Her name used to be Xander.
She wasn't too sure *who* she was now. Nor did she know *where* she
was. What's more, she didn't care. She didn't even want to *think*
about it. And she didn't have to if she didn't want to.
That was the whole point of this... place. Or non place as the case
may be.
She was surrounded by a vague shapeless void. Adrift in a vast
nothing. No thought or emotion could pierce the veil of her sense of
non-being, of nothingness. At least, not for any real length of time.
Everything was muted and hazy. Blunted and padded and unreal. Just
like she was.
Her eyes stared out at foggy grey space. Every now and then a misty
and dull colored object would appear before her and she would sense
it's presence in an unrelated sort of way. Tables, park benches,
food, clothing, blonde hair... It fluttered before her eyes and then
it would drift away again. It didn't matter because she *refused* to
allow these various things have any importance to her. If she cared
about something... then she would *hurt*. And the pain was too
intense.
Usually she didn't feel anything but slightly numb and the air seemed
thick and sluggish. However, sometimes she caught impressions of warm
material, cold stone or even soft skin over strong lean muscles, but
as with the things that she sometimes recalled seeing, she ignored it
all. It was easier this way.
There were sounds too. Sometimes there was a sharp blast from a car
horn or the rough bark of a dog. She could recall various voices
screaming or pleading for mercy and sometimes there was loud pounding
music. However, the sound that she heard most often was a softly
spoken low voice with an oddly comforting accent. She rarely paid
attention to the individual words. Words could hurt, so she avoided
those, but she did find the rolling tones and staccato inflections a
calming distraction from herself. She found that she missed that
voice when it was absent from her emotionless and thoughtless misty
nothingness.
Lost in her internal void, she was vaguely aware that she was being
guided to stand up and to move forward through space. Unresisting,
she followed. She felt the sensation of motion and her limbs working
in tandem, but she didn't focus on that. The non-stop murmur
whispered in her ears and she was not even slightly curious as to the
meaning being imparted to her, she merely allowed the sounds to pour
over her and through her, leaving behind a wash of calm. Sluggish air
swirled around her and still she followed after the cool gentle hands
that led her onwards. It was at that point that a sharp horrified
voice that she knew all too well yelled loudly enough to pull her out
of the void and slam her frighteningly and intensely into the real
world once again.
"HOLY HELL!!! *THAT'S* XANDER!"
"*Yes* you bloody wanker! That's *Xander*! I *told* you that Anya
turned him into a female you great dolt! What? Didn't you believe me?"
With painfully crystal clear awareness, Xander stared up into the
face of the man he had spent the better part of his high school years
tormenting and insulting. Angel was staring at her as if she was a
gory and violent car wreak on the side of the road. The kind you
didn't *want* to look at, but you just couldn't help yourself. His
expression was a mix of outraged horror and creeped-out fascination.
Xander felt herself become overwhelmed with intense emotions that she
was just not prepared to deal with.
Mortification.
She had treated Angel so horribly and now here she was, at the lowest
and most embarrassing point in her entire life. Not even a man
anymore. Not even a person anymore. Her sense of self ripped away to
leave nothing behind except self-loathing and pain.
Anger.
Everything that she had ever loved and cared for had been torn from
her with a ruthless and mindless savagery. Her very soul was left
shattered and bleeding in the dirt and all Angel could do was stare
in shock. What's more, Xander was angry with herself. For *not*
hating Anya. In spite of everything Anya had done to her and to her
friends, some small insane part of Xander still loved her. Still
wanted her.
Fear.
Fear that Anya would come back and create more havoc and also a
strange fear that Anya would forget about her and stay far away. She
became afraid of Angel and what the dark vampire would do to her,
with her. Would he pity her and yet still be glad that the man she
used to be was no longer around to torment him. Would he turn her
away to try and fight for her survival on the streets. Would he
accuse her of the pain that Anya had unleashed upon the entire Scooby
Gang? Would he laugh?
It was too much. Too much pain and hurt and fear. She couldn't deal
with it and she shrank back against Spike. She clutched at his hand
tightly and tried in vain to hide behind him. She could feel tremors
and quakes begin to shake her body and a nearly soundless whimper
escaped her throat. Just as she felt tears start to swim in her eyes
and blur her vision, bright blue eyes in a pale face turned to gaze
at her and she focused on the blonde vampire she had been gifted to.
"S-Spike? I... I'm scared..."
And then, as if something inside of her head had reached maximum
overload, she switched off again. Sliding back down into her velvety
grey nothingness. She watched as Spike's pale face became fuzzy and
indistinct and she could hear him talking to her, but the words were
once again meaningless and it was only the pure tones that she could
understand. The world faded away and with it fled all of her pain and
anguish and heartache. Buoyed on a sea of non-thought she found
comfort in pure mindless escape.
*******
Angel sat down on the edge of his bed and tried to pull his scattered
thoughts into some semblance of order. He didn't think he could be
blamed for his distraction however, no matter how inconvenient it
might be. He thought that he had reached the point where he could no
longer be shocked, but when his Childe Spike and his mortal charge
Xander had wandered in an hour or so before the dawn, he had been
proven wrong.
The endlessly annoying yet impressively brave young boy he remembered
from Sunnydale was nowhere in evidence inside the shell of that
broken and lost young woman. He knew that he shouldn't have been
surprised, Spike *had* warned him after all, but hearing about it and
witnessing it were two entirely different things. And it had rocked
his world on many levels.
For one thing, Xander's new body was incredibly beautiful. She was
tall, lean and had a soft full figure that could best be described as
lush. Even crammed into clothing that was obviously the wrong size
for her. Her hair was a silky veil of long midnight curls and her
skin was pale and soft. She was a strange mixture of irresistibly
erotic and mindnumblingly revolting.
However, it was her dark liquid eyes that had struck the deepest
chord in Angel. One minute they were expressing such unbearable pain
and sorrow that it almost broke his undead heart just looking into
their endless depths and the next, they were empty and blank. No
longer windows to the soul, but mirrors that reflected the world back
on itself. It was enough to make him shudder.
And Spike? He had been so gentle and protective. So calm and
soothing. He had treated her with the same sensitive caring and
patience when she was lost inside her own mind as he did when she was
aware and trembling in fear. Angel had been stunned. At first he had
thought that Anya must have bespelled his Childe to care for Xander
even though his reaction to the mortal had been hauntingly familiar.
Then it had hit him, and once it did, it was so obvious that he
wondered how he had missed it before.
Drusilla.
That was how Spike had *always* treated Dru. The lovely dark haired
and hopelessly insane vampire that he had Sired as a companion for
them both. He himself had often grown bored and impatient with Dru
and her wandering from reality, but Spike never had. He'd always been
tender and soft spoken to her, treating her as if she were a delicate
flower that needed constant care and devotion.
And that was how Spike was treating Xander.
Idly, Angel wondered if his Childe had a thing for *all* dark haired
and helplessly dependant women, if it was because Xander reminded him
specifically of Dru, or if it was, as Spike claimed, his fear of
Anya's anger and vengeance. Spike himself probably didn't even know
the answer to that question. In any case, it was painfully obvious
that Xander was safe with Spike.
With a quirk of his lips, Angel acknowledged that, not only was Spike
being overprotective, he was being possessive as well. When Angel had
finally shown them upstairs, Spike had thrown a hissy-fit because
Angel had planned on them having separate rooms in the rambling old
hotel.
"Bloody hell Pouf! She's spent the last three weeks sleeping next to
me on top of a marble tomb inside my crypt. I *don't* think sharing a
bedroom will be too traumatic for her. However, waking up *alone*
might. So bugger off!"
And that had been that.
He shook his head and erased the vision of his indignant and
overprotective Childe from his minds eye and tied off the laces on
his shoes. It was time to get started on his evening. He had already
warned Cordelia of Xander's condition and she was to meet up with her
ex-boyfriend today. There was a list of things that he knew Cordy
wanted to do with and for Xander. He just hoped that it turned out
okay. He didn't think Xander would deal with another shock well.
Spike turned to face the door at the sound of the faint knocks.
"Hello? Spike? I want to come in, but you *have* to promise not to
bite me. You try to bite and I'll be forced to stake. Then Angel will
be sad. Deal?"
Spike grinned. Walking across the room, he opened the door to stand
face to face with a well dressed and equally well armed Cordelia. She
wore a soft pale blue shirt with sparkling white trim and she held a
loaded crossbow in her arms. It was aimed directly at his heart and
she didn't smell of fear. Only confidence in her ability to turn him
into a billowing cloud of ashe. His grin widened.
"'S a deal luv. I won't bite, you don't shoot me with the crossbow."
He stepped back and gestured further into the main sitting room to
where Xander was sitting on a dark green velvet divan. With one last
searching look into his face to see if he was lying, Cordelia stepped
into the room and walked over to the silent woman who used to be her
boyfriend at one time.
"Hey Xan... Um, I don't mean to be rude or anything, but that is
*truly* a horrible outfit you're wearing. What possessed you to make
you wear *that*? Not only is it ugly, but it doesn't even fit right."
Spike blinked in shock. He hadn't know what to expect from the
cheerleader when she got her first look at the new Xander, but a
fashion critique *wasn't* it. He wandered over to them to come to
Xander's defense when he noticed Cordelia getting visibly upset.
"Look. I'll admit that wasn't the *nicest* thing I could have said,
but hey, this is weird for me too, ya know. Still, that's no reason
to just *ignore* me."
The actress leaned forward and snapped her fingers in front of
Xander's face twice. Rolling his blue eyes, Spike reached out and
gently touched her arm to get her attention.
"Hey Prom Queen! Xander isn't ignoring you, so don't take it
personally. This is just... how she is now. The lights are on, but
nobody's home, ya know?"
Cordelia stood back up and a variety of emotions flickered across her
lovely face too fast for Spike to identify them and then her features
settled into one that seemed to be cheerful and friendly, but her
eyes were concerned and worried. She took a deep breath and gathered
herself together, then turned to face Spike.
"Okay. Let me see if I've got this right. Xander was turned into a
female and then just got... quiet? No talking, no joking, no 'hey!
i'm pissed off! action going on at all?"
Spike nodded and gestured to the brunette sitting on the old fashion
sofa and staring blankly out into space.
"Nope. She just seems to stare a lot. Every now and then she
comes 'round for a moment or two and twice she actually spoke, but
mostly she's like that. As for her clothes... well, you can't blame
them on Xander. They belonged to Anya. All of Xander's things were
burnt up in the fire that killed her parents."
Cordelia's nose crinkled up at the thought of Xander not owning any
of her own clothes. Spike could almost see the wheel in her perky
little head turning.
"Well. First things first. New clothes. Ones that *fit*. She'll be
more comfortable physically and nothing cheers *me* up faster than
knowing I look good. It'll probably work for Xander too."
Spike stared at her as if he had grown a third eye and wondered if
the cheerleader had gone soft in the head from over exposure to
Angel's lack of personality.
"Pet. I appreciate the thought, but she can't exactly go off to the
mall to try on outfits, now can she? Not only will you get no
opinions from her, but she can't get dressed and undressed by
herself."
Cordelia waved his concerns aside and flashed him a wide grin.
"That's okay. I'm a champion shopper. I can go and pick her up a few
outfits and the essentials for now. Once she's feeling better, she
can always expand her wardrobe then. Um... what size does she wear?"
Spike rolled his eyes and sighed.
"How the bloody hell should *I* know? She didn't come with a set of
bleedin' instructions as if she was a stereo."
Cordelia rolled her own eyes and began to mutter under her breath
about men in general and Spike in specific. She turned on her heel
and stomped towards the door. She called out one last demand before
walking out of their rooms.
"Help Xander get underdressed to her foundation garments. I'll go get
a measuring tape and figure out her size. Then I'll go out and buy
her some clothes."
Spike ran a hand up over his face in exasperation and reminded
himself once again that he was putting up with all of this crap for
Xander. She needed it and he was the first to admit that he had no
clue how to take care of a helpless mortal. Dru had been different.
She, at least, could *somewhat* function and do a *few* things for
herself. Xander, on the other hand, looked like sex on legs and acted
like a mute infant. It was a frustrating and disconcerting
combination.
Finally, he managed to calm himself enough after Cordy's little visit
to try and do what the prom queen had asked. He walked over to Xander
and knelt down on the floor in front of her. He reached out and
gently brushed a stray lock of hair out of her sweet face.
"Pet? We need to get you down to your skivvies, okay? Cordelia will
come back in a few minutes to measure you and she needs you to be
undressed. It won't hurt, but if you get cold you have to tell me,
okay? Can you tell me if you get cold?"
He waited a moment, but Xander didn't answer. She just continued to
stare right through him. He petted her cheek tenderly.
"That's okay luv. You think about it while we get you ready."
Moving slowly, he reached down and lifted one of her feet. Being
careful not to hurt her, he removed her sneaker and the little ankle
sock. That done, he lifted her other foot and repeated the process,
cooing to her the entire time. Once she was barefoot, he stood up and
reached down to grab her by the arms. Gently, he pulled her to a
standing position.
"Come on pet. Time to stand up. That's it. Good. Now, turn around so
I can reach the zipper."
Directing her motion, Spike turned her to face the back on the room.
Careful not to pinch her skin with it's metal teeth, he lowered the
zipper on the back of the dress she was wearing. Using slow motions
so he didn't startle her, Spike pushed the lemon yellow dress off of
Xander's shoulders.
"Oh my God. Why isn't she wearing a bra?"
Spike turned his head to glare at Cordelia. His Sire's secretary was
standing in the doorway staring.
"Because she doesn't own any, that's why. Anya's didn't fit her. Why?
What's the big deal?"
Cordy rolled her eyes and strolled into the room once again.
"Well, duh. Xander is too big chested to go without a bra. It's
probably painful if she moves too fast. I'll make sure to pick up a
couple pairs for her."
She turned and shoved a pen and a clipboard in Spike's hands. Then,
with a flick of her wrist, she unrolled a long measuring tape.
"Here. Record down the measurements as I read them off. I'll convert
them into clothing sizes when I'm done."
It had been a week and a half since his wayward Childe and the now
female Xander had shown up on his doorstep begging for shelter and
help. And he was willing to admit that at first, he wasn't sure if
there was anything that they could do to help Xander. The young woman
had retreated into her own mind and then had barricaded the door.
But now, looking back, he could see a difference. Granted, it wasn't
a whole lot, but it *was* there. And all of the progress Xander had
made was the direct result of Spike's never ending attention and
concern and Cordelia's refusal to stop trying to regain her friend.
Cordelia had walked into Spike and Xander's suite of rooms and had
taken charge with a swift efficiency and a surprisingly gentle
demeanor. He had always known that Cordy had a huge heart and a
wellspring of compassion, but she rarely wore her feelings on her
sleeve. She hid her finer and softer emotions behind a well designed
armor of cutting remarks and a beguilingly lovely face. Most people
didn't bother to take the time to look beneath her surface and he
felt that caused them to miss out on a lot. Now Spike could also see
the same qualities in her. With their mutual need to care for Xander,
they had built a strange relationship that consisted of trading
advice, women's fashion arguments and flying insults and teasing
banter.
Within days, Cordy had used his own money to supply Xander with a
bunch of new clothes. He winced at the bill, but the look of delight
on her face and the pleasure that Spike got out of dressing up his
mortal doll had made him hold his tongue. Then, his erstwhile
secretary had begun to try and teach Spike about women. It had
been... hilarious. Occasionally, Spike's indignant anger at her
remarks had to be diffused by him leaving the hotel for an hour or
two, but he had never hit or bit *her*. For that he was proud. His
boy had learned a lot of restraint during the time he had suffered
with the Initiative's chip implant.
As for Xander herself, well, she seemed to spend a lot more time
being... aware of her surroundings now. She only seemed to come up
out of herself in moments when things were extremely peaceful or when
she was literally frightened out of her mind.
So far Angel had only heard her speak once. That had been the night
they arrived and she had admitted to being afraid of him. However,
both Spike and Cordy had claimed that she had spoken to them. Cordy
said she had whispered that she needed to use the bathroom while
Cordy had been giving her a manicure. Spike said that the past three
days she had woken up and talked for a full five minutes, at least,
before shutting the world out again.
Even if she didn't talk to him, Angel had been witness to certain
changes personally. He noticed that Xander would actually *look* at
Spike and sometimes at Cordelia. Not look through them, but *at*
them. He also noticed that even when she was aware and mentally in
reality, Xander would *not* look at *him*. She looked away, to the
wall, the floor, at another person. Anywhere but at him. That was...
distressing.
Spike had warned him about brooding in front of Xander. Apparently,
he didn't want the confused young woman to think that Angel was angry
at *her*. So, he tried to be friendly and cheerful, but that wasn't
easy for him.
However, he wanted to do more to help than just being falsely
cheerful or brooding while locked away in his room. He wanted to
contribute more than just the money to pay for the clothes she wore
and the food she ate, but he wasn't sure *what* he could do that
wouldn't scare her.
*That* was the question that burned in his mind, what could *he* do
to help?
Spike held Xander in his arms as the young woman slowly drifted
awake. He was laying on his back in the large soft bed and Xander was
snuggled up tight against his side, with her head on his chest and
one leg flung up over his hip. It was a wonderfully intimate and sexy
way to start the evening.
This was quickly becoming Spike's favorite part of the day. In the
early evening when they first woke up, Xander was aware and focused
and sometimes she even spoke. And for the past week and a half that
she had been doing this, her bouts of reality focused awareness were
lasting longer and longer. Now, it wasn't until something upset her
enough to send her spiraling back into her own mind that Spike lost
the opportunity to chat up his delicate mortal. Unfortunately, it was
usually something inside her own thoughts that frightened her and
thus, Spike couldn't protect her from it.
He had great hopes that today she'd stay in the here and now even
longer than yesterday which was her personal best; forty-five minutes
in a row.
He began rubbing soft soothing circles on her back as he listened to
her heart-rate slowly speed up and her breathing pattern changed. She
shifted slightly in his arms, snuggling closer and rubbing her cheek
against his bare chest. Her gentle wriggling against his body sent an
involuntary rumbling purr up and out of his throat and he felt her
smile where it pressed into his skin.
"G' evening Pet. How are you feeling this lovely night?"
Xander lifted her head and dark liquid eyes looked at him. He
couldn't suppress the smile that erupted on his face whenever she
actually *focused* on him instead of staring through him as if he
wasn't there. He slowly reached out with his other hand and ran one
finger along her pale cheek. She offered him a tiny half smile and he
could have sworn his undead heart fluttered in his chest.
"I'm... okay. Cordy wants me to do aerobics with her tonight. She
said it will help me understand this... body I have. Is that okay?"
Spike nodded his head and indulged himself in his new-found enjoyment
of running his fingers through her midnight hair. She arched into the
soothing touch.
"I think that's a good idea luv. You've lost a bit of muscle-tone
from sitting too much. As annoying as the cheerleader can be, she's
right about that being a good thing to try. It'll probably help you
out with your problem with your center of balance, if nothing else."
Xander smiled shyly at him once again and Spike felt as if he were
falling into those lovely dark eyes with all of her hurt and pain
shinning in them. A tingle of excitement sizzled through him and he
wondered if he should tell her how he felt about her. How his
feelings were slowly changing. How he had come to delight in her
every nuance.
"Xander, I..."
He never got to finish what he'd been about to confess, however.
Xander raised up one hand sharply and held it towards him palm out.
"No. I'm... I'm *not* Xander. Not... anymore. I'm just... some girl
Anya created with her magic. I may have all of Xander's memories...
but I'm not *him* anymore. He... he *died* that night too. Hell
Spike, I can't even use my old I.D., I mean, look at me. I look like
I could be Xander's twin *sister*, but not *him*."
Spike looked deeply into her tear-filled eyes and knew that he was
going to lose her soon. She was reaching the point where the pain in
her heart and mind was too great. She would be retreating into that
non-place she went to in order to escape her own thoughts. He cringed
internally, but he had to ask.
"Well pet, if you're not *Xander*, then who are you?"
Her face expressed loss and sorrow and pain so eloquently that he
almost felt as if he could share her suffering with her. In response,
he tightened his arms around her, pulling her body even closer to his
own.
"I... I don't know. I'm not sure *who* I am. Spike? Who do *you*
think I should be?"
Spike's mind became frantic at the desperately asked question. She
was very confused and adrift in the world. He could understand why
she felt so lost and lonely, but *how* was he supposed to answer
that? What could he say that would calm her rising panic and keep her
from slipping away from him once again?
"I'm not sure luv. Not really. I mean, I *do* know some of it. For
one, you're *mine*. Mine to protect and take care of. Mine to cherish
and hold. As for the rest, that's up to you really.
I think you need to consider *what* you want to do with your life.
After all, you have a clean slate to work with, don't you? A fresh
start, a second chance. Whatever you decide, I'll support you in it.
You do know that, don't you?
What's more, if you don't want to be called Xander anymore, than
that's fine too. Just... pick a name that you like and I'll use my
contacts to set you up with a whole new identity. We'll get you a
driver's license, birth certificate, the works. Okay?"
An odd look came over her face then. It wasn't the one that signaled
that she was about to go into a catatonic state, but her thoughts
were definitely focused inward. Spike found himself holding a breath
that he didn't need as he waited to see what she thought of his
little improvised speech. When she spoke, it wasn't to Spike himself,
but more to herself. Almost as if she were trying her thoughts out
loud to hear how they sounded.
"Who am I? Well... I'm Spike's. I *belong* to Spike. William's girl."
Then, those dark intense eyes focused outward once again and he was
relieved to find that the anguish and pain in them had lessened below
the danger point once more.
"It's not much of an identity. It's more like being an addition to
*your* identity than actually having one of my own. But... it's a
start. Right?"
Spike smiled softly at her and once again began rubbing soothing
circles on her back.
"Yeah pet. It's a start. A bloody good start, if you ask me. There's
absolutely *nothing* wrong with being *my* girl."
She offered him another shy smile and then rested her head back
against his chest. Spike continued to rub her back and he found
himself purring once again.
Cordelia watched as the dark haired woman who was her ex-boyfriend
worked at alphabetizing and then shelving Wesley's collection of
books in the large room of the hotel which Angel had decided to turn
into a library. She was a good helper, what with her experience in
helping Giles with research, both in and out of the high school
library. She could even recognize several esoteric languages on sight
even if she couldn't read a word of it.
What's more, she was eager to help in any way. Cordy personally
thought it was because she somehow knew that she needed some type of
soothing external distraction to keep from slipping back into her
own mind. So far, she had gone two whole days without fading away
into mental la-la land, but it was a fragile hold on reality at best.
The young woman had many pressing issues that she was trying to deal
with and without something to occupy her swirling thoughts, she would
regress.
One of those issues bothered Cordy greatly. The girl had no name.
About a week or so ago, she had decided that she didn't want to use
her old name anymore. Cordy could understand that. Boys name, bad
memories. Enough said. However, she hadn't picked a new one yet. It
was as if she were waiting for one to drop out of the sky and land in
her lap. When Cordy had confronted her about it, she had just
shrugged and said that when she knew who she was then she would
choose a name. Whatever *that* meant. So... for the sake of everyone
else's sanity they simply called her Pet. Short for Spike's pet. She
didn't seem to mind, even if Cordy thought the nick-name was *way*
medieval.
Shaking herself out of her increasingly cynical thoughts, Cordy
grabbed a stack of books from the open box in front of her and
carried them over to her friend.
"Here you go Pet. I swear, Wesley sure has a *lot* of these things.
And as soon as we're done with his, I'd lay money on Angel asking us
to shelf *his* book collection as well. And it's just as big, if not
*bigger*."
Pet offered up a shy smile and shrugged. Cordelia grinned back and
crossed her eyes at the quiet girl.
"I know, I know... you *like* doing this kind of stuff. Well, *I*
wouldn't mind it either if books weren't so, so... *dusty*."
Cordy brushed her hands together as if to illustrate her point.
Sharing another smile with her friend, she started to turn and walk
back for a second stack of books when Pet's soft halting voice
stopped her.
"Cordy? Um... I... I wanted to... talk to you about something.
Something... um, well... personal."
Cordy turned back and gave her an encouraging smile. She was used to
this by now. Xander, or rather, not Xander any more, was slowly
discovering little details about being female that she wasn't sure
how to handle. So, she brought her questions to Cordelia when they
were alone. If it was a major thing, then she would go to Spike
afterwards and warn him about what to expect. They had used this
pattern of information exchange to help Pet when she got her period,
when she was learning how to dress herself in woman's clothing,
especially those garments that she'd had no experience with, like
bras. They had had quite a few talks about how females act and react
in certain situations that just basically differ from men and they
talked fashion and exercise and even about some of Cordy's
relationships. From the look on her friends face though, this topic
was going to be another doozy. Cordelia braced herself.
"Okay, what is it?"
Pet blushed.
"Um... I... I like Spike."
Cordy blinked.
"Well, that's a good thing since he literally *owns* you. I
personally think he's a bit of a jerk, but even I've got to admit
that he treats *you* good. Better than good actually."
Pet shook her head slightly and her eyes grew slightly frightened.
"No. I mean, that I... I *like* him. You know... *that* way. The way
a girl *likes* a guy. You know? But... I mean, I've... I've *never*
liked *guys* before. Only *girls*."
Cordelia blinked again. She was... shocked. She had not been
expecting this, but now that she thought about it, she figured that
she should have. It was obvious to anyone with eyes that Spike had a
thing for his delicate mortal pet, but she had never shown *any*
indication of returning those feelings. Cordy had just assumed,
probably like everyone else, that Pet would still like women. That
she would be a lesbian. Cordelia sucked in a deep breath and spoke
her mind.
"Okay. A few questions first and then we'll figure out what to do.
One, do you still like girls? Two, do you find *all* men attractive
or three, is it *only* Spike?"
Pet got this far away look in her eyes and for a second Cordy began
to fear that the girl was slipping away from reality again, but then
she turned her big dark eyes back to reality again.
"Um... both I think. I mean, I like both guys *and* girls. But...
it's different with Spike. I don't know... stronger, I guess. I look
at him and get all tingly and warm and I feel as if I should have an
erection, but I don't, I just..."
The girl broke off and blushed deep red as a look of extreme
embarrassment washed over her face. As blunt spoken as ever, Cordy
finished her thought for her.
"You just get turned on and wet between the thighs?"
Pet averted her eyes by glancing down at the ancient book cradled in
her arms and nodded shyly.
"Have you had sex with him?"
Another deep blush, but this one accompanied by a negative head shake.
"But you want to?"
A *tiny* nod yes.
Cordelia squealed with delight and impulsively embraced her friend.
Her mind fluttered with excitement at the thought of playing match-
maker.
"Oooo... This is *soooo* exciting. Okay. This is what we'll do.
First, we need to come up with a *real* name for you. Spike will need
*something* to shout out in ecstasy, after all. Then, we'll..."
It had been a week since her talk with Cordelia about Spike. In that
time she'd only slipped into her own mind three times. Twice from
Angel mentioning Buffy's name in her hearing and once after she and
Spike had been attacked by a stupid kid that had tried to mug them
while they were out so that Spike could hunt. It wasn't the fact that
he'd killed the fool that so upset her. She had gone hunting with
Spike every single night since his chip had been removed by Anya. She
had grown used to the idea that he killed. What's more, he had
promised her from the very beginning that he'd never kill any of her
friends. They both knew that her mind would not survive it. Not after
what Anya had done. No, Spike only hunted criminals, for her sake.
What had upset her was that the man had grabbed *her* and then had
ripped her away from her blonde protector. For a few horrifying
moments she had feared that he would kill her before Spike could
reach them. That hadn't happened of course. Spike had lunged at them,
yanked the man in close, tore his throat open with razor sharp
vampire teeth and then dropped the quickly cooling corpse at her feet
like a gruesome trophy of war. She could clearly remember saying "I'm
glad he's dead." and then things had gone... blank. She'd come back
to reality cleaned up, dressed in her night clothes and snuggled up
against Spike in their bed.
It was, ironically enough, that incident which had pushed her into
action. She was now ready to take Cordy's advice and get on with her
life. Her *new* life. She didn't want to end up dead in some alley as
a Jane Doe. She wanted to *be* somebody before death had the
opportunity to steal her second chance away.
She had thought long and hard about who she was and what she wanted
out of life. And in doing so, she had discovered a few things about
herself.
For one thing, she *still* wanted to help fight evil. That sounded
odd considering that she had been literally *given* to a vampire by a
vengeance demon for safe keeping, but it was true. She still had the
wiggins whenever she was too close to Angel, but she got on great
with Cordy, and Wesley wasn't too bad to be around either. She could
already help with research and she wanted to learn how to fight with
this new body as well.
Another thing she had figured out was that she could *be* a female in
L.A. Nobody here *expected* her to be anything else. Except for her
odd little family at Angel Investigations, no one had any clue that
she had at one time been a man. That made her feel better. She didn't
feel as if she were some sort of demon cursed freak at all times. The
only stares she got from people were appreciative ones, not stares of
shock or horror like back in Sunnydale.
And most importantly, she realized that she *enjoyed* being such a
huge part of Spike's life. The main part of her self-identity was
wrapped up in him. He had been there from the start and it was he who
had sheltered her and held her through the worst of her...
disassociation. He understood and oddly enough, he cared. She
belonged to him... and she wanted the world to know it. What's more,
she wanted *Spike* to know it too.
Hence, the situation she now found herself in.
Cordelia had dressed her. Granted, the fashion queen could make
*anyone* look good if she was given full reign of the make-over
process, but she had out done herself tonight. A soft crushed velvet
top in midnight blue that left her pale neck exposed to Spike's eyes
and a long ankle length skirt in multiple shades of blues and
silvers. Open-toed sandals on her feet. Dark hair pulled up in a
twist only to spill down the left side of her head and neck. She
felt... pretty.
Nervously twisting her hands, she took one last breath to steady her
nerves and then she walked over to where Spike was sitting on a low
backed couch flipping through a magazine. He looked up at her as she
drew near and his face crinkled up in the smile that was reserved
just for her.
"Hello Pet. You look particularly lovely this evening."
He reached up with one hand and guided her around until she could sit
on the cushion next to him. He rubbed at the back of her wrist with
his thumb out of long standing habit.
"Um... Spike? I... I wanted to talk to you. About something, ah,
important."
Spike grinned and pulled her over and up onto his lap. She leaned her
head down on his shoulder and cuddled against him. It was one of her
favorite places to be. She always felt loved and safe in his arms.
"I... I've thought of a name for myself and I wanted to know what you
thought of it."
Spike leaned back and shifted his hold on her so that he could
clearly see her face. He held his features carefully neutral, but he
couldn't hide the excitement shinning in his bright blue eyes. Not
from her.
"Well Pet, I'm all ears. Let's hear it."
She felt herself begin to blush lightly and firmly pushed down her
nervousness. She honestly didn't care what anyone else thought of
what she wanted as her new name, but this was Spike. His opinion
meant the world to her and she honestly thought she would die if he
didn't approve. She found that she had to clear her throat just to
speak.
"Well... my old name, Xander, it was a short form of my *real* name.
Alexander. I started asking my friends to call me that because my
parents called me by the full name and... well, it had bad memories
associated with it. And since the *Xander* part of Alexander is
officially dead then I figured I should chose another short form. One
that was... well, feminine."
Spike nodded his head.
"That makes perfect sense luv. How do you plan to feminize it?"
She wriggled a little bit on his lap so that she could see his face
easier.
"Um... I was thinking of using Alexa. You know, go with the first
half of it instead of the last half. It *is* a form of my birth name,
and it *does* sound like a girls name and... well... I think it's
pretty."
She could feel herself blush again. Spike smiled gently at her.
"It's smashing Pet. Absolutely lovely. Just like you. But what about
a last name? I've noticed that you mortals usually have more than one
name. Not like us demons as can go around with only one. You still
plan to use Harris?"
Alexa felt her nerves begin to act up again. This was the hard part.
She had known that Spike wouldn't have had any complaints about her
choice of a first name. It made sense and was easy to remember.
Besides, she thought she *looked* like an Alexa. However, he *might*
not like what she wanted to use as her last name. If he didn't like
it, she wouldn't use it.
"Um... no. I... I *don't* want to use Harris. The Harris's are dead.
I don't want any ties to them. Especially to my father. I... I know
that sounds pretty harsh, but... I don't want to carry that symbol of
his ownership anymore. I don't belong to him... I belong to... *you*."
She wriggled on his lap again. This time from pure nerves.
"I don't want the world to associate me with *him*. I want the world
to know I'm *yours*. That's why... that's why I want to call myself
Willspet."
Spike blinked in confusion.
"Willspet? I don't get it."
Alexa grinned shyly and looked down in her lap.
"Willspet. Um... if you break it up, it's two words. Will's and Pet.
That's what I am, you know. Your pet. Everyone's been calling me that
for weeks now. Pet. So... I want it to be official. I'm Alexa, Will's
pet."
When she glanced up at Spike to see his reaction to her announcement
she saw that he had a stunned expression plastered on his face. Total
shock. When he caught her eyes however, that shock morphed into a
look of pure pleasure and happiness. He wore a wide toothy smile and
his blue eyes sparkled with hints of gold.
"Hello Alexa Willspet. It's lovely to meet you."
Alexa smiled. Relief coursed through her in a huge wave as she
realized that Spike wasn't upset by her desire to use his name as her
own. In fact, he seemed to be happy about it. She wasn't sure *what*
she would have done if he had told her "no, pick another one" and now
she could feel the tension just drain out of her. She felt almost
giddy.
She was about to suggest that they celebrate when Spike did something
that she didn't expect, but none the less had been dreaming about for
days now.
Reaching out with one hand, he brushed cool fingertips along her
skin, gently tilting her face towards his. Moving slowly so as not to
startle her, he leaned forward and lightly brushed his soft lips
against hers. She gasped lightly at the mild tingle that surged
through her at the contact. Tenderly, he deepened the kiss a tiny
bit, running the tip of his tongue along her lips, leaving a light
trail of moisture behind. Then, he softly suckled on her bottom lip
with his own.
She tingled all over her body and warm arousal rushed along her skin.
A soft throaty moan whispered in her ears and she realized that it
was her own. She leaned into his touch slightly and found herself
caught between the desire to let her new found passion finally awaken
and the need to run and hide.
Just as suddenly as he'd initiated it, Spike broke the kiss and ran
his hands through the spill of dark curls along her neck. His eyes
reflected a bit more gold in them now, but he was still smiling
gently at her.
"Come on Alexa Willspet. Let's go celebrate you finally having a
name."
END
