When we last left our Intrepid Duo; Xander awoke on his couch, had a mini-breakdown on the bleached one's lap and then discovered that Willow had been secretly giving Spike tips on the "care and feeding of pregnant boyfriends". At that point he began plotting his revenge over his missing frozen dinners and thrown away twinkies. Let us take a brief moment to picture The Blonde and The Brunette, heads together and conspiring over "Willow Teasing" techniques. Ahhhh! That's better! Now... on with the show...

It was getting late. And dark. Late and dark...two things that equaled danger in good old Sunnydale.

And Willow and Tara weren't here yet.

Granted, he *knew* that the two witches were aware of any and all dangers out there. Hell, they were some of the most qualified people in town to deal with confrontations with any of the demons roaming around town. They had both, Willow especially, gained a reputation in the demonic community as the most powerful spell casters *and* as demon hunters.

Xander, his nerves stretched taunt, stood up and began to pace in front of the picture window of his apartment's living room and worried about his friends.

It was their reputation that was part of the problem. Most of the lesser demons would be too frightened to go up against the two witches knowing that it would lose a battle of magic to the redhead and the blonde...not to mention that *if* the demon survived, the two women would call down the wrath of the Slayer on it's head.

But that threat wouldn't stop a more powerful demon. Instead, it would be something that the demon could use as a claim to fame. An accomplishment to build it's *own* reputation upon. After all, what demon *wouldn't* want to be known as the one who brought down the Guardian Witches of the Hellmouth as they were called in demonic circles.

Then there were the gangs of vampire minions to consider. Most were too stupid to care *who* they attacked. They saw humans as food and unless the minion had been someone really intelligent...or had gained enough power and experience to be considered a Master...they wouldn't even recognize the magical aura that surrounded the two women. Willow was pretty handy with a stake, but Tara was severely lacking in those skills.

So...Xander paced and worried and stole sidelong glances from the clock on the wall. Then paced some more.

"Bloody hell Xan. You've about walked a hole through that god awful carpeting, not to mention makin' me all dizzy. Sit your sexy arse *down* all ready."

Xander stopped his pacing and glared over at his "better half". His look of annoyed disdain was marred by the fact that he couldn't hide the worry in his eyes. Nor could he banish it from his head. Finally, with an exasperated sigh, he threw up his arms and stomped back over to the big window to stare out into the cool evening sky.

"It's dark Spike. Willow and Tara should have been back from the grocery store *long* before now. They could be...well, something could have happened. You know?"

Xander heard a soft sigh behind him and then the couch springs squeaked as Spike shifted. He could hear the soft footfalls as his lover's Doc Martin's shuffled across the "god awful" carpet. He continued to gaze out the gleaming glass, noticing that he could see a faint transparent reflection of only him...it appeared as he were all alone in his apartment. But then two strong arms wrapped around his waist and a chin pressed down on his right shoulder, a comforting cool weight.

"Xan...the witches are big girls, perfectly capable of taking care of themselves...and any random demon stupid enough to mess with them. You *know* this. What's really wrong, you've never been this upset over any of your mates wandering out and about after dark before."

With a soft sigh, Xander leaned back against Spike's chest, just enjoying the solid feel of the vampire's understated strength and power. It was almost calming. He still felt overly worried...but his fears seemed to lack that frantic icy edge when Spike held him close.

"Nothing's *wrong* beyond the normal "My life is a low-budget horror flick" type things...I'm just...concerned about them. Yeah, yeah...I know, I know. They'll be fine. Still, I...I guess I'm just...stressed or something."

Xander heard the low snort of exasperation Spike made, and even though his husband had no reflection, he was certain that the blonde had rolled his eyes.

"Look luv. If any nasty demon harms even a single hair on either of the witch's heads, I'll personally eviscerate them with my bare hands and present you with their steaming entrails on a silver platter. Okay?"

Xander felt his gag reflex kick in at the not so lovely visuals his mind supplied him with, however, after a year of dating Anya he had learned how to control his facial expression when his lover's sweet nothings involved removing internal body parts of random enemies.

"Um... Ewwww? Yet...oddly comforting."

Twenty minutes later, the two witches were at the door, laden down with brown paper bags filled with groceries. And Xander was at the razor's edge of sanity with worry over them.

When Spike opened the door and Willow walked in, imperiously ordering the blonde demon to go down to the car and gather the remaining two bags, Xander nearly *swooned* from the vast sense of relief that slammed into him. His shaky legs had finally given out and he collapsed onto the couch as he watched Willow and Tara head into the kitchen.

They were alive. Alive and healthy. They hadn't been eaten or torn to shreds or kidnapped by crazed baddies that wanted to drain the magic out of them. All of these things being a distinct possibility on the Hellmouth...but none of it had happened. They were safe. Fine.

And in his kitchen.

His eyes began to water with happiness and gratitude with whichever nameless faceless god had been watching over them. His hands began to tremble, so he quickly tucked them under his legs.

Then Spike walked back in, kicked the door shut with one booted foot and stomped off into the kitchen with the last of the grocery bags, yelling for Willow.

"Bloody Hell woman! What in the name of the Great Irish Poof's Hair-Gel did you *buy*? The entire bleedin' greengrocers stand is my guess. Silly bints. Give 'em a bit of dosh and they come home with half the veggies on the damned Hellmouth! Hey Red! Don't suppose you remembered to pick up some fresh blood for the gorgeous and sexy vampire while you were out, did you?"

Willow's reply was muffled, overwhelmed by the sounds of cabinet drawers opening and closing, paper bags crinkling and feet shuffling along the floor.

The soft domestic sounds soothed Xander's taunt nerves for a moment or two until another thought snuck it's way into his brain. His lover, his best friend and his best friend's lover were currently in his kitchen...putting away *health food* for him to eat. Dizzy relief gave way to indignant anger.

How *dare* they storm into *his* house and demand that he eat...whatever it was healthy food actually consisted of. Xander wasn't too sure on what health-food entailed since his mother never really cooked anything in her life that wasn't prepackaged...but he had a vague idea that it involved trail-mix and salads. And while he *liked* both...he didn't want to live on nothing *but* trail-mix and salads.

He craved cheeseburgers and pizza and extra-spicy hot wings and... and... *chocolate*! He was a growing boy *damnit* and growing boys *needed* greasy, salty, high-sugar content food! Didn't they *know* that?

Well, *this* growing boy wasn't gonna put up with it, no sir-EE. He was gonna stomp over there into *his* kitchen and...and... *What?*

What was he gonna do?

With a wave of absolute despair, Xander flopped back against his couch and felt his eyes water up again. With all the self-punishing diligence of a manic-depressive, he forced his mind to catalog all of the twists and turns it had taken over the past several hours...along with the cold logic that stated exactly *how* unnecessary it had all been.

His emotions had flip-flopped from fear to shock, from shock to sorrow, from sorrow to confusion, from confusion to peckish anger, from peckish anger to worry, from worry to relief and from relief...all the way down to indignant rage. And there was *no* logical reason for *any* of it. Another thought hit him and shoved him into a bout of icy fear.

Was he going crazy?

Did Anya's curse finally send him over the deep end...or was it just a natural reaction to being mated to Spike? After all...Drusilla had spent a little over a century with the blonde demon and *she* wasn't wrapped too tightly in the head. Was *that* it? Could that be the reason he'd suddenly found his emotions to be flying all over the map? Was he losing what little was left of his mind?

With a silent shudder, Xander slumped down as far into the couch as he could and silently began to cry.

He wasn't sure how long he sat there, immersed in his own dark thoughts and dire predictions for his doomed sanity when he felt a gentle touch on his shoulder. He looked up into the compassionate and too-wise eyes of Tara.

"Are...are you okay? Um...I mean, it's obvious your...um, *not*, but I mean...do you want me to go get Willow...or Spike?"

Xander, still a bit miffed at the evil blonde vampire and his redheaded witchy coconspirator against all things yummy, latched onto this opportunity to spaz out on the sympathetic shoulder of the only innocent person in this whole "feed Xander healthy cardboard flavored food" debacle.

"No!"

From the startled expression that broke out on Tara's soft features, Xander was sure that his reaction was probably less that sane...but then again, so was he. Right? Still, no need to scare the poor girl. He offered her up a watery and wobbly smile, reached out and gently took her hand. Pulling her down to sit next to him on the couch, he turned and gazed directly into her eyes.

"No...it's just that... Um, could I tell you something? It's...gonna sound strange, but...it's *true* and I...I..."

Xander trailed off, not really sure if he should just blurt it out, or lead up to his conclusion. Tara just smiled and nodded, silently encouraging him to open up and talk to her. Xander felt another wave of gratitude sweep over him. Gratitude for Tara. He still tended to think of Willow as *his*...his best friend, his little sister...his Willow. And after Oz had left, Xander had worried that Willow wouldn't find someone who would understand Willow's need to fight the good fight. But Tara not only understood, she actively supported and helped Willow...and Willow's friends. No matter *how* odd things got, she stood there with them...a friend in her own right. And somehow, it was that realization, that Tara was *his* friend as well as Willow's girlfriend, that allowed him to open up and spill everything out.

"Tara...I...I think I'm...I think I'm going crazy. Insane. You know? Bonkers?"

Xander watched as Tara's big big eyes slowly blinked in confusion. Her hand squeezed his slightly and she shifted closer.

"Um...what...what do you...mean. Exactly."

Xander paused a moment, caught between a strong sense of relief to be able to get this fear off of his chest and an equally strong sense of embarrassment at having to admit it out loud.

"Well... it's like I'm not myself anymore...I'm just this bundle of emotions that don't make any sense. One minute I'm all freaked out and afraid of the littlest things, then I'm all angry and mad. After that I'm all happy and just want to cuddle everyone I see. It's...like I have no say over what's going on inside my head and I think...I mean, that's not, you know, normal. For me. So..."

Xander trailed off breathlessly. Tara's smile grew a tiny bit and she patted his hand even as she seemed to be thinking furiously about what he just said.

"Uh...when...when did this...um, thing with your...emotions...start acting all wiggy?"

Xander was glad that she didn't just dismiss his concerns, not that he thought she would, but still...it helped make him feel better.

"Yesterday. Although...it's been a lot worse today."

Xander couldn't look at her anymore, so he glanced around his apartment, a look of infinite sadness on his face.

"So...I'm crazy, right? Total Xander-brain meltdown. Drusilla-ville, here I come, right?"

Tara squeezed his hand again gently and he turned back to look at her. Her face was understanding and sympathetic, but there was no pity there at all. Xander had expected pity...and was thrilled not to find any.

"No. I...I don't think you're...um, crazy. Emotional, yes. Stressed, again yes. But...I think that...you know, maybe there is a...logical explanation for you being all...weepy and...and upset."

Xander felt a sliver of hope sizzle through him at her words. He didn't *want* to be crazy. It was bad enough that he was...preg...preg...pregnant and married to Fangless Wonder. No...being crazy was just adding insult to injury.

"If...if I'm not going mad, then...why am I so...nuts-o?"

Tara's eyes got wide and Xander could tell she was thinking frantically, searching for an answer that made sense and was easy to except. Then, as if someone had lit a lightbulb behind her eyes, she straightened up and bounced once in excitement.

"Oh! I know! It's *hormones*!"

Xander blinked in confusion.

"Hormones? But...but I'm so *past* puberty."

Tara giggled softly and shook her head.

"No silly. Not *those* hormones. *Pregnancy* hormones. You know, from your body ad...adjusting to being pregnant. And...what with the chance that the baby is only half human, it...it could mean you also have demon hormones flooding your body too. It's...it's probably the first sym...symptom of, you know...uh, morning sickness."

Xander felt his face go pale. While it was nice to know that his insanity was only temporary, it *wasn't* a lovely thought to think that he not only had *female* hormones running through his bloodstream, but also *demon* female hormones as well. And...*morning sickness*?!?!

"M...m...morning sickness? I...I...wh...what?"

Tara patted his hand again and Xander instinctually slid over closer to her in an effort to be comforted. She seemed to understand without him saying anything, since she also moved closer and then wrapped her arm around his shoulders.

"Uh...yeah. Um, morning sickness. It's something that happens right at the beginning of a pregnancy and only lasts until your body gets used to the...uh, baby. Then...then everything, sorta goes back to...well, almost normal. So...it's okay. You're not, you know, crazy or anything like that."

Just as Xander was ready to lay his head down on her shoulder and have himself a good cry, Spike and Willow came out of the kitchen while engaging in a serious discussion about cookbooks and homemade soup. The two got halfway across the room when Spike noticed Xander looking all depressed and weepy.

"Bloody hell witch, what's wrong with my Xander! Did you hurt him or anything nasty like that?"

Tara hopped up off of the couch and away from Xander as if she'd been burned even as they both shouted out "No!" in unison. Spike didn't waste any time in sliding onto the couch where she had just been. Xander slipped over and onto his lap. Partly because he was trying to impede Spike if he went after Tara, and partly because he really did need to be comforted. Without a pause, the blonde vampire wrapped his arms around Xander and gently pulled him in close.

"Then what's he all upset for?"

Xander didn't answer, he just buried his face in the crook of Spike's neck and shoulder. It was quickly becoming his favorite place to rest his head. However, he didn't have to answer the bleached blonde, Tara did instead.

"Um...Xander's suffering from a...hormonal overload, I think. He...he just needs to sleep for a bit. He should feel better in the morning."

Spike's body tensed up a bit.

"Oh."

Then, with a startling and casual display of his inhuman strength, he stood up with Xander in his arms without any hesitation or problem. He called out to the witches over his shoulder even as he began to slowly walk to the bedroom.

"Right. No problem. I'll just go put him to bed, so...you two can shove off now. Get out."

Xander wasn't surprised at Spike's rudeness, but then again, the two girls probably weren't either. However, he didn't contradict the vampire, instead, he raised his head up off of Spike's shoulder to peer at them over his husband's back and waved "bye-bye" at them. They just grinned and waved back in return.

END