Heart & Mind
by Little Pinky
Sometimes, love hits us in unexpected ways. Sometimes, you find love where
you least expect it. Sometimes, you fool yourself into believing that the
person you love the most will love you back for the rest of your lives, only
it doesn't turn out that way. Sometimes, you believe that what you share is
just a fling, but then suddenly realizes that it's grown into full-fledged
love, and you have to cry with happiness.
And sometimes, you fall in love with somebody you shouldn't really love.
I'm about to tell you a little story. I think you know the characters
already, but the plot might have a little twist, this time.
I suppose I should start with 'Once upon a time?'
Well - once upon a time, there was a little boy. That boy lost his puppy
when he was a kid. The small dog ran out into the street and got hit by a
car. And that day, the little boy swore deeply that if his friends ever were
in danger from that day on, he would protect them, no matter what. Somehow.
And Xander Harris kept his promise.
He protected those he cared for, and he paid an incredible prize for it.
It was an ordinary day for me and my friends. Nothing much to do, because
the sun was still up, but I couldn't sleep so I went up to the office.
Cordelia and Wesley were already there, friendly banter flying back and
forth as they discussed one of the many things they always argue about. I
greeted them, poured myself some coffee, then retreated to my office.
Here at Angel Investigations, we don't have a whole lot of clients.
Therefor, I looked up when the phone rang and Cordelia gave a happy squeal.
I saw her pick up the receiver and then heard her say "Angel Investigations,
how may I direct your call?" in her best professional voice.
Then her face fell, before it brightened again. "Willow!"
At that, I stood up and left my office to walk out to Wesley and Cordelia.
"Yes, yes, we're great! It's good to hear from you, Willow! So - tell me
*everything* Sunnydale, huh?"
Then her face fell again, and a feeling started to sneak up on me. Something
was very wrong.
"What?" my friend asked, her entire body stiffening as her face went pale in
disbelief. "No, there's... there's got to be some mistake, Wills... Yeah,
but if they're saying that, they're wrong!"
Another long pause, and a lone tear slipped out of her eye.
"Yeah, we'll be there. Tonight."
Then she hung up.
"We have to go," she said quietly, and I feared the question at the tip of
my tongue. I didn't want to know, I didn't want to! But still, it came
tumbling out, the word lone and too loud in the dead silent room.
"Who?"
Cordelia's eyes were raised to meet mine, and another tear escaped and ran
down her cheek.
"Xander."
And that's how it all started.
Xander had tried to protect Willow from a Korvhall demon. Korvhall demons
aren't large in size, but they have four long tentacles, and they are
incredibly strong. The demon had grabbed Xander and thrown him almost
thirty-five feet up in the air. He landed on the pavement, head first.
The doctors had said it was a wonder his neck or back wasn't broken.
Small blessings...
The fall gave Xander a serious head injury. He had to learn almost
everything all over again - he had to learn how to walk, to talk, to tie his
shoelaces and to dress. He just didn't remember how to do it.
The months ticked by.
Cordelia, Wesley and I stayed in Sunnydale, helping with Xander. Luckily, he
was a fast learner, and after about nine months, you almost couldn't tell
the difference from before and after his accident. Almost.
God, he was so bright... I remember the amazement among us all as he spoke
his first word all over again, the joy when he took his first steps - the
laughter and smiles that appeared every time he relearned something or
recaptured another bit of his past.
I have no idea how a human being as bright as Xander Harris managed to not
ace every single exam he went through in school.
His parents? Now, that's a laugh. He had Giles listed as person to contact
in case of an
emergency, and when Willow had called their house, they could barely speak
their son's name, too drunk to remember and way too drunk to care.
So we cared for him. And we stayed with him. The gang. The Scoobies, as he
once called us.
We were with him through his physical therapy sessions, the endless hours
spent relearning how to speak and the long months it took him to learn how
to write again. Of course, the really big step was when he learned to speak
again. And you know what his first word was?
'Spike.'
My arrogant bastard of a Childe, Spike. I think you've seen him around,
right? Bleached blonde, stupid as a bagel, British, wearing an aura of
confidence that could scare the hell out of anybody - and completely
harmless.
It was a day full of surprises.
Nobody had really seen Spike around for months, and nobody cared, Xander
being everybody's first priority. Then, one night, he just sauntered into
the hospital as if he owned the place. Everybody looked up as he entered the
room, and then Xander said it. He said "Spike." It was a bit hesitant and
slightly odd sounding, but he said it.
That evening, we realized two things; Xander really was able to speak - and
he remembered Spike.
Nobody had told him about Spike, and yet he remembered.
And as he relearned how to speak, he could tell us about it. He confessed to
knowing who we all were - instinctively - but he didn't remember any of the
events in the past. Yet he remembered every single thing about Spike up
until the night of the accident. But he didn't remember anything else. He
didn't remember going to high school before Spike entered his life, he
didn't remember the Mayor, he didn't remember Faith or Wesley, he didn't
remember kindergarten and he didn't remember his road trip. He didn't
remember his parent's either.
God, that was a horrible day.
We'd all been dreading the question since we discovered that Spike and the
events surrounding him was the only thing he remembered. It wasn't until
over a year had passed that he asked. We were all surprised he'd lasted that
long.
We were in his apartment, his days at the hospital and the physical clinic
long past. Everybody was scurrying about, doing our best to spoil him
rotten, when he suddenly looked off into space and asked "Who were my
parents?"
You might as well have pressed the pause button on a tape. Everybody froze
simultaneously, heads turning towards him.
Words continued to come out of his mouth, stumbling and a little unclear as
the art of speaking wasn't yet perfected.
"I mean, you have not mentioned them earlier... And I just wonder... Are
they dead?"
Silence reigned for a long while, before Buffy nodded and said, "Yes,
Xander. They're dead."
Everybody seemed content with leaving it at that. Because they were dead to
Xander in our eyes. He didn't need to know about their drinking and hazard
life. If they hadn't cared enough to call him in over a year, even when he
was injured, he didn't need them. I couldn't agree more, at the time, as I
was familiar with the bastard-parents issue...
That was one of the two things we never told Xander about. The other one
being his accident. To this day, he doesn't know all the details about
his... fall. Nobody likes to talk about it much. I can understand that. It's
in the past, and you can't change the past, unfortunately.
He wouldn't have known about his parents either, if not...
God...
Spike sauntered in, like he always did, and started yelling at everybody.
About how he could hear our lies all the way across town, and about how we
weren't really Xander's friends if we didn't at least tell him the truth, no
matter how horrible it was.
Xander just looked at us with an incredibly hurt expression in those brown
eyes, before he turned to Spike. My Childe immediately shut up, then took
Xander's arm and led him out the door.
"Where are you taking him?" Buffy asked, immediately suspicious. I don't
blame her.
"Out for a walk so we can have a chat," Spike replied in his usual snappy
manner, with an added, "bint," just as the door closed behind them.
Nobody found the fact that Spike defended Xander too odd. They'd been
hanging out a lot, although nobody seemed to understand why. I did, though.
Spike was the only sure thing in Xander's world. The only thing he had a
memory of and knew with certainty was true and real. My Childe is also
either lying through his teeth or honest to the bone - no white lies - and I
knew that if Xander asked him, something he probably did, Spike would tell
him about his past. The events he couldn't remember.
Buffy didn't like it, though.
So she sent me out after them to keep an eye on them.
I found them quickly, a bit down the road. They were sitting on the
sidewalk. It was pretty late - past midnight - so the street was deserted. I
was about to approach them and make them aware of my presence when my
vampire ears picked up pieces of their conversation.
And something stopped me.
I stayed in the shadows. I lurked. And I listened.
"Your parents are alcoholic," Spike said. He was blunt as usual. But the
harshness that usually could be found in his voice wasn't there. Instead, he
sounded sympathetic.
"The witch tried to call them when you first were injured, but they didn't
want anything to do with it. Thought it would be too many hospital bills and
too much of a hassle to have a kid with a brain damage."
Xander looked as if he might cry for a moment.
"Why?" he asked, sounding for all the world like a lost, little boy. "Am I?"
"What?"
"A hassle."
I felt my eyes fill at the broken words, and I longed to reach out to
Xander. He was my friend and seeing him hurt, also hurt me deeply.
"No," Spike immediately replied, surprising me slightly. "Absolutely not!
Why would you be a hassle?"
Xander's answer really broke my heart.
"Because I'm stupid," he whispered, and I probably wouldn't even have heard
it if I didn't have vampiric hearing.
Spike's pale hands immediately clamped down on Xander's shoulder, and for a
split second I almost rushed forward to stop him from killing my friend.
Harmless or not, I didn't trust my Childe *that* much.
But then he spoke.
And his words spoke of pain.
"Listen to me," he said, staring at Xander. "You are *not* stupid. You are
*not* stupid, Xander, you got that? You are *not* stupid! Anybody tell you
otherwise, and they'll literally end up with their bloody heads stuffed up
their arse!"
Xander just looked down and nodded.
"You are *not* stupid," Spike repeated, and he continued his mantra until
Xander finally looked up again.
"That's more like it," he said, a slight grin forming across his mouth. "You
know how I know this?" he then asked, a finger coming up to repeatedly
stroke across Xander's cheek.
I think Xander actually blushed.
"Because you love me," he whispered, and my mouth dropped open.
"That's right," Spike said back. He was still grinning, but I know my
Childe. He wasn't happy. I could hear the unshed tears through his voice,
and I could see the invisible tremble through his actions.
Then they kissed.
Xander kissed Spike.
Spike kissed Xander.
Spike and Xander kissed.
And I knew that I had never really known painful love at all.
I didn't reveal myself. Instead I just walked back to the apartment and told
the others that I couldn't find them. Then I stayed there until Xander and
Spike got back.
I never did tell Buffy or the rest of the gang about what I witnessed that
night. Spike keeps Xander sane, and I think that's for the best for
everybody. Besides, I know that Buffy would stake Spike no matter what, if
she found out.
Xander's getting along fine, now. It's been over three years since his
accident, and although his memory is still frazzled and practically ruined,
he has begun to remember bits and pieces about his life before Spike and
before the accident. He still lives in his apartment, but he now lives
alone, without a Scooby Gang constantly hanging around. At least that's what
he says he does.
I went to Sunnydale for a surprise visit not too long ago, and I noticed
that his single bed had been replaced by a double. I also spotted a pair of
black jeans looking suspiciously like Spike's, sticking out of a drawer.
I'm not saying I approve completely. I still don't trust Spike, and
sometimes I just have to go up to Sunnydale and kick his ass. Mostly because
he annoys the hell out of me, and a little because I *can.* But all in all,
I think they're good for each other.
I know that Spike loves with heart and mind when he does. I've been blessed
with that love once. And I'm happy that Xander now has it. Of course, at the
time I had it, things were very different - which is why I can still call it
a blessing - but Xander's lucky, anyway.
I wish I could finish this story with a gentle smile and a "And they lived
happily every after," but I can't. I don't know how it will end yet. But I
pray that they will get their "happily ever after." I think they deserve
it - even Spike, despite his arrogance.
Love isn't always what you expect it to be. I know Xander and Spike hasn't
had it easy. I don't know if they know that I saw them that night, and I
don't know if they care. Right now, I just hope they'll continue to stay
together, because like I said, I think they're good for each other.
And I think Spike has managed to get Xander to realize that his brain damage
didn't make him stupid. What do you know, eh?
It's not quite a "happily ever after."
But it'll do for now.
End
