Chapter One: Admission

I don’t know if I can do this, Lou thought. When she’d first caught up with the Kid, she’d been ready to tell him the whole awful truth. But now, with Kid sitting next to her watching her expectantly, Lou’s resolve began to fade. She didn’t think she could stand to see the hurt and pity in his eyes. 

She pulled her feet in closer to her and wrapped her arms around her knees. 
Taking a deep breath, she glanced at Kid and plunged right in. “I met Charlotte shortly after I ran away from the orphanage. Charlotte and me…well, we worked for Wicks in St. Joe. I needed the money pretty badly, hadn’t eaten in days, so Wicks put me to work doin’ laundry. Charlotte, uh, she worked for him at night if 
ya know what I mean.” Lou looked away. Here comes the hard part, she thought. She laughed awkwardly. “God, I was so stupid that it was a few weeks before I ever figured out what kinda place I worked in and why only women lived there.” 

Kid leaned in to catch her gaze. “Hey, you weren’t stupid Lou, just innocent,” he said softly. “We all did stuff durin’ hard times we ain’t all that proud of. Not so bad ya didn’t know. Hell, even I didn’t know about those kinda places when I was that age.” 

Lou glanced at his encouraging smile and her heart broke. God, please don’t let 
him hate me, she pleaded silently. “It gets worse,” she whispered. 

Worse, Kid thought half intrigued and half frightened of the thought. In his mind was a jumble of the possibilities. What if she…? He squelched the thought before 
it formed. It didn’t matter what she’d done in the past. Kid couldn’t imagine his life without her now. Instead of voicing the myriad of questions he had, Kid merely waited for her to continue. A slight frown of concern creased his brow as he realized that whatever it was Lou needed to tell him, she was having a difficult time saying it. How bad can it be, he thought. “Lou, whatever it is, you can tell me,” Kid said placing a hand on her arm. 

Lou opened her mouth to speak and was surprised by the sudden sob that escaped. She felt Kid’s hand on her arm tighten as she closed her eyes, willing the tears away. She swallowed hard against the tightness in her throat. This was so much harder than telling Rachel. Wrapping her arms tighter around herself, Lou’s mind was assaulted by images of that fateful night when her innocence was 
stolen. “Wicks left me be for the most part ‘til about a year later…” 

Kid wasn’t sure he wanted to hear the rest. Part of him knew the rest of the story. He’d watched the emotions flickering in Lou’s face as she relived the moment. For the first time since they’d met over a year before, Kid saw absolute terror on her face. Maybe if she doesn’t say it out loud then it didn’t happen, he thought naively and desperately. He knew that Wicks had been behind it and Kid could already feel the rage beginning to build. “What’d he do to you Lou?” he asked finally, his voice dangerously quiet. Another sob escaped her lips as Lou turned her head away, not wanting him to see the tears that had begun to flow uncontrollably from beneath her tightly closed eyelids. “One night, Wicks c-came to my r-room and he, uh…. I couldn’t get out. He’d locked the door b-behind him…. I tried to fight him but he was too heavy. I was too scared to scream….” Her voice trailed off to barely 
above a whisper. She couldn’t say the words. After four years, she still couldn’t think the words, let alone say them. It was like if she didn’t think about it it hadn’t really happened. 

Kid stared at her unable to believe what she was trying to tell him. With each statement his suspicions had been confirmed and now that the evidence was undeniable…. Oh, God, he thought. If Lou hadn’t gotten hold of Wicks’ gun the 
man could’ve and probably would’ve done it again. Kid closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the tree trunk behind him. “He raped you,” he whispered in horror. He swallowed hard against the bile that surged in his throat. 

Lou flinched at the words and the horror and anger she heard in them. God, what have I done. Damn you Charlotte, why’d you have to show up in Rock Creek? Everythin’ was fine when no one knew what happened or what I was. Now, I probably lost Kid forever. Unable to deny his words and unable to speak, Lou merely nodded slightly and hugged her knees tighter. She wanted nothing more than to curl up into a ball and hide from the world forever. 

At her nod, Kid exhaled in a rush as if he’d been slugged in the stomach. Anger, sorrow, hate, and horror all combined into a tangle of tightness in his chest. It explained so much—why she’d given up her femininity, her mistrust of men, her initial nervousness around him and the way she used to flinch when he touched her, her tears the first night they’d made love, even the strangeness of her behavior since Charlotte had shown up at the barn. What kind of man could do 
such a thing to a little girl? Kid wasn’t so naïve that he didn’t know men did things like that to unprotected women all the time, but a little girl? Unsure of how to act, Kid sat in silence until Lou’s stifled sobs spurred him into action. Slowly he reached out for her. When she didn’t flinch at his touch or pull away from him, he gently pulled her onto his lap and cradled her against his chest as if she were five years old. 

As Lou felt Kid’s arms around her, she gave in totally to the tears she’d held back for four long years. Huge sobs wracked her small frame as tears of shame, guilt, and even relief coursed down her cheeks to pool on Kid’s shirt front. She couldn’t stop crying. It was like a dam had broken somewhere inside her. The lack of 
control over her own body scared her like nothing else and she clung to Kid’s shirt desperately. 

Tightening his arms around her, Kid rocked Lou’s sobbing form back and forth burying his face in her hair. He began to murmur incoherently, his only thought being to comfort Lou. His tears, tears he wasn’t aware he was shedding, began to fall onto her hair. Feeling like a fool, he couldn’t help but cry in the face of her pain—pain he’d never even known she’d been hiding and had been shouldering for so long alone. This woman he admired and loved more than anyone he’d ever known had had her innocence stolen by one act of violence that had changed her life forever. Suddenly Kid understood what it was she dreamed about on those nights when she woke up screaming. 

As Lou’s sobs began to subside, Kid finally found the voice to speak. “I’m sorry, sweetheart,” he choked out knowing she’d forgive him the use of the endearment. “I wish…I wish I could take it all away. I wish I could erase all the hurt he caused and make everything perfect for you, but I can’t. The only thing I can tell you Lou 
is that he’s dead forever. You don’t ever have to be afraid of him again.” Kid 
kissed the top of her head as she snuggled closer with a hiccup. “You don’t ever have to be afraid of anythin’ ever again.” 

“Kid, I’m sorry about losin’ it…” she started weakly. 

“Don’t, Lou,” Kid said quickly. “Don’t be sorry. You needed to let it out. If ya keep stuff like that to yourself and don’t get upset about it, it’ll just fester ‘til you hate everyone and don’t know why. No one would ever think less of you for cryin’ about somethin’ so horrible that happened.” They sat in silence for a while. "Besides Charlotte, who else knows about what Wicks did?” Kid asked softly some time later. 

“Rachel and you, that’s all,” Lou replied her hand absently playing with the button on his collar. 

“You’re tellin’ me that up until two days ago, you’d only ever told one other person?” he asked in shock. Lou merely nodded in response. It’s no wonder she’s been such a mess recently, he thought. Kid couldn’t help the flash of anger that went through him as he thought about Wicks. He hated the man for violating Lou 
to begin with but to scare her so badly that she’d try to cope alone for four years was abominable. 

“Lou,” he said softly. He pulled back and leaned his forehead onto hers looking down into her eyes which were red-rimmed and puffy from her tears. “You don’t have to go through this alone anymore. I’ll help anyway I can, you know that. Please let me help you through this,” he pleaded. “If you want to talk, I’m here, if not that’s okay too. We don’t even have to tell the others if you don’t want.” 

Lou smiled up at him for the first time in days. He understood her embarrassment and was giving her a way out. She looked at him lovingly her heart melting in the face of his compassion and sincerity. “Would you…would you tell the boys for me?” she asked hesitantly. “I know it’s a lot to ask, but they’ll find out sooner or later and I’d rather they knew the truth. I just don’t know if I can tell them myself.” 

Kid honestly didn’t know if he had the strength to tell them either, but he’d fly to the moon for her if she’d asked. “Uh, sure Lou, I’ll tell ‘em.” Kid’s stomach grumbled breaking the stillness and eliciting a soft giggle from Lou. “Hungry?” 

“Guess so,” Kid chuckled. “Figures my own stomach would have to disturb the peace.” 

Lou climbed from Kid’s lap and stood extending a hand to him. She took a deep breath preparing herself to return to the station and face the others and felt a moment of panic. She looked down at the ground in thought. In her mind she 
could see looks of pity and disgust on the faces of the people she loved and trusted most. I couldn’t handle it if they pitied me, she thought. 

Kid saw the uncertainty in her face. He crooked a finger under her chin and tilted it up. “Lou look at me,” he commanded gently. Kid almost laughed when she 
glanced up at his eyes she looked like a little girl about to get in trouble. “The 
boys love you. What happened doesn’t change who you are just like us findin’ out you’re a woman didn’t change how they loved you. And I’ll be right there next to you all night, okay?" He rubbed her shoulder gently. "Feel better?” he asked smiling. 

Impulsively, Lou placed her hands on his broad shoulders and, rising on her toes, kissed his lips quickly. The tips of Kid’s ears turned red in embarrassment. “Thank you,” she whispered. “Have I told you how lucky I feel havin’ you around?” 

“Not lately,” he said with a grin. “But I don’t mind bein’ reminded.” 

“Well I do. I am—very lucky.” 

They stood gazing at each other for a few moments, the spell broken as a bullfrog hopped into the pond. Lou chucked her thumb in the direction of the town they'd left. "Guess we better hustle if we want to eat tonight what with Jimmy and Cody back.” 

Kid chuckled and shook his head in resignation. “Guess so,” he replied gesturing 
for Lou to proceed him towards the tree they'd picketed the horses near. As she grabbed Lightning's reins and stepped closer to mount up, Kid stopped her by placing a hand on her slim shoulder. Lou looked up at him confused as to why he’d stop her. When he didn’t say anything but continued to look expectantly at her, 
she looked down to see one large hand held out toward her. Lou smiled and 
placed her small hand trustingly into his, lacing their fingers together tightly. As they walked hand in hand out of the small grove, Katy and Lightning following, 
Lou was confident that no matter what happens life goes on it may change 
slightly, but life continues whether you want it to or not and Lou would never 
regret trusting Kid with any of her secrets. 
 

Chapter Two: Reactions

The nightmares had returned full force and in much clearer detail then before. Before, there had been only hazy images of pain and terror, making Louise wake 
up drenched in sweat, her heart pounding as if to pump the blood right out of her body. She'd never known she screamed during the occasional dreams until she'd had one that night at the Redfern station with Kid sleeping next to her. Now, the nightmares she had were in perfect recollection of that horrible night but with one change she usually woke screaming for the Kid. Hearing her cries, Kid would 
bound up out of bed, rushing to her side to hold her and rock her to sleep, sometimes even sleeping in her bunk all night. She never really remembered the incidents clearly in her head the next morning, but she knew what happened 
when she woke in Kid's arms or saw his haggard, sleep-drawn face. The others never complained but would go out of their ways to smile at her or place a loving hand on her head or shoulder as they passed at the breakfast table. 

It had been a week since she had told him—a week since he'd told the boys in quiet, clipped tones what Wicks had done to her. They'd been waiting on the front porch for her when she returned from her walk that evening after dinner--all but Kid who'd gone for a ride. 

Jimmy had been physically sick at the news, Lou'd been told. Buck had been the first one to move. With tears in his dark eyes and anger in his heart that another woman he loved would carry the scars of rape, he'd held out his hand and said, "Come here, honey." Buck had held her tight before passing her along to Noah 
and Cody who, for once in his life, was the most serious of them all. Jimmy just held her tight for long moments, not saying a word but kissing her forehead 
gently as he released her. 

Jesse had held back in the shadows, leaning against a porch post, his head down, unable to look at her and unsure what to do. Rachel touched his shoulder and his head shot up to look into her gentle face. Jesse was only fourteen and now the woman he idolized had been the victim of something horrible, something he couldn't imagine a man doing to any woman let alone Louise McCloud. He didn't know how to react. He knew what he longed to do but was afraid of her reaction. 

"Go ahead, Jesse," Rachel said gently. "It's okay to let her know how you feel." 

The boy looked over toward Louise, looking for some sign of welcome, some sign that everything would be okay, that she was the same woman he loved and who loved him. Lou saw the uncertainty in his eyes and held her arms out to him. With 
a sob, Jesse propelled himself into her arms, nearly knocking her over with the force of his hug. He buried his face against her slim shoulder and cried, not caring that the others were watching. "I'm sorry," he whispered as she stroked his hair. "I-I thought you wouldn't love us after this...." he trailed off with a sob. 

Louise didn't try to make sense of Jesse's reaction, but merely tried to reassure him. "It's okay Jesse," she murmured, rocking slightly. Instinctively, she knew he was afraid she was going to leave out that she'd hate them all because they were men. "I ain't goin' anywhere. And how could you think I wouldn't love you! It was 
a long time ago, but everythin's gonna be fine now. Everythin's gonna be fine." 

They'd gone back in the bunkhouse then to munch on Rachel's sugar cookies and coffee and to talk. Once everything was out in the open, it was easier to talk about and Lou actually found herself eager to talk and answer questions, no matter how personal, feeling better each time she did so. She continued to talk about the rape whenever it came up during the following week. It wasn't long before the incident had ceased to be of importance and just became a part of Lou's past--a part of her. 

If Lou was eager to talk about what happened, to deal with it and put it behind 
her, Kid was exactly the opposite. He refused to talk about it and would leave the room if the subject came up. He wasn't sleeping well. How could he when he was rushing to her side to hold her every time he heard her murmur in her sleep, Lou thought. That was another thing--Kid only touched her at night when he was soothing away the nightmares. When morning came, he left her bunk without a word and didn't touch her at all during the day. Louise knew he longed for her. She could see the desire in his eyes when she caught him unaware as he watched her. And God only knew how much she wanted him. They spoke, but not about the rape or their relationship. Kid refused to argue with her about anything even when she deliberately picked fights just to see the lightning flash in his blue eyes again. Things were tense and strained between them and she wasn't sure if she wanted 
to kill him or tear his clothes off. Either way, Lou felt like he was slipping away 
from her and she didn't know how to bring him back. 

"I'm losing him, Rachel and I don't know what I did. I don't know how to fix this," she said in sorrow and frustration, pausing to sip her coffee before folding the 
shirt in her lap and placing it on Noah's pile of clothes on the bunkhouse table. 

"He still hasn't talked has he?" Rachel asked, thoughtfully. 

Lou looked at her friend, hearing an interesting tone in her voice. "No, why? Has something happened? Did he talk to you?" she asked anxiously. "Rachel, you 
know something that you ain't tellin' me." 

Rachel sighed knowing she couldn't lie to Louise anymore. "Yesterday when you came back and the bunkhouse was a mess, I told you Cody and Jesse had been horsin' around?" At Lou's nod, she continued. "It wasn't Cody and Jesse...it was Kid." 

"Kid was horsin' around?" Lou asked, hope shining in her dark eyes. Maybe things are getting better, she thought. 

The blond woman shook her head. "Jesse was tryin' to help. He was tellin' Kid that sometimes talkin' 'bout things helps. Well, Kid blew up at him and pushed the 
table over before stompin' out." 

Lou's brown eyes widened in shock and amazement. "He pushed the table over? Wait, Kid never gets that angry. He never loses control like that because it 
reminds him of his pa." 

"Well, he did," Rachel sighed. "We didn't wanna tell you this Lou, but Kid...well, 
Kid just hasn't been himself lately. Oh, I know he's been wonderful to you, but he's been pickin' fights with everybody, even Teaspoon. And this isn't the first time 
he's lashed out. That cut on his hand, well he got that after throwing a glass a couple days ago." 

Louise couldn't believe they'd kept all this from her--and so well. She couldn't believe she hadn't seen it. He told me he'd cut his hand on some barbed wire fencin' out on the trail. He's lyin' to me again, she thought, hurt. 

Rachel could see the hurt aimed at the Kid in Lou's eyes. She reached over and grabbed the younger woman's hand to get her attention. "Louise, I don't think 
any of this is intentional. I think this whole thing has bothered him more than he lets on and he doesn't know exactly how to deal with it." 

"But I don't understand Rachel!" Lou replied in vehement frustration as she threw 
a towel back into the laundry basket between them. "He won't touch me, he won't talk to me. He's pulling away--shutting me out--and he's never done that before. We've always been able to talk even when we weren't together. It's like he 
doesn't trust me or blames me or somethin'." 

Rachel took a sip of her tea before responding, giving her time to think of a response. Her heart broke for the young couple who'd gone through so much to 
be together, but she was determined not to tell them what to do. They had to find their own way through the labyrinth and all she could do was act as a guide. "It's not you he's angry with. I think Kid's angry at himself--angry that he's hurt and upset and there's no end for him. See, when you held that gun on Wicks, when 
you had more power than he did, and then he died, it was the end of years of 
horror for you. Kid found about all this after Wicks was already gone. He can't go out and hold him up at gunpoint, he can't see him brought to trial because the man's dead. The Kid shares all those feelin's you had because he loves you, but there's nothin' he can do to end it all. He refuses to take it out on you, so he takes it out on everyone else." 

"I wish he'd just yell at me and get it all over with," Lou sighed. She closed her eyes and swallowed hard to avoid the tears brewing in her eyes--tears that seemed to be so much closer to the surface these days. "I just wish things could go back to the way they were. We were just getting things back together when Charlotte showed up. I miss him so much, Rachel. I don't wanna lose him. I can't lose him again." 

Standing, Rachel crossed to Lou and smiled as the younger woman wrapped her arms around Rachel's waist, laying her head against the stationmistress' bosom. 
"I know you do, honey," Rachel said softly, stroking Louise's auburn hair. "I know you do." 
 

Chapter Three: Angry Consequences

Lou woke with a start, her elbow sliding off her knee and causing her head to fall forward. She opened her eyes with a groan to find a pair of weary, worried blue eyes staring back at her. 

"What are you doin' sleepin' in that chair?" Kid asked, kneeling in front of her as close as he could without touching her. 

His nearness unnerved Lou. It was the closest they'd been during the day since 
the afternoon she'd told him about Wicks. Her stomach fluttered and it was all she could do not to trail her fingers down his cheek. "I woke up last night and couldn't sleep so I decided to sit up and do some thinkin'. I guess I fell asleep sittin' here," she said quietly, her voice low and husky from sleep. 

There was hurt in his voice as he responded, "Why didn't you wake me up if you had another nightmare?" 

"I thought I'd let you sleep. You've been workin' yourself ragged," she said defensively, not at all liking the demanding tone in his voice. She hated feeling like a child needing Kid to chase away the monsters before she could sleep. 

"Lord knows you could use the sleep." 

Kid stood and swung around toward the voice. The other riders had awakened by this time and were trying to dress without getting involved. They watched as Kid glared at Jesse who was trying to be brave in the face of Kid's considerable wrath. "And just what's that supposed to mean," Kid ground out between tight jaws. He approached the boy, his arms at his sides, and watched as Jesse began to back away from him, fear on his young face. 

Jesse squared his own jaw and stood straight as he felt the bunk frame ram against his back. "Just seems to me that if Lou wanted your help she'd ask for it." 

Noah closed his eyes resignedly at the remark. 

Jimmy put his head in his hands and leaned against his bunk. Now he's done it, he thought. Jesse's gonna die.

Even Cody groaned at Jesse's stupidity. "Been nice knowin' ya, Jess," he muttered. 

Kid's eyes narrowed and he moved closer. "Ya know, I've just about had it with 
you buttin' in where you don't belong...." 

Jimmy grabbed Kid's arm in an effort to make him see reason. "Ah, let 'im be Kid. Jesse don't mean nothin' by it, he's just worried 'bout you two." 

Jimmy's hand was shrugged off roughly as Kid swung his head in Jimmy's 
direction. "You too. Just shut the hell up, Hickok," he warned. "I told ya before, what goes on between Lou and me is between Lou and me and ya'll need to just butt out!" 

Lou, sensing an out of control confrontation brewing, jumped up from her chair 
and crossed to swing Kid around to face her. "They're just tryin' to help, Kid. That don't give you any cause to be nasty," she snapped. 

Kid closed his eyes, his chest heaving with the deep breaths he was taking to try and control the anger rising up. He'd been like this for over a week. Something would happen and trigger this thing he became, full of anger and hurt--so much so that he lashed out at anything he could lay his hands on. "Please just let it be, Lou," he pleaded turning back to face Jesse. 

"No! I will not 'just let it be'," Lou shouted, her patience with his childish behavior at its limit. "I don't know what's goin' on with you Kid but this ain't like you and 
this assinine, mean behavior has got to stop!" 

Something inside of Kid snapped and he whirled around to face her. "Fuck you, Lou!" he bellowed vehemently. 

No one breathed as the words rang out. Jesse's blue eyes were round as saucers, the other riders' jaws dropped in shock and surprise. Lou's brown eyes were wide as she stared at the man before her. She had no idea who the man was or what he'd done with her gentle, loving Kid, but this man, his face contorted in anger, scared her. Her heart ceased to beat as she saw the fists clenched at his sides. Dragging her shocked gaze back to his hard blue eyes, she watched his face crumble as she took a step back away from him. 

For one second, Kid could swear he heard his father's voice bellow his traditional drunken, "Fuck you!" As the haze over his vision cleared, he saw the petite 
woman in front of him, still clad in her longjohns, and the horror of what he'd done came over him. It had been his voice yelling those horrible, hated words at Louise--his Louise, the woman who was his love, his life. Kid's hands quickly released and he reached out for her. "Oh, God, Lou. I'm s-...." 

Lou saw the hand reaching for her and unconsciously backed away from him even further. Kid saw the hurt and fear in her dark eyes--fear of him, that he'd actually hurt her--and he broke off his apology in mid-word. They both stared at the hand between them. 

Always the first to find his tongue, Cody broke the tense silence. "Jesus, Kid! I didn't even think you knew that word," he said, his shock stripping away any reservations or sense of propriety. 

Kid looked toward the blond rider then back at Lou. She was still staring at him but now her eyes began to fill and she fell limply back into the chair she'd slept in with a loud sob. What have I done, Kid thought. Oh, God, what have I done? Despite everything he'd done in his life to prevent it, he'd become that thing he hated most--he'd become his father. Still staring at Lou, his vision of whom was rapidly blurred by tears, Kid slowly backed out of the bunkhouse, fumbling with the latch on the door in his hurry to get out. Once outside he ran, not caring or seeing where he went but the phantom he struggled to outrun ran with him. 

The door latched with an ominous click. The finality of that sound made Lou sob harder in hurt and despair. 

"What the hell just happened here?" Buck asked confusedly as he snapped out of the trance-like state he'd been in. "Was that the Kid? Did he really say...?" 

Noah nodded silently. He sighed in defeat and sat at the table, his head in his hands. That was not the Kid we know, he thought sadly. 

Jesse was shaken by the incident and partially blamed himself for what happened. He shouldn't have said anything, but the words were out before he'd even realized he was thinking them. "Guess, it's all finally caught up with him, huh?" he said quietly. "I'm sorry, Lou." When she didn't respond, he quickly dressed and slipped out the back door. 

Lou was trying unsuccessfully to control her sobs, hating that they were all watching her cry. "D-don't b-be m-mad at h-him. I-it ain't his f-fault," she hiccupped. 

"Don't make excuses for 'im, Lou," Jimmy said, his voice soft but hard. He'd knelt next to her chair and was rubbing her shoulder in comfort. "We've all tried to help but he just don't want it." His own frustration at his friend's despondence and actions evident in his eyes. 

"But he didn't mean it, I know it!" Lou insisted. "He needs us. I need him." 

"I know," Hickok replied softly. "And we need him, but he's gonna have to come to us on his own. Right now, I think you need a nap. Come on, sweetheart. Let's go over to Rachel's and get you some tea and some real rest." He gently picked her 
up out of the chair and made his way to the door. 

"I'll take your run, Lou," Buck offered as they passed. He smiled encouragingly 
and touched her hair as she laid her head on Jimmy's shoulder. "Don't worry about a thing. Just get some sleep, okay?" 

The other watched them go silently. "Shouldn't someone go after Kid?" Cody 
asked as he sat at the table. "Ya know he didn't look too good when he left. One 
of us oughta make sure he don't do nothin' stupid." 

"You volunteering, Cody?" Buck asked sarcastically. 

Cody squirmed a bit and looked down at a knot on the wooden table. Nah, Buck. 
I'd just mess it up," he said seriously. 

Noah looked up. "I'll go," he said getting up from the table. "Tell Lou I'll bring him back." 
 

Chapter Four: Guilt

He'd never felt so helpless and angry and miserable before. He hated himself for what he'd done, hated the person he'd suddenly become. The tears had dried to 
be replaced by a nausea he couldn't get rid of, only surpassed by the pain in his chest. Kid stood shakily, unable to see the beauty of the pond, the trees surrounding it, or the wildflowers growing in the grass at his feet. Restlessly, he began to pace back and forth in front of the tree he'd been sitting beneath, his anger at himself growing with each step. How could he? How could he say those words to anyone let alone Lou? I promised her I'd never hurt her and then I say that, he thought bitterly. I'm no different than every other man she's ever known. Panting from his fierce pacing, he stopped and picked up a stone the size of a baseball from the ground. Kid hefted the rock, holding it briefly before launching it across the pond with all his might. 

"Pretty impressive throw there, Kid." 

Kid dashed around at the voice, his chest still heaving from his exertion. 

Noah stood a few paces off, watching as Kid's initial anger at being interrupted melted into a mixture of guilt and fear. Exhaling in a heavy sigh, Kid slowly sank back down to the ground, his back against the tree. "How'd ya find me?" he asked softly. 

Noah approached slowly and sank next to his friend, the Kid refusing to make eye contact .The dark-skinned rider gave a shrug. "Lou once told me this was your thinkin' tree. Figured it was a good guess when I didn't find you in Katy's stall." 
He looked around taking in the landscape. "Can't blame ya though. It's pretty peaceful here." Kid didn't reply but instead began to nervously pick at the long grass around him. "She don't hate you, ya know and neither do we. It's been hard on all of us, you probably the worst. I just thought maybe you'd like to talk to someone who's sat where you do." 

Kid's ears perked up at the comment. He looked over at Noah out of the corner of his eyes, questioning. 

"Cassie," Noah answered. 

"I'd forgotten about her," Kid said as he remembered the Negro woman and her brother who'd run the town laundry. "How long's she been gone?" 

Noah sighed and gave a half grin. "Twenty-nine days. I'm supposed to stop in and see her on my run to Seneca next week." He was encouraged by the small smile Kid couldn't hide. "Listen to me. I sound as bad as Cody," Noah laughed. 

When Cassie had gotten the opportunity to help teach at a free-black school in Seneca, it had been too good an opportunity to pass up. The job came with a half decent salary and a place to live. Noah had told her to take the position because it would mean a better life for her and her brother. He loved her, he missed her, but he'd learned that loving someone meant you put them first. However, Noah 
hadn't come to talk about him and Cassie. 

"What's goin' on with you Kid?" he asked. "What are you really thinkin' about?" 

There was a slight snort of laughter from beside him. "You sound like Lou," Kid 
said sadly. "Can't ever pull anythin' over on her." 

"Well, she's a smart lady. It helps that she loves you and knows you so well." 
Noah paused, deciding on another tactic. "Ya know when Cassie told me what happened I was so angry at myself. I thought I shoulda been there, that I shoulda seen it comin' somehow and been there to protect her, but there was nothin' I coulda done. My daddy always taught me that God had a plan and a purpose for everythin'. I just couldn't see the reason why Cassie'd had to go through 
somethin' like that after the life she'd had. I was mad at God for allowin' it, I was mad at the man who did it, and I was mad at myself for not preventin' it. Problem was, I never realized all this for a while. I just had all this anger and hurt and hate inside me just waitin' to bubble up to the surface. Wasn't long before little things started settin' me off like a powder keg. I chopped a hell of a lot of wood, wasted 
a lot of lead, and went through enough bottles and cans to open my own general store," Noah laughed. 

He looked at Kid sitting silently next to him. The Kid's blue eyes stared out at the pond, but Noah knew he was listening. "Ya remember when I broke those two fingers on my left hand? Well, I did that punchin' a tree." Noah flexed the aforementioned fingers. "Gotta admit it wasn't the smartest thing I ever done. I snapped at Ike too for no reason one day in front of Rachel and Lou. Well you 
know those two. They didn't stop 'til they'd got me talkin' about everythin'. As I talked to them, they helped me see what it was I was really angry about. It 
wasn't what Ike'd done or said, it was about what happened to Cassie and the 
fact that I'd been stupid to try and handle it all alone." 

A few moments of silence followed Noah's last statement and he could see Kid honestly thinking over what he'd said. "I don't rightly know where to start," came Kid's quiet response. His anxious fingers had plucked a whole pile of grass as he'd listened to his friend confide in him. "But I don't know what's happenin' to me and 
I can't...I can't do this by myself anymore." 

"Hey, that's what I'm here for," Noah said. "Just start talkin' about anythin'. It'll come out once ya start." 

Kid sighed. "I've become my pa," he said in a rush. At Noah's questioning look, he continued. "Growin' up I swore on everythin' holy I could think of that no woman would ever look at me the way my ma looked at Pa. But it didn't help. I promised her, Noah," Kid said, turning desperate guilt-filled eyes toward his friend. "I promised Lou when we first got together that I'd never, ever hurt her and I did. When I said those words...When I said those god awful words, I heard my pa's voice comin' outta my mouth. I saw Lou get that look in her eyes like I was gonna hit her." 

Noah placed a comforting hand on Kid's shoulder. "You were just angry and tired. Everyone knows you've never hit anythin' man or beast for no reason. You just don't have it in you." 

"Don't I? Lou thought so. I saw it in her eyes. She backed away from me. God, I 
just proved to her that I ain't no better than every other man she's ever known!" Kid cried, bringing his hands up to grind away imminent tears beneath the heels 
of his palms. 

"The important thing is to find out why you said those things. Why were you so angry you said them?" 

"Jesse was meddlin'." 

"Bullshit, Kid," Noah said not unkindly, feeling for all the world like a teacher trying to prompt an answer from an intelligent child that just doesn't get it. "What's the real reason you've been angry this last week?" 

Kid's jaw hardened and his hand balled up into a fist as it lay on the ground beside him. "Wicks," he ground out, "and what he did to Lou." 

"Close. How about what he did to you?" Noah asked. 

"He didn't...." 

"Kid," Noah said patiently, "there's one thing you gotta learn about lovin'. It's like ripples in a pond when you throw a stone in. Each stone causes ripples, each 
ripple affects the one before it and after it. When something happens to one of 
you, it happens to the both of you. Wicks didn't just steal Lou's innocence from 
her. He stole it from you too." 

There was no reply as Kid thought long and hard about the idea, unconsciously tossing another stone into the pond and demonstrating the effect Noah had been talking about. Noah ducked his head, trying to catch Kid's eye and knowing his 
next statement may cause his friend to blow up at him. "I think what you're really angry about is findin' out that you weren't Lou's first." 

Kid turned his head sharply to glare angrily at Noah. "That ain't none of your business," he growled and Noah knew he'd hit the heart of the matter. 

Something about the action struck Noah as strange. He couldn't quite put his 
finger on it yet but he knew there was more. "Now you know I ain't pryin' into you and Lou's private lives and you know you can trust me, Kid. I'm not quite sure 
how to ask this delicately, but, uh, didn't you know she wasn't...?" he trailed off suggestively. 

"No," came the soft, flat reply. 

Ah, Noah thought, now I understand. Things are startin' to make sense now. His dark eyes softened as he gazed at Kid's tense form. "She was your first, wasn't she?" he said softly. "What you're really upset about is that she was your first and you weren't hers." 

Noah nearly smiled as the tips of Kid's ears flushed pink. "I-It ain't just that exactly," he stammered defensively. He wished to God he'd stop blushing so furiously. "I hoped I was, but kinda figured I couldn't be. A girl pretty as Lou is....
I figured she had to have been in love at least once before me. Someone musta swept her off her feet. 'Course she never did want to talk about the past all that much." 

"I ain't exactly followin' ya Kid." 

"Ugh! Why can't I talk about this?" Kid moaned, throwing his head back against 
the tree in frustration. He and Lou talked about sex openly all the time, well between the two of them anyway. Why in the world was he finding it so hard to 
talk about with Noah without blushing and getting all tongue-tied? "I woulda been her first if Wicks hadn't raped her," he finally spit out in frustration. "He stole her right to give that part of herself to whoever she wanted. It wouldn't bother me so much if Lou'd given herself to someone she loved first. I could just figure it was in the past and be done with it. But Wicks took the...the chance for me to be that man." 

Noah nodded in understanding. "He took away something that should've been yours." 

"No! Yes," kid admitted in defeat. It sounded so petty when said aloud. "And I can see in her eyes she feels guilty that she wasn't...innocent that first night we were together. She thinks...she thinks I see her in a worse light now that I know and 
that ain't true. She's the most incredible woman I've ever known, Noah. I'm just speechless now that I know what she's gone through, how strong and amazing 
Lou really is." 

"She's worried about you," Noah said softly, tossing a stick into the water. "She feels like you're pullin' away from her because you won't talk to her about this. Rachel said she thinks she's losin' you." 

"She'll never forgive me for what I did this mornin'. And I don't think she should. Lord knows, I wouldn't forgive me if I were her." 

"You two need to talk and you need to let her decide to forgive you or not. Besides," Noah said with a smile, "I told her I'd bring ya back. You don't want me 
to break my promise now do ya?" 

They sat in companionable silence for a time just watching the dragonflies and listening to the birds and bullfrogs around the pond. Kid turned toward Noah, a 
half smile on his face, his eyes showing a measure of peace that hadn't been there before. "Thanks, Noah." 

The dark rider merely smiled in return and clapped a hand on his friend's shoulder. They were an interesting pair--Noah, a freed black man and Kid, a southern boy from the slave-owning state of Virginia. They'd come a long way from the first 
day they met. "Any time, Kid. You can pay me back by comin' back with me and puttin' a smile on that little girl's face." 

Kid couldn't help but smile at what Lou's reaction would've been to hear herself called a "little girl". "I can't promise anythin'." 

"Then don't. Just you showin' up oughta be enough."
 

Chapter Five:Absolution

Cody and Jimmy were sitting beneath the shade of the bunkhouse porch as Noah and Kid returned. The two stood, Hickok watching warily through narrowed eyes 
as the other two dismounted. Kid stood holding Katy's reins, not quite able to look his friends in the eye. 

"So, Noah," Cody drawled out cautiously, "is this the Kid you brung back with ya or is this that other fella from this mornin'?" 

Kid looked straight at the blond rider's crystal blue eyes, a determined look--the look of a condemned man resigned to his fate--was on his face. 

"It's me Cody. Look you two, I'm...." 

"Hey, Kid!" Cody greeted him enthusiastically with a grin and a hearty handshake. "Where ya been? Missed ya the last few days or so." Sometimes, Cody shocked them all with his sensitivity to a situation. His greeting had been perfect; it not 
only let kid know he was forgiven, but also allowed Kid to keep his dignity. Cody knew that nothing they could say could be worse than what Kid was telling himself. 

As Kid turned toward the man he called his best friend, the only man more protective of Lou than he was, he saw no accusation or anger in Hickok's brown eyes. "Jimmy..." he began huskily only to be interrupted. 

"Forget about it," Jimmy said gripping his friend's hand tightly. "But if you ever make her cry again, I swear to god it'll be the last thing you ever see. You got that?" He said the vow with a smile but Kid knew he was serious. "She's over at Rachel's." 

Kid swallowed hard, a shadow of fear crossing his eyes. "How is she?" he asked. Oh, God how do I face her, he thought. 

"She finally cried herself out," Cody said softly as if he were afraid to wake her even though the house stood a good three hundred feet away. He laughed briefly shaking his head. "She was more upset that you hadn't come back than...." 

"Go see her, Kid," Noah urged. "I'll take care of Katy. This is more important." 

"Thanks Noah," Kid replied. His hands sunk into his pockets, he made his way nervously over to Rachel's two-story house. The others watched as he knocked softly before entering. 

Jimmy sighed as Kid disappeared into the house. "What are we gonna do with those two?" he asked to no one in particular. 

"Well, at the rate they're goin', they'll either live happily ever after or kill each other before nightfall," Cody said grinning. The laughter that followed did much to ease the trio's own tensions over the past week. 
 
 

She slept for about twenty minutes after Jimmy left before waking and beginning 
to worry and pace. As much as Kid's words had hurt her, she knew it was much worse for him. He hated himself; she could see that as well as the hurt and fear before he'd run out of the bunkhouse, before she could say anything to him. She'd paced off and on all afternoon and drunk a whole pot of Rachel's chamomile tea before plopping down on the settee to stare out the window and nervously bite her fingernails. Lou knew the images and memories that must have resurfaced for him this morning-the drunken fits of rage, the beatings he took trying to protect his mother's fragile body. Kid had told her all about them the night after Doritha's funeral. She'd often wondered if he'd even realized how much he'd told her that night in his need to talk and remember. In his horror over his actions, Lou feared more with each passing minute that he'd done something rash and stupid. 

She'd nearly passed out in relief when she saw Katy's familiar splotches trotting beside Noah's horse as they approached. Lou jumped as she heard the soft knock at the front door. 

"Lou? You in there?" 

Oh, God, he sounds so scared, she thought. She opened her mouth to answer but nothing came out. Let him call the shots, a small voice in her head said. 

He must have decided to chance it when she didn't answer. He walked in, his footsteps loud in the quiet house. Lou couldn't help but smile as he bypassed the front room entirely and walked upstairs not seeing her. 

"Lou?" he called softly. The guest room door squeaked as he entered, looked around, and headed back for the stairs. 

I thought Jimmy said she was sleepin', Kid thought, confused and concerned as he descended the stairs. The bed in Rachel's guest room looked like it'd been slept in but it was currently empty. 

When he stepped off the last step, the feeling of being watched pricked at the hair at the back of his neck. Kid looked up from the floor and stopped cold. There she was, sitting on the settee looking at him, her eyebrows raised in a slightly amused expression, the light from the window creating a soft haze around her. He didn't deserve her, especially after what he'd said. Not knowing what to do or say, he said nothing--did nothing but stare at her 

It was Lou who broke the silence, her voice shaky with emotion. "Where've you been? I was worried," she said softly. 

"You were?" 

"Of course I was," she insisted. "I was afraid you was hatin' yourself so much 
you'd do something rash." 

A light came into Kid's softening eyes. Lou could've sworn it was hope—as if he'd gained a last minute pardon on his way to the gallows. "Would it make much difference if I did?" he ventured. 

She looked at him as if he'd gone completely daft. How could he ask that? 
"'Course it does!" she exclaimed. "I love you." 

"I didn't think you would after...." Kid broke off, his face crumbling in pain as he took a hesitant step forward. 

Lou smiled lovingly at him and opened her arms. "Come 'ere," she whispered. 

Staring at her, he made his way to the settee. He fell to his knees in front of her and buried his face in her lap, wrapping his arms around her waist, before the 
tears could course down his cheeks. "I'm sorry," he said, the words muffled against her. "Oh, God Lou, I so sorry." He repeated it over and over like a mantra. 

Lou's own tears fell on his head as she gently stroked his hair. "Shh. It's okay. You're not like him, Kid," she soothed. "You're nothing like him. I know you'd 
never hurt me. You were just hurt and angry. You're nothing like him." 

Kid just clung to her, his arms wrapping tightly around her waist like a drowning child clinging to his lifeline. Lou rocked and soothed and stroked his hair all the while repeating how much she loved him. She bent slightly at the waist, nuzzling her cheek against his warm back, his shoulders still shaking with silent sobs that tore at Lou's heart. When he'd settled down, Lou raised his eyes to hers and 
smiled warmly. Taking his hand, she lay back against the wide cushions, pulling him unresisting with her. They lay together, his head cushioned against her breasts, arms wrapped around her. Lou kissed the top of his head as he nestled himself into the hollow of her neck. She wrapped her arms and legs around him so that she surrounded him protectively. It wasn't long before he fell into an exhausted sleep with Lou humming softly to him. 

Lou herself dozed until she heard the front door open. Rachel poked her headin to find the two of them wrapped around each other, the Kid sound asleep. "Louise?" she asked, her look asking if everything was all right. 

"Shh," Lou hushed her friend, a finger to her lips. "We're okay. He's sound asleep." And for some strange reason, Lou felt no embarrassment at the way Rachel had found them. Kid needed her and that was all she cared about. 

Rachel nodded, a soft smile on her face. "Well, supper'll be ready in about an hour. I'll let you wake him. "With that she left the two alone to do their own healing. 

Kid woke half an hour later from a dreamless sleep to find himself comfortably ensconced in Lou's arms. She must have known he was awake because she asked, "Are you hungry? Rachel and the others are gettin' ready for supper over at the bunkhouse." 

He looked up and noticed the lowered light level in the room. "Only if you're comin' with me," he murmured sleepily. 

She kissed his forehead gently. "Yeah, I'm comin' with ya." 

Rising from the settee, Lou smiled as she ran her fingers through his rakish hair, straightening it before handing Kid his hat from the floor where he'd dropped it. 
Lou held her hand out for him and he gripped it hard as they left the house and walked the few feet to the bunkhouse. 

Kid was subdued throughout supper but the old light was back in his eyes. He and Lou sat close. Halfway through dinner, Lou felt him grab her hand beneath the table clutching it tightly and pulling it into his lap. A look passed between them 
and Lou blushed at the emotions she saw there--love, compassion, contentment, desire, gratitude, they were all there and more. 

She squeezed his hand in reassurance knowing they'd make it through this. It would take a long time before either of them was fully healed, but at least they'd taken a step in the right direction. 
 

Chapter Six:  Coping

A few days later, Lou, Buck, and Cody were in the coral working with a pair of 
newly broken mustangs.  All of the riders were expected to take turns breaking 
and working with the station's new acquisitions.  Once the boys had broken a 
horse in, Lou and one of the others did the training.  it wasn't enough that a horse be broken to saddle, the horse must also be thoroughly trained before it was any use as a Pony Express mount.  This training was something Lou had shown great aptitude for even before Teaspoon had known she was a woman.  She'd always 
felt more comfortable on the training end of things than the breaking and after 
her secret was out, the elderly station master had refused to even let her think about breaking.

And what a woman she is, the gray-haired marshal thought proudly as he 
watched the petite rider's expert control over her struggling mount.  The horse 
was a fiesty thoroughbred at least three times her size.  But Lou possessed an infinite patience and incredible instincts when it came to training horses. 
Teaspoon smiled as he imagined her standing before him a year ago when he'd thought her a scrawny boy, her hair much shorter as she hid behind the wire-rim glasses that gave her a sort of owlish look.  Ain't a horse I can't train, she'd said matter of factly and it turned out to be the truth.  Despite the protectiveness and worry each of the men felt for her, Teaspoon knew Louise McCloud was the most skilled rider he had.  She was like his daughter and it pained him to no end to know what had happened to cause her to masquerade as a man for five years.  She sure ain't gonna be happy with you, Hunter, he thought wryly as he stepped onto the bunkhouse porch. 

"Cody, Buck, rider up!" he called. 

Both men looked toward him before leaving the corral to join Teaspoon on the porch, Cody with a relieved smile. Ridin's better than spendin' all day in the sun trainin' those stubborn horses, he thought.  Cody threw Lou a jaunty salute. 
"Sorry to leave ya with all the work, Lou, but you heard Teaspoon.  I gotta run.  Looks like these boys are all yours," he grinned. 

"Yeah, like you were doin' any of the work anyway," she tossed back.  Lou 
watched him jog over to the bunkhouse, her eyes narrowing as she remembered that she and Kid were actually up next.  Suspicious, she quickly dismounted and strode toward the porch catching tidbits of the men's conversation about an army shipment of maps and wanted posters to be picked up in Fort Kearney.  Kid sat near the door silently peeling potatoes and refusing to meet her eyes as she approached. 

"Teaspoon, me and Kid were up next," she protested, her arms crossed and a scowl appearing on her face.  "I know what this is about and I told you both," she glared at the Kid, "that I'm fine!" 

Teaspoon put up both hands defensively, as if this five-foot, hundred-pound spitfire would actually hit him.  "I know what you said, Lou, but sweetheart, ya been through a lot the past few days.  I just think that maybe you jumpin' right back into work is movin' a bit too fast."  He placed a fatherly hand on her thin shoulder as he saw her determined look.  "All right, I've got an idea," he sighed, knowing better than to fight her Scotch-Irish temper.  "You and Kid's got the run, but there's no need for you to hurry back.  Take a couple days off while you're there.  Ya both been workin' real hard and deserve some time together without these big ears and mouths eavesdroppin' on your conversations." 

He gestured toward Cody whose grin melted a beat later as he realized that Teaspoon meant him.  "Hey!  I ain't that bad," he protested.  The others chuckled.  "'Sides, if those two would whisper, no one could overhear them." 

Buck grabbed hold of Cody's chin, and in a fair impression of Rachel replied, "Well, 
I believe it's kinda hard not to hear somebody when you've got your ear pressed against the door young man!" 

"I heard that Buck Cross!" came the housekeper's reply from within the building where she was fixing lunch. 

"As I was sayin'," Teaspoon interrupted.  "You two can head out as soon as you're ready."  With that he began the walk back to his office. 

Buck chuckled at the confused and disappointed look on Cody's face.  "Looks like we get to go back to work, Cody," he said. 

The blonde rider bit back a sarcastic reply.  He merely sighed heavily shaking his head as he started toward the corral again.  "Have fun you two," he tossed over 
his shoulder glumly.  A thought occurred to him and Cody turned around grinning lasciviously.  "But not too much fun.  You don't wanna spend the whole time in the hotel room!" 

Lou merely rolled her eyes before entering the bunkhouse to gather her things.  When Kid didn't follow, she assumed he'd gone to ready Katy.  Things were back to normal between the two of them, complete with Kid's protectiveness showing up, but they weren't that back to normal yet.  There was no denying that the desire was there between the two of them, as hot and heady as ever.  However, something made them both hold back.  Sure they kissed and teased and fooled around every chance they got, but they had yet to actually go back to making love. 

Secretly, she was grateful for the time off.  However, she was a bit ambivalent about spending her offtime with Kid at this point.  I just got this feelin' that Kid was behind that little stunt Teaspoon just tried to pull, she thought wearily.  She couldn't decide whether or not to be angry at him, Cody's comment still ringing in her head.  Thinking about the implications, she decided to just forgive the Kid and focus on enjoying their first joint run since they'd gotten back together.  Smiling, she folded the dress she held, rolling it into her bedroll.  Half an hour later, they were on their way. 
 
 
 

Giggling like a pair of children, Kid and Lou dashed through the hotel lobby and straight up the stairs to their room, both soaked to the skin.  They'd actually gone to dinner as a couple for the first time in a long time.  Lou had even taken the time to dress up and everything had felt almost normal, as if they were any other courting couple in the world.  The only differences being that there was no overprotective father awaiting them with a shotgun, they were sharing a room, and in a few days Lou would return to her masculine masquerade.  They'd been walking around the town after dinner when the torrential downpour had begun and chased them indoors.  Lou immediately sat on the bed and discarded her shoes and stockings. 

"Good thing someone already started a fire in here," Kid said tossing his drenched hat and jacket on a chair.  "You've gotta be freezing."  He kicked off his boots and placed them on the hearth to dry. 

Not one to overlook a romantic opportunity when it came, Lou had turned her back on him and pulled her hair aside so he could help her with the small row of buttons down her back.  She couldn't help but smile as his warm fingers brushed against her skin.  "Hmm.  And here I thought you'd want to help warm me up," she replied archly. 

Kid's fingers paused for just a beat before continuing. He leaned in close to her ear.  "Is that an offer Miss McCloud?" he asked huskily.  The last button loosened, Kid's arms wrapped around her tiny waist warm and secure, his low comment bringing goosebumps to her arms that he immediately rubbed away. 

"Are you accepting?" Lou ventured.  She pulled out of his arms and turned to face him.  With a wicked smile, Lou reached behind her and slithered out of her soaked dress.  Kid's eyebrows rose as his wide eyes watched the blue material pool at her ankles.  His eyes grew even wider as he realized she truly was soaked to the skin, the white lawn of her chemise nearly transparent and clinging to her slight curves in all the right places.  When his stormy gaze continued without comment, Lou placed her hands on her hips.  "Well, do I have to draw you a picture, cowboy?" 

Kid chuckled in response, shaking his head as he crossed to take her in his arms again.  "No, ma'am.  It ain't been that long," he said.  "I think I remember this part." 

"Good," Lou sighed as their lips met.  The kiss, their first in days, was tentative 
and gentle and she realized it had been months since they'd been together like 
this without an audience and without worrying about who might walk in--long, lonely months.  They parted briefly only to meet again, the kiss more passionate and urgent than the first. 

Kid pulled her tight against him, delighting at the way her body still fit with his, 
and for the first time in months he felt whole.  The hair that slid through his fingers wasn't too long, too light, or too dark.  She wasn't too tall or too curvy, the 
breasts pressed tightly against his chest were smaller than the other girls' he'd spent time with recently but he knew from experience that they would fit his 
palms perfectly.  The hands sliding along his back were smaller and rougher than Samantha's manicured and cultured ones, but Kid wouldn't have it any other way.  Every time he'd kissed, touched, or looked at another woman while he and Lou weren't together, he found himself comparing them to Louise McCloud.  The soft smell of roses that clung to her, the result of a coveted bar of soap Lou used only when she dressed up, was so much more cloying and intoxicating than the heady scents of the Eastern perfumes other women bathed themselves in. 

Her fingers gently stroked the back of his neck as his insistent tongue pushed past her parted lips.  Lou felt her sense of self slipping away beneath the tide of their combined passions, his kisses more heady than the sweet wine they'd shared at dinner.  Forcing herself even closer still, her hands encountered his wet shirt 
front.  She forced the buttons loose and slid her hands over the warmth of his 
chest peeling the shirt from him and tossed it to the floor.  In the meantime, Kid's hands had moved down her back to cup her buttocks before he pulled her thigh up to wrap around his hip.  Lou gasped as she felt his already hard arousal pressed tightly against her own, her hands gripping his shoulders hard.  She whimpered slightly, a smile of contentment on her lips as Kid's lips left them to travel along 
her jaw to her ear.  "God, how I've missed you!" he whispered.  Lou closed her eyes and buried her face against his bare shoulder as his warm tongue traced the delicate shell of her ear, stopping to rasp his teeth against her earlobe before gently sucking on it.  Her fingers brushed up and down his back gently touching 
the white scars she knew lay there, pausing every few strokes to meander along the hot skin just above his waistline. 

He could feel her swollen breasts, the peaks hardened and straining slightly against the white lawn that contained them, and was overcome by the need to 
see all of her, to hold her warm and naked against him as he reclaimed her as his.  Kid kissed across the smooth skin of her shoulder, across the hollows of her collarbone, and up her throat to suck and nibble on her lower lip.  Lou felt his 
hands moving between them, his shaking fingers clumsily working at the buttons.  Impatiently, he pulled at the material and it gave way with a ripping sound, a couple buttons clattering to the floor. 

Lou heard the rip and stiffened as a flash of sensory memory blinked before her closed eyes.  Suddenly it wasn't Kid's hands on her but Simon Wicks' as he ripped open the bodice of her good dress--the one Charlotte had gotten her for her birthday.  His fetid, alcohol-laden breath was hot against her neck and she cried out as he bit her drawing blood.  His huge sweaty hands were all over her pinching and squeezing her tender breasts as his two hundred pound body held her down 
on the bed, suffocating her with his nearness and effectively preventing escape until after he'd finished with her. 

Kid felt her stiffen, heard the soft cry muffled against his lips and knew it wasn't 
her normal reaction.  He quickly lifted his head and gazed down at her pale face in concern.  "Lou what is it?" he asked breathlessly.  That was when he noticed the torn edges of her chemise, the pale flesh of her breasts exposed.  He gently stroked the skin just below the ripped material.  "Oh, Lou, honey I'm sorry," he apologized quickly.  "I'll buy you another one." 

She shook her head slightly trying to dislodge the memory.  This is Kid, she reminded herself, your dear, sweet, gentle Kid--the man you love.  Wicks is dead once and for all.  Dimly she realized, relieved, that Kid thought she was upset 
about the torn chemise.  "It's all right, Kid," she whispered back.  "Don't worry about it." 

"You sure?" 

"Yeah, I'm fine."  To prove it, she slid out of the torn chemise and the drawers she wore beneath it to stand before him completely naked.  His eyes raked over her form and Lou shuddered at the hunger she saw there.  Ever since their first night together, she'd always loved this moment.  The total honesty and vulnerability of being naked with the man she loved warmed her soul just as the adoration and desire in his eyes thrilled her.  It was like being warm and cold at the same time.  She smiled, her dark eyes warm and alive with passionate fire as she pulled his head down to her exposed breasts. 

Kid kissed the valley between her breasts before wrapping his arms around her waist and lifting her up to his eye level.  Lou pulled her legs up to wrap them around his waist and arched her back over his arm.  She arched slightly further as he placed his tongue against the underside of one small, pert breast and slowly licked up to the hardened crest before closing his lips around it.  Her hands moved of their own accord to cup his head as his warm mouth tugged at her breast.  She couldn't help groaning his name as she felt his teeth lightly rasp the nipple, then his tongue brushing over it.  So caught up in her own responses to his caresses, Lou didn't notice they were moving until Kid moved to lower her to the bed, his mouth having moved to eagerly suckle her other breast. 

Another, stronger flash of memory came unbidden as she felt her body being lowered to the bed and pinned there by his weight. 
 

"Oh yes, you're definitely all grown up now, Louise," Wicks said, his eyes traveling over her lustfully.  In his eyes, Louise could see every filthy intention he had for 
her and was paralyzed by fear.  He grabbed her arms, ignoring her weak and ineffective struggles as he threw her bodily onto her own bed.  "Pretty little thing like you'll make me a very rich man.  'Course I've got to show you the ropes first, break you in so to speak.  It's been a long time since I've had to break a virgin," 
he said with a leer, one hand holding her hands useless above her head while the other had pushed her dress up around her hips and reached to pull her drawers down. 

She was terrified, her wide gaze riveted to the erection in his trousers as she 
began to struggle again in earnest.  Louise tried to kick at him, her whimpers 
taking on an angry, desperate tone but she couldn't get free.  She twisted her hips and bucked ineffectively against him.  "No!" she sobbed as she felt his fingers moving on her inner thigh. 

"You're a fiesty one, aren't you?" Wicks sneered, clamping down painfully on her thigh to hold her still.  "Be a good girl and maybe I'll just keep you for myself, hmm?  I had my eye on you from the first day I found you sleepin' in that livery.  You owe me Louise and now it's time to pay up!"  Wicks grabbed one of her hands and forced her to unbutton his trousers.... 
 

Not again, Lou thought desperately. Goddammit, you ain't doin' this to me again! She struck out against the body pinning her down.  When it didn't move, she 
struck harder, more desperately as tears of terror, anger, and shame poured down her pale cheeks.  Using both fists, her blows grew wilder and she clawed at and writhed beneath the man above her. 

Kid had felt her writhing beneath him and her first blow to his shoulder, but 
ignored both, chalking it up to passion.  Lou often struck out at him during their more abandoned lovemaking, especially during a particularly strong orgasm.  However, her blows got harder, her writhings more insistent as she pushed at him tears rolling down her cheeks.  She continued to fight even as he quickly sat back on his knees between her thighs and tried to hold her close.  Suddenly her eyes opened and she stared up at him unseeing for a moment before scurrying away to curl into a tight ball against the headboard.  Lou was breathing hard, her body shaking and her dark eyes wild with fear as if she were a trapped animal.  Kid's initial hurt and confusion was replaced by worry as she watched him warily, no 
sign of recognition in her gaze as she sobbed and rocked. 

"Lou?" he said, trying to make his voice as calm and soothing as he could. 
"What's wrong?  Angel, it's me, Kid."  He slowly stretched an arm out toward her watching for any sign she may flinch or bolt. 

At the sound of the endearment, the fog in Lou's head began to clear.  She saw 
Kid worriedly gazing at her, his arm outstretched to calm her the way he did Katy.  As her breathing returned to normal, Lou began to piece together her reality, her eyes overflowing again with tears of embarrassment and remorse as she saw the hurt in his blue eyes.  "Oh, God!  I'm so s-sorry K-Kid! she sobbed. 

"Shh, it's okay," Kid whispered as he pulled her close surrounding her cacoon-like with both arms and legs.  She sobbed against his chest as he stroked her damp hair.  "Don't cry, angel.  We don't have to do this if you don't want to--if you ain't ready." 

Lou sniffed loudly.  "But I do.  I-I want you s-so b-bad, but every...every time I c-close m-my eyes, he's there!" 

Kid stiffened slightly.  "Wicks?" 

"Y-Yes," she whispered.  "Just when I stop seeing him, when I've been able to get on with my life, he shows up and I'm back at square one again!"  Lou wiped at her tears angrily before tightening her hold on him.  "I already did this once, Kid.  I don't think there's enough of me left to fight it all again.  I just ain't strong enough." 

Kid pulled back to look at her.  He took her face in his hands and kissed her tears away, disturbed as she flinched slightly at his touch.  "You ain't in this alone anymore, Lou.  You and me, we'll do this together once and for all." 

She sat quietly for a moment, not looking at him.  Finally, Lou sighed wearily and risked a glance at him.  "God, you must think I'm such a cock-tease to get you all worked up and then...." 

"A WHAT!?" he exclaimed, his blue eyes wide in what appeared to be a mixture of shock and outrage.  "What did you just call yourself?" 

"A cock-tease?  It's...." 

"I know what the word means, Lou," Kid interrupted tersely, his fingers clutching her arms.  "Where did you ever learn what a...a...?  Where the hell did you hear that?" 

A short derisive laugh escaped Lou's lips as she looked at him pointedly.  "You'd 
be surprised what a girl learns workin' in a whorehouse, Kid--even if she ain't for sale.  Whores talk," she shrugged.  "You have no idea what I know." 

Kid looked at her and flushed in chagrin, afraid that he'd embarrassed her. 
"Maybe so, but Lou you are a lady through and through.  I don't ever, EVER, want to hear you call yourself anything but, you hear me Louise Kathleen McCloud!" 
His fierce reply startled Lou, his blind faith in her touching her soul.  "Besides, I'm 
a big boy.  I could've stopped anytime.  You are not obliged to do anything with 
me if it don't feel right." 

Lou reached a shaking hand out to smooth the furrows in his brow before journeying to cup his cheek.  Kid turned his head to place a gentle kiss on her 
palm and was grateful when she didn't flinch or turn away.  "You amaze me," she said softly.  "I love you so much, Kid."  She leaned forward to rest her forehead against his, her eyes crossing slightly as she gazed at him.  "Kid?" 

"Yes, Lou?" 

"Could you hold me, please?" 

Kid cupped the back of her head and nuzzled her nose with his.  "Of course, 
angel," he replied.  "I won't push you, Lou.  We'll take it slow, okay?"  He pulled back the sheets and watched as she climbed beneath them.  As he watched her, the desire he'd felt earlier was being quickly replaced by an immense need to protect and comfort this woman who'd become his whole world.  Everything he did was for her or about her.  Lou was his first thought upon waking and his last thought before sleep overtook him, even when they hadn't been together. 

She smiled shakily before easing down to lie on the bed.  Kid waited until she was settled before he snuggled close behind her, her bare backside fitted snugly against him. He wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in the crook of her neck.  It wasn't long before both of them had drifted off to sleep peacefully for the first time in a while. 

How long they slept like that, Lou wasn't sure but soon she became aware of the throbbing hardness nestled against her buttocks, the strong, warm arms surrounding her, and Kid's warm, moist breath against her neck sending shivers into the very core of her being.  How she loved him--this sweet, gentle man who was willing to put up with discomfort in exchange for her own comfort and well-being.  While she thought, her hands had begun caressing his forearms 
where they rested across her stomach.  Lou stroked his fingers marveling at the large calloused hands that were strong enought to lift a hundred-fifty pound sack of feed or pull a trigger, and yet were so incredibly gentle as they moved over her skin to arouse or soothe.  She hadn't realized he was awake until she heard his 
soft moan in her ear.  Her heartbeat began to race at the sound and she gently took both of his hands by the wrists and placed them on her breasts.  Keeping 
true to his word, Kid didn't move a muscle despite every fiber of his being screaming at him.  The roughness of his calloused plams against the sensitive skin of her breasts caused Lou's  breathing to quicken to tiny gasps.  Unable to resist, she began to move, arching her breasts into his palms and snuggling into his arousal as her own hands strayed between them. 

Lou was driving him crazy.  Kid felt he had to do something but didn't want to 
break his promise.  His breath was hot and fast on her ear as he whispered jaggedly, "Are you sure about this, Lou?" 

"Oh, yes," she groaned.  Kid began to kiss and suck and nibble at her skin anywhere he could reach--her shoulder, her back, all over her neck, her earlobe, anywhere.  One hand continued to cup her breast as his other wandered down 
over her side to her hip before sliding around to her front.  His fingertips brushed lightly over the soft curls between her thighs before stroking up her flat stomach.  Lou shuddered in reaction, her toes curling as her hand slid between them once again to unbutton his trousers--Where'd she learn that? Kid thought--and had begun working them down over his hips.  When her hand brushed against his manhood the heat sent shock waves directly to the heart of her own need as Kid groaned her name in her ear.  Arching back against him, she used her free hand to pull his hips harder against her.  "Kid, please," she begged. 

Unable to resist any longer, Kid shucked his trousers tossing them and pulled her leg over his.  His hands left her breasts to clutch her hips as he slowly eased himself inside her.  Lou whimpered impatiently and he bit his lip to maintain some modicum of control.  Holding her tightly to him, Kid eased himself to his knees and sat back, Lou straddling his thighs. 

Once inside her, Kid stopped moving altogether.  A sob escaped Lou's throat as he stilled, refusing to move.  "Kid...." 

"Shh," he whispered.  He held her still nuzzling the side of her face with his cheek.  "Just give me a second or two..." he panted. 

"I can't.  I need you."  Lou began to move on him slowly, unable to wait any longer.  "Oh, God, Lou," Kid groaned as he began to meet her thrusts with his own, his hands wandering over her torso.  With one hand he found her breast and began to squeeze gently while Lou grabbed his other hand and moved it down to touch the curls surrounding her womanhood.  Kid's mouth was busy sucking at the sensitive spot on the back of her neck while his hands stroked and aroused her further.  Lou gasped loudly as one finger found the spot that drove her crazy and began to stroke it in circles.  "Oh, God," she moaned, her movements becoming erratic and desperate.  Suddenly both Kid's hands latched onto her hips holding them as he pounded harder into her.  Lou's gasps got louder and higher pitched punctuated by soft grunts that escaped her lips each time their bodies met.  A thundering began in her ears and she knew she was unbearably close as was Kid whose thrusts had hardened and slowed.  Lou clutched at his forearms, her nails digging in as her eyes closed reflexively, every muscle in her body contracting as she came moaning Kid's name. 

"I love you," Kid panted hotly in her ear just before she let go.  Feeling her 
muscles spasm around him sent Kid over the edge into his own orgasm.  With a growl, he slumped over her shoulder, sucking at the bare skin where her neck and shoulder met as he emptied himself within her.  His muscles weakened and spent, Kid collapsed onto his side on the disheveled bed holding her close and staying within her for as long as possible.  Gently, he stroked her damp hair away from her face kissing her cheek and burying his face in the curve of her neck.  Lou's breath slowed, her heartbeat slowly returning to normal.  She sighed in contentment and stretched luxuriously, stroking his bicep. 

"You know," Lou whispered huskily, "for someone who always feel guilty about us doin' this, you sure are good at it." 

Kid chuckled and kissed her neck, his laughter reverberating through her entire body.  "And for someone who's usually so quiet, you certainly are loud when you get riled up.  I swear the whole floor heard you." 

Lou giggled and slapped at his bare backside playfully.  "Stop it!" 

They lay in silence for a while, their bodies cooling in the night air.  Kid reached down and wrapped the sheets around them snugly.  "You okay, Lou?" 

"Hmmm?  Yeah.  Just don't leave me." 

"I ain't goin' anywhere, sweetheart," came Kid's soft reply.  "Guess you're stuck with me." 

As Lou began to doze off, she knew she had no reason to fear the recurring nightmares that lay ahead.  She'd no longer be waking up in a cold sweat all alone--she had Kid now.  Together they could get through anything fate threw 
their way.  Lou'd learned through their brief separation that she loved the Kid 
more than life, more than reason.  There was nothing she wouldn't do to be a part of his life, to make him a part of hers. 

It had taken her years to learn that it was all right to depend on someone else, it was all right to lose control and lose yourself in the person you loved.  Now, that she had, she'd discovered a freedom from her past unlike anything she'd ever dreamed.  Lou'd found what she'd been searching for for years, people who loved her for who she was, who paid no attention to what she wore or what she'd done 
in the past.  They say confession is good for the soul, she thought sleepily, and I guess they're right.  It helps us forget what we've done and let's us see how much we really are loved. 

Lou's nightmares of Wicks continued for years afterwards, always worsening 
when Kid was away, but it was that night that their timbre changed.  The terrifying images that made her relive that night in total clarity now became dreams that made her an unseen observer, sparing her the pain and anguish.  Instead of 
waking up screaming, she woke the next morning tightly clutching Kid's hand to 
her and in that contact finding the comfort she needed.