Never Cage a Viking
by Kaz
CLANG!!!
Sitting down, back against the wall, Xander cast another murderous look at his companion.
Spike was patting his jacket down, obviously hoping someone had missed a cigarette or two. Scowling darkly, the vampire stomped over to the other bunk before making himself comfortable.
"Bastards," he hissed. "They took all me bloomin' smokes."
"That's it?" Xander was aghast at the vampires attitude. "We're in *jail* and all you can whinge about it is they took your cigarettes?"
Spike sniffed audibly as he fluffed up a pillow that resembled road kill before saying. "I didn't mention the bottle of JD because it was almost empty. I hope the thieving pillocks choke on it," he added venomously.
Face momentarily lit up at the thought, Spike realised what he had said, knew he couldn't be that lucky and scowled. "Assuming the dopey sods can figure out how to open the lid, but I wouldn't count on it."
Xander stared at his lover, amazed at the total lack of anxiety, then slowly started to bang the back of his head against the bars. It was strangely relaxing.
"If you get stuck I'll leave you there until we get sprung," came the threat.
"And *thank* you for mentioning that," Xander snarled, sarcasm dripping from every word. "I'm sooo looking forward to Giles turning up."
Spike sat up abruptly and appeared genuinely puzzled. "What's got your panties in such a twist?"
"Let me count the ways," Xander ticked the items off on his fingers. "One: Assaulting police."
Spike laughed wickedly. "Still pretty pissed off about that PCP comment aren't they? Makes me wonder if I wasn't right after all."
"I said *assaulting* not *insulting*," Xander almost grinned before he remembered that he was still shitty. He made his face stern as he continued. "Two: Carrying a deadly weapon."
Blue eyes honed in on Xander's crotch. "Can't fault them with that one."
{{Blushing when you're delivering a reprimand *totally* ruins the effect}} Xander thought. "Th..,thre..,three," he managed to grind out half heartedly. " Escaping custody."
A blond head nodded in agreement, Spike then blew Xander's hopes he was finally getting through by saying happily. "And a bloody good time I had too. Can't say I've ever screwed in a tree house before." Curious eyes fixed on Xander as Spike asked. "By the way, where did you put those handcuffs, pet? If you've lost 'em we might see if we can nick another pair while we're here."
"AAAAARRGH!!"
**********
{{ Xanpet's absolutely delicious when he sulks. His bottom lip does this pout thing, makes me want to nibble.}}
Spike flicked his gaze at Xander, who was still resolutely staring at the wall. Then he let his eyes roam around the other cells; {{One drunk,}} he noted. {{Who has *no* bleedin' idea how lucky 'e was to get picked up}}. Other than that, he and Xander were alone.
Thin lips curved into a smile.
{{Pouty Nummy + Bored Spike = Sex!! HA! Einstein eat your bloody heart out.}}
He moved silently across the cell, sat down behind Xander then wrapped his arms around his lover.
Who knew him all too well. Xander's head whipped round and he snapped. "*Don't you *dare*. N.O."
Spike wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. "Never done it in a jail cell either, luv." He paused, then whined in a mock tone. "I think you're turning me into an exhibitionist."
Brown eyes rolled in disgust. "Oh, *pleeease!"
"If you insist," Spike chortled, trailing a hand down Xander's body before bringing it to rest on a *very* interested appendage. "See, pet? Guess I'm not the only one who's bored and horny."
"Spiiike! We aren't alone," Xander hissed.
But the vampire noticed the increased smell of arousal. The way the blood rushed through Xander's body and *especially* how the object of his attention was thrust almost involuntary into his hand.
It took very little effort to spin Xander round. Spike pressed himself against the warm body, re-acquainted himself with that bottom lip and before he could say 'kill the Slayer' had a pliable Xander underneath him.
Spike practically ripped the jeans off, Xander signalled his objection to the whole situation by raising his hips obligingly.
{{Love the way you say no, pet.}}
Not one for wasting time, and firmly convinced that the wankers running this place would meander in at any moment to wreck his fun. Spike swooped without hesitation.
"Niiiice," Xander moaned.
He let his mouth remain at the head of Xander's cock. Barely covering the glistening tip, then swirled his tongue, savouring the taste.
{{Love the taste of you, pet. Sweet, with just a touch of... gingernut? Been raiding the cookies again, hmmmm? Naughty nummy. Spike will just have to punish you.}}
Vampire strength kept hips firmly down as Spike removed his mouth and lightly kissed muscular inner thighs. He carefully avoided any contact with the hard member despite the silent urging of Xander's hands.
"You shit."
Spike raised his head and scolded, "I *could* take all the time I want. The cops *could* walk in on us before I'm finished. Shall we keep talking or shall we get down to business?"
The mere mention of being caught and Xander's panic was almost palpable. His lovers acute embarrassment concerning some of their sexual exploits was rather endearing, except when Spike was about to get some and Xander got all stuffy about it.
Gently cupping Xander's balls, the vampire squeezed firmly and grinned at the answering moan. {{One, two, three, fou..}}
There was a deep sigh, followed by a surly demand. "Just get on with it."
{{Heh, heh. Pet, you have the willpower of a fledgling locked in a blood bank. But you still have to be punished.}}
"Get *on* with it?" Spike said in an aggrieved tone. "Where's the romance? Where's the 'two souls coming together as one'? Where's the..."
A feral snarl erupted from Xander. "You don't *have* a soul you cock teasing bastard. And if you don't shut up and suck me *right* now, the next time you wake up will be in the middle of a football field at dawn- IN CHAINS."
Spike rubbed his cheek against Xander's stomach and blinked innocently up at the enraged human. "I love it when you get all kinky," he purred.
**********
Part Two
Xander glanced wildly about the cell desperately looking for his axe. Then almost catapulted up to the ceiling when Spike deep throated him in one mind blowing move.
"Gaaaagh."
A skilled tongue and mouth soon had him bucking. Xander slammed himself into Spike's mouth in the knowledge that he could do the vampire no harm - and that his partner enjoyed it immeasurably.
Familar tightness coiled in his balls. In the belief that the Sunnydale police were deaf and dumb to everything going on around them; except in matters concerning he and Spike. Xander frantically grabbed one of Spike's hands and thrust it into his own mouth. He bit down hard to stifle his scream as he came.
As per usual, Spike continued to lick and suck until all traces of cum had vanished. Xander waited impatiently for his second favourite part. Sure enough, Spike swooped on his mouth and the delicious taste of blood and cum mingled as they kissed.
{{Nothing. Absolutely nothing, can suck cock like a vampire. God!! I love the way he tastes...and I just thought blood tasted good. Eeewwww.}}
Coasting along in post-orgasmic haze, Xander detected the slight pumping motion of Spike's hips and grinned. {{Hmmmm, but I love the taste of something better...}}
********
Spike tried to shake the kaliedoscope of colors still spinning in his head after being sucked dry by a now sleepy, sated Xander.
The grate of metal and squeal of unoiled hinges as an outer door opened alerted the vampire that company was coming. His eyes narrowed as he watched six police battle to bring in three 'pissed as a newt' bikers and...{{Ooooh, fuck!}}
Xander stirred in his arms and blinked his eyes open. "What?"
Spike sat up abruptly, dragging Xander with him. "Wakey, wakey, luv. Things are about to get interesting."
The mortal turned to view the commotion and tensed. "Spike? Isn't that the demon whose head you put through the T.V set at Willie's a couple of months ago?"
A low rumbling growl. "Yep."
Despite the black cap hiding the horns and pointed ears, it was definitely the same pillock who refused to let Spike watch his beloved Manchester United on the telly.
{{Bloody shame his eye grew back. Just once I'd like a friggin' demon to stay apart when I rip 'em to pieces.}}
The cops were all set to put the new crowd into another cell until one of them spied Xander and Spike. He sneered as he saw them wrapped in each others arms, hair mussed and clothes not exactly put back on correctly.
Spike snarled. {{C'mon you useless piece of shit. I dare you.}}
The cop dared.
Echoes of laughter and ribald comments bounced off cement walls as the prisoners were left alone.
The demon stayed by the door, he'd already recognised Spike and was just waiting for an opportunity to strike. The bikers hadn't quite realised where they were yet and kept yelling for more beer. That would change soon enough.
{{Ah well. Better get this over with...}}
Spike stretched lazily before he began to play with Xander's hair. Concerned brown eyes met his own.
"Spike," Xander whispered urgently. "Three *humans*. Don't do anything to get yourself hurt."
"You can take 'em, pet."
"I *can*?" Xander's voice rose in disbelief. "What if I don't *want* to take them? What if I want a pizza with extra peperoni and cheese instead?"
Spike patted Xander's shoulder in reassurance. "I'll buy you *two* pizza's when we get out of here. How about that?"
"Fat lot of good that will do me if I have no teeth," Xander huffed.
"You stupid git," Spike snapped. "You've been fighting vampires and demons for bloody years now..."
"...and have the scars to prove it."
Spike used pale fingers to sooth Xander by rubbing the scar at the boys temple. "Yesss, the scars. Which means you're still alive. Which means you've fought creatures ten times stronger than you and lived to walked away..."
"....limped away on a shattered ego was more like it."
The vampire played his trump card. "But not recently."
Xander stared wide eyed in surprise. "Weeell, no." Spike kept one eye on the demon and bikers as he watched Xander finally acknowledge the changes.
Face screwed up as he thought about it, Xander's whole demeanour changed. He grinned. "I've kicked ass. I've whupped *major* butt," he crowed.
"Then why should it change just because their human?" Spike asked.
As Xander grappled with the distinction or lack thereof, a slurred voice interrupted.
"I was wonderin' who fucked who," came the insult.
Spike stared indifferently over at the biker and sneered. "And I'd guessed that you were the silent one, mate. But it looks like you're the dopey prick without a brain. At least I know who and what I'm fucking. Must be bloody painful waking up in the morning with a burnt cock."
It took the Neanderthal almost a minute to work out Spike had just insinuated that he was shagging his own motorcycle.
{{Tosser}}
The bikers bloodshot eyes narrowed and with a dull roar he charged.
{{Usually we 'ave a fight and then shag,}} Spike mused. {{It's nice to mix things up a bit.}}
Without hesitation and like a well drilled team, Xander and Spike split up. Spike and the demon were a blur as they clashed like runaway locomotives. The vampire heard a scream of pain as Xander sent the first bikers nuts on a trip up into his lungs.
As Spike rammed the demons head up against the bars he hummed. {{And a good time is being had by all.}}
******
When Giles arrived at the police station it was utter chaos. He eyed the two ambulances waiting outside with trepidation then hurried into the building.
After trying to get someone's attention and failing miserably, he watched in alarm as three severely battered and bruised bodies were carried out one at a time. He sighed with relief that Xander was not amongst them.
A distinctive voice snarled behind him. "You took your own sweet fuckin' time to get 'ere. What were you doin? Trying to work out if Slutty 'ad one brain cell or two?"
"Spike!!" Giles glanced around. "Where's Xa..."
"Right here G-man," Xander popped up from beneath a table.
Giles was distracted as an officer ran past carrying a chainsaw. It was all rather strange. Yet as he faced the two dishevelled figures in front of him, Giles couldn't help but have a horrible feeling.
"Right, let's get out of 'ere. I've 'ad enough of this place," Spike spat and exited swiftly through the doors, Xander right behind him.
Scurrying to catch up, the Watcher sought some answers. "But, but..I thought I was needed to bail you two out? Or clear up some misunderstanding about those false charges?"
"No need," came Spike's airy reply. "They let us go right after the brawl."
"They did?" Xander sounded uncertain. Giles noticed a pointed glare from Spike and Xander nodded emphatically. "Oh, yeah. They did."
Watchers may not have Slayer senses but Giles had alarm bells of his own. They were ringing loudly. "Where were you two when this fight started?"
Spike cut off Xander's reply. "In the next cell. Bloody lucky we were. It wasn't pretty I can tell you. It did get interesting when that other bloke got his head stuck between the bars though."
Giles stopped. "In the bars?"
"That's what they needed the chainsaw for," Xander confidently informed him.
"Oh dear."
Xander was nodding again. "They let us go right after that. There was a lot of running around and stuff. The cops were really wigging out big time trying to figure out who started it and everything."
"I don't see why," Giles replied. "I'm sure the video camera recorded the whole thing. Do you want a lift home Xander?"
Giles was startled at just how pale Xander was. {{Good Lord! The boy is shaking. The fight must have been horrendous.}}
Spike had continued walking and was rapidly disappearing into the night. In fact, he seemed to have picked up speed. Giles dismissed the vampire and turned his attention back to Xander.
"V..vid..video camera?" Xander gasped.
Giles hastened to explain. "All cells are monitored by video camera. Never had them in my day though." Giles suddenly realised what he'd said and what he'd just admitted to. {{Bugger}}
One harried glance at Xander and he relaxed. {{Clearly the boy is too shaken up to notice. Thank goodness.}}
***********
Spike looked up from his watch as the steel door was slammed open and Xander stormed down the stairs.
"Fifteen minutes, luv. I'm impressed," he said cheerfully.
"Don't you *luv* me, you pile of ash," Xander yelled. "You *knew* there was a video camera. You sick bastard!! You fucking *knew*!!!"
Keeping a safe distance, Spike replied. " Now, pet. I did warn that you were turning me into an exhibitionist. Didn't I?"
He ducked and barely avoided the axe as it sunk into the wall an inch from his ear.
"Oi!! Take chunks out of your own bloody wall," he growled. Spike checked to make sure his ear was still attached, then looked at the axe in admiration. "You're getting very good at that, Xander. Have you been practising?"
"I'm going to practice gutting you like a *fish*," Xander screamed.
Spike skipped out of the way and let Xander attempt to remove the axe from the wall. It seemed safer at the moment.
When the sound of falling plaster signalled that the axe had been removed, Spike hit the play button.
Xander froze. His head swivelled back and forth between the T.V. and Spike.
"Stole it while you were down in the evidence room getting your axe," Spike gloated.
The axe slowly dropped in Xander's hand as the boy watched the flickering images on the screen. Finally, he said. "You. Are. A. Bastard."
Spike held up the handcuffs and dangled them invitingly. "Get it right, pet. I'm a thieving bastard. Wanna play?"
THE END
