The Smart, The Dumb & The Zeppo
by Little Pinky

"Once upon a time, there was a vampire. He was the meanest, baddest
bloodsucker in the entire world-"

"Hey!"

"Hey!"

The two voices protested at the same time, and Xander Harris looked away
from the starry sky, his drunken gaze finally settling on the two vampires
laying close by him, only a few feet separating the two.

"I wuz not..." Angel mumbled, trying to look ashamed, but only ending up
looking even more drunk than he'd looked before.

"No, because that wuz me!" Spike exclaimed proudly, raising a hand upwards
from where he was laying in the grass. A second later the pale arm dumped
down into the grass again. "I's the biggest motherfucking ass in the world,
huh?"

A drunken giggle escaped Xander and he rolled over, bumping into the empty
bottles between the three men. The sound of glass clirring echoed through
the night. "You're an ass, Zpike," Xander giggled. "An ass wiz legz and no
more..."

A loud snort came from Angel and the two brunettes immediately cracked up in
laughter. The peroxide-blonde just blinked owlishly at them.

It was by pure accident that they had run into each other up on the hill,
all three of them
half-drunk already then. Angel had paid Buffy another unknown visit and seen
how happy she was with Riley, so he'd gone out to drown his sorrows.

Spike had realized that with Adam dead and The Initiative gone, he'd
probably never get the chip out, and he'd gone to drown his sorrows.

Xander was just feeling sorry for himself, so he'd gone to drown his
sorrows, whatever they were.

"If'ez got *only* legs, how can he see, then?" Angel wondered, and the
brunettes cracked up again.

"Plaze'n eyeball in the asshall," Xander said between laughs.

"Ass*hole,*" Spike corrected, closing his eyes and smiling when he felt the
earth's rotation.

"Yeah, but then it doezn't rhyme," Xander giggled, before he rolled over
again, his legs kicking away a couple of empty bottles of Jack Daniels.

"Well, at leazt'm a handzm motherfuckin' ass!" Spike exclaimed, rolling to
his knees and
staggering a bit before he pounced on Angel. "And you're not, pooh..."

Then he realized what he'd said and frowned, his eyes swimming in his head.
"Pooh?"

"Pooh?" Angel ehchoed rolling over and easily throwing Spike off him.

"Winnie, the?" Xander asked, before he laughed again, rolling around. "But'z
right. 'Z a handsome motherfuckin' ass!"

"Yeah?" Spike asked from the ground, placing an arm across his face.

"Yeah," Angel agreed, supporting himself on one elbow so he could raise
himself up enough to see Spike. "Cuz'f you wern't, I wouldn't have turned ya
and fucked ya."

"You fucked Spikey??" Xander exclaimed. "Ewww!"

"Thatw'z long time 'go," Spike mumbled, his arm still across his eyes. "And
I'm ztill a handsome, sexy motherfucker, m'ass iz intact and nobody did 'ny
permanananent dam'ge, so give'z a kiss and shutup."

Xander blinked first once. Then twice. Then he shrugged and said, "okay."
Then he leaned forward and planted a big, wet kiss right on Spike's lips.

Angel's hysterical laughter made Xander and Spike start laughing as well,
and soon the three of them were practically howling with drunken giddyness.
When the laughter started to die, the human looked at the two vampires.

"Y'know, we could be like The Good, The Bad And The Ugly, y'know? Deadboy's
good, Spikey'z bad and I'm ugly."

"You're not ugly," Angel protested, punctuating the sentence with a hiccup.

" 'leazt not *very* ugly," Spike added, before he giggled and shook his
head. "Nah, you're not. You're zexy."

"Not ugly," Angel agreed.

"But I am a Zeppo," Xander said. "So then we could be The Smart, The Dumb
And The Zeppo. I'm The Zeppo, Deadboy'zzzzmart an'-"

"Don'tcha 'ven say it," Spike snapped, cutting Xander off.

"K," Xander said, before the two brunettes once again cracked up with
laughter.

When the laughter died out this time, Xander studied the two vampire
carefully, before sighing. "Ya really think I'm sexy?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'd bugger you any day," Spike replied offhandedly.

"Really?" Xander's head perked up.

"Yez, really," Spike replied.

"Me too," Angel said quickly. "Absolutely, any day, any time, anywhere.
Except not any day, because we can't go out during the day."

"Okay," Xander giggled. "How about now?"

"Now?" two voices chorused.

"Yes, wanna go have sex now?" Xander asked with another giggle. There was a
long silence. Then the two voices could be heard again.

"Okay!"

And then they went and had wild monkey-sex in the bushes up on the hill.

Angel didn't lose his soul even though he fucked Spike four times, because
he was still in love with Buffy - remember that's the reason he was drinking
in the first place. It was just extraordinary hot and wild monkey-sex to him
and nothing else.

Spike could fuck Xander four times without the chip in his head going off
because this is a fanfiction piece so we're just not thinking about that
little detail. Our favorite peroxide-blonde (with Slim Shady and Billy Idol
as runner-ups) could even suck Xander off quite some times.

And Xander was just laying back and enjoying everything. And since this - as
I mentioned in the last paragraph - is a fanfiction piece, he didn't get a
sore ass for days afterwards. And everybody's happy.

Yes?

***********

End.