Never Do Anything
by Nancy

Never Do Anything
by Steven Page and Ed Robertson

Wiped out down the stairs
I'll bet you there's a song in there
I'm not sure I'm prepared to write it down.
That guy should be me
I'd look much better on t.v.
Then the world would see
That I can do anything

I can be that
But soon you'll see that
I will never do anything

Let's play tic-tac-toe
I'll play X, you can be the O.
Thoughts of turning pro
Have crossed my mind
I could make a mint
Fill my pockets with more than lint
I'll give you a hint
It involved the "internet."

I can be that
But soon you'll see that
I will never do anything
Don't write me off as an also ran
Just mark me down as an angry man
Got a big chip, you want a fat lip?
How 'bout a mouthful of Chiclets?
Life passed me by, but it's not my fault
I'll lick my wounds, could you please pass the salt?
I can be that, but soon you'll see that
I will never do anything

If I were king
All my subjects would dance and sing
The could kiss my ring
And kiss my ass
When I'm old and grey
I'll look back on my life and say
"Give me one more day,
And still I'll never do anything."

I can be that
But soon you'll see that
I will never do anything
I can bee that
But soon you'll see that
I will never do anything.

********

Willow put down the album jacket as the song finished. It reminded her so
much of both Spike and Xander that when she'd heard the song pounding
through the dorm room wall, she'd decided to get herself a copy of the CD.
The band was one she'd heard before and always liked for their sarcastic and
often too true view of the world. This could be seen in the name of a band
of five men who call themselves the Barenaked Ladies.

Laying back against the pillows on her bed, she began to think about why
those two men had been on her mind. Lately, the Scooby gang had been so
wrapped up in the changes in and around them all that it seems they'd left
someone behind. Xander had been here since the beginning. It didn't seem
fair that life handed him a different path. He was the only "normal" one in
the group, which made him all the more different. No super powers or
mystical calling for him. If only he could escape it all and have a long
and fulfilling life.

Willow cared so much for Xander that at times she cried for him. He didn't
seem to have a direction to follow. Anya's no good for him. That's for
certain. But what makes her so bad? She treats him just like we all do and
at least apparently gives him good sex (Ewww!). That's more than anyone
could say about his so called friends.
Sighing, she turned onto her side and thought of Spike. Like Xander, he
seemed to be on the peripheral of the group. Unlike Xander, that was a
giant leap up from where he'd been before. But still, he just seemed to
have no direction. No one to care for him. Even though he's the "Big Bad"
and all that, he seems to be just the little boy that Xander will always be
in her eyes.

An idea that had been incessantly banging her conscience over the head
emerged in the midst of all this anxt-fest. It was a huge invasion of
privacy but. . . just maybe it would help.

*******

Spike watched the woman through the window. No he wasn't 'peeping', just
living life viscerally. She was out in the sunshine while he was sitting in
the back of an old crypt staying out of the sunlight. She was a round woman
with a smile on her face. Sitting on a rise in the cemetery reading, of all
bloody things. He'd tried to figure out what the book was but it didn't
sound right. Some loose bound book, with two good looking men on the front,
called Serge Protector? Whatever. She just seemed to be enjoying the book
an awful lot if the color in her cheeks and the scent in the air was to be
believed.

It was sickening really. Here he was, a handsome man, forever in the prime
of his sexual peak, and watching this dim bint, who doesn't even have the
sense to stay away from the cemeteries in Sunnydale was the more thrilling
of plans for the afternoon. Even after the sun went down, there wouldn't be
anything to do. Not unless he was into pain in his head, which he isn't, or
getting staked, another no-no. Maybe he'd see what the whelp was up to.
Give 'im someone to laugh at anyway. Xanders life is even more pathetic
than his own. Unless, of course, it made him worse 'cause at least the
moron was gettin' some. Not that the ex-demon was anything special. I
mean, she could hardly keep the kid satisfied. It poured off him whenever
they were together. If he'd hook up with someone like Spike. . .Oh, this
wasn't happening again. Back to watching the fluffy woman and thinking
about going out to play in the sunlight with the boy.

********

Laying on the sheets, Xander stared hard at his moldering ceiling and let
out a long sigh. Anya was in the shower washing all his 'ick' off, as she
put it. She loved the way their parts interlock but any trace he left on
her had to be washed away. It didn't bother him as much as it used to. At
first he was offended but, oh well. It's not like she's the first to just
take what they can get from him and wash the rest down the drain. Hell,
most of the time growing up, it had been him washing it away in the shower
after his parents took what they could.

Another sigh, as he rolled over. . . into the wet spot. Just great. Up and
at 'em and get the sheets changed. Wouldn't want to leave a trace.
Sometimes it just seemed like soo much work for a few minutes of incidental
pleasure. As long as she got off a few times, he could relax and let
himself enjoy the last few minutes.

God, if only Spike still lived here. This sounds bad even in his own head
but, at least he'd have an excuse during the day. I mean, it's not like
Anya could kick him out in the day time and she certainly wouldn't want to
interlock parts with him there. Although, maybe she would go for a
three-some. Oh My God, he actually allowed that thought to surface!
Scrubbing over his scalp as if to clean his brain, Xander got off the bed
and began erasing all hints of wet and sticky from the room. The whole time
thinking consciously to himself that he just wanted to hang with the Vampire
'cause he understands my sense of humor.

********

As she finished setting up, Willow shut her conscience up with a mental
slap. This wasn't going to hurt anyone. The only reason that she didn't
tell Tara is because, because. . .well, whatever. It's not like she has to
answer to anyone or anything, being her own woman and all.

Once the room was ready she quickly re-read the spell. It was simple and
shouldn't take too long. Not that she needed to hurry or anything. And so
she began.

The first was Xander 'cause he'd be easier for her to read. Except that
when she looked into the bowl of water, she saw the both of them. Okaaay.
That must mean that Xander was actively thinking about Spike. Seems he was
thinking about. . . playing with him? He was thinking about painting with.
. . Hershey's syrup and. . . Spike, at the same time. Weird. Okay, we'll
check Spike then.

There they both were again. Only this time they were sitting under the sun,
playing in a sandbox. What was it she'd been thinking a little while ago?
About them just being little boys? Oh, goddess! Tara's back! Good thing
she'd cast a sentry first to let her know when her girlfriend got here.
Quickly cleaning up and emptying the bowl, Willow failed to notice that the
two scenes were still playing over the surface of the water until it was too
late. There was a short puff of smoke and all the candles in the room went
out.

"That cannot be good." she groaned.

"What did you do?" Tara asked as she flew in the room. "I could feel you
casting without me. Will, s s something's wrong!"

********

"Xander!" Anya screeched. "Where did you go? I want you to bring me out to
lunch. I'm hungry now and as the boyfriend, it's your responsibility.
Xander? Xander!"

********

"Hey, you wanna go play?" Xan asked the little boy with yellow hair. He had
really yellow hair. It was kind-of weird looking but that's okay. Xander
likes weird.

"Sure! Do you have a sandbox?" The other boy asked. They both looked
around as if just noticing they were in an unfamiliar place. Xan recognized
it as the place they went on that holiday at the beginning of summer to put
the little flag where granpa went to when he died.

"Um, I don't know. My name is Alexander Levalle Harris. What's yours and
how did your hair get that color? Did someone scare you so bad all your
color fell out?"

"Hey! I'm not scared of nothing, ya wanker!"

"What's a wanker?"

"Um, (whispers) it's a bad word."

The woman that had been reading looked up at their voices. Not wanting to
frighten them, she asked if they had parents nearby. When they both gave
her a strange look, she got down on one knee and started asking other
questions like their names, where they were from, who they were with. When
she couldn't get much more than a name out of them, she invited them for ice
cream figuring she could get to a payphone without alarming the kids.

********

Tara, being the stronger of the two witches quickly got out what they would
need and started chanting in the hopes of finding out what had happened.
Both women gasped in shock as the full understanding of what had happened
came out.

Willow immediately ran to phone Giles while Tara located the kids and put a
suggestion into the woman who was helping them. Once Willow was off the
phone, the two women ran out the door and towards the cemetery.

********

Once the children were collected, they all met at Giles' house for an
emergency Scooby meeting. Angel was there, having come to Giles with a
problem. Once Buffy took stock of what had happened and realized there was
no slayer action to be had, she and Riley left to go to a fair that was just
the next town over. She informed everyone she was taking her beeper so if
anything important came up, she could be reached.

Once they'd left, Angel came out of the back room closely followed by Faith.
She was holding his hand and looking around wearily. Angel quickly
explained that he'd come up from LA because Faith had been re-habilitated
and was entrusted to his care. He was getting watcher tips from Giles since
Westley was having a hard time dealing with the whole situation.
After that, they got down to business. They figured the boys to be about
4-5 years old. They were both so cute! The constant bickering seemed to be
getting on everyones nerves though so, after much debate, Angel and Faith
were designated sitters and the others got down to the business of finding
out how to reverse the spell goof.

********
"Hey, gimme that back!" could be heard throughout the entire apartment and
probably outside too. There weren't many things to occupy young children at
Giles' place so they were coloring with the assortment of highlighter and
regular pens from the desk. Apparently there was only one green marker
though and both boys wanted it. It had passed back and forth between them
at regular intervals by Faith until she got sick of the whole thing and went
to make supper. Now it was Angel's turn to keep and eye on the boys and he
had no idea what to do.

He was sitting with his eyes closed on the couch when the yelling escalated.
Opening his eyes, he got the surprise of his life. He couldn't decide if he
should laugh or scold but, there was a 4 year old Xander Harris, holding an
equally youthful Spike, William the Bloody, across his lap and giving the
boy a whoopin' that would make any parent take lessons. Angel figured he'd
better intervene before this got ugly, but he was definitely going to use
this one at some point.

"What do you think your doing?" he thundered! Both boys stopped what they
were doing but neither looked repentant.

"He said a bad word." Xander said with the surety that he was right. "You
always get a spanking if you say bad words." He informed proudly.

Angel eased the smaller boy back to his seat managing to hold his laughter
in. "Just what did he say?"

"He said you were a bloody wanker and some other stuff I don't understand.
I do know the other thing is bad though." He said opening his big brown
eyes wider. He was so sincere that Angel just told them both not to do it
again and went back to the couch.

********

Finally Faith came back with a tray of sandwiches for the boys. Hopefully
with their mouths full they can't argue. Wrong! Now it was, "But I don't
like this stuff! I want peanut butter and fluff!" And, "What's fluff?"
But apparently Faith had anticipated this.

"There's ice cream sundae's for any good little boys who eat 1 whole
sandwich."

That did the trick and they were mowing down whatever she'd made them.
After they'd eaten every last crust, she presented them each with a bowl of
vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup. Unfortunately, not knowing children
too well, she gave them too much. By the time they were done, they were
wearing more than they'd eaten.

********

Now it was time for the adults to argue apparently. Angel wanted no part of
washing either child. For that matter, neither did Faith. She was,
however, willing to take Xander if Angel would just get his Childe into the
shower and get the syrup out of his hair. He finally caved, as she knew he
would and agreed to get Spike cleaned. When that episode was finally over,
he came out trailing a soggy, large t-shirt wearing, sleeping child.

********

Faith got Xander all set to get himself into the shower. When he was done
she re-washed his hair to get the last of the ice cream and syrup out and
gave him another of Giles' t-shirts to wear to bed. By the time they left
the bathroom, it was getting pretty late. All the lights were out so she
left the bathroom one on and went in search of Angel. When she found him,
it was truly an "awwwww" moment.

There, on the couch lay a shirtless Angel with a small bundle of child
wrapped in his arms. When she leaned over and ruffled his dark hair his
sleepy eyes opened. "Why don't you leave him here. We'll get Xander
settled on the other end and you can come share Giles' waterbed with me."
she invited.

Angel just gaped at her. "Okay, your loss." was whispered before he could
react further. At that, he was easing his way out from under the boy and
following like a puppy up the stairs. Images of making waves dancing in his
head.

********

And that's all she wrote folks. There will be not further in this story.
It was just a silly piece of fluff that's now done. I think we can assume
that Giles, Willow and Tara get everything reversed and no-one tells Buffy
about Angel and Faith even being there, nevermind sleeping together in Giles
' waterbed.

This is soooo not my style of writing but it's just how it came out.

I can't believe I just stayed up all night writing this. It is now 6:32 AM.
I went to bed around 3 and told my hubby about the challenge Aradia had
issued for me. He got a big kick out of it and, probably since it was 3 AM,
he started going off on them being changed into two 4y/o's. I started
laughing so hard (which is something I'm not supposed to be doing right
now). I couldn't sleep after he'd sicked all those horrible plot bunnies at
me.