Summertime

By Marion

Saturday, August 1, 18—

Dear Journal:

To all my many times great granddaughters that Adam says will be reading this, greetings. (I laugh every time I think someone might be reading this. My life is so boring that I cannot imagine anyone would stay awake past the first page. )

Summer is boring. Summer is hot. Summer is boring and hot.

I was so hot earlier today that I took off my blouse and had on only my sleeveless bodice. Well, of course I had my skirt on over my petticoat, and I thought I was decently attired. After all there was no one around to see me. Even Hop Sing wasn't here. When Uncle Ben rode up you would have thought I was on the main street of San Francisco, the way he reacted! Needless to say I am wearing my blouse again.

I do not think it fair that my cousins can remove their shirts while working and I cannot remove my blouse. This is yet another way in which boys are treated differently than girls on the Ponderosa. I have learned, however, to not overuse that argument, for it makes Uncle Ben angry.

Today I am lonely. Joe and Mitch have gone swimming with some of their friends and they made it abundantly clear that girls would not be welcome. Girls! As if there were more than one girl around here. Well, there is Peggy, but I have decided after the incident at the Orowitzs' that I am better off not considering her a friend.

I was staying a few days with the Orowitzs' while Uncle Ben and my cousins went camping. My cousins had been working hard and Uncle Ben felt they deserved a little vacation. As I did not wish to go camping, he asked Mr. Orowitz if I might stay with them and Mr. Orowitz agreed, happily. I do not think he would have been so quick to agree if he knew what was going to happen.

Mrs. Orowitz asked me to do a few chores every morning, then I was free to do as I pleased. On the second day I was with them, Peggy came to town with her uncle. She and I went to play hopscotch behind the livery. After a few minutes, she started looking around and when she saw we were quite alone, she pulled out a small bottle from her pocket.

"This is whiskey," she whispered. I think my mouth dropped opened in my surprise. "Do you want to try some?"

As a matter of fact, I did. I know Joe had, and I hated to think of him doing something that I did not. (Never mind that he had received a tanning when he was caught. I did not intend to be caught. After all, Uncle Ben was miles away.) I took a sip; I couldn't believe how it burned my throat, but I just coughed and said it was good. Peggy did the same and we each had a few more sips.

Then the real trouble began. I could feel a hand grab my shoulder and when I looked up I saw Sheriff Coffee pulling me up to stand. This wasn't going to be good. He knew I was staying at the store, so he dragged Peggy and me with him. Peggy's uncle was in the store when we got there and the sheriff explained how he found us. I could tell by the look on her uncle's face that Peggy was in dire trouble. I do not know why she persists in getting into trouble with him. Then again, who was I to talk? When Uncle Ben found out, he was going to kill me!

As it turns out, I did not need to wait for Uncle Ben. Mr. and Mrs. Orowitz were very angry with me. Mr. Orowitz gave me such a lecture that I felt shamed down to my very toes. Then, when I did not think I could feel worse, he told me sadly that he could no longer trust me and that as punishment I must stay with either him or Mrs. Orowitz at all times. I could not even go to the outhouse by myself. I would have to work in the store the entire time until my uncle returned.

I do not think I have ever felt so overwhelmed by guilt. I would have preferred a whipping with a whip to hearing that Mr. Orowitz could not trust me. I begged for him to forgive me, but all he said I would need to earn his forgiveness and show my remorse by obeying his punishment.

I do not think I have ever worked as hard I as did the next two days. The morning of the day on which Uncle Ben was to return, Mr. and Mrs. Orowitz told me they were proud of the way I accepted my punishment and that they both forgave me. I was working in the store when Uncle Ben and Hoss came in, both in good moods, both smiling. I knew that Uncle Ben's good mood would vanish quickly.

How right I was! Mr. Orowitz took him aside while I went to get my bag and Hoss loaded the supplies onto the wagon. By the time I came back into the store, my uncle was obviously furious. All he said to me was "wagon, now!"

Uncle Ben did not speak to me the entire way home. Hoss could tell I was in trouble, but I do not think he knew why and I was too afraid to speak. We drove into the yard; Uncle Ben leapt to the ground almost before Hoss stopped the horses and he helped me off the wagon and pulled me towards the corral.

"I hope you realize that you have Mr. Orowitz to thank for the fact that we are not heading into the barn right now." I nodded. I knew I deserved an awful tanning. Uncle Ben launched into a lecture guaranteed to singe my ears. I do not know how I stood and listened without breaking into tears, but I did it because he expected nothing less.

Anyway, all of this happened last week and after careful reflection I have decided that my life would be better if I distanced myself from Peggy. I think she is heading for what Concetta used to call "a bad end."

I am sitting on the porch right now writing in this journal. Adam and Hoss have just ridden in and I am trying not to laugh at Hoss. After I was kidnapped, Uncle Ben decided that Eagle Station is not immune to violence; indeed many of the people attracted to this area seem to be prone to violence. Therefore he has decided that he and his oldest two sons should be armed at all times. Adam already had the revolver that he received for Christmas, but Uncle Ben bought a revolver for Hoss. Poor Hoss had to endure hours of lectures and warnings about the proper use of a handgun. Joe and I were both warned that if we were caught touching the guns that we would not sit for the rest of the year. As we are just halfway through the year, I am content to heed the warning. I'm a little concerned about Joe, for he seems to think he should also be allowed to shoot. Ah well, it's his tail.

Anyway, since Hoss started wearing the revolver, he has developed something of a swagger; it is funny to see. He had best not let Uncle Ben catch him swaggering!

I had to set my pen aside for a while to speak to Adam, but he is back to work and I am, once again, bored. He came to me and leaned on the rail of the porch. "Annie, why are you just sitting there?"

"I've finished my chores and I don't have anything to do. Joe's with Mitch and their friends and I'm bored."

"Do you want to go see Peggy?" I shook my head. "I thought you liked being with her."

"She gets me into trouble." Hoss came up just as I said that.

"Annie, don't forget what Pa says. No one can get you into trouble but yourself."

"I know, Hoss, but sometimes someone can help you get into trouble." I had to laugh when Hoss slapped his brother on his back and said "don't I know it!" I really need to speak with Hoss alone. I think he has many stories about Adam that I would like to know.

Uncle Ben came shortly after Adam and Hoss left. I tried to get him to take me to town. I told him I was bored, but he was without sympathy.

"If you're that bored, I'm sure Hop Sing can find something for you."

I thought that was terribly unfair and started to say so, but he interrupted me. "If you are bored, I will find you something to do." I took the hint and returned to my journal.

Sunday, August 2, 18—

What a day! This morning at breakfast, Uncle Ben announced that we needed to leave earlier than usual for services, as today was the first day of Sunday school.

Hoss looked panicked until Uncle Ben assured him he was too old, but that Joe and I would have to attend. Uncle Ben glared as us both when we sighed too loudly.

We got to the church; Sunday School would be held in the church for half an hour prior to services. Joe and I shuffled in with Mitch and Seth. We were the oldest students and sat in the back. (Peggy is Catholic, like Uncle Pat and does not attend our service.) The teacher was a young woman, maybe Adam's age or a little older. I did not know her.

"Good morning, children. I am Miss Abigail Jones and I will be your Sunday School teacher." She made us all introduce ourselves and when she came to Joe and me she smiled even more, if that were possible. "Is Adam Cartwright your older brother?" Joe nodded and I said "yes, Ma'am, that is, he's Joe's brother and my cousin."

"You must be sure to introduce me to your families after the service today. My family is new to town and I do not know anyone yet." She gestured to include the whole class, but was looking at Joe and me. Poor Adam, yet another woman setting her sights on him.

Miss Jones went on to explain that we would be learning about Jesus and the wonderful stories of the Bible. She also explained that every week she would expect us to recite a verse from the Bible and that if we did it successfully, she would award us one ticket for each verse recited. Once we had recited a certain number of verses, we would receive a certificate; if we earned enough certificates we would receive a special Bible. Considering that Papa and Uncle Ben had used memorizing verses as punishment for not paying attention during the service, I expected I could earn a Bible by next week.

Miss Jones decided that we older students needed to demonstrate to the younger children (there were five of them) what would be expected. She called on me, as I was "the big girl." I thought for a moment, then stood up.

"And she said, Behold, thy sister in law is gone back unto her people, and unto her gods: return thou after thy sister in law. And Ruth said, Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God: Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the Lord do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me." Ruth, chapter 1, verses 15 through 17.

I think that is one of the most beautiful passages of the Bible. My father once told me that my mother quoted it to him, when he told her he was going back to America and that she should forget about him. He said how could he answer except with a proposal of marriage. I must have said it properly as Miss Jones smiled at me and clasped her hands together. "That was lovely." I sat down and she turned to Joe. "And you, Joseph, can you also recite a verse?"

Joe looked worried, but suddenly smiled and stood. He placed his hands behind his back. "Jesus wept." He sat down again.

Miss Jones' smile faltered slightly. "Very good Joseph, but do you know the chapter and verse? I pretended to cough and whispered to him "John, chapter 11, verse 35."

Joe stood again, repeated what I said and sat down again. Miss Jones turned to the younger children. "See, little ones? It isn't hard. Now, Seth, can you recite for us this morning?"

Seth smirked as he stood. "Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies. Song of Solomon, chapter 4, verse 5."

Mitch, Joe and I couldn't help ourselves. We laughed out loud as Miss Jones blushed a deep scarlet. I know it was wicked to laugh, but the look on her face was too funny! She quickly recovered and frowned at the four of us. She turned to the younger children. "You children are dismissed." She pointed to Tommy Taylor, who was eight. "Tommy, would you please ask Mr. Pruitt, Mr. Devlin and Mr. Cartwright to step inside?"

Suddenly Joe and I weren't laughing any more. We had been in Sunday School for only twenty minutes and already we were in trouble. We could only hope that Uncle Ben would let us explain what happened before he killed us, but I was not too sure the explanation would help.

Miss Jones had just enough time to explain her version of the story to the adults when everyone else started filing in for the service. Uncle Ben gave Joe and me a look guaranteed to insure good behavior during the service. We didn't move a muscle until we were given permission to stand and then we waited quietly by the wagon until Uncle Ben was done talking to the other adults.

Fortunately he did give us time to explain our side of the story and he did not punish us, although he did tell us to be more respectful next time. I think he was trying not to smile himself.

Monday, August 3, 18—

I had a dream last night about something that happened when I was little. I do not often remember my dreams in such detail but the one was so vivid that I remember it clearly. Or, perhaps I am just remembering my childhood.

I was about six, maybe only five. We had not lived in California long, I think it was before Concetta came to live with us. Papa was often in a bad mood. Thinking back I suppose he was that way because he had a small child and a struggling ranch. Adam and I talked about that once and he said that Uncle Ben was very much that way before he married Tante Marie.

No matter how his day was, Papa would always tell me a story before bed. One night, he told me the story of Daniel and the Lion's Den. That story made quite an impression on me, but not for the reason it should have. I was impressed mostly because Daniel stood up to the king. A few days after he told me the story, Papa told me to do something that I did not want to do, I do not remember what. I said no and crossed my arms.

Why he didn't just spank me then and there I do not know. But he just looked surprised and said, "I beg your pardon?"

I looked at him defiantly. "I said, no. You can't make me." Sometimes when I look back, I am surprised I survived long enough to write in this journal!

Now he was starting to get angry. I blurted out "The Bible says you can't!"

His look of anger quickly became one of confusion. "How's that?"

"It's like in that story you told, Daniel defied the king's laws because God wanted him to."

Now Papa's lips started to act funny. "Are you comparing me to King Darius? I nodded slightly. I remember I was starting to feel a little unsure of myself. "Are you trying to tell me that God is telling you to defy me?" I started getting a funny feeling in my backside. Defying Papa was never a good idea! He leaned close to me. "Do you know what else the Bible says?" I shook my head. "The Bible tells me that if I spare the rod, I will spoil the child. Do you know what that means?" I shook my head again. "That means God has told me that if you defy me, I should spank you or you will grow up to be an ill-mannered brat, which would make God sad. Now then, are you going to do as you were told?"

"Yes, sir. I'm sorry, Papa."

That's the dream I had. I told Uncle Ben about it and he laughed. He told me that Papa had written to him and told him the story. Uncle Ben looked through his trunk and he found the letter, which he read to me. Papa wrote that he had trouble not laughing in front of his defiant little Daniel.

The dream and the letter made me miss Papa in a way that I had not for a very long time. Uncle Ben seemed to sense that I was upset for he asked Hop Sing to pack us a picnic lunch. We rode to the lake and ate by my parents' stone. Uncle Ben told me stories of Papa as a boy. Perhaps someday I will write them down, but for now I will hug them tight to myself.

I have lived at the Ponderosa for a year now. Just as God protected Daniel in the lion's den and the Israelites in the wilderness, He has kept watch over me and protected me. I only hope that I am as worthy as Daniel.

Tuesday, August 4, 18—

This morning I asked Uncle Ben if he would teach me to shoot a pistol. He looked at me a moment and said no. Then he reminded me that if he ever caught me touching one, I'd get an awful tanning. I assured him that I remembered and that I would not disobey him.

"Uncle Ben, may I ask you a question?"

"Annie, you may always ask questions, as long as you are respectful."

I think I made a face. "Yes, sir. It's just, well, sometimes you think I'm being disrespectful and I'm not."

He tried not to smile, but I could tell he was. "I'll always correct you if you're disrespectful."

This time I nodded. "Yes, sir, but it's the correction I'm trying to avoid."

He couldn't help it – he laughed out loud. "Ask your question, Annie."

"Are you telling me that you won't teach me because I am too young, or are you telling me that because I am a girl?"

"Do you see me teaching Joe?" I shook my head. "I'll make you a promise, Annie. When I teach Joe, I will teach you. That doesn't mean you will get a gun when he does, but I promise I will teach you to use one."

I told him I thought that was fair. I don't want a gun of my own, like Joe does, I just want to know how to use it. I hate the idea of Joe knowing how to do something that I cannot do.

Adam and I had a great treat today; we received a package from his Grandfather Stoddard. He sent us a copy of Mr. Ralph Waldo Emerson's essay "Nature." Grandfather says he met Mr. Emerson at the Old Corner Bookstore in Boston; Mr. Emerson inscribed our copy "To Adam and Anna Cartwright. May you enjoy this work surrounded by the Nature of the West."

Then Adam, Hoss, Joe and I had a treat today. Uncle Ben announced that soon we would have to begin preparations for the coming winter. We all groaned, but he ignored us as he continued. "Because we will be working hard for the next few months, I have decided you all deserve a vacation for the rest of the week. Do only the necessary chores, then do as you want. He laughed as we cheered! Adam and I looked at each other and I knew we would spend tomorrow at least reading and discussing Nature.

I asked Adam once why his father spent so much energy and time getting ready for winter. He told me that was just how Uncle Ben was – he always liked to be prepared. Then he told me that Uncle Ben was one of the people who rescued the Donner Party. Protected though I had been in California, even I had heard of the tragedy of the Donner Party. That had reinforced Uncle Ben's need to get ready for winter. Adam swore me to secrecy about this; Uncle Ben got very upset whenever anyone mentioned the Donner Party. I cannot imagine – no, I do not want to imagine - the horror he went through; I promised Adam I would never say a word.

Wednesday, August 5, 18—

Adam and I hurried through our chores. We wanted to ride up to the lake so we could read our new book. I loved to listen to Adam read aloud but we didn't want to read around Joe and Hoss. They didn't like these kinds of books and they would make fun of our discussion.

I was glad to be away from the house with only Adam. He treats me differently when we're alone. When we are with Joe and Hoss, Adam treats me like he treats Joe – a sometimes annoying little kid. When we're alone, he talks to me more like he talks to other adults; we can have serious discussions and he isn't condescending when he has to explain things I don't understand.

I spread out a blanket and we settled down with the book. Nature is divided into chapters that are only a few pages each. Adam would read a chapter and we'd talk about it a while. Sometimes he would have to explain what he thought Emerson was saying as I could not understand.

I think my favorite quote was "[I]n the woods, we return to reason and faith. There I feel that nothing can befall me in life –no disgrace, no calamity… which nature cannot repair." I really believe that, especially here on the Ponderosa. Every time I have been upset or worried or angry, the beauty of my surroundings has brought me peace. Adam agreed with me; he said that's why he likes to ride off when he's angry or upset about something.

Adam laughed when I said I kept thinking of Hoss while Adam read. He did not think Hoss would much enjoy Mr. Emerson's writings. I allowed as that was true, but I do believe Hoss would understand what Mr. Emerson was trying to say. I have never met anyone who was so at home in nature as Hoss is. Hoss is happiest when he is outside and I know he will be content to live his life here. Joe, too. I don't ever see them leaving the Ponderosa.

Adam I am not so sure about. Sometimes I think he is happy here on the Ponderosa, and sometimes I think it is only a matter of time before he leaves, perhaps forever. I often wondered about that and something about our conversations today gave me the courage to ask.

"Adam, why do you want to leave?" He was so startled by the question that he lost his place in the book.

"I don't want to leave; we're reading. I thought you were enjoying it."

Obviously he wasn't paying attention to me. I sighed. "No, why do you want to leave the Ponderosa someday?"

He nodded. "I want to go to college and learn. You know that."

"And after that, will you come back here?"

He nodded more slowly this time. "Yes, I'm planning to come back."

"But you might not stay. There's something in you that makes you a wanderer, I think, like Uncle John." He looked at me sharply. "It's all right, Adam, I understand."

"Maybe you can explain it to me then." His voice was so quiet I almost did not hear him. I did not know how to answer him so I said nothing. He looked up at me and smiled. "And what about you, Annie? Don't you want to go to college? Don't you want to see the places we read about?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe, someday, if it's allowed. It's easier for you, you know. You can go off by yourself and no one is shocked. A girl cannot do that so easily. Maybe you can take me with you."

He smiled and looked for the page in the book. This is why I enjoyed being with Adam. He treats me seriously, he doesn't laugh at my ideas and he talks to me like an adult. Well, he does when we're alone anyway.

We had been reading for a few more hours when I heard a horse approaching. We both turned and jumped to our feet when we saw it was Mr. Taylor. He smiled when he saw us.

"Ben told me you'd be out here reading. He says to remind you to come home for lunch now. " Adam and I welcomed Mr. Taylor back to Eagle Station and then we three rode back to the ranch. Mr. Taylor had not yet read Nature, and he made us promise to lend him the book when we were done.

I was feeling bold so I told Adam I didn't know if we should. "After all, Mr. Taylor will just assign an essay on the book. We could save ourselves the work if we don't let him have it."

Adam told me it was a good thing Uncle Ben wasn't around to hear how I sassed the teacher. I apologized profusely to Mr. Taylor until he finally laughed and told me he knew I was teasing. Then I told Adam he'd best put the book away before Uncle Ben catches him reading while riding. That riles Uncle Ben something fierce. He does not take Adam to task much anymore, but when he catches Adam reading and riding, he hollers at Adam like Adam is my age.

Everyone came home for lunch, which made Hop Sing happy. Joe didn't look quite so happy to see Mr. Taylor, although he was of course polite and respectful. I guess he didn't like the idea of school starting soon. I on the other hand was looking forward to it. Uncle Ben asked when school would be starting.

"I think school will start for the younger children in two weeks, Ben. How about Annie and Joe? Will they be starting then or do you need them here?" Many times the older students did not start school when the younger children did because they were needed for the harvest. We had a lot of hay to harvest and I know Joe was hoping to stay out of school for that reason.

Uncle Ben's next words confirmed Joe's hopes. "Well, I know Annie and Joe will be disappointed, but I think I will need their help this year with the harvest. Adam and Hoss will be taking part in the cattle drive and so won't be able to help with the haying." Several of the ranchers in the area were combining herds into one large drive, and Adam and Hoss and the three vaqueros my uncle had hired would be taking part. Uncle Ben himself would stay home to supervise winter preparations. Our herd was not big enough to warrant the three of them leaving the ranch for almost a month. Joe and I were going to be very busy in a few weeks, as we would have to do most of Hoss and Adam's chores as well as our own work. Me, I'd rather be in school.

After lunch, Mr. Taylor, Adam and I read and discussed Nature some more. Joe and Hoss would not dare make fun of our discussion when an adult was present. After a while, I heard Uncle Ben hollering at Joe. Apparently Joe got too close to Hoss's gun; he did not actually touch it, but Uncle Ben felt it necessary to remind Joe of his threat.

Tonight after dinner Uncle Ben told a story about his Uncle John. I think he told it because I asked about learning to shoot and because he caught Joe looking at Hoss's gun today. This is what he told:

"When I was 12, my brothers and I went to spend the summer on Cape Cod with Uncle John and Aunt May, like we always did. One day, my great uncle and aunt had to go to Orleans, I don't remember why. They decided that we were old enough to be left alone, and after giving us strict instructions on what to do and what not to do, they left.

"Well, Uncle John had a pair of black powder dueling pistols that he claimed to have taken from a pirate many years ago. These were the only guns we had seen up close and they were fascinating to us boys, as they would have been to any boy of a certain age." Here Uncle Ben looked directly at Joe, who did not even blush. I think he was missing the point to the story.

"We did our chores and played on the beach all day. Then, John decided he wanted to shoot the pistols. He thought this would be the perfect opportunity. We told Eddie that he was too young to try. He fussed that if we didn't let him try, he would tell Uncle John what we had done. John replied that if he told, John would pound him into the sand. Eddie didn't look too intimidated – he knew our great-uncle would pound John into the sand if he caught John beating up on Eddie. I told Eddie if he told on us, I would tell Uncle John that Eddie had been sneaking out at night. This shut him up. Uncle John had caught Eddie once and promised a sound spanking if he did it again.

"So, John and I got out the guns and we loaded them. We had seen Uncle John do it once before, so we thought we knew what we were doing. We were outside, between the house and the barn. We set two bottles up on the fence and the idea was we would both fire at once, and see who could hit the bottles faster.

"The guns were much heavier than we thought they would be, and both our shots went wild. Mine, at least I think it was mine, went straight through the kitchen window. John's shot went straight into the chicken coop, killing one of the birds and scaring the rest of them so badly they didn't lay for a week." Uncle Ben laughed at the looks on our faces – even Adam was staring at his father with his mouth open.

"That wasn't the worst of it. We didn't realize it, but Uncle John and Aunt May were driving into the yard just as we fired the guns. We didn't even have a chance to see the damage before he had us by the collars."

Joe spoke up. "What did your uncle do, Pa?"

"What do you think he did?" Joe smirked at the thought of his Pa on the receiving end of punishment instead of the giving end.

"He thrashed us all, even Eddie who was protesting his innocence the entire time. We didn't sit for a good long time, and we had to do a lot of chores to pay for the chickens and the window, but at least he didn't tell Father."

I think Joe finally understood the point of the story. I know I did. There was no way I was going near those guns until Uncle Ben gives me permission.

Thursday, August 6, 18—

Hoss hinted at breakfast this morning that he would sure love some jam on his bread and a berry pie would sure taste fine after supper. Hop Sing told Hoss if Hoss picked the berries, he would make the pie. I immediately volunteered to go with Hoss; spending the day picking berries sounded like fun, especially with Hoss. He knows so much about the woods and he is a very patient teacher. Plus, he knows all the good stories about Adam getting into trouble. I volunteered to make us a picnic lunch so we could make a day of it. I knew if I made him a good enough lunch that I could get him to talk. (I am a wicked girl sometimes.)

We spent a very pleasant morning picking berries. Hoss truly is a man of nature, as I said he was. He knew where to find the berries, and he showed me the berries not to eat because they are poisonous. We found wild mushrooms that he knew were edible and he showed me the ones that weren't edible. He even found a pair of spotted owls sleeping in a hole in a tree. I asked him where he learned so much.

"I don't know. I reckon I just asked people and they told me. I've always liked being outside. Big Dan's taught me a lot about this area, though. He's lived here a long time. It's not much though, just animals and plants and things. Adam's the smart one."

I do not agree, and I told him so. "I think it takes a lot of smarts to know as much as you do. It's just not the same kind of smarts that Adam has. After all, to whom does Adam go when he has a question about an animal or about the weather? He asks you." Hoss smiled at me, blushing slightly. "And how many times have I heard Uncle Ben say he relies on you to keep the Ponderosa's animals healthy." He blushed even more. "And how about that time you showed me how to deliver that calf. That calf would have died if you didn't know what to do."

I hate to see Hoss compare himself unfavorably to Adam. He really is smart, even if most people don't see it until they get to know him. I've been really mad at Tess lately; I think she's stepping out with Danny Johnson behind Hoss's back. I keep meaning to ask Adam what to do; I do not think Hoss should hear it from me. I'm just mad enough to go yell at her, though. She's not good enough for Hoss.

Finally we stopped for lunch. Hoss was very impressed with the food I brought, and that's saying something. He's not easily impressed by picnics. He ate and ate. I waited until he was done with most of his food before trying to get him to talk.

"Hoss?" I handed him a piece of pie. "Do you remember saying the other day that you knew what I meant when I said even if no one can make you get into trouble, they can sure help you get into trouble? He nodded as he thanked me. "Did Adam ever help get you into trouble?"

He grinned. "Yup. In fact, I don't expect I was in trouble more than 3 or 4 times without Adam's help, and those times was mostly in school. Anytime I got into real trouble with Pa, you can be sure Adam was involved somehow.

"Take this one time when we were living in New Orleans. Adam and a couple of the older boys wanted to go to the docks to see the boats. We weren't allowed there without Pa. They decided to go early in the day, so Adam convinced me that we would have plenty of time to do our chores before Pa came home for lunch. He was convinced Ma wouldn't tell on us if she noticed we hadn't finished the chores as long as we finished them later.

"Anyway, we went to the docks. I couldn't see why they were all fired up to see them, there were only ships being unloaded. We stayed a while, then headed home. Adam and me were almost home when we ran into Pa. Adam signaled me to let him do the talking.

"Pa was surprised to see us. Fortunately at that point we were near his store, an area we were allowed in. 'Boys,' he said. 'I'm surprised to see you here.' Adam shrugged. 'Well, Pa, we just thought we'd take a walk.' I nodded in agreement. 'Where did you walk?' Adam looked at him. 'Just to the park and then to here.' Pa nodded. 'Chores done, Adam?' 'Yes, Pa.' 'Are your chores done, Eric?' Now I was getting nervous. If I lied, I'd be in trouble, but if I didn't lie, Adam would be in trouble with Pa and I'd be in trouble with Adam. I decided we'd have them all done before Pa got home anyway, so I nodded. 'Yes, Pa.'

"Well, I was surprised when Pa grabbed us both by the collars and started heading for home. He could sure walk fast, and even Adam was practically running to keep up with him. He got us home and headed straight into the woodshed. 'Your mother came to see me in the store today. She was upset because the two of you had not finished your chores and you left home without permission. I told her I would take care of it when I came home. Then I happened to go to the docks to see if a shipment had arrived and to my surprise I saw the two of you with some of Adam's friends.'

"You can imagine what he did to us. That wasn't the first time Adam got me into trouble, but it's the first time Pa ever tanned me. It wasn't the last time being with Adam got me into trouble either."

I just shook my head. I cannot believe that Adam tried lying to his father! But then, I guess it's like Uncle Ben says whenever he punishes me. He's doing it so I am a good person when I am grown. He did the same thing with Adam and certainly he is proud of Adam now.

Hoss swore me to secrecy as he told more stories. We picked more berries and then we loaded the wagon. Hop Sing would have enough berries to make a bunch of pies and enough jam to get through the winter.

Friday, August 7, 18—

Joe and I decided to spend today riding. It's been a long time since I went riding with just Joe – I try not to think of what happened the last time. We rode for what seemed like forever and then Joe spotted a herd of wild mustangs. He wanted to follow them to see if we could catch one. I knew we didn't have a chance at catching one, but I agreed to go along for the ride. We rode and rode, eyes on the herd, oblivious to our surroundings. Joe was especially excited by the stallion leading the herd.

Suddenly I realized where we were. We had ridden into Lion's Ravine. Someone named it that because of the large number of mountain lions that had been spotted here. It was high on Uncle Ben's forbidden places list, and we'd be in a lot of trouble if he knew we were here. I kept arguing with Joe that we needed to turn around, but he wouldn't listen. Finally he reluctantly agreed, and we made it home just in time for evening chores.

Joe was all excited during dinner. Hoss and Adam were talking about the horses, Joe's favorite topic, and one he thought he knew a lot about. Finally, when Hop Sing served dessert, he could contain himself no longer.

"I know where you can find a great stallion. Me and Annie saw one today in Lion's Ravine."

I almost dropped my fork in my shock. I didn't dare look at Uncle Ben.

Hoss looked at Joe. "What'd he look like? Was he a…"

"Joseph." Uncle Ben's low voice interrupted Hoss. "Where did you say you were?"

Only then did Joe realize what he had done. Were it not for the fact that I was in as much trouble as he, I would have laughed at the look on his face. He gulped. "I said Lion's Ravine, Pa." His voice was barely above a whisper.

Uncle Ben nodded. "Go to your room." He waited until Joe left the table before turning to me. "You were with Joseph, Anna?"

"Yes, sir." My voice was even softer than Joe's. He sent me to my room; as I closed my door I could see him going into the bunkroom and I could see Adam and Hoss hightailing it out to the porch with their coffee and dessert.

I tried not to listen to any noises from outside my room. I sat on the edge of my bed, waiting for Uncle Ben. When he came he started questioning me in that way of his, getting me to tell a story that he already knows. It's his way of making me realize what I had done wrong, I suppose. That part is bad, but then when the questions stop, it gets worse. So now I am restricted to the yard for a week and I have extra chores. I am lying on my bed writing this because my backside feels like it is on fire.

Saturday, August 8, 18—

Joe apologized this morning for not listening to me when I said we should turn around. He said it was his fault that I got in trouble. I reminded him that Uncle Ben always says that no one can make you get into trouble and I think he felt a little better. Being in trouble is bad enough, but feeling guilty because you think you got someone else in trouble is just miserable.

Uncle Ben announced at breakfast today that Hop Sing and Adam would be going to Placerville for a few days. Hop Sing wants to visit some cousin who has recently settled in Placerville and Adam is going to conduct some business for Uncle Ben. While they are away, Joe and I will be doing their work; that's the extra chores we have for our punishment.

I asked Hop Sing once about his cousins. It seems he has an awful lot of them. He said they are not cousins like I am cousin to Joe, Hoss and Adam. They are members of his family clan and the Chinese place great value on clan relations.

Hop Sing spent almost two hours after breakfast reminding me of all the chores I needed to do. As if I do not help him every day! Running this house will be easy.

After lunch, which Hop Sing started before he left, Uncle Ben told me he wanted to look at the books. Ever since Mr. Taylor starting teaching me bookkeeping, I have been keeping the household books. Uncle Ben and Adam still keep the ranch books separately, but I am hoping that soon I will get to do those as well. Uncle Ben was well pleased with my work, and told me I had a neat hand. I tried to behave modestly, but I was quite happy that he was pleased.

I spent the rest of the afternoon preparing supper and cleaning the house. This is going to be easy. Hop Sing will no doubt be as well pleased with my work as Uncle Ben was.

Sunday, August 9, 18—

Uncle Ben got me up dreadfully early so that I could make breakfast. I had just put that on the table when I realized I had forgotten to iron my good dress for church this morning. I excused myself from the table, did the ironing and got dressed. Then I cleaned the dishes, but forgot to put on my apron so I got my good dress dirty. I had to wear my school dress to church.

Uncle Ben reminded Joe and me that he expected no bad reports from Miss Jones this morning. As Friday's punishment was still fresh in our minds, we assured him we would be on our best behavior.

Sunday school passed without incident; well except Joe couldn't remember the verse I taught him. So, I whispered a couple of words to him. Unfortunately Miss Jones took exception to that and refused to give me the certificates I had earned. Then she told Uncle Ben. I think she was really just hoping to have a chance to speak to Adam; she seemed most disappointed that he was not with Uncle Ben. After church Joe and I had to listen to a long lecture about…well, I'm not sure about what exactly. I stopped listening after a while. I do not think Uncle Ben was really angry; if he had he would have noticed when I stopped paying attention. All I did was tell Joe a couple of words. I did pay attention when Joe tried to argue that Miss Jones was picking on him because she wanted to meet Adam. He had the good sense to be quiet when his father frowned. I yelled at Joe later. His tongue had gotten me into trouble earlier this week; I did not want it to be the cause of more troubles.

Because it was Sunday, the only chores I had to do were preparing lunch and supper and a few barn chores. Unfortunately because of the trouble in Sunday school Joe and I had to sit at the table memorizing verses from the Bible. Well, at least we have a start for next week.

Monday, August 10, 18—

Another ridiculously early morning. However, I am determined to impress Uncle Ben with my hard work, so I acted cheerful. I sneaked a cup of coffee when Uncle Ben was not looking. I think I see why he, Adam and Hoss like it. The taste is strong and it did wake me up. It would not do for him to see me drinking it, however. He would say I am too young. I would say that I am big enough to run the house so I am big enough to drink coffee. He would tell me that I am too big for my britches and maybe he should fix that. So I sneak the cup.

I decided I wanted to impress Hop Sing with how clean the house is upon his return. I started breakfast, then took down all the curtains. Unfortunately the porridge had burned to the pot by the time I remembered to stir it. I decided to make eggs instead. It took me 45 minutes to clean the porridge pot.

I washed the curtains and hung them to dry. Unfortunately that made me late starting lunch and wouldn't you know, Uncle Ben and Hoss came back early. I think Uncle Ben was amused but Hoss was annoyed.

After I cleaned up the lunch dishes I went outside to get the curtains. To my dismay and anger, Joe had been scrubbing the ash pots near the clothesline and my formerly clean curtains were filthy. I started screaming at Joe in Spanish because I knew no one else would know what I was saying. A hand on my arm stopped me and I turned to see Tomas, one of the older vaqueros my uncle had hired.

"Such ugly words are even uglier when they come from the mouth of a beautiful young senorita. I do not believe your uncle would be impressed if he knew what you were saying."

If my uncle knew what I was saying, the only thing that would be impressed would be the image of his hand on my backside. I apologized to Tomas and to Joe. Joe of course wanted me to teach him what I had said, but I knew Tomas was right and I was embarrassed to have said the words in the first place.

I washed all the curtains again and hung them to dry, this time begging Joe to stay away from them. By then it was time to start supper and do my barn chores. After supper I had to clean up, iron all the curtains and re-hang them. I am starting to think this housework is not as easy as Hop Sing makes it seem.

Tuesday, August 11, 18—

Another early morning, another cup of coffee. What Uncle Ben does not know cannot hurt him, right? Breakfast went without a hitch, except I had to make a third batch of pancakes. Hoss kept eating and eating. He claimed he had a big day ahead of him.

The curtains look good, all crisp and clean. I decided today after doing my barn chores that I would polish all the furniture and wash the floors. After lunch I would weed the vegetable garden.

The morning went well, although I didn't quite get all the floors finished. I still have to do the bunkroom, Uncle Ben's room and my room. I did spill some of the polish on the floor; fortunately Uncle Ben was not hurt when he fell. He suggested I forget about the floors and do the garden.

I was working in the garden when I looked up and saw Hoss sneaking over to the pies I left cooling on the kitchen sill. "Hoss, da…don't you think of touching that pie!" I was able to pull the curse word back in before I said it. Good thing, too, I thought, because Uncle Ben was standing in the doorway of the barn. My shout startled Hoss, and he knocked both pies off the sill and onto the ground.

"Damnation, Hoss! Why the hell did you do that?" I went after him with my hoe, but before I could reach him, a strong arm had grabbed me and dragged me inside to the washbasin. I spent the time I should have been listening to Uncle Ben wondering if I could make better tasting soap. I did manage to convince Uncle Ben that I heard the expression in town. I did not mention that while I heard it in town, Little Joe was the one I had heard it from. Joe owes me!

I spent the rest of the afternoon doing barn chores, making supper and trying to get the vile taste of soap out of my mouth. I spent after supper finishing the floors. I am so tired I can barely right, but the house is looking good.

Wednesday, August 12, 18—

What a gloomy day! What a miserable, awful, rotten day. And it rained, too.

The day started when I woke up to the sound of something flying around my head. I sat up in bed and started shrieking. In the dim light of dawn I could just make out the image of a bat flying around. Uncle Ben burst through the door, Hoss right behind him. They quickly figured out what was upsetting me. Uncle Ben closed the door after Hoss grabbed a broom and they were able to shoo it out the window. Joe was standing at the door when Hoss opened it again. As Hoss led Joe back to the bunkroom, I could hear Joe. "She was like that over a bat?!? Girls!"

Uncle Ben was a bit more solicitous. He lit my lamp and checked me over. "Did the bat bite you?"

I looked at him. He was half shaved. His pants were on, but he was shirtless. His feet were bare. "I'm sorry to bother you, Uncle Ben. I was just startled when I woke up like that. No, the bat didn't bite me."

"Don't worry about it. I was already awake. You might as well get up now, although I'm not sure if I need coffee this morning after this. " He smiled as he closed the door behind him.

I had planned to finish the garden and do the laundry today, but the pouring rain outside washed those plans away. I decided to do the mending and the baking and to spend a little more time on lunch and supper.

Joe and Hoss were driving me crazy today. They could not seem to remember to wipe their feet as they came in the door and they kept tracking mud. I had just washed those floors! Finally, shortly before supper I had reached my breaking point. I was standing with my back to the door, chopping vegetables. I heard the door open and without looking around, I said, "If you haven't wiped those feet, I'm gonna pound you one!"

My uncle's startled voice cut through the silence. "I beg your pardon?"

I whirled around, dropped the knife and stared at him. Then I burst into tears and ran into my room, taking care to not slam the door behind me. I threw myself on my bed and sobbed. I was not even sure why I was crying. I heard Uncle Ben's footsteps come into my room and I braced myself for what was sure to come after my disrespect.

He sat on my bed and stroked my hair. I did not move. "I think you've been working too hard" was all he said as he gathered me into his arms. "What's this about?"

All I could do was cry harder. I choked out the words "wanted to be proud" and buried my face in his shirt. He hugged me close. "Annie, I'm very proud of you. You've worked very hard." He stopped as I shook my head.

"Not you." I was so upset that I did not try to be tactful.

He picked up my chin and forced me to look at him. He smiled. "Hop Sing will be proud of you, too. You've done a lot of work since he was gone." He handed me his handkerchief and I dried my eyes. "Now, why don't you get up and get supper on the table." He swatted me on my way. "By the way, Annie?"

I turned. "Yes, Uncle Ben?"

"I wiped my feet before I came in. You don't have to pound me."

Thursday, August 13, 18—

Today I learned a painful lesson on the evils of eavesdropping. It was not the usual painful lesson but in some ways it hurt more than a tanning ever could.

Adam and Hop Sing came home today. Hop Sing was duly impressed with my efforts and he told me he was proud of me. That made me feel good, but there was something about his appearance that worried me. He seemed sad, and older somehow.

Uncle Ben must have sensed it too, for he sent Joe, Hoss and me outside so he could talk to Adam and Hop Sing alone. I was weeding the flower garden by the side window and I could hear snippets of the conversation. From what I could gather, Hop Sing had been harassed in Placerville. In fact, some of the miners had tried to impress him into service for them. Adam told this story while Hop Sing was silent. Then Adam fell silent and Hop Sing picked up the tale.

"Adam came to my rescue. He stood between me and the miners and he shouted "my father paid $50.00 cash money for this Chinaman. He's mine and you can't take him."

My world crashed around me, I felt faint and I thought I would throw up. My uncle, my highly principled uncle, had bought a man. I moved away from the window. I didn't want to hear anymore. It was as though every thing I ever believed in my whole life proved to be untrue.

I kept to myself all afternoon until it was time to make supper. I had volunteered to cook when Hop Sing first came home so he could rest from the trip. I was just about to set the table when Uncle Ben came in.

"Annie, I know you're still restricted, but do you want to go to town with me tomorrow morning?"

All the anger I had been feeling all day boiled over. "I don't want to go anywhere with you." I could see my uncle's irritation with my disrespectful tone, but I was beyond caring.

"I don't know what you're upset about, but I do not care for your tone."

"I don't care what you care for!" Uncle Ben's eyes were dark with anger. He advanced on me. "Go ahead, hit me, you hypocrite! You, you slave-owner!" Uncle Ben fell back as though I had punched him.

"Annie, what are you talking about?"

Hop Sing stepped out from his doorway. "Mr. Cartwright, please, let me." Hop Sing walked toward me. "You overheard our conversation this afternoon." I nodded, feeling more miserable than I had felt since my father died. Hop Sing gestured to the sofa and we sat. "But I think you did not hear the whole conversation. You did not hear Adam tell his father the shame he felt saying these words, but that he did not know how else to help me."

"But my uncle bought you?"

Hop Sing held up one finger. "Silence." He then explained how Shelby had bought the contract that had paid his passage to America. Hop Sing was unhappy at Shelby's and she was not kind to him. He ran away to the Ponderosa and when she followed, Uncle Ben paid the remainder of his contract for $50, using the last of his money. Hop Sing told me that he is not staying with the Cartwrights because he was bought. "I stay because your family treats me as an honored part of the household. I am treated with more respect than I have been treated since I was a child in China. I am in debt to your uncle for his kindness, Annie, that is all." The whole time he was talking I stared at my hands. I could see him stand out of the corner of my eye. "Now I think you need to speak to your uncle." Hop Sing left the house.

I looked up at Uncle Ben. I could not tell what he was thinking, but I knew that I had just deeply hurt the man I loved most in the world. I did what I seemed to be doing a lot these days. I cried. And Uncle Ben did what he always does. He sat next to me, held me close and let me cry. Finally he said softly, "Annie, look at me."

I couldn't bring myself to pick up my head, so I shook my head. He lifted my chin the way he does and made me look at him. "Annie, if someone tells me that you've done something wrong, what do I do?"

I chewed my lip. "You ask my side." He nodded.

"Did you do that when you thought I'd done something wrong?"

"No, sir." He had to strain to hear my voice.

"Annie, I know that there will be times in your life that I will disappoint you. No man is perfect and it is inevitable that we disappoint the ones we love."

"Like I've disappointed you today."

He nodded. "Yes, Annie, I am very disappointed today. But what I'm trying to say, is when we disappoint the ones that we love, we hope the ones we love will give us a chance to make things right. When you assumed that I had done something bad, you didn't give me a chance to make things right. I'm asking that the next time you think I've given you a reason to be disappointed, that you come to me and talk to me."

I nodded as I looked at him square in the eye. "I'm sorry Uncle Ben. I was wrong. Can we make it right? Can you forgive me?"

He smiled slightly. "Annie, between a parent and his child, there is always forgiveness." I couldn't help it; I started bawling like a baby. I hate to cry, but lately it seems that's all I can do, whether I'm happy or sad, angry or glad. Uncle Ben held me and let me cry my tears out.

"Are you going to punish me, Uncle Ben?"

He sighed. "I think you've been punished enough for eavesdropping, don't you? Go on, get supper ready." He kissed me and he helped me stand up. I turned towards the kitchen but turned at his bottom-numbing smack. He held up his hand. "I don't care how angry you are with me, I don't ever want to hear such a disrespectful tone from you again."

"Yes, sir!"

Friday, August 14, 18—

I was very quiet today. Too quiet, apparently, for Uncle Ben. He was worried that I did not understand that he forgave me. I assured him that I did. What I did not tell him was that I do not understand how some people can be so cruel to others simply because they look different. I know my father left Missouri because he could not abide slavery and he hoped things would be different in California. We saw no slavery in California but he deplored the way Mexicans were treated. When we first moved there, California was still part of Mexico. He told me we were welcomed by the Mexicans and he even maintained good relations during the war. He treated the Mexicans as he wanted to be treated and they returned the respect. Unfortunately I know that is not true for all Anglos. My father had never met a Chinaman, but I do not believe he would treat them with any less respect than he treated the Mexicans. He told me over and over again that he had traveled too much to believe that any one group of people was inherently superior. Despite what I foolishly believed for a few minutes yesterday, I know Uncle Ben feels the same way and that is how is raising my cousins and me. I can only imagine what it cost Adam to claim that his father had bought Hop Sing. I tired to talk to him about it but he just shrugged and walked away.

Hoss had some exciting news at dinner. He announced that Mrs. Greene's vaqueros were planning to hold some kind of horse show in a few weeks.

I couldn't contain my excitement. "You mean, la charreada?"

"Yeah, that's what they called it. How did you know?"

I rolled my eyes – a bad habit of which my uncle has despaired of breaking me. "You forget, I lived in Mexico."

Joe jumped it. "You did not!"

"I did, too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

Uncle Ben quickly decided he'd heard enough and he slapped the table with the palm of his hand, causing us all to jump. "Joseph, California was still part of Mexico when your Uncle Ed moved there. For that matter, you lived in Mexico for a short time."

I stuck out my tongue at Joe when Uncle Ben looked down. "Anyway, charreada is a…" Suddenly I was at a loss for words. How to explain such a spectacle? I tried again. "At a charreada the vaqueros compete with each other, to show off their skills. Everyone dresses up and if we're lucky, there will be lots of food." Hoss's ears picked up at that. "We'll be able to go, won't we Uncle Ben?"

He nodded. "I can't see why not. Maybe you boys should enter some of the contests."

We spent the rest of the meal talking about the contests. I wanted to enter the roping contests, but it would probably be only for men and boys. Joe hooted when I said I could rope as well as any of them. I mentioned that maybe I would disguise myself in Joe's clothes and pretend to be a boy. My uncle mentioned that if I ever ventured off the ranch in pants, he would be most unhappy. An unhappy Uncle Ben usually makes for an unhappier Annie, so I decided to abandon that plan. I spent the night dreaming of delicious food and beautiful costumes.

Saturday, August 15, 18—

Well, Joe did it. I cannot believe he was stupid enough to think he would get away with it. But, that's Joe. He has an amazing ability to look on the positive side of anything.

Today was the last day of our restriction. Uncle Ben and Adam had gone to town, Hoss was out checking the fencing and Hop Sing had gone over to the Greene's to bring some jam over. Joe noticed that Adam had left his gun on the side table; he usually does not wear the gun to town. Joe picked it up.

"I'm going to try it. Want to?"

"Absolutely not! Are you mad? You know what Uncle Ben said he would do if he finds out."

"How's he going to find out? You gonna tell?" Joe puffed up like an angry old bullfrog.

I scowled. "Of course not. But he'll find out, he always does."

Joe faltered, then shrugged. "Not always."

No amount of argument would sway him, so I decided to stay on the porch in case he hurt himself. Joe set up a bottle, stepped back, took aim and fired. No sooner had the dust cleared (the shot went into the dirt, leaving the bottle unmolested) then we heard the thunder of galloping horses. Sure enough, Uncle Ben rode in, took one look at Joe (who looked like he was going to be sick) and dismounted even before Buck stopped. He grabbed Joe's arm, handed the gun to Adam and headed to the barn. He turned towards me as an afterthought. "Go inside, Anna. I will see you in a few minutes." I started to protest but Adam grabbed my arm.

"Do yourself a favor and shut up." He followed me in and carefully put the gun down. "Joe's an idiot."

"I tired to stop him. Uncle Ben warned us what he would do."

Adam winced and unconsciously rubbed his backside. He realized what he was doing when I giggled. He smiled ruefully. "I was a year older than Joe when I got caught. Hoss was with me. It was the worst tanning of my life until…" He stopped and I couldn’t get him to finish the sentence. I love to hear about Adam getting into trouble. I do not know if it is because he never gets in trouble now, or if it is because I think that means there is hope for me.

Uncle Ben came in a few minutes later. He did not look angry as much as he looked sad. I think punishing us really upsets him. I started to speak to him, but he just held up his hand. "Joe told me you tried to talk him out of it and that you were with him just in case he hurt himself. Thank you, Annie." He went into his room and Adam headed outside.

Joe came in a few minutes later. He looked so woebegone that I did not have the heart to say, "I told you so." I could tell he wanted to be left alone, so I did not say anything to him. I know how he felt, having been there more than I care to admit.

Sunday, August 16, 18—

Today was a great day! We had to go to Sunday school of course, but Joe and I managed to stay out of trouble. We even both earned tickets for memorizing the verses. But that's not what made it great.

A new family came to church today. They had moved to the area last week. Their name is Swenson and they have a mother, a father, three sons around Hoss and Adam's ages and – oh joy of joys – they have a daughter who is 13! Her name is Elisabet, but she says to call her Beth. They are from Sweden, and have been in America for a year.

They joined us on our Sunday picnic at the lake. Mrs. Swenson brought enough food to satisfy even Hoss. Uncle Ben and Adam shared memories of the food that Hoss's mother used to make, because she was Swedish too.

Beth is my height, but she is blond and blue eyed. She loves to read, she is looking forward to going to school and best of all, she knows what it is like to live with three boys! I think we are going to be very good friends.

I looked back on my journal the last few weeks. I can't believe I was bored. Now I have so much to look forward to – the charreada, a new friend, school. Now I just wish it weren't so hot.