Dealing with the Consequences
by TJ

With a sigh, Xander sat on the hard wooden bench. Face buried 
in his large hands, he took in the pure quietness of his 
surroundings. Nothing could be heard from the bustling life 
outside of his sancutary. None of the childrens laughter 
drifted inside to reach his ears nor did was he able to smell 
the heady scent of the just blossoming gardenia. 

A hand taken from his face, he rubbed his fingers through his 
thick hair. Sweeping his unruly hair back from his forehead a 
few times, the tall brunette rose from the uncomfortable perch. 
A few paces foward and he was standing infront of the numerous 
rows of unlit candles. Taking one, he held the slim white taper 
out to the larger continually lit candle. Candle placed back in 
its place along the second row, the male turned his back on the 
side altar, walking slowly down the worn red carpet of the 
church. 

He had never been to church before the incident with Spike in 
the crypt. Xander liked the quietness, something that he knew 
the others would find hard to believe. The brunette still 
wasn't sure why he had ended up sobbing in the confession box 
later on that day, one of the priests taking pity on him when he 
had proved to be inarticulate in explaining his presence. A 
round of coffee and biscuits and he had disappointed Father Ewan 
with his refusal to elaborate on his confession of having done 
something really wrong. 

He had promised Spike. Xander wasn't allowed to tell anybody. 
Not Willow, his best friend and childhood confidant, not a 
helpful priest and an anonymous phonecall to 1800-I confess was 
out of the question. He couldn't break a promise to someone he 
had raped and then murdered. The brunette might not have staked 
the vampire but he did drive the blond to his second death and 
as far as Xander was concerned, it was as if he had held Spike 
down in the sunlight himself. 

After a talk with Father Ewan, he had made a few trips back to 
St.Mary's before they had become nightly, each time lighting a 
taper for the blond. He had asked the priest why people lit the 
tiny candles. Xander hadn't really understood the explaination 
but oddly enough, he had lit one for Spike on his next visit. 
It was something that had turned into routine, the brunette 
lighting a candle and then sitting in the second row until it 
burnt out. 

Two months. 

In that time he had broken up with Anya, unable to penetrate her 
with out images of Spike flashing before his eyes. It hadn't 
really been his descion, the ex-demon had made it for him when 
he had once again lost his erection. Giles had barred him from 
his house after catching Xander ripping pages from his 
invaluable books on vampires. The ex-watcher had been beyond 
angry with Xander's explaination. All the brunette had done was 
try and rid the books of the myths Spike had told him about. 
Buffy no longer wanted him to patrol after he had made it very 
clear that he would'nt be staking any vampires again. Willow 
had cottoned on to the fact he was keeping a secret very early, 
she too eventually wanting nothing to do with him when he 
refused to explain his actions to the rest of the group. He had 
eventually stopped taking her calls after she continued to 
demand what was wrong with him, the red head getting angry with 
him over his self isolation. 

If he explained his actions, then Spikes secret would be out. 
The thing was, it wasn't just the vampires secret, it was his as 
well. It was no-one elses business but their own. No-one would 
understand, he wasn't sure that he did either. 

With nowhere to go each night after work except back to an empty 
apartment, Xander had taken to coming straight to St. Mary's. 
Just content to watch the taper burn out and sit until his 
stomach started rumbling, signalling that it was time to go 
home. 
Each night, instead of going to the Magic Box to see if he was 
needed, it was straight to the church. The only night he had 
broken the emerging routine was when he had recieved a bonus 
paypacket. He had gone to one of the only two tattoo palours in 
Sunnydale. One that was experienced in dealing with odd 
requests from it's usual demon clientele. 

Xander had sat on the barely padded bench, teeth gritted as he 
waited for the burning sensation to be over. Shirt off, he had 
stared into the mirror being held up by the artist. The 
brunette had taken in the black and red artwork emblazoned just 
over his heart. The two letters intertwined with each other, a 
few drops of red still rolling down his chest. With a nod, he 
had paid the requested amount, careful to keep the tattoo clean 
and moisturised every day. 

S and W. 

He had effectively murdered both Spike and the human he had once 
been after raping the pale form. The demon residing in the 
vampires body had really taken over for William once he had been 
turned but Xander had still destroyed the body the soul had been 
hosted in. So with that in mind, he had gotten the two letters 
done in black with a few drops of blood dripping off them as a 
nod to Spikes best known nickname, William the Bloody. 

It was an odd comfort to know that as long as he lived, he would 
always carry the memory of the bleached vampire around with him. 
Spike hadn't marked him physically, he was of course unable to 
after the Iniative. So Xander had done it on the vampires 
behalf. 

Spike hadn't marked him physically but he had marked Xander's 
soul. A mark that would never come off no matter what the 
brunette tried to do. He would never be able to get himself 
absolved of his sin. Xander was a murderer and a rapist and not 
even God would forgive him of that. How could God forgive him 
when Xander didn't believe in him? He wanted to tell Father 
Ewan just why he couldn't confess each time the priest offered 
him absolution but to even give an explaination would give away 
his secret. 

He wasn't allowed to. He had promised Spike. 

the end.