Chapter 3

The silence stretched between them, a slight breeze picked up and rustled
the leaves of the trees, the birds chirped pleasantly and insects buzzed
through the air. Jimmy began to wonder if he had actually spoken the words
aloud.

"What did you say?" Lou said uncertainly, not sure if she had heard him
right.

"I want you to marry me Lou."

"That's what I thought you said. Jimmy you don't want to marry me." she told
him.

"Yes I do." Jimmy insisted.

"No, you're just asking me because I'm ...? you're just doing this because
you think its the right thing to do."

"Lou...?"

"Please Jimmy, just think about it. You'll see that I'm right." Jimmy nodded
slowly

"All right, as long as you promise to think about it too."

Lou nodded in agreement, but she didn't want to think about it. Jimmy's
proposal would solve all her problems, but it just wasn't right. She didn't
love him and he certainly didn't love her, sure there had always been an
attraction between them, well at least on her side, but that wasn't love. It
was friendship and respect and okay, more than a little flirting, but that
was all it had ever been, a harmless flirtation.

"Come on, I'll walk you back to town." Jimmy said breaking into her
thoughts.

They walked back to town in silence, each lost in their own thoughts. Lou's
mind worked frantically to come up with reasons why they shouldn't marry, if
he were to ask her again. And Jimmy was beginning to realize the enormity of
what he had done. He had always avoided his feelings for Lou, thinking that
with his reputation he could never offer her, or any woman, a normal, safe,
life. And now with barely a moments thought he had asked her to marry him
because she was pregnant, well not just because she was pregnant. He had
come to realize recently that his feelings for her weren't just going to go
away, no matter how much he ignored them. But there was still a small part
of him that was relieved that she had said no, not that that would stop him
asking her again. He walked her to the door of Rachel's house and then left
to seek the advice of the only man he knew with a lot of experience in this
area.

***** "Well, you see there's this girl." Jimmy began haltingly.

"There always is son." Teaspoon said propping his feet up on his desk. He
knew exactly where Jimmy was going but figured he should let him take his
own time about it. He didn't know how Jimmy had found out about Lou's
situation, but it was written all over his face. He knew.

"I want to marry her." Jimmy burst out, and Teaspoon could have swarm Jimmy
had been reading his mind.

"Mmmhmm. But...??"

"Well I asked her and she said no." Jimmy paused, he didn't know how much
Teaspoon knew and he didn't want to give away too much. "And well, I wanted
to know how long I should wait before I ask her again." Teaspoon leaned back
in his chair and contemplated the ceiling.

"There ain't no rule book Jimmy, you just gotta go by what feels right.
What's the big hurry to get married anyway, I didn't even know you were
courting anyone." He could resist teasing the boy and watching him squirm
for a quick explanation.

"Well, I ain't in no particular hurry, well I wasn't until...? well hell
Teaspoon, do I really need to tell you my reasons." Jimmy demanded.

"No, no of course not. But tell me something," he said leaning close to
Jimmy. "You ain't got this girl in trouble have you?" He asked, feigning
ignorance. Jimmy felt his face flame with embarrassment, and again wondered
how much Teaspoon knew.

"No! I have not," Jimmy's temper was on the verge of exploding until he saw
the familiar look in Teaspoon's eye, and he knew the older man was teasing
him.

"Look son, the only real advice I can give you is do what you think is best,
not what you think is right, do you see what I'm saying?" Jimmy nodded,
although he wasn't sure that he did.

"Thanks Teaspoon." he said getting to his feet. "I guess I should be getting
back to work."

Teaspoon shook his head as he watched the young man walk back towards the
station, he knew Lou could be stubborn at times, to much so for her own good
usually, so he knew Jimmy would have a fight on his hands trying to convince
her to marry him.

Back at the station Rachel and Lou were sitting out on the porch swing deep
in discussion.

"I just don't believe he asked me to marry him!" Lou stated for about the
tenth time. "I mean that's the sort of thing I would have expected from Kid,
doing the 'right thing'."

"I think you need to think about this Lou, very carefully." Rachel said
softly.

"So you're telling me I should marry him?"

"I can't tell you what to do, you have to do what you think is best. But I
do think that there is something you have to face Louise, it's a man's world
and if you don't have one by your side when that baby's born...? well people
have long memories when it comes to that sort of thing." Rachel spoke softly
but her words were clear. "I know you've been through a lot the last few
days, but it is something you have to think about."

"I just don't think I can make a decision like this that quickly. I said no
to Kid and I was in love with him, how can I agree to marry Jimmy because
I'm pregnant?"

"Because you're pregnant. That's why you have to make this decision
quickly."

"But is it fair to bring a child into a family of...?of convenience, a
family without love?"

"Love can grow between people who have something that bonds them together,
like a child."

"It's not his child! Why would he want a child that isn't his? How could he
honestly raise it and love it as his own, when it isn't?" Louise demanded.

"Jimmy has a good heart, you know that Lou."

Lou nodded slowly, now more confused than ever, a few days ago she had
thought her life couldn't get anymore complicated - how wrong could she be.

She was startled by the unexpected motion of the swing as Rachel stood
suddenly, she looked up and saw Jimmy standing by the gate. Lou suppressed a
sigh as Rachel motioned for him to join them on the porch.

"Why don't you two talk in the parlor where you can have more privacy." She
suggested, sending Lou a 'behave' look.

As Rachel closed the parlor door behind her Jimmy stood awkwardly in the
middle of the room, Lou stood by the window looking out over the yard.

"Lou...? I meant what I said, I want to marry you. I'll admit I hadn't
thought about it much when I asked you, but I have now."

"A whole hour of thinking, well I'm glad you've thought everything through."
Lou snapped.

"Why are you being like this? I would have thought you'd be...?"

"I'd be what? Grateful? You thought I'd leap into your arms praising the day
that you asked me to marry you?!" She finished for him, Jimmy tried to
defend himself but her voice rose cutting him off. "And why should I be
grateful? Because I'm pregnant? Poor Lou, Jimmy better ride in an save me
cause God knows I can't look after myself." She stopped ranting, out of
words and slightly out of breath. Jimmy looked at her in silence for a
moment before exploding himself.

"Why are you being so stubborn! You know people got names for babies without
fathers Lou, not very nice names. They got names for their mothers too."

Lou felt as if she'd been punched, she could not have been more shocked if
he had hit her.

"Is that what you think of me Jimmy? That's what you think I am?" she asked
struggling to suppress the hurt she felt, "Well that's just fine, from now
on if you see me coming you stay out of my way. After all you wouldn't want
your perfect reputation tarnished by the likes of me." And with that she
stormed out of the room, slamming the door so hard that the pictures on the
wall jumped. Her feet pounded on the stairs and a moment later there was an
echoing slam of her bedroom door. Jimmy sank into a chair and dropped his
head into his hands, the moment he'd said the words he had wanted to take
them back. Sometimes he wondered why he didn't just cut out his tongue, it
would certainly save himself a lot of trouble. He looked up as Rachel burst
in.

"What happened?" She demanded, she had thought about going after Lou, but
figured it would be easier to get the story out of Jimmy.

"Oh Jimmy, you didn't?" Rachel gasped, as Jimmy finished retelling the
latest events.

"I didn't mean to Rachel, that's not what I think. I mean I don't think
she's a ...? I was just trying to make her see that its not going to be easy
if she's on her own. I didn't even realize what I'd said until I'd said it.
I didn't mean to hurt her, honest." He said, almost pleading with Rachel to
understand. Rachel nodded and sighed.

"I know, and I'm sure Louise knows it too, or she will when she calms down.
It's just that she's had a lot thrown at her the last couple of days, first
Kid getting engaged then finding out about the baby, and then Kid getting
married. She just needs time to think things through and get it all sorted
out in her mind, and when she does...?" Rachel trailed off, having no idea
what would happen then. "Just give her some time and I'm sure she'll forgive
you."

"You didn't see her Rachel, I don't think any of us have got that long to
wait. I know she's confused and upset over Kid and I know she still loves
him, but he can't help her now. I didn't mean to hurt her, I wouldn't hurt
her for anything in the world."

Rachel heard the love in his voice and knew he was speaking directly from
his heart, whether he was ready to admit these feelings to himself, or to
Lou, Rachel didn't know. But she did know what she heard, Jimmy loved her.

"I know you didn't mean it, give Lou some time and she'll know it too."
Jimmy nodded and got to his feet, on his way back to the bunk house he
thought over the advice he had received that day. Not a damn word of it had
seemed to help.

"Hey Jimmy, how's Lou doin'?" Noah asked as Jimmy slumped down at the table.

"I guess she'll be okay." Jimmy looked at his friends wondering how to ask
their advice without making them suspicious of his intentions. Noah looked
up from cleaning his gun and smiled.

"Yeah, Lou's pretty tough, I guess she can handle just about anything. By
the way Teaspoon asked me to make a delivery to Willow Creek, but I told him
you wanted to take it for me...? After all you do owe me one." Jimmy sighed,
this was just what he needed.

"When do I leave?" He asked wearily. Before Noah could answer Cody jumped up
from the table waving a piece of paper in the air.

"Would you two mind keeping it down, I'm working on something important
here."

"What is it?" Noah asked, making a grab for the paper. "Wouldn't be a story
would it?"

"No!" Cody responded indignantly. "I learned my lesson, this happens to be a
love letter to the most beautiful girl in town. Girls can't resist mushy
stuff like that." He said knowledgeably. Jimmy looked up, Cody had just
answered his question without him having to ask it.

"You got anymore of that paper?" He asked offhandedly, Cody slid a pile
towards him.

"Here you go, why?" Jimmy shrugged.

"Jimmy's got a girlfriend, Jimmy's got a girlfriend." Cody sang. Jimmy
picked up a few sheets of paper, took the pen out of Cody's hand and
retreated to his bunk. If he had to go away for a few days he didn't want
Lou hating him the whole time he was gone. He knew what he wanted to say to
her, but somehow when it came to writing it down it just sounded false. He
thought carefully agonizing over every word, the scowl on his face stopping
the others asking for an explanation. Finally after much thought, a string
of muttered curses, more thought and two shredded sheets of paper, he held
up the finished product, folded it carefully and slipped it into his pocket.

Louise lay on her bed staring at the ceiling. How could he? How could he be
so deliberately hurtful and cruel. Jimmy of all people? He had always been
so good to her, always believed in her. he had never questioned her ability
to look after herself or anyone else for that matter. They had always been
friends, been able to talk about anything. Her mind wandered to the evening
they had spent in Willow Springs, sharing a meal, just the two of them, and
then dancing together in the street, it had been so special. She had gotten
to see a side of him that few people saw. The next morning after he had
rescued her, he simply held her as she cried, she had felt so safe, so
protected. These thoughts led her to remember another time she had been in
Jimmy's arms. That night by the fire as he kissed her, she had felt anything
but safe. The memory of that moment took over her mind, just as Jimmy's kiss
had taken over her senses. She could almost feel his strong arms around her
still, his mouth on hers, demanding and passionate...? Then it was gone, the
moment broken by a soft knock at the door. Lou ignored it, hoping Rachel
wouldn't persist. There was a soft rustle at the door, Lou turned her head
and saw a piece of paper slide under the door. She stared at it for a moment
wondering what it was until her curiosity got the better of her. She stood
up and crossed the room, picking up the paper and then returning to sit on
the edge of the bed looking at the paper a few moments longer before reading
it.

Dear Louise,
I know I handled things badly today and for that I am sorry.
But I did mean what I said, I would be honored to marry you,
if you would have me. I know I have nothing to offer you,
I am only an express rider with a bad reputation.
But I would honor and protect you and do my best
to make you happy. You have no reason to accept my proposal,
except that a child needs a father and it's mother needs a husband.
I know you do not love me but we are good friends and marriages
have been built on less. I respect you and care for you a great deal
and I would never hurt you. If this letter has, I am sorry,
it was not my meaning.
Sincerely,
James Hickok

Lou read the letter through once and then twice more before carefully
folding it and slipping it into her pocket. From the top of the stairs she
could hear voices from the kitchen and quietly made her way in that
direction. Her mind was curiously blank as she moved down the stairs, she
felt almost as if she were outside her own body watching these events
unfolding. She snapped back into herself and realized she was at the kitchen
door, her hand resting on the door handle, she shook her head , took a deep
breath and pushed the door open.

Rachel, who had fallen silent the second she had seen the door begin to
move, was on her feet and already half way across the room before Lou was
over the threshold.

"I'll give you two some privacy, I'll just be...? somewhere else."

Jimmy too was on his feet, and moved to pull out a chair for Lou, he wait
for her to speak first but she merely sat across the table from him,
watching him closely.

"Lou I'm sorry about what I said, the second it was out I wanted it back. I
didn't mean to upset you." He said, figuring it was best to apologize first.

"I know you didn't mean it, even when I was screaming at you I knew it. I
guess I'm still hoping this is all some strange dream. Nothing seems to make
sense anymore, including you. Why would you do this for me, it's not your
child." Lou looked at him, her eyes wide, hoping he would have an answer
that would take away her fears

"If you married me she would be." Jimmy answered simply. "In every way, but
one, and that one thing doesn't matter."

"But Jimmy, I ...? Did you say she? No wait, we're getting away from the
subject. Why are you doing this for me?"

"It's not just for you. All my life I've had this idea of how my life is
going to turn out, it's not that I've never wanted a family, I just always
thought it was ...? I don't know, my destiny to be alone - no family, no
real home. This is my chance to change that." Lou nodded in understanding,
there had always been something in Jimmy that Kept him at a distance from
people, kept him from being completely open to those he cared about. She had
thought that he avoided forming close relationships with others because of
"Wild Bill", not wanting people to get hurt if someone came after him. But
now she realized it was simply the way he was, keeping people at arms
length, standing outside looking in, but he was asking her to help him
change, asking her to be the family he was never sure he deserved.

"Alright Jimmy." She said quietly.

"Wait, if you're going to say yes, I should do this properly." He stood and
moved round the table, when he stood in front of her he dropped to one knee
and took her hand. "Louise will you be my wife?"

"Yes, Jimmy, I'll marry you."

To be continued...