Monday morning rolled around, all bright and with birds happily
chirping in the heavily leaved trees. Buffy, Willow and Xander
were sprawled around Giles' living room, waiting impatiently as
the ex-watcher tried to connect through to England. Each one
had thought long and hard about what had been offered to them,
each one deciding to take the offer up. All that was left now,
was to get final details of how the reports would be sent to
them. Did they send them via e-mail, fax or post? Did they need
to open separate bank accounts or would they get paid by
cheque/money order? Was there a minimum word limit?

The final deciding point had been the fact that the database
would be invaluable to Buffy and to all the Slayers that came
after her, everyone silently praying that the next one would be
years away. Xander's left knee was jiggling up and down in a
manner that he knew annoyed the crap out of Willow, just
something he couldn't help doing at times. The red-haired witch
got so pouty and whiney when he did, it was like some kind of
perverse kink. He just liked to see how long it would take
Willow to start whining...not long it seemed.

"Xaaannnnderrrr!"

"Yes my favourite little witch?"

Xander looked innocently at the smaller woman, his eyes large
and slightly teary, the corners of his mouth a little twitchy.
Just another little perverse pleasure he had going. Make Willow
whine at him and then, quick as a flash, turn the tables and
make her feel guilty for whining at him. Ohhhh look, it worked!
The brunette had to hurriedly get up and almost run into the
kitchen as the red tressed woman ducked her head, mumbling
something about nothing while Buffy concentrated on trying to
get Giles to hurry up on the phone. A large smile spread across
Xander's face as he switched on the electric kettle.

Reaching up toward the top shelf in the kitchen cupboard, the
brunette got down the small teapot the former watcher favoured.
The older man often waffled something about a better flavour
when that particular pot was used, why, Xander really didn't
know. Tea was tea and it tasted crap no matter what. Actually,
given the choice between blood and tea, the youth wasn't sure
which would really win out. Three mugs and one teacup and
saucer set out on the laminex bench, the male leaned against the
bench to wait until the water boiled before remembering that
Buffy liked her coffee extra milky.

Blood packets pushed out of the way so that Xander could get the
milk, the human wondered just where the former Big Bad was.
After the door slamming episode on Saturday night, the vampire
hadn't been seen since and the bleached blonde certainly hadn't
been in Xander's apartment when the brunette left for Giles.
Spike was more than likely holed up in a crypt until he decided
he was over his latest tantrum or he got hungry.

The brunette felt his smile get larger as he thought back to the
blondes departing words, 'Beating up the odd sodding demon or
two
is bloody fun but there is no fucking way that I'm going to sit
down with you pricks, with a cup of wanker tea and do research.
You can all get stuffed!' With a snicker, Xander wondered what
the others would do if he one day decided to follow Spikes
actions and just refuse to do research. The older human had
only suggested it to the vampire due to the fact that both Tara
and Riley were away for a few weeks and that they could have
used the extra set of eyes.

Tara and Riley were both off visiting their families. The tall
blonde ex-soldier was currently lazing around a sunbathed farm
and getting in touch with his inner farmer while Tara was
probably thanking every god she knew that she had finally gotten
out of the interbred backwater trailer park she had been born
in. Xander was on holidays also but where was he, stuck in
Sunnydale. Slightly bitter that he didn't have any relatives
that he could escape to for even a day, Xander reminded himself
that he would have to take a few blood packets home, his supply
was low. Spike sometimes liked to crash on Xander's couch after
a late nights drinking, the latest crypt being so unkind to
hangovers.

The brunette really didn't even see the vampire much, Spike had
ended up being given a key to the apartment after Xander had
been woken once too often in the early hours of the morning by a
drunken vampire yelling to be let in. Usually Xander just
walked around the bleached blonde passed out on the couch,
sometimes the floor. It happened a few times a week, the
brunette just assumed that the other nights, the vampire had
managed to walk the distance to his chosen crypt. The rude
vampire was nearly always gone by the time Xander got back from
work, only to pop up again, ready to beat the shit out of any
demon that crossed the Slayerettes path once it was time for
patrol.

Kettle boiled, Xander spooned the coffee into the mugs,
depositing two table spoons of Earl Grey into the teapot before
pouring the water. Milk and sugar added to the appropriate
mugs, he balanced everything on a tray and carefully carried it
out to the coffee table. He grinned widely as Willow's eyes lit
up at the prospect of caffeine. Buffy sniffed the air and
turned
her head to see that there really was coffee in the room, a loud
'thank you!' later and she was squashed onto the couch with
Xander and Willow on either side of her, a mug in her hand. All
three friends staring at Giles' back intently as he was occupied
on the phone.

"I can feel you all looking at me. Please stop it, it's really
quite distracting not to mention oddly disturbing."

A collective 'Sorry Giles' had all four humans laughing as Giles
explained that the person he had been talking to had gone off to
find out some information for them.

"Willow, are you able to teach us all how to, what is it,
ah..ride the internet?"

"Its surf the internet Giles and yes I can teach everybody,
why?"

Hand waving for her to be quiet, Giles made a few pleased noises
before making his goodbyes and hanging up. Turning around to
face the eager youths, the older shop keeper stunned them all by
telling them that the Council had offered to lend them money for
computers each if they didn't have access to one at all hours.
Yelling at them all to be quiet as the questions were fired at
him, Giles told them that only himself, Buffy and Xander would
be getting a computer each. Xander having to share with Spike
if the vampire agreed to the proposition, Buffy sharing with
Riley while Willow and Tara used the one already in Tara's room.

"But Giles, my laptop is already two years old and by computer
standards, its pretty much ready for the scrap heap and I'm sure
that Buffy and Xander will want one of their own, not to mention
Spike and the others."

"Ok."

"What, just like that? No telling us that we're selfish for not
sharing?"

"I'm going to let Willow lead the way with this. I trust you
completely to spend the Councils money in the right way. Just
bear in mind that the deal on this will be that our assignments
will be halved until the computers are paid off."

Willow squealed with happiness, almost giddy with the thought of
being allowed to actually spend someone else’s money in one of
her favourites stores, Loki's Computers and supplies. Excitedly
she told the others that if Giles set up another business name
apart from the Magic Box, they would be able to get a business
discount on all the computers and immediate supplies as well as
any future supplies. The big bonus being that everything could
be claimed back at tax time and would really not cost them
anything in the long run.

"Amazing. Willow, you actually scare me a little. You do know
that you have signed yourself up to do my personal and shop
taxes at the end of the financial year don't you?"

"Yeah Wills, you are so very freaky but in the good way. Can
you do mine as well?"

Buffy looked at wide smiles on her friends faces, hoping that
this time, the Council wouldn't double-cross them or start
throwing its weight around. The database was such a good idea
that she was astounded that no one had thought of it before,
especially Willow. At her question, Giles confirmed that both
Riley and Tara were included in the offer. Riley for his
military background and his experience in the Initiative, and
Tara for her use of magic and her spell casting partner ship
with
Willow. At his leer at the mention of spell casting between the
two witches, Xander found himself set upon by both Buffy and
Willow, his ribs soon aching from his laughter at being tickled.
Giles looked on at the scene, an amused look pasted onto his
face.

A few more minutes of laughter and hyperventilation from Xander,
and the older shopkeeper was forced to break the tickle fest
up. Willow quickly wrote a list of what they needed to get, one
that grew to humungous proportions, only stopping the once to
see if she should include Spike, Riley and Tara in the list. At
Giles nod and statement that they could always take the
computers
back if the others declined the offer, Willow read out the list.

Seven laptop computers
three printers including one portable
three scanners
cd-rom re-writables
reams of paper
computer carry cases
basic books on Word 95/98
filing systems
spare ink cartridges
Cd storage cases
Internet connections
Internet tutorial books

Giles sat down. He felt faint, his head spun as he thought of
just how much it was going to cost the Council. He had known
that it was going to be expensive but it was only until Willow
had read out the list that he had realised just how much it was
going to come to. Nether the less, he told an ecstatic Willow
that she would get the go ahead as soon as Giles called to
confirm the offer was taken.

He explained to them just how things were going to be done. The
Council wanted emailed reports followed up by the group posting
cd copies to a private address as soon as possible. The
slayerettes were also to keep both a cd copy of each report and
a printed copy for double back up. Giles was also to keep
another copy of each report on disc in a safe place in case of
emergency. Their payments would be sent directly into newly set
up bank accounts, ones that would have to be set up as soon as
possible. Giles also told them that it would be advisable to
record any type of communication that they had with the Council,
be it by letter, email or phone.

"Ok, I'll give the Council another phone call and tell them that
its all go, why don't you go and set up the new accounts and
then have a look at the computers. Willow, take your time and
don't just pounce on one because it’s bright and shiny."

"Jeez Giles, I *know* that, but they do come in some great
colours these days. I could get you a blue one, Xander an
orange one, Buffy...maybe pink?"

At the raised eyebrow of her friend’s watcher, Willow went on to
explain that if you paid extra, you could actually get your
computer powder coated in whatever colour or design you liked.
It took about a week to do but with such a large order, they
would more than likely get a discounted price. Surprisingly
enough, Giles quite fancied the idea of a computer coloured to
his choice. He really wasn't keen on the whole computer idea
but after working with one at the Magic Box, he had slowly come
to accept that the damned things did have their place in the
world. After telling the excited trio to bring back some colour
samples, he told Xander to find the vampire and ask if Spike was
interested in earning himself some human blood.

Part Three  

Feet wiped at the top step of what was Spikes latest crypt,
Xander slowly pushed open the heavy door, giving the annoying
blonde plenty of time to run through the up and coming insults
in
his head. Once down the steps, he squinted as he took in the
massive amounts of dust and cobwebs scattered just underneath
his feet as he took a few steps into the almost pitch black
room.

"Bleach Boy, you here or are you hiding in the corner and
pretending that if you stay still, I won't be able to see you?"

"Sod off Whelp. What doe's your uselessness want now?"

The vampire watched warily as the brunette human trod down the
stone steps and into the crypt from his armchair in one of the
darkest corners. With a snicker, he found himself amused as the
youth tried to place where the vampires voice had come from. On
purpose, the bleached blonde had chosen the grimiest, dirtiest
crypt he could find in Sunnydale’s oldest cemetery. He knew
from
experience that once one of the Scoobies had visited him in such
a hovel, they would be hard pressed to come and annoy him again.

"Jesus Spike, why can't you rent a nice little *brightly lit*
apartment? You know, like the one Deadboy had."

Xander slowly scanned the room, finally placing the snort of
derision as coming from the shadowy corner furthest from him. If
he hadn't heard the trademark sound, he wouldn't have known the
vampire was even there, certainly his eyes just weren't strong
enough to penetrate the darkness. With a gasp that he couldn't
hold back, he was oddly fascinated as the vampire melted into
his vision, coming to stand only a few feet away from the youth.

"What's the matter Harris, scared of little ol' me? Hear your
heart beating like the clappers, I can."

"Arsehole....what are the clappers...isn't that some sort of
venereal disease? Errk, why would my heart go like the clap?"

"Fuck, you really are the dumb one of the lot aren't you? The
'clappers' is another name for the cops, you know the saying,
'he was running like the clappers were after him'."

Puzzled, Xander had to admit to the sneering blonde that he
still
had no idea what was meant by the saying, scoring points for
himself when he told Spike that he was keeping up with the times
and not sticking to the century he had been born in, not like
some others in a certain crypt.

"You’re a real little fucking smart arse aren’t you? Wont' be
squealing a tune like that when the chip comes out, that much I
can bloody well assure you. You, The Slayer, Foofy Arse
Mr.Giles and the sodding witches."

"*IF* it comes out."

"*When*."

"If."

"When."

"If."

"It's gonna come out."

"Mmmm. Nope!"

With a lunge towards the brat, Spike clutched at his head,
howling as the pain threatened to push his eyes out of their
sockets, via his nose. Game faced at the boy's out right
laughter, the vampire angrily demanded to know why the brunette
was disturbing his privacy.

"Well, I could dance around the subject for, oh let me see,
hours, but lets pretend you have better things to do and I'll
just get straight to the point. How would you like to earn
yourself your choice of human blood or cash?"

"Why? What do I have to do, I mean the offer's nice but just
because it sounds good doesn't mean that I'm gonna take it."

If Spike had been able to breathe, he would have been holding
his breath, his face melting back to it's human features. He
detected the youths heartbeat get faster, the aroma of
excitement
filling the air. Can't be too bad then if the Whelp is excited
he thought. Then again, this is the idiot that thought Alaska
and Hawaii were separate countries to America. No wonder the
moron was unable to hold down a job for longer than a month at
a time. With all the numerous disappearances of minimum wage
staff, one would think that Harris would have cornered the job
market.

"The Watchers Council want the Scoobies, including Riley, Tara
and you, to send in descriptions of our fights with various
demons and our dealings with any prophecies that come our way."

"No."

"Human blood Spike, mmmmmmm. When was the last time that you had
some? This is freely donated stuff as well, that means no
chance of Buffy stakage for even thinking about it."

Seeing the vampire eye him off warily, Xander decided to make
the best of the sneered silence and told the vampire everything
he knew about the deal. He described how the Council would pay
them, informing Spike of how Willow and Buffy were opening new
bank accounts right away. Xander gleefully told the bleached
blonde about the offer of the new laptop and supplies.

"Will's reckons that you can even have your computer coloured to
your liking, although I don't think the company will have a
stencil of corpses and dripping blood. Might just have to
settle for a solid red."

"No, I'm sodding well not helping the effin' Council. Worse than
the bloody Slayer that lot is. Always prancing around two steps
after you, recording everything that you did and then getting it
totally bollocksed up anyway."

Cigarette lit, the vampire kept his familiar sneer on as Xander
explained that this was his chance to set the records straight
on at least some levels. Mind drifting as the Whelp settled
into a babble that would put Willow to shame, he admitted to
himself that the idea was tempting. Human blood, it had been
way too long since he had tasted it. It was going to come
bagged, he knew that. It wasn't as if the Council was going to
pay someone to voluntarily open a vein for him just so he could
get it fresh. The money would be handy as well, his little
'jump, scare and get handed money' games were just about running
their limit. Sunnydale might not 'see' demons but he was sure
everyone had heard of the weird blonde man who jumped out of the
shadows at people. The last few people he had tried to rob had
just laughed at him and told him to get either a life or a job.
Needless to say, his funds were just about zilch.

"Hello..hello? Mr 'Stuck in the 80's hair'? Are you listening
to me?"

"Nothing wrong with my hair, better than the Pouf's
anyway...what did you say, I was too busy trying to stop my
brains leaking out my ears while you waffled about shit."

"Oh, never mind. You can't be that desperate for 'human' blood
then. I was just telling you what the Council wanted from you,
but obviously you have no need for money or blood. I'll just be
going then."

A growl from Spike and rolled eyes from Xander, the youth told
the vampire about how the Council wanted the demons opinion on
how different demons smelt, tasted and acted. That they wanted
to know if the vampire could find weak spots in other demons
when fighting them, without necessarily killing them.

"So, let me get this straight. I get paid either human blood or
cash for kicking the shit out of other demons, sniffing them,
licking them or biting them and then sending in a written report
to the Watchers Council?"

"Yep."

"I get my own computer?"

"Yep, a brand spanking new laptop with all the latest programs
complete with a built in modem to connect to the internet. Also,
the use of a printer and scanner."

"Right."

Blowing the acrid smoke out through his nose, the vampire
continued to eye the boy, mainly because it was causing him to
squirm more by the minute. When the blonde thought about it,
helping the Council really wasn't much more than what he was
already doing. Sure, he was beating up fellow vampires and
demons with the Scraggy Gang but this was a step up, helping the
devil himself. Not a nice bunch of 'tea and cucumber
sandwiches’ people when they got nasty, more like ‘only death to
your entire species will satisfy us’ type of people. Pretty
much
like living with Angelus in his heyday.

"Alright, I'll do it but I want both blood and money."

"Yeah right, with that attitude, they'll be throwing you a nice
apartment as well. Giles will want to see you tonight now that
you’re on board."

"Don't fucking trust them not to screw the lot of us in the end
though."

Still wary, the vampire snorted when Xander told him that the
older ex-watcher had advised keeping a record of all
communication with the Council. A nod of his head showed that
he was in total agreement. After all, if he didn't like this
arrangement, he could always pawn the laptops off down in
Sunnydale, take the cash and just piss off out of town.

Part Four  

"Ok Xander, what colour do you want?"

Colour swatches flipped through again, the brunette just
couldn't decide between the solid metallic red and the pearl
indigo. It was the first time he had ever gotten so close to
owning a computer of his own, his uncle(APOSTROPHE)s
hand-me-down, not even being considered. That stupid arsehole
thing had only been workable for three days before it had caught
alight, the study's curtains paying the price for shoddy
workmanship.

He was excited. His first bonus for helping the Council. After
Willow had mocked up a tax return for them all, no-one had any
regrets about spending the extra $150.00 per computer to get
them coloured to their personal liking. Willow had stunned
everyone after her mockups had indicated that all everyone would
have to pay after the real returns, was the charge for the
colouring.

"Hang on, hang on. Mmmmmm, the red? Yep, the red will do me
just fine"

"Thank fuck for that, about bloody time. Hate to see you make a
real sodding descion. Oooooh, large or small fries? The agony!"

"Spike, watch it. Slayer with a stake here and willing to use
it"

Eyes rolled at yet again another useless threat by the annoying
blonde bint, the vampire knew he was just about to either kill
himself by trying to smother the kissing witches, or run
screaming around the Watcher's living room just for the hell of
it. Shirt off, naked kind of running around screaming. Bored to
tears he was and he could no longer keep it a secret.

"I'm fucking well bored and the witches are turning me gay, I'm
all for a bit girly pashing but that is just.....uuughhhh"

"SPIKE!"

At the collective shriek of annoyance/embarrassment, Spike
ducked and held his arms up to protect his head as numerous
heavy objects were thrown towards him. A grunt was heard as one
of the massive books on working the Internet connected with the
vampire's stomach. Two fingered salute at Xander's snicker of
amusement, the blond sighed as he was once again shoved to the
back of everybody's thoughts, all attention focused upon Buffy.
The petite blonde read over everybody's requests once again.

"Alright, now stop me if I get this wrong because you can't
exchange them once they are painted"

"Giles, Latin proverbs on a metallic silver background. Tara,
rippled pearl and mauve. Willow, solid metallic Sahara
yellow. Riley, camoflague greens. Xander, solid metallic red.
Spike, flames on a solid black background. Me, Gothic 'B'
italics on the imperial blue"

"A..Ah Buffy, Jonathan would like the rippled aqua on the pearl
white background. Just add it to the list"

Head nodding as she wrote down the added request, the blonde
asked how the former Watcher's new employee was working out.

The older man finally had to hire an assistant after admitting
that the long hours at the shop, combined with patrolling were
taking their toll. Jonathan had been like a Godsend from the
moment he had stepped through the Magic Box's door. The young
man had been down on his luck after being thrown out of his
home, and down to his last few dollars, the blue eyed male
applied for the postion out of sheer desperation. Giles had
remembered him from Sunnydale High and had been more than happy
to give him a chance after Xander had turned down the offer
himself. So far, the youth hadn't put a foot wrong and the
regular customers fawned all over him.

"Working out well, actually. I really didn't think that being a
shop assistant would be his thing, but I must admit that I'm
pleased. He's picking things up quite fast"

"So, any closer to finding out why he's still living at
Sunnydale's finest motel?"

"Really Xander, that is none of our business. If Jonathan
wishes to tell us, then he will do so when he chooses and not
before. Please don't try and wheedle it out of him. From what
he has indicated, he didn't leave on the best of terms with his
parents and I've said quite enough already"

Almost choking on the rising bile due to the two witches
sympathetic noises at poor JonJon's plight, the vampire decided
that it was finally time to go. It was just getting dark
outside and he was more than willing to risk getting a little
crispy so that he could leave a few seconds earlier.

"Right. I'm off. Red, I'll be at the Moron's place tomorrow as
demanded. And for fucks sake, don't bring beige girl. I'll
bloody well vomit myself into a second death if you two start
that 'touchy feely' muck again"

Wathcing the leather duster swirling majestically out of the
opened front door, everyone asked Tara to go to Xander's the
next day with Willow, Giles offering to pay, Xander offering to
double the amount if the touching got them naked.

Part Five  

"Right and then you type dot c-o-m and press enter!"

"FUCK!"

Both humans jumped as one as the bleached blond vampire got up
and threw his chair across the room. Foot raised for just a
moment, Spike kicked the broken structure a few times before
grabbing his packet of cigarettes and stomping outside into the
corridor, front door slamming after him.

"Well, I suppose because I live alone, I reeaally don't need
*two* chairs do I?"

A hand rubbed through his shaggy hair, Xander really couldn't
blame the vampire for cracking under Willow's tutelage, hoping
that the vampire wouldn't feel the need to 'express' his
frustrations again any time soon. He wasn't doing the best
himself, he barely understood a third of what the petite redhead
was trying to teach them about Word and other programs. Arms
stretched, he moved his body from side to side in an effort to
ease some of the stiffness he felt.

"Xander, did you want to have a break and make some coffee? I'll
try and undo *whatever* Spike has done this time."

With a wave of excitement flowing over him, the tall brunette
sprang from his seat and almost ran to the kitchen before The
Willow Teaching Beast changed her mind. He knew that there was
something seriously wrong when he got a feeling of joy from
being able to escape his best friends presence, even for a few
minutes. Sadly enough, he had Spike to thank for that. Since
the moment Willow had turned up alone, unfortunately, at
Xander's apartment, the bleached vampire had caused one problem
after another with his loaned computer. Things that were easily
fixed by the redhead and amazingly enough, Spike had muttered a
few apologies along the way and had only made a mere handful of
rude and offensive remarks regarding Xander's own stuff-ups.
Even with the broken chair lying in a heap, it was still a
day with Spike on his best behaviour. Spike was still going to
pay for a new chair though.

With one ear tuned to Willow's numerous mutterings and
occasional giggle, the brunette got down three mugs and set them
upon the stained bench. Coffee spooned into all three, he then
gave one mug two heaped teaspoons of sugar. Xander rummaged
through the fridge for a box of pineapple jam donuts. A new
type of donut brought out by his favourite store, they were
just like the regular strawberry jam ones but with pineapple
instead and it was extra chunky jam as well. Three placed on a
plate, he shoved them into the microwave for 40 seconds to warm.
Allowing his mind to wander, he thought of just how many donuts
his first bonus would allow him to buy, salivating at the idea.

DING

Jerked out of his thoughts, the brunette was horrified to
realise that he had actually dribbled onto his long sleeved
t-shirt, the bright blue material marred by a few wet dots. His
chin hastily wiped clear of the donut induced wetness, he rubbed
at the small damp marks on his chest in an effort to get them a
little dry before anyone noticed.

"Xaaannnndeeerrr! All fixed and is that coffee I smell? You
put two sugars in? Are there donuts, are they jam or chocolate?
Do they have sprinkles because I bags the one with pink
sprinkles."

Having a sudden fear that all the sugar would hype Willow up
more than humanely possible, Xander considered actually throwing
the donuts out before the redhead could get her hands on one and
inflict her 'happiness' onto both himself and a grumbling blond
vampire. Reality catching up to him before he could commit the
sin of wasting perfectly good grease and sugar, the brunette
obediently answered all of the witches questions while trying
not to laugh at the vampire's face as Willow oh so slowly went
through some instructions again. Placing the mugs and plate of
donuts on the table, he poked the blond off the only intact
chair left in the apartment so that he could claim it.

"No. Not d-o-t dot, I *said* dot as in the symbol dot. Spike,
will you just listen?"

"I AM fucking well listening and you did bloody well not say
symbol sodding bloody dot or whatever. You just said dot so I
typed d-o fucking-t."

And so it went for the next few hours. Willow and Spike harping
on at each other while Xander just sat and took notes, trying to
keep up with Willow's instructions. He had briefly looked
through one of the massive books on Word earlier, as a
consequence he had more confidence of understanding his own
writing than the in depth writings of the large tome. Finally,
Willow deemed them both qualified enough to be left alone with
the laptops Loki's computer store had loaned them until their
own were ready. Both Spike and himself groaned as they realised
Willow was only leaving early because she had actually prepared
homework for them.

"Willow, you sooo can't be serious? I don't go to college just
so that I don't have to do this."

"Whelp is right. I don't go to bloody college either, so count
me out. I just want me sodding pay already and a nice mug of O
positive."

"Spike, that is gross and it really isn't homework. Just think
of it as practice before typing up the real reports. You know,
practice makes perfect."

With that, the redhead let herself get shown out the door,
Xander firmly closing it behind her. Mock wipe of the brow, he
turned his attention to a vampire that was muttering to himself
while tapping away at the keyboard of his laptop.

"I want a new chair as soon as your first pay check comes in."

"Why the hell should I pay for it? Red's fault she got me agro
and anyway, it was shoddy workmanship. Should take it back to
the store, disgusting that they sell such weak structures these
days."

"You cannot be serious? You broke it, you pay for it."

"No."

"Yes."

"No and anyway, what are you going to do if I don't?"

"Yes and I'll change the locks on my door, plus a de-invite
spell and when you start hollering to be let in, I'll call the
police. I'll make enough reports so they keep you down the
station until dawn, so that you will be dusted the moment they
throw you out onto the street. Then I'll fake your reports to
the Council and get your money as well."

Xander snickered as the vampire’s eyes grew large, almost to
Japanese cartoon size. He could almost see a smidgeon of
respect reflected in the bright blue orbs. Two seconds later he
received the usual salute, chipped black nail polish and all.

"Arsehole."

"Oooohh, delayed reaction. Should I be flattered?"

"That's right Pet, just remember I have a key to your place and
nothing is stopping me from handing out copies of it down at
Willies. Actually, I think I can have a copy of the Watcher's
as well by tomorrow night."

The vampire watched in delight as the boy's usually tanned face
suddenly went the colour of three-day-old soured milk. Stupid
brat, did he really think he could outmatch a Master? After a
few seconds, he was satisfied to see Xander march into the
bathroom, door closing firmly after him. Attention turned back
to the cursed box in front of him, the bleached blond glanced at
the list of instructions the witch had left for him, wondering
just how the hell he was going to get out of doing it. A snort
later, he almost smacked himself across the head, as he knew the
answer. It was simple, he just wouldn't do it. What could the
witch do? An image of Willow in black leather and stilettos
tanning his naked arse with a studded paddle came swimming into
his mind. Very nice indeed. So was the one where the redhead
was restraining him with a leash and collar, jerking the collar
tight, as she demanded he lick her wetness to orgasm.

With whine and a tug on his tight jeans, Spike got up and strode
over to the still closed bathroom door.

"Hurry the fuck up Harris, what are you doing? Bloody well
drowning?"

A muffled yelp for him to go away and the vampire continued to
stroke himself through the confining denim as he walked around
the corner to Xander's bedroom. Well, he wanted a wank and if
the boy was going to occupy the bathroom then he was just going
to have to toss off in Xander's bedroom.

With one ear tuned to the bathroom, Spike slowly opened one
sliding door of the wall closet so that he could hear more sound
from the bathroom on the other side of the wall. Not that there
was really much coming from it, although the vampire could hear
the Whelp's heart beating nice and evenly even though it was a
smidgeon higher than normal. A shrug and Spike slid down his
zipper, sighing in delight as some of the pressure was eased off

his swollen member. Jeans pushed down to mid thigh, the vampire
gave his hard cock a few strokes, thumbing the cool precum along
his shaft.

A groan later, he realised that it was going to take him forever
to finish even with both witches in whore wear if he didn't have
something for a bit more lubrication. Shuffling as quietly as
possible to the drawers beside the boy's bed, he slowly opened
the top drawer. A quick rummage revealed a few unopened condoms
and a half used tube of lube. Laughing softly, he wondered just
when the Whelp had lost his virginity and who had been stupid
enough to lay still for the five seconds it must have taken the
brunette to grunt out an orgasm. Lube poured into one hand,
Spike took the opportunity to sit on the bed while fisting his
cock in harder strokes.

Eyes closed and ears tuned to the bathroom still, the vampire
bit his lip as Willow straddled his face while he was bound
spread-eagle on his back across Xander's bed.....hang on? A
pause, Spike shrugged and continued to use his left hand to
fondle his heavy ball sac while running the tip of his right
pinkie finger just under his foreskin. Lip bitten through, he
started to pant as he sucked and licked on Willow's sweet
tasting clit, his cock being gently touched and fondled by large
hot hands. No woman’s hands were these. He imagined the large
hands spreading oil over his slightly raised puckered entrance,
two of the hot digits pushing inside of him, the mystery males
breathing getting harsher while Willow writhed in pleasure above
him. Squeezing his testicles harder as he pinched his foreskin,
Spike sliced his tongue as he came over his hand, lower abdomen
and thighs. Still panting, the vampire looked around for
something to wipe his spent cock on, finally deciding upon
Xanders comforter. A figure in the doorway of the bedroom
caught his attention, the bleached blond’s hand pausing in
mid-wipe.

Both men stared at each other. The vampire's wide shocked eyes
looking directly into chocolate brown unbelieving orbs. In
unison, they both uttered small screams of horror, Spike dashing
out of the bedroom, Xander shoved out of the way. Head aching
from the shove, Spike danced around the living room while trying
not to trap his delicate foreskin in a metal zipper and put on
his duster at the same time. Xander just standing in the bedroom
doorway while stuttering for the vampire to explain what had
been going on in the bedroom.

"Did..did you just...you know?"

"Err yes..but I was thinking of you!"

Once again, the two men screamed as one. Xander fell to the
floor in shock, pointing a shaking finger at him while gaping
like a fish. Spike knew he had his duster on inside out and for
once, he really didn't care about his appearance. Door flung
open, the vampire ran into the corridor and downstairs, out into
the emerging dusk before he brought up Willow's involvement in
his little 'adventure'.

Part Six

Sunnydale Cemetary (the original)

The Thomas Family Crypt

Forty five minutes after "The Comforter Incident"


THUMP

"Ow."

THUMP

"Ow."

THUMP

"Bloody stupid sodding f'ing bloody poofter pillock!"

THUMP

"Ow."

THUMP

"OW! That bloody hurt!"

THUMP

"Ow."

Pausing just before his steadily bruising forehead connected
with the hard damp wall of his latest crypt, the blond vampire
once again berated himself for his less than stellar "Spike"
performance.

THUMP

"Ow."

THUMP

"This is hurting."

THUMP

"OW!"

"Poofter..that's what I am! Nothing short of Peachy. Stupid."

THUMP

"Ow."

THUMP

"Why the fuck would I even say that? What the friggin' hell is
wrong with me? Bloody Red's fault anyway...her fault she looked
so good in leather...mmmm, especially the lace-up corset with
peepholes for lush nummy looking nipples....niiiiiice!"

THUMP

"Ow."

THUMP

"So....am I going mental? Shit! Has being around Dru finally
rubbed off on me? Holy fuck...have I got some sort of mental
disease? I don't even like the stupid sod like that...sure as
hell didn't imagine *his* hot hands all over my cock.....up me."

THUMP

"BLOODY HELL! That sodding well HURT!"

THUMP

"Stupid bloody thing to say...Oh no Xanny luv...just seeing you
everyday makes me want to wank myself stupid ...oh sure, I was
thinking of Red going all bondage bitch on me but gee pet, you
*really* are the one I want the most.....FUCK!"

THUMP

"Ow."

THUMP

"No really Xanny, just stick a finger up me any old how and I'm
your own personal Spike Slut....that's right my luscious,
useless Whelp....twirl a hot little finger up me arse and you
can call me Bitch any day....bloody hell....I'm mental!"

THUMP

"Ow."

THUMP

"Ow."

THUMP

"Ow....hasn't got little fingers anyway....Bloody fuck! I did
NOT just soddin' well say THAT!"

THUMP

"Ow."

====================================================

Same time...same town....Xander's apartment.


"Erk."

"No..."

"Err..but..mmmm!"


Standing as far back from the atrocity as possible, Xander had
finally gathered the courage to venture into The Bedroom of
Horror. His once private sanctuary had been defiled, the four
walls were a silent witness to an act of pure depravity.

"Oh god!"

He felt sick. The still shocked brunette was sure that he was
never going to recover. It was obvious he was going to have to
attend the most extreme sort of therapy possible.

*Group* therapy....something only the truly distressed attended.

He was one of those truly distressed, he had to be. How much
more distressing could things be than to find out that a vampire
had sat on your bed, wanked off to distorted images of you and
then *wiped* himself on your favourite comforter cover? How did
he know they were distorted images? It was "He who shall never
be named"...that much should be obvious, anyway, *HE* was a
vampire so of course the mental pictures would be not of the
usual variety. What they had been would be anybody's guess.

What had Xander been doing in those thoughts? Must have been
good for Spi...No.."He who shall never be named" to achieve
orgasm? Wow..he had given someone an orgasm and he hadn't even
been in the room...Right on!

"Shit...I did *not* just think that!"

"No...no! You bastard! You goddamned prick!"

Xander scowled at his internal thoughts. Marching back out of
his defiled space, his back ramrod straight, the brunette
wrenched open the spare closet door. Broom snatched up, he
strode back into his bedroom, every cell in his body prepared to
get down to a dirty disgusting hateful task. Removing the
soiled comforter cover.

"Bloody fuck! Damn, I can't believe I just uttered Spike
speak?"

Grunting and cursing to himself, the pissed-off youth attempted
to remove the cover from the extra thick thermal comforter
without touching it...using just a broom. Something that wasn't
going to prove possible with out ripping the cover to shreds.

"Bastard...who the hell does he think he is? Comes into my
home, eats my food, touches everything, probably steals all my
loose change which why I can never find some...no, he *does*
steal my goddamned change and how does he repay me? With a
'thank you' wank!"

With a tug on the broom that was twisted in the steadily ripping
material, Xander continued to mutter to the four walls.

"How long has he been thinking about me? Oh my god, what the
hell did I do that turned him on so much? I didn't do anything
remotely sexy today."

Wincing at the massive ripping sound, the youth sighed as he
finally removed the last few shreds of the cover from the
comforter. Standing and stretching a few times, he made his way
back into the kitchen. Garbage bag found, Xander walked back
into his bedroom and proceeded to poke the ripped and torn cover
into the thick plastic bag.

"Let's see? All I've done today is learn computers with
Willow...ooohh! I *did* make coffee a few times and I *did*
warm up the donuts?"

"No way! There is no way that me making coffee turned him on or
did it? Do I make coffee in a really kinky way? Is that why
Will's and the Buffster always get me to make it? Is there some
way I pour the milk or stir the coffee...do I hold the teapot in
a certain way?"

Xander sank to the floor as a thought struck him.

"Oh my god! Do I turn Giles on as well?"

**********

"God Angel, can't you ever just go the speed limit? I mean, we
all know that you're old but thats no excuse for driving like
the blue rinse set" exclaimed the brunette woman as she knocked
on Rupert Giles front door.

"Actually Cordelia, I believe the correct term is geriatric"

"Yo, Miss Daisy, you coming or you gonna sulk a bit more?"
snickered Gunn as he exchanged winks with Doyle and Wesley who
were standing beside him as they waited for someone to answer
the door. It had just taken the brunette vampire almost twenty
minutes to drive them all from Sunnydale Motel to the
ex-watchers house. A journey that should have taken them less
than ten minutes.

"Am not sulking....just have to be careful, the cars a classic
you know" muttered Angel as he stoiclly put up with the ribbing
he was getting from his employees.

"Ah! H..hello, do come in and why are you sulking Angel?" asked
a curious Giles as he opened the front door. Waving the five
friends through, he found himself raising his eyebrow as
everyone bar an extremley put out looking vampire laughingly
told him that he would soon find out.

"I *am not* sulking....don't see why they won't take it back"

"Oh Angel, stop whining" ordered Cordelia as she stood with
hands on hips, glaring at her boss, causing him to shrink back
into the couch he had sat down on.

"Yes..do stop your whining. I think its just darling"

"If you were my friend, then you would swap with me..." asked a
hopefull vampire, batting his eyelashs at his current object of
affection only to be disappointed when Wesley firmly crossed his
arms and shook his head.

The word 'no' echoed around Giles' living room as Angel looked
at each of his employees in turn before turning his gaze on a
thoroughly confused elder of the two ex-watcher.

"Bad vampire...bad! Don't even think about it"

"Ow..Corrdddeeee!" whined the brunette male, pouting as he
rubbed at the upper arm that had just had an intimate encounter
with his secretary's hand.

"Thats right Angel...you're a...bad...vampire" smirked Wesley,
waggling his eyebrows at his lover, promising the larger
brunette male that he would be shown just what could befall an
unco-operative vampire later that night when they got back to
the Motel. The younger mans smirk turned into a leer when the
vampire's rubbing got faster.

"Hey Irish...sit on me..next to me..yep, next to me...nowhere
else" said an appalled Gunn, thanking his heritage that he was
dark enough so that no-one could see the furious blush that was
threatening to set him on fire. At Doyles raised eyebrow, he
gave the older man a weak grin as he watched his workmate try
and hold in his laughter even as the Irishman came to sit next
to him on the second dark brown couch.

"Oh God!" exclaimed Cordelia and Giles in unison. Looking at
each other in horror, they rolled their eyes before hurring to
the saftey of the older mans kitchen. Door shut firmly behind
them, the brunette and ex-watcher continued to recoil from the
hideous going-ons in the living room.

"How long till Buffy and the others get here...because I so
don't want to face *that* again anytime soon!" shuddered the
young wannabe actress.

"Not soon enough...trust me on that. Are they always like
that?" enquired Giles as he reached into the cupboard to pull
out his hidden bottle of scotch. Bottle shaken at Cordelia, he
reached back into the cupboard and got down two glasses. Drink
poured hastily, he smiled when the girl turned away from him to
rummage through the freezer for some ice.

"You have *no* idea Giles. It was worse when they used to try
and be subtle about it...I ended up just telling them to go for
it in the middle of the foyer....I think they did one day.
Well, Angel and Wesley did, that I'm sure of. The other two
keep dancing around each other like Swan Lake interpreted into
modern dance by Pee Wee Herman. That little 'embarrassment'
back there...well, lets just say that theres more to come"

"You poor poor child. You most certainly do have my deepest
sympathy. What about you...anyone on the horizon...please tell
me...I'm desperate to forget about...about..*that*" sighed
Giles, gesturing towards the closed door and the living room on
the other side. In less than a second, he wished he had never
asked as an unearthly screech erupted from the girls lips.

"Ooooh yes! He's sooo great. Taste, money, a business of his
own and the best thing is, he's in the know about 'certain'
things. His name is Lorne"

===============================================

thirty minutes later
=====================

Xander sat quietly in his seat as his mind spun from what was
going on around him. He knew that Angel was gay. It was obvious
because the vampire was with Wesley. Very much so. In fact,
holding hands and kissing very much so. He knew that Buffy
found it funny that the one time love of her life preferred a
nerdy ex-watcher to her. Didn't matter anyway, she was with
Riley now. Captain America in the flesh.

She was totally comfortable with Angel being gay. Obviously she
was comfortable because she was sitting in the seat next to her
ex-boyfriend and encouraging him to keep dropping various items
just infront of Riley, making the tall blond man bend over to
pick them up, giving Buffy, Angel and Wesley a great view of his
well rounded buttocks each time. Each one leering at the kahki
encased flesh.

With a shake of his head, Xander wondered just when Riley would
grab a clue. Surely the other man couldn't be that dense?
Actually, he was becuase Riley was yet again bending over to
pick up the pen that Wesley flicked infront of him.

"Oh my God!" the brunette whispered to himself in horror. Had
he really just seen that...did Deadboy just pinch Rileys
backside and then blame it on a giggling Buffy? This couldn't
be for real..could it? At the slamming of the front door, all
heads turned to see a bleached blond vampire saunter into the
room as if he owned it, smirking as Riley bent down to pick up
the pen Angel did accidently drop for once.

"Well then Poof, got yourself a hobby I see? And you,
Slayer...shame on you"

"Look Biteless Wonder..just sit and shutup...got a.."

"Gotta stake and not afraid to use it. Yeah..yeah. Heard it all
before. Fuck...these two yours? What are you doing..recruiting
poofs?" sneered Spike as he put down the black laptop shoulder
bag, gesturing at Doyle and Gunn as they sat with fingers barely
intertwining. Sneering and feigning fright as Angel growled at
him, the younger vampire looked around the room for a place to
sit before he shrugged his shoulders and sat next to the
glowering brunette human.

"Hey..I'm not gay thank you!" snapped Cordelia as she came from
the kitchen, carrying a tray laden with mugs full of coffee.

"Why not..you're a man...look at you..balls the size of Texas,
no wonder Hairboy likes you so much..reminds him of the Slayer"

At the collective gasp from around the room, Spike suddenly
wondered if he had gone too far by baiting the brunette woman.
The bleached blond had gone to verbal battle with her twice and
he had to admit that she was his equal in the bitch stakes.
Certainly with a glance at his Sire, the younger vampire found
that he could almost see pity in the brown eyes.

"Yeah well...all the better for you if you have got a pair of
knackers, get you far in show business they will....so, what
colour computers did you lot get?" asked Spike as he watched
Cordelia take a breathe, her face bright red. As her angry
scowl suddenly turned into a sweet smile, Spike admitted to
himself that he was just about to get shat on.

"I'm going to make you a coffee Spike...how do you like it?" the
woman asked with a coy voice.

"I...ah..no. I don't drink coffee. Vampire I am, drink blood"

"Actually Cordy...The skilled...wanker...here, has his coffee
with one sugar and milk....Spike appreciates it" smirked Xander.
He felt sorry for the vampire. There was only one person in
the world who could make instant coffee taste like something
from the legendary tarpits. Xander was hoping that Cordelia
would go all out and make Spike a cup of percolator coffee,
something that could bring even Angelus to his knees.

With everyone sniggering at the bleached blond as Cordelia
stomped back into the kitchen, Xander found that Spike was
glaring at him.

"Arsehole"

"Ohhh, diddims. You're own fault anyway...tosser"

"Your bed Mate..pant..pant!" sneered the blond, thankfull that
his species no longer blushed. He couldn't for the life of him
understand why he had told the brunette male that he had been
masturbating while thinking of Xander but he was determined to
use it to embarass the younger man. It was working as well..too
well, his Sire was looking at them. Gonna have to get the show
on the road with his latest project.

Reaching down beside him, the vampire made a great show of
pulling out his new laptop, running his pale hand over the
orange and red flames that decorated the slim black laptop.
Once he had done that, he thumped it none too gently ontop of
the coffee table so that it drew more attention. Sitting back
into the couch, he waited.

"Wow...that's come up really well. I was going to get that
design but I got the aqua crackle look instead" exclaimed the
shorter Irishman, pulling his laptop out of the carryall case
beside him.

"Yeah..nice. Like the colour. Suppose we should all learn what
each others looks like...you know, just incase. Don't want to
get back to the crypt and find I've taken the Whelps by mistake.
Only so much porn one can take in a day"

"Fuck off Neuter Boy. You know what mine looks like anyway..but
I wouldn't mind seeing what everybody else decided on...Gunn,
what design did you get?" enquired a genuinely interested
Xander.

As Giles and Cordelia came back from the kitchen, a huge mug of
steaming coffee in the young womans hand, the both jumped in on
the action, oohing and ahhing with everybody else after Cordelia
made sure to present the coffee to a less than happy blond. One
by one, each laptop was shown off by its excited owner and duly
admired by the surrounding friends. Halfway through the
presentation, Willow came tearing into the house, numerous
sheets of paper held in one hand.

"Sorry I'm late. I had to go back to the dorm and get the tax
papers. You know, so we can get rebates for the
computers...what did I miss?"

Sitting down, the red-haired witch explained that Tara was
helping Jonathan with the Friday late night trading, stating
that her girlfriend already knew how to use the Internet. As
Cordelia finished showing off her metallic silver/blue slim line
laptop, she nudged at her boss with a small giggle.

"Go on Angel...show everybody yours"

"Come now..there's nothing to be ashamed of. As long as you
like it, then its not a problem is there?" choked out Wesley,
trying not to laugh too much as Doyle and Gunn joined in on the
laughter.

"It's not what I ordered and I'm not showing anyone" mumbled an
embarrassed vampire, arms folded across his chest. Bottom lip
just starting to tremble, he looked pleadingly at his lover,
cursing inwardly as the younger humam kept insisting that he
show everyone his new laptop.

"Oh..it's not that bad. Stop being silly Angel. Come on, be a
man and just show us"

"If it's not that bad, then why are you all laughing? Hmmm,
answer me that one Wes?"

"Angel..we're not laughing at you, we're laughing *with* you"
said the younger ex-watcher to his now visibly pouting
boyfriend. Running one hand up and down the well formed black
clad arm, he tried not laugh louder as Xander, Spike and Buffy
joined in.

"Not laughing anyway..Fine! Here..go on..laugh all you like but
it's supposed to be plain black with a sliver celtic cross on
the cover...not this...this..*colour*" snapped the brunette
vampire, annoyed when everyone in the room howled in laughter at
the sight of his computer.

"Its...its..so *manly*" sighed Buffy, holding onto her sides as
they started to ache from laughing too much.

"But its just you....bloody Poof" sniggered Spike.

"Wes is right, theres nothing wrong with the colour if you like
it...of course, it would suit you more if you were a Girl Scout"

"Oh thank you very much Xander...thank you..alright..shut up.
It's not that funny" scowled Angel. How the company had stuffed
up was beyond him.

"Yes..that's right. My computer is peach. Not orange, butternut
or burnt umber but peach. Metallic peach" Angel admitted
tightly, staring at the ceiling in resignation.

"No...you're right. We won't tease you anymore...Peaches"

With that, the room erupted into more laughter as Wesley finally
said the one thing that everyone had been dying to hear yet not
quite daring to say as soon as the vampire had pulled out his
laptop. Arms folded tightly across his chest, the fomer
Scourge of Europe vowed to throw the computer away as soon as
possible.

Xander couldn't believe it. It was just too good not to laugh at
the older vampire, certainly the oportunity didn't present
itself too often now that Angel was living in L.A. As the male
tried to calm down his laughter, he locked eyes with the
bleached blond beside him and knew instantly who had set Angel
up.

TBC