Loser Makes Good
by Shadith
~~I hate waking up it means that I have to die again tonight 35 years
old and I'm still sleeping outside Yeah, I think I know your face I
don't wanna to know your name I won't give in, I'm not like that
I won't give in ~~
"You stupid cunt, you could at least try fucking cleaning around
here." He can hear the sound of a door being slammed. "You prick,
your drunk ass wouldn't notice if it was clean anyway."
Xander rolled over slowly, clutching the pillow to his head. The
screams coming from the floor above him, banishing even the
possibility of sleep. He thought about yelling, butdidn't relish
having to actually speak to either one of the drunken pair. Glancing
wearily over at the alarm, he shuddered. It was already twelve, and
he'd only gotten three hours of sleep.
Between closing the bar, helping Buffy out with the patrols, his
parents and Anya he was overbooked. He sighed, then prayed to whoever
looked out for losers like him.
//Just shut them up for the next three hours. Gods.... anyone...//
Soon, there was the familiar sound of flesh striking flesh. The sound
of glass shattering, rang through the house. Then silence. Xander
closed his eyes.
//Please let one of them have killed the other one. Or each other.//
His eye's flew open when the silence continued.
//If anyone actually answered that prayer... I'll be your servant for
life...//
Xander sat up slowly, the lack of noise making him nervous. He
started to climb out of bed, when a faint noise caught his attention.
He concentrated trying to decipher the muted noises. Xander's lips
curled in distaste. The sounds suddenly clear. The harsh panting, and
grunts of his parent's drunken fucking. One of the three ways their
fights always ended. The other two being more fighting and a trip
to the hospital or more fighting and a trip to jail.
"Ugggh. Harder." He shuddered hearing the slap of skin against
skin. "You like that don't you. My little whore."
Xander dropped back down, pulling the pillow over his head with a
disgusted groan. At least they'd pass out sometime soon.
*************
You say it's Christmas Eve that don't mean nothing to me
Just another fucked up day just another waste of time
You wonder why I live like this, man, you just won't understand
I won't give in I'm not like that
Yeah, I won't give in
Xander slowly wiped down the bar, as the frat boys ordered another
round. Finals and winter break. Made the college boys descend in
hordes. Which meant he had to be at the bar even longer. Closing time
extended til three, so no official overtime. And despite the
incident with the beer nothing changed. Well other than Jack, giving
him the really shitty hours and work.
He couldn't decide which was worse. The humiliation of being a loser
or having everyone know you were a loser. Probably a combination of
both. Having the college kids, talk down to him didn't help matters
either. Xander sighed softly, at least he still had Anya.
The ex-vengeance demon really didn't seem to mind sleeping over in
the basement.
In fact, she was often home waiting for him. He actually found her
demands for sex, and her tactlessness endearing. He shook his head
slowly. //Goes to show you'll accept anything if your in love.//
For an instant an vague memory tried to surface. Floating up from the
dark abyss hidden in his mind. Shivering he forced the half formed
thought away. Instead concentrating on his Christmas plans with Anya.
He'd made reservations at the motel just off the freeway. They had a
pretty decent holiday special.
Three hours later, and he was ready to snap. //If one more frat
boy...//
Xander stopped taking a deep breath. He could do this. There was
nothing they could say that would make him lose his temper. He waved
at Mark, beckoning him over. "I'm going to take my break now. See you
in an hour."
Maybe he could catch Anya at home, he'd missed her last night.
**********
Xander walked back into the bar. He wasn't sure how he'd gotten back
there. He wasn't even sure how he was still breathing. He moved in a
numb stupor. When Mark handed him the register keys, Xander blinked
stupidly.
"Hey, Harris. You alright? You look like someone just ran over your
dog," said the other bartender.
Xander shook himself roughly, before looking up. "Sorry, just got
lost there a minute. I'm good. You can head out."
Mark looked at him closely, then shrugged. He had plans with his
girlfriend, there was no way he was staying at work. Especially not
if the kid said he was fine.
Xander moved behind the bar, mechanically taking orders and pouring
drinks. For the next several hours his thoughts were his own. No one
cared about making conversation.
Just order and pour. Which was good, because he was certain if he'd
tried to think beyond those simple thoughts he'd explode.
["Fuck yessssss. More."]
He didn't notice the trickle of blood, as he bit through his lower
lip.
Ignoring the new crowd of frat brothers, Xander disappeared into the
back. Taking a deep breath, he glanced into the mirror. He stared
curiously at the vacant eyed image before him. Reaching up he wiped
away the trail of blood from his lip.
["Damn. What's a hot bitch like you doing with that boy."]
The tinkle of glass hitting the floor brought him back. He glanced at
the broken mirror dispassionately, before heading back out front.
The new crowd of college students was clustered around the bar. The
rowdy group almost three deep. Xander sighed, then began taking
orders again. He moved quickly, working his way through the large
crowd.
~~You smart ass college fuck
Act like you think you're tough~~
Caught up in his thoughts he missed the first comment. "Look I know
your a townie but you could at least try to understand our orders."
Xander looked up, a frown forming. "I'm sorry. What was that?"
"We know your sorry. That's already been established. Now listen
carefully. We ordered three pitchers of beer. One Red dog. Two
Forests."
~~I was just like you
More pride than you could know
Think you pity me~~
Xander bit back a reply. He simply refilled the pitchers, returning
them to the taller man.
He watched as the blonde and two others headed for a table in the
back. Hoping that would be the end. But already knowing it won't.
~~I'll kick your ass if you pity me
I won't give in I'm not like that
No, I won't give in to you
Just go Away~~
Xander watched the clock. He seriously watched it. Watched as the
seconds became minutes, the minutes quarters, the quarters half-
hours, then finally hours. When the clock struck 1:45 am he
congratulated himself on his restraint.
"OK fellows closing time. Time for all good little boys and girls to
go to bed."
"We're not ready to leave," said the blonde who'd insulted him
earlier.
"Look guys. Let's not do this last call was half an hour ago. You've
had plenty to drink. So why don't you just head home."
The blonde shook his head. "See I don't think so. I think our time
should be extended because of your earlier idiocy. What do you think
fellas?" The dark-haired one nodded, as the other blonde grinned.
["Ready, bitch?" "Not ready, harder."]
"You know what I'm not having this shit. Two choices. Walk out or be
carried out."
~~You college boy act like you think you're tough~~
The blonde grinned again, as he and the other two circled
Xander. "Let's see you try."
They never knew what hit them. One minute he was standing still,
eyeing the three of them. The next he'd sent the blonde flying across
the room, as the brunette lay curled on his side clutching his balls.
The steel toed work books having worked like a charm. The other
blonde sat clutching his bleeding wrist, from where Xander had cut
him with a broken bottle.
It was easy to escort them out. Xander stared at the mess. Thought
about the vague chance he'd still have the job tomorrow, then walked
to the bar. Snatching up three bottles of Jack Daniel's, he turned
and left.
********
Xander sat staring at the bottle of JD in his hand. //Alone on the
night before Christmas.//
He snorted softly. //Night before... wait... Christmas day... get it
right..//
His grin was hard, bitter.
When wasn't he alone? A small dark part of his mind whispered to him.
Coming from the place where he hid the things he never wanted to
think about... He remembered a name for it, he'd read it somewhere in
a Stephen King novel.
It took him a moment, but he remembered. //The 'dead zone'. Why won't
everything just stay there... Why does it have to crawl back out...//
Snarling he jerked open the bottle... //One time drunk does not me my
parents make...//
He paused going over the last thought.
//That didn't quite make sense. Either way one binge, isn't going to
make me into *them*.// He titled the bottle hissing, as the liquid
burned his throat.
He lowered the bottle slowly, then straightened. He could feel
someone out there. "If you're going to kill me, be quick about it or
let me finish my drink."
Spike stepped out of the shadows, watching as the boy snorted then
took another hissing swallow. " 'ell pet. You keep that up and you'll
do all the work for me."
Xander ignored the vampire, concentrating on the bottle in his hand.
He still had two more to go.
Spike sighed, settling on the bench next to the whelp. "Heard about
the 'ole getting split thing pet. Nice to see your back in one piece."
Xander glared at the vampire, grunting a reply.
Using the opportunity presented, Spike slid closer. "What was that,
luv?"
"Said relatively speaking." They sat in silence.
Spike eyed Xander as he fiddled with the bottle in his hands. He'd
only worked through a fourth of it in the two hours since the vampire
had discovered him.
Spike reached out snagging the bottle from Xander's dangling
hands. "Aaah pet. You don't really wanna climb in there do you?"
Xander stared at the vampire, then opened another bottle. He only
managed a sip before Spike snagged it as well.
Taking his third bottle Xander stood, backing away from his
undead AA partner.
This time he managed to get several good shots down. Still, he got
that one too. Before the Xander could protest, Spike tossed all three
bottles into the night.
Xander stared open mouthed at the insane vampire.
"FUCK!"
Pushing past Spike, he was unprepared when the vampire struck,
knocking them both off balance. Cursing Xander crawled away from the
wiggling vampire. "Spike why won't you leave me the *fuck* alone."
The vampire sat up to look at the boy crouched beside him. "Tell you
what, luv. You tell me why you turned down the apartment, and wot's
got you out 'ere acting like demon bait. And I'll tell you why I keep
bothering you."
"Probably cause you got nothing better to do," muttered Xander,
before getting up to sit on the bench again. Spike grinned, then shot
up to sit next to him. "Out wit it, mate."
["Ugggh. Harder." Harsh grunts filling the air. "Looks like I got a
new whore."]
"Anya," he spat.
"Anya, what?"
"Went home on break today. Caught Anya fucking my *father*," he said
quietly.
Suddenly he was to exhausted to even care. "Should have known... No
one really wants me..."
The vampire's eyes turned gold, as he tried to find a suitable reply.
Something besides ripping the demon bitch's heart out, for Xander to
burn. "Not true," he hissed, unable to completely block the rage.
"Tell me another one. I guess it's a good thing I didn't get the
apartment anyway. I mean who was I kidding. I'm right where I belong.
The very definition of suburban white trash. And this night just
get's more depressing." Xander stood, no longer looking at the
vampire. Missing the longing look that flickered briefly in the blue
gaze.
"So yer just going to roll over, and take it up the arse. You
don't 'ave to stay down, just cause they expect ya to. Plus payback's
a bitch. Nothin' better than rubbin' a prick's face in
yer shit."
~~I won't give in I'm not like that
No, I won't give in~~
Xander glanced over at the grinning vampire. "Maybe... it would feel
good to get my own place. Show them..."
"So wot's keeping ya, pet. Git yer own. Then tell the demon bitch and
yer da to take a flyin' fuck."
Xander couldn't help but grin at Spike's enthusiasm. The vampire had
always made him laugh. "So, tell me why I've got my own personal
pest."
Spike shrugged, looking slightly uncomfortable. "Thought since we
both seem to be on the outer fringes of the scoobies, we could be
allies... potential friends..." Xander wouldn't have laughed even if
the vampire hadn't looked so serious.
"Much too late for that Spikey." Xander shook his head sadly.
"Don't worry about me, I won't worry about you. I don't wanna be
friends. I'm OK. Just leave me alone," he said quietly, backing away
slowly. "Too much... I can't..."
"I'm sorry," he said, turning away. "Much too late..."
Spike watched the mortal boy he loved walk away. The same words,
causing the same amount of pain they had the first time he'd heard
them.
~~Don't worry about me, I won't worry about you. I don't wanna be
friends. I'm OK. Just leave me alone.~~
//Fucking right, pet. Like that 'elps.//
