"Sod off!"

"Come on...Don't be such a wuss!"

"No!"

"Oh my God! You're scared, aren't you?"

"Fuck *off*!"

"Yes...yes, you are! How delicious, just imagine, William the
Bloody...scared and with both knees knocking over a little bit
of pain"

"Fucking well SOD OFF Watcher!"

"Come on Grandpa?"

"I'm not your bloody Grandfather so stop calling me that"

"Well, I hate to argue with you but I'm sure Catherine would
disagree...OK then! Go away and stop wasting my time, I've got
other customers to attend to"

"What? Why? Where? I don't see anybody but you and me in this
place but if you want me to go, I'll just fight my way through
the hoards of people that are going to descend upon the place
the instant I get up"

"Wow...now I know where Jamieson gets his sour disposition from"

"Shut up Fruity"

"Fruity? Where does that one come in..No..no on second
thoughts, I don't want to know"

"Well, if you insist on recognising the fact that we are so
unfortunately related, I'll just have to do the same....fruit of
my loins"

"Piss off!"

"Ooohh...got little ol' Fruity arked up now have I? Careful,
the wind might change and you'll be stuck with that look on ya
mug forever"

"OK, I can deal with the name...after all, I'm not pussy whipped
unlike some people I know..."

"Well then, colour me impressed! Didn't even think you knew
what a pussy was....do you?"

"You do know that Willow will whip you literally if you go home
without this don't you?"

"Ah, ah, ah! Don't avoid the question Fruityboy, who is
obviously
a fag, and I'm a vampire, so don't bother bringing up *my*
living
arrangements either...now spill!"

"But Granddaddy....I'm sure talking to you about my sexual life
is akin to incest?"

"Don't call me that...and that's disgusting by the way, and if
Willow gives me a whipping then...I'm all for it! Nothing like
a bit of spice in the bedroom...After all, I can always get the
Whelp or the Poof to lick me afterwards"

"Oh God...why do I even bother trying to talk to you?"

"Because I'm the only relative you've got on the same continent
as you, that's why"

"Willow's going to hold sex from you..Willow's going to hold sex
from you..Willow's going to hold sex from you..."

"Shutupshutupshutup!"

"Are you going do it, or am I going to be the one who calls
Willow and tells her that one of her lovers isn't that devoted
after all?"

"You wouldn't?"

"Yes I would...are you going to take your shirt off?"

"Arsehole...there! It's off...now, just..Just do it already!"

"Stop being such a wuss...Xander had it done a few nights ago
and Angel was last night...You can keep putting it off all you
like but you know what Willow is like at the moment - She will
pout at you, whine, scream and moan...then she will withhold sex
from you. You'll end up getting dragged down here by both Angel
and Xander...just think of the reward Willow will surely give
you if you have this done voluntarily?"

"Christ! Just shut up already and do iiIIIITTTTT....BLOODY
HELLLLLLLllll!"

"There, there. All done now...go on, cry if you want to.
Everyone respects a man who is secure enough in themselves to
cry"

"SOD OFF!"

"Hey! Have this and make sure you use it!"

"Prick!"

"Your more than welcome...and please, do come again"

"Not bloody likely....I want you to be the brat's Godfather when
it finally makes an appearance"

"Really...oh my! I'm...wow..I mean yes..Yes!"

"Good"

Twirling his black duster with all the dramatics he could
currently muster, the bleached blond slammed open the shop door
and stepped out into the night, stammering ex-watcher shoved to
the back of his mind. Collar of the blood red shirt turned up
to protect the back of his neck from the chill of winter air,
Spike stalked away from Whyndham's Piercing and Tattoo
Emporium, one hand trying to soothe an abused right nipple.

TBC