Decisions 

by Kylia

By the time Xander makes it back up to the office, his breathing has slowed, and his mind has escaped that hazy place long enough for him to realize that he is alone. Angel's office was empty, alerting him to the fact that Faith and Willow have left, for where he wasn't exactly sure.

Xander flopped down on the couch for a moment, his head in his hands. He wasn't sure what had come over him, or Spike for that matter. What had possessed him to allow Spike to kiss him? What had possessed Spike to kiss him? He didn't know, and was more than slightly afraid to find out.

The feelings he was having were new, and confusing. He'd never felt so... lost before. Like if he moved too far in any direction, he'd fall, and continue to fall until he crashed and burned. This... feeling was unlike anything he'd experienced before. Not With Anya, or Cordelia. Not even with Willow or Buffy. He wasn't sure if that was because the others were all girls, and Spike was a guy, or a vamp, or both. But even as his mind asked these questions, he knew that Spike's vampire status, or the fact that he was a guy had nothing to do with his emerging feelings. And that's just what they were. Xander recognized that what he was feeling wasn't new. It wasn't a recent sensation brought about by the oddity that had become his life this past month. Nor was it a case of him pouring his frustration over his life into something that wasn't really there. No, Xander had to admit, if only to himself, that he had feelings for the crude, sarcastic undead creature of the night who had offered him comfort when no one else had.

However, knowing that his feelings were real, did not help him decipher the situation any. He knew his own feelings, but not Spike's. To the best of his knowledge, Spike was frustrated because of his inability to kill, and in his drunken state forgot whom he was with. That was all there was to it.

Having come to this conclusion, Xander stood up and made his way out of the office. Not having time to get a place to stay, Xander made his way towards Cordelia's apartment, hoping he could crash on her couch for the night.
***** 

Spike knew the moment Xander had left the building. It was as if his entire body was attuned to the mortal's presence, and it felt the loss wholly. Even through the lingering haze the alcohol had caused he realized he had made a mistake. Kissing Xander was probably the single most stupid thing he had done since returning to Sunnydale.

It wasn't that he hadn't wanted to kiss the boy, because the truth was, he had thought of little else since that night nearly a month ago. Xander had haunted his days until he couldn't think of anything else unless it directly related to the dark-haired boy.

The fact that he was aware of, and accepted these feelings, on served to aggravate him further. He was over one hundred years old, and a demon to boot. An evil, creature of the night. He couldn't possibly be in lo... no in lust with Xander. It just wasn't possible..

If that was true, then why did he feel as though part of his very being had been torn free from his body as the boy walked out the door? Why did he feel so utterly lost when consumed by the knowledge that he would most likely never see him again, or if he did, he would never look at him the same way?

Some part of Spike's brain acknowledged the fact that Xander knew what he was doing, and didn't stop it, but that part of his mind clung to the belief that the boy had not been thinking clearly. He was confused, or shocked, or some other reason that would explain why he would *choose* to kiss a soulless killer.

The answer that made the most sense was too much too hope for, therefore it remained tucked safely in a place where the acting portions of Spikes mind could not reach it.
***** 

Angel heard the knock at he door and frowned. Looking at the clock, her cursed to himself. It wasn't that it was incredibly late but that he wasn't expecting anyone. And anytime they had unexpected visitors, it usually meant something bad was going to happen. Climbing out of bed, Angel walked out to the front door. 

"Xander?" Angel asked in confusion as he stepped aside, allowing the boy entrance. "What's wrong?"

Xander walked into the living room and slumped onto the couch. He didn't want to talk to anyone at the moment, but he'd had no where else to go, and staying at the office wasn't an option.

Angel sat down across from him. "What is it? Did something happen with Spike?" He asked quietly putting a hand on the younger man's shoulder.

Xander looked up at him in surprise, but then looked back down to the floor. 

Angel looked up when Cordelia entered the living room, rubbing her eyes. "What's going on?" She asked groggily.

Angel shrugged as he stood up and walked past her into the bedroom. After a minute, he came back, fully dressed. "I'm going out." He kissed her chastely on the cheek before leaving the apartment.

Once he was gone, Cordelia sat on the couch next to her ex-boyfriend. "You want to talk about it?"

Xander started to shake his head, but then realized that he should, if for no other reason than to remove the concerned look on Cordelia's face.

"He kissed me." He whispered. 

Cordelia looked up sharply for a second. Not because of the statement, but because of her confusion over whom the 'he' was. Once her brain caught up with itself. She nodded. "Ah, Spike."

"Yeah, Spike." Xander nodded. 

"And?" She asked, waiting for the traumatic part. 

"And what?" Xander asked. "He *kissed* me." He reiterated. 

"I know. I heard you the first time. What's the problem? You didn't like it? He's a lousy kisser?" She asked.

Xander turned to look incredulously at her. "He's... Spike." 

Cordelia waved her hand in the air. "Pft. That's not what's bothering you, and you know it. What did he make some rude comment afterwards? 'Cause you know that's just Spike..." She trailed off when Xander shook his head. "Then what? What did he say to upset you?" She crinkled her brow in confusion.

"Nothing." Xander's tone was dejected. 

"Nothing? He just kissed you and what... walked away?" She asked, growing slightly irritated.

"Not exactly." Xander looked up at her. "I was the one who left." 
***** 

"And you just let him walk out of here?" Angel asked, confused. It was unlike his childe to just let someone he cared about walk out of his life, without even a struggle.

Spike scowled. "What was I supposed to do? Chain him to the bloody bed? Yeah that would show 'im, wouldn't it, Peaches?"

Angel groaned. "No, you might have tried talking to him." 

Spike looked up at Angel as if the thought had never occurred to him. "And tell 'im what?"

Angel stared long and hard at his childe before speaking. "That's something you're going to have to figure out on your own."

Spike snorted. "You're a real help here, pops." 

Angel shook his head. "Get some sleep. I'll have Delia bring him over tomorrow." He started to walk towards the door before he stopped.

"William?" 

"What?" Spike snapped. He hated it when Angel called him that. It brought back members that were better off dead and buried.

"This won't go away. If you want to walk away from this, at least be honest about why."

Angel left before Spike could fully comprehend the meaning behind his Sire's words. He leaned back into the cushion on the futon and closed his eyes, willing sleep to claim him.
*****

TBC