Spike carefully let his fingers drift over his lover's abdomen, watching as
the muscles
unconsciously quivered slightly under his featherlight touch. Moving his
eyes to Xander's face, the blonde vampire smiled before he lost the happy
expression on his face and scolded himself for being what he referred to as
'an emotional sap'.

Spike and Xander had officially been an item for almost a year, now, and the
couple had seen their fair share of ups and downs, especially as a result of
the abuse the boy suffered from his father.

It had taken Spike a total of eight months and many hours of nagging to
finally convince Xander that moving out of his parent's basement was the
safest thing to do, and after a lot of arguments, hesitance, insecurity,
tears and even more sex, the two men had finally moved together in an
underground apartment Giles had bought through an old friend.

Xander was still a bit insecure about himself, and sometimes he had
nightmares, but Spike was always there, comforting and loving him. At least
now the boy didn't come home about once a week with fresh bruises various
places on his body.

His parents, especially not his father, hadn't been pleased with the fact
that he was moving out, but now it didn't even seem like they cared. They
never called, they never spoke, they never got together on any occasions,
not even for Christmas. It was like they didn't have a son, like they never
produced one together. And truth be told, Xander was happy with it.

He was insecure, sometimes, and his father's abuse had both traumatized and
scarred him, but he knew he had friends who loved him and cared for him, and
he knew that no matter what, Spike would be there for him.

"Xander, pet?"

Spike nudged the boy's sleeping form carefully with one hand, and the mortal
stirred slightly, turning over on his side, facing Spike.

"Xander, you have to wake up."

Watching Xander's eyes flutter open, Spike grinned and waited to Xander had
rubbed the sleep out of his eyes before he spoke again.

"You have to get up, pet, or you'll be late for work."

Yawning and stretching, Xander sat up and sighed deeply. "Uuuh," he moaned,
immediately sinking back onto the pillow again and the blonde vampire
chuckled. "Don't wanna work," Xander complained. "Wanna sleep."

"You have to work," Spike explained, an amused grin on his face. "Or you'll
lose your job, you'll end up broke, we won't get any food or blood and..."

"Okay, okay, I get it," Xander said, interrupting Spike's speech. "But know
that this is all your fault."

"My fault?" Spike asked with a chuckle, as Xander got up and walked over to
a drawer. "How do you figure that, pet?"

Xander sent Spike a suggestive grin over his shoulder as he pulled out a
pair of jeans. "Someone kept me up all night," he explained, taking the
jeans and heading for the bathroom.

"Well, I'm a vampire, luv, I'm supposed to be up all night," Spike said with
a large grin.

Xander just flipped him the bird before disappearing into the bathroom,
closing the door behind him. Spike chuckled, then watched the closed door
until he heard the shower running and the faint sounds of Xander quietly
singing a calm tune.

Getting out of bed as well, the blonde vampire toddled naked over to the
door, before he placed his ear against the wood and listened. Over the sound
of running water, he could hear Xander's quiet voice half mumbling and half
singing soft words. Spike couldn't make out the words themselves over the
sound of the shower running, but he recognized the melody as one of those
sappy love songs Buffy liked to listen to.

Smiling, Spike silently opened the door and entered the bathroom, walking
towards the shower without a sound.

"...hear me calling your name, so know it's because I love you," Xander
sang, then yelped when suddenly two cool hands slid around his waist and a
body molded itself perfectly against his backside.

"Spike, you startled me," Xander said, breathing a sigh of relief.

"How do you know I'm Spike?" Spike asked, kissing Xander's neck. "I can be
some big, bad burglar who decided you look too yummy to be left alone."

Chuckling, Xander turned around in Spike's embrace, placing his arms around
the vampire's neck. "I'm not afraid of big, bad burglars," he said, smiling.
"'Cause I've got my very own badass vampire to look after me."

Giving Spike a tender kiss, he glanced down. "A *horny* badass vampire," he
stated with a small chuckle.

Glancing down as well, Spike nodded and shrugged. "Yeah, well, okay, but
I've got my reasons. And I'm not the only horny guy in this shower," he
said.

Xander was about to reply, when Spike quickly slid down to his knees,
dragging his hands along Xander's body on the way, until his cool hands
finally settled on his hips.

"You were saying?" Spike asked with a wicked grin.

"Nothing," Xander replied quickly, then threw his head back and moaned when
Spike's lips engulfed his shaft.

Reaching out to support himself against the cold wall, Xander closed his
eyes and let the
sensations overtake him. The warm water streaming over his body, combined
with the coolness of Spike's mouth and the tiles on the wall sent his senses
in all directions.

Spike watched Xander's head as it was thrown back, the human's eyes closed,
and the blonde grinned around Xander's cock, taking it as deep as he could.
Bringing the head to the edge of his throat, he pressed his tongue to the
underside before he pulled back, sucking hard at the stiff member while
stroking his tongue against the underside.

Pulling back until only the head of Xander's penis remained in his mouth,
Spike let his tongue dance along the edge of Xander's cockhead, and the boy
moaned loudly, one of his hands coming down to rest lightly on the vampire's
shoulder.

The blonde could feel the warm hand on his shoulder quivering, and he knew
that the boy was desperately fighting the urge to grab Spike's hair and
start thrusting wildly into his mouth. After nearly a year of sleeping
together, they had learned everything about each other's reactions to
certain things and they both knew exactly what they should do to bring the
other's release.

Bringing one of his hands from Xander's hips around to play with the human's
balls, Spike smiled around the hard member in his mouth again, when the
brunette started thrusting his hips slightly.

Knowing that he was close to release, Spike sucked Xander's cock in as far
as he could get it, then sucked hard, letting his tongue slide over it. His
eyes flying open as his hand grabbed Spike's shoulder tightly, Xander
gasped - then came, his semen spurting down Spike's throat.

Swallowing it all, Spike stood up and gave the panting Xander a long kiss,
allowing him to taste the faint traces of himself on the vampire's tongue.
When they broke the kiss, Spike grinned, then winked at Xander and patted
him lightly on the ass.

"There you go, all morning fresh and everything. Now get outta here so you
won't be late for work."

"But you didn't...," Xander said, trailing off as he looked down at Spike's
still rock hard cock.

"There are ways I can get rid of that one," Spike said quickly, shrugging it
off. "And we wouldn't want you to be late for work, now would we?"

"But it wouldn't-"

"Xander, go to work," Spike said quickly, cutting Xander off, a small smile
dancing across his lips. "I don't care about me, alright? I care about *you*
and you've had your fun. That should be enough to keep you going through the
day, am I right? So get out there and make some bloody money - and when you
get back, I'll be waiting for you."

Something in Xander's eyes moved when he heard Spike's softly spoken words,
and the boy slowly leaned in for a long kiss. When they finally broke it,
Xander met Spike's eyes and the boy smiled.

"I love you," he said quietly, leaning his forehead against Spike's.

"I love you too," Spike replied, before he chuckled. "Just don't let any of
your chums know I've turned into a friggin' cuddly-bear, okay?"

"Don't worry," Xander replied, pulling back. "Your secret dies with me."

Then he sank to his knees in front of Spike, giving his erection a quick
lick.

"Xander!" Spike protested, then moaned as Xander ran his tongue over his
cock again.

"Fuck the job," Xander replied, then engulfed Spike's penis.

Spike closed his eyes as the comfortable heat of Xander's mouth surrounded
his cock, and he smiled to himself, wondering what he'd done to deserve the
love of the boy currently on his knees in front of him.

Xander was thirty minutes late for work that day, but he didn't lose his
job.


Part Two

"Yeah?"
Spike looked up when the knock came on the door to the apartment. Puzzled, the blonde stood up, wondering who it could be in the middle of the day. Both Buffy and Willow had classes, as well as Riley. Neither of the gang had seen Anya for months, but Giles was still home all day.
Deciding it was probably the former Watcher, Spike walked to the door and opened it. The vampire blinked when he saw who was on the other side.
"Riley?"
"Hi," the former soldier greeted, looking around. "Is Xander in?"
"No," Spike said, shaking his head. "He's gotten a new job at a coffee shop downtown. Which you people had known if you'd taken the very least interest in what he's doing these days!"
The vampire said the last part with a pointed look in Riley's direction, to which the teacher's assistant had the decency to look embarrassed
"Yeah, uh... anyway, it's not that big of a deal whether he's here or not, it was...uh, I took some time off. I came here to see you, actually."
"Me?" Spike asked, slightly surprised. "Why?"
"Well," Riley started, fumbling a little with the words. "I know you've been wanting to get the chip out of your head, but I couldn't do that since I knew the first thing you'd do was to go out and...well, kill a bunch of people. And then, after the whole fiasco with Adam..."
Riley trailed off, shrugging it off, but the blonde vampire knew that the former soldier still was bitter about the fiasco with the part demon, part robot and part human that had caused him to get fired from the secret military squad and almost killed. For once, he decided to keep his mouth shut, though, wondering what Riley's point was.
"Well, I pretty much lost the opportunity," Riley continued, pacing slowly back and forth. "However, lately, both me and the rest of the gang has noticed that you've..." He stopped and paused. "...changed."
Riley met Spike's eyes dead on. "I've asked around a little, made some contacts through Forrest and Graham. Now, if you can guarantee that you won't continue to kill, there's a chance we can get that chip removed."
Spike was stunned.
"You can get this bloody thing out of my head?"
"Yes," Riley confirmed. "But you cannot kill people, you have to understand that. We cannot re-create a killer. You need to give us some kind of guarantee that you will continue to drink animal's blood. I don't know what would convince Graham and Forrest, but I do know that if anybody can come up with anything, it's you."
Spike sat down on the bed, not really believing what he was hearing. Riley continued to talk, something about Forrest and Graham taking a big chance about doing this, and about Buffy not being very happy about it, but accepting it - but Spike didn't really hear a word of it.
All he could think about what Riley's earlier words, about getting the chip out of his head. For over a year, that was all he had wanted, but now things were different. A year ago, he'd gone straight out and made Sunnydale bleed, if he'd gotten rid of the chip. Now, on the other hand...
The peroxide blonde vampire closed his eyes and imagined draining a victim. The feeling of absolute power streaming into and through his body was a feeling he'd never forget, and it left him craving it, needing it, just by thinking about it.
Opening his eyes again, he sighed, knowing what would happen if he ever took a human life again; Xander would leave him.
He'd be hunted down by his friends. The humans he'd once called mortal enemies, the humans he now called friends, would once again be his enemies, and they would go after him to kill him.
Spike didn't know which thought was more depressing; Getting killed by his friends, or getting killed.
No, he thought, he could deal with getting the Slayer and her little Scooby Gang on his tail again. But Xander... If Xander were to hate him, to despise him, to fear him, Spike didn't know what he would do. As much as he hated to admit it, the boy turned him into one big softie, and it made him warm inside just by thinking about it.
And if the chip came out of his head and he still wasn't allowed to kill, there wasn't much point in it, was there?
Shaking his head, Spike snapped out of his thoughts as Riley placed a hand on his shoulder.
"Spike?"
"Yeah, fine," Spike said quickly, lifting his eyes to the other man. "I..."
"It's okay," Riley said. "I know this is a bit of a mouthful. You can think about it, there's no rush so far."
"Alright," Spike replied absently.
"Listen, I have to get back to class," Riley said, gesturing towards the door. "Are you gonna be okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Thanks, mate," Spike said, looking off into space.
Riley didn't say anything else, he just gave the vampire one last look, before he turned and disappeared out the door, closing it silently behind himself.
*****
Xander whistled quietly to himself as he carried the tray with the empty cups back to the kitchen, setting it down by the sink, before he headed out into the coffee shop again to wipe the tables.
"Alexander?"
The boy froze when he heard the familiar voice, bolts both of fear, shock and confusion shooting through his body, gathering in a lump in his throat that made it difficult for him to breathe. Then he slowly turned around to face the source of the voice.
"Mom?"
Mrs. Harris looked at her son with wide eyes, one of her hands squeezing a newly lit cigarette. The other was buried deep in the pocket of the dark coat she was wearing, the soft leather moving slightly against her jeans-clad legs.
"What are you doing here?" Xander asked, his mood dropping like a rock.
It had been over six months since he'd last seen either of his parents, and the coffee shop where he worked wasn't the ideal surroundings for a reunited with one of them. Actually, if he was to be honest with himself, he'd prefer not to be reunited with any of them, ever.
"I'm on my lunch break," Mrs. Harris replied, a weak smile forcing its way to the surface of her face.
"Oh," Xander said, before he gestured towards an empty table. "I have to...get back to work."
Mrs. Harris didn't say anything, she just nodded, the weak smile fading again. Turning, Xander froze again when he heard her voice.
"Alex, wait."
He paused, debating on whether to just walk away from her, or listen to her and turn back around to see what she wanted. The largest part of him wanted to ignore her for everything she ever did to him. She wasn't as violent like his father, no, but she knew what was going on in that house, and she was not the innocent little victim some wives were.
She would often yell at Xander too, and sometimes she would slap him, although not as often like his father. And she would tell him he was no good, and no matter what he did, it wasn't good enough for her.
But there was a tiny part in Xander that told him she was his mother - that reminded him that even though he didn't want to, he cared for her in a bizarre sort of way.
Turning back around, Xander faced her, but he made sure to avoid meeting her eyes.
"What do you want, mom?"
Mrs. Harris paused for a long while, looking for the right words. Then she just shrugged and smiled a little. "I left your father."
"Oh," Xander said. Somehow, his brain wouldn't really process the words his mother said. "Good."
"Yes," Mrs. Harris said, nodding. "I eventually figured...you were right. And I just..." She trailed off, before she sighed deeply and swallowed. "I want to say how sorry I am, Alex. You...didn't deserve any of it."
Sitting down at an empty table, Mrs. Harris gestured to the empty chair on the other side. "Sit down with me. Please?"
Xander hesitated for a long while. He could get fired for taking a break when he wasn't supposed to, and his boss was already after him that day because he'd been late after having sex in the shower with Spike.
Glancing briefly towards the kitchen, Xander sighed and sat down next to his mother, bracing himself for whatever she would say to him.
*****
Entering the apartment, Spike shrugged off his duster and threw it carelessly over the back of a chair, before kicking his boots of. Xander should be home by now, since it was well past eight in the evening.
The minute the sun had set, the blonde had headed over to Giles' apartment to talk to him. The former Watcher understood the vampire's dilemma and had advised the blonde to speak with Xander about it. And although Giles didn't want Spike to kill, he did want both him and Xander to be happy.
He knew about everything the couple had gone through, and he seemed to be the only one who understood how exhausting it was for Spike to support Xander through his appointments with his therapist, through his nightmares and through his periods of depression.
The blonde wouldn't let anybody else tend to Xander, but Giles had seen how relieved the vampire had been when Xander quit seeing his therapist, not only because it meant the boy was getting better, but because it meant that things would be easier on the blonde as well.
"Xander?" Spike asked, pausing briefly to listen for any sounds indicating that his lover was there already. He could hear the young man's rapid heartbeat, and it made him wonder what the brunette was doing.
Then, the vampire sharpened his senses, and he could smell Xander's arousal. Grinning, the blonde made his way to the bedroom, but he froze in the doorway, the wicked grin disappearing from his face in a metaphorical heartbeat.
The human was lying on the bed, masturbating.
That alone wasn't a bad thing - in fact, Spike would more than enjoyed the view if things were different - but the tears staining his lover's face was what made the blonde's erection shrink rapidly in his jeans.
"Xander, pet..."
Speaking Xander's name quietly, Spike made his way to the bed, crawling into it next to his lover and gathering him into his arms.
"Xander?"
"I can't come!" Xander sobbed, continuing to rub his aching penis at a frantic pace. "I can't come, Spike! I need to come, and I can't!"
"Sssh," Spike told him as more tears rolled down the human's cheeks, disappearing into the blonde's t-shirt. "Take it easy, it's okay..."
Xander didn't even seem to hear Spike as he continued to jerk off, his sobs rapidly growing louder. "I can't come," he said again. "I have to...I need to come, Spike, why can't I come?"
A sharp pain shot through Spike's heart from the boy's words, and the blonde gently covered the warm hand with his own, gradually stilling its movements. "It's okay," he whispered. "Sssh, it's okay."
When Xander's hand was finally still, Spike didn't let go of it, but instead brought it up to his chest, squeezing it tightly to make sure the boy knew he wouldn't let go and that the blonde was there for him, no matter what.
"Wanna tell me what's wrong?" Spike asked quietly, after several minutes in silence, save for the sounds of Xander's sobs.
"My mom...," Xander gasped out, trying to calm himself, but not succeeding. "She stopped by. She left my dad. She wanted to talk to me. She was on her lunch break."
"Sssh," Spike whispered again as the words tumbling out of Xander's mouth started to come out half-choked and fast-paced. "It's okay, don't speak," he hushed, hugging his lover tightly to his chest.
Xander didn't say anything else, he just hugged Spike tightly, his naked body pressing against Spike's fully clothed one. The blonde sighed into the boy's hair, closing his eyes for a split second as the heartache on his lover's behalf brought tears to his eyes.
What Xander's mother had said or done wasn't important, and the news about his implant could wait. Right now, all that mattered was Xander. The vampire could only imagine how hard it must have for Xander to see his mother again after six months, and even if they'd only made small talk he knew it was bound to have a huge impact on the boy.
Wrapping his arms tightly around Xander's shaking body, Spike closed his eyes again and remained motionless as the boy cried himself to sleep.

Part Three


Spike held Xander tightly as the two lay next to each other in bed, their naked bodies pressed intimately against each other. When Xander had woken up, the boy had immediately thrown himself at Spike and demanded sex, not with words but with hard kisses that spoke of pain rather than pleasure.
A part of the vampire wondered why Xander used sex as a way of relieving the pain he felt inside, and the thought caused the blonde's dead heart to ache in his chest. He wanted the boy to be happy, but he didn't know exactly what he could do to help him, and that was frustrating. Sure, he could be there for the younger man, and he could support him and go with him to see a therapist again. And it might be enough right now, but would it still be enough in five days? Five weeks? Five years?
It wasn't that Spike disliked or couldn't take care of Xander by himself, despite the fact that it wore him out sometimes. He'd taken care of Drusilla for over a century, and he never had any major problems with her, not even with that idiot mob in Prague. Xander, however, was different. He was sane. He understood everything that happened to him, although he might not understand *why* they were happening to him.
But he knew that he had nightmares, and he knew he had them for a reason. Drusilla didn't understand, she would just wake up, cry and then wonder what it was that made her scared. Xander, on the other hand...
Sighing, Spike placed a gentle kiss to Xander's forehead, meeting the tired chocolate brown eyes for a few seconds. Idly tracing a finger in slow patterns on the brunette's chest, Spike tried to decide whether he should tell his lover about Riley's visit now or later.
Now wasn't the best of times - there were other things the two should deal with first. Spike desperately wanted to make Xander start seeing his therapist again, but on the other hand he knew that's not was Xander wanted.
He knew only too well what his lover wanted. He knew that the boy only wanted to push the pain aside and forget everything and live a normal, happy life. And that he often tried to forget, using sex.
"Xander...?" Spike started tentatively.
"Hmmm?" Xander replied, half asleep.
"I need you to be awake when I say this," Spike said quietly, nudging the human's side a little. "Are you?"
"I'm awake," Xander mumbled.
"No, you're not," Spike said, a small smile flitting quickly across his lips. "Wake up, luv. I need to talk to you, and this is important.
Turning his head, Xander looked at Spike, his eyes opening fully. "What?"
Spike met Xander's eyes and made sure the boy was really awake, before he sighed deeply. "Riley came by today."
"Riley?" Xander asked, a little puzzled. He'd half expected another talk about seeing his therapist, talking about his problems instead of using sex, and the other things Spike usually talked to him about when the blonde used his 'serious voice.' Not Riley. "What did he want?"
"He..." Spike paused and swallowed heavily. "There's a chance I can get this chip out of my head."
Xander was immediately wide awake. "But that's great news! Why don't you sound happy about it?"
Spike sighed again and shrugged. "I still can't kill, y'know. And he went on and on about me needing to find some sort of...insurance so I won't immediately go out on a killing spree once I get this bloody implant removed."
"But you wouldn't do that," Xander immediately said, then frowned. "Unless you do that. You wouldn't do that, would you?"
Spike met Xander's eyes. He really wished he could say yes, that he could just ask for help to find proof that he wouldn't immediately kill again, but he couldn't. Closing his eyes for a split second, the blonde wrapped his arms tighter around Xander.
"Listen to me carefully, Xander. Taking a life...Draining someone...Just...the power of being able to do something like that is overwhelming! I know people think that Angelus broods a lot, but let me tell you, I can understand him. Okay - the brooding gets way out hand sometimes, but...I cannot imagine how it must be to have the power to drain someone and yet...not! I'm not sure I'm that strong."
"But you are," Xander said quietly. "I know you are. We just have to find something that will convince Riley that you'll-"
"You're not listening carefully enough," Spike said, cutting Xander off. "I really don't know if I'm strong enough. And..."
The blonde paused and his eyes left Xander's for a moment - just for a moment - before they returned, insecurity reflected in the blue orbs. "I can't promise that I won't go after your parents. Now or in the future...I can't promise that. But on the other hand, I'm *very* tired of this soddin' chip."
"I know," Xander said quietly.
"Does that upset you?" Spike asked after a short moment in silence. "That I might lose control and kill your parents?"
A tear slipped from Xander's eye. "No," he replied, his voice hoarse and he swallowed heavily. "Does that make me a bad person?"
"No, not in my book," Spike replied. "Those fuckers hurt you for so many years. They deserve it if I lose control. That doesn't mean I'll try to keep myself in control as long as possible, though. Although I know that someday - sooner or later - I will lose it."
"But...you would stop killing if you had the strength?" Xander asked tentatively.
"If I had the strength, yeah," Spike admitted.
"Why?" Xander asked quietly, after several moments in silence. "I mean...me? You'd...you'd do that for me?"
Meeting Xander's eyes dead on, Spike nodded seriously. "Absolutely," he replied honestly.
"Why are you helping me?" Xander asked, swallowing. "I mean...you don't have to. And you're actually evil...and...Why?"
Spike shrugged, before his lips curled into a lewd grin. "You're so good in bed I think you should get something back for it."
The sounds of Xander laughing was the richest sound Spike had heard in a long while. "Seriously?" the blonde asked when Xander's chuckles died. "I don't know. Or, I mean...I think...I...Well, I love you. And that's just what love does to you."
"But I haven't done anything for you," Xander said.
Spike just looked into the human's eyes for a long while, steel blue meeting chocolate brown. Then, the vampire gave Xander a tender smile and a loving kiss before he nodded. "Yes, you have," he replied. "You love me. And that's a lot more than I could ever ask for."
Then, the blonde's face scrunched up in a semi-disgusted mask. "Plus, you've turned me into a soddin' nancy-boy! Not even Dru managed to do that!"
For the second time in very few minutes, Spike's mood was brightened by Xander's chuckles.
"Now we only need something that'll convince those friggin' soldier-boys I'll stay good."
"But you won't," Xander reminded him.
"But I won't hurt people as long as I can help it," Spike protested. "Besides; chip out of head - do anything, right?"
"Right," Xander replied, then frowned as he started thinking hard. Then, a small light was lit in his eyes and a part nervous, part hopeful look crossed his eyes.
"I think I have an idea."
*****
Four days later, Xander was holding Buffy's hand as he watched the two doctors take the now unconscious Spike through the double doors with the small Plexiglas windows.
"He's gonna be fine," Buffy said, squeezing Xander's hand comfortingly. "We're all here for you - and him," a frown appeared on her face, "and I cannot believe I just said that!"
"Mr. Harris, we're ready for you now."
The man in the white lab coat that had approached Xander and Buffy smiled friendly at the two, but the boy didn't even seem to notice him. Instead he smiled briefly, watching the double doors until they closed. "I know he's gonna be fine," he said to Buffy. "I'm not so sure about me, though."
"Look," Buffy said, shrugging. "If you're that nervous, why did you even bother to suggest something like this? You know that neither of us want you to do it, so why go through with it?"
Turning his head towards the doors again, Xander saw the stretcher carrying his lover through the Plexiglas, and a warm look spread across his face. The warmth spread throughout his body, and the blonde Slayer was actually amazed over what she could see in Xander's eyes, in his face and what she could feel radiating from his body.
Love.
Pure love, like the one she had felt coming from Angel.
"I love him," Xander said. It was nothing more than a mere whisper, but Buffy heard. Giving the man in the white lab coat a smile, she carefully tugged at Xander's arm.
"Xander? The doctor's here. You have to go."
The brunette watched the stretcher through the Plexiglas until it disappeared around a corner. then he turned to the doctor and nodded. "Okay, let's do this."
"Good," the doctor said with a friendly smile. "This way, then."
Releasing Buffy's hand, Xander followed the man down the hall. From behind him he heard Buffy say something that sounded a lot like 'Good luck,' but he wasn't really sure. His heart was beating so hard in his chest that his vision fogged up, and for a moment he felt like throwing up.
But at the same time, he couldn't help but smiling, because he knew he was doing something that would make Spike's life easier.
And that made his own life just a little bit easier as well.
The smile stayed on his face even as he stripped out of his clothing, even as he was examined and poked and tested, and even as the nurse put the needle in his arm. Because he knew that Spike loved him, and he knew that it would stay that way.
Of course, the gang hadn't been happy with everything, but they accepted. They didn't understand, but they accepted. That was also one of the reasons Xander smiled through all the tests, through all the waiting and despite the fact that he was being naked as the day he was born.
Not until the drugs started to work and the world around him plunged into darkness did the smile disappear from his face.
**********

End