Forget

by Kylia

Silence. It was deafening really. Xander had never noticed how completely silent it was. He had never thought about the silence, now he thought of little else. He had drowned himself in the silence, and was now having trouble remembering what sound was like. But not just any sound. The swish of a leather duster as it moved surrounding a lean body. The sound of smoke being exhaled through dead lungs. The familiar accent as it wafted through his senses like a tangible thing.

But sound wasn't the only thing haunting him. Xander could still smell his very essence in his basement. The scent forever etched into the bedding from the one night they had slept in the same bed. The feel of being surrounded by his cool arms while he cried himself to sleep.

The night itself wasn't a pleasant memory, and yet, it was all he could do not to want it back. Something had happened that night. Something he couldn't explain, and didn't want to understand. It was only after suffering three weeks of the excruciating silence that he realized he had lost something. He wasn't even sure what, or if it had even been something he had had to begin with, but either way it was gone now.

It had been three weeks since he had come home from the park to find Spike gone. Not that that was surprising. That was in fact why he stayed away long after he had been fired from his last job. He wanted Spike to leave, didn't he? That's what he had thought at the time, but now he wasn't so sure. Although to be perfectly honest, he wasn't sure about anything.

Xander lay back on the bed, and found himself, once again, staring at the ceiling, as if it had the answers he sought. It didn't, but he had yet to ask a question. He wasn't even sure where to begin. He felt lost. Completely and totally lost. The weeks had gone by at an agonizingly slow pace. He had only left his basement three times, and then only when Willow had physically dragged him away.

Each day that passed drove him deeper and deeper into his depression. His mind kept replaying his life over and over like some horrendous movie caught in a feedback loop. At night, when he finally fell asleep, the dream would come again. And although he knew he shouldn't be dreaming it, he did nonetheless. It didn't matter that the dream had only the first time because of that spell he had helped Willow and Giles to cast. It didn't matter that the dream was so riddled with inconsistencies that he was surprised that could make any sense of it. But then, that was the problem wasn't? He was making too much sense of it.

He could still feel his confusion as he found himself staring at another version of himself. The panic he had felt when he couldn't understand Anya and Giles. The irritation when Snyder told him what he was. The resignation he felt as he father spoke down to him, again. They all flitted through his mind at an alarming rate, until each thing wasn't as separate as they first appeared. Even his minds bizarre ability to put the women in his life in odd roles was starting to make sense. It wasn't a kind of sense he was ready to deal with just yet, but it was there all the same.

A heavy pounding at the door brought Xander out of his dour thoughts. He looked at the clock and frowned when he saw it was only two-thirty. He didn't know why, but every time someone came to his door, which wasn't that often, he would hold out hope that it was the blonde vampire. Most times he didn't even realize what he was hoping for until after he realized it wasn't him. This time was no different.

Sighing, he stood up and made his way towards the door. Before he could reach it, however, it was swung open. Anya entered without so much as a hello. Xander groaned under his breath and turned away from his girlfriend.

"Anya."

"Xander, where have you been?" She demanded. "Willow said you were sick. Are you sick?" She looked him over closely. He looked a little tired, but not necessarily unhealthy. "You're not sick. She lied. Why did she lie?" The ex-demon crinkled her forehead in confusion and then scowled. "You don't want me anymore. You..." She trailed off.

"Anya," Xander started, unsure what to say to her.

Anya held up a hand. "It's true, isn't it?" She asked quietly.

Xander turned around to face her. There was a time when he would have vehemently denied her claims. There was a time when he would have wanted to. But that time was gone, buried under a depression he couldn't shake and feelings he couldn't grasp. And he no longer had the strength for weak excuses. He shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry." And he was.

Before Anya could so much as utter the string of curses Xander knew was at the tip of her tongue, there was another knock, followed by the door being opened again.

Willow took a look at the couple and smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry. I can... I can come back?" She asked hesitantly. She really didn't want to leave, but she had obviously walked in on something.

Anya waved the witch into the room. "Don't bother, I was just leaving." Anya left somewhat dejectedly, leaving a bewildered Willow alone with Xander.

"I'm sorry, Xander, I didn't mean to..."

"It's alright. She was just... leaving." He couldn't think of anything else to say. After a moment of silence, Xander noticed the nervous way Willow was standing. "Will? What's wrong?"

Willow looked at Xander for a moment, trying to decide what to do. After what seemed like an incredible long ten minutes, she spoke.

"I uh, I need a favor."

***** 

Angel watched through the window in his office as the occupant of the outer office stood up and began pacing again. He turned to Cordelia and smiled slightly. She rolled her eyes.

"What's his deal?" She nodded towards the restless figure. "Is this about Faith?" She asked lowering her voice and octave, so that neither the vampire in the next room, or the Slayer, who sat wearily nearby could hear her.

Angel frowned. He really wasn't sure what was wrong. Spike had shown up on his doorstep three weeks ago in a lousy mood. He whined, and bitched and complained, and made constant threats to anyone who would listen. At first Angel had thought it was just his frustration over his present condition, and the realization that he wasn't likely to get the implant removed, not with the Initiative gone. But Angel was starting to wonder if that was the case at all.

He watched as Spike cast an angry glare his way before returning to his pacing. Angel couldn't take it any more. He turned to Cordelia. "Why don't you take Faith to get something to eat?"

Cordelia arched an eyebrow questioningly at her friend, but after seeing the pleading look in his eyes, she nodded. "You owe me." She told him as she walked out of his office.

"Faith lets go get some lunch." Cordelia walked past the slayer and out the door without seeing if she would follow.

After the two girls had gone, Angel walked out into the outer office and was glad that Wesley was still out of town. Angel leaned against Cordelia's desk and waited.

After several more sweeps of the office, Spike turned and glared at his Sire. "What?" He snapped.

Angel raised an eyebrow. "Why don't you tell me."

Silence.

More silence.

Finally, Angel had grown tired of waiting. "Is this about Faith?" Spike turned sharply at the question. "Are you concerned she'll try and stake you and you won't be able to..." he was halted in his question by an angry rumbling erupting from Spike's chest.

Spike snarled. "You think I'm afraid of that psychotic chit?" He was incredulous that Angel could even think such drivel.

Angel was perplexed. He could tell from the expression on his child's face that it was true. He wasn't worried about Faith. If not her, then what? What had happened to change his mood so drastically?

"So Faith has nothing to do with this?" Angel asked needing to be sure.

Spike sighed needlessly. "Not directly." He paused and then groaned at the expectant look on his Sire's face. He knew he wasn't going to get away without an explanation.

Trouble was he didn't want to explain. He didn't even know if he could explain. He didn't understand it himself. His mind had been a mass of jumbled thoughts since he left Sunnydale, left Xander. He knew that he didn't really leave the boy, necessarily, but he couldn't help but think of it that way.

Xander had wanted him to go, and so he had. He wasn't sure what irritated him more. The fact that Xander had wanted him gone, or the fact that he had complied, and left. He was growing soft, and he knew it. But knowing it, did not make it go away.

Spike had thought of nothing else but the brown-haired boy in the past three weeks. He wondered if he was doing all right. If he was eating properly, or getting enough sleep. He wanted to know if he was crying himself to sleep like he had done that night, and if so, did anyone if know about it? Did anyone care?

The thoughts swirled around in his head until he couldn't think straight. He wanted, no needed to get his mind off of things. So, it was with that thought in mind that he had approached the brunette Slayer. She had recently been released from jail and as part of her probation; she would be working for Angel investigations.

Surprisingly, he liked her. She was nothing like Buffy, and for that he was eternally grateful. They got along fine for the first day, but then after an extremely long and private chat with his Sire, Faith had come out of the office extremely agitated, and ready to bolt. She had made a few snide comments directed and no one and everyone before returning to the office to make a telephone call, it was clear she did not wish to make. It wasn't until the next day, when Faith had told him whom she called and why that Spike's apprehension grew.

*****

"A favor?" Xander asked only slightly worriedly. Willow had this nervous expression on her face.

She sat down on the edge of the couch and nodded. "I need you to come to L.A. with me." She looked at him cautiously, afraid he would say no.

"L.A.?" Xander sat down himself, his forehead crinkled in confusion. "What's there?"

Willow took a deep breath. "Faith."

Xander's head snapped around and looked at his best friend. "Faith?" He asked, completely lost. "Why would you go all the way to Los Angeles to see Faith, of all people?"

Willow sighed. "She called me. Asked, no more like begged me to come and see her." She paused. "Angel... he told her she needs to make amends for everything that happened. I guess she's decided to start with me." She shrugged.

He thought over what Willow had said. He knew there was something else his best friend wasn't mentioning, but he didn't want to press the issue. "Why do I need to go?" Xander asked. He really had no desire to go and see Angel, it would just serve to remind him of Spike, and that was a place he did not want to go.

"Moral support?" Willow asked hesitantly. She didn't want to admit to how nervous this impending trip was making her. She didn't know why Faith had called her, why she was chosen to be the first person she apologized to. Granted she had threaten to gut her when she was held captive for the mayor, but she had also tried to kill Buffy, several times, and nearly strangled Xander, so it wasn't like she was the only person she needed to apologize to.

She turned to look at Xander. "Will you go? Please?" She pleased.

Xander sighed. "Sure. When do we leave?" It would probably do him good to get out of Sunnydale, and away from his consistently morbid thoughts. "Sunnydale Bud depot?" He asked, cringing slightly when he remembered the last time he had cause to spend any length of time there.

Willow smiled. "No, I've got my mom's car. We can leave as soon as you're ready." She looked around the room. "Did you want to pack?"

"Pack?" Xander asked. "How long will we be there?"

Willow thought about the question, chewing on her bottom lip. She shrugged. "I'm not sure. If... you don't want to come..." She trailed off, not really wanting to go by herself. Sure Angel and Cordy were there, but she didn't think they would be a great help. She wasn't even sure what it was she needed the help with, or why she was so nervous about the meeting.

"No, I'll come." He turned around and grabbed his jacket. "Lets go."

Willow smiled in relief and followed her friend out the door.

**** 

Angel eyed his childe in confusion. So far Spike hadn't said anything about why he was so short tempered.

Spike started to explain but then thought better of it. What was he going to say? He couldn't stop thinking about the thorn in his Sire's side? That he had seriously thought about going back to Sunnyhell to see Xander? That he had picked up the phone several times to call and check on him, only to hang up before the first ring? That he had eventually called Willow in an attempted to find out how everyone was? He was sure Willow saw right through his excuse, and had it been anyone other than Xander's best friend, he may have had to stake himself for the weakness, but he didn't sense any mocking in her voice.

Spike turned to face Angel. "It's nothing." He answered gruffly before leaving the office. He needed to get out before he lost all traces of his rational mind. Once he had reached the street he headed down the street, to this pub Angel had brought him to the first week his was in town.

The bartender recognized him and swiftly brought him a bottle of Irish whiskey and a shot glass. As Spike drank his way through the bottle, he let him mind drift. He wasn't even sure what he was doing here. Why had he come to Los Angeles? At the time he had told himself that he needed to get out of Sunnydale. There was no reason for him to stay. He still had the chip, and with the Initiative gone, there was no chance of him getting it removed.

He had gone to the only person he knew shouldn't turn him away. He was right about Peaches. He may be a poof, but he was the closest thing he had to a family, and Angel protected his own. So, that's how he found himself, in LA, helping the souled vampire. Although as disgusting as that thought was, he had to admit, he did get to trample the local demons on a regular basis, which was definitely a bonus.

However, his absence from Sunnydale, also forced him to take a good look at why he left. There were the obvious reasons, of course. The chip, the Slayer, the town itself could drive a vampire to face the sunlight. But it was more than that. That last night, he had felt something completely unrecognizable. Something he hadn't felt in all his years, as a vampire and a man. He felt oddly calm. The rage, which normally drives him, had seemed to melt awayas he held Xander in his arms. He wasn't sure why that was, or if it was just an imagined feeling. He had even been prepared to ignore that feeling, and act as though nothing had happened. In actuality nothing had. But when Xander had avoided returning to the basement so he wouldn't have to face him, Spike had just left.

Even though he was prepared to ignore what had happened, act as though it had been nothing, he was not ready to see Xander do the same. And here he was, three weeks later, getting drunk in a pub, wishing more than anything he could see those brown eyes looking at him with something resembling what he knew anyone could see in his own blue eyes, if they cared to look.

**** 

"We're here." Xander parked the car.

"Yep." Willow didn't make a move to exit the car.

After several moments of silence, Xander spoke. "You know, Will, if we just drove her to check out this stunning specimen of a an underground garage, Cordy could have sent a picture."

Willow smiled slightly at his humor. "Okay, this is me, getting out of the car." She opened the car door and hurried to get into the building before she lost her nerve.

"So, this is where Pe... Dead... Angel works?" He cursed himself silently for almost using Spikes nickname, and then falling back on his own insulting name for the vampire.

Willow nodded. "Yeah, they got this building after something happened to the other one. There was an explosion... or something." She turned to Xander and grinned slightly. "Angel had to stay with Cordy until he could find a new place to live."

Xander raised his eyebrows. "And now?"

Willow shrugged. "He still lives there. Cordy said something about tunnel access and not want to let a perfectly good ghost go to waste."

Xander nodded, not entirely sure what Willow was talking about, but decided not to try and analyze it. "Well, I guess we'd better go up."

Xander and Willow climbed the steps in silence. When they reached the door, which led to the office door, Xander thrust it opened.

Cordelia was sitting at her desk typing something into the computer. She seemed to be concentrating heavily. The site was not exactly something he was prepared to see, but nor was it unpleasant. His eyes wandered around the room and he saw Faith leaning against one of the walls. She posture seemed to stiffen when she saw him.

Willow walked into the room, and an uncomfortable silence filled the room. Willow shifted from foot to foot while she took in Faith's appearance. Despite the Slayer's odd posture and nervous glance, she looked good. Better than Willow was comfortable remembering.

"Willow." Faith nodded.

"Faith, you look good." Her voice caught on the compliment and hoped no one noticed.

"Why don't you go into my office, and talk." Angel suggested from the doorway to said office. After the girls had disappeared into the office and drawn the blinds, the room was once again sucked into uncomfortable silence. 

Before anyone could say anything, Cordelia stood up. She handed Angel a file. "I have to go run that errand for Wes. I'll see you alter?" She asked Angel when he nodded, she turned towards Xander. "It's good to see you." S he hugged him briefly before disappearing out the door, leaving Angel and Xander alone.

"So...Deadboy... have you been?" Xander latched on to any piece of conversation he could manage. It wasn't so much that he was uncomfortable around the vampire, at least not he had been before. Now Angel was just a painful reminder of someone he'd rather not think about.

"Good." Angel nodded. "I didn't know you were coming."

"Moral support." Xander explained.

"Good, that's good. Faith's... nervous."

"Will too."

The two having exhausted the small smidgen of conversation were left in silence once again.

"How's everyone?" Angel asked suddenly.

Xander looked up. "Good, I guess. I... uh, don't really see anyone other than Willow"

Before Angel could comment, they heard a loud crash coming from outside of the office door followed by an all too familiar accent. "Bloody Hell, Peaches, who moved the steps!"

Xander froze, his knees growing weak. His face paled as he clenched his fist tightly.

Angel watched the boy curiously. He wasn't expecting to see the fear coming off of Xander in waves. He wondered what he was afraid of. He had been told that Spike had stayed with Spike on several occasions during his time in Sunnydale. Angel's thoughts were interrupted as Spike stumbled into the building, drunk.

It only took Spike a few seconds to find Xander's form in the room. "Xander?" He asked quietly, his speech slurred.

In that one instance, everything became clear. Angel wondered why he hadn't seen it before. He watched with a strange kind of fascination as the two men regarded each other.

****