Random ramlbings of a daddy to be and an allround shock
by TJ

"With a resounding crash behind him, Xander ran as fast as long legs 
would carry him into the kitchen. 

One month. 

One whole anger and tear-filled month had passed since Willow had shocked 
them all, and were they sure as hell paying for it. Angel was constantly 
getting caught sneaking around the red head's bedroom, trying to straighten up 
the strewn bed clothing and numerous clothes thrown over the floor. Each time 
Willow tried to do something, Angel was there. Standing over her like a 
guardian angel, ready to right the wrongs of a stained shirt or correct the 
balance of a misplaced mug of forgotten coffee. Something Willow was objecting 
to most loudly. She constantly screamed that she wasn't helpless, just 
pregnant and if Angel valued his testicles, he would do well to remember that 
in the future. Unfortunately, it looked like Willow was going to have to carry 
out her threat for the older vampire to get it through his thick, but well 
intentioned, skull. 

Xander himself was trying to weather the Willow storm as she rode the 
rollercoaster of emotions. Unfortunately, the redhead had paid too much 
attention to one of his numerous mutterings. The one where he had gotten Spike 
into a fit of the giggles. The one where he compared Willow's performance to 
that of an Academy Award Winner. How was he to know that the witch was 
standing three steps behind him? 

All he had said was that Meryl Streep was probably already looking into 
buying the movie rights to Willow's mood swings. 

Needless to say, he had been in agony after the witch had attacked him 
with a cake batter-coated wooden spoon. Spike hadn't helped either, the blond 
had been content to just laugh at the brunette's squeals of pain as Willow had 
made sure the brunette's thighs were as red as her hair. Angel had come into 
the kitchen, taken one look at Xander being slapped at by a teary Willow and 
had gone straight back out again. 

OK, he conceded that he really shouldn't have made fun of the red head, 
but she was so damn funny. One minute it was all happiness and light, then not 
even half a second later, she was weepy that none of them would love her once 
she was fat and ugly. Of course, that pretty much guaranteed a sucking up 
session by all males and damn it! Xander was jealous, why couldn't he pull the 
sympathy routine? Then he could enjoy his three partners fawning all over him 
for a change. Of course that would mean getting pregnant, and to get pregnant 
he would have to have a period, and to have a period would mean he would have 
to get a womb from somewhere....and that was pretty interesting in an odd 
Hellmouthy way. Could he spontaneously grow a vagina and womb, or would that 
be just way too odd for the Hellmouth? 

Spike would go for it, that much he knew. The blond vampire would 
probably attack his Sire in order to be the first one to pluck Xander's newly 
appeared virginity. Angel would probably think he was the one to blame that 
Xander was now a woman, all because Angel didn't wear the light mauve 
embroidered waistcoat back in bloody 1886 or something equally as stupid. 
Whenever something wierd happened, Angel always thought that he was to blame, 
no-one else but the 240 year old vampire. Willow would more than likely set 
him on fire for just daring to make a mockery of her womanhood and 'delicate' 
state. 

OK, he was weird. 

What the hell was he doing? Oh yeah, he was getting his beloved another 
cup of green tea, this time in the specific cup as requested. Rooting around 
in the back of the crockery cupboard, he ignored the snickers coming from the 
kitchen table. Demanded tea cup and saucer found, he sighed his thanks to the 
gods that it wasn't the one he had broken last week. God only knew how Willow 
would have reacted if it had been the purple and green tartan set she had her 
heart set on. He had only broken it after Spike had dared him to and Xander, 
never being one to refuse a challenge, had wholeheartedly jumped on the 
offensive china. Both men had hollered and whooped as the brunette had stomped 
on Angel's last Christmas present from Wesley, grinding the set into the 
kitchen floor. 

"Did someone displease the Princess?" 

"Shut up Spike, do want her to hear you? You know she's got better 
hearing now...she's just plain creepy!" 

Both men froze as they heard a few noises coming from the direction of 
Willow's bedroom. Two sets of shoulders wearily sank in relief as they 
realised that the witch hadn't heard them. 

"You just about finished that yet?" 

"How the fuck can I be finished when I don't even know where to start? 
Never in my whole unlife did I think that I would ever regret shagging, but 
Red had made me regret it." 

Willow had banned Spike from the bedroom. He didn't get to touch or speak 
to Willow until he had traced his family tree. The witch was paranoid in 
thinking that one day, her unborn child might just fall in love and marry 
someone that was way to close in the gene pool to be considered legal. Spike 
was going nuts. He had technically gone nuts after the first day, patience had 
never been his strong point. Both Angel and Xander had taken pity on him. 
Xander was more than happy to let Spike fuck him into the floor, normally the 
blond vampire was the receiver, oddly submissive for a vampire - not that 
Xander complained - so the turnabout was something to be enjoyed. 

Both Angel and Xander were complying with his frustrated leanings but for 
some reason, Spike's two male lovers refused to wear lipstick while giving the 
bleached blond blowjobs. Why, the younger vampire really had no idea...it 
wasn't as if it was kinky or anything, and the Revlon Spiced Paprika would go 
so well with the dark hair and chocolate eyes. Briefly wondering if he could 
convince Angel to wear the soft pink cashmere sweater he had 'borrowed' from 
the ex-watcher, Wesley's, place. Spike growled and continued to think of poncy 
names from the 1900's. He really had no idea of his family tree but he wanted 
a Willow shag and the sooner he got the family tree out of the way, the sooner 
he was cock deep in Willow juices. 

There was no way she would be able to tell he had made it all up himself 
and thanks to that limp dick Wesley, he was almost finished. It looked good, 
all he had done was copy the idiot watcher's family tree, substituting the 
names for ones he had made up himself. Another glance at the almost finished 
tree, he gathered up the numerous bits of paper and spread them across the 
floor, taping the sheets of paper together to form one huge spread of paper. 

"Fuck, look at that! It's huge, I wonder what mine looks like?" 

"Like the zoo's primate area, bloody baboons and chimps everywhere. Don't 
whinge at me Whelp, I've seen your sodding mother and it aint pretty" 

"OI! Watch where you drip that sodding milk, whelp. Christ, with that 
muck, anyone would think you were the pregnant one!" 

Apologising, Xander hastily wiped at the dripping bowl of Cheeto's and 
milk. Spike would literally kill him if anything got in the way of a Willow 
shag and himself. Both Angel and Xander had tried to help the bleached blond 
as much as possible but after mucking it up a few times, they had to ask 
Wesley for help with the family tree. The timid ex-watcher had come over three 
times a week, while Willow was out, and had helped with tracking down some of 
the vampire's relatives via the internet. As far as Willow knew, Spike had 
been a good boy and had managed to do all of it by himself so far. 

"Catherine Embsary, that rings a bell" 

"How the hell can it? She was dead before your grandfather was born" 

"No...no, I mean it. I've seen that name somewhere, I'm so sure" 

Growling at the excited brunette, Spike whispered for him to be quiet 
lest Willow come out in one of her snits. Silence descended immediately upon 
the living room as Xander clapped a hand to his mouth, looking nervously over 
his shoulder for the Willow storm to start asking why he had raised his voice. 
Xander continued to look at the long deceased woman's name, he *knew* that he 
had seen that name somewhere before. Spike had told both Angel and him about a 
few of the women he had borne children with, Catherine however, was the one he 
spoke of the most. Catherine had apparently been a noble woman of high 
standing, later marrying another aristocrat after having the issue of her 
child swept under the carpet, an arranged marriage before she could show too 
much. The baby being born early of course. 

"No really...I think I saw her name in something else. But where?" 

Like a thunderbolt out of the blue, Xander paled as he remembered just 
where he had seen the name. A weak snicker as he ignored the protests of an 
annoyed bleached blond, the human pulled out Wesley's family tree. Scanning it 
intently, he slapped at the vampire's grasping hands as the blond leaned 
against the couch. 

"Put it down. If you ruin that, you can bloody well sit listening to the 
ponce lecture about respecting other people's sodding belongings." 

"Uh Spike...do you know the name of the Earl or whatever Catherine 
married?" 

"No and it was a Lord, why?" 

Just as well they were both sitting down, Xander thought. The name was 
burning into his retinas. How the hell did one break this type of news to a 
much neglected vampire? 

Catherine Embsary married Lord Jamieson Whyndham-Pryce. 

Three sons. 

William, Lucian and Thomas. 

Xander traced the lineage on all three sons. Thomas had died a bachelor, 
but that didn't mean he hadn't knocked up one of the maids. Lucian produced 
only girls with his wife, Charlotte, whom in turn had produced a mixture of 
sons and daughters. That didn't mean anything either. Finger trembling, the 
brunette traced the eldest sons lineage right down to the present day 
offspring. Wesley, Jacqui and Jamieson. 

If it was the same woman, then Wesley was Spike's great-great grandson. 
Grandpa Spike. Unable to help himself, Xander snickered, letting them his 
amusement grow to noisy proportions. Gasping, Xander pointed out the names to 
Spike who was growling at him to be quiet. All of a sudden the growls stopped. 
The brunette chanced a look at the bleached blond, his snickers coming to an 
abrupt halt as he heard a thump beside him. 

Spike had fainted. 

the end.