Supermarket by Scorpio Part One Part Two Part One Spike scowled deeply and fidgeted a bit in his chair at the kitchen table

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Supermarket
by Scorpio
Part One Part Two

Part One

Spike scowled deeply and fidgeted a bit in his chair at the kitchen
table. Unlife could be bloody unfair at times, and right now was one
of those times. If it weren't for the thrice damned chip stuck inside
his bloomin' skull, he'd go vent his frustration along with some
mortal's innards. Spike glared at the sheet of paper in his hand once
more as if hoping that burning death rays would shoot out of his eyes
and turn the offensive thing into a small pile of ash. At least
*then* he'd have an excuse. 'Sorry pet, but the silly thing burst
into flames right in me hands. Weren't nothin' *I* could do to
prevent it. Let's shag. That'll cheer you right up, luv.'

The blonde vampire grinned momentarily at the lovely daydreams of his
nummy Xander-pillow sprawled out in a sweaty heap across their bed
and begging him to just *please* do it harder and faster and make him
*scream*. Then he remembered what he was *supposed* to be doing
instead of bumping uglies with his luscious Xander-toy.

This whole mess was the landlord's fault. The smelly cigar smoking
man had just made Spike's 'the-chip-is-gone-and-now-you-are-dead'
list of victims-to-be. After all... he couldn't *really* blame his
pet's Uncle Rory. The man was just trying to help and he *was* a
corrupting influence in his own limited mortal way, so... Spike could
find it in his unbeating heart to forgive him. This time.

Once their landlord had found out about Xander's... *ahem*...
retirement from the Circle K, he'd hounded the boy about paying the
rent and the utilities. He'd managed to make a right bloody nuisance
of himself and had annoyed Spike severely. Never a healthy thing to
do, that. Xander's favorite uncle, that Rory bloke, had risen to the
challenge and had simultaneously answered the question of *how* a
legally unemployed man could always afford such pretty and expensive
motors. Rory had found Spike's Xander-pillow a new job... at the
local chop-shop.

Now, never let it be said that William the Bloody had *anything*
against Grand Theft Auto, after all, that's how he got his beloved
DeSoto, but still... this new job had *long* and *unusual* hours.
Xander had quickly become a favorite of the boys who ran the place
for a multitude of reasons. He was blood-family to some of the more
notorious thieves and drug dealers in Sunnydale for one. He wasn't
afraid to work at night for another. And he had a vicious mean-streak
in him that Spike spent *lots* of time and effort to cultivate.
What's more, the boy had actually found a skill he was *good* at.

Stock shelves? Not Spike's lover.

Work a cash register? Not William the Bloody's pet mortal.

Hot wire cars and then strip them down for parts?

Just point the lucky motor out to the boy and you'd never see it
again.

Spike had gone out on a run or two with his Xander-pillow just for
thrills and kicks and he had found himself delightfully impressed
with the ease with which his dark haired sex-toy had jimmied the lock
and hot-wired the older vehicle. As a professional pick-pocket and
thief from since *before* he'd been turned, Spike knew raw talent
when he saw it. But he'd held his tongue until later that same
evening when Xander had been sent to retrieve a newer model. The
blonde vampire has stood in mild shock and absolute happiness as he
watched his lover quickly and almost noiselessly disable the
electronic car alarm before stealing the luxury sedan. The boy had
been a joy to watch and Spike had found himself feeling a deep sense
of pride.

However, Xander's new bosses apparently thought that Spike's Xander-
pet needed to learn more and more about the business, and so a quick
part time job to make the rent was turning into a full time career.
Which was fine, except that it meant a lot less time that Xander
devoted to Spike and their relationship. And it had finally boiled
down to a choice of what to do with Xander's free time. Spend it
pleasing Spike, which was *Spike's* first choice, or spend it doing
menial chores that mortal living people *had* to do to *stay* mortal
living people. Spike felt his pleasure was the only *real* choice,
and his nummy-treat agreed.

*That's* when the boy had asked him, William the Bloody, the *Big-
Bad* himself, the help with the stupid menial and horribly *boring*
*chores*!

And like a stupid git, he'd grinned and nodded his head in agreement.
He should have had the bloomin' smarts to *ask* what the hell Xander
had wanted him to do *first*. Spike had figured it would be something
easy and semi-fun. Something like 'Oh please my big strong handsome
vamp-lover. Could you *please* (falls to knees and nuzzles Spike's
crotch) *please* sharpen every knife dagger and sharp metal object in
the apartment? You do it *so* well you gorgeous hunk of undead flesh
you' was what Spike had *thought* Xander would ask him to do...

What he *got* was a 'Thanks man, you're killer. Here (gets piece of
paper shoved into hand) is the list of stuff I need you to get at the
Supermarket. I'll be home... um, late'. And then with a flash of a
grin underneath slightly apologetic dark eyes, his Xander-pillow had
dashed out of the apartment and into the early dusk.

Spike glared back down at the offensive shopping list once again and
wondered if this was some form of karmic retribution for the time
he'd gotten bored and drew all over his snuggle-Xander in permanent
Magic-Marker while the boy was fast asleep after a hard night's work
of ripping off innocent citizen's cars.

With a snarl and an exaggerated rolling of his bright blue eyes,
Spike grabbed up the shopping list written out in Xander's wobbly
handwriting and grabbed his duster. He had to go be rude and nasty to
a bunch of unsuspecting people at the local Food-Barn.

****

With an angry squeal of abused brakes, Spike pulled his DeSoto into
the overcrowded parking lot at the Food-Barn Supermarket, narrowly
missing a blue-haired old woman and the bent man shuffling along at
her side. The both let out horrified shrieks and scurried away at an
agonizingly slow pace as he climbed out of his car, indignant anger
*rolling* off of him in waves. He allowed his eyes to go yellow and
he hissed at them. They both went pale and he was assaulted by a
strong acrid smell that made him absurdly grateful that Depends (TM)
undergarments really *did* work as advertised.

Feeling somewhat mollified at having startled the two mortals that
badly, Spike clutched at his crumpled list and stomped off in the
direction of the giant glass automatic doors. Getting closer, Spike
glanced up and snorted in disgust. The stupid doors had a lovely sign
on it that proclaimed "Open. Come on in and shop." so he could walk
in without a verbal invite, however, they *also* worked on one of
those bloody sensors. Sensors, mind you, that didn't detect the
presence of the undead anymore than mirrors did. So... the idiot
proof doors wouldn't even open for him. He had to stand there like a
flamin' pounce and *wait* for some silly bint to walk through them
and then dash in behind her.

Grumbling about the unfairness of the universe and God's warped sense
of bloody humor, Spike leaned up against the brick wall to wait.

And wait.

And wait.

Finally, in a burst of impatience and a growing sense of bloodthirsty
annoyance, he reached into his duster's pocket and pulled out his
cigarettes. He pulled a fag out of the pack and shoved it into his
mouth. He flipped open his lighter and lit the smoke. Spike took in
one deep drag and closed his eyes briefly in relief.

That's when he caught the faint scent of vanilla wafting past him and
his blue eyes snapped open. He watched silently as a young woman
stepped up to the doors and they slid open for her. Mindlessly
reveling in the sensation of nicotine flooding his undead lungs, he
almost forgot *why* he was standing around like a bloody idiot. With
a startled cry, he tossed down his just lit smoke and dashed in after
her. As fast as he was, he wasn't quite fast enough. Not sensing
anything there, the doors had begun to swing closed. They missed
hitting Spike, but they *did* catch the back of his long leather
jacket, pinching it's tails in between the rubber-coated edges.

Turning with an exasperated groan, he yanked the duster free only to
turn back and see the young woman staring at him in amused disbelief.
Spike silently thanked Hell that it was physically impossible for him
to blush.

"It bloody attacked me, didn't it? I should sue someone for that, I
should."

Spike watched as the woman shook her head and walked away muffling
aborted chuckles. He scowled. He *hated* to be laughed at... well,
unless he was *trying* to be funny. And then, it was usually only his
Xander-toy who appreciated his dark and morbid sense of humor. The
bloody Slayer was wound just a bit too tightly to find any mirth in
*his* stories.

Dismissing the bint, Spike walked through the atrium and over to his
first decision of this stupid chore. Should he get a cart, a little
basket or just carry everything in his arms to the check-out
register? Reaching back into his pocket, he pulled out the list that
his lover had given to him and read over it.

Soda.
Coffee & Filters.
Yummies & Goodies.
Pasta & Stuff.

Spike blinked in confusion, then dismissed it for now. He'd figure
out what the hell 'stuff' meant later.

Lubricant.

Spike smirked and waggled his eyebrows.

Toilet Paper.
Bug Spray.
Mac-Cheese.
Shampoo & Soap.
Bread.
Peanut-Butter.
Spike's Smokes.

Spike nodded in agreement. Bloody right he needed smokes. Not like he
was welcome at the bloody Circle K anymore.

Fabric Softener.

Spike grinned at the thought of his attempt at doing the wash, but he
knew better than to remind Xander about that day. Even weeks later it
was enough to send his love-pillow into a tizzy and a right bloody
pouting session.

Well, the list was long enough that he knew he couldn't carry it all
in his arms, so he opted for the full blown cart. He didn't know if
he needed *that* much space to carry everything, but he wanted to
bang into the other shopper's stuff and a little basket wouldn't be
able to do that, so...

Part Two

With a wicked grin spreading across his handsome face, Spike grabbed
one of the carts and yanked. With a great cacophony of protesting
metal, the entire line of buggered shopping carts jolted towards him.
His grin melted and was replaced by a confused frown. He yanked
again. The carts all jerked towards him again. He growled low in his
throat and glared at the infernal things. Just to see if it would
work, Spike jiggled the end cart lightly and then gave it a gentle
tug. It didn't separate from it's mates. In fact, it stayed
stubbornly stuck rammed up inside the cart in front of it.

Not having a great deal of patience on even the best of days, the
blonde vampire was moments away from just ripping all of the bloody
things to bits of shiny scrape metal when an older woman with grey
streaks in her once dark hair chuckled at his side. He turned to
glare at her, but she just pointed to a small little box-like thing
with a chain attacked to it on the handle.

"You have to put a quarter in it sweets. Won't let you take it unless
you pay. When you're done shopping, just chain it up back up and
it'll spit your money back out."

The woman shrugged and offered up a tired grin.

"Stupid, I know, but what can you do? The moneygrabber's that own the
store are paranoid that everyone is out to steal their precious
shopping carts. Like these things are at the top of every thief's
list of stuff to take. Right?"

Spike looked down at the older woman and grinned wickedly. She was a
nice lady with a healthy dose of practicality and he decided that he
liked her. Something about her reminded him of his Xander-toy. Making
a big show out of looking around to see if they were alone, he leaned
over and whispered in a conspiratorial voice.

"You're bloody right. It *is* a bit paranoid of them, innit?... and
it was a mean trick to play on an unsuspecting boy such as myself.
I'll show you what I plan to do about it though, ducks."

And with that, he reached out and easily broke the little box and
chain that imprisoned his chopping cart. With a wide grin and a
dramatic flourish, he pulled his cart free of the group.

"Want me to free you one of these enslaved little buggies then luv?"

She just blinked up at him briefly and then smirked. He returned her
smirk and reached for the next cart in line. With a quick twist of
his wrist, that one also sported a brand-new broken box.

"Right then. Here you go ducks. Happy shopping... or some such rot."

With a delightfully wicked chuckle, the woman patted him on the arm
and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"You're a good boy. You've got spunk and I like that in a body."

And with that, she made her way into the store with the shopping cart
that Spike had got for her quarter free. He grinned after her and
wondered what she'd say if her told her just how much of a 'good' boy
he *wasn't*, but he figured that he didn't need the headache that
would follow if she fainted and knocked herself in the head. Instead,
he grabbed his own cart and made his way into the main part of the
store only to find himself in the fresh produce section.

Nothing on the list would be found here, so he quickly made he way
past the bins of bananas and grapes and such. When he reached the end
of the isle, he glanced around to make sure no one was looking his
way. Then, he picked up an orange and threw it with accurate aim and
great force at the precariously balanced pile of apples. Laughing
softly under his non-existent breath, Spike walked off as dozens of
bright red shiny apples spilled across the tiled floor.

The first relevant isle he came across was on that held the paper
products. He found the coffee filters easily enough. He simply had to
look for the familiar box to know which type worked with Xander's
machine. It was blue and had a picture of a steaming cup of joe on
it, so it wasn't that hard.

Then, he walked further down the brightly lit row to the toilet
paper. Here, he stopped and frowned. As a member of the walking
undead society of Sunnyhell, he didn't *use* the bathroom for such...
trivial nastiness. That was a mortal thing and one he was more than
glad he didn't have to deal with. It was bad enough that when he
drank too much beer he had to go take a piss, but that other... Spike
shuddered at the very thought. It was just too gross... even for a
Master Vampire.

However, his lack of knowledge about the subject *did* bring up an
interesting point. Just how *much* of the quilted stuff did one
mortal need in a week?

He'd never done the shopping, nor did he ever really pay too much
attention when Xander came home with his bag of goodies. Spike's only
concerns were for his smokes, his beer and his butcher shop blood.
And the occasional piece of chocolate. Once he'd found those items in
the shopping bags, he generally left Xander alone to put his stuff
away in relative peace. So... he truly had no clue here.

Figuring that one bag of the stuff a day aught to do the trick, Spike
grabbed up seven bags of four rolls each. Thinking that if his nummy-
treat used more than that, he just *really* didn't want to know about
it, Spike stuffed the toilet paper into the cart and pushed it
onwards.

In the next row, Spike found the pasta. Arbitrarily deciding that
regular spaghetti was *way* too boring in comparison to some of the
other shapes available, he grabbed a box of some in a funky spiraled-
twisty shape. Then... having visions of decorating his Xander-pet
like a kindergarten Arts & Crafts project, he also grabbed up a box
of wheels, bow-ties and tube-like ones called pencil points. Silly
name, neat-o shape.

Then, with a smirk, Spike grabbed a bottle of extra-virgin olive oil.
Lubricant, right?

By that time, Spike figured that the mysterious 'stuff' that went
with the pasta was spaghetti sauce. He new that Xander favored Ragu
(TM) brand, but he didn't see any on the shelf. A little further down
there was tomato paste, so he grabbed that instead. Couldn't be
*that* different, right? After all, they were *both* made out of
tomatoes... However, the cans were *really* small and Spike had
*lots* of pasta, so he took every single can on the shelf. Thirteen
in all.

A quick trip through baked goods and Spike snagged a small container
of ready made chocolate frosting. His love-pillow *did* list
lubricant on the bloody list, after all. Chocolate cake frosting
*definitely* counted as lube, at least in *Spike's* book it did.

Turning into the next isle, Spike grabbed a loaf of WonderBread (TM)
and had visions of wearing french toast slathered in melty butter and
dripping maple syrup on his otherwise naked body while his Xander-toy
nibbled and nibbled. Feeling his cock twitch in his jeans, he made a
mental note to hunt down the syrup while he tried in vain to remember
what other ingredients went into making that delightfully sticky
breakfast.

And then he was in the drink isle. He grabbed up a two litter of his
lover's favorite soda and tossed it into his increasingly full cart.
This shopping crap was harder work than he thought and he wasn't even
done yet. Feeling thirsty, Spike pulled a single can of orange
flavored soda-pop out of a six-pack and popped the top. Then he
brought it up to his mouth and took a large swallow. And grimaced.
Yuck! With a visible shudder of disgust and a touch of awe that his
Xander-pillow could actually bring himself to drink that rot, Spike
put the can back right where he had found it.

Wanting to get away from the carbonated-nastiness, Spike quickly
pushed his cart into the next isle and found the cleaning supplies.
The people cleaning stuff was on one end of the row and the house
cleaning stuff was at the other.

Grinning a snarky grin, Spike figured *this* was his reward for
performing this inane task. *He* got to pick out the bloody shampoo
and he was gonna get the *good* stuff and not that cheap crap Xander
always brought home. Practically purring in delight, the bleached
blonde vampire allowed his bright shinning eyes to roam over the
shelves just crammed full of hair-care products.

He read labels carefully. He even went so far as to open a few
bottles and sniff at the contents. He carefully weighed his many
options and choices.

He eventually decided on four different types of shampoo, two
separate conditioners, a deep-heat conditioner and repair oil, four
different gels, a mousse and a light mist hair-spray that promised to
add shine and gloss to his hair.

Moving right along the isle, he found the fabric softener and
frowned. He looked and looked, but he couldn't find *any* that didn't
have a fake chemically added *flower* scent. He was William the
Bloody! He didn't *want* to smell April fresh dammit! With a scowl,
he grabbed the least pink plastic bottle he could find and crammed it
into the cart.

At the very end of the isle he found bug-spray. He remembered his
lover complaining the last time they had patrolled about being eaten
alive by the nasty little bugs that flew through the air at night.
Spike had, of course, taken the boy's mind off of his troubles by
offering to be the one to eat him alive and they had dashed behind a
bush for a quicky. As fun as that little tumble in the weeds had
been, he guessed that his snuggle-toy was still irritated by things
of the creepy-crawly variety.

The only problem was, the bug-spray Spike found wasn't the 'spray on
your body' sort. It was the 'Oh shit we have cock-roaches' kind of
spray. With a shrug, Spike couldn't really see *too* much of a
difference. He grabbed up an economy sized can of the brand with the
cool skull and crossbones on it. Mosquitoes spray, cockroach
killer... what's the diff?

Going down the next isle, Spike found the peanut-butter. Debating
with himself for a quick moment between creamy and chunky, he had a
vision of using it as a lubricant during sex. Grinning widely, he
grabbed the creamy. He may be a demon, but that didn't mean he
relished the idea of picking sticky hunks of chopped peanuts out of
his ass.

In the next row, he found the macaroni and cheese. Grabbing a double
handful of the bright blue boxes, he dumped them in his, by now, full
cart.

It took him a moment or two of searching, but Spike soon found the
chips and candy isle. He stood at the one end and stared in dismay.
He didn't see a single item that his lover *didn't* like and the boy
hadn't specified which ones he wanted on the list. How in *Bloody
Hell* was Spike supposed to decide?

With a put upon sigh of exasperation, Spike slowly pushed the cart
down the isle. Dutifully, he put one of every single item in the
cart. Cookies, snack-cakes, chips, dips, pretzels, corn-twists,
crackers, and sugar laden chocolates. It *all* went in to the cart.

A lady with two young children who had been loudly begging for her to
buy them sweets all stopped what they were doing to watch him as he
slowly made his way down the isle with their jaws hanging down. When
he finally reached them, he turned and offered up a sly grin and a
wink.

"M' lover's got a bit of a sweet-tooth and I've been bad recently.
Can't hurt to go in armed with goodies if you're the type of bloke as
don't know how to say sorry, right?"

The woman just blinked and the kids looked up at him in worshipful
awe. Chuckling lightly, he walked off.

Wandering around the corner, Spike found himself in the dairy
section. There wasn't anything he *needed* as per the shopping list,
but he wanted to grab some pudding. After all, it made good lubricant
and everyone, even vampires, needed to indulge in a light bout of
vanilla sex every once in a while. Right?

Snagging a six-pack of pre made Jello (TM) vanilla pudding off of a
shelf, Spike slowly made his way back to the check-out counters.
Along the way, he passed a snooty looking bint wearing a flashy
outfit and a high-style hairdo. She was heading to the deli, so he
figured that she was here to pick up some sort of party tray. With an
inner grin and a oh so casual move, he managed to get his hands
inside of her open purse and her wallet out as she pranced on by.
Quickly, he opened the leather wallet and slid out a Goldcard that
had been near the back. Then, he closed it up and dropped it on the
ground for her to find later.

Smiling cheerfully, Spike swiftly made his way to the check-out area.

He didn't have to wait in line *too* long, but he managed to palm a
pixie-stick and two packs of gum. Once it was his turn to be rung up,
the young blonde bint behind the counter shamelessly tried to flirt
with him, but all he could think of was getting home and testing out
the extra-virgin olive oil with his Xander-toy. About halfway through
pricing his items, the teen girl shot him a look that spoke volumes
about her opinion on his sanity and he briefly wondered if he'd not
grabbed enough toilet paper some such rot. Well, if he didn't, that
was just too bad. Xander could come buy some more of the fluffy stuff
on his own.

Finally, the girl totaled his order up and only more than a century
of surviving shocks and demonic horrors kept him from shouting in
surprise at the final cost. Then, with a shrug of unconcern, he
handed over the stolen Goldcard

"Charge it luv."

With a nod, she ran the card through her machine and it spit out a
piece of paper. He took it and a blue pen and scrawled a wiggling
mess that didn't contain a single letter. The girl flashed him
another smile, wrote her phone number on the bottom next to a smiley
face and her name and then passed him the receipt. Smiling, Spike
pushed his cart full of paper bags out into the atrium.

This time, the automatic doors didn't give him any problems because
they sensed the full shopping cart, if not him. Taking great care to
grind and bang the cart into every car he passed so as to scratch
multiple paint jobs with one go of it, Spike finally reached the
DeSoto. Opening the doors, he carefully arranged his shopping bags in
the back seat amongst his and Xander's collection of weapons and
empty beer bottles. Then, he walked the, now empty, cart to the back
of his car and popped the trunk. It took a few moments and he had to
bend and twist the metal frame a bit, but he managed to shove the
thing inside. Slamming the trunk shut on the stolen shopping cart
he'd wanted as a memento of his first (and only) grocery shopping
expedition, Spike climbed in and started his beloved motor up.

It wasn't until he was halfway home that he realized that he had
forgotten to pick up coffee. The blonde vampire wondered for a second
if he should go back and get it, but then he decided that his Xander-
pillow didn't *really* need caffeine *that* much. Right?

END