You're all just penises!!!
by TJ

"I'm pregnant" 

"WHAT" 

As one, three males sank down onto the dark blue sofa. Two 
brunettes and one bleached blond stared at the already glowing 
red head infront of them. The silence was broken by Willow 
explaining that her course of antibiotics last month had 
rendered her contreceptive pill ineffective and that since 
Xander never used condoms anymore, it was his baby. 

Punching the air with one fist, the youngest male leapt from the 
couch. The witch grabbed in a hug, both humans screamed in 
delight as Xander whizzed her around the living room. Suddenly 
a booming demand for them to be still, Angel glaring at them 
until they skidded to a halt. 

"Uh, Willow? Did you say last month?" 

"Yep, the doctor definately said that I was just over a month" 

"Oh, my god!" 

Head held between his hands, the oldest vampire sunk as far back 
into the couch as possible. Three voices asked the same 
question, all demanding to know what god had to do with the 
situation. 

"Ah. You know how I was...um. Oh Christ, you *know*?" 

"No, what? Angel, we don't have all night and don't you dare go 
into one of your broods" 

"Fuck! You know how I was really...uh, *horny* last month?" 

Two humans and one vampire started giggling as they all had 
memories of an oversexed Angel running through their heads. 
Last month, the most serious out of the group had been 
unsatiable in his demands for sex. Spike couldn't remember 
being taken so hard ever. At least twice a day, he had been 
thrown down wherever it had been convenient and had his pants 
ripped off. The older vampire hadn't even allowed the blond to 
take off any other clothes. No, it had been basically belt 
unbuckled, zipper down, pants yanked to his knees and bend over. 
Spike had loved it all. 

Except the time Angel hadn't been able to wait for the five 
minutes it would have taken to walk back to the apartment. He 
had been slightly horrified to be dragged out of Giles' house 
and into the bushes in the backyard. The overly aggressive Sire 
had only stopped screwing his Childe when the former watcher had 
turned the garden hose on them. The result had been two half 
naked soaking wet vampires running down the street with rapidly 
wilting cocks. That night, Spike had been happy to recieve both 
a hard fuck and a good arse whipping for phoning the older shop 
keeper and promising him another viewing on the front lawn the 
next night. Needless to say, the vampires were no longer 
welcome for the time being at Casa Giles. 

Basking in that memory, Spike lit up a smoke as he took in the 
expressions on the Whelp and Red. Willow had been taken in 
every room repeatedly that month. Underneath, ontop, missionary, 
standing, bending over, spoon, 69, scissors and some other 
positions that had defied gravity and she was pretty sure one 
defied the space and time continuim that Star Trek always 
babbled about. She had spent one whole weekend chained to the 
guest bed, not that she was complaining but Angel had had such a 
short recovery time, she had wondered if he had accidently drunk 
blood tainted with animal steriods especially after Angel had 
asked to bark a few times. Sighing, she found her hand 
wandering down to her pants, just creeping underneath the shirt 
hanging over them. 

Xander went cross eyed as he remembered the ribbing he had 
gotten at work one day when Angel had suddenly appeared in front 
of him, still slightly smoking from his exposure to the sun. He 
had been in the middle of fixing a faulty exhaust pipe on a 
pretty crappy Hyundi until he had been literally torn away from 
his work by Angel. With cat calls and whistles echoing through 
the large workshop, he had been unable to supress his grin as he 
had been thrown over the taller mans shoulder and carried into 
the spare parts room much to the horror of his boss. He hadn't 
even tried to protest as the taking had been rough, leaving him 
sore but achingly good, the usually neat room in total disarray. 
The only one who had been really pissed off had been the 
secretary who had the hots for Angel from the time she had 
clapped eyes on him. 

His boss had eventually given him the day off after Angel had 
come back twice later on that day, Xanders workmates more 
jealous of him getting regular sex than being disgusted at 
homosexual activities. It had taken Willow, Xander and even 
Spike to persuade Angel not to visit Xander at work again. 
Angel had sit still for about one minute after agreeing to their 
requests before ordering Xander into the bedroom so that Angel 
could make up for 'lost time'. To his credit, Angel didn't 
visit Xanders workshop again much to the humans kinky 
disappointment. However, Angel had insisted on jumping Xander 
the very minute he had driven his car into the apartments 
garage, sometimes not even letting the youth out of his 
seatbelt, how they had managed to have Angels cock up his arse 
while still strapped into the car, was something that 
continually puzzled the boy. He had had to miss one day of work 
when Angel had decided to lock him in the bathroom rather than 
wait for the youth to return from work later that evening. The 
previous month hadn't boded well for Xander's much twisted hips 
and back, not that he was complaining. 

A cough bought them all back to reality as Angel sheepishly 
looked at each one in turn. 

"Don't you sodding well apologise Peaches, we aint interested in 
it. Are we?" 

Heads vigourisly shaken, the slightly panting Willow and Xander 
sat down on the floor infront of their vampire lovers. 

"Ok, your'e sitting down, thats good. Um, Xander might not be 
the father" 

"WHAT?" 

"What the fuck do you mean by that, of course I'm the father. I 
hate to break it to you but your'e sperm is dead. Dead as in 
really cold and refusing to wriggle any where" 

Grimacing at that explaination, Angel swore again, something he 
only did when extremely frustrated. Something that could be 
counted on one hand. 

"When a male vampire reaches the age of around 230, they have a 
very *virile* period once every ten years. Ah...aparantly in 
some cases, if such a vampire manages to leave their human 
'consort' alive after...errr, um" 

"Bloody fuck! What Mr Prudey Dick over there is trying to tell 
you both is that when a vampire reaches a certain age, they can 
duff up a human woman only in that month of total Shaggfest" 

"Which of course is total bullshit as I'm the father not The 
Dead Donger and Mr Yet to go through puberty" 

"WHAT?" 

"Yep, thats right! Me, since the time I was turned, I reckon 
I've sprouted about forty or fifty little sprogs" 

"WHATBULLSHITWHATTHEFUCK?" 

"Hey! Some of us vamps are just naturally fertile. *Some* of us 
don't need a foofy little month of 'shaggfest' to duff up a 
woman" 

Silence descended on the living room. 

"Uh, Angel?" 

"Yes Xander, what?" 

"Is the Bleached Wonder telling the truth?" 

"Unfortunately he is. It's extremley rare for a vampire to be 
interested in consorting with a human, let alone leaving them 
alive after the 'act'. There aren't many recorded cases of it 
happening but it does" 

They all sat quietly taking the information in. A few minutes 
later there was another question. 

"Uh, Angel?" 

"Yes Xander, what is it this time?" 

"If Spike isn't even close to 230, then how can he have kids? 
That is assuming he is telling the truth with that one?" 

"Oi! I bloody well am telling the truth! When it comes to 
brats, you don't sodding well fuck around" 

With a huge sigh and a world weary look on his usually 
expressionless face, Angel told the humans yet another one of 
the many secrets that their kind were able to do. 

"Spike is right. Once every century, there is a male vampire 
turned that is fertile and it looks like my Childe is the one of 
the latest. Now I know why he was always chasing human skirt" 

"Only knew I could whelp a brat when one of my regular shags 
starting showing. Went mental at first, thought she had cheated 
on me. Only calmed down after I couldn't smell any other male 
on her" 

"But forty or fifty?" 

"Yeah, pretty much. Of course thats the tame estimate. Shagged 
lots of women back then. Fascinated I was. Tracked down as 
many shags as it was possible in London. Some had died, a few 
in prison. Quiet a few had just disappeared, couldn't find 
them" 

Spike drifted into silence as he contemplated just where his 
numerous children's offspring were at that moment. He had never 
been one to kill his playmates after a good time, prefering to 
be with them until his interest wandered. Usually it had only 
taken a few weeks for that to happen. As much as he had loved 
Dru, he had been addicted to the warmth the women put out during 
sex. Catherine had been exceptional in the bedroom, the only 
reason he had stuck around long enough to realise she was 
pregnant. It had been a sobering moment and one that had 
changed his whole unlife. When he had realised just how many 
children he had procreated, he had never again touched another 
human woman, sticking to Dru, his Sire and the occasional minion 
or human male, that was of course until he had seen the fire 
headed beauty of Willow. 

"What happened to them?" 

"Dunno Sire. At that time, I really didn't care and I still 
don't. Just funny that a demon who is essentially dead could 
have so many bloody kids. Weird that they all turned out to be 
fully human, well the ones I could find anyway" 

For the first time since Angels little bombshell, Willow opened 
her mouth. She admitted that she was in shock so she tried to 
be as tactful as possible. 

"I hate you all!" 

"WHAT?" 

"Angel, if you knew that was going happen last month then you 
should have used condomns. Spike, you disgust me and you're a 
slut! You too should have used condoms" 

"But..but? You're on the pill? I didn't know the medicine 
would make it go all ooffey" 

All men looked pleadingly at their favourite witch as she stood, 
staring at the bewildered males. She didn't care that they were 
all looking upset, she was the female and she was officially 
pregnant. Only *she* had the right to be upset. She arched her 
eyebrow as Angel started making excuses while she could see 
Spike just about to add his two cents worth. 

"But Willow, I'm not saying that I don't care about the little 
sprog now. It's just back then, I was young and well, you know 
me....always thinking with my dick" 

"I can't believe that you would keep something like that from me 
and Angel, you should have told me about the whole 'shaggfest' 
month. I hate you both!" 

"Xander, your'e a penis and I hate you too!" 

"What the hell did I do wrong?" 

Wondered a puzzled brunette human. He took one look at his best 
friends face and shot over to the other side of the room, 
closely followed by a bleached blond. It was too late for Angel, 
Willow was standing directly infront of him. Hands on hips and 
legs spread in a solid stance, she just stood and stared a 
visibly shrinking former Scourge of Europe. 

"You all do realise just what this makes me don't you?" 

Angel squeaked, coughed and then timidly asked "What?" 

"A unwed 20 something mother who doesn't know who the father of 
her baby is. Thankyou all for being male" 

the end!!