Part One  

“Phone actors needed, eh?”  Spike picked up the colorful pamphlet and looked at it more closely, ignoring the various fights breaking out in the bar.  “Do you have a sexy voice?  Earn money from home.  Call for an interview.”  He read out loud, pulling his duster from beneath his ass as he sat more comfortably on the bar stool.

 

“I’ve a damn lovely phone voice, if I do say so myself.”

 

“You do, Spike, really you do.  Yeah, okay, you don’t call me much, but just from hearing you speak, well, I’ll go with lovely across the phone wires too.  What can I get you?  O-neg?”

 

Spike nodded to Willy.  “Yeah, Willy, pour me some ‘o the good stuff.”  He grinned at the harried barkeep as he dodged a flying barstool.  “Thought you bolted those things down, Willy.  In’t that some type of code, Willy?”  Spiked rocked experimentally on his stool.  Bolted.  He pocketed the rest of the pamphlets.

 

Willy ducked while continuing to pour Spike his blood.  He popped back up.  “I did!”  A fist flew past Spike, who easily ducked, letting Willy take it on the chin.  He moved back, waiting for Willy to come back into view.  “How about a little help, Spike, ole buddy?”  Willy asked rubbing his jaw.  “Things seem to have gotten out of hand.”

 

Spike took a look at the chaos surrounding him.  Nothing but vamps and a few demons he was sure he could easily take.  “'Buddy' is it, then?  Yeah, I can help.  But?”  He ducked again as another barstool came flying over the bar, smashing Willy’s new mirror.  “What’s in it for me?”

 

“What do you want?”  Willy asked from his hiding place beneath the bar.

 

“Oh, I donno.  What’s a vamp like me really want?  Stuff.  Blood.  Money.  The usual.”  He eyed the shiny pamphlet in his hand.  “Maybe a room in the back with a phone line.”  He grinned before lighting a cigarette.  He drew deep and blew his smoke in the face of a vampire that was suddenly held down against the bar by a large demon of indeterminate origin.  “That sound like a good deal to you, mate?”  Spike asked the vampire.

 

“Help me.”  The fledgling wheezed, looking up at Spike with wild, fear filled eyes, while clawing at the appendage at his throat.

 

“What?  Oh, sure.”  Spike stood and patted at the folds of his duster.  ”Well, bloody hell.  I’ve left my big knife in me other coat!”  He told the vampire.  He smiled, waving a hand in the air.  “No, no.  I’m just kidding.”  He pulled out a machete and grinned.  “I never leave home without it.”  Spike quickly decapitated the demon, sending its head flying over the bar and into Willy’s lap.  “There ya go.  All better now, luv?”  Spike asked, his face a mask of concern.  

 

The fledgling pushed the headless body off and stood, a hand at his throat and a grin for Spike.  “Thanks.  For not having to breath anymore, that choking thing still hurts, doesn’t it?”

 

Spike patted him on the shoulder.  “Yeah.  It’s surprising how many things still hurt when you’re a creature of the night.  Lot’s more for you to learn, boy.  But, say, let’s hope this won’t hurt too much, eh?”  Spike staked the fledgling.  “Oh.  And you’re welcome.”  He told the pile of dust.

 

Spike moved into the mass of flying fists, fangs, claws, blades and good ole head butting, with a grin of anticipation and delight.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“1 800 ACTRESS.”  Spike mumbled through puffy, bruised lips, as he punched in the numbers.  “Well, that’s a bit of a put off.”

 

“Hello.”

 

“And hello to you.  What’s with the 'actress' phone number?  Says in your fancy brochure that women and *men* are welcome.”

 

“Please hold.”

 

“I don’t want to-“ 

 

Click and hold music.

 

“Bloody shits.”  

 

Spike entertained himself by thinking about what he’d have done to the creators of Muzac had he ever been able to track the bastards down, while doing his best to ignore the orchestrated version of Journey’s Lovin’ Touchin’ Squeezin’.  It wasn’t until he'd switched his fantasy of bloody retribution to the *members* of Journey that a perky voice came across the line.  Right in the middle of Steve Perry's high pitched pleas for mercy.  Darn.

 

“Thank you for calling 1-800-ACTRESS.  Please tell me your name.”

 

“M’name’s Spike.”

 

“That’s great, honey.  What’s your real name?”

 

Pause.

 

“*Spike*. S. P. I. K. E.  Are you daft, luv?  Maybe you should switch me to the non-daft operator.  I’m not in a terribly good mood, seeing as how I’ve been tortured whilst on hold for so bloody damn long a’ time.”

 

Chuckle.

 

“I love it, honey.  This is a persona that will make you and I loads of money, but if you want to get paid we’ll need a name and social security number.”  A pause in which Spike could hear typing.  “Do you have any kinks you just won’t deal with?”

 

Spike raised his scarred brow.  Was this a test?  “Sex with animals that have *always * been animals?”  He tossed out.  Just encase you were *supposed * to have a kink with which to avoid.

 

Giggle.

 

“So, you’ll do the fantasy thing?  Werewolves?  Werecats?  That sort of thing?”

 

Um?  He flipped through the pamphlet again.  It had *seemed* a totally human gig.  “Yeah sure.  Why not?”

 

“Oh, goodie.  You’ll be a treasure.  Your area code has a lot of far out kink requests, and we don’t have many operators willing to deal with most of them.  You don’t have a gender preference do you?  Just let me say this, and no pressure intended, you’ll make loads more money if you are gender neutral.”

 

“Consider me gender neutral then, pet.”

 

“Well, I can tell you right now, Spike, you are in and you have a job, a calling, if you will,”  Giggle.   “With us, if you want.   Now, you’ll need to have a grounded phone line.  No cell phones or even cordless phones are allowed.  That won’t be a problem will it?”

 

Spike took a look around the small office that was Willy’s and now his.  “That’s fine.  I’m all grounded, love.  Don’t even own a cell phone. Why, those cell phones cause brain cancer, you know.”

 

“Excellent.”  Giggle.  “Not about the brain cancer, but I’m glad to have you on board.  We just need to get your account set up.  I’m going to need your full name and social security number.  We can send your W-4 forms in the mail and you can just mail them back.  We won’t even have to wait.  We can get you set up as quickly as you’re comfortable with.  You’ll start off with an hourly wage, and you can earn bonus money for each repeat caller that requests you personally and there are additional bonuses for calls in excess of thirty minutes.  We are a $4.99 a minute operation.  Also, we offer a line of headsets, props, scripts and chairs that you can purchase through our convenient payment plan.  Again, no pressure, but I do suggest a comfy chair, if you don’t have one already.  I’m serious, about that.  We don’t even make any money from the chairs.  We send you out.  We only 'highly recommend'.” 

 

Spike took a moment to ponder the idea of anyone paying five dollars a bleedin’ *minute* to toss off while talking on the phone.  And then he grinned.  Five dollars a minute to talk dirty with Spike.  Well, yes, of course.  A bargain, really.

 

“Not a problem, luv.  Let’s you and I get me all set up, then.  It’s Xander Harris.  Well, that’s Alexander.”  Spike reached into his pocket to pull out a small note pad that held all of Alexander Harris’ vital statistics.  Spike just hoped he’d be able to figure out a way to get the social security taxes back once the whelp kicked the bucket.  Maybe he could set himself up as Xander’s son.  Yeah.  That’d be a good one. 

 

 

Spike lounged in his ergonomically correct chair, feet on the desk, headset on, and became more and more pissed as he sipped at his warm blood and continued to listen.  

 

“Patty, luv, you’ve got to *stop* this.  He’s no good.  No good for you, no good for the kids.”

 

“I know, Spike.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  I just can’t seem to tell him to get lost!  I’ve asked my parent’s—“

 

BUZZ. CALL ON LINE 666.  

 

“I’ve got to take this, Pat.  I’ll buzz you if they want a girl, ‘kay, pet?”

 

“You’re the best, Spike.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

“You’ve got Spike.  What're gonna do with him?”

 

“I’m gonna fuck you, Spike.  That’s what I’m gonna do.  Hard and fast.  And so deep you’re gonna taste me-“

 

Spike chuckled, low and deep.  “No, no, pet.  You’re gonna *get* fucked.  That’s why you call Spike.  To get fucked.  Cause you’re a nasty little bottom boy, aren’t you?  And you *love* it.  You want it.  You just can’t say no to a hard cock, can you, boy?  Get on your knee’s, pet.”

 

Silence.

 

“On your *knees*, boy!  I’m unzipping my pants and pulling out my cock.  And your mouth is?”

 

Silence.  Panting.

 

“And your mouth is?”

 

“At your cock.”

 

“Yes.”  Spike hissed.  “Right where it should be . . .” Spike hit the remote, turning on the TV.  “Lick me.  You may not suck ‘till I say so.  Just lick.”  Spike flipped through channels before settling on a Brady Bunch rerun.  “I’ve got a nice big butt plug here.  And oh, this is just terrible, but I’ve no lube.  Bend over, boy.”

 

“Okay, I’m back Patty.  Sorry, but he didn’t want to visit the girl place.”

 

Patty chuckled over the line.  “It’s okay.  Anyway, I’ve got a guy that wants to watch; well *listen* to you beat me while I suck him off.  You up for it?”

 

Spike snickered. ”Bless the truly depraved, I say; more money for us.  Baby girl, you know I love to beat you while you suck cock.”

 

Patty giggled.  “You should be married, Spike.”

 

“And you should be in therapy, Patty.”

 

Spike caught Xander just as he was entering the apartment building.  He’d managed to snag the W-4 forms without a problem.  Why’d the actual *money* have to be a problem?

 

“Spike!  Good to see you.”  Xander grinned at him, his entire face animated with the grin.  The grin was wiped away as quickly as it had come.  “Not.  Go away.”

 

“Can’t.  We need to talk.”

 

“We do?  No we don’t.”  Xander continued walking, going inside his building and stopping to pick up his mail, Spike still following him.  Xander grabbed his mail, and went to the stairs, bypassing the elevator.

 

“Elevator not working?”  Spike questioned, following.

 

Xander gave him an incredulous look.  “Elevator?  Are you nuts?  Hellmouth?  Elevators?  Not a mix I want to. . .mix.”  He continued up the stairs, doing his best to ignore Spike.  Xander reached into his pocket and pulled out his keys as they reached his landing.  He moved forward stopping to unlock two of the three deadbolt-locks before turning back to Spike.  “What?”

 

“We need to talk.”

 

“Again I’ll say, no we don’t.”

 

Spike sighed.  He hadn’t really thought about this part of his being Xander Harris.  Hell.  He should have been Willow.  Or the other one.  Or even Giles.  He needed to get to know more mortal men.  Even with all the new people he’d met and, yes, befriended, in the course of his newfound career as a phone sex actor, it seemed that all he got to know were women.  He’d have used Willy, but that would have been at a price he wasn’t prepared to pay.  “You have some mail of mine.”

 

“What?  You used my address to get mail?  Thanks *so* much for asking.”  Xander snipped, opening the door and stepping inside.  He looked at Spike, still at the threshold, and gave an aggrieved sigh.  “Oh, come in Spike.  Come in, and make yourself at home.”

 

Spike followed him inside, shutting the door behind him.  He locked all the deadbolts.

 

“Unlock one of those!”

 

“Kay.  Any particular one?”



“Nope.  Just one of them.”

 

“Okay, pet.”  Spike unlocked the middle.  “There ya go.  All safe and unlocked.”

 

“So, you made me casa su casa?”

 

Spike reached into his pocket and pulled out his pack of cigarettes and his lighter.  Bringing the pack to his mouth he pulled one out and lit it with a fluid motion of his Zippo before pocketing the pack and the lighter.  He drew deep and exhaled smoke while mumbling, “Not exactly, mate.”  

 

“Uh, huh.”  Xander nodded while going through his mail.  “What *did * you do, then, oh dead person I can’t seem to get away from?  Bill, bill, junk, bill, evil people that want to get me even deeper into debt with their sneaky credit, junk, bill, *hello *, check!”  Xander looked at Spike with a grin, shaking an envelope.  “Talk to me, Spike, my man, um, my vamp!  I’m all happy.  I know a check when I see one!  So speak.  Nothing you say can ruin the bliss of unforeseen monies!”
 

Part Two  

Spike caught Xander just as he was entering the apartment building.  He’d managed to snag the W-4 forms without a problem.  Why’d the actual money have to be a problem?

 

“Spike!  Good to see you.”  Xander grinned at him, his entire face animated with the grin.  The grin was wiped away as quickly as it had come.  “Not.  Go away.”

 

“Can’t.  We need to talk.”

 

“We do?  No we don’t.”  Xander continued walking, going inside his building and stopping to pick up his mail, Spike still following him.  Xander grabbed his mail, and went to the stairs, bypassing the elevator.

 

“Elevator not working?”  Spike questioned, following.

 

Xander gave him an incredulous look.  “Elevator?  Are you nuts?  Hellmouth?  Elevators?  Not a mix I want to. . .mix.”  He continued up the stairs, doing his best to ignore Spike.  Xander reached into his pocket and pulled out his keys as they reached his landing.  He moved forward stopping to unlock two of the three deadbolt-locks before turning back to Spike.  “What?”

 

“We need to talk.”

 

“Again I’ll say, no we don’t.”

 

Spike sighed.  He hadn’t really thought about this part of his being Xander Harris.  Hell.  He should have been Willow.  Or the other one.  Or even Giles.  He needed to get to know more human men.  Even with all the new people he’d met and, yes, befriended, in the course of his newfound career as a phone sex actor, it seemed to be all he got to know were women.  He’d have used Willy, but that would have been at a price he wasn’t prepared to pay.  “You have some mail of mine.”

 

“What?  You used my address to get mail?  Thanks *so* much for asking.”  Xander snipped, opening the door and stepping inside.  He looked at Spike, still at the threshold, and gave an aggrieved sigh.  “Oh, come in Spike.  Come in, and make yourself at home.”

 

Spike followed him inside, shutting the door behind him.  He locked all the deadbolts.

 

“Unlock one of those!”

 

“Kay.  Any particular one?”



“Nope.  Just one of them.”

 

“Okay, pet.”  Spike unlocked the middle.  “There ya go.  All safe and unlocked.”

 

“So, you made me casa su casa?”

 

Spike reached into his pocket and pulled out his pack of cigarettes and his lighter.  Bringing the pack to his mouth he pulled one out and lit it with a fluid motion of his Zippo before pocketing the pack and the lighter.  He drew deep and exhaled smoke while mumbling, “Not exactly, mate.”  

 

“Uh, huh.”  Xander nodded while going through his mail.  “What *did * you do, then, oh dead person I can’t seem to get away from?  Bill, bill, junk, bill, evil people that want to get me even deeper into debt with their sneaky credit, junk, bill, *hello *, check!”  Xander looked at Spike with a grin, shaking an envelope.  “Talk to me, Spike, my man, um, my undead person!  I’m all happy.  I know a check when I see one!  So speak.  Nothing you say can ruin the bliss of unforeseen monies!”

********************

“It’s not like I’m even asking you to pay the taxes or asking for the Social Security payments back.  Well, unless we can find a way to work that out.  But I’m willing to pay you back for what ever taxes they, um, tax you with”

 

“I’m totally bliss free, Spike.  You’ve managed to suck the bliss out of an unexpected check.”

 

“It wasn’t unexpected.  *I * was expecting it.  That’s why I’m here.”  Spike’s voice was slow and calm, as if talking to an imbecile.  Or to a bliss-free Xander.

 

Xander slapped the envelope against his thigh while glaring at Spike.  He looked down and quickly ripped it open.  He gulped.  “Fuck.  How long have you been doing this?”

 

Spike reached for his check, but Xander quickly stood and held the check over his head, waving it.  “Don’t be naughty, Mr. Harris.”  He smirked at Spike.  “Legally, morally and any other ‘ly’ I want to use, this is *my * check.  It even says so.”  He tilted his head to read the check.  “Pay to the order of Alexander Harris.  Yep, that’s me.”

 

“A month.”

 

“Jesus!  You got three *thousand * dollars for a month’s work being a phone hooker?”

 

Spike grinned.  They told him he’d be lucky to clear nine hundred dollars working eight hours a night.  He’d worked six at the most.  His bonuses had really paid off.  What could he say?  They loved him.

 

Spike grinned.  “I’m a very *talented * phone hooker, it would seem.”

 

“Yeah.  So it would.”

 

Spike glared at Xander, not at all comfortable with the evil glint in Xander’s eyes, pretty as it might be.  “Give me the check, boy.”

 

“Sure.”  Xander sat back down and held out the check, letting Spike snatch it from him.  “There ya go.  All yours.”  His eyes grew comically wide.  “Say, Spike.  What say I *cash* that for ya?  Me being *me* and all, I could do that!  And you being. . .what? No one?  Certainly not the great gainfully employed and fully tagged and licensed, Alexander Harris.  You, not being me, might run into some problems cashing it.”

 

Spike sat down in the chair facing Xander.  “Don’t think I’ll have much trouble cashing it, boy.”  He held out his hand.  “And don’t think I’m gonna try and fuck you with the taxes.  As I’ve said, I’ll pay ‘em.  Just as long as we can keep this little arraignment going.  No trouble for you at all, plus you’ll have a little something extra for when yer foot’s in the grave.”  Spike had it all worked out by now.  Hadn't figured out that being Xander's minor next of kin, yet, but give him time.

 

Xander crossed his legs, one work-boot clad foot coming to rest on his knee.  He began to drum his fingers across his ankle.  “Yeah, sure.  Money for my retirement; that whole after, what is it now, 70?  And that’d be nice if I had a hope of living that long.”  Xander smirked.  “But I’m all about the now, Spike.  Just who were you gonna get to cash that?”

 

Spike remained silent.

 

“Willy?  Yeah, I can see that.  And he’d want, what?  Half?”

 

Spike glared but said nothing.  Yeah.  The git wanted half.

 

“Me?  I’ll do it for a quarter.”

 

Spike perked up.  “Promise?”

 

Xander laughed.  “Promise?  You’re asking me for a *promise *, Spike?”

 

Spike huffed, leaning forward.  “This isn’t about lives, Xander, not yours nor your friends, those things don’t get promises.”  He waved his hand in the air at the very foolishness of the idea.  “This is about *money *.  A whole different game.  A game we need to play, unfortunately.”  Spike looked down at his boots.  Worn.  Ran a hand over his thigh.  Jeans looking thin; thread bare, almost.  He couldn’t just scope out a suitably dressed human, his size and build, and take what he wanted any longer.  Of course he still could, and did, nick most of what he wanted.  Let’s face it, those little tags on clothes were a joke.  But it was hard to get by the folks in the shoe store.  Bastards didn’t have *both * pairs on display.  And, Spike would bet blood, it’d be easier getting into Fort Knox than getting to a carton of smokes these days.  He needed money.  They both did.  He looked up at Xander with a smirk.  “Right then.  A quarter of my earnings.”

 

Xander smiled.

 

“*And* the use of your place, here.  And you’ll need to get another phone line.  I wouldn’t want you answering line 666 and getting a shock you couldn’t handle.”

 

“No way, Spike!  Forget about it.  If you think-“

 

“Five hundred dollars a month, easy.  It’s sure to be more, once I have a place I’m all comfy-like in.  I turned down lots o' calls at Willy’s, you understand.  I played bouncer too.  Very busy with that, I was.  Just think of all the lovely money, Xander, once I have a nice quiet place to, uh, work.”

 

Xander didn’t say anything but rose and went to the kitchen.  When he came back, he held two bottles of beer and offered one to Spike.  He held out his hand to Spike.  Spike took the beer and then the hand and shook it.  “We have a deal, then?”

 

Xander took a pull on the beer and then tightened his grip on Spike’s hand, shaking it.  “Yeah.  We do.”

 

“Peachy.  I’ll get me things.”  Spike took a swallow.  “Got a key for me, pet?”

 

Xander said nothing but went into the kitchen and retrieved a spare key, which he handed over with a grimace.  “Buy some ashtrays, Spike.  The smoke-free kind.  No parties.  No minors.  Oh, and no killing me or mine.”

 

“Not even one little minor?  What if they *look* eighteen?”

 

“Smoke free, Spike.  The kind with the neato fan that sucks in all the harmful toxins.”

 

“As you say, pet.”  Spike headed for the door.  “Don’t wait up for me, luv.  Be back soonest.”

 

“Spike!”  Xander called as Spike was headed out the door.

 

Spike looked back with a raised brow.

 

“Line 666?”

 

Spike grinned.  “Cute, that, yeah?”  He went out the door and closed it with a slam.

 

Xander went to the door and locked two of the three deadbolts.  Then leaned against it and sucked down the rest of his beer.  He was very afraid.  Just what the hell had he done to his newly found happy Xanderland?

Part Three  

“Lick her harder!  I want your tongue *inside * of her!” SMACK!  “Go deeper!”

 

Okay.  Xander was positive that he was *never* going to get used to what he heard coming out of the SPIKE room, as he had dubbed it in his mind, but he wished like hell, he could make the vampire remember to keep the door *shut* so he wouldn’t have to hear it so often.  Or at least, so it was not the very first thing he heard when he came home from work.  ‘Cause try, and he *did* try, Xander couldn’t stay out or away from the Spike room.  It was the first place he ventured after work.  That, or the shower, depending on how sweaty a day work had been.

 

It had only been a month,  but it seemed to Xander that he hadn’t come or gone in for*ever * without hearing the vampire coming, making someone else come or demanding that he and someone else come together.  And Xander never got to come.  Not that he would. Or had tried.  Or had tried and been too nervous to come, fearing the vampire had some sneaky vampire way of knowing that he had come while listening outside of the door.  Nope.  Xander waited for Anya.  And then made sure the thought only of Anya while coming.  Besides, Xander was well aware of what a big faker the vampire was. He’d taken to thinking of Spike as the Academy Award Winner For Best Faked Fuck.  He so richly deserved it. He’d barged in too many times, just for fun’s sake, during some of Spike’s more vocal performances, only to observe the vampire reading or watching TV while he spouted some of the hottest sex talk Xander had ever heard.  The big faker.  

 

Xander dumped his tools, went to the kitchen, grabbed two beers, opened them and headed to the Spike room.

 

Spike gave him a welcoming smile, and *that * still freaked him, and held out his hand for the beer, which Xander gave him while he took a seat on the corner of the desk that held Spike’s notes and other phone sex. . .  whatnots.

 

“Yeah, you’re deep in her aren’t you?  Sucking up all that tasty pussy juice.  That’s good.  Keep at it.  Spike has something for you, boy.  You little slut, you.”  Spike took a pull on the open beer Xander gave him and offered a grateful smile.  “I’m gonna fuck you, Mike.  I’m gonna fuck you with my big fat cock, and you’re gonna lick cunt and love it.”

 

Xander was only slightly turned on.  But he was used to it.  Hot sex talk was bound to make you just a little hot, yes?  Sure it was.

 

Spike winked at Xander and motioned him to sit down.

 

“Pull ‘em apart!”  Spike barked.  “Open ‘em up nice and wide.  I want to just slide in you. . .Yeah. . .just like this.  Back up.”  Spike paused and pulled out a deck of cards that he held out to Xander.  Xander nodded.  “Yeah, baby. . . you know how to get fucked.”  Spike dealt out a seven-card hand of Rummy.  “But don’t forget about my girl.  I want your tongue working that hot clit of hers.”  Spike finished the deal and waited for Xander’s discard.  “Fuck back on it.  Fuck it hard.  Yeah, we know you love it.  Keep at it.  Lick her.  You can’t come yet.  We haven’t given you permission to shoot yet.”  Spike drew and discarded.  “Did I say you could stop licking her?  I did not!  Lick that pussy!  Fuck my cock!”  And it’s Xander’s turn.  He draws and discards.  “You want to come?”  Spike picked up Xander’s discard and places down a spread of Aces, kings, and a 4 to 8 spread of diamonds before discarding a two.  “Not yet, boy…you don’t get to come yet.  Not just yet.  You’re busy licking cunt and fucking hard Spike meat.”  Xander ignores the two he needs and draws from the pile.  He discards a king.  “I’m gonna pull out of your sorry ass now.”  Spike picks up the king and places it on his book pile with an evil look Xander’s way.  “Tha’s right, no more hard, hot Spike meat in your ass, working you like the man-pussy you are.  Turn around and suck me…Spank him, Patty, he’s been a bad boy.  Smack his ass while he sucks me until I come all over his face.”  Xander draws, and places down a spread of eights, hits Spike’s aces and discards a jack.  “Suck me, boy.  Deeper.  Lick my balls.”  Spike picks up the jack and drops it on his ten…”That’s good…suck and lick…you’re a talented boy aren’t you?  Smack that ass Patty…harder…”  Spike pulls, grins. Lays out a final spread and sticks his tongue out at Xander while making a final discard.  “Yes!  More!  Jack off, boy. . . come…you can shoot now…that’s it…fuck your fist. . .  yeah…nice. . .  jack off while I come all over your face.  Augh!  All…over. . .your. . .face. . . yes!  Lick it.  Lick me clean.  Turn around and kiss Patty on her toes. . . She likes that…lick them…now, go away. Yes.  You may call us later.”  Spike gathers up the cards and stacks them before handing them to Xander. . . ”Your deal.”  Spike reaches over and hits the speaker button on the phone.  

 

“What was that, Patty?  70 minutes?  A new record, with him, eh?”  

 

“At least.  But I hate that guy Spike!  Don’t you miss Melvin?  I do.  Melvin and all his toys?  So much more fun.  This guy takes for*ever* to come!”

 

Spike chuckled.  “Bite your tongue Patty!  The longer to come the more money for us!  And anyway, he’ll be back as Melvin in a day or two.  You know he can’t stray from Melvin for more than a day or two.” 

 

“Let’s hope so.  Melvin is so much less complicated than this one.”

 

“I’m guessin’, just *guessing* you guys understand, that Melvin and the guy you just got off are the, uh, same guy?

 

“Is that Xander, Spike?  You didn’t tell me Xander was home!  Hi Xander!”

 

“Hi Patty.  How are the kids?”

 

“Great!  I had parent/teacher conference yesterday and they had only wonderful things to say about my two babies!  And they want to put Gweneth in an advanced math class.”  

 

“Now, see that?  I told you she was just bored!  Won’t be long before she gets enough smarts to change that god awful name you saddled her with, goes off to college, graduates at the head of her class, becomes the head of her own multi-billion dollar company, sticks you in an old folks home and runs away with her ole Uncle Spike.”

 

“Xander?”

 

“Yeah, Patty?”

 

“Smack him for me, will you?”

 

“Be happy too.”

 

Spike deadpanned:  “Ouch.  Ugh.  The pain, oh, the pain. Stop, Xander, please, stop.”

 

“Xander?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“You hit him yet?”

 

“Nope.  But he’s sneaky.  I’ll have to get. . .“  

 

SMACK.  

 

“. . .Him when he’s not looking.”

 

“Ow!  Little, shit!”

 

“He’s got Patty.  Go get some rest.”

 

“You two are just so damn cute!  Talk to you later.  Night, night!”

 

“Why the fuck did you hit me, Xander?”  He glared at the dark eyed man.

 

“You know I can’t deny Patty anything.”

 

Spike glared at him, a grin flirting with the corners of his mouth.  “Go shower, Xander.  You stink worse’n the dead.”  Spike scooped up the cards and shuffled.  “And you can’t play cards for shit.”

 

Xander rose, stretched and smiled.  “This is why it’s so sweet coming home to you.  I can’t imagine Mrs. Cleaver being so sweet.”

 

“Shower, stinkboy.”

 

“And Mrs. Cleaver, never’d be so poetic.”

 

“My eyes are watering with the stench of you, and I don’t even have to breath.  *And* I'm dead.”

 

“Another hand?  Till Ayn gets here?”

 

“Yeah.  *After* you shower.  Anyway, she called and said be late, 'cause she’s bringing home blood and a bucket of chicken. ”  Spike grinned.  “You’ll have to marry that girl soon.  Someone’s liable to snatch ‘er away from you soon.  Not often you can find such a sweet ex-demon that can play every card game I’ve ever heard of, sometimes beat me at them *and* bring home the blood.”  Spike snickered.  "And the chicken."

 

Xander ignored the marry comment.  “You two cheat at the card games.  I *know* you do.  It’s shameful.”

 

BUZZ.  Line 666.

 

“You got Spike, you lucky fuck, you.”

 

And so it went.  And so Xander got used to it.  And it was only a month and a half later that he got worried.  He was way too happy.  Way too content.  He was sure Xanderland was not supposed to run so smoothly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

SMACK!

 

Ah…there’s nothing like coming home to the sounds of flesh hitting flesh.

 

SMACK.  SMACK. SMACK!!

 

Xander pauses, waiting for it.

 

“That’s right you bad little boy.  Spike wants that ass nice and pink so he can fuck it good and hard.”

 

Yep.  There it is.  His little vampire-phone-sex-operator-roommate hard at work.  He still wished to God Spike would remember to close the damn door.  And his wishes still mattered not.  

 

Xander put away his tools, hung up his jacket and grabbed a beer.  Thought about it and grabbed another.  He might as well check in.

 

Spike was beating meat.  Oh, Spike wasn’t beating *his * meat.  Nope, nothing so normal as that.  Spike was steadily smacking away on a *piece * of meat.  A roast of some type, Xander guessed from the big raw look of it.  Spike grinned, waved him in, gave some more direction to his caller, smacked the roast again and held out his hand for the beer, which he took with a wink.  Spike pantomimed that he wanted to talk to Xander after the call.  The call that he was sure would be over in ten or fifteen minutes.

 

And Xander, of course, understood all the hand motions and eye-rolls.  Yep.  He and his vampire roommate and become excellent with the non-verbal communication.  Xander nodded to Spike and let him know he’d be back.  That he wanted to make a call.  Xander walked out, shutting the door firmly behind him, but not quick enough to avoid hearing.  “You *are * a nasty boy, aren’t you? All lubed up and open for Spike’s cock. . .”  

 

Sshyeah.  

 

Xander headed back to the kitchen, picked up the phone and punched in some numbers.  He played idly with the vase of flowers on the counter.  Flowers?  Now, who had brought in the flowers?  His evil-soulless-vampire-roommate, or his why-should-we-waste-money-on-things-that-will-die-in-a-week-ex-demon girlfriend.  Boggles the mind.  Xander’s mind had been boggling way too much lately.  He was starting to get headaches.  

 

“G-man!  It’s Xander.”

 

“Yes, of course.  But thank you for clarifying, Xander, I’d thought, perhaps, it was dear uncle Murray.  He, too, calls me G-man.”

 

Xander didn’t let that boggle him.  “You know that vampire I have living with me?”

 

Pause.

 

“Spi-“

 

Sigh. “Yes, Spike, of course.  What about him?”

 

Xander bent and sniffed at a pretty red bloom.  “I think he’s broken.”

 

Pause.

 

“Bro-“

 

“Broken, yes, I understood what you said.  How do you mean?”

 

“He’s been way weird.  Really weird.”

 

“How so, Xander?  Explain, please.”

 

“Oh.  The smiling.  And winking.  And card playing and friend making and. . .he’s been snatched and replaced somehow or he’s sick.  Broken.  He hasn’t tried anything sneaky or bad or. . .”

 

“You’re saying you’d prefer that the vampire that *you* invited to live with you, do what?  Try and kill you?  Burn the place down?  Steal your woman.”

 

“Hey!  Don’t try and make *me* sound like the nut, here!”  Steal my woman?  Huh.  Hadn’t thought of that one.  My woman steal my vampire?  Maybe.

 

“Yes, well. . .”

 

“Okay, fine.  Never mind.”

 

“Xander, really.  Can’t we talk about this tomorrow?”

 

Tomorrow?  “Tomorrow?  I guess.  I don’t know why we have. . .”

 

“Excellent.  It’s seven, correct?”

 

Xander, boggling, glanced at his watch.  “No, it’s 5:45.”

 

Sigh.  “I meant dinner, tomorrow.  It’s at seven.”

 

Boggle, boggle, boggle.  “Huh?”

 

Pause.

 

“I said, huh?”

 

“Your dinner party.  Tomorrow.  It’s at seven.”

 

Pause.

 

Clearing of throat.  “Well, yes.  Xander, perhaps you should speak with Spike and Anya, yes?  And I'm sure Spike’s fine, Xander.  Perhaps it’s just that he’s grown used to the chip and has decided to well, live with it.  Don’t pester him.”

 

BOGGLE, BOGGLE, BOGGLE.  AND BOGGLE.  Don’t pester the vampire says the watcher to the poor mix-ed up Xander.  Xander rubbed his temples.

 

“I’ll see you at 7.  I’m bringing the wine.”  Pause and Xander can almost *see* the very snarky unGiles like grin spreading across Giles’ face.  “Red wine, Spike specified.  Although Anya, assured me, I could bring as many bottles as I pleased, in as many colors as I like, as long as I left them and didn’t drink them all.”

 

Pause.

 

“Xander.”

 

“*Giles *.”  Xander left out the ‘if that is *indeed * who you are.’  that he was thinking.

 

“I’m hanging up now.  Talk to your,” Pause.  “Talk to Anya and Spike.”  Click.

 

Well.  Very much no help there.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Xander bent, opened up a cabinet, pulled out a large brown paper grocery bag and set it on the counter.  Opened up a drawer, pulled out scissors and began cutting the bag until he had a large piece of paper to work with.  He tossed the scraps, began humming, opened the refrigerator, pulled out some condiments and got to work.

 

He splashed on a large dollop of ketchup, added a little squirt of mustard, some mayo…a little relish.  Oo!  Went all out and added some wet, used coffee grounds from the coffee maker.  Drummed his fingers against the counter, still not satisfied.  Spied the flowers.  Picked up the vase and rattled it over the paper so that the loose petals fell, landing in the mess.  Gave a satisfied nod, folded it in half and flattened.  Firmly.  Whistled while he sponged up the excess that spilled over, tossed the sponge in the sink, heard Spike’s and Anya’s voices yelling at him in his head and rinsed the sponge out, squeezed it out and placed it to dry.  He was just opening his work when Anya came in.  She placed a bag on the counter, kissed him and demanded to know what he was doing.

 

“Just making up a little test.”  He pointed to his creation.  “What do you see?”

 

Anya looked down.  Reached up and felt Xander’s forehead.  “Are you feeling unwell Xander?”

 

“I feel fine.”

 

“Okay.  Then why did you do that?”

 

“Just tell me what you see.”

 

“A huge mess.  A waste of perfectly good,” She peered closer.  “What is that?  Is that mayonnaise?  You know, I only let you buy the good mayonnaise, Xander, and it's not cheap.  Nor is it finger-paints.  I’m angry, Xander.”

 

All good here.  Xander was pleased.  “Just look at it and tell me what you see.”  He held out his hand, stopping her.  “What kind of picture do you see?  You know?  Like, is it a boat, or a plane, or a butterfly. . .tell me *that* kind of what you see.”

 

Anya kicked him in the shin.  “Oh.  Like a Rorschach test?”

 

“Um, yeah.  Okay.  Whatever.  What do you see?”

 

“Well.”  Anya placed her elbows on the counter, rested her chin on her fists and gazed down.  “Butterfly, maybe, sure.  That’d be the easy answer.  An ugly one.  But, look.  It’s like some man’s mid section that’s been gutted like a fish and skinned like a rabbit.”  She looked up, grinning.  “Innards spilling out, oh!  And the coffee grounds?  That could very well be fecal matter.”

 

Pleased, Xander reached for her and folded her into a hug before kissing her soundly.  “Good answer.”



Anya clapped her hands.  “Yay, me!  What do I win?  Or did I win the kiss?  The kiss is good, I guess, but prizes of cash and jewels would be better.”

 

Xander kissed her again, reached into his pocket and pulled out some of his loose change.  “Cash.”

 

“Not much of a prize, Xander.”  She pouted, pocketing the coins.

 

Xander carefully picked up his masterpiece and headed to the Spike-room.  Anya followed. 

 

“Oh!  Is it Spike’s turn, now?”

 

“Yep.”

 

“He doesn’t get a kiss does he?”

 

“Nope.”

 

“Okay, then.”

 

Xander gave a sharp rap on the door.  “Come on in.”

 

“It’s just Xander and Anya, Pat.”  Spike hit a button on the phone and Patty’s perky little girl voice rang out.  “Hi guys!”

 

“Hi, patty!  Have you gutted your boyfriend like a fish and skinned him like a rabbit, yet?”

 

“Um, no.  But I did make him move out.”

 

“Oh,” slightly disappointed.  “That’s good, too.”  Anya caught the look Xander gave her.  “And, better.  Legal and moral.  Yes.  That was the right thing to do.  The gutting and skinning would have been warranted but bad.”

 

“Hey, Patty.  Mind if we take Spike away for a second?”

 

Patty giggled.  “Okay.  But we got another call in five.”

 

“Plenty of time.”

 

Spike clicked her off and took off his headset.  “So?  Something up with the dinner?”

 

Anya looked at him.  “Why?  What could be up with it?  You’re cooking it, right?”

 

“Okay, never mind the dinner you neglected to mention to me.”  Xander told them.

 

“He said he’d tell you.”

 

“She said she’d tell you.”

 

“I said, forget it.  Spike, look at this and tell me what you see.”

 

Spike looked.  Quirked his scarred brow and looked some more.  “I see a mess.  Look’s like one of Patty’s little nipper’s got into the fridge and had a right good time of it.”  He sniffed.  “The garbage, too.”

 

“That’s what I said too, but it’s wrong.  He wants to know what you *see *.  Like, a plane, or a-“

 

“What? Like a Rorschach test?”

 

Anya clapped.  “Yes, like that!”

 

“Is he okay?  Not feelin’ ill are you, Xander?”

 

“What do you see?”

 

“Um, lets see.  Perhaps a kitten.”

 

ACK!

 

“That’s been hit by a car and sorta smooshed.  Pushing all the innards out.”

 

Okay.  And all’s well in Xanderland.

 

“Thanks.  That’ll do.  We’ll leave you to your whoring.”

 

Anya reached into her pocket and placed some on Xander’s change on Spike’s desk.  She winked at him and followed Xander out.  Xander let Anya pass before shutting he door.  But not fast enough to miss hearing Spike murmur, “And look, the critter’s landed in a lovely field of flowers.”

 

ACK!

 

Wanting to change the subject and his mind set, Xander headed back into the kitchen.  “What’s in the bag, Ayn?”

 

Anya went to the couch and picked up the remote, turning on the television.  “Oh, that’s a surprise.  A present.”

 

Goody.  Xander reached into the bag and pulled out. . .the biggest, ugliest, scariest dildo, no wait, *vibrator * ‘cause the thing had a *cord *, he’d ever had the misfortune to see and the good fortune to never have imagined.  He began to sweat.  He rushed into the living room, mega phallas in his hand, it’s cord swaying.  “*What * do you want this for?”

 

Anya glanced briefly away from the television to look at him, tucking her feet beneath her on the couch.  “It’s for Spike.”

 

Pause.

 

“Okay, not the really scary answer I was afraid of, and yet, strangely, not at all soothing to me.”

 

“It’s for Spike.  For noise.  The man in the sex shop said it was really, really loud.”

 

Xander looked at the massive fake dong.  “Yes.  Loud.”  

 

Anya smiled.  “Yes, loud.  Remember, you took your drill away from Spike?”

 

Oh, good hell.  How could he forget?  He’d walked by the *open * door of the Spike room to catch “Oh, Spike’s got something for your ass.  Something nice and big.  Ready for it?”  Followed by a familiar sound.  He’d, against his better judgment, peaked in only to find Spike watching TV and revving *Xander's* drill close to the mouthpiece of his headset.  Spike had grinned and waved.  Xander had gone back to bed, curled up against Anya, dreamed of Spike with a drill-like penis, complete with interchangeable heads, woke up, jerked off in the shower, careful NOT to think of Spike, went into the Spike-room, taken his drill, cleaned and oiled it, took it to work with him and *left * it there.  With much Spike pouting to follow.  And Patty phone-pouting at him.  And Anya joining in with them once the big pouting babies had told on him.

 

“You’re sweet, Ayn.”

 

Anya nodded.  “Yes.”  She patted the space next to her.  “Sit with me and watch TV.  We’ll let Spike feed us.  He’ ll grumble at me for being a worthless woman, you for being a wet behind the ears whelp, both of us for being helpless and then he’ll feed us.”  She smiled and kissed his cheek.  “And then he’ll cook and we’ll eat something that neither of us had to cook.”

 

Oh, yes.  Xanderland was the place to be.

 

Xander relaxed into it.  He placed an arm around her and moved closer.  “So, Ayn.  While at the sex shop shopping for loud sex toys to replace my, note the emphasis on the *my*, drill did ya, maybe, pick something up for us?”

 

“We can’t use the Big Boy Ass Master?”

 

Xander tensed, his earlier fear coming back with a vengeance.  “No.  No we can’t.  And that’s a definite no.  Not a negotiable one.”

 

Anya didn’t look at him.  “I was only kidding.  Making a joke, Xander.”

 

“It wasn’t a funny one.”

 

“Yes.  Yes, it was.  You should have seen your face when you came out of the kitchen with the Big Boy Ass Master in your hand.  It was very funny, Xander.”

 

“Grrr.”

 

“I did waste some of my hard earned money on some very useless undergarments.  I’ll never wear them outside of our bedroom.  Pity.  I do look quite good in them.  Like a sex kitten you’d see in one of those for adults only magazines you still purchase and try to hide from me.  Oh, and!  Go get my purse!  Quick!”

 

Xander jumped to do her bidding.  He handed her the purse with a look of anticipation usually reserved for children about to get candy or allowance.  

 

Anya took the purse and reached inside with a grin.  “I got us all chocolate cock-suckers!”  She pulled out three plastic wrapped cock and balls made of, yes, chocolate, on a stick.  “Aren’t they cute?”

 

Xander stared, and then jumped when Spike murmured.  “Very cute, pet.  But have you two eaten?”

 

Anya frowned.  “No.  Not yet.  I thought maybe we’d call for pizza or Chinese.”  She injected her best “worthless woman” into it.

 

Spike humphed and shook his head.  “You two.  Disgraceful.  Why do you make him shop for food, if the neither of you will cook?  Bloody useless as a woman, you are, should be back to turning men’s insides out, you should.  And him?  How old now and can’t boil a pot of pasta?  Make a sauce?  It’s so hard?”  Spike grumbled on his way to the kitchen.  

 

Anya gave Xander a wink, patted the space next to her again, and leaned into him once he sat down.  Xander reached for a cock-sucker only to have his hand slapped.  “For after dinner.”  She scolded.  “I suspect Spike is going to cook us pasta.”  

 

Boggle and boggle.  Only it was less disturbing.  How to check that *he* hadn’t been replaced?  “So.  What are you two cooking up for our little dinner party no one told me about?”

 

“Spike was going to mention that.  Shame on him.  I’m just going to get salad fixin’s.  I’m not to cook.”  Anya smiled at him.  “I don’t think he trusts my cooking.  Anyway, don’t worry about it.  Just come home from work on time and shower.  Then look pretty.”  Anya changed the channel.  “Oh, and smile and don’t talk a lot unless you think about what you’re going to say first.  Oh, look, the Brady Bunch.  At least, those were my instructions.  I don’t imagine yours will be much different.”

 

Yep.  Xanderland.  The place to be.

Part Four  

Everyone was gathered around the dinner table, and Xander was showered and looking pretty.  Anya too.  They’d even passed the Spike-sniff.  Which, while sounding fun, wasn’t really.  Sometimes he made you shower again.  And then tossed out your new bottle of scent.

 

“No, no.  Spike is doing really well.  And the money is amazing.  I’m sure whom ever he is working for is making way too much money off of him.  And once he let it slip that he can speak all of those languages?  Why!  There's no stopping all the calls!  I’m also sure we can set him up with his own 800 number and make even MORE money.  Perhaps I can be his manager.”

 

“Oh, yes.  And that would make you his, what?  Pimp, Anya?”  Willow asked, accepting the bowl of peas she held out.

 

“Pimp?”  Anya picked up the platter of sliced meat.  “Pimp?"  Anya placed several slices of meat on her plate.  "Well, I don’t think that’s the right word, is it Spike?”  She handed off the platter.  “Will you work in the flesh, so to speak?  We really could make so much more money if we could sell your body and not just your voice.”

 

Tara took the platter and cleared her throat loudly, looking pointedly at Dawn.  

 

“Oh!  Yes.  That would be prostitution and it’s, for some unfathomable reason, still illegal.  So that’s a big no.”  Anya smiled at Dawn.  “Prostitution, while making much sense, is bad.  And illegal.  Don’t become a prostitute, Dawn.  Anyway, it's, so far, a dead-end type of job; No medical or dental plan, as of yet.”  She smiled.  "But I do write my congressman about the possibilities of taxable income.  So maybe one day, yes?"

 

“I think, luv, the witch was just hinting that we needed to change the whole tone of the conversation, in accord of our young guest, you understand.”  Spike’s eyes went to Dawn.

 

“No, it’s okay.”  Dawn grinned and added meat to her plate before passing along the platter.  “Really."  Dawn let her eyes roam the room, resting at each guest.  "I know what Spike does.  It’s some how managed to slip past the sneaky, don’t-let-Dawn-know-what’s-up-speak you guys all suck at.  And besides, I can’t read through a page of my Penthouse Letters without seeing adds for Internet or phone sex.”

 

Silence interrupted only by Spike’s snickering.  

 

“I’m just *kidding*, guys.  I don’t read Penthouse Letters.  Really I don’t.”  She took a bite.  "It's just that it's always next to the Hustler magazine, I so enjoy."



Anya nodded.  “And you shouldn’t.  Read those letters, I mean.  I suspect most of them are totally fake.”

 

“Yes.  Hence the fact that they all begin with, 'You’re not going to believe this, but'.”  Giles began.

 

Silence. 

 

"What?  I can't read Penthouse Letters?"  Giles snipped.   

 

Anya picked it up, ignoring Giles' peeve.  “Yes!  And just what sort of doctors do these people go to, and why don’t they sue?”

 

“Dawnie?"  Xander turned big watery brown eyes on her.  "A little help here?”  Xander implored her.

 

“Huh?”  Fork halfway to her mouth she looked at Xander.  “Oh.  Right.”  She put down her fork and reached over to cover Xander’s ears with her hands.  She cleared her throat.  “People?  No talking about s. e. x. in front of the X. a. n. d. e. r.”

 

“Oh, yes, of course, what was I thinking?  Terribly sorry.”  Giles said around grin.

 

Willow, blushing.  “I’m sorry.  I forgot.”

 

Buffy stuck her tongue out at Xander.  “Dawn never stops the sex talk for me!  Why are you so special?”

 

Tara looked down.  “I just wasn’t thinking.  I wont do it again.”

 

Anya, grinning.  “Right.  This type of talk is for the bedroom, yes?”

 

“Or, for the Spike room.  So sorry, Xany.  Why don’t you all just eat and lavish me with praise?”

 

“Yes, we can do that.  This is so tender.  How’d you get lamb so tender?”  Tara asked, savoring her bite.

 

Spike grinned.  “Top secret, luv.  Can’t tell.”

 

Xander eyed the meat on his plate and looked at Spike.  Spike grinned at him.  “You have to beat it.”  Xander announced.

 

“Huh?”

 

All eyes on him now.  Shit.  “Tenderize.  You have to tenderize the roast.  Isn't that right, Spike?”

 

“Yes, luv.  You have to beat it right and proper.  What?  Not eating?”

 

“Maybe just some vegetables.”

 

“Oh, sure luv.”  Spike picked up a bowl and handed it down the line.  “Carrots?”

 

“Are they, uh, *tender*?”

 

“You’re being awful weird, Xander.”  Buffy told him around a mouthful of meat.  “You okay?”

 

“Yeah, I’m just fine.  I think I’m gonna go vegetarian, though.”

 

Anya smiled.  “That’s good, Xander.  It’s much more healthy.  I’m not going to, though.  Meat tastes so good.  But here, try some of this delicious salad.  It’s only cucumbers, onions, and tomatoes, but it's wonderful.  I think it's Spike’s special vinaigrette, that makes it so, tasty.”

 

“Of course it is.”  Xander looked at Dawn.  “So, Dawnie.  Got any homework I can help you with after dinner?  We can leave the grown ups alone and just, oh, I don’t know, do homework.”

 

“Yeah!  I have to label diagrams of the male and female reproductive systems.”  Dawn told him, snagging another piece of lamb.  “It’s silly, I know, I mean, we already did this in the 5th grade, *hello teachers*, but we’re starting a new chapter in science and he have to start off with this stuff.  As long as you can tell me where the vas deferens, the prostate gland, the clitoris and the g-spot are, we’ll be good to go.”

 

Xander choked, Dawn chewed away her grin and Spike snorted into his glass of blood-spiked wine.

 

Buffy glared at her little sister.  “What?  *I* can find a prostate, you know!”  She glared at each and every pair of eyes turned her way.  "Well, I *can*."

 

“They teach the g-spot in school, now?”  Anya asked ignoring Buffy.  “That’s so clever.  I remember when they only taught the bible.”  She smiled and reached for a basket.  “Roll, anyone?  They're homemade.  Spike made them.  He didn't even open up that fun can that pops.”

 

Xander looked at Dawn.  “You’re a mean little girl.”

 

“Now, now.  We’ve upset Xander enough for one evening.”  Giles said.  “Let us turn to more pleasant topics of conversation.  Buffy?  What did you kill last night?”
 
Part Five  

“That was fun.  
Didn’t you think that was fun, Xander?”  Anya asked, nestling her head 
on 
Xander’s shoulder, as they relaxed on the sofa.


 


Xander ran his tongue along the head of his 
cock, 
licking.  He nodded his 
head, cock 
still in his mouth.  He 
bit the head 
off and chewed thoughtfully.  
“Yep."  He waved 
his bitten 
cock-sucker in the air.  
"Spike 
beaten meat, cooked to perfection I’m told, all my friends, and not 
only 
*finding* the clitoris, but labeling it as well, all during after 
dinner 
coffee, no less.  
Yep.  Just good clean fun.”  He kissed the top of Anya's 
head and 
finished eating the rest of his cock.  
"This is outstanding cock, Ayn."


 


Anya nodded her head.  "Yes.  It's English.  They make good 
cock."


 


"Huh?"


 


"Good chocolate, I 
meant."


 


"Of course that's what you 
meant."


 


“Yes.  Too 
bad Spike had a call.  I 
feel we 
should all be here on the couch.  

You know, after a well-done dinner party.  He should be here, don’t you 

think?”  Anya tilted her 
head up to 
look at him.  “Don’t 
you?”


 


Xander sighed.  
“Yeah.  As weird 
as it is, I 
do.”


 


“What’s it been?”




“Only thirty 
minutes.”


 


“He’ll be at 
least thirty minutes 
longer.”


 


“Yeah, at least.  That crazy 
partyline.”


 


Anya rolled over and onto him, her thighs 
coming to 
rest along side his.  She 
nestled 
down onto his crotch.  
“I think,” 
She kissed him softly on the lips and Xander’s eyes closed. ”Spike 
needs a 
break.  We should take him 
out.  All this fake sex on the phone 
can't be 
healthy."


 


Xander didn’t open his eyes, but placed 
his hands on 
her hips, holding her still.  
He let 
his head rest against the back of the couch and breathed out 
slowly.  “How much wine did I 
drink, 
Ayn?”


 


Anya kissed his neck.  “Not much.  A glass or two.  But I *did* say that we need 
to take 
Spike out.  Make him take 
a night 
off and just have some non phone sex related fun with us."  She spoke the words against 
his neck, 
letting her lips move over his skin.  
Her tongue came out to lick and then she suckled, leaving a faint 

mark.  “We can go to the 
movies and 
there's one of those parking lot carnivals at the Wal-Mart.  You know how much Spike loves 
those."  



 


Xander snorted.  



 


"Okay, you know how much I love those.  But Spike loves stealing from 
Wal-Mart.  He'll have a 
fun!"  She moved her mouth down and 
bit his 
collarbone.  “Doesn’t 
that sound 
like fun?”


 


“Ayn. . .Yeah, fun.”  Xander groaned.  “Wait? What?  What'd I just agree 
to?”


 


Anya pulled back to glare at him.  “You need to stop saying 
that to me, 
Xander.  I'll get a 
complex.”


 


“Stop sucking on me while asking me to do 
things, and 
I will."


 


"Oh.  

Well.  I have no 
plans to 
stop doing that.  You're 
at your 
best and most agreeable when I'm sucking on some part of you, so it 
would just 
be silly of me to stop doing it.  

But you've agreed to take Spike and me out Saturday 
night."


 


Xander nodded his head.  "Yeah.  It's all coming back to 
me.  Carni-folk and 
shoplifting.  That's my future, 
yes?"


 


Anya smiled.  
"Yes."  She placed 
her head 
against his shoulder again.  



 


"Ayn?"


 


"Yes, Xander?"


 


"Didn't you say it would be a good idea to 
have all 
shoplifters do hard-time?  
I think 
chain gangs were mentioned.  
And 
working in sweatshops." 


 


"Yes, well.  
That's when they shoplift from the Magic Box.  We prosecute to the fullest 
extent of 
the law."  She pulled back 
to smile 
at him.  A really big 
smile.  "And then 
some."


 


Xander tensed.  
"And then some?  
What does 
that mean?"


 


Anya kissed his temple.  "Don't think about it, 
Xander.  It will only upset 
you."


 


"Anya, you can't-"


 


"Oh, hush.  
I'm kidding again."  
She 
rested her head back on his chest.  
"Anyway, I don’t feel at all sorry for Wal-Mart.  The big having stores all over 
the 
nation greedy so and sos.  
Spike can 
steal from them all he wants.  
They 
have store security.  If 
store 
security can’t catch him, well, its rather funny, don't you 
think?"


 


"Naw.  I 
don't think much anymore, Ayn."


 


"That's good." She kissed his befuddled brow 
and 
reached beneath a cushion to pull out a prize.  "Here.  Have another cock.  You look all done in, 
Xander."


 


Xander took the phallic chocolate treat with 
a 
grin.  "You're the 
bestest, 
Ayn."


 


Anya rested against him, nodding her head 
against his 
chest.  "Yes.  Eat up.  I'm going to make you carry me 
into the 
bedroom and ravish me, soon.  
The 
sugar rush should work to my advantage."


 


Xander sucked on his cock.  "The very 
bestest!"


Part Six  

Spike drew on his cigarette, his eyes 
scanning for 
Anya as he exhaled.  Ayna 
didn’t like him smoking and he'd cut way back, and he didn't like 
it.  
He was more testy while sneaking a smoke than being without one.  
He sucked 
down as much toxin filled tobacco goodness as he could, when 
he could 
now days.  "Cause I 
could.  Did you want something 
else?"  Spike glared at him, and 
Xander new the 
glare meant, "thank me or else."  Just like when Spike made 
blueberry 
pancakes instead of banana.  Just smile and say thank you or get a 
lap full 
of fruit filled pancakes.


 


"Um, no.  
This is great."  
And Xander 
tried.  Really hard.  But he couldn't help it.  "They didn't have any StarTrek 
big toys 
you could steal to show off?"


 


"Yeah, had lots."  Smoke in and smoke out.  Smoke in and smoke out.  And then he reached behind his 
back, 
beneath his coat, and pulled out a HUGE box and a grin.  A box that contained the 
Enterprise, 
which he dropped unceremoniously at Xander's feet before he snatched the 
dump 
truck from him.  "Like I'd 
give you 
a Tonka, ya git."


 


"Oh, my *god*.  
This is so cool.  I 
didn't 
even know they made these.  
Look!  It's got 
moving 
parts!  And crew 
members!"  Xander looked at Spike with 
sparkling 
eyes.  "Wal-Mart really is 
the land 
of happy, isn't it?"


 


"Huh?"  
Spike was busy ripping open the Tonka.  "Oh, yeah.  Got's geek toys.  It's no Target but much
easier 

to steal 
from."


 


Spike began chewing at 
people-proof-keep-it-in-the-box-forever-bindings.  "Bloody hell!  Why is this necessary?  It's
not like you can just 

take it outta 
the box and waltz out of the store with it for fuck's 
sake!"


 


Xander snorted at that, doing his best to 
pull out his 
mini Captain Kirk.


 


"Well, if you're not *me*, you can't!  Or some of those kids I 
watched."  Spike winked at him.  "Made their own little CD 
casing remover 
key, they did.  Clever 
design.  I just break 'em open and 
pocket the 
CD's.  Their way you get 
the case 
too!  Don't have to bother 
stealing 
all those packs of empty jewel cases.  
I'll have to look into that."


 


"Spike?"  
Xander was still too enthralled with his Enterprise to worry 
about CD 
theft.


 


"What?"


 


"*How* did you steal this stuff?  I can't believe that no one 
noticed the 
Enterprise under your coat."


 


"That was just for you, Xan.  For a laugh.  Don't you go and try nicking 
StarTrek 
toys under your coat.  
Ayna will 
beat us both after you get caught.  
All it takes is magic tape."


 


Xander's eyes got big.  "Magic tape?  What does it do?  Make stuff 
invisible?"


 


Spike flicked away his cigarette and lit 
another.  "Um, no.  But if you ever run across 
some o' that, 
let me know, will ya?"  He 
reached 
into his pocket and pulled out a roll of bright blue tape with Wal-Mart 
written 
across it.  "*This* is the 
magic 
tape."  He twirled the 
roll on his 
index finger before replacing it in his pocket.  "All you need is it, and a 
bunch of 
slutty looking teen girls."


 


"Uh, huh.  
And the slutty teens are for?"


 


"Distraction."  
Spike grinned.  "If 
the items 
are too big to bag, they tape em and put 'em in your cart.  Now, the little security guard 
is 'spose 
to check your taped items against your receipt, but, lets say, he's just 
a young 
bloke, makin' minimum wage, and not really carin' all that much what you 
have in 
your cart, *and* there's a group of scantily clad girls, who've loaded 
up their 
pockets with makeup and trinkets and decide to flirt their way out. 
. . 
well…ya just wait for 'em to catch his eye…casually show your big 
taped items 
and your receipt. . .and walk right out…happy as a 
lark."


 


"You're an evil genius, 
Spike."


 


"Yes."


 


"And where do you get the magic 
tape?"


 


Spike shook his box violently.  "Oh, well.  You bring an item without a 
tag on it to 
the cashier, flirt with her while she's busy, and steal it when she's 
looking 
'round for her floor manager."


 


"Yes. An evil genius."


 


Xander caught sight of a uniformed security 
guard.  "Um, Spike?  Maybe we should put away our 
stolen 
goods and go find Ayn?"  
He pulled 
out his keys and opened the trunk, placing his Enterprise inside with a 
fond 
smile.  Yeah, it was 
stolen.  And stealing was bad.  But *Spike* had stolen it for 
him, and 
Xander just couldn't fight the grin or the happy feeling it gave 
him.  It was just so sweet.  "Load up your truck, 
shoplifter-boy.  We got us 
an Ayna 
to find."


 


"Gimmie a sec."  
Spike lowered his head, vamped out, and sliced though the cables 
with his 
fangs, freeing his toy.  
He let the 
box fall to the ground with a fang-filled grin.  "Okay."  He placed it in the trunk and 
let Xander 
slam the lid down.  
"She'll be at a 
concession stand waiting for us with cotton-candy.  Bet?"


 


Xander dropped his arm across Spike's 
shoulders and 
headed towards the mini-carnival.  
"No bet, my vampire-buddy; 'Cause that's just where we'll find 
her.  She thinks she can control us 
through 
sugar."

Part Seven 

"You've always disappointed your father and your mother wishes you were a girl!"xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
"Sweetums!" Spike exclaimed upon hearing Anya's hissed words to her small captive.
"*Anya*." Xander intoned disapprovingly at the sight of Anya holding cotton candy in one hand and a small boy by his arm, as he struggled to get away, with the other.
Anya started, looking at Xander guiltily while releasing the child's arm. She winked at Spike. "Well, he ran right into me, Xander, and didn't stop to apologize! Only to tell me to get out of the way! The way was *mine*, seeing as how he was moving and I wasn't." She explained her dialogue to the six year old that had just run away crying. She held out pink confections for them both. "Never mind the little juvenile delinquent, I got you cotton candy." 
Xander took his, doing his best to look stern while licking spun sugar.
Anya thrust Spike's cotton candy at him, moved between the two and linked her arms through theirs. She began walking them forward. "I want to go on the Ferris wheel, okay?"
"Wanna spy that young one you let go and spit in his hair?" Spike asked.
Anya looked at Spike. "Yes." She turned to smile at Xander. "No, of course not." She turned back to Spike. "What did you get me?"
"Fuzzy knickers."
Xander leaned his head back to look at Spike. "What?"
"Fuzzy knickers. You know. The bra and panties with the fuzzy outline? The fake fur?"
"Aw, yes. The ever popular fuzzy, um, knickers; I have no idea what you're talking about, Spike."
Spike stopped their walk and reached into his duster to pull out a hanger with purple bra and panties attached. Each trimmed in a fuzzy wealth of purple fluff.
"Oh, how cute!" 
"Oh, those." 
"Is this her, son?"
The trio looked over, and then *up* at a huge leather clad, heavily tattooed man with a shaved head, black goatee and a really pissed off look on his face. Spike quickly hid his fuzzy knickers.
"Yes? Can we help you?" Anya. Always the sport Xander mussed, mentally feeling the ouches already. This was a really, really *large* man.
Spike dropped down in front of the boy, quickly vamped out and back, popped back up, smiling at his father. He looked back at the wide-eyed boy. "Something we can help you with, kid?" Spike asked.
"Ah, no. Nope. Sorry. Wrong mean lady." He tugged on his dad's leather vest. "It's not her, daddy. Let's just go, okay?" 
"You sure, son?" Big Daddy glared at the innocent looking threesome. Spike looked up and began to whistle. Xander shoved an elbow in his ribs.
"He *said* it was some *other* mean lady! What? Are you de-Ow! Xander! Did you just pinch me?"
"We're gonna just head on over to the Ferris wheel now. You folks have a nice evening." Xander rushed them forward. Anya turned back and mouthed "I'm gonna get you" to the little boy looking back at them. He promptly burst into tears. Spike vamped out and back again while the little boy was still looking. The boy screamed and grabbed his father's leg. Xander turned back and watched the crying boy get picked up and begin to sob into his father's neck. "I just wanna go *home* daddy! There's monster's here!"
"Spike?"
"What?" Pure innocence.
"Anya?"
"Yes, Xander?" Xander hadn't thought it possible, but Anya sounded even more innocent than Spike just had.
"No Ferris Wheel for the two of you!"
"Ah. Too bad, we're bad, eh, Ayn? Look! The lobster!"
"Oh! That goes high and spins very fast, yes?"
"I do believe it does."
"Come *on*, Xander!" Anya and Spike in stereo and Xander is grabbed and pulled to the lobster line. 
Oh, joy.
"Okay, okay, fine! The lobster it is. We can ride the lobster-" 
"We're *on* the lobster, pet, too late-"
"But," Xander continued, ignoring Spike, "you two are gonna have to win me stuff, or I'm gonna find that biker-dude and tell him you put the whammy on his kid." Xander snipped as the not-safe-seeming-at-all-bar was slammed down across their thighs buy the scary looking carni. 
"Don't be silly, Xander." Anya told him as they moved high in the air and twirled thanks to calculated movements on Spike's and her part, as the carni herded on other passengers. "We didn't put a whammy on him. I only threatened him in jest. And Spike made his scary-bumpy face."
"I want something *big*." Xander mumbled. "Manly fuzzy things. Maybe a giant Tasmanian Devil."
"Do you think if I try to spit on people the spit will fly back in my face?" Anya asked as the ride began.

Part Eight  
 

"Whoa.  Okay.  I'm dizzy.  Anyone else dizzy?"

 

"Nope.  How about you, Spike?"  Anya grabbed one of Xander's arms and placed it around her shoulders.  "Are you dizzy?  Or do you feel like me?"

 

Spike moved closer and draped Xander's other arm across his shoulders.  "Donno, pet.  How d'ya feel?"

 

"Like going again!"

 

"Oo, yeah, pet.  One more time."

 

Xander stopped.  "No.  Nada.  Uh-ah.  Not gonna happen."

 

They dropped his arms and he swayed.  "No!"  Xander wrapped his arms around Spike and Anya's necks, pulling them close.  "It's time for Xander to get stuff.  That was the deal."  He pointed towards the games section.  "Looky.  Big fuzzy things.  For to be won.  To be won for me."

 

"Just one more time?"  Anya pleaded.

 

"Is that the zipper?  It's brilliant, Xander!  Anya?"

 

"Oh, yes, Xander."  Anya smiled up at Xander, pleading.  "A zipper tab shaped cage and you get to spin and go upside down many, many times!"

 

Xander jerked their necks.  "Taz."  He pointed again.  "Yonder."

 

"Ow!"

 

"Careful, pet."

 

"Ayn?"



"Yes, Xander?"

 

"Go get me more cotton candy and a soda, please.  Spike and I'll be at the booth with the big giant Taz."

 

"Fine."  She ducked under Xander's arm and turned towards the concession stand.  "Big baby.  Spike?  Want something?"

 

"Yeah, pet.  Large blood for me."

 

"Cherry coke?"

 

"Yeah."  Spike looked at Xander.  "Well, pet?  Shall we?"

 

Xander grinned, still feeling woozy.  "We shall.  I'm guessing with your whole vampire thing you can win lots of stuff."

 

"Yes.  That's what how we vamps made our mark upon the world; winning carnival games."

 

"See?  And I thought it was the blood-sucking and killing stuff."

 

"Only our sideline, pet."

 

*****************************************

Spike tossed the soft ball in the air, catching it while looking at Xander.  "You know these are all rigged, don't you?  The bottles are weighted."

 

"No, no, my friend!  It's a fair game, here!  Ya get three balls for a dollar and three chances to win a prize!  Knock the bottles down and you win a prize.  It's *that* easy.  Knock down three stacks in a row and win a bigger prize!  Just throw, knock 'em down and win!"  The carni told Spike.  "Look, I'm gonna show you something."  The carni reached down and pulled up a bottle.  He tossed it to Spike.  "Feel that?  Does that feel weighted to you?"

 

Spike hefted it.  "No.  No it doesn't.  Xander?"

 

Xander took the bottle and tossed it in the air.  "Feels fine.  Not heavy at all."

 

The carni took the bottle back.  "Now, see?  I'm not trying to cheat ya, folks.  It's all good fun."  He took the bottle back.  "So, come on and toss 'em."

 

"You two do realize that the bottle he gave you is *not* one of the bottles you have to knock down, right?"  Anya interrupted them.

 

"Huh?"  Xander jumped.  "What?  Of course we do!  What are we?  *Stupid*?"

 

"Not stupid in the classical sense.  Gullible is the word I would have chosen."

 

Spike snatched his cherry coke and took a sip.  "We were just waiting for you, pet."

 

"Uh huh."

 

The carni coughed.  "Come on, guy.  Toss 'em and win yer," He gave Spike, Anya and Xander a look over, spit, took a drink from his Jack Daniels filled can of coke, a hit from his cigarette, exhaled and continued,  "Cute couple a prize."

 

"Well.  If it's just that easy."  Spike let rip and knocked the bottles down.  

 

The carni spit again and reached for a little fuzzy snake.  "Good throw.  Here ya go."

 

"That's very nice, luv, but you keep that.  I want to keep going."

 

"Well, my momma always told me not to tempt fate, but. . .if you must."

 

"He has two more balls, yes?"  Anya asked the man.  "And I'm not happy with your little fuzzy worm."

 

Xander was looking up at the big *big* prizes hanging from the roof of the shanty.  "I think I want that Taz.  I'm fond of Taz, I mentioned that, didn't I?"

 

Spike knocked the rest of the bottles over.  And then the next set.  Paid three more dollars and knocked three more sets down.  The carni pulled down a Taz and handed it over as a small crowd began to gather.  "Here.  Take it and go, would ya?"  He hissed close to Spike's ear.   

 

Spike gave the oversized plush toy to Xander.  "Well.  I would if I could, but that's just for me lad.  What of me girl?"  Spike asked, tossing a ball in the air.  "She'll feel left out if I don't win something for her."  Spike turned to look at Anya.  "What prize do you fancy, luv?"

 

"Well, they have Sylvester the cat.  He's very clever.  And he makes great use of the heavy cast iron frying pans even though cats wouldn't be able to lift them.  I enjoy that.  But that giant St. Bernard dog is adorable.  Look, he's got a barrel on his collar.  Win me that, Spike!"

 

Spike nodded, as if he understood; he didn’t.  "Well, then.  I've got to win the dog for my girl, don't I?"  Spike grinned at the carni, while tossing and catching the ball one handed.

 

"Knock 'em down, and then go away?  Deal?"

 

"I get the dog?"

 

"Yes!"  The carni spit for emphasis. 

 

"Okay."  Spike threw the ball, knocking the bottles down and punching a hole through the tarp in the back of the tent.

 

"Hell, would you just look at that?  Don't know me own strength sometimes."

 

The carni gave him the evil eye and snatched down the giant dog, thrusting it into his hands.  Spike promptly gave it over to Anya, who clapped around the dog.

 

"Yay, Spike!  He's our hero, yes, Xander?"

 

Xander looked away from his Taz to wrap an arm around Spike's shoulders and leaned down to place a smacking kiss on Spike's cheek.  "Yep.  My hero!"  He batted his eyelashes before turning to look the carni in the eye.  "Now!  'Nuff with the girly-stuff.  I gotta win my boy a pretty prize."

 

The carni snatched down a Sylvester and pushed it into Xander's hands.  "Just go away and don't come back!"



Xander smiled, took the prize and led his couple away.  He gave the cat to Spike.  "Good thing for him.  He'd have won all my money.  Those bottles weigh a ton and my aim is a bit off lately."

 

"I'm sure you could have knocked something down, Xander.  Or maybe you could have hit the dirty man in the head."  Anya rubbed her dog against her cheek.  "That would have been funny."

 

"Not true, pet.  You throw fine.  You've got good aim.  Why, didn't you hit my head from across the kitchen, just the other morning?  You remember.  When I dumped a platter of delicious blueberry pancakes in your lap?  Tossed a handful right at my head, didn't you?"

 

"That was funny, too."

 

Xander placed his arms around his 'couple's' shoulders and hugged them.  "You guys are so cute.  Really.  I got the cutest couple *ever*"

 

"Are you mocking our love, Xander?"  This was hissed at him.

 

"No, of course not!"

 

Taps began to play.  Tinny, but Taps all the same.

 

Xander looked over his shoulder, Anya looked all around for the funeral procession and Spike reached for his pager.  

 

He grinned at the other two, holding out his pager.  "It's me.  Innit cute?  Taps."  He read his message.  "Well, my pets, looks like Spike is needed."  He glanced up to smile at them.  "Patty is letting me know we'll have a money maker in an hour."  He pocketed his pager and grabbed the rest of Xander's cotton candy, taking a bite.  "Shall we go?  Someone wants Spike."
---

Part Nine  

"This was *not* the way tonight was supposed to end, Xander." Anya snipped, brushing her hair in front of the vanity mirror.
xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
"What? We had a good time; Spike's making money. You like for Spike to make money, don’t you?" Xander lifted up the sheet and began to climb into bed.
"Yes, of course, you know I do. But this was *our* night. Our date."
"Well, sure, um, wait." Xander paused, knee on the bed. "Our *date*? *Our* date?"
"Don't give me that, Xander. You know. Our date. And our date is ending with Spike talking dirty to a stranger!" She tossed the hairbrush down and turned to glare at Xander. "That's our dirty talk, Xander!"
Xander opened his mouth and said nothing. Opened and closed it several more times.
Anya rolled her eyes. "Seduction of Spike. You weren’t with me on that?"
"Of course I wasn't! I'm with you! I love only you! I want only you!" Xander flopped down on the bed. "That is *so* our dirty talk he's selling!"
Anya rushed to the bed, tackling Xander. She came up straddling him, grinning. "What should we do? Knock him over the head and drag him to our bed?"
"I love the gentle subtlety that your plan so very much lacks, but no." Xander raised his head and kissed her. "What say we do the other thing? We seduce him?"
Anya smiled. "Are you sure? Hitting over the head and dragging does work, you know. And we have clubs."
"We do? Of course we do." Xander waved his hand in the air. "We don't need no stinkin' clubs, you and I! We're cute."
Anya moved down to kiss him with a smile, rubbing her nose against his. "You are, you know. You're very cute, Xander."
"Okay, no lovey-dovey while we plan our seduction of the vampire-phone-whore. I'll feel cheap."
Anya giggled. "What should we do?"
"Well. Doesn't he like us to play cards with him while he takes calls?"
Anya nodded. "He does. He even gets mad at us when we don't. Say's we let him slave away without a thought."
"And *some*one just got pretty new fuzzy knickers."
"Oh! I did! I should put them on, yes?"
"Yes."
Anya got up and ran to her new knickers. "What about you? You don’t have anything new and pretty."
"I need new and pretty to be attractive?" Xander whimpered.
"Oh, hush." She tossed her pajama top at him. "Hey! Wait! *I* need something new and pretty?"
"I was kidding. It was a joke!"
"You're not as funny as I am, Xander."
Xander chuckled. "Put on yer fuzzy knickers. We got us a Spike to get."
Anya stepped into her fuzzy panties. "That was an excellent Spike, Xander."
"Really? What say you and I go find out how good the real thing is?" 

Part Ten  

Anya pulled on a short, silky, red robe and tied it loosely. "Xander! How's this? Can I do this move?" She sat down, ran a hand through her hair and the silk slid down, exposing her shoulder and the top of one fuzzy-cupped breast. She grinned at him and pulled the robe back up. "What do you think? I've always liked that move. Good?"xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
"Excellent." He nodded his head, hand cupping his chin. "Maybe cross your legs, too, though." He waggled his fingers at her. "Try it with the legs. Let me see."
Anya grinned and clapped her hands. "Yes, of course." She stood to try out the new move. She sat on the bed, crossed her legs so that the robe parted to her fuzzy-trimmed panties, ran a hand through her hair, letting the top fall to her elbow, and tilted her head. She leaned forward a bit while smiling seductively. She licked her lips. "Wanna play cards with us?" She looked up from beneath half closed eyes.
Xander pointed at her. "And we have a winner!"
Anya grinned and opened her eyes all the way. "It was good, yes?"
"Very. But what about me? I want a sexy opening, too."
"Mine's good enough for both of us."
"No." Xander crossed his arms across his naked chest. "I want my own move."
"Fine." Anya stood and began to pace. She held up her hand. "I've got it. Get the matching robe."
"I'm not doing the slutty-robe-off-the-shoulder thing, Ayn. That's a girl thing."
"Just get the robe."
Xander did.
"Put it on."
Xander did.
Anya pulled out her vanity chair and pointed to it. "Okay. Now you just sit down. Just on the edge and sorta lean back and cross your legs."
"Cross my legs, Ayn? No way. Too girly."
"Not in the girl way, Xander, in the manly, ankle on the knee way, and lean back and let your stomach muscles ripple."
"Oh, okay. That could be good."
"Do it!"
Xander did.
"Oh, yes, that's wonderful."
"Really?" Xander grinned. "I'm all sexy?"
"Very sexy. Let's go."
"Oh, shit. Wait!"
"What?"
"There's only one extra chair in the Spike room! I moved the other one out the night you two had your dinner party that you never told me about."
"Let the past go, Xander, this is about seducing Spike." She waved her hand in the air. "But, good save." She began to pace again, biting her thumbnail. "We could, of course, just bring a chair with us, seeing as how we are going into play cards as far as Spike is concerned."
"But it'll be so much less sexy that way!"
"True." Anya kept pacing. "I've got it!" She jumped on Xander's lap. "I can sit on the corner of the desk and do my sexy move!"
"Oh, yeah. That'll be *extra* sexy! And then I can pull you into my lap."
"Yes! That's sexy, too, isn't it?"
"Yep, it is. Man. Spike hasn't a chance against us. He is *so* ours."
"Not a chance and ours for the having." Anya agreed. 
The two kissed and a knock came upon the door; the two pulled apart and looked at each other and then at the door.
"Yes?" Both called out.
"It's just me, Spike. Call's done. Nice one. Long. I'm gonna head out and pick up a pack of smokes, maybe see if the Slayer is out on patrol. Be back."
Xanders and Anya's mouths dropped open and closed again twice before they got their hearty "No's" out. 
Spike was already out the door.
Xander stood, dumping Anya to the floor. He reached down and hauled her up. "Okay, fine. This is how he wants to play it? No big deal. Plan B."
Anya yanked up her sexily drooping robe and pushed her hair back with the back of her hand. She brushed off her ass with both hands. "What's plan B, Xander?"
"Ambush."

Part Eleven  

"You can't play that card there, Xander."xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

 

"What? Why can't I?  You're cheating again, Ayn.  And would you pull your damn robe up, *please*?"

 

Anya sat up, yanking up her robe.  "You can't play an opposite suit against the dealt hand!  How many times do I have to tell you that?"

 

Xander flicked his hand at her, scattering cards everywhere.  "I don’t want to play this game any more, Ayn.  It's stupid and you *cheat* at it.  You cheat at *all* the card games you want to play!"

 

"And you whine that I cheat at every card game you *loose*"

 

"I loose because you *cheat*!  I only *loose* because you *cheat*!  Notice that phenomena?  The parallel?  You cheat and I loose.  You change the rules to make *sure* I loose!"

 

"I do not!  I don't have to cheat to beat you!  And would you tie your robe, please!  I don't want to look at your stomach and it's rippling muscles!"

 

"Fine!"  Xander stood and yanked his robe closed, cinching it closed with a breath-stealing yank.  "Perhaps my stomach muscles and I will just head to bed.  How'd you like that?"  He demanded with a whisper, his breathe stolen from his massive robe tie.

 

Anya shrugged, her robe drooping.  She yanked it back up.  "Makes no never mind to me; take them to bed.  Who cares?  I certainly don’t.  I don’t need them or you."

 

They heard a scratching at the door and froze.  

 

They grinned at each other.  "Chair is in the room?"  Anya asked, moving to the door and locking the lock Spike had just unlocked.

 

"It is."

 

Anya relocked another lock.  "Okay.  1, 2, 3."  She relocked all the locks. *Go*."

 

They ran to the Spike room and sat at their pre-planed and pre-posed places, picked up their stacked hands of cards and waited.  

 

Spike stopped in the kitchen and they both shifted uncomfortably sharing an aggrieved look.  

 

Spike came into the room whistling.  He stopped dead and coughed.  "Sorry.  You two wanna use this room?"

 

Anya laid a card down and looked over her shoulder to smile and laugh flirtatiously.  "Why yes.  We wanna play cards, Spike.  With you."  She leaned forward and her robe stayed modestly upright.  She glared at her shoulder.

 

Xander picked up a card, played it and discarded another.  "Yeah.  Wanna play with us?"  He ignored the glare that Anya turned his way, well aware that he'd stolen her line, and leaned back in his chair.  He almost tipped over and windmilled his arms to stay upright, jerking forward.  Anya snickered at him.

 

"Oh, yeah sure, rummy is it?"  Spike came around and sat in his chair.  He swiped up the cards and began to shuffle.  "New deal?"  He'd all ready pulled the aces out and placed them on the bottom.  "My deal."

 

"Spike!"

 

"Spike, what happened to you?"

 

"What?"  Spike looked around him, checked his hands and arms.  "What?"

 

"You're bleeding!"

 

"What? I am?  Where?"

 

"Your eye!  Over your eye."



Spike swiped the back of his hand across his forehead.  He pulled it back and looked at it.  Bloody.  "Oh, yeah."  He licked the blood from his hand and continued to shuffle.  "Yeah.  He got in a good one.  I'm fine.  Just fine . . ." he looked up and surveyed the empty room.  "Guys?  Ayn?  Xan?  What?  We can't play cards cause I didn't duck a punch?  That hardly seems fair."

 

They both rushed back into the room, Anya with a damp cloth and Xander with the first-aid kit.  Spike shrank back against his chair.  "Guys?  M'okay, really.  It's just a nick."

 

Anya swabbed his cut.  He pulled further back.  "Bloody hell, Ayn.  That hurts!  What's it? Petrol?  *Not* an approved germ-killer and by the by, I don’t *need* a germ killer."  He turned his beseeching gaze to Xander.  Xander moved Anya's hand and it's evil antiseptic doused cloth back to his cut.  "Ow!  *Stop* that!"

 

Anya looked at Xander.  "It needs a butter-fly patch, don’t you think?"

 

Xander nodded.  "Yeah.  Maybe two."

 

"It does *not*."  Spike told them, offended.

 

Anya reached out and began pushing the open ends of the cut together.  "Tape 'em."

 

Spike knocked her hands away and stood to avoid Xander's hands and his bandages.  "What in the bloody hell is wrong with you two?  It's a cut.  A gash.  A boo, bloody, boo.  Not a stake near me heart!  Not even a splinter.  My boo-boos heal just fine on their own, thank you very much.  Vampire perk."  Spike glared at them.  "Are you two stoned?  Have you been into my drink?  Without asking?"  

 

"Are you hurt anywhere else, Spike?  Places we can't see?"

 

Spike took another step back.  "Um.  No.  I'm peachy.  Really.  You can even call Buffy and ask her."

 

Anya and Xander both placed their hands on their hips and glared at him.  "We only want what's best for you, Spike."  Xander told him, his voice that of reason.

 

"You look hurt and we only want to help!"  Anya said, her voice ringing with that special combo of concerned hysteria and miff, reserved for lovers and mothers.  Spike liked it when it was directed at Xander; directed it at him, however, was something completely different.  Something creepy and scary. 

 

Spike took another step back from the pair.  "The both of you look all done in.  What say you have a lie-down and I'll bring in a nice pot of tea, yeah?  With lot's o' lemon and sugar?  Yeah, that'd hit the spot, wouldn't.  Go on."  Spike moved to them and grabbed their arms.  He propelled them out the door and pushed them towards their room.  "Just rest a bit and I'll be back right quick."  

 

"Well, okay.  Are you sure?  You're not feeling dizzy?"  Anya wrapped her arm around Xander.  "Do you think he should be making tea, Xan?"

  

"Well, no.  Maybe I should help him." 

 

"No!"  Spike barked.  "No.  Really.  I'll be fine.  You two just lie down and rest.  I'll be back with the tea.  You've both gone wonky.  Hell, I'll even read you a story.  Prove to you that I've all my mental faculties firmly about me."  Spike continued to move them towards their room and had them laying in bed and before they could say 'join us', he was out the door and in the kitchen.

 

Spike picked up the phone and punched in some numbers as he placed a kettle to boil.

 

"Yes?"

 

"Giles!"  Spike reached for the tea, rejecting the breakfast blend and pulled down the soothing bedtime-mint with its cute bedtime bear.

 

"Spike?  What is it?  What's happened?"

 

"They've gone *nuts*, Rupert.  Nuts."



 

Sigh.  "Who's gone nuts, Spike?"

 

"You know!"

 

"What have they done?"

 

"They are trying to *patch* *me* *up*."

 

Pause.

 

"Patch me-"

 

"Yes, yes.  Are you in pieces?"

 

"No!  That's the thing!  I'm *fine*!  I came back with a cut over me eye!  And that's it.  And I swear, Ayn and Xan are about to do open, bloody, heart surgery on me."

 

"They're just worried about you."

 

Pause.

 

"Worried a-"

 

"I damn well heard you, Rupert!"

 

"Spike?"

 

"Yes?"

 

"I'm hanging up now.  Go talk to your."  Pause.  "Go talk to Xander and Anya.  And Spike?"

 

"Yeah?"

 

"Never call me again."

 

"As you say, Rupes, old boy.  Call you later."  Spike hung up the phone.

 

No help there; bloody useless watcher.

---

Spike prepared a tea tray. Tossed some cookies on a plate and added that. Perhaps it was low blood sugar. That did strange things to humans, he knew. He thought of all the candy they'd had at the carnival and put the cookies back, grabbing a bottle of vodka instead. Maybe sugar was the whole problem. And anyway, the vodka was a good idea. He'd need it if they held him to his word and made him read a bedtime story. He wouldn't put it passed them and he'd be able to fill 'em up with enough vodka to have 'em pass out. xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
He headed back to Xan and Anya's room and, not bothering to knock, just barged in, expecting to find the two in bed where he'd left them. They weren’t in bed where he'd left them. Bloody hell. He placed the tray on the bedside table and then his hands on his hips. "Where'd you two bugger off to?"
The door slammed shut and he turned to find Xander and Anya glaring at him.
He smiled. 
They glared. 
"Guys?" Spike cocked his head. He moved along the bed, keeping to its edge. He came to stand in front of it. He tried his smile again, the really *good* one. And they only glared. 
"All right, now. 'Nuff o' this! What is wrong with the two of you?" 
"Xander?"
"Yes, Ayn?"
"That stupid wrestling you make us watch?"
"Yeah."
"Close-line."
"Cool." Xander reached out his hand and locked it with Anya's. The two rushed forward, catching an unprepared Spike across his chest and knocking him to the bed.
"What the bloody hell is *wrong* with you two? And I *demand* to know, right now!"
Xander and Anya ignored him, reaching for an arm each instead and pulling him up the bed until Spike's head hit the headboard.
"Opps."
"Sorry."
"'So' Kay. Just tell Spike what's yer malfunction and I'll make it all better. Can't be chip problems, or can it? You two get chipped while I was out for smokes? Whatever it is, I'll make it all better. Promise. I'll get the watcher on it. The witches. The slayer. Dawn, even. She's gotta be useful for *something* right? Guys?"
They ignored him, looking at each other instead. They smiled and then Xander's face bloomed into full on grin. The evil grin Spike thought so pretty.
"Hey, Any?"
"Yes?"
"We've got, Spike."
They turned their grins and gazes to Spike.
"Yes, we do." Anya winked down at him. "What are we gonna do with him?"

Part Twelve

"Oh, wait!  I know!"  Anya grinned and reached into the bedside table to
pull out handcuffs.  Two pairs.  She locked one circlet around Spike's
wrist, securing the other to the brass of the headboard.  She tossed the
other pair to Xander.  "Lock him up, honey."



"Clever girl." And Xander did, easily locking a still stunned Spike's free
wrist to the headboard.



They leaned over Spike's body for a high-five, grinning at each other.  "Now
we just have to make him naked." Anya smiled.



Spike tugged at his bonds and kicked his legs up.  "Guys?  It's a
possession, innit?  You're possessed, the both of you."  Spike nodded his
head.  "Fine.  That's just fine.  I'm just gonna ride it out with you.  Have
fun with it, I will.  You won't be all mad at me afterwards, will you?  It's
hardly my fault, is it?  Should I even mention calling the watcher?"



Xander and Ayna ignored him.



"We got anymore cuffs?  Or chains?  Something we can lock his legs down
with?"  Xander asked.  "Rope?  I *know* we have rope."



Ayna glared at Xander, crossing her arms across her chest.  "No.  We have no
leg-irons!  Remember?  You wont let me tie down your legs."



"So?"  He grinned at her.  "Get them."



Anya blew him a kiss and ran off to the closet.



"Guys?"



Xander looked down at Spike.  "You're talking; you don't get to talk, Spike.
This plan calls for you to be quiet, okay?  Wanna get with the plan?"



Spike smiled.  His pretty, non-threatening, smile.  "Xan?  Tell me the
plan?"



Xander smiled and shook his head.  "Shaddup, already.  You missed your
chance to play.  Now you just get played."



"Xander.  It's *me*.  Spike.  I'm all for this.  You two want some Spike?
Fine.  Let's play."



"Too late, Spike.  You had your chance, you know.  You wanted to go get
*tea* instead."



"What? Back there, in the Spike room?  That was a *seduction*?  I didn't
know!  You can't. . ."



"You're not helping yourself much, Spike."  Xander smirked down at him.
"Dissing our carefully planed seduction is *not* the way to go."



"Okay.  Here they are."  Anya held up chains and cuffs.  "And I found this,
too."  She held up a ball-gag; black leather, with a bright red ball.  "But
I don't want to use it, really.  Spike's mouth is so pretty.  It's one of
his best features.  I'd like to have it free for us."  She moved to Xander
and kissed his cheek.  "For you especially, Xander."



"Now, see here. . ."



Anya twirled the ball-gag, glaring down at Spike.  "We can always save the
mouth for later."  She moved her mouth to Xander's, kissing him deeply.



"Ayn?  *Why* do we have a ball-gag?"  Xander asked, after the kiss.



Ayna stepped back with a grin, looking down at the implement in her hand and
then back up at Xander.  "Impulse buy.  It was at the end of the isle while
I was shopping at the sex-store one day.  I was feeling generous towards you
one day.  But I then, of course, decided that you don't deserve to have me
silent during sex.  You might miss something important that I would have to
tell you.  And I didn't want to silence you during sex, you know, because
you make all those cute little squeaks and sounds, and well, you might want
me to wear it if I made you wear it.  So I hid it in the closet."



Spike shut his mouth with a click, watching them.  He smiled and spread his
legs.  "One thing and then I'll refrain from speaking except for appropriate
moans and such.  Would you take my boots and jeans off before the ankle
cuffs?"  He wiggled his eyebrows.  "Please?"



"Oh.  Well.   I was gonna leave the boots *on*.  But."  Anya dropped the
chains and picked up Spike's right foot, beginning to unbuckle and unlace
his boot.  She pushed his leg down, knee towards his stomach as she
continued to unlace the boot.  She looked over her shoulder to smile at
Xander.  "Do we even need the leg cuffs?"  She worked Spike's leg, moving it
back and forth, tilting it in and out.  "Maybe we should leave the legs
free.  He might need leverage." She pulled off his boot and tossed it over
her shoulder.



Xander went to work on the other boot.  "Yeah.maybe we should leave the legs
free.  For leverage."  He tossed Spike's boot over his shoulder and to the
floor.  He glared at Spike.  "Long as he doesn't try anything funny with his
legs.  You gonna try anything funny, Spike?"



Spike smiled and shook his head.  He wiggled his toes.



Xander removed the sock and bit Spike's ankle.



"Oh, my.  That's so pretty."  Anya let Spike's leg drop and moved to the bed
to sit next to him.  Spike was busy watching Xander chew on his leg and didn
't notice Anya reaching into the bedside table once again.  The flash of
shiny metal caught his eye and he turned to look at Anya holding up a large
knife.  His eyes got big and he pushed his leg against Xander's teeth.



"Oh. I'm not going to cut you.  Just your shirt."  She reached for the neck
of his t-shirt and sliced it neatly down the middle.  "See?  That's just
good quality k'atara demon craftsmanship.  Much better than that cheap knock
off Ginsu stuff."  She smiled at the knife before replacing it.  Spike
whimpered.  "Oh."  She moved the shirt open, rubbing his chest, stopping to
pinch a nipple.  "Did you *want* me to cut you, Spike?"  Anya grinned.
"Maybe later."



Xander dropped Spike's leg and moved to sit on the bed.  He began to unsnap
Spike's jeans.



Spike moaned and Xander finished unsnapping Spike's jeans.



Anya leaned over Spike's body to kiss Xander once again.



Spike moaned.



Anya pulled back from the kiss to smile.  "He's being so *good*, isn't he,
Xander?"



"Yeah.  Let's get the jeans off."



The two rose from the bed and moved to the end to pull off Spike's jeans.
They grinned at each other.



"He's being *very* good."  Anya murmured, her gaze on Spike's erection.



She took Xander's hand in hers and moved them to the pretty toy that was
Spike's cock.  They started at the base and moved up and over, slicking
their hands with Spike's pre-cum as he thrust up and against their hands.
Anya pulled their hands away, ignoring Spike's moan of protest.  She offered
her hand to Xander and took Xander's hand and drew it to her mouth, licking
the taste of Spike from his palm.  Xander did the same, licking her hand
clean of Spike.  They both moved to sit on the bed, each at Spike's side.



"Kiss him, Xander."



Xander leaned over Spike, his tongue coming out to wet his lips, before
pulling back to glare at Anya.  "Me?  Why me?  *You* kiss him."



"Me? *I'm* not going to kiss him!  *You* kiss him!"



Spike rattled his cuffs.  "You can both kiss my -"



Anya reached down and pulled up the ball-gag, waving in front of Spike,
while glaring at Xander.



"-ass!"  Spike finished, eyes on the ball-gag.



"Why do you want *me* to kiss him first?  Will it be, 'Oh, Xander did it!
He kissed Spike first!  He made me do it!'"



Anya reached over to slap Xander upside the head with the ball-gag.  Spike
grinned.  "I sound *nothing* like that!  And why would you even think that?
Are you worried that I'll be angry after we ravish Spike?  Are you worried
I'll bring vengeance down upon you?"  Anya moved from the bed to stand and
glare, hands on hips.  "Are you *afraid* of me, Xander?"  She demanded.



"*I'm* not, Anya-pet."  Spike told her.



Anya waved the ball-gag at him again, still only looking at Xander.



"No.  No, I'm not *afraid* of you, Ayn." Xander began with a soothing tone,
his hand moving up and down Spike's chest.  "Maybe I'm wondering that if I
kiss first maybe you'll wonder if I want Spike more than I want you."



Anya laughed.  "What?  Why would I think that?"  She sat back down next to
Spike.  "Oh, Xander, honey, I would never believe that."



"Um, *hello*!  Incredibly sexy vampire cuffed to the bed.  What's not to
believe 'bout that?"



"So it's okay for me to, well, *want* Spike?"



Spike growled and Anya giggled.  "We *do* have him naked and hand-cuffed to
our bed, Xander.  Now is not the time for questions.  I'm all invested in
this.  I've been *planning* this moment!  You can even ask, Patty!  We've
discussed and planned."



"*Patty*!  The sneaky bitch!  She never said a thing!"  Spike snarked.



"Really?"



Anya reached for Xander, pulling his head to hers for a kiss.  "Yes.  Come
on, we have a sexy Spike all tied up and ours.  Let's play with him."  She
kissed him softly.  "We'll kiss him together."



They leaned down and placed their lips against Spike's, pressing down and
pulling back with a  smack.  Spike opened his mouth just as they pulled up
to smile at each other.  He growled.



"See?"  Anya asked.



Xander looked down at Spike splayed out between them.  He grinned.  "All for
us?"



"Yep."  Anya nodded.



"The two of you can go fuck each *other*!  I'm sick of this playing!  I'm
not a bloody *toy* for the two of you!   I've *feelings* you, know-"



Xander and Anya moved down as one and kissed Spike's open mouth; tongues'
sliding in and around, playing with each other's as well as Spike's.  Spike
moaned and moved his head up, thrusting up and into the kiss, biting,
licking and tasting.



Hands moved to his cock as the kiss continued and he was a happy vampire.
When they moved back to take in air, Spike grinned.  "You guys want Spike so
*bad*."



Xander winked at Anya, still squeezing Spike's cock.  He eyed the ball-gag.
"Can we gag him for the first part?"

tbc



---
"Yeah, you're a nummy treat!" ~Spike, 'Hush,' season 4.

NummyTreats: http://cascade.squidge.org/cgi-bin/lyris.pl?enter=nummytreats
Fic archive: http://nummy.verticalcrawl.com
eScribe archive: http://www.escribe.com/tv/nummytreats/index.html