said the crabs had been his idea. That was going to cost him dearly, he thought. Bad enough he had gone along with it, but John was right; he'd get it worse because he said it was his idea. He snapped to when he heard his uncle speak his name.

"Boy, I'm waiting."

Ben panicked. He hadn't been listening and he didn't know the question. How could he answer? He glanced at his brothers, who were just staring at him wide-eyed.

"The devil take you, boy, weren't you listening?" Uncle John's voice shook the rafters. Ben swallowed hard.

"No, sir," he whispered. His uncle's look did not bode well for him.

"John, you tell your brother the question."

John shot Ben a look of sympathy. "Uncle John wanted to know why you decided to ruin the flour."

Ben looked back to his uncle. "We didn't know it would ruin it, sir. We drained out the water…" He stopped talking when his uncle took a step closer.

"You didn't think all those crabs might make the flour not fit for use?" He threw up his hands in disgust. "Never mind, I'm done talking. You first." He pointed to John as he pulled off his belt.

When the boys talked later than evening, lying on their beds, Ben was convinced he had gotten the worst of their uncle's anger. After all, Uncle John had thought the whole thing was Ben's idea.

'Course ya got it worse. I don't know why ya lied for that dumb girl."

"She's not dumb, John, shut up."

"Aw, you like her. You shut up."

Eddie leaned over his bunk. "You both shut up or Uncle John will come in here again." Eddie put his head on his pillow, then leaned over again. "Do you think he'll tell Father?"

"I sure hope not." Getting one thrashing was bad enough; if Uncle John told Father, they'd catch it from him, too. Ben sighed and started to roll over on his back. He quickly changed his mind and lay on his stomach. He closed his eyes and pictured Liz. At least he spared her the punishment.

The next day found the three boys walking to the gristmill to buy more flour to replace what had been ruined. They had to bring it to the Widow Jones' house and apologize for their prank. If, Uncle John warned, he heard that their apology was not sincere or that they had been in the least bit disrespectful, he would be more angry than he had been yesterday. They could spend the next week tending the lighthouses to make up for the cost of the flour and they were restricted to the yard 'til he decided otherwise.

Ben had to bite his tongue while he listened to the Widow's tirade. He kept glancing at John and Eddie. His two brothers had notoriously bad tempers – if Ben were being honest, he would say that a bad temper was a Cartwright trait that he shared – and he was afraid that one or the other would say something wrong. He didn't want to imagine Uncle John more angry than he had been yesterday. When she finished, they all said "yes, ma'am" and "we're very sorry, ma'am." John, being the oldest, got to pass along their uncle's message to the widow. "Uncle John has thrashed us all, ma'am, but he gives you permission to take a switch to us, too."

She harrumphed at that last. "I should birch the lot of you. In my day, boys who misbehaved were whipped with a birch rod. But, you say, your uncle has taken care of that. Well, I may trust that it was done right."

Judging by the way his tail still felt like it was on fire, Ben had to say his uncle had done it right. Once again he vowed to be a more forgiving parent than his father and great-uncle. He'd never punish his children that way.

Two days later, Uncle John had gone to town and the boys were hauling whale oil to the towers. The day was the hottest day of the summer and the boys' tempers were just as hot. Eddie had filled his bucket too high and was having trouble carrying it; he couldn't see where he was going and tripped on a rock in the path. His bucket fell forward and the oil sloshed all over John, who was just in front.

"Damnation!" John spun around, dropped his bucket and threw himself on Eddie. Eddie fell backwards, knocking Ben's bucket out of his hand. Before they knew what had happened, the three boys were rolling around in spilled whale oil, punching and slapping each other.

Sharp pain brought them to their senses. They stopped rolling and looked up to see Aunt May standing in the sunlight above them, a switch in one hand. "Get up, the three of you. I have not seen such behavior from boys since your father was your age. Get up!" They scrambled to their feet and looked at the ground. "I should tell your uncle." Three sets of eyes jumped to her face. "But I won't, this time. You two," she pointed to John and Eddie, "fill up the buckets and get back to work. Benjamin, I wish to speak with you." Deserted by his two brothers, Ben looked at his great-aunt. He was shocked to realize that she wasn't much taller than him anymore. She didn't look angry, but he couldn't tell what she wanted.

She smiled as she looked at him. "Ben, I saw Liz Stoddard yesterday. She told me what really happened with the crabs. While I'm still cross with you for going along with the scheme, I'm proud of you for taking her punishment. Now, then, your uncle has a hankering for chowdah; go get me some clams like a good boy." She laughed at his face. "What is it, boy? I've just let you off chores for the afternoon and you look like your best friend just died."

"Aunt May, are you going to tell Uncle John that I lied to him?"

"I don't see the need. Besides, I think he would be as proud as I am. Go on, boy, before I change my mind."

Ben didn't have to be told a third time. He hurried towards the bay side, bucket in hand. He didn't often have time to himself, and he enjoyed the quiet. When he had filled his bucket, he sat gingerly on the beach and laid back. He closed his eyes and listened to the rolling of the waves. That sound had always been a part of his life and he reckoned it always would be. Father had read some stories about the west that had appeared in the newspaper, but Ben couldn't imagine living away from the ocean. How could anything be as beautiful? He had just started to doze when he sensed a shadow across his face. He opened his eyes and sat up.

Liz was standing by him. "Hello, Ben." She sat next to him.

"Hello, Liz." He didn't look at her, but looked out to the bay.

"I wanted to thank you for the other day, for taking my punishment, I mean. Your uncle looked so angry, I can only imagine what he did." Ben shrugged. "I feel kind of bad that I didn't speak up, but I had just gotten into trouble that morning and Mother had threatened to take her brush to me if I got into trouble again."

"You told my aunt the truth. I appreciate that." He laughed. "In fact, that's the reason I'm here. She must have felt bad, so she told me to go clamming."

"What were you thinking about just now?"

"The ocean. I don't think I could imagine living anywhere but by the ocean, could you?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. Sometimes, though, I wonder what the west is like. Mother and I have been reading about the Corps of Discovery. Some of what they found sounds so thrilling. I wonder what it must be like to go to a place that no one has ever seen before, to create new towns and cities in the wilderness. One of my mother's ancestors was on the Mayflower, you know. I think about what the Pilgrims went through and I think it would be exciting."

They sat a while in companionable silence. Suddenly Ben jumped up. "The tide's coming in. I'd best get home or Aunt May will have my tail! I'll see you later, Liz."

A month passed. Uncle John had relented and let them out of the yard a week after their punishment. The boys spent their time playing in the water, exploring the dunes, clamming. They tried hard to stay out of mischief. Sometimes Liz would accompany them on their escapades and even John started to admit she was all right for a girl. One evening after a particularly fine supper, Uncle John pushed back his chair.

"May, my love, you make the best fried clams and chowdah a man can eat."

"You can thank the boys. They found the clams." Uncle John smiled at his grandnephews.

"Lads, I've been very pleased with your behavior these last weeks. I'll not be telling your father about the bad business a month back." He almost laughed at their sighs of relief. "Because I've been so pleased, I've decided you deserve a little holiday tomorrow. We'll be going to Orleans for the day. Benji, I want you to run over to the Widow Jones' place to see if that little girl wants to join us. She might enjoy a treat."

Ben started to stand. "Now, sir?"

"Go on, lad, there's plenty of daylight. No tarrying, though. Come straight home. Tell her we'll pick her up at seven."

"Yes, sir."

Ben ran almost the whole way to the Widow Jones' house. He was disappointed to find that Liz was out walking with her mother, but her great-aunt thought she would be thrilled to go to Orleans. Ben took his time going home, hoping to bump into Mrs. Stoddard and Elizabeth, but that was not to be.

The boys hurried through their chores and breakfast the next morning. True to his word, Uncle John loaded them up on the buggy before 7. John looked smug to his brothers because he got to sit up front with their uncle but the look was quickly wiped off his face when Uncle John asked Liz if she wanted to sit up front.

"No thank you, Mr. Cartwright. I'll sit in back with Ben." She hastily added, "and Eddie."

The ride was made merry by Uncle John's stories of the different sights they were seeing along the route. Finally they pulled into the town of Orleans.

"Why is it called Orleans, Uncle John? Did the French settle here?"

"No, lad. No one knows why. Some say that the pretender to the French throne, the Duc of Orleans stayed here a while, some say it was named to slight the English after the Revolution, but no one knows for sure. Funny thing is, the town is only about 30 years old. It used to be part of Eastham. You'd think someone would know where it got the name." He pointed to some windmills. "Those are the salt works that I told you about, the ones the British kept trying to get. Go check them out, I think you'll find them interesting. I've some business to conduct over on the docks so I'll meet you here in an hour."

The children explored the salt works where the great ocean was reduced to salt. Salt was vital to the fishing industry, and so was important to Cape Cod. Liz was especially fascinated by the salt works. She had to learn why the windmills were needed, how they were used to pump water into shallow vaults to evaporate the water, how the salt was stored and how it would be used. Ben was interested, too, but he wouldn't let John know that for all the world. John would tease him for having the same interests as a girl, but Ben couldn't remember ever meeting a girl like Liz. Then again, he guessed he didn’t know too many girls his own age.

John for his part was fascinated by the boats. "I'm going to sail in one of those one day." Ben and Eddie just rolled their eyes. They had been listening to John talk about sailing for as long as they could remember.

"What about you, Ben, do you intend to go sailing?" Liz turned to him just as he shrugged.

"I suppose. I'd have to find a berth, though, one that Father would approve."

John snorted. "Father! I'm not going to wait for him. I'm going to run away if I have to." Liz looked shocked, but Ben and Eddie had heard it all before.

John soon realized he lost his audience and he headed off to be with some other boys his age. Ben couldn't see what they were doing, but knowing John, they were probably up to no good.

"Look, Uncle John's coming. Who's that he's got with him?" Ben shielded his eyes against the noon sun. All of a sudden, Liz took off towards the men just about the same time that John saw his uncle coming and headed towards his brothers.

"Papa, Papa!!" She threw herself into the stranger's arms. He just laughed and twirled her about. He put her down as the three boys approached.

"These are Joe's boys then?"

"Aye, Abel. The big one's John, named for me, then Ben, then Ed." Uncle John pointed to each boy as he named them. "Lads, let me introduce you to Captain Abel Stoddard." The Captain held out his hand to each of the boys in turn. Ben looked at the man. Shorter than Uncle John, his face was even more weather-beaten, if that were possible. His beard had just started to go gray, and he kept it neatly trimmed, not long like Uncle John's. He was dressed in a sailor's uniform, although he had his coat, with its captain's trim, draped over one arm.

"Well, lads, it's a pleasure to meet Joe Cartwright's boys." Ben almost laughed at the look on John's face. John hated being called boy, but Ben knew he was determined to ingratiate himself with the Captain.

"You know our father, sir?" Eddie was, as always, the polite one.

"Aye. He sailed with me once upon a time."

John looked surprised. "Our father, sir?" That didn't fit in with the Father who argued with John every time John mentioned going to sea.

"Is there another Joe Cartwright? Yes, lad, your father. He didn’t take to it much, though, did he John?" Uncle John laughed.

"Who were you talking to, John?" Uncle John looked down at the boy. "That looked like Frankie Reed's boy.

"Yeah, I mean, yes, sir, I think he said his name was Reed."

Uncle John scowled fiercely. "Stay away from him, John. The whole family's a lot of damned mooncussers."

Abel looked up sharply at that. "Is that starting up again? I'll have to let my fellow captains know."

Uncle John grunted, then draped an arm around his old friend's shoulder. "Well, Abel, let's get you home to surprise Jennie. Boys, I'm afraid we're cutting our visit to Orleans short. You can come with me tomorrow when I return Abel to The Wanderer.

Ben waited until Uncle John and Captain Stoddard had stopped talking before leaning forward.

"Uncle John?"

"What is it, Ben?"

"Sir, what's a mooncusser? You called that boy back there a mooncusser."

"I called his family a lot of damned mooncussers, you mean."

Ben smiled. "Yes, sir. I don't understand what that means."

Captain Stoddard turned to face the boys. "A mooncusser is a common thief and sometimes he's a murderer, lads. Mooncussers usually work in groups. On a moonless night, they will swing a lantern on shore. That confuses a ship, because the captain think it's another ship at harbor and he thinks the passage is safe. Usually the mooncusser is near a reef or shoals. When the captain sails to what he thinks is a safe harbor, he crashes on the rocks. The mooncussers plunder the wreck for whatever they can salvage. They're called mooncussers because they curse the moon when it's out. Like all vile things, they despise the light. " The Captain turned back to Uncle John. "I didn't think they operated out of Orleans, though. Chatham is where the real danger is."

"Ayuh, but there's always trash like Reed trying to make a quick profit. Trouble is, we can't catch him. Do ya know his family object to building the Three Sisters? Reckon they thought it would hurt the family business to have a lighthouse nearby." The two men picked up their reminiscing and the boys and Liz rode home in silence.

The next day John pleaded exhaustion when Uncle John asked who was going to go back to Orleans to return Captain Stoddard and his family to his ship. Ben and Eddie didn't quite believe him, but they decided they would enjoy the day without their oldest brother. It's not that they didn't love him dearly, they did. It's just that he sometimes bullied them and he never let them forget he was older than they were.

They came home shortly after lunch only to find Aunt May standing on the steps of the house, looking frantic. Uncle John jumped from the buggy almost before it stopped.

"May, what's wrong?"

"It's John."

"Is he ill?"

She shook her head and held out a piece of paper. Uncle John's frown deepened as he read what was written. He turned to his two grandnephews.

"Did you know about this?" Both boys looked at each other. "Your brother has run off to stow away on the Wanderer. Fool boy didn't pay attention when Abel said the ship was coming into port, not just leaving it. I'll ask you again, did you know about this? Benjamin? Edward?"

"No, sir. He didn't say anything to us."

"Well, he's there and I'll leave it to Abel. They've already sailed, they'll be in Boston tonight. He'll make sure the boy gets back to his father. God help the fool when Joseph gets his hands on him." Ben and Eddie just shook their heads. Father was going to kill John.

The two boys were playing on the beach below the lighthouse later that afternoon when they saw a dinghy rowing for shore. They raced up the hill to fetch their uncle, but he had seen the boat and was already heading down to the beach. Uncle John took one look and started to laugh. "Your brother apparently makes a bad stowaway. Here comes Abel with the boy in tow."

Sure enough, the boat came to shore and Captain Stoddard dragged a very miserable John to face his great uncle. "John, this boy has caused me a great deal of time and trouble and I've taken the liberty of giving him a sound thrashing. It's my right as captain."

"I'll not dispute you, Abel. I'm sorry for the trouble the boy caused. You may be sure his father will hear of it."

"I'll leave it to Joe, then. I've got to hurry now if I'm to make Boston tonight." He handed John to his uncle who just grabbed John's collar and gave him a shake.

"What were you thinking, you fool boy? Is this how you're going to convince your father you should be permitted to go to sea? I'd give you a thrashing myself if I didn't know that Abel already took care of it and that your father will give you another when he comes. Go on, boy, go to your room. I don't care to see you again today."

Try as they might, Eddie and Ben couldn't get John to talk about his experience stowing away. Their oldest brother was very quiet, wondering, no doubt how he could convince his great-uncle not to tell his father what he had done.

About a week later, Ben was in the yard when he heard several men talking. He peeked around the corner and saw his uncle surrounded by three other men. He flattened himself against the wall so he could listen to what they were saying.

"I'm sayin' that they'll be workin' tonight, John."

"Eliphalet, you say that every time we've a new moon."

"No, no, John. This time Eliphalet's right. I overheard them talking. They're going towards Orleans and they're going to lure a ship in."

"Damned mooncussers. You need to catch them in the act so the constable can arrest them. I can't go; I've got to tend the lights. Here's what you could do, though."

Ben listened to the men make their plans, then he hurried off to tell his brothers. John was excited. "We need to sneak out and follow the men. I want to see what mooncussers do."

Eddie looked worried. "Do ya think we should? If Uncle John catches us, he won't be happy."

"Oh, don't be such an old woman, Eddie."

Eddie looked at Ben, hurt. Usually Ben stuck up for him when he and John fought and it hurt that Ben was on John's side.

"Yeah, Eddie. If you're not gonna come, you gotta promise to not tell."

"I'll come."

The boys made their plans and sneaked out shortly after Uncle John checked on them in bed. They hurried to the spot where the mooncussers were supposed to be and hid themselves in the brush. The night was dark without a moon and they couldn't see much. All they heard was the crashing of the waves on the rocks below. Suddenly, Ben noticed a light. He got his brothers' attention and they waited.

The three men came to the top of bluff, right near the boys. One of the men started gently waving a lantern.

"Doesn't look like a ship at harbor to me," Eddie whispered. His brothers immediately hushed him and turned back to the lantern light. The mooncussers hadn't been there five minutes when another group of men burst into the clearing. Ben could see the town's constable leading the way. The mooncussers tried to flee but the men set upon them.

"You're under arrest," shouted the constable. The mooncussers were quickly tied up and the group started to head back. The boys stood to start their journey home. As they turned, they bumped into their very angry Uncle John.

The lecture he gave at home made the one he gave after the crab incident look like a little chat. He ranted, he shouted and just when they thought he was done, he started shouting again. Once again Ben was struck by how different Uncle John was from Father. Finally he stopped talking and he turned towards the fireplace. When he turned back to the boys, he crossed his arms and looked down.

"I'd thrash you, but I'm not sure what good it would do. It is obvious you boys have too much time on your hands. Idle hands are the devil's tools. Well then, you'll just have no time for idle hands. You boys will be spending the rest of your time with me tending the lights. We've three brothers for the Three Sisters."

The boys groaned. Tending the lights was hard, hard work. Each tower had fourteen Argand lamps, specially designed for lighthouses. Each day the lamps had to be cleaned, the wicks trimmed, the oil refilled and the silver reflectors polished. The oil in the lamps was whale oil, and it smelled rotten when it burned. To be truthful, it didn’t smell too good at any time. When they got done with the lamps, they would have to polish the brass pedestal that held the lamps. Then they'd have to check the wheels that turned the lamps. If they weren't oiled, they wouldn't roll right. If they didn't roll right, the lights wouldn't flash. Every day they would have to clean the windows on the inside and outside of the lantern room and keep watch while the lamps were burning, in case they ran low on oil and needed to be refilled. The oil itself was kept in a separate building some distance from the light and would have to be hauled up all the steps to the top of the tower. All in all, they knew their fun was done for the six weeks left of their visit.

The day before their father was set to arrive at the lighthouse, three exhausted boys sat around the table after supper.

"Well, lads, your father will be here tomorrow." Ben and Eddie glanced over to John, who licked his lips nervously.

"Um, Uncle John?"

"You're wondering if I need to tell your father about the mooncussers. Is that right, boys?" Three heads nodded as one. "Do you think he won't figure out for himself that you've had a bit of trouble?" They shifted nervously in their seats. "Lads, your punishment was set to last until the day you leave. Your father will be here three days. I'll ask you again, do you think he won't figure out for himself that you've had a bit of trouble?" His eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Or were you hoping I'd excuse you these last three days?" Three sets of eyes dropped to the table. The old man smiled. It wouldn't hurt to make them sweat a little more.

************************

"Ya mean your uncle didn't tell your father?"

"That's exactly what I mean, Joe. He let us off lighthouse chores for the last three days of our visit. Father never suspected anything."

Now Annie leaned forward. "What about Uncle John stowing away?"

"John wasn't so lucky. That was too big a secret to keep and my Uncle John knew that if he didn't tell our father, Father would hear it from someone else."

"What did Grandfather Cartwright do to Uncle John?"

"They went for a very, very long walk that day. John never said what they discussed, but when they came back, John couldn't sit still at the table. Not quite two years later my father gave permission for him to sail with Captain Stoddard." Ben looked to the sky. "It's getting late, time for chores."

"Pa?"

"Yes, Hoss."

"Will you tell us more after supper?"

"If you want to hear it, I will."

*******************

"Hop Sing, another fine meal!" Ben stood up from the table after he finished his coffee and dessert. He stretched, and then sat by the sofa. His children quickly surrounded him. Adam and Hoss sat on the chairs, Annie curled up on the couch next to her uncle and Joe sat Indian-style on the table. Ben frowned at his youngest son who quickly scooted onto the floor. All four sets of eyes turned towards him.

"Uncle Ben? Why did you stop sailing?"

Ben smiled. "I fell in love."

"Aunt Elizabeth made you give up the sea?"

Ben shook his head as he looked at Adam's face, so much like Liz's. "I didn't give up something so much as I gained the world."

********************

The boy sat on the cliff overlooking the ocean. His knees were pulled up to his chest, his arms wrapped around them. His gaze was focused somewhere on the horizon. All in all, he was the picture of sadness. The lonely cry of a single tern did nothing to lift his mood. Ben sighed deeply and rested his head on his knees. He mustn't cry. He was 13 years old, almost a man, and men don't cry. Except, he thought, he had seen his father cry, that night before he had sent Ben and Eddie away with Uncle John. Everyone had thought Ben was too young to understand what was going on, but he had heard the midwife and the doctor conferring in worried tones. His mother had lost the baby she had been carrying and now they were afraid she would die. He couldn't talk to John, he had stayed in Plymouth to help Father and to get ready to join Captain Stoddard's ship. He couldn't tell Eddie, Eddie was too young to understand, and he couldn't talk to Uncle John because Ben wasn't supposed to have heard what was going on in the first place. He almost gave into the tears when he heard a branch snap behind him. His head jerked up and he looked around.

"Hello, Ben." Liz Stoddard sat next to him, taking care to tuck her dress around her legs as she, too, drew her knees to her chest. "Your Aunt May said you'd be here."

"I wanted to be alone, Liz." He didn't mean for it to sound so cruel, but he really didn't want to talk with anyone.

"Your aunt thinks you've been alone too much. She thought you could use some company. I'm sorry your mother's sick, Ben. Do you want to tell me about it?"

He started to say he wanted to be left alone but realized he really did want to talk. So he poured out everything he had been holding inside, how he overheard the midwife and doctor talking, how he was sad about the baby, how he was afraid his mother was going to die. "And I can't tell anyone about it because I wasn't supposed to know in the first place. I didn't even know about the baby."

Liz sat quietly while Ben told his story. When he finished, he looked out at the horizon again. She reached over to touch his hand, to get his attention. "Ben, I think you need to talk to your aunt. I can't tell you how your mother's doing or what's going to happen because I don't know."

"I can't tell her. I was eavesdropping."

"She's not going to punish you for eavesdropping. She's worried about you right now. You know, my mother always tells me that if you have a problem and you keep it inside you, the problem grows and grows until you think you're going to bust. But a problem is like any burden. If you share it with someone, you make it lighter, easier to bear." Liz stood up and held out her hand. "C'mon, I'll stay with you if you want."

Ben took her hand and stood up. He didn't relinquish her hand until they reached his aunt's house.

Liz didn't stay for the discussion with Aunt May, but Ben saw a lot of her that summer. She was fun, and the perfect distraction for a boy worried about his family.

The youth stood below the bedroom window. Glancing about nervously, he threw the small pebbles he had been holding in his hand. They clattered softly against the window. He shifted from foot to foot, listening for any noise that would arouse suspicion. After a moment, the window opened and a girl leaned out.

"Lizzie?" The young man's whisper sounded loud against the night's stillness.

"Shhh. You'll wake Papa or Mother." Liz opened the window wider and lifted first one leg then the other over the sash. Feeling about with her foot, she found the rose trellis and quickly climbed down to the ground. The speed at which she moved suggested years of experience.

"Lizzie, I don't think we should be doing this. Your father will kill me if he catches us."

She grabbed his hand and starting pulling him along. "Ben, don't be silly, he won't catch us. Besides, we're just going to see a meteor shower. I know it's going to be beautiful." She could sense he was still reluctant. "You spend too much time worrying about what my father says or does."

"Liz, I'm fifteen years old and I'm a cabin boy on his ship. I sleep at the foot of his bed. He can give me the worst chores on ship, and he usually does if he's angry enough with me. You don't understand, I have to do everything he tells me to do." Ben didn't add that Captain Stoddard also had a heavy hand. He didn't want her to think that he wouldn't take a licking to be with her.

Liz glared at him. He could see her scornful look by the light of the street lamp. "Well, I'm going to Copp's Hill Burying Ground to see this meteor shower whether or not you come with me." She flounced away. Ben looked after her in disgust. Well, he couldn't let her go wandering the streets of Boston alone, could he? He chased after her.

"All right. I'll just hope the old man doesn't find out." He grabbed Liz's hand and they hurried up the hill.

Ben opened the gate slowly. It was old and it could make the devil of a squeak if he wasn’t careful. He certainly didn't want to wake the neighborhood.

"There are Stoddards buried here, you know."

Ben shook his head. "No, I didn't know. I remember you telling me your mother's family descended from someone on the Mayflower."

"When did I tell you that?"

"A couple of years ago. We were talking about people who wanted to move west and you thought it would be exciting to be part of a new land."

"And you remember that? You're funny, Ben Cartwright." Liz looked up and pointed. "Look there's one. Remember, they come from the direction of Perseus." She stepped closer to Ben.

"Perseus is over there." He pointed up.

She giggled at him.

"What?"

"Ben, who taught you the stars?"

He grinned self-consciously. "Your father did."

"Don't you think he might have taught me as well?" She stepped even closer, so that her back was lightly touching him. He thought he would faint, her touch made him feel so light-headed. He put his arm around her. "My father gave me an exciting book about the Corps of Discovery. You might like it, would you like to borrow it? Oooo, look at that one." She half-turned in his arms to follow the sight of a meteor across the sky. Ben caught his breath as she looked up at him. Without thinking, he bent down and kissed her shyly. She stiffened at first, then relaxed and wrapped her arms around him. The kiss set a fire in him that seemed to spread from the tips of his fingers to the tips of his toes. Suddenly, the world went spinning as he was yanked from her arms and it felt like his tail was exploding. Everything stopped spinning and he was face-to-face with Captain Stoddard. The Captain was furious and Ben took a step back from his master. He glanced nervously at the belt now hanging limply at the captain's side.

"Boy, we have an early tide tomorrow. I'll feed you to the sharks if you're late. Elizabeth, you are going home, now." He grabbed her arm and started dragging her away.

"Papa, we weren't…"

"Girl, I've never taken this belt to you in thirteen years, but if you argue with me now, you will regret it."

Ben watched them leave. He started to sit down, but thought better of it. He walked through the cemetery to the edge. Leaning against the fence, he looked over the harbor. He rubbed his backside. Well, he'd had worse from the Captain in the seven months since he had become cabin boy. Ben thought back to the kiss. He frowned. He knew better than to behave like that. Certainly he'd be in for it if his father ever found out. Glancing up, he saw another meteor. When did Liz Stoddard get to be so pretty? He smiled; he'd take a hundred thrashings for another kiss from her. He heard the church towers chime – one o'clock in the morning! Somehow he knew his master wasn't joking when he said he'd feed Ben to the sharks if he were late in the morning. Ben turned to hurry home when he suddenly realized he'd be gone for a year and he hadn't had the chance to say good-bye to Liz.

The young man stood ramrod straight by the rail of the Wanderer, his brother standing next to him.

"We'll be home soon, Ben." John rested his hand on his brother's shoulder, though whether giving his brother strength or taking it, neither was sure.

Home. The word was hollow, without meaning. Ben had been looking forward to this homecoming until word had reached them a couple of months ago that their parents had died in a cholera epidemic that had hit parts of Boston. Captain Stoddard had brought them into his cabin and had broken the news as gently as he could, but both young men had been devastated. He had assured them that Mrs. Stoddard had taken Eddie into her house, so they needn't worry about him, but both brothers had felt for their younger brother suddenly left alone in the world. At least they had each other to share their pain.

Ben leaned over the rail now. He thought back to the beginning of their voyage. The Captain had been very angry with Ben over the stolen kiss, and Ben had had to endure a dressing down such as he had never heard, even from his own father. Ben knew the Captain was right, though. He should never have allowed himself to be alone with Liz. But he couldn't stop thinking about her and halfway through the voyage, he had asked the Captain for permission to court her. He smiled a little as he thought back to that scene. He had been so nervous…

Ben wiped his sweaty hands on his pant legs before approaching the Captain. He had just cleared his master's lunch from the table in the Captain's quarters and now the Captain was studying the charts.

"Sir?" Ben waited patiently.

The Captain looked up, scowling. "What is it, boy?" Ben winced at that. He certainly didn't want the Captain to think of him as a boy. He took a deep breath.

"Sir, I would like your permission to call on Elizabeth when we return to port."

If Ben hadn't been so nervous he would have noticed the Captain's slight smile. "Elizabeth who, boy?"

Ben was confused. "Your daughter, sir. You see, I've known her for a long time and I enjoy her company. I hoped…"

"You see her whenever we're in port, boy. You've seen her at the Cape every summer since she was nine."

"Yes, sir." Ben blushed and he took another deep breath. "I mean I'd like permission to court her, sir."

"You plan to marry her, boy?"

Ben swallowed hard. "Sir, I'm just sixteen…"

"Blast it, I know how old you are! I know how old she is, too."

"Yes, sir, I know you do, sir. What I meant is that I'm too young to get married. I just would like to call on her, that's all."

"You're not too young to sneak her off to the Burial Ground for kissing, though, are you, boy?" Ben flushed a deep scarlet. The Captain finally relented. He smiled at Ben. "Yes, Benjamin, you may have my permission to pay court to Elizabeth. I can trust you to be honorable and we'll have no more misunderstandings, I'm sure. But, young man, she's too young to speak of marriage. If I hear it from either of you before she is seventeen, well then, I will withdraw my permission. Now take the dishes back to Cook before he flays you."

Ben grabbed the tray and quickly caught the mug before it fell. "Yes, sir, thank you sir!"

The letter about his parents had come three months later. Now he and John were arriving in a home port that had no home.

Mrs. Stoddard, Liz and Eddie were waiting for them on the dock. The homecoming was strained; no one seemed to know what to say or do. They rode home in silence. Finally, after an hour of oppressive silence at home, the Captain had practically ordered the boys to go visit their parents' graves. Eddie had been to the cemetery several times and he led his brothers to the spot where their parents lay. Ben knelt and said a silent prayer. When he stood, he put his arm around his younger brother; Eddie immediately buried his head in Ben's shoulder and started to weep. John stepped up and wrapped his arms around both his brothers and the three cried for their parents and for the childhood they had left behind.

Ben wandered around the city for the next few days. One day he climbed Bunker Hill and thought about the battle fought there. His grandfather had fought in it, but that was all he knew about that bit of family history. He wished he had asked his father more questions. It was too late now. Another day he wandered down by Quincy Market. The sound of the fishmongers brought back memories of his mother. The family had moved to Boston in the autumn after his mother had had her miscarriage. Joseph was able to get a better job in a chandlery, so he packed everything up and the family moved to the North End of Boston. One day his mother had asked Ben to go buy some fish for her at the Market. He had replied that he was too big for a boy's chore, and that she should send Eddie. She had reached up and boxed his ears but good. Then she had told him that he would always be her boy, and if he were smart, he would go get the fish before his father got home. He remembered being so angry that she had called him "her boy" and now, he thought, he would give the world to hear her say that again. The third day found him sitting by the fence at the Copp's Hill Burial Ground, once again overlooking the harbor, thinking about the night he had kissed Liz.

"I thought I'd find you here, Ben." He started, then turned about. Liz stood beside him as if called by his thoughts. "I've been worried about you. You haven't said much these last few days."

He gave her a half smile as she sat beside him. "Too busy thinking, I suppose."

"Brooding, you mean."

He just stared at her. "I'm entitled to, don't you think?"

"Honestly? No, I do not. Mourn them, of course. But brood over them? I knew your parents, Ben Cartwright. They wouldn't want that."

"I didn't say a proper good-bye, Liz. That last morning, I was so anxious that my father not find out what had happened the night before. You know, when we…"

"When you kissed me and my father caught us."

Ben nodded. "My father would have been furious. I knew better than to be alone with you, but I ignored everything I had been taught. Anyway, I knew if I tried to sit for breakfast, my father would want to know why I couldn't sit properly. So, I just gave my mother a quick kiss, shook my father's hand and headed out the door. I didn't say a proper good-bye."

Liz gave him an angry look. "What would have been a proper good-bye, Ben? You didn't know they were going to die. For all they knew, your ship could have gone down and they could have lost you and John. Trust me, it was on their minds, just as it's always on my mother's mind and my mind when Papa leaves port. But they didn't make a fuss because they knew you can't live your life with 'what ifs.' They had to trust God's plan, for better or for worse. Ben, you're brooding. Right now you're living your life with 'what ifs.' You can't live in the past; you can't change what's happened. You can only look to the future and resolve to improve."

Ben stopped looking at her and gazed over the Harbor for a long while. "My mother used to say something like that too. What's done is done, she would say. You can't change the past. How come you know that and I don't?"

"I've learned it from a lifetime of watching my mother watch my father sail away while she wondered if he would ever return."

He turned to face her. "Thanks, Liz." Suddenly he scrambled to his feet. "Your father. If he catches us here…"

"He knows we're here, Ben. He's the one who sent me looking for you. But we should go home soon." Ben held out a hand to help her stand. Touching her hand sent a chill up his spine. Letting go, he held out his arm. She looped her arm through and they headed towards home.

"I overheard my father tell my mother that you wanted permission to call on me. Is that true?"

Ben nodded shyly. "Yes, I did. I'm surprised you didn't hear my knees quaking all the way in Boston."

She giggled. "Why are you so afraid of my father?"

Ben shrugged. How could he explain to her that he wanted Abel's respect and approval almost as much as he had wanted his own father's respect and approval? She tightened her grip on his arm, and he knew that she already understood.

That night, the two sat in the parlor. The door was open and they sat on chairs facing each other. Ben missed the easy days when she had played with him and his brothers on the Cape. "I bought you a present in Amsterdam."

She took the proffered package and opened it. "Oh, Ben! I don't think I've ever seen such a beautiful box."

"If you open it, it plays music. You wind it here." He took it from her and showed her the key. "See?"

"Ben, look at the angels. Aren't they lovely? I'll treasure it always."

The man knocked on the door of the little gray cottage. This would be the first time he had seen Liz since they had received word that her mother had died. Liz had gone to live with her great-aunt Mary in Eastham, so he and Abel had gone to the Cape as soon as they made port in Boston. Abel had requested that Ben leave him alone with Liz for a few days, but now Abel had to go to Boston on ship's business. Before he left, he had stopped to see Ben at Uncle John's house. Abel was worried about Liz, she wasn't dealing well with her mother's death and he asked Ben to check on her. Ben was shocked by her appearance when she finally opened the door. She was pale and drawn, and her eyes were red with constant weeping.

"Lizzie, I'm so sorry about your mother. She was a wonderful woman."

She stepped aside to allow him to enter the house. "You decided to come."

He was startled that she didn't even acknowledge his condolence. "You and your father deserved time together."

She shrugged. "I suppose. He's gone now."

"I know. He had to go to Boston on ship's business."

"He told me you've been promoted to first mate. Congratulations." Her tone was flat and he looked at her curiously.

"Yes, well, it would be more exciting if I was promoted for a reason other than we'll have a completely new crew except for me, but I'm looking forward to the challenge. Liz, would you like to sit in the parlor?"

"Aren't you comfortable here in the hallway?"

"Lizzie, are you all right?"

"My mother's dead, Ben. Why would I be all right?"

He reached out to touch her, but she jerked away as if his touch hurt. "Liz, now you're the one brooding. Don't you remember what you told me when my parents died? You told me I couldn't dwell in the past, that I needed to accept God's plan and look to the future."

"This is totally different, Ben Cartwright and you know it!" Ben was taken aback by the ferocity of her tone.

"Lizzie, how is it different?" He tried to calm her down by talking in a soothing tone, but for some reason, that only seemed to upset her more.

"You had your brothers. I'm alone, Ben. I'm all alone."

"You're not alone, Liz. You have your father."

She gave him a look of disgust. "My father is gone most of the year."

"You have me."

"You're with him, and when you're not, you're so cowed by him that you don't even dare tell him you want to marry me."

Ben felt as though she had punched him in the stomach. "Is that what you think of me, truly? Liz, he's told me many times that if I ever speak about marriage before you're seventeen, he'll not let me see you again. Is that what you want?" Ben could feel his own temper rising to match hers. "By God, Elizabeth Stoddard! You know that I love you and I have since the day we put those crabs in your aunt's flour! Do you think I want to wait? Do you think I haven't spent years thinking about how I'll ask your father for your hand on the day you turn seventeen? Is that what you really think of me?" Ben's voice rose with his temper. "What you see as being cowed is respect. I respect your father, Elizabeth. I respect him because he's my captain, and I think he's a fine one. I respect him because he's been kind to my brothers and me. Most of all, I respect him because he is the father of the girl I thought I wanted to marry!" Ben spun on his heel and walked out the door, taking care to slam it as he went.

Ben wandered for over an hour. Finally, his anger spent by walking, he found himself near his uncle's house. He rested by the side of the barn.

"Ben? Is that you?" Aunt May hurried out from the kitchen door. "Where have you been, boy? Liz came over; she wants to see you. I've been worried about you."

All of Ben's anger and hurt rose out of him and he turned on his aunt. "I am not a boy! I am a man and I don't give a damn if Elizabeth Stoddard wants to see me!"

Before he knew what was happening, a strong grip grabbed him from behind and shoved him against the barn wall. Ben looked up and saw the angry face of his great-uncle looking at him. After Ben's father had died, Uncle John had suffered a stroke that had weakened his left arm and leg. Obviously, thought Ben, his right arm was as strong as ever. An odd image of his great-uncle as a prophet of old flashed through his mind and for a second he was an eleven-year-old boy again. He struggled to get away, but his uncle's arm over his chest pinned him to the wall. He had never seen his uncle this angry. Uncle John's face was inches away from Ben's.

"I don't care how old you are, Benjamin Cartwright, you will never be old enough to speak to your aunt like that. If I ever hear you speak like that again, I'll give you a thrashing such as you've never had. I don't care if you're fifty! Do you understand me?"

Ben was shocked, whether by his outburst or his uncle's reaction or both, he did not know. He started nodding. "Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir." He looked over his great-uncle's shoulder to see his aunt staring at the scene before her. "I'm sorry, Aunt May. I should never have spoken to you like that."

His great-uncle relaxed his grip and Aunt May rested her hand on Ben's arm. "Ben, I don't know why you and Liz quarreled, but she's in the parlor. Go to her, Ben. She's hurt and confused and she doesn't know what to do. Remember, Ben, with true love there is always forgiveness."

Ben put his hands on her shoulders and bent down to kiss her. "Dear Aunt May, what would I ever do without you?" He turned to his uncle. "I truly am sorry, Uncle John."

"Go see that girl, Benjamin. Make it up to her."

Ben strode across the yard and into the house. He stopped in the parlor doorway and looked at Liz. Every time I see her, he thought, she takes my breath away. Her back was to him, but she turned as he walked into the room. She ran into his arms.

"Ben, Ben, I'm sorry. I don't know what made me say those things. I didn't mean them, I truly didn't. Please say you forgive me."

"Lizzie, I'm the one who should be asking for forgiveness. You've always been so patient with me when I was troubled and the one time you need me, I get angry and storm off." He caressed her face. She truly had the most beautiful blue eyes. "You are beautiful, Elizabeth Stoddard." His hand moved to the silk of her hair and followed the nape to the pins holding the hair up. He pulled them out and her auburn hair cascaded over her shoulders. He buried his face in her hair and wrapped his arms around her. After a moment, he lifted his head again to look into her eyes. "I love you, Liz." He lowered his face to hers and kissed her, tenderly at first, then with a deepening passion.

The sound of a throat being cleared broke the two apart. Ben looked about and saw his great-uncle standing in the doorway, an amused look on his face.

"Benjamin, I think it's time the two of you sat down." In case they had missed his meaning, he added. "On different chairs."

The housekeeper showed Ben to the Captain's study. He raised his hand to knock at the door, then hesitated. He was surprised to see his hand was shaking. C'mon, Cartwright, get a grip on yourself. You've had three years to prepare for this. He took a deep breath, summoned his courage and knocked.

"Come in!" The Captain's gruff voice, though muffled by the closed door, was loud. Ben opened the door. "Benjamin, what a surprise. I didn't expect you until supper."

Ben ran his fingers through his hair. "Yes, sir, Captain. Sir, I needed to see you."

Abel coughed to hide his smile as he sat back down behind his desk. Indeed, the only surprise about Ben's visit was that Ben had managed to wait until nine o'clock in the morning to come calling. He had half expected the earnest young man to rouse him from his bed.

"Captain, you see…I, um, I have a lot of money saved. No, what I mean to say is I'm a hard worker, you know that. I, um, you've known me for a long time…"

"Ben, are you asking me for a job? I've already given you one."

Ben shifted uncomfortably. "A job? No, sir, I'm not asking you for anything. Well, I mean, I am but not…"

Abel stood. "The answer is yes."

"But sir, I haven't asked the question yet."

"I know, and frankly I hope you do a better job asking Liz than you've done asking me. Sit down, son. You don't need to be afraid of me." Abel settled back into his chair.

Ben exhaled sharply and smiled. "I haven't been afraid of you for a while now, Captain." He sat on the chair and relaxed slightly.

"Yes, and don't think I haven't noticed that. Ben, I've been expecting your visit since the moment I awoke this morning. I told you those years ago that I wouldn't hear you speak of marriage until Liz was seventeen. I've known for sometime you were merely biding your time until her birthday. I must say, you've shown admirable restraint."

Ben grinned ruefully. "It hasn't been easy."

"So, Ben, take a breath and ask me what you need to ask, now that you know the answer."

"Captain Stoddard, I would like your permission to marry your daughter, if she'll have me."

"Oh, she'll have you, lad. No question of that. Yes, Ben, you have my permission to ask Liz. I would be proud to call you son."

"Thank you, sir." Ben started to rise from the chair.

"Not so fast, lad. We've some things to discuss, you and me." Ben sat down, back straight, all the tension returning to his body.

"Am I gaining a son as well as a first mate or do I have to lose the one to gain the other?"

Ben nodded. He had expected this question. "I do not intend to sail after I marry, sir. I've some money saved and I'm thinking of buying into a chandlery, if you're worried about how I'll support your daughter."

The older man waved impatiently. "If I ever knew a man who would do well in this world, Ben, it's you. I've every faith in your ability to support your family. But I am glad to hear that you plan to give up the sea."

Ben was surprised. He had expected the Captain to argue with him. After all, the Captain had sailed during his whole marriage.

"Ben, I'm going to tell you something I've never told anyone. When Liz's mother died, I was consumed by guilt. I felt as though I had abandoned her during our marriage. I was away more than I was home, and that's no way for a husband and father to be. I didn’t even get a chance to say good-bye."

Ben smiled. "A wise woman once told me not spend my life living in the 'what ifs.'"

"Your mother?"

"No, sir, your daughter."

"She's a gem."

Ben nodded his agreement.

"As I was saying, Ben, the sea's a harsh mistress and she doesn't like to share her men. I'm glad to see you know that. But, you save your money. As it happens, I am thinking of buying a chandlery myself. I'll buy it, you run it; we'll be partners. I'll need something for when these old bones are too tired to sail and I don't fancy running a lighthouse like your uncle."

"Captain, I couldn't accept your charity."

"Balderdash. Liz is my only child, Benjamin. What is mine will be hers, and yours, someday. Besides, I've heard you and Liz talk about the West. You'll need that money."

Ben raised an eyebrow at that. "You were eavesdropping!"

Abel shrugged. "Merely making sure that nothing improper was happening in my own parlor. Ben, you and Liz talk about nothing but the West. You're an ambitious man. You're exactly the kind of man the West needs."

Ben blushed at the compliment. After all these years, it was still hard to hear praise from his captain. "Thank you for your faith in me, sir. I'd be pleased and proud to run your chandlery."

"Ben, if I didn't have faith in you, I would have said no the minute you walked in this room. I may be very fond of you, but Liz is my daughter, my only child. Someday, I hope, you will understand what it is to be a father."

"That is my hope as well, sir. Now if you will excuse me, I have some things to do before supper this evening." The older man nodded and Ben stood to take his leave. He stopped at the door and turned around.

"Thank you, Captain. I won't disappoint you."

Ben was surprised at how calm he felt during supper. After he had stumbled during his talk with the Captain, he was sure he would be a wreck before speaking with Liz. But he managed to get through supper as though he had nothing unusual planned.

He realized that he probably shouldn't be surprised. Despite what he had said to the Captain earlier about no longer being afraid of him, Ben knew he was still somewhat intimidated. After all, Abel Stoddard was his captain, even if Ben was first mate. Add to that the fact that he thought of the Captain as a second father and the fact that the Captain held Ben's future happiness in his hands…It was a good thing Ben had been able to say anything during his interview with the Captain.

Liz was different. She was like his soul made flesh. She knew what he was going to say before he did. She knew his moods – when he was happy or broody, when he was angry or confused. She understood his inner demons and had stood by him as he battled them. That's not to say they didn't argue. Glory, but they had had some fights. He was too stubborn and she was too passionate – a combination sure to produce sparks. Making up, though, had proved so sweet that Ben thought the fights were almost worth it. He smiled slightly when he thought of how they could make up after they were married. If her kisses after a fight were any indication, well, he might just start fights. Ben shook himself from his thoughts. It wouldn't do for the Captain to know what he was thinking!

"Liz, my dear, I'll take care of clearing these dishes. You and Ben retire to the parlor. I'll be along presently." The Captain winked at Ben.

The Stoddards' parlor was filled with treasures from the Captain's travels around the world. Ben was familiar with all of the decorations, having spent a lot of his time on land these past three or four years sitting in this parlor with Liz. This time he didn't even notice the Chinese porcelains or the tables from Europe. He only had eyes for Liz.

Ben sat next to Liz on the sofa. "I haven't given you your birthday present yet." He handed her a paper tube.

She looked at the tube curiously. He almost laughed at the puzzled look on her face. Whatever she had been expecting, this wasn't it.

Liz opened the tube and drew out a rolled piece of parchment. Ben held his breath as she unrolled it. Her eyes flicked to his as she touched the ring dangling by ribbon from the top edge.

"Read it," he urged.

The map was one of the Corps of Discovery maps that had been published in recent years. Liz smiled as she traced a hand drawn red line that began in Boston and ended on the west coast. Ben had written a note on the map.

"Dearest Liz,

For years we have talked of the adventure of building a new land in the unknown wilderness. That unknown holds no fear for me as long as you are by my side. I give you this ring as a sign of my love and as a token of my heart, which I gave to you that first day when we put crabs in your aunt's flour. I am

Your loving Ben

Liz carefully untied the ribbon holding the ring. She admired it a moment and then slipped it over her finger. "This is a beautiful ring, Ben."

He lifted her hand to his lips and kissed the ring gently. "The ring is made more beautiful by your hand."

"Ben, I had no idea you were such a gallant!"

He shrugged. "I bought the emerald in the Orient and I had it set here in Boston."

"But you went to the Orient three years ago!"

He shrugged again. "I plan ahead." He hesitated. "You haven't given me your answer yet."

"I love you, Ben Cartwright. You are my past, my present and my future. Of course I will marry you."

Ben had kissed Liz before of course, but this kiss, and its promise of the future, was sweeter than any he had experienced. A clearing of a throat pulled them apart.

Abel Stoddard came into the room and sat on the chair by them.

"Papa, look!" Liz held out her hand.

"Your hand is lovely, m'dear."

"Papa!"

"I'm teasing, sweetheart. Congratulations to you both. But now I have to look for a first mate!" He pretended to frown, but no one was fooled.

Liz looked to Ben. "You didn't say anything about giving up the sea, Ben."

"I couldn't leave you, Liz, once we're married. I'm not giving up anything. I'm gaining the world…"

*******************

"Do ya miss not living by the ocean?"

"Sometimes I miss it terribly, Hoss."

"Papa never did understand how you could live so far away from the ocean. He hated being in Missouri, he said, and he loved Santa Barbara because he could go to the Pacific."

"Yes, I know he couldn't understand. He often wrote and said so." Ben took a deep breath and looked around. "But there are things in the Sierras that the ocean could never offer."

"So why did you leave, Pa?"

Ben looked around at his children. Annie and Joe were struggling to keep awake. Hoss looked a little less tired. Only Adam seemed to be wide-awake. Perhaps, thought Ben, that's as it should be. Adam should hear this part before anyone else.

"Annie, Joe, it's time for bed. Hoss, you're looking tired, too." Hoss immediately understood what his father was saying; he wanted to be alone with Adam. Bless him, thought Ben. What a treasure that boy is.

Annie jumped up with predictably righteous indignation. "What? That's not fair, Uncle Ben!" Annie quickly changed her tune when her uncle frowned and looked at her. "Good night, Uncle Ben."

When everyone else was in bed, Ben sat on the sofa. He looked at Adam, sitting quietly in the chair and he patted the spot next to him. "Sit with me, son." Adam was a reserved man, not given to showing his emotions, but he settled next to his father and didn't say a word when the older man draped his arm around Adam's shoulder. He seemed to know that both he and his father would need the comfort of that touch.

"Son, when your mother died, I was devastated. I loved her with a passion that threatened to rip me apart when she was gone. " He paused to collect his thoughts. "You don't remember New England at all, do you, son?" Adam shook his head. "No, I suppose you wouldn't, you were only just two when we left. We spent a few weeks on Cape Cod, saying good-bye to Uncle John and Aunt May, and I spent quite a bit of time saying good-bye to the ocean."

*********************************

The young man stared into the fireplace. Sometimes he wished the flames would consume him so he could be released from the nightmare that held him enthrall. He turned at the sound of the door opening.

"Lad, you've got to get out today. Brooding here isn't going to help."

"How can you stand to look at me?"

Abel Stoddard looked shocked at the question. "What do you mean, Ben, how can I stand to look at you?"

"I killed your daughter."

"Is that what you think? You think because you got her with child, you killed her?" The young man nodded. "Benjamin Cartwright, if we were on board ship, I'd have you over the barrel for such nonsense." Abel walked to the fireplace. "Son, since Lizzie was 9 years old, all I heard from her was 'Ben Cartwright this' and 'Ben Cartwright that.' Ben, she loved you with a passion that burned brighter than this fire. You were the world to her. Do you remember the day you snuck out with her and I caught you two kissing? I gave you such a thrashing, do you remember?" Abel saw a glimmer of a smile on Ben's lips. "What you don't know is that when I got her home, she started yelling at me for punishing you. I'd never seen her so disrespectful; I spanked her and she just kept on talking. She was willing to be punished in your defense." Abel bent over the cradle and picked up his only grandson. "I remember the day she told me she was expecting this lad. I remember the pride and love showing on her face, knowing that you and she had created a new life between you. Don't spoil that memory for me with your self-indulgent mourning." He held out one hand to stop Ben from turning away. "Look at this boy, Benjamin. Do you hate him? Do you blame him for his mother's death?"

Ben was stunned. Even in his deepest despair he had never blamed Adam. "Abel, he's my son. I could never hate him."

"And you are my son. You and your brothers, from the day you first stepped onto the Wanderer, Benjamin, even before you married my daughter. I could never hate you."

Ben sank into the chair and buried his face in his hands. "I can't face it anymore, Abel. Everywhere I turn, I expect to see her. There's not a place in this city that doesn't have memories of Liz. Oh, God, how can I live?"

Abel placed Adam back into his cradle and knelt in front of his son-in-law. "If you can't face Boston anymore, then you need to leave. For your sake, and the boy's. You need to go West, Ben, like you and Liz planned. Though it breaks my heart to say so, you need to go West. I'm too old to raise that boy, Ben. He can't lose you, too." He stood and left the room, quietly closing the door behind him. God, how he would miss them.

Ben came downstairs the next morning and sat at the breakfast table. "Abel, I've made up my mind. Adam and I will go West. You're right. I'll never heal completely if I'm here." The older man nodded. "I wish you'd consider coming with us, Abel."

"I'm 50 years old, Ben. Settling new lands is a young man's business. No, I cannot leave the ocean."

"You won't be leaving it, Abel, you'll just be looking at sunsets rather than sunrises." But the older man shook his head.

"Maybe, when Adam's older, he'll want to come back East to go to school. I'll be here waiting for him, Benjamin. Have you thought of when you'd like to leave?"

"Not soon. A trip like this will take planning and money. I think it would be easier if Adam were a little older, too. Plus, I'd like to spend some time at the Cape before I go."

Adam toddled over towards the stove. Ever a curious two-year-old, he reached toward the pan and was just about to grab it when his father grabbed him. Ben landed a swat on the boy's backside. "Adam, no!"

Uncle John tried to not smile. "Now, Ben, hitting the child is not the way to correct him…"

Ben raised an eyebrow. "Since when? I don't recall you feeling that way 10 years ago!"

Uncle John tried to look affronted. "I'm sure I never…"

Ben, holding Adam close, raised a hand and ticked off points with his fingers. "The time John and I shot your black-powder pistols. The time Eddie and I snuck out during that storm and you caught us when we climbed back in the window. The time we put live crabs in the Widow Jones' flour bin. The time we fought over the tortoise shell. No wait, that was Father. I'm sure I can think of more times that you felt differently about punishing misbehaving boys."

Uncle John held out his arms for Adam, who went willingly. "You're going to be a good boy, aren't you? You won't be the devil that your father and his brothers were, or your grandfather and his cousins were for that matter." The little boy giggled as he grabbed great tufts of Uncle John's beard. "Ben, do you realize this is the third generation of your family that I have cradled in my arms. Do you realize the joy it brings to this old man's heart?"

Ben sobered. "He's all I have of Elizabeth, Uncle John. Some people wonder how I could bear to see him, knowing that his birth meant her death? They just don't understand how much more precious he is to me knowing that he was the last gift I shall ever receive from her, knowing that with him, a part of her lives."

"You've an awesome responsibility, lad. Raising a child isn't easy when he has two parents, let alone one."

Ben stood and looked out the window towards the ocean. "You know, some of my fondest memories are of this place. I don't believe I've ever thanked you for giving me such a happy childhood. I know Father felt the same way about his time here."

Uncle John stood next to Ben. "Now it's your turn, lad, to make sure this boy has his own happy childhood. Don’t close your heart to love, Benjamin. Elizabeth would not want that."

Ben rubbed his face with his hands. "Abel has said the very same thing. I don't know, Uncle John. I truly don't know."

"I do, boy. When my first wife, Tom's mother, died, I thought I'd die too, but then May came along and brought me new life."

Ben looked out again. "I had forgotten," he said very softly.

"Ben, look at me, boy." Ben turned to his great-uncle. "Just because you learn to love again doesn't mean you love Elizabeth less. Love will find you when you least expect it."

Adam chose to let out a yell just then and John laughed, breaking the solemn mood. "But it'll never find you when your boy smells like this!" He handed his great-grandnephew to his grandnephew.

Ben spent much of the summer wandering his old haunts, sometimes with Adam, sometimes alone. Aunt May enjoyed Adam so much that she didn't mind if Ben left for the day. She understood what he was doing.

Ben sat on a rock near the little beach near Liz's great-aunt Mary's house. Aunt Mary had died a few years back and the house had been sold. Some of that money would finance Ben's trip west. He looked towards the beach and he saw children wading through the shallows. He got up and walked over to them.

"Are the crabs in?"

"Yes, sir, there are hundreds of them." A young boy, about nine, pointed excitedly to the water as he answered Ben's question. Sir, Ben thought. When did children start calling him sir?

"Do you live in yon house?" Ben pointed to Aunt Mary's house. When the children nodded, he smiled. "Some advice for you lads. You may think it would be funny to put the crabs in your mother's flour bin, but it's not. At least, the adults won't think it so."

One boy looked shocked, but Ben could see a glint of mischief in the eyes of the boy who had answered him. Ben gave a wave and headed home.

Another day, Ben brought Adam to Orleans. He showed him the salt works and found himself explaining how they worked. Don't be silly, Ben thought to himself, the boy doesn't understand what I'm saying. But Adam listened to every word with rapt attention. He acted so much like his mother that Ben looked twice.

He and Adam spent time exploring the beaches and coves he and his brothers had enjoyed as boys. He watched Adam splash in the waves and he thought about how much he loved his brothers. What would life have been like without them? He was glad he had them, and the wonderful times they had had as children. As Ben waded out to join Adam, he thought about what his great-uncle had said. If Ben did close his heart and never loved again, his son would pay the price as heavily as he himself. Adam would never know the joys and agonies of brothers. Was that fair to Adam? He could almost hear Liz telling him it was not.

The day before Ben and Adam were set to leave, Aunt May had a picnic on the beach. She and Ben sat on the blankets watching Uncle John play with Adam in the surf. Adam giggled in glee as his great-grand uncle lifted him in and out of the waves, taking care that the little head never went under water.

"How can you leave the ocean, Ben?"

"I'm not leaving the ocean exactly, Aunt May. I'm just changing one ocean for another. The Pacific is beautiful, too."

"I wish you'd consider staying with us." Ben smiled. He knew this was coming. She had hinted several times that she would love to help with Adam as she had helped with the boy's grandfather and father.

"I can't stay, Aunt May. Everywhere I look, I see Elizabeth. Abel's the one who helped me understand that I had to leave."

"You could stay and help John with the lighthouse. He's getting old, Ben, and he won't be able to do this much longer."

"Isn't Charlie coming home? He wrote me and told me he was going to leave the sea."

May rolled her eyes. "Ben, no matter how old you get, you will love your children, but you will never be blind to their faults. Charlie is a dear boy, but he's not very responsible. Even I know that. He's not you."

Ben snorted to think of his father's cousin as a boy. Charlie was 50 years old! He looked to where his great-uncle was playing with Adam. Will I still think of Adam as a boy when he's a man? He supposed he probably would. Suddenly he missed his own father, as he hadn't for a very long time. Would he still be his father's boy, his mother's boy? Would he be leaving Massachusetts if they had lived? Ben shook his head. He didn't want to dwell in the past; he had learned that he had to leave that behind. What's done is done and can't be changed as Mother used to say.

Uncle John plopped to the blanket next to his wife and held out Adam. "Take him, May. I'm exhausted." He leaned back and looked up at Ben. "So you'll be leaving here tomorrow. Your mind is made up, May hasn't been able to change it?"

"No, sir, she hasn't. I'm going to head west to Ohio, spend some time with John and then pick up a wagon train in St. Joe, I guess. I've got a letter I'm going to leave for Eddie. You'll see he gets it the next time he comes by?"

"I should charge you boys a fee for being a post office, I should."

"John! The very idea! Why, it's the only way these boys will come to visit, hoping to get a letter from a brother." May's smile told Ben she was teasing him too.

"Do you think you'll get on better with that shrew of a wife John took? Why he ever married Patience is beyond me." Ben looked at his aunt in surprise. He had never heard her criticize John's wife.

"He had to, May, we've been through that." Ben shrugged at his uncle's words. He had suspected as much. "Why her parents named her Patience is beyond me! Imagine giving up the sea for that woman! Still, not everyone could marry a jewel like Liz."

Ben realized with a shock that when his uncle said Liz's name, Ben didn't recoil. He must be a step closer to accepting her loss. Maybe he would find peace someday.

Ben was up early the next morning. Uncle John found him standing on the bluff, looking out at the ocean.

"Saying good-bye are you, lad?"

"Yes, sir. It's not as easy as I thought it would be."

"What's that in your hand?" Ben looked a little embarrassed. He held out a small jar filled with sand. "Taking a bit of the Cape with you, are you, boy?" Ben nodded.

"I suppose you think I'm silly." He smiled when his uncle shook his head. "She loved it here as much as I did."

"C'mon, we need to get back to the house. May'll have breakfast and you know how she is when we're late." The two men turned and Ben followed his uncle up the path for the last time.

****************************

Ben looked at Adam. He realized once again that he never did leave Liz in Massachusetts. She had come with him all those years and all those miles across country. We didn't go that ocean but we did get here, Liz. He noticed Adam's eyes glistening. "Are you all right, son?"

Adam nodded. "I just never understood, Pa, how hard it was for you."

"I got through it, thanks to you." Ben stood slowly. "Wait here." He wanted to give Adam a chance to compose himself. He knew his son was embarrassed to be caught in tears.

He went into his room and opened his big trunk. He rummaged around a bit and found what he was looking for. He sat down by Adam and held out his hand. Adam took the jar of sand and looked at it. He leaned against his father when Ben put his arm about Adam's shoulders again. Hop Sing found the two of them there, sleeping, the next morning when he got up to make breakfast.