I Forgot to Hate You
Part One  Part Two  Part Three  Part Four  Part Five  Part Six  Part Seven  Part Eight  Part Nine  Part Ten 

Part One

"Tell me again why I get stuck with Blondie?" Xander whined to Giles. 

They were supposed to be patrolling, and the former watcher, in all his brilliance, decided everyone should split up in teams of two. Somehow Xander got stuck with Spike.

"Because," Buffy smirked. "You're the only one he can stand." 

"How do you figure that?" He asked incredulously. As far as he could tell, Spike hated him worse than anyone else.

Before Buffy could answer, Willow patted him on the shoulder and whispered in his ear. "Don't fight it."

Xander watched in confusion as Buffy and Riley left off in one direction, and Willow and one of Riley's commando friends left in another. Giles, turned around and walked back into his house opting not to patrol.

After a moment in silence, Xander turned to Spike. "You ever get the feeling we're the last people to know what's going on?"

Spike snorted. "Let's go. I'd rather not spend any more time than necessary in your company." He left Xander standing there, shaking his head at how Buffy could possibly think Spike liked him any more than anyone else.

The fact was, the object of his frequent and inappropriate lust, detested him. Xander couldn't even count the number of wet dreams he'd had staring the blonde vampire since he'd first seen him over two years previous. It had gotten worse this year, when he was forced to spend so much time with Spike, alone. His desire had only grown to insurmountable proportions. It had become so bad that it was Spike he thought during his frequent sex sessions with Anya, and Spikes name he screamed out during the resulting orgasms. Although that had only happened once. After that, she quickly left, not wanting to play seconds to a vampire who couldn't even bite anymore.

And now here he was, forced into close quarters with a man who scorned him, a man he wanted to shag into a second death.

Only on the Hellmouth. 

***** 

Spike couldn't get far enough away from the moron. Not that he actually considered him to be stupid, or moronic in any way, except maybe in his choice of friends. But it was easier to growl and snarl at him as opposed to making actual conversation. Because then he might say something he might regret, or the mortal boy would catch him staring at his ass, or how well in filled out his jeans, or something equally ridiculous for a one hundred and twenty-seven-year-old vampire to do be doing. He sped up his movements, willing his body not to betray his rampant thoughts where Xander was concerned.

Spike's eyes scanned the trees, leading away from one of the local parks. He heard the snap of a tree branch behind him and spun around. The demon they were after was standing about three yards away and was holding Xander several feet off of the ground, a firm grip along the mortal's neck.

It was in that moment that everything became clear. Ever thought he'd had, every betraying emotion he'd felt, every desire he'd squashed, they all came rushing back and the only thing that matter was killing the demon and getting Xander to safety.

Spike shifted into his demon face and launched himself at the demon, who recognizing the greater threat, tossed Xander aside into the nearby tree. The demon's incredible size was no match for Spike's agility, speed and strength, coupled with a rage he didn't know he was harboring in association with something other the simple act of death itself.

The demon fell to the ground, lifeless, never knowing what it was that set off the enraged vampire. Spike ran to the tree, where Xander had fallen. The boy was unconscious and bleeding from a wound on his head, where it had smacked against the trunk of the tree.

Spike picked him up and held him tenderly in his arms. He hesitated for a split second, unsure where he should take him. As he heard Xander's breath become shallower and his heartbeat becoming weaker, Spike turned and took him towards the hospital. About halfway there, Xander's eye fluttered open momentarily before he fell further into unconsciousness.

***** 

Nearly twenty minutes later, spike found himself waiting impatiently in an overcrowded waiting room. When a doctor in a while labcoat entered, Spike pounced on him, demanding to know how Xander was.

The young doctor blinked in confusion as he looked at the vampire. "Whoa re you? Are you related to the patient? Brother? Friend?" He asked.

Spike froze for a second before speaking. "Lover." He answered, willing the doctor to doubt him.

The doctor nodded, seemingly not very surprised. "Come with me." 

Spike followed the man down several corridors. When they reached a private room, the doctor stopped before entering. "He'll be fine, physically, but there's been some... complications."

Spike didn't wait for further explanations as he entered the room. Xander looked up at him with confused brown eyes.

"I know you." He spoke with a slight tinge of wonder. 

"Yes, Mr. Harris, this is your lover. Do you remember him?" The Doctor asked soothingly.

*****
Part Two

Xander looked from the doctor to the blonde man and back again.  He was trying to reconcile what the doctor had said with the memories he couldn’t summon.

<Lover?> He wondered, trying to remember something about this man standing before him that would lead credence to the doctor’s words.  Staring at the blonde, Xander found himself focusing on his lean frame, chiseled cheekbones, and finally his piercing blue eyes.  He tried to remember a sexual relationship, but then, searching his mind, he couldn’t remember much.

However, he also couldn’t deny the blatant sexual attraction he felt.  He found himself staring into those blue eyes, getting lost in the intensity of them.  Licking his lips, Xander nodded his head slowly.

"Yes, I remember him.”  He spoke carefully, realizing that wasn’t a lie, nor was it the complete truth.  There was something about him that he recognized.  There was also something different about him, but he couldn’t put a finger on it.

Satisfied his patient would be all right alone with the stranger, the doctor turned around and left the room.

Xander didn’t even notice the man leave he was too busy staring at the blonde.  He racked his brain trying to remember his name.  It seemed to be right there in front of him, but where he couldn’t reach it.  He felt incredibly stupid.

“So?”  Xander swallowed. “How long have we been… together?”  He asked, hoping it hadn’t been long.  He really hated the idea of having such a lovely specimen of a man as a lover, and not remembering it.

Spike smirked. “Not long, pet, not long at all.” Spike had to resist the urge to laugh at loud when Xander seemed to relax at this information.  He wasn’t sure why the boy found that information comforting, but he was pleased that Xander believed the doctor when he said they were lovers.

Spike wasn’t sure what it was that had possessed him to tell the doctor they were lovers.  He did it mostly to ruffle the doctor’s feathers, but there was probably a slight bit of wishful thinking mixed in there.  However he had never thought that Xander wouldn’t remember that it wasn’t true.

Now here he was, with the object of his considerable lust, whom thought they were lovers.  He knew he should come clean, and tell him the truth, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it.

He didn’t know how long Xander would be without his memory.  He could wake up tomorrow and remember everything.  Spike couldn’t let this opportunity slip by.  He took a step closer to the boy.  “How do you feel?”  He asked quietly as he sat on the edge of the bed.

Xander’s eyes drifted from Spike’s piercing blue ones down to his sensual mouth.  He was captivated by the way the corners upturned in a smirk.  A smirk, Xander felt was somehow something he’d seen a lot of.  He gulped as he felt him self harden as Spike licked his lips.

When Spike reached down and pressed his lips to Xander’s, the boy was only vaguely aware of the coolness of them.  He opened his lips, allowing Spike’s tongue entrance.  Xander couldn’t recall ever kissing anyone, but he was certain it had never been like this.  They seemed to melt into one other as their tongues attacked each other’s mouths.

Spike reluctantly pulled away when he remembered Xander needed to breathe.  She could help the smile on his lips at the whimper the came from the boys lips at the loss of contact.  As Xander took in much needed oxygen, Spike took the opportunity to watch him carefully, trying to gauge his reaction to their kiss.

Xander didn’t seem surprised or even disturbed by what had happened, but then the mortal had no way of knowing that that was something new. Suddenly, Xander looked up, his soft brown eyes locking with Spike’s blue ones.  He seemed to have a nervous expression of his face.  Spike was suddenly worried that the boy was having a delayed reaction to the kiss.

"What is it, pet?”  He asked with a touch of concern.

Xander looked down at the bed sheet draped over his waste and then back up at Spike, this time avoiding his eyes.  “I, uh… I don’t know your name.”

****

Willow flopped down on Giles couch and waited for Giles to bring out the tea he was making.  Their patrols had been a bust, and Graham had left after dropping her off.  The redhead was unsurprised to find that Buffy had not come back after patrol.  She figured the Slayer had gone home with Riley. Willow had come back to the former watcher’s house to wait for Xander and Spike and see if they had been any more successful.

The telephone ringing broke her out of hr internal thoughts.  Realizing Giles was busy, Willow made her way over to the phone and answered it.

“Hello?”  She asked into the line.

“Yes, may I speak to a Rupert Giles or Willow Rosenberg?”  The voice asked.

“This is Willow Rosenberg.”  Willow began to get nervous.

“Miss Rosenberg, this is Sunnydale General Hospital.  We have one Alexander Harris here.  There was an accident of some sort.”

Willow took a deep breath. “Is he… is he alright?”  She asked, trying to remain calm.

Willow listened with decreasing alarm as the nurse told her about Xander’s condition.  She was almost completely calmed down when the nurse uttered her next words.

“He’ll be fine, ma’am.  He’s with his… lover now.” The nurse said the words as if she wasn’t sure she had read the information the doctor had given her correctly.

Willow opened her mouth to speak but no sound came out.  She took another de ep breath and then tried again. “His lover?”  She asked, hoping she didn’t sound as completely baffled as she felt.

“Yes, ma’am. Lean, good-looking man, blonde…”

“Oh, Spike.”  Willow sounded relieved. She wasn’t sure why they thought Spike and Xander were lovers, but she wasn’t concerned that there was some strange person with her best friend either.  “Thank you for calling.”  She said goodbye and hung up the phone just as Giles entered the room.

“Who was that?”  The former watcher asked.

Willow smiled as she began to relay to Giles what the nurse had told her. It wasn’t until she was about to tell him that Spike was with him, that she thought better of that idea.  She wasn’t really sure what had caused this confusion over Spikes relationship with Xander, and until she did, she was hesitant to mention it to the watcher.

Standing up, she smiled briefly at him.  “I’d better go.  It’s late, and I want to go visit Xander in the morning.”

“Do you need a lift?”  Giles asked curiously.

Willow shook her head. “Nope.”  She held out a stake and a vile of holy water. “Everything a girl needs for a late-night staking.”  She laughed slightly before leaving the house and heading in the direction of the hospital.

*****

  Part Three

As Willow walked down the corridor the nurse had directed her to, she started running over all of the possibilities in her mind of why the hospital thought that Spike and Xander were lovers. She could come up with only two explanations. Number one, for whatever reason, Spike had told them that and it wasn't true. Or, Reason number two, and the one she preferred, was that it was true.

She realized that if Buffy would see the thoughts as they played out in her head, she would be pissed out of her bottle blonde head, but the fact was, Willow loved Xander. Not in the strap him to the bed naked way, but in the he's-the-only-real-family-I-have-and-I-want-him-to-be-happy-way. It had become apparent, to her at least, a long time ago that Xander was gay.

It probably all started after Angel had lost his soul again. Well, that 's when she noticed it anyway. Xander had made a big deal after he had spoken with Larry during the search for the werewolf, who turned out to be Oz. At the time she hadn't paid too much attention to it, having other issues to deal with. But in the months that followed, Willow had noticed certain things about Xander. Things he himself probably hadn't noticed himself.

She guessed it was the reason that so many of his relationships were doomed to failure. They were always with people that he couldn't be with. People who could never make him truly happy. First his crush on Buffy, who could never truly appreciate him, then Cordelia, who loved him in her own way, but never understood him. And now, Anya.

Anya was... unique. And although Willow had no doubt that the former vengeance demon did have feelings for Xander. Maybe she even loved him. But it wasn't the kind of love that Xander needed. It wasn't unconditional acceptance by someone who would truly know him, even when he didn't know himself. Someone who didn't 'tolerate' Xander's quirky personality, but thrived on it. Some who kept an eye on him not because they were waiting or expecting him to fail, but because there was nothing else they'd rather keep an eye on. And if that someone turned out to be Spike, it didn't matter to her.

Sure the blonde vampire had tried to kill them all several times, but was he any different than Angelus? Or the havoc the demon Anyanka had caused? The danger Giles had inadvertently brought forth with Eyghon? The problems she herself had cased with that 'thy will be done' spell?

No, Spike was an ally now, and should he get his implant removed, Willow didn't believe he would kill Xander, not now. But the deciding factor in Willow's acceptance of what may or may not be happening between her oldest friend and the blonde vampire was Xander himself.

Whether he realized it or not, whether he admitted it to himself or not, the fact was Xander Harris had strong feelings for Spike. Feelings than went beyond simple lust. And if Spike was any indication, those feelings were reciprocated. That was all that mattered, as far as she was concerned.

That settled, Willow approached the hospital room with less apprehension that she had felt since receiving the phone call. Just as she was about to open the door, it was swung out, nearly hitting her in the face. Willow jumped back and came face to face with the person exiting the room.

"Spike?" Willow asked looking the vampire over. He didn't look any different than usual, except he had this strange look on his face, and his eyes looked slightly glazed.

"Red?" Spike asked eyes Willow warily. "What are you doing here?"

"The nurse called Giles. Said that there was some sort of accident." She nodded towards the door. "Is he alright?"

"Fine." He reassured her; not certain what he should tell her, or what she already knew.

Willow watched him closely before speaking. "IS there something you want to tell me, Spike?"

"What? What would I have to tell you?" He snapped.

Willow raised an eyebrow. "Like why the nurse seems to think you and Xander are lovers."

Spike froze. What was he going to tell her? He could tell her it was a misunderstanding, but that wouldn't explain why they had spent a good portion of the last thirty minutes kissing like a pair of desperate schoolboys. He could tell her that the nurse had been mistaken, but that would only last long enough for her to speak to either the doctor, or Xander himself. Or he could tell her it was true. How would she know they hadn't been together secretly? S he wouldn't.

Ultimately, he did what he never would have believed possible, given the situation. He told the truth. "Oh, that. I told the doctor that so I could get in to see him."

Willow stared at him very carefully for a full moment before she grinned. "I see." She shrugged. "It makes no difference to me." She turned towards the door, leaving Spike standing there, his mouth open slightly in shock.

It was only after the door swung shut behind her that he realized that Xander probably wouldn't recognize her.

*****

"Xander?" Willow asked softly as she approached the bed. Xander was lying back, staring up at the ceiling, his eyes slightly opened. When he turned to look at her, she noticed he had that same glazed look Spike had had went he left the room. //For the doctor's benefit my ass!//

Xander turned his head slightly at the sound of the new voice. His brain was still foggy from the scorching kisses he had shared with a lover he couldn't remember. When his brain cleared enough for him to focus on the girl standing in front of him, he nearly gasped.

"Willow? Is that you?" He sat up so that he could look more closely at her.

Willow eyed him curiously. "Yes, Xander, who else would I be?"

"You recognize her." Spike's British accent came from just inside the door. Neither occupant had heard him enter.

Xander laughed. "Yes, I do. That's Willow Rosenberg, since I was five." He turned to Spike. "But you should know that already. Sorry." He looked sheepish.

Spike grinned as he stepped closer and sat on the end of the bed, taking Xander's warm hand in his cooler one. "That's all right, luv."

Willow looked from Xander to Spike and then back again, taking note of their clasped hands. "Why wouldn't he recognize me?" She asked in confusion.

"I've lost my memory." He shrugged. "Or at least part of it." He smiled at Willow, glad there was someone he actually remembered, although she looked different. "I don't remember him," He nodded towards the blonde, 'But I do remember you."

Willow pulled a chair in front of the bed and sat down. "What else don't you remember?" He paused, realizing how dumb that question was. "OR what do you remember?" She paused again. "What's the last thing you remember?"

Xander sat back and tried to focus on his last clear memory. "I remember going to the bronze, only I never made it there. Don't know why exactly, everything is still a little hazy. The next thing after that is of being in a park... I think." He paused trying to clear the memories up. "Then I was in the library." He looked up at Willow. "Why would I be in the library, you' re the bookworm of this gruesome tuesome."

Willow smiled slightly, waiting for him to continue and hopefully give her some clue as to when his last memory was. "What else?" She asked patiently.

"The sewers!" He answered excitedly before realizing what he said. "The sewers? Again, why?"

Willow shared a look with Spike before both focused their attention on Xander, whose eyes had lit up at another memory.

"Vampires!" He exclaimed. There were vampires... or am I confusing something with some movie marathon I must have watched recently?"

Willow paused, unsure of how to answer him. Finally she spoke. "No, you're remembering correctly.

Xander nodded, relived that he wasn't imagining things. Then all of a sudden something clicked in his mind. He turned to Spike. "You. You're a vampire." It wasn't a question.

Spike froze. This was it. The moment it would all end. Xander would either remember the truth or be so disgusted by his undead status that he would want anything to do with him.

"Yes, pet, that I am." He gripped Xander's hand just a little tighter, trying to hold on to it as long as possible. To his surprise, Xander didn't attempt to get away. Instead he merely nodded and turned to Willow. "There was a girl. Blonde, strong... kind of annoying. Do I know her?"

Willow couldn't help the soft laugh that escaped her lips. "Yeah, that's Buffy."

Xander's eyes narrowed slightly at the name. "Buffy." He rolled the name around on his tongue for a minute before his eyes lit up in recognition.

"Oh yeah, I remember her. Strange girl...carried around a bag full of

sticks." He turned to Spike. "What kind of name is Buffy anyway?"

****

Part Four

Willow looked warily from Giles to Buffy and back again. They were standing in Giles living room, where Willow had returned to first thing in the morning, to explain Xander's situation. She didn't think it would be a good idea for them to just show up at the hospital, under the circumstances. Plus, he was being released from that day. Willow felt it would be better for all concerned if they saw him on more familiar ground.

"Tell me this is so not happening?" Buffy shrieked after a full five-minute silence.

Willow smiled ion what she was her most apologetic manner.

"Let see if I understand this correctly," Giles began, wiping his glasses furiously as he took a seat on the couch. "Xander was... injured, and he is have some trouble remember certain... details?" Giles looked pointedly at Willow. When she nodded, he continued, "And you say he believes that Spike is his... lover?"

Willow sighed. "It was just a little misunderstanding." Willow assured them. She didn't think they needed to hear her personal opinions on the present 'miscommunication'.

"A misunderstanding?" Buffy repeated in that shrill voice she used when she thought no one was paying attention to her.

Willow took a deep breath and tried to remain serious, although it was a struggle not to laugh at her friends' reaction. "The doctors would only allow family in to see him, so Spike thought that would let him in if they though he and Xander were involved."

"Yes, quite." Giles looked at his glasses carefully making sure he hadn't missed a spot before he looked up at the witch. "And he doesn't remember us?"

Willow looked at her mentor sadly for a second. "He knows who you are. He remembers you are, or were the librarian of the high school." She turned to Buffy. "He remembers you're Buffy Summers, the Slayer." She chose to leave out some of the other things Xander had remembered about their friend. "He remembers about Vampires, and he knows that Spike is one." She tuned away from them. "He remembers about the Master and the Harvest. He knows about Angel... but he doesn't actually remember him." She sighed again as she turned to face them. "The best I can figure is that his memories stop some time after we met you, but before he actually met Angel. He remembers what happened with Catherine Madison, but not Miss French."

"I see." Giles said as he started scrubbing furiously on his glasses once more.

"So, he doesn't remember us." Buffy whispered as she sat down on the couch.

"He remembers you." Willow tried to reassure them, "Just not as much." She smiled in what she hoped was a reassuring way.

"No, he doesn't remember us." Buffy said dejectedly, but then smiled widely, "But that's okay!"

"It is?" Willow asked, a little shocked by Buffy's change in attitude.

The Slayer smiled brightly looking from Giles to Willow. "Don't you see? He can get to know us all over again... He be back to our Xander in no time."

"Sure." Willow nodded, not having the heart to tell them Xander hadn't changed all that much since losing his memory.

"Maybe we can get him a better sense of humor while we're working on his memories." Buffy mentioned idly.

Willow stared at her friend in mild shock as Giles looked at his Slayer sharply. Buffy didn't seem to notice she had said anything wrong.

"So, when can we see him?"

*****

"I'm sorry Mr. Harris, but we need this information." The nurse spoke calmly to her irate patient.

Xander turned to look at Spike, who was standing off to the side in what appeared to be an attempt not too lose a hold on his own temper. "Doesn't she understand that I've lost my memory. Lost it? I'm not hiding it. It's gone." He turned back to the nurse. Gone. G. O. N. E." He snapped.

"Mr. Harris, if you can't control your temper, we'll have to sedate you." The nurse primly replied, ignorant to what was agitating her patient.

Xander took a deep breath and was about to say something when he felt cool hands on his shoulders, easing the tension, which had settled there. Xander hadn't even seen Spike move, but was grateful for the close proximity. It seemed to give him the added strength he needed.

"Why don't you leave the form here." Spike smiled his most charming smile.

The nurse flushed slightly, and set the clipboard on the edge of the bed before leaving them alone.

Once she had gone, Spike bent down and whispered in Xander's ear. "You shouldn't get so worked up, luv."

Xander smiled as he turned his head slightly so that Spikes lips were brushing against his skin. "You're a terrible flirt." Turning around to his brown eyes met Spikes blue, he spoke. "Am I the jealous type?"

In answer, Spikes cool lips captured Xander's in a fierce kiss, leaving no doubt who had possession of who.

The sound of someone clearing their throat broke the couple apart. They turned to see Willow standing in the doorway, one eyebrow quirked.

"I came to take you home, but the nurse said you couldn't leave?" She asked questioningly.

Xander reached forward and grabbed the clipboard from where the nurse had left it. "They want this filled out. Wills, help me here." He whined.

Willow stepped forward and looked the form over. "They want your recent medical history?" She asked with another raised eyebrow. "They do realize you don't remember anything that would qualify as recent?"

"Tried telling the chit that. Bint threatened to sedate him." Spike spat as he continued rubbing Xander's shoulders.

Willow nodded her understanding. "Well, lets see, I'm sure I can fill this out. Last I checked I still had all my faculties." She looked up at Spike sharply. "Not a word." She told him before his lips could utter a sarcastic reply.

As Willow filled out the paperwork, she noted with a slight smile how relaxed her friends seemed to be together. She had never seen Xander so at ease with anyone before, except maybe her, and not in a long time. Too much had happened in the past few years, which had changed their relationship. The events themselves, she wouldn't necessarily change, but the way in which they had effected them. She missed her friend. She missed how carefree he had been. He didn't seem to have that ease anymore, and she wanted him to get that back and it seemed he was. Maybe his memory loss was a good thing. She smiled to herself as she finished the form and handed it over for Xander to sign.

As Willow left them to turn the form over to the nurses in charge and hopefully get Xander released, Spike pulled the mortal out of bed and handed him some clean clothes Willow had brought.

"Get dressed, luv, we're getting out of here."

Xander grinned and began stripping off the hospital gown, oblivious to the appreciative stare from the blonde vampire.

****

"Miss Rosenberg, I'm sorry, you'll have to wait until the doctor gets here before he can be released." The charge nurse explained patiently.

Willow growled under her breath. "No, you look. My friend has been through enough. You said he could leave, I'm here to take him home. He's going home." She told the nurse, her resolve face firmly routed.

"Ma'am, you don't understand, there's nothing I can do." The nurse told her.

Willow turned her head slightly towards the hall that led to Xander's room. "No, you don't understand. My friend's boyfriend, he can be very... testy. If you don't discharge Mr. Harris, we're leaving anyway."

"You can't just... leave!" T he woman protested.

Willow smiled sweetly. "Watch us."

It was at that moment that Spike and Xander rounded the corner and stopped at the desk. "Ready, Red?"

Willow looked questioningly at the nurse, who gaped at her for a moment before typing something into the computer and handing the discharge sheet to Willow.

"Thank you." Willow smiled as she headed towards the exit which led to the underground garage.

Just before they passed the desk, Xander turned and grinned at the nurse. "It's been fun."

Willow led them to the car, and once they were all seated, and Spike sufficiently covered from the morning sun, she left the hospital and headed towards her parents house, where she had decided was the best place for them to stay. Her parents were on an extended leave, and it was a place Xander actually remember, more fondly than his own home.

Shortly after they arrived, Willow went upstairs to take a shower after the mornings events, leaving Spike and Xander to get comfortable in what would be their home, at least for awhile.

Xander was reacquainting himself with the house he remembered spending a lot of time at as a child when there was a fierce knocking on the door. He went to open the door, not sure who to expect. He grin soon lost its mirth as he saw who was at the other side.

"Buffy." He looked past the blonde girl to the older man standing behind him. "Giles." He realized that these people were supposed to be his friends from what Willow had told him, but he felt no connection to them whatsoever. There was nothing which reached out to him and told him this people cared about him, that they were his friends. Which was odd, in away, because he had no memory of Spike either, but yet he felt a connection to him. He felt at peace with him, whole. Xander shrugged the thoughts away, assuming the difference was because he and Spike were lovers.

"Come in." He stepped aside to let them in before turning around and speaking into the living room. "Spike, luv, we have guests."

Xander missed the look of distaste which clouded Buffy's features at his words, and the faint amusement in Giles eyes as the watcher followed his Slayer into the house to reacquainted themselves with their friend.

*****

Part Five

Willow was still upstairs in the shower when the telephone began ringing. Spike answered it, not even stopping to think that maybe it wasn't a smart idea for him to be answering Willow's telephone.

"What?" Spike's impatient voice spoke into the line.

He was rather irritated with Buffy and the watcher's immediate appearance. He didn't want to leave them alone with Xander for too long for fear of what they would tell them, and what he would believe.

"Spike?" The voice on the other end was familiar and not all together welcomed.

"Peaches?" Spike snarled into the line, lowering his voice in an effort not to alert the daft Slayer to whom he was speaking to.

"Where's Willow?" Angel's voice had regained that calm quality which infuriated Spike to no end.

"In the shower." He paused. "But Slutty's here. Would you like to chat her up?" Spike snickered when he heard Angel growl. Spike sighed needlessly as he walked the cordless phone into the kitchen and away from the prying ears of their 'guests'. "What do you want?"

"How's Xander?" Angel asked, curious as to the mortal's condition.

Spike groaned. "Well, gee, Pops, I don't know, since he's out there with the daft Slayer, and I'm in here talking to my blasted Sire.

"You left him alone With Buffy? Are you insane?" Angel hissed. "Who knows what she's telling him."

Angel's words brought back his earlier concerns. He hung up the phone and sauntered back into the living room. It appeared that nothing monumental had happened. Giles and Buffy were eyeing Xander carefully, unsure of what exactly to say to them.

Buffy scowled at the blonde vampire. "What are you doing here?" He asked.

Spike smirked as he leaned back on the comfortable couch. "I live here luv. What's your excuse?"

Xander was watching the Slayer warily. He remembered her, but what he remembered wasn't a person he was comfortable being anywhere near his vampire. And the watcher, he seemed nice enough. He didn't remember him that well though. He wished Willow would come back downstairs. She always had a way of defusing situations.

Almost as if on cue, Willow walked down the stairs into the tension filled living room. She looked from Buffy and Giles to Xander, and finally let her eyes settle on Spike. "Did I hear the phone ring?" She asked him.

Spike nodded. "That you did, Red."

Willow stared at him expectantly for a second, when he didn't offer any more information she looked at him pointedly. "And? Who was it?"

Spike looked over at Buffy for a split second before letting his eyes go back to Willow. "Daddy. He was concerned."

Willow looked at him in mild confusion for a moment until his words became clear. She looked nervously at Buffy, who seemed to be oblivious, but one could never be too careful. "Oh, My Dad... yeah, he... uh... he worries." She nodded her head in agreement of her own words, hoping Buffy bought it.

Spike was trying very hard not to laugh at Willow's rambling explanation. Thankfully, for Willow, Buffy seemed to be completely ignorant. "Well, you should call him. Since he... worries."

Willow glared at the vampire and snatched the phone off of the counter where Spike had left it.

Once Willow had disappeared up the stairs to make her phone call, Spike turned his attention back to Xander who was eyeing him with mild curiosity. Xander knew that whoever had called was not Willow's father. What he could remember about her parents was that they were both very busy people who barely took the time to remember they had a daughter much less worry about her.

Add that knowledge to the fact that he had caught Willow's concerned glance at the Slayer at the mention of the caller, and Xander was fairly certain he knew who had called.

"So... Xan... How are you?" Buffy asked a with a big smile and a slight shrillness to her voice.

Xander turned around and grinned slightly in that way that could only be described as... Xanderish. "Great, Buff. It's... good to see you."

Xander spun around and flopped down on the couch next to Spike, subconsciously squeezing the vampire's knee. He saw Buffy flinch at the action, and was unsure if her apparent distaste was because she disapproved of his relationship with Spike, or if she had just never seen them together. He was on shaky ground where the blonde girl was concerned. He remembered her, but only in a 'I-see-you-at-school-and-know-your-secret-identity kind of way. Sure, there was the potential for true friendship, but what he remembered about her didn't strike him as qualities he would search for in a best friend. She seemed to consider him to be extremely silly, and not very bright. While it was true, he strived for the humor in every situation, which did not discount him ever being serious. That's what he liked about Willow. They had known each other forever, and whether he was using humor for humors sake, or just trying to get through a touch situation, Willow could always tell the difference.

Xander knew that Willow had told him they had recently grown apart, and she blamed herself for that, but he couldn't help feel that she wasn't entirely to blame. He couldn't remember what happened, and honestly he didn 't really care. What he did care about was she was there for him now, when he needed a familiar face and he felt as comfortable with her now as he had when they were five.

Shaking his head from the wild direction his thoughts were taking, Xander turned to Spike and grinned goofily before planting a fierce kiss against his cool lips. He heard a shocked gasp behind him as he thoroughly plundered Spike's cool mouth. Pulling away reluctantly, Xander turned around and frowned at the scowl on Buffy's face.

"Is something wrong?" Xander asked, all mock innocence.

He had realized that either Buffy wasn't aware of his relationship with Spike, or she had never seen them together. But either way, Xander was not about to hide how he was beginning to feel for the vampire, nor was going to act any different simple because some girl he was supposed to be friends with decided to drop by unannounced.

"Xander!" Buffy shrieked. "What are you doing?"

Xander blinked and then turned to look at Spike whose face held a smirk while he waited to see what was going to happen.

"I would think that was fairly obvious." His eyes sparkled mischievously as he turned back to the irate blonde.

Buffy turned around to face Giles, who was struggling to look serious. "Giles! Do something," She whined.

"Yes, quite." Giles nodded his head slightly as he grabbed Buffy's arm gently. "Maybe we should go."

Buffy looked incredulously at her watcher. "What?"

Giles gently tugged her towards the door. "Buffy, it's been a long day for Xander. Perhaps we should go and we can speak to him some other time."

"But... but... We can't just *leave* him here." Buffy protested.

"He'll be fine." Giles assured her. "Willow's here, and Spike can't bite, remember?"

Buffy nodded weakly and turned around to face the couple on the couch once more. Spike was smirking at her and Xander was simply staring at her as if she had lost her mind.

"You so much as look at him wrong and your dust." Buffy hissed.

Giles groaned softly as the words left his Slayer's mouth. He had been watching Xander carefully since he entered the house, and while he didn't necessarily approve of the deception, he was not blind to the attraction the two had been trying to hide for months. Nor was he ignorant to how relaxed and at ease Xander seemed to be. He only hoped that when the boy got his memory back, he didn't return to the awkward self-conscious way he acted around Spike.

And now watching as the threat left Buffy's lips, Giles noticed something else. Xander wasn't about to let Buffy, or anyone else walk all over him. He saw the anger in the boy's brown eyes at Buffy's words. The tight, angry line which had appeared over the calm and carefree face. He knew that Xander wasn't going to just let that threat hang.

Xander jumped off of the couch and took a step towards the blonde girl who so casually had threatened the man he was coming to think of as his other half. "That's it!" He snapped.

"Pet, calm down"

Xander turned his angry gaze to Spike. "No, I will not calm down. I know she's supposed to be my friend... my best friend, but I don't understand how that's possible. She just threatened you. You did catch that, did you

not?"

When Spike nodded, Xander turned back to Buffy. "How can you just stand there and calmly threaten my lover? Did I go around threatening Angel when you two were... together?" He asked tightly.

"Well, actually luv, you did." Spike told him.

Xander turned back to Spike and then grinned. "Oh, well..." He paused as he turned back to Buffy. After a moment he looked back at Spike. "I didn't get along with Angel?"

Spike couldn't help but laugh at Xander's bewilderment. "Nope, but if it makes you feel any better, it was all her fault." He nodded his head towards the Slayer, who was watching the conversation with something resembling confusion.

Xander seemed to take that information in and then he grinned again. "Well then, Wills won't hold it against me." Spike snickered as Xander turned back to Buffy.

"Doesn't matter, Slayer." He pointedly used Spike's name for her, knowing it would upset her. "I think you should go." HE turned his back on the girl who was supposed to be his friend as he sat back down next to Spike. Spike grabbed his hand and squeezed tightly.

Buffy stared at her friend for a moment before allowing Giles to pull her out of the house and into the day.

*****

Willow had waited at the top of the stairs for a minute before she went into her bedroom to use the phone. She knew she was being paranoid but she really didn't want Buffy to eavesdrop on her conversation.

Once she was seated comfortably on her bed, she dialed the familiar number. It rang twice before a familiar voice answer.

"Angel Investigations. We Help the Hopeless."

Willow laughed softly. "Cor, is Angel there?"

"Wills!" The former cheerleader sounded excited to hear from her. "Yeah, he 's here." Cordelia paused before continuing in a quieter voice, "Is it true?"

Willow blinked on her end as she tried to comprehend what Cordelia was asking her. "Is what true?"

Cordelia rolled her eyes, although she knew Willow couldn't see her. "Xander and junior? Are they really... together?"

Willow chuckled. "Yep... although not in the biblical sense...at least not yet... I don't think."

"Eww! An image I *so* didn't need!"

"Sorry." Willow apologized sheepishly. "Can I talk to Angel?"

"Oh yeah. He's been waiting for you to call back." Willow heard shuffling on the other end and then a click as she was put on hold.

While she waited for Angel to pick up, Willow stepped closer to her closed bedroom door to see if she could hear anything. She thought she heard Buffy shriek but with the door closed it was hard to tell.

"Willow?" Angel asked into the line, bringing Willow's attention back to the phone.

"Hi." She smiled. Just hearing his voice could usually bring a smile to her face.

"Hey. How are things? I was..." Angel trailed off.

"Worried?" Willow supplied. "You worry too much."

Angel sighed needlessly. "You're there. I'm here. What do you expect?"

"For you to worry." Willow giggled. "That's why I love you."

"I love you too." There was a pause. "How's Xander?"

"Good. Actually, really good." Willow told him honestly.

"Spikes good for him." Another pause. "Did I just say that my wayward child was good for someone?"

Willow giggled again. "Yep, you did." She took a deep breath, not wanting to bring up the next topic, but knowing it was necessary. "You know, Buffy's not too happy about this. She'll probably call you."

Another needless sigh. "I know. What would you like me to tell her?"

Willow made her way through her room to the French doors as she spoke. She stepped onto the balcony, and felt her skin warmed by the early afternoon sun. "The truth." She finally told him. "I don't want you to lie. None of us do... well, Spike maybe, but he doesn't count." She heard Angel chuckle through the line as she watched Giles pulling Buffy away from the house towards his car.

"They've left. I better go see how things went." She told him as Giles car rode down the rode.

"Okay. Call me later."

"I will." She paused again, not wanted to lose this small contact.

"I love you." Angel's deep voice rumbled through the line.

"I love you too" She hung up the phone before she wasn't able to anymore.

Willow walked back into her room and headed down the stairs. When she reached the living room, she found her best friend and her lover's childe in a heated embrace, and decided taking a walk might be a good idea. She set the phone down and slipped out through the side door of the house, leaving the lovers some well deserved alone time.

*****

Part Six

Spike plundered Xander's mouth, his tongue leaving nothing untouched. He
heard the boy moan and pressed their bodies closer. He knew he shouldn't be
doing this, taking advantage of Xander, but he had wanted this, needed this for
too long.

Xander rolled on top of Spike, his hands moved over every inch of the
vampire's body, touching, memorizing. He couldn't remember ever having done
this before, not with Spike, or anyone else, but he couldn't help but feel that
this was the way it was supposed to be. The feeling he had that told him this
was right. This was good, that there wasn't anywhere he wanted to be, anywhere
else he should be.

Xander gave himself over to the sensations as his clothes were removed from
his body. His fingers made quick work on Spikes own clothes, and soon the two
men were naked and wreathing together on the floor. The couch had proved to be
less than comfortable, and at this moment they were to lost in each other to try
and move to the bedroom they would be staying in.

Spike moaned as he felt Xander's warm tongue make a trail down his body. He
couldn't believe this was happening. So many times he'd dreamt of this. Of
taking Xander, of having Xander take him, and now it was happening, and he
couldn't stop to think that maybe it shouldn't be. It felt too good. Too
right.

Xander flipped his lover over, trailing kisses down his perfect back, wanting
nothing more than to be inside him. "I want you." He whispered, his voice
husky from desire. "Now." He hesitated for a moment, afraid that Spike would
deny him this pleasure, this need. When Spike arched himself closer tot he
mortal's body in silent permission, Xander relaxed.

He positioned his aching shaft at Spikes entrance and stopped, realizing that
they had no lube. "This'll hurt." He whispered along the vampire's neck as he
licked the cool skin.

"Do it." Spike hissed. He no longer cared what he was doing. Whether it was
wrong, or right. Whether Xander would regret this later. All he cared about
was having the mortal he'd fantasized about buried deep inside him.

Xander didn't need to be told twice. He thrust himself deep inside his lover'
s ass, and moaned at the sensation. He had never felt anything like it, he was
sure. He could die right now, and that would be okay. The mortal stilled for a
moment, not wanting to move and risk losing the feelings that were overwhelming
him. Spike thrust back against him and broke him out of his haze.

The two men began a steady rhythm, losing themselves in sensation, and each
other. Xander reached a hand around and started pumping Spike's cock in time to
his own thrusts. He licked a trail along Spike's back, holding off his orgasm
until Spike could join him in ecstasy.

Just as he felt himself dangling over the cliff of pleasure, Xander started
suckling on Spike's shoulder. The action made Spike shiver. Xander thrust one,
twice and them came, hard. Just as the force of his orgasm hit him, he bit into
Spike's shoulder, causing Spike to explode with a howl.

Xander was panting heavily as he collapsed on top of his lover, his softening
member slipping out of Spike's body.

"Wow." Xander panted, "That was."

"That it was, pet." Spike agreed as he turned over and pulled Xander into his
arms.

"Is it always like that?" Xander asked curiously. He couldn't believe he had
forgotten sex that good.

Spike froze. He didn't what to say. Tell him the truth, or lie. He looked
down at the mortal, hoping to see something in his eyes, anything that would
tell him that this was about more than sex, even though Xander had no way of
remembering the realities of their previous relationship. However, when he
looked down, Xander was already asleep.

Spike chuckled as he moved Xander to his side slightly, so that he could stand
up and carry the boy to the bedroom. He had no desire to have Willow walk in on
them, lying naked on the living room floor.

*****

Angel was just finishing packing his bags when the sound of the phone broke
him out of his internal thoughts. He grabbed his bags and headed upstairs.

"Angel Investigations. We help the hopeless." Cordelia's cheery voice came
from the office above him. "He's busy." Angel heard the change in the tone of
Cordelia's voice and knew exactly who was on the phone. Only one person
inspired that icy tone.

Angel sighed as he made his way over to Cordelia's desk. He really didn't
want to have this conversation, but he didn't think there was anyway to avoid
it.

Grabbing the phone easily out of Cordelia's hand, Angel smiled reassuringly at
his friend. "Buffy." He said into the line. "Is something wrong?"

"Yes!" She hissed into the line.

Angel groaned as he sat on the edge of the desk. "What's wrong?" He asked
patiently.

"It's Spike! He's. He's. hurting Xander!" Her voice was so loud that Cordelia
could hear her shriek through the line.

Cordelia snickered. "Only the way he wants to be hurt." Angel shot her a glare
and she shrugged. She had to admit she had been a little shocked about what
Willow had told her, but it was more because of the circumstances than the idea
that Spike and Xander would make a couple. She had known for quite some time
that Xander was gay, or bisexual at the very least. It didn't bother her. And
truth be told, she actually kind of liked Spike, when he wasn't trying to kill
you, or torture your boss.

"I thought Spike couldn't hurt mortals." Angel reminded his former girlfriend
gently.

"He can't. But," She paused, not sure of what exactly she was trying to say.
"You have to stop him!" She whined. Buffy took a deep breath, calming down as
she realized how she could end this madness once and for all. "I'll stake him."
The words were softly spoken, but Angel heard them.

"No!" Angel growled, not liking the idea of anyone hurting Spike.

"Then you'll come, and fix this. this. mess!" She was shrieking again.

Angel sighed needlessly. "I'll leave tonight."

"Thank you." Buffy seemed to calm down again.

"Buffy?"

"Hmm?" She asked, only half-paying attention now that she had gotten what she
wanted.

"Maybe you should let me handle this."

Buffy was about to protest when she thought better of it. Angel was right. Why
should she try and fix the mess Spike had made? With Xander not remembering
things clearly, who knows how he'd take her involvement? "Okay." She agreed.

Angel closed his eyes in relief. "Goodbye." After he hung up the phone he
turned to see Cordelia watching in amusement. "What?" He asked her.

Cordelia rolled her eyes. "I don't know why you bother. It's not like you're
going to stop whatever it is she thinks is going on."

"I'm not going for Buffy." Angel stood up and looked around the office. He
didn't know how long he'd be in Sunnydale, and didn't want to forget anything.

"I know. You're going to See Wills. I get that, but this thing with Xander ahs
the potential to be a disaster. Maybe."

"Maybe what?" Angel turned back to face his receptionist and closest friend.

Cordelia shrugged, not sure how Angel was going to take her suggestion. She
couldn't even believe she was entertaining the idea herself. "Maybe, you should
bring them back here. It's. safer."

Angel raised an eyebrow. "Here? As in Los Angeles? You want me to bring Spike
*and* Xander here?"

Cordelia shrugged again, not wanting to voice her own reasons for making the
suggestions. "Just a thought."

Angel shook his head. "No, they won't agree."

The way Angel spoke told Cordelia that although he may not have thought of it
himself, he wasn't opposed to the idea. She watched as he walked over tot he
coat rack and pulled on his trench.

Angel smiled slightly as he reached in and pulled his car keys out of the
pocket. "Okay, call if you have a vision." He picked up his bags and started
walking towards the door. "Oh, and Delia?"

"Yes, Angel?" She asked sweetly.

"Don't do anything stupid. Call Gunn if you and Wes need some help."

"Yes sir." Cordelia mock saluted before waving him out the door.

Angel sighed as he made his way into the outside, where the sun had recently
set. Cordelia's idea hadn't been a bad one, but one he knew neither Spike nor
Xander would ever go for. Although he was being entirely selfish in hoping they
would. They were the main reason's Willow was still living in Sunnydale and not
in LA, where she belonged. And it wasn't like he couldn't use the help.

But despite his own personal reasons, he knew that it wasn't likely that they
would listen to him. But he could try.

As he turned his car onto the highway, Angel began to think about this
situation with Xander. Cordelia was right. It had the potential for a real
disaster. He knew of his Childe's feelings for the mortal boy, and he couldn't
help but hope that Xander's memory loss wasn't making things worse for everyone
involved.

What would happen when Xander regained his memory? Would he regain his memory?
Would he accept Spike's feelings for what they were, or would be believe what
Buffy was sure to tell him, that Spike had used him?

He didn't know, and at the moment, he really didn't want to give it too much
thought.

*******


Part Seven

Willow made her way over to Giles quietly. She wasn't ready to go home just yet, and had a feeling that her friends weren't ready for her to come home yet either. She knew that there would be questions that would need to be answered, and she wasn't sure if she had the answers, but she was equally sure they couldn't remain unasked.

She knocked quietly on the door and waited. After a minute the door was swung opened and Buffy was staring at her with a question on her face. She looked around outside, seeing if Willow was alone.

"They're not here." Willow smiled at her friend, amused by her actions.

Buffy crinkled her brows and opened her mouth in shock as the implications for what Willow had said struck her. "You left Xander alone with Spike? Please tell me you didn't. Willow?"

Willow rolled her eyes as she entered the condo. "Buffy, he's not in any danger. You know Spike can't hurt him, and I don't think he wants to."

Buffy shut the door and followed Willow into the living room where Giles sat with an amused expression. "Why? Because he's got Xander confused? We can't trust him. Evil vampire, remember that?"

Willow sighed. "I know, Buffy, but..."

"But what?" Buffy asked impatiently.

"Maybe we should start getting used to the idea of... Xander... and Spike. I mean, we don't know when he'll get his memory back. If he'll get it back."

"No, I will not even entertain the idea that Spike and Xander are.... Whatever they are. That's just ridiculous. Besides, he'll get his memory back, and then things can go back to normal."

"Perhaps Willow is right." Giles offered, not really wanting to get involved in the tense conversation, but realizing at the same time that it was unlikely that the situation with Spike was just going to go away, regardless of Xander's memory.

Buffy shook her head and stopped her foot once petulantly. "No." Then she smiled. "It doesn't matter. I called Angel. He'll fix it."

Willow gulped as she sat up straighter. Her eyes moved to Giles, who smiled apologetically at her. Closer her eyes, Willow took a deep breath, hoping Buffy didn't notice her nervousness. "You did?" She asked as she turned towards the Slayer.

"Yep." Buffy flopped down next to Willow, ignorant to her friend's nervousness. "His on his way."

Willow opened her mouth to speak and then shut it again, not sure what to say. "Oh." 

Buffy smiled. "He can stay at your house, can't he?" 

Willow's eyes widened. "My house?" She squeaked, although she wasn't sure why she was so nervous.

"Yeah, so he can keep an eye on the Bleached wonder." Buffy explained patiently.

"Yeah, sure." Willow nodded as she stood up. "I had better go, warn the lovebirds." She smiled slightly at the irritated look that passed over Buffy's features. "My guests. I'd better warn my guests." 

Buffy scowled. "Okay, bye." She watched as the redhead left and then turned back to Giles. "Is it just me, or did she seem a little strange?"

Giles smiled slightly. "I'm sure she's fine. She's probably nervous about having two vampires staying with her is all."

Buffy nodded. "Maybe, but its not like they're going to attack her or something. Fangless is impotent, and Angel... well he wouldn't attack her. He likes her." She frowned as she realized what she said. "Although, not in a *happy* kind of way. He can't like anyone like *that*, can he?" She stared expectantly at Giles, waiting for confirmation on what she had said, despite how little sense it made.

"Yes, quite." Giles stood up and made his way into the kitchen. He didn't want to continue this conversation. He didn't want to be the one to contradict Buffy's beliefs. It wasn't his place to tell her about the condition of Angel's soul, nor was it his business who Angel sought happiness with.

***** 

Willow didn't waste anytime getting home. She entered the house and flopped down on the couch. She wasn't surprised that Angel was coming to Sunnydale. That was pretty much a given, but to have Buffy call him, that was something new. The Slayer hadn't spoken to Angel in months, not since shortly after Adam and the Initiative were destroyed. She knew that while her friends relationship with the ensouled vampire had been over for a long time she didn't know how the news of Angel's present relationship would go over, which was why they had declined to tell her. But with angel in town, and staying in Willow's house, she was certain that things were about to get very complicated.

"Hey." Willow's internal musings were interrupted as Xander entered the living room.

"Hey." She smiled. "How are you?"

Xander grinned. "Good. Really good."

Willow laughed. "That's good."

"You had a phone call." He started and this odd expression came over his features. "It was Cordelia. As in Cordelia Chase. Is she really working for Angel? Your Angel?"

Willow laughed again. "Yeah, she's changed a lot from what you remember. Hell she's changed a lot from what *I* remember."

Xander nodded. A lot of things had changed. "She said Angel was on his way here."

"I heard. Buffy called him." Willow sighed and leaned back on the couch. She noticed a confused look on Xander's face. "What is it?"

"Something's not right." Xander said after a minute of trying to figure out how to say what he was thinking. 

"What do you mean?" Willow asked, focusing all of her attention on her friend.

Before he could respond, Xander clutched his head fiercely, as a sharp pain seemed to explode behind his eyes.

"Xander? A re you alright?" 

After a second, Xander shook his head, willing the pain away. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little leftover gift from whatever hit me." He smiled reassuringly. "I'll be fine."

"If you sure," Willow looked at him skeptically. When he grinned back she smiled and stood up. "I'm gonna go take a shower. Sun set an hour ago, so Angel will be here before too long. Where's Spike?" She asked as she made her way towards the stairs.

"He went out. Didn't tell me where."

Willow nodded once before disappearing up the staircase, leaving Xander alone. He could still feel the steady thrum of pain behind his eyes. Since waking up in his room earlier that afternoon, Xander had had a total of seven headaches. He wasn't sure what exactly was causing them, but he was certain they were somehow related to the bump n the head which had caused his memory loss. And he was beginning to get this little flashes of memory. Most were disjointed and didn't make any sense. He hoped that they would either continue so he could piece his memory back together, or cease so he wouldn't have to worry about it.

Running a hand through his hair as he stood up, Xander made his way into the kitchen. He was starved. Spike sure knew how to replete a man's reserves.

******

Part Eight

Angel entered Willow's house after knocking once. He wasn't sure what to
expect. Between Buffy's phone call, Xander's amnesia, Spike's lie, and his
desire to convince Willow to come back with him, he was pretty much a puddle of
confusion.

"Hello?" He called into the empty living room.

"Angel?" Xander stepped out of the kitchen and eyed the vampire carefully. He
had heard a lot about him, but it didn't really prepare him for the reality.

"So you're the studly that has my Wills' all a-flutter?" He walked around Angel
in a circle.

Angel was beginning to feel a little bit like a piece of meat. This was *not*
Xander, at least not the way he remembered him being.

"I approve." Xander finally spoke. He grinned when he was facing the vampire
again.

"You don't remember me?" Angel asked. "At all?" He knew that the boy hadn't
but it was somehow disconcerting to know that his entire history with the boy
had been changed in the blink of an eye.

Xander shook his head. "Nope. But I hear that I hated you. Spike says it was
all the Slayers fault." He grinned at the thought of his bleach blonde lover.

Angel's eyes widened ever so slightly. "The Slayer? You know she's your
friend?"

Xander shook his head as he turned back to the kitchen. "No. She was that
other guys friend, and not a very good one from what I hear." He opened the
fridge and called back into the living room. "You hungry? I think I have some
O positive in here somewhere."

"No thanks." Angel came into the kitchen and looked around. It was just as he
had remembered it, although it had been several weeks since he had visited.

"She's had a hard life." Angel returned to their previous topic.

"Crap." Xander said as he pulled out some meat and cheese.

"What?" Angel was confused.

"I said crap. She had a hard life. Well, so did I. So did Willow. So did
Jesse." He whispered the last part as he sat down at the table and motioned for
Angel to join him. When he did, Xander continued.

"You think it was easy for Willow? She was here by herself most of her life.
Looked down on and treated badly by just about everybody. Then she meets
Buffy," He said the name with distaste, "And our best friend gets killed and
thrusts her into a completely different life." He started stuffing his mouth
with alternating mixtures of meat and cheese.

"Now, I'm not saying meeting Buffy was a bad thing. I mean, she met you, and
Spike, and that Mr. Giles seems like an okay guy. I'm just saying she had
things rough, too."

"And what about you?" Angel was curious.

Xander moved his eyes from his food to the vampire and then back a gain. "My
life sucked. It probably still does, and I'm just lucky enough to have
forgotten most of it." He looked back up at the vampire. "I don't remember the
last five years of my life, but I do remember all the years before that. I
barely survived. In fact, it's an absolute miracle I didn't die of blood loss
or head trauma long before I knew vampire's existed."

Angel averted his eyes. He had always suspected that Xander had a hard home
life, but given their previous relationship was afraid to broach the subject.
Now he wished he had, if only so that the boy would have known he wasn't alone.

Abruptly Xander stood up and put his leftovers back in the fridge.

"Will's had to run an errand, and Spike is still gone. "I have to go out. Make
yourself at home."

Xander disappeared out the back door before Angel could even acknowledge that he
'd heard him.

Angel shook his head and walked back into the living room to wait. He hoped
Willow could show up soon. He missed her.

****

Xander leaned against the outside of the house and took in a deep breath as
the pain in his head escalated to dramatic proportions. He squeezed his temple
between the palms of his hands, trying to block it out.

After a couple of minutes, it began to dim slightly, and Xander stood up. He
made his way away from Willow's house. He didn't know where he was going, but
he didn't want anyone to know about the headaches.

He was sure that it was just a reaction to the bump on the head he had
suffered. No big deal. But he didn't want a repeat performance of the hospital
stay or the ridiculous round of tests they had put him through before Spike had
come in.

Xander had walked nearly three miles in the dark before he realized where it
was he was going. His headache was getting progressively worse, but hadn't yet
reached incapacitating levels, yet.

He knew he should get inside. Walking around in Sunnydale, at night wasn't
exactly safe. That much he *did* remember. But he didn't know anywhere he
could go. Anywhere he felt comfortable in going.

Willow's place was out because his headaches hadn't gone away, and Spike was
sure to be back by now. His own house wasn't an option because he still
remembered things that had happened there five years ago, as if they happened
just this morning. The scar on his lower back was just one reminder of how his
life had been.

When Spike had asked about the scar, Xander had shrugged and said he couldn't
remember, making it sound as though it had happened during his missing years.
Spike had let the matter drop but the fact that he had never told Spike the
truth brought up a few questions.

Questions he wasn't sure he wanted to ask, much less get answered. He
wondered about his relationship with the blonde vampire. He couldn't remember
ever having met him before the hospital, but at the same time, he felt a
familiarity with him. It felt as though he had known him for a long time. Like
he had some sort of connection with him. That connection was still there,
despite his lack of memories. He felt it, and enjoyed the comfort it brought
him when he realized that he had lost himself.

His entire life had been a joke and he couldn't believe that he had lost his
memory. Just like that. As if it was no big deal. Those years of his life
weren't important enough to even bother remembering. His life wasn't important.

He had woken in that hospital a different person than when he'd gone in,
although he couldn't even remember who that person had been. He'd lived in
Sunnydale his entire life, and yet, nobody was familiar to him.

No one seemed to remember him. There was a nurse working the check-in desk in
Radiology when he'd gone down for some tests. She seemed slightly familiar to
him and he'd recognized her name from her hospital I.D. She had worked in the
children's ward when he had had to have emergency surgery when the tip of a
steak knife had been imbedded in his shoulder. That was about ten years ago,
although to him it seemed like less. He remembered her clearly. She had snuck
in some junk food for him. But now, years later, she didn't remember him. He
was nothing.

Just another wasted life living on the Hellmouth.

That thought swirled around inside his damaged head a lot during those first
few hours. And then Spike had come. Spike knew him. Spike remembered him, and
according to the Doctor's introduction, Spike wanted him.

Not because he was entertaining, or goofy, or knew how to disrupt any class
with a joke. Not because he was some poor kid that should be pitied or looked
after. Not because of who and what he wasn't.

It was because of who he was, or had been.

Spike had seemed honestly concerned about his memory loss and head injury. He
had been honestly relieved to find that he wasn't going home to his basement. A
basement Xander didn't remember living in.

He didn't seem disturbed or put off by Xander's lack of any memories. He didn
't seem bothered that he couldn't remember who he was, or anything about their
relationship. Spike didn't care. And that felt good.

He felt like *somebody*, and he could never remember feeling that way.

He had heard the stories about the years helping Buffy and being a slayerette.
But it seemed hollow. As if there had been something missing. As if he had
been the towel boy standing on the sidelines, while the real athletes scored all
the points.

He didn't like that feeling, and swore that if that's the way his life had
turned out, it would change. He would change it.

Angel's arrival in Sunnydale confused him. Why had he come here? To do as
Buffy had no doubt asked and separate Xander and Spike? Or had he come because
he was concerned? He had seemed concerned when they had spoken.

Angel was different than he had expected. Well, he wasn't sure what to expect.
Between Willow's glowing, love-filled reports, and Spike's biting commentaries,
it was hard to judge. But Angel had turned out to be more than either person
had said. And he had the distinct impression that Angel was more than anyone
really knew.

And as someone who always hid himself from the world at large, he could
respect that.

Still, he didn't know what was going to happen now. Would he get his memory
back? Would he continue to help Buffy? He didn't really think that was an
option. The girl he remembered was a serious annoyance. And nothing he had
seen so far contradicted that opinion. It was clear she hated Spike. But was
that because he was a vampire, or because of something else?

Spike. That was another part of the equation. What was going on with them?
They were lovers, certainly, and possibly friends. But was that all? If Xander
decided to go somewhere else, find out who he really was, would Spike come with
him?

Would Spike get irritated if and when Xander's memory didn't come back? Would
he leave when he didn't regain his memory? Or would leave when all his memories
came flooding back? So many questions and he didn't have an answer for any of
them.

The pain in his head was escalating, making his internal concerns a moot
point. He looked around, for the first time in the past hour.

He was in the cemetery. Not really a good idea. It was one of the small
cemeteries, but still a dangerous place to me after dark. His headache was
getting worse, and the pain was causing his vision to blur. <Maybe I should
have stayed at Wills.> he thought absently as he fell to the ground and lost
consciousness, slamming his head into a stone gravemarker.

****

Part Nine

"He's evil." Buffy reiterated for what Riley believed was the fiftieth time
since they entered the last cemetery on their patrol route.

"This way." Riley pointed in one direction.

Buffy followed him and continued to rant on the evils of one peroxide vampire.
Riley was about ready to suggest that they do one final sweep and then go home
when something caught his attention. He stopped walking and turned around,
heading towards the far end of the cemetery. Buffy hadn't noticed his slight
detour and continued on their original path.

When Riley reached the edge of the cemetery, he saw Xander, lying on the ground
near a group of graves. His head was lying on a stone tombstone, which had been
knocked over at some point in the past.

"Xander?" Riley asked as he checked the boy over. He was unconscious but
breathing steadily. "Buffy! It's Xander!"

Buffy was at his side in a couple of minutes. "What happened?"

Riley shrugged as he turned to her. "I don't know. I found him like this. We
should get him to the hospital."

Buffy nodded and the two of them carried Xander to Sunnydale General Hospital,
hoping that he would be all right.

*****

Spike entered Willow's house and was instantly aware that Xander wasn't
there. He found Willow and Angel on the couch, reaffirming their love. Spike
wanted to snort in disgust, until he remembered the loving he had done on that
very same couch.

"Where is he?"

Angel tore his gaze away from Willow. "Who?"

Spike scowled. "Xander. Who else, you ponce?"

"He isn't back yet?" Angel asked, suddenly realizing that Xander wasn't back.
He hadn't given the mortal boy much thought since Willow had come home.

"He should have been back by now." Willow stood up, a look of worry crossing
her face.

"Where did he go?" Spike asked as patiently as he could muster.

"He didn't say."

Spike growled. "You didn't ask? You just let him walk out of here, just like
that?"

"It's not Angel's fault." Willow spoke softly.

"Xander can take care of himself." Angel replied, not wanting to think that his
carelessness had gotten the boy hurt.

"Maybe. Maybe not." Spike tore out of the house, with Willow and Angel right
behind him.

****

Buffy paced angrily in the hospital's waiting room while the doctors were
examining Xander.

"This is all his fault." Buffy snapped, breaking the tense silence.

"How do you figure?" Riley asked, knowing exactly whom she was referring to.

"Spike has him all confused. He doesn't know what's true anymore. He didn't
know the dangers, and went wondering around outside after dark."

"Buffy, he isn't a child." Riley reminded her.

"No? Then why is he acting like one?" He continued pacing. "He's acting like
I'm the enemy. Doesn't he see that it's Spike? Spike is the enemy." She
paused in her rant and turned to Riley. "You don't think Spike hurt him do you?
Left him in the Cemetery to die?"

"Buffy." Riley began, "Buffy, calm down. It's probably nothing. I didn't see
any marks or bruises on him, so I'm sure he just."

"What, passed out, fell asleep? I doubt it." Buffy started pacing again.

"Excuse me?" A nurse stepped into the waiting room. "You're here with Mr.
Harris?" When Buffy and Riley nodded, she smiled. "You can go in and see him
now."

"Thank God." Buffy rushed past the nurse and ran down the hall.

"Thank you." Riley smiled at the nurse.

"He's in room 243." The nurse smiled back. "Good luck."

Riley walked down the hall wondering what kind of luck he was going to need.
And then groaned to himself when he saw Buffy interrogating some poor orderly
about Xander's whereabouts.

"Buffy, it's this way. Room 243." The former-commando led his girlfriend down
the hallway and entered the room.

"Xander!" Buffy screeched when she saw him. He was standing next to a bed,
finishing getting dressed.

When he saw her, Xander sighed heavily. "Buffy." He turned to look at the guy
with her and appraised him silently. "You must be Riley."

Riley smiled. "Yep. It's nice to meet you." He held out a hand to shake.

Xander took the hand and smiled. Riley was the first person to act like they
were meeting for the first time, although he knew they had met before. "You
too."

"You gave us quite a scare." Riley stepped back and Buffy looked Xander over
carefully.

"What happen, Xan? Were you attacked? You know you shouldn't go out after
dark."

Xander stepped back away from her. She made him nervous, but he wasn't certain
why. Supposedly she was one of his closest friends, but she was acting like he
was a lost child.

"I'm fine, Buff. Really." He looked at her for a second before turning to
Riley, who seemed less condescending. "Can we go now?"

Riley nodded. "Come on, Buffy. He's probably tired."

"Okay, but we're taking him to Giles. I want to talk to him." Buffy regarded
Riley for a moment, silently asking him to agree. Riley nodded.

Xander groaned to himself. All he really wanted was to go back to Willow's, but
he was too tired to argue with her. His head still hurt, and his mind was
filled with everything the doctor had told him.

"Let's go." Xander grabbed his coat and left the room before anything else
could be said.

****

Spike made his way towards the Watcher's house. He had split up from Angel
and Willow after they had searched through the cemetery. Angel and Willow had
decided to make another search through some of Xander's old hangouts from before
he met the Slayer on their way back to Willow's house.

Angel thought they would probably find him back at the house, wondering where
everyone else was.

Spike wasn't so confident. He had a bad feeling. He couldn't really place
it, but it had settled in the pit of his stomach and refused to budge.
Everything had been fine when he'd left earlier. He had some things to take
care of. People who still owed him favors, despite his recent unpopularity.

He was hoping to talk Angel into taking Xander and he back to Los Angeles with
him, although he wasn't entirely certain how that would go over. Both with his
sire, or his lover.

Angel would normally jump at the chance, given the fact that if Xander weren't
in Sunnydale, Willow would have no reason to stay either. But having both
Xander and Spike in Los Angeles was something else altogether. And wherever
Xander went, Spike would be, regardless of what happened with his memory.

He couldn't go back to the way things were before, not after knowing how good
they could be. He knew that he would have to tell him the truth, and soon.
This scare with his disappearance reminded Spike of just how much a part of him
Xander had become. Even before the accident, before the amnesia and the lie,
Xander had firmly insinuated himself into Spike's life, without either of them
even realizing it.

When he saw that demon holding Xander by the throat, he froze, a fear he hadn'
t known in a long time, if ever, enveloping him. Nothing else seemed to matter
at that moment, except killing the demon and getting to Xander.

Now, days later not much had changed. He was still worried for Xander's
safety although now he wasn't entirely certain what the threat was. And now, he
knew why he had reacted the way he had. He was in love with him.

In love with that goofy, sometimes annoying, surprisingly intelligent,
extremely sexy mortal boy. He was way past fighting the emotion, and way past
caring who knew.

All that remained now was to tell Xander and hope that he didn't laugh in his
face. But first, he had to find him.

****

"Buffy, I'm fine." Xander said for the third time through clenched teeth.

"No, Xander, you're not." Buffy stood up and paced the length of Giles' living
room.

The former watcher had, wisely, gone upstairs not wanting to get in the line
of fire when Xander's temper finally blew, which, anyone who was paying
attention could see would be very soon. Buffy wasn't paying sufficient
attention, so she didn't see the signs.

Riley on the other hand, was starting to think that maybe he should intervene.
"Buffy, give it a rest."

Buffy ignored him and focused all of her attention on Xander. "This is wrong,
Xander. *So* wrong."

Xander looked up, his dark eyes filled with anger. "Why, Buffy? Because you
say it is? I realize that I've lost a few years, but I don't recall anything
about you becoming the center of the universe." He paused as if to think for a
second and then turned his full attention back to Buffy. "What is it that bugs
you so much? The fact that Spike's a vampire? The fact that I'm fucking him,
or is it because you couldn't have Angel, so you think no one else should be
happy?"

Buffy opened her mouth as if to respond but no sound would come out. She opened
and closed her mouth several times after that, no sound escaping.

Xander turned his attention to Riley. "And what's you're problem with. Hostile
17?" He said the words with ice dripping from every syllable remembering what
Willow had told him about the Initiative.

Riley held up his hands in defense. "No problem here." He turned to look at
Buffy. She was staring at him, waiting for him to back her up. It was at that
moment that he saw things clearly, perhaps for the first time. He turned back
to Xander. "I've got no problem with *Spike*." He emphasized the name over the
label. He stood up and turned to look at Buffy for a brief second before
turning back to Xander.

"See you around, Xander." He headed for the door and then stopped. "If you
need anything, you know where to reach me." He hesitated for a moment and then
smiled slightly. "Or maybe you don't."

Xander laughed. "Thanks, Riley, you're an okay guy."

Riley smiled and left the apartment, leaving Xander alone with a silently fuming
Slayer.

"Well?" Xander asked staring at Buffy pointedly. "What exactly is your
problem?"

Buffy's eyes narrowed at the man who used to be her friend. She couldn't believe
he couldn't see why this was so wrong. "He's *Spike*" She emphasized his name.

Xander rolled his eyes. "Yes, and I'm Xander, you're Buffy, and that guy who
just walked out of here in what was probably his smartest move to date, was
Riley. What's your point?"

"He's evil!" She shouted, refusing to discuss Riley. "He's lying to you. You
were never involved before. You shouldn't be involved now. He doesn't care
about you. He doesn't even *like* you!"

Xander stood up, his own insecurities coming to the surface, but refusing to
acknowledge them to this creature which he was having difficulty associating
with a friend. Would a friend act this way?

"Why?" His voice was level. "Why would he do this? Why would he lie?"

Buffy groaned. "He's evil. He doesn't need a reason. But if he did, it's just
to get back at you. To get to me. Another one of his games."

Xander thought about that and thought about that possibility and then shook his
head. He didn't believe that. He knew that his Spike was capable of such a
thing. But when they had made love, they connected, and that couldn't be faked.

"How do you know that we weren't involved?" Xander asked evenly.

"What?" Buffy asked confused. "You weren't! You would have told me."

Xander raised an eyebrow. "Would I? Considering how you just reacted? I don't
think so. Seems more than likely I'd keep it a secret at any cost. That would
be smarter, and safer." He stepped closer to her, invading her personal space.
"Do I strike you as someone dumb?"

Buffy didn't know what to say. A few days ago, even a few hours ago she would
have said yes, even if not to his face, but now? Now she wasn't so sure.

Before she could even answer him the front door opened and the growling figure
of a vamped-out Spike entered the room.

Buffy paled slightly at the hate she saw in the vampire's eyes. It was
different than the usual anger he showed her, more primal, and more dangerous.
She turned to look at Xander. "If he's so great, why did I find you passed out
in the middle of the cemetery like some smorgasbord?"

Spike's growls became louder at that news. Xander turned to face him. "I'm
fine. Let's go. I'm done here."

He walked out the front door, past his lover and away from Buffy.

****

Spike growled at the Slayer once more before turning around and following
Xander out the door. The relief he felt at seeing Xander unharmed was short
lived when he had heard Buffy's words.

"What happened?" He asked as he fell into step beside his lover.

Xander didn't misunderstand the question, but chose to avoid it. "She was just
telling me how evil you are."

Spike stopped Xander with a firm grip on his arm. "Why won't you tell me the
truth?"

Xander looked into those deep blue eyes and he was on the verge of a breakdown.
"Why won't you?"

Spike stared into those deep brown eyes. He knew this was it. He had to come
clean. "Okay. I lied. We weren't together before the hospital."

Xander looked away trying to process the information. It wasn't a complete
shock, but he wasn't sure how to react, especially with what he'd found out at
the hospital. Now, it was somehow urgent that he find out why Spike had lied.

He walked away from the vampire, but only a few feet. "Why?"

Spike just stared at him for a second, not sure if he had heard the question.
He didn't know what he expected, but this wasn't it. Xander seemed so. lost.
Which wasn't like his Xander, not now, or before.

"I love you." It was the simplest, and most honest answer he could come up
with.

Xander looked up at him. He wasn't expecting that answer, and for a minute he
expected to see some sort of joke written on Spike's face, amusement in his
eyes. But when their eyes locked, all he saw was fear.

"No. You don't. You can't." Xander walked the short distance until he was
standing just inches away from his lover. "Spike. Nothing good can come of
this. We don't have the time." His voice was hoarse with emotion.

"Why not?" Spike asked as he gripped Xander's shoulders. "We have an
eternity."

Xander shook his head sadly, wincing slightly as the pain started building again
at the movement. "You have eternity. I don't."

Before Spike could say anything else, Xander lost his footing and fell into
spike's arms, clutching his head in pain.

****

Part Ten


"What is taking so bloody long?" Spike snarled as he paced the length of the
waiting room.

It had been almost an hour since he had brought Xander into the emergency room
after he had collapsed not far from the Watcher's house. And over twenty
minutes since some overly cheerful nurse had directed him to a waiting room and
told him the Doctor would be out shortly.

He turned and began to pace in the opposite direction. He had spent entirely
too much time in the hospital recently. Xander's original injury, the one that
had caused his memory loss, still loomed in his mind. He still remembered how
he reacted to seeing him in the hands of the demon. The anger and fear that had
plagued him, and realization of what caused those feelings.

Now, only a handful of days later, he was back in the hospital, waiting,
again, for some doctor to come and tell him what was wrong with his human. Only
now, he found himself dreading the worst.

He remembered what the Slayer had said about finding him unconscious. And
painfully, he remembered that Xander hadn't intended to tell him about that. He
couldn't help but wonder why.

What didn't Xander want him to know? And what was that nonsense about him not
having time? Xander had seemed reluctant to believe that he was loved. But not
for his own sake. The mortal's concern seemed to be more for Spike than for
himself.

"Excuse me?"

Spike stopped his pacing and turned at the sound of the voice. The doctor was
standing in the doorway to the waiting room. It was the doctor he had spoken to
when he had first brought Xander into the hospital. The one he had told the lie
to.

"Where is he?" Spike demanded.

The doctor walked further into the room, seemingly not put off my Spike's gruff
attitude.

"We need to talk about something. Mr..?"

"Spike."

The doctor nodded. "Of course. You're type don't have last names, do you?"

Spike raised an eyebrow at that comment but then filed it away for later
examination. There were other, more important things to worry about. "What's
wrong with him?"

The doctor sighed. "Did he tell you what we told him earlier?"

"Earlier?" Spike asked, not liking the direction this conversation seemed to be
headed.

"He was brought into the emergency room earlier this evening, unconscious. We
ran some more tests, although I have to tell you, I wasn't expecting any change
from my original results."

"What's. Wrong. With. Him?" Spike asked, punctuation each word with a snarl.

"Come with me." The doctor turned and walked out of the room.

Spike followed him down a hallway and into another room. After several seconds
the doctor pulled out some X-rays and some other things that Spike couldn't
recognize.

He pointed to one X-ray in particular. From what he could tell it was a
picture of Xander's skull. There were two separate dark spots on what would
otherwise have been a normal X-ray. The doctor pointed to one of them and then
the other.

"See this, here and here," The doctor turned back to Spike, a sadness in his
eyes. "They're not supposed to be there. They are pressing against this
section of tissue right here," He pointed at a section of the X-ray next to one
of the black spots. "If he doesn't get it relieved, he'll die."

Spike's demon roared at the very idea of his pet dying, but his rational mind
caught something in the way the doctor spoke. "Are you saying there is
something you can do?"

"Can do, yes, but." The doctor started.

"But, nothing. Do whatever the bloody hell you have to!" Spike snarled.

"It's not that simple." The doctor held up his hands in an attempt to stop
Spike from advancing on him any further. "Mr. Harris is refusing treatment."

Spike stopped cold. <Refusing treatment?> "Where is he?"

"Room 237." The doctor spoke softly and watched as his patient's lover stalked
out of the room. He hoped he could talk some sense into Xander. He was
entirely too young to die.

****

Xander lay in the uncomfortable hospital bed and stared at the ceiling. He
pretended to ignore the beeping noises of the monitor they had attached to his
heart and the stupid little IV they had given him. He would have protested
heartily, but he had been unconscious at the time, and it didn't look as though
he was going to be able to get out of here as easily this time.

His thoughts were confirmed when the door to his room was opened and someone
walked in. Xander turned his head slightly to see the identity of the newcomer.
He paled slightly when Spike turned to the nurse who was still setting up the
monitor's.

"Leave." He barked.

The nurse turned concerned eyes to Xander. Xander smiled reassuringly. "It's
alright. "His bark is worse than his bite."

The nurse left and Spike turned to face his lover. "Why?"

Xander wasn't certain but that one word conveyed more than entire lecture could
have. "You wouldn't understand." Xander's voice was barely above a whisper.

Spike sat down on the edge of the bed. "Explain it to me."

Xander looked up at his lover, the one person who seemed to care for him beyond
anything that made any sense to him. He stared into those ice-blue eyes as he
spoke. "Who am I? Am I a person? A Joke? What am I?"

"You're Xander. My friend, my lover. The strangest, most stubborn human I have
ever met." Spike answered. He wasn't entirely certain what his lover was
asking, but that was the only answer he could come up with. "Why won't you let
them treat you, Luv? Do you *want* to die?"

Xander laughed, but it wasn't a humorous sound. "No, God no." He paused,
trying to decide if he could speak about this to Spike, trying to decide if he
could trust him. Suddenly, he realized he already did. He looked away as he
spoke, "I don't remember who I was before I lost my memory. I don't remember
this great friendship I was supposed to have with Buffy or Giles. I don't
remember this hate relationship I was supposed to have with Angel. I don't
remember how Willow and I have grown apart, or any number of a zillion things
that have happened in the past few years." He paused, taking a deep breath.
"But I do remember everything before that. I remember my entire childhood, if
you could call it that. I remember Jesse and Willow and the trust we had for
one another. I remember the nightmare of my childhood. I remember the hours I
spent in this very hospital. Being treated, interrogated, threatened, but most
of all, I remember the tests, and the things they did to me. The hours that I
spent being X-rayed. The bones I broke and the consistent reminders that sooner
or later I would end up dead." He stopped and looked into Spike's eyes once
more. "You know there was a poll going around about how long I would survive.
The most optimistic guess was until I was ten. Ten years old. How pathetic is
that?"

Xander shook his head from a flood of memories. "The longer I lived, the more
confident I became that I didn't deserve to live. That my death would have been
a relief, not only to myself, but to everyone else."

"That's what I think surprised me the most." Xander turned his gaze back to the
ceiling. "I woke up in that hospital room, and I had had lost five years of my
life. And I was still alive. Almost twenty years old, and still breathing. I
outlived all their guesses. That seemed somehow.wrong."

"What if I never get my memories back? What If I never remember a time when I
was something else? A time when people actually cared about me? What if I die
without the knowledge that I was ever something else? Something more? Wouldn'
t that be better?"

"No!" Spike stood up and began pacing around the room in frustration. "You are
going to let them do whatever the bloody hell they need to and then we're
leaving!"

"Leaving?" Xander asked in confusion.

"Yes. We're getting out of this damned town. It's cursed."

Xander couldn't help but laugh. "Cursed? I don't know if I'd go that far,
but." He hesitated. "Could we really do that? Leave I mean. Would you want
to?" For this first time since waking up and discovering an endless black hole
where his memories should be, he felt hope. "I thought you liked it here?"

Spike stopped and turned around. "No, I like you. Hell, pet, I love you."

Xander allowed a small smile to appear on his lips. "You said that."

"That I did. And I don't say that to just anybody."

Xander was about to comment on that when he felt a wave of dizziness overcome
him. He pressed his two hands to his temples, trying to block out the pain he
knew was coming. He forced an eye open, to look at his lover. "So, you think I
should have the treatment?"

"It's either that or let the Ponce turn you." He smiled at the brief look of
shock on Xander's face. "Because I am *not* giving you up. Not now, not ever."

Xander felt a warmth in his heart at those words. "Okay, tell the Doc I'll let
him carve me up."

Spike smiled, pleased he had convinced Xander to cooperate because he wasn't
certain what he would have done otherwise. He left the room to find the doctor.
He wasn't wasting any time.

*****

//Three Weeks Later//

"You're making a mistake." Buffy's voice grated on Xander's nerves.

"Then it's mine to make." He took the last bag and walked towards the door.
Buffy was blocking his way, and severely trying his patience. "Move. Out. Of.
The. Way" He growled between clenched teeth.

"See?" Buffy asked waving her arms at him as if she had proven a point.

"See what?" Xander asked after taking a deep breath.

"You're already acting like him. Growling like some sort of animal." She
stepped aside allowing him to leave, but just as quickly followed him out the
door and continued her explanation. "You're short tempered, Xander. You should
stay here. Let me help you."

Xander placed the bag in the trunk and slammed it before turning to face his
former friend. "I don't need to be helped. Not by you, or anyone else. I'm
leaving because *I* want to, not because I was brainwashed into it by my lover.
Just as Willow left Sunnyhell two weeks ago with her lover, because it was
something she *wanted* to do." He watched as Buffy flinched at the word 'lover'
, both in reference to Willow and in reference to his relationship with Spike.

"Doesn't it bother you that he lied? That you were not. anything before you
lost your memory?" Buffy asked in a last ditch effort to get him to see reason,
completely ignoring the reference to Willow.

"No, Buffy, it doesn't." He turned to face the Slayer and sighed. "We all do
things we're not proud of. We all lie." His lips quirked slightly in a scary
duplication of Spike's patented smirk. "I seem to recall hearing about several
lies you yourself told in reference to one brooding creature of the night. Now
I may not personally remember them, but that doesn't mean they weren't told."

Xander turned and made his way back into Willow's house to grab his last bag.
He had continued to stay there while he recovered from his surgery, even after
Willow had left to go to Los Angeles with Angel.

Giles was standing in the kitchen sipping some tea while Buffy futilely tried
to knock some sense into the stubborn amnesiac.

"That wasn't the same!" Buffy insisted as she followed him back into the house.

Xander flopped down on the couch and turned to face Buffy. "Why?"

Buffy seemed confused for a moment. "Because I loved Angel."

"And Spike loves me." He turned to Giles. "Has she always been this
thick-skulled?"

Giles smiled. "Yes, well."

"Giles!" Buffy whined. "You're not helping!"

"Neither are you." Spike spoke as he came down the stairs, duster in hand.
"You ready, Luv?" He asked motioning to Xander.

Xander nodded. "Yes." He turned to Giles. "It's been. nice getting to know
you, again." He grinned slightly. "Tell soldier boy I'll give him a call when
I know where we're headed."

Giles nodded and then frowned, as his words became clear. "You don't know where
you're going? I thought you would be going to LA with. Angel and Willow."

Xander shook his head. "Maybe eventually. But I need to figure out who I am
first."

Giles smiled softly in understanding. "Take care of yourself." He came around
and hugged Xander and then looked at the vampire over Xander's shoulder. "You
too, Spike."

Xander pulled away and walked towards the door. "Let's go Blondie."

Spike grinned and followed his love out the door.

"Later. It's been. fun."

Giles couldn't help but smile as he watched the two leave Willow's driveway
and their lives. He had no delusions that he may never see Xander again, and
somehow that was all right. He knew that he would be just fine.

In the three weeks since his surgery, Giles had made an effort to get to know
Xander all over again, and while he wasn't the same young man he had known
before, he liked him just the same, if not more.

He was different, but not in a bad way. There had been a time when the former
watcher would have worried about Xander's relationship with Spike. Not because
Spike was an evil, soulless vampire, but because he thought that maybe he would
allow said vampire more control than he should have.

That fear never appeared with this new Xander. Xander wasn't about to let
Spike control him, if indeed he ever had been. Giles had realized that the
Xander they were seeing now was not much different than the Xander they had
always known. The difference being, he didn't hide behind the way other people
saw him. That was good.

He wished them all the best.

Shaking his head from his own thoughts, Giles began locking up Willow's house
so he could send her the keys. He was only half listening as Buffy continued to
complain about Xander's poor decision.

"Do shut up, Buffy." Giles spoke with only a slight hint of irritation as he
left the house and climbed into his own car, leaving Buffy bewildered on the
sidewalk, her mouth opening and closing in shock.

****

The End