Writings of Xander Harris 
by Adam 

It was my all-encompassing love for him that finally 
did it 

A love that was so strong and pure that everything 
else was dead in comparison. 

I hope you’re getting all these ‘funny’ little 
descriptions. How my life with a Vampire could have 
‘pure’ anything, or how everything else was dead in 
comparison, except my love, who, was himself dead. 

Confused yet? Well it is my journal you know. I’m not 
Willow after all. 

I’m Xander until the end huh? Starting a journal at 
the end of my life. I just wanted…wanted to leave 
something. Something that proved Xander Harris was 
here and that I haven’t just lived and died on this 
Earth. 

Spike. My Spike will live on and that’s all that 
matters. He’s my everything…soppy words for one of the 
Scooby gang but it’s the truth. 

We got together after a particularly ugly Demon had 
attacked us and I nearly died. Spike was strangely 
concerned about me, we talked a little….yes in my 
basement, and then our friendship grew. 

I know what you want now. You want me to say…’It all 
started one night…’ and go into all the sex, and angst 
that was our relationship. I am not going to do that, 
but I can’t speak for Spike. If you know how blunt 
Spike is he won’t leave any details out. 

Anyway, if I’ve confused you enough, because I know 
I’ve confused myself I’m gonna get back to the 
dramatic start that begins this journal. 

I’ve always believed that in life, you live until 
you’ve accomplished everything. Unless you live on the 
Hell-mouth and get eaten, chewed up or sucked dry. 
Ignoring the everyday accidents, murders and suicides 
I think life will go on until everything in your life 
has been done. 

Very few people will know real love. Even fewer people 
who find this real love will hold onto it. The rare 
few who find and can keep hold of this love will enjoy 
happiness beyond comprehension. You’ll still fight, 
still cry, still feel pain but the love you will feel 
make everything worth it. 

Spike and I have this...had this? After we got 
together our lives were rich and full. Spike still 
tormented Buffy, picked on Willow, irritated Giles but 
things were different. 

I remember one time... 

“Spike…come get your blood! It’s clotting and I’m 
trying to get dinner done!” I yelled as I looked 
passively towards the ‘Mr Sunshine’ mug filled with 
blood. 

A grunt was the only response I got. 

//Typical// I thought. 

“Spike, if you don’t come in here now you can just 
kiss goodbye to you’re A’ positive and say hello to 
rodent juice!” I yelled once more. 

I did this nearly everyday. He hated anything besides 
human A’pos blood after I bought it especially for 
him. I spoiled him on it…sometimes tried to pour some 
chocolate drops in it for him. What did he do? He went 
all Vamp and told me I shouldn’t play with his food! 

HA! 

It’s okay to mix Weetabix with his blood, or Digestive 
biscuits, or Banana slices but try something a little 
more romantic and he gives me that ‘Be scared I’m a 
killer face’ 

“WHATEVER!” Is all I can say. 


I know I should be scared, but after I’ve seen ‘said’ 
face attempting to suck my brains through my cock, and 
playing games with our Labrador puppy, Cooper it’s 
pretty difficult to even keep a straight face when he 
tries to be mean. 

We got the chip out of him. Only seconds after he 
realised he could bite he was claiming me. Claiming me 
in front of Willow, Buffy, Giles, Anya, Riley, and I 
couldn’t be embarrassed. I felt nothing to be 
embarrassed about. He was showing everyone how much he 
cared for me. 

You may be thinking why the hell did he still drink 
out of bags? Well, it may sound soppy again but after 
drinking from me that first time he said he never 
wanted to bite and drink from anyone else. He’d drink 
human blood still, but from bags. 

Anyway, I’ve just got off course. I just want to tell 
you everything about our lives together but this is a 
journal not a novel. 

Our sex was wild, and rough, gentle and sweet. He 
surprised me, excited me, taught me how to please him 
and it was all so perfect. 

That was until it happened. I wished I could put a 
drum role here but you get what I mean. 

I was coming home alone one night and the time for my 
life to end was almost upon me. Just because I said 
you had to do everything in your life before you die 
it doesn’t mean you will die warm and cosy in your 
sleep. 

I was attacked, a group of Vampires that hated me for 
been with one of their kind and Spike for fighting 
against his kind. I was the obvious weak link of the 
two and coming home alone was a pretty stupid thing to 
do, but I was walking quickly. I’d gone through these 
streets a thousand times before. 

If I’d only called Spike like he’d asked me 
too...maybe things would have been different. 

I didn’t though and that’s why what happened, 
happened. I didn’t get bitten...didn’t get tore limb 
from limb. The Vampires were just there to make sure I 
stayed out in the open a little while longer. 

A Co’vren Demon was in the midst of all of this. He, 
she…it whatever you wanna see it as pointed some weird 
green/yellow stick thing at me said some words only 
Giles could decipher and then I felt drained. Empty. 

The Demon and Vampires disappeared moments later. I 
walked...or more like crawled the rest of the way 
home. A feverish sweat was taking away the last 
reserves of energy that remained and when I finally 
got there. When I finally looked into my loves eye’s I 
saw that the big life I had planned had been taken 
from me. 

“Spike!” I groaned out from a pain that was burning 
within me. My voice was scratchy and my eye’s 
bloodshot. 

He carried me to the bed, remaining silent as he did 
this. He kissed my forehead, my cheeks, and my 
lips...so cool against my burning heat. 

“I love you Spike!” 

I love you…those words can cause so much pain…so much 
hurt...so much passion...so much joy. I never thought 
I’d ever go into so much description of love, but it 
hits us all in different ways. 

I was still living the next day...Giles, Buffy and the 
rest of the guys had come over that night. All were 
running around trying to find anything...spell, 
prophecy, demon that may be able to help me. 

I think Buffy went to beat Willy up three or four 
times that night. After the second time I think she 
just wanted something to do. 

Willow did spells as she cried. Continuing to look at 
me, checking to see if I was okay…or maybe still 
alive. 

Spike was with me in bed. His cool body an anchor to 
this world. Keeping me locked within this world. He 
was my reason for living, and once the cord between us 
was cut my reason for dying. 

“Had your supper?” I remember asking him, looking into 
his icy depths trying to gauge some of the humour that 
was always there. Well, except for that night. 

I watched a single tear fall down his face at my 
comment, and instantly regretted it. I think it was at 
that point that we both realised I wouldn’t be there 
anymore. 

I wouldn’t be there to yell at him to get his blood 
before it started clotting. Wouldn’t be there to 
snuggle with him at night or have some fun in the 
mornings. I wouldn’t be there to...well you get the 
picture. 

We spent a night alone in ‘our’ room. Kissing, 
snuggling. Attempting to forget that my time was 
growing shorter every second. 

We didn’t tell each other how much we loved each 
other. We didn’t need to. A look... a mere touch was 
enough. 

And so, two days later here I am. 

Alive and well, yes. 

I know what’s happening. What’s happening is what I 
would be thinking too. You’re all thinking...all that 
build up and still alive and well? 

The simple explanation to that...better write it 
quick, I’m getting sleepy. I’m feeling so light 
headed...the reason is... 

The End.