Chapter 1

Rock Creek, Nebraska, 1876 

Louise McCloud looked over the premises of her home since many years, recognizing every single corner and shadow, had seen them countless times before. But still they all looked different. The news of the town marshal's death, had shocked and paralyzed the few former Pony Express riders who were still 
alive. Lou had heard from all but one, and though she appreciated their words of respect for her now dead husband, she was sick and tired of hearing how sorry everyone was. What about my grief? she thought angrily for the millionth time, rose for the porch to go for a walk. She did that often, especially since her dear husband's tragic death, but today she knew it wouldn't help her clear her thoughts. 

Kid had died only a month ago, when a bank robber had tried to shoot himself out of town. Lou had heard the gunfight, and though she ran her best, she didn't make it in time. Kid was dead when she reached his side, and ever since she couldn't 
find peace. Anywhere. Fifteen years had passed since the Pony Express riders 
had walked their separate ways in life, and Lou had given her husband three children. Two were alive at the present, one of them dead from influenza at an early age. That had now been ten years ago, and everyone had told Lou her life would only get better from that. For ten years she had believed them, but now 
she was ready to give everything up. Even her two living children. 

Falling to her knees in heart wrenching sobs, the soft green grass caressed her face and the hands that covered it. She lifted her head from the ground moments later, telling herself she was stronger than that, didn't need to sob and cry like a small child every time something went wrong. But the tears wouldn't go away, though she had cried almost constantly for a month. 

She rose, wiping at her face with the back of her hand, cursing aloud at her own stupidity, the tears and sorrow once again turning into hate. She hated Kid for dying, especially before she reached him, and she hated him for leaving her. He had promised he wouldn't, for fifteen years he had promised he would stay by her side always. No matter what. But now he was gone. 

She looked out over the flat prairie, the mountains by the horizon nearly covering the sun. It was getting late, a dark shadow cast over the land, which made her cry again. The shadow looked just as dark and cold as her heart and soul felt. 

She stopped her sobbing abruptly, almost swallowing her tongue, when she heard someone on a horse approaching. She hid behind a tree, not wanting to meet anyone like she looked, her eyes red and cheeks swollen from tears. 

The rider came up the hill, stopping briefly, his back turned to her. She saw a braid of long, dark-brown hair hanging down from his skull, a bedroll around his lower back, probably tied with a string around his waist. He rode without a saddle, a pair of worn buckskin leggings covering his legs and a just as worn shirt on his upper body. He wiped some sweat out of his face with his left hand, Lou spotting a 
tattoo on the back of it as he lifted it. She knew who this rider was, and it had 
been almost fifteen years since she last saw or heard from him. She wanted to 
rush into his arms, feel the strength she lacked in the comforting embrace of another human being, but her nails dug deep into the bark of the tree and she remained hiding. The rider continued on, down the hill toward the old Express station, but stopped before someone living there could see him. Lou left the tree, hiding behind some rocks just feet away from the man on his horse, watching him watching the place where he used to live. Half a lifetime ago. Then he would have called it home, but now it was just another place, and possibly the only white homestead he would ever again see. He sighed deeply, eyes searching for something he didn't really want to see. Kid's grave. 

He spotted it, right below him, under a big tree at the bottom of the hill. He watched it for a long time, silently praying for an old friend, then turned his horse around and started off toward whatever nowhere land he came from. 

Lou jumped out from her hiding, feeling almost childishly stupid for her behavior, hesitating only a second before finally speaking. "Buck, you ain't leaving already, are you?" she asked directly, the rider stopping his horse with a harsh command. 

Buck turned slowly on the horseback, afraid of what he might see, afraid of what the tiny woman might see. He looked up and down her body, which was slightly fuller than before, but still very petite and beautiful. He tried to hide the fear in his eyes, unable to speak. 

"I knew it was you," Lou spoke slowly, approaching him cautiously. 

"Hello, Louise," he greeted carefully, unaware of the fact that he avoided her 
eyes. But she saw it immediately. 

"Buck, it's been a long time," she stated, the Kiowa nodding silently. "I know." 

"What happened to you?" she asked, afraid of coming too close. Something about him scared her, and she knew he felt the same way about her. Buck saw her fear for him, slid gracefully off his horse to at least be on the same level. 

"I don't know…" he replied thoughtfully, eyes falling downward, unable to stay at her face for long. 

"Wanna… wanna come inside?" she asked, hesitantly looking up at his face. 

He looked to his right, down toward the station, eyes brimming with tears. 

"No, I should go," he said, nervously turning back to her. 

In her eyes he saw her plea, knew she wanted him to stay. He could read longing and despair in those dark eyes of hers, as well as sadness and grief. He knew his own eyes overflowed with the same emotions, something tugging at his soul like 
a nagging old dog, demanding attention. He avoided her eyes again, looking at the tattoo on his hand, seemingly studying it as if he had never seen it before. Lou 
took another step closer, standing less than three feet from him now. 

"Buck, you've been gone a long time… Won't you please come inside, just for a 
few minutes?" she begged, her big, calm eyes searching his face for a response. 

"Lou, I can't…" he whispered, the tears turning into moist before his eyes. 

"Please…" 

Looking deep into her eyes he silently nodded, taking a step forward, glad she 
also started to walk. He really didn't want to be touched, though he knew he needed it. 

They walked silently side by side toward the homestead, Buck's horse following behind them, used to silence since a long time. 

After hitching the animal to the porch, Buck stood firmly by the house, looking it 
up and down. 

Lou opened the door and took a step inside, glad he followed her moments later without any words spoken. There was something in Buck's eyes, face and whole appearance, something that made her certain he knew what pain she was going through, tried to push it away just like she did. He looked so much older, though 
his handsome, youthful features remained. She decided it was his sad eyes that made him look so different, wanted to know what had happened to him but was afraid to ask. 

She walked into the kitchen, sitting down on a chair. He stood by the stove, stiffly looking around. 

"Buck, why didn't we ever hear from you?" she asked finally, Buck closing his eyes for a moment. 

"I couldn't be reached," came the silent reply, a simple statement that sounded more like an excuse. 

"What do you mean? You could have reached us," she said, motioning for him to come closer, perhaps even sit down. 

"I came here many times," Buck began, Lou staring at him in disbelief. 

"You what?" 

"I came to that hill, where you saw me just now, and I stood to watch you. And 
Kid, your children, the horses… You've both done very well with this place." 

Lou shook her head, she didn't want to hear what he was saying. 

"Why didn't you ever say hello?" 

"I was afraid to. Lou," he paused, taking her hands in his, trying to give her a 
sense of what pain he felt by holding them tightly. "I couldn't. I wasn't fair to anyone when I left, and I was pretty sure you didn't ever want to see me again," he said, tears coming to his eyes again, but he held them back. 

Lou recollected that day fifteen years ago, when Buck had left Rock Creek. He had fought with Kid about something, both of them bloody and sore, but none of them would speak of it. To the others it seemed very odd that two so close friends 
could suddenly lash out at each other, speaking words of hate and worse to one another. Buck had left town shortly after that, just gone one morning, with a note on Kid and her front door, and it read: "Take care of her. BC." 

Lou's own eyes filled with tears over his sad departure, but wanted desperately to know why he had just packed up and left like that. "Why wouldn't I, Buck?" she asked with concern, just as footsteps on the porch startled them both. 

"Lou? We're back!" a cheerful female voice spoke. Buck froze, wanted to run and hide, but as Lou rose and walked out in the hall, so did he. 

"Hi, Rachel, thanks for taking care of them for me," she said, giving the still blonde woman a warm hug. 

"It was only fun, cross my heart," she smiled, by accident looking over the 
smaller woman's shoulder, breaking out of the embrace to take a step toward Buck. 

Buck saw her sudden approach, backed a step, trying to read her eyes, expecting 
a hard slap across the face. To his great surprise she took him into her arms, hugging him tighter than any other woman had for several years. 

Buck tried to answer the embrace, but his arms hung stiffly along his sides. 

"Buck, is it really you?" she whispered and took a step back. 

"Hello, Rachel." 

Rachel looked over Buck's face and body and then turned to Lou. "Why didn't you say he was coming for a visit?" she asked, turning back to Buck. 

Buck's head hung slightly, eyes downcast. 

"Buck, where on Earth have you been?" 

Rachel had a right to know, he thought, and so did Lou. None of them really knew why he had left, though they both knew it was because of Kid. Something happened between them, and whatever it was, it was big enough to break them 
far apart. 

"Lou, Rachel, I should be going," he murmured, taking a step toward the door, instantly stopped by two forceful hands, one belonging to each women. 

"Don't you dare, you're gonna answer some questions!" Lou suddenly spat, the anger for not knowing why he had left before rising quickly, like it had many times over the years. Now she demanded an answer. Buck sighed, allowing them to 
take him outside, to the porch. He sat on the swing, between the two women, trying to come up with what answer they both wanted and deserved. 

"Buck, please, tell us why you left. What happened between you and Kid?" Rachel asked softly, stroking his shoulder. 

The pain and awkwardness was obvious, to both her and Lou, but they still 
wanted to hear the story Buck kept inside his head. 

"Buck, Kid never told me and I was too late to force him to, and now I beg you to tell me," Lou pleaded, receiving a painful glance from Buck. 

"It was just a fight," he whispered, staring at blind spot in front of him. 

Before he could continue, Lou's two children came running toward the house. 

"Hi, mom!" the twelve-year-old Jimmy called cheerfully, stopping dead in his tracks when he saw Buck. 

He turned around to stop his five-year-old sister Marilee from coming too close to the Indian, took her hand and held it firmly. 

"Jimmy, Mari, this is Buck Cross. He's a very good friend, and I want you to treat him like one," Lou said, he children nodding hesitantly. 

If it was one thing Kid had taught his son, it was to not trust strangers, and the 
first thing he learned at school was that all Indians were savages. Dangerous such. 

"Hi, Jimmy," Buck nodded, managing a brief smile, turning his gaze to the smaller girl. She didn't know, he thought, she didn't know better than to smile and look 
her cutest. 

"Marilee, come here," Lou begged, her daughter slipping from Jimmy's grip, to come and sit in her mother's lap. 

Marilee looked with curious eyes at the stranger beside her mom, but thought if she and Aunt Rachel weren't afraid, he couldn't be dangerous. 

Buck managed a smile, looking into the crystal blue eyes of the small girl beside him, saw a lot of both Kid and Lou in her. Her curly, chestnut hair flew in the wind, causing her to shake it out of her face as she kept staring at Buck, not letting her eyes off of him. 

"Buck, please continue," Rachel begged. 

"No. Not now. Not in front of the children," Buck stated lowly, rising. 

Rachel sighed, rising also, wanted to place her hands on his shoulders, but he seemed to sense her intention and took a firm step forward. 

"After they're in bed, will you tell us then?" Lou asked, letting Marilee down and rose also. 

"Yes." 

Buck regretted promising that, wanted to leave before he made them madder 
with him than they already were, deep inside. 

"I'm afraid I can't stay that long. I'm having dinner with Teaspoon, and I should think he's expecting me already," Rachel said. 

"Couldn't you bring him over later, I'm sure he wants to see Buck is back," Lou said, Buck shaking his head violently. 

"No, I don't want to meet him. Not yet." 

"Alright," Rachel said, giving him a concerned look. 

"Just be sure to tell me everything you tell Lou, okay?" she smiled, looking at him one last time before turning to her wagon. 

Buck and Lou watched her mount the drivers seat and as the woman turned her smiled had grown. 

"It's really great having you here, Buck, I expect you to stay until tomorrow at least!" 

She waved at the couple on the porch, and was soon only a dust cloud on the road to town. 

"Will you?" Lou asked suddenly, bringing Buck back from his thoughts. "Tell me?" 

"I guess…" 

"You better," she stated, walking inside with the children. 

 
Chapter 2

Later that evening, after a little smalltalk at dinner which hadn't been more 
cheery than their other conversations that day, Lou and Buck sat on the porch swing again, watching the night. 

"Well, the kids are asleep," Lou pointed out. 

"This isn't easy, Lou. Let me think of a way to start, and you better not interrupt 
or I don't know if I'll ever get it out," Buck spoke quickly, the words forced out with the last clear thought he had in his mind at that time. 

"Alright." 

"Kid and I went for a walk, the week after you married. He asked why I had been 
so down lately, and… and I couldn't think of a good answer, so I simply told him exactly what the problem was." 

"Usually the best way around things," Lou smiled carefully. 

"Don't interrupt, please. Lou, I… I told him what I really feel… felt, for you. I had 
a crush on you then, and Kid got mad." 

Lou could see Buck's cheeks glow with embarrassment, but he kept talking. 

"I told him he could do whatever he wanted, but I had to tell you. That's when he hit me. I had expected it, but I couldn't keep myself from hitting back. I was so mad, not directly at Kid, but I was so mad at whatever gods decided you married him and not me." 

Lou's eyes fell on Buck's hands, which were clutching to each other so hard they were whitening. Her own blush took over when Buck's cheeks finally regained 
their real color. 

"Buck, I don't know what to say," she whispered without looking up. 

"Then don't say anything. It was all my fault, I was so jealous… Kid had nothing to do with it, he was just caught in the middle. But he made me see I had no place here, that I should leave. So I did." 

"No, Buck, you shouldn't have. You should have told me and then went along with your life. I wouldn't have been offended. On the contrary, Buck," she said, taking his hands in hers, their eyes meeting slowly. 

"I know. But I couldn't stay. I found a new life for myself with my Kiowa brother. I came every now and then to just look at you, and Kid, I suppose. But I was so afraid he had told you, that you would be mad, so I didn't dare to come down that hill. No matter how many times I tried," he said, looking into her eyes, he saw 
tears for her dead husband shine in them and wanted desperately to take them away. 

"Buck, I'm not mad," she promised with a whisper, letting the tears fall freely. 

"What happened to you?" she asked, forcing back the sobs. 

"I married, had a kid. A son. But my tribe was attacked by the white soldiers ten years ago, and since then I've been drifting around." 

“They were killed?" 

Buck nodded, his voice, that just had seemed to finally work again after a so long time, failing him. 

"I'm sorry," Lou whispered, more tears falling down her cheeks. Buck hesitantly placed an arm around her shoulders, letting her fall against him and sob all she wanted. 

"I heard about Kid by accident, when I visited Cave Creek. The bank robber that shot him had been there too," he spoke above the crying woman's head. 

Lou gripped his shirt and cried loudly against his chest, his arm hugging her carefully, hoping it would be some support at all. His own tears brimmed in his eyes, but did not fall. He had learned to control them during the years in pain, and he knew tonight they wouldn't do any good for anyone. 

They sat together for several long hours, the night almost turning into day before Lou dried her tears away and walked him to the bunkhouse, where he would 
spend the night. 

 
2 Years Later 

Buck stayed on in Rock Creek, decided he owed Lou to help with the homestead. She had been very pleased when he told her he wanted to settle down, but had 
told him he owed her nothing. He would have none of it. 

Their conversation on the porch swing that night was never mentioned or thought of, at least not in the open. Buck and Lou both thought of it, but would never let 
the other one know. Teaspoon and Rachel had been filled in on the reason why Buck had left, but they swore to Lou they would never bring it up in front of Buck. They all agreed he didn't need the reminder. 

Marilee had become more and more like her mother, both to looks and ways of thinking. Jimmy remained just like his father, more every day. He was still wary of Buck, couldn't understand why his mother had let a new man into her life so 
shortly after his beloved father had been killed. But he was never rude to the 
Kiowa man living in the bunkhouse, his father would not have approved of that. 
He had heard Kid and Lou talk about their Express days, and the name Buck had often been mentioned. Though Kid had never spoken it, it had always been Lou. 
But he seemed like a nice man to Jimmy, just a little scary sometimes. It seemed he could sneak better than a mouse, even when he didn't mean it, and he often startled the young boy coming into the house or barn. 

One evening after dinner, Buck sat in the bunkhouse reading when suddenly Lou came in. Buck looked up, smiling at her briefly before turning back to the book. He never thought that she might have wanted his attention. 

Lou sat down on a bunk opposite to Buck, watching him carefully. His hair was down for a change, spread across his back. She couldn't recall ever seeing him without a braid since he came back, and the sight captured her for a moment. 

A lock was about to fall into his face, but he took no notice. He was still inside the book, living the adventure written there. 

In the last second, his hand subconsciously pulled the hair back over his shoulder, then moved to turn the page. 

Lou smiled, biting her lip. Finally, he looked up. 

"Oh, sorry," he mumbled, putting the book aside. 

"It's alright, I was just not tired, and the kids are asleep. You don't mind that I came in, do you?" she asked. 

"Not at all. Uh, the book… I found it in a drawer." 

"I know, it was Cody's. He left it behind, probably on purpose," Lou smiled. 

"Probably," Buck smiled back. 

"Wanna take a walk? It's a hot night," Lou said, rising. 

Buck rose too, followed her outside. 

They walked in silence for awhile, before they ended up outside Lou's house. Buck nodded and said good-night, turned to walk to the bunkhouse. 

"Are you tired?" Lou asked, suddenly. 

"Uh, no… Are you?" he turned with a smile. 

"Not really. I would like to ask you something, inside," Lou said, opening the door. 

"Okay," Buck said, slightly confused, walked inside. They sat on the couch in front of the fireplace, Lou staring at her hands for a moment. 

"Buck, do you remember what you said, that night two years ago, when you told me what happened between you and Kid?" she finally asked. 

"Sure," he said, eyes falling into his own lap. 

"You don't… you don't feel those things for me anymore, do you?" she asked, 
both looking up, their eyes meeting. 

Lou read shock in Buck's, and he read true interest to know in hers. He turned away, cheeks turning a pink shade. That said it all to Lou. 

"So you do…" 

"No, Lou, I married another woman, we had a child together, I loved her," Buck defended himself. 

"I know, you must've, but that doesn't mean you…" 

Lou stopped, realizing how desperate she sounded. She sighed, looking away. 

"Lou, I…" Buck couldn't finish the sentence either, looked at her face pleadingly. 

Lou turned quickly to face him, pressing her lips against his. Buck didn't object, though he hadn't been kissed since his wife died. At that moment he didn't even think of her, it was only Lou. Lou's hands came around his head, and she felt his 
on her shoulders, stroking them and move up her neck. 

Buck felt her trembling lips part from his for a brief moment, then they came back, with even greater passion and lust. Her hand took his, and they rose, still kissing. Lou led Buck upstairs, unsure of what they were actually doing, but did it anyway. 

Buck hadn't been with a woman for twelve years, and the memories of what it 
used to be like, how it used to feel, was what made him unbutton Lou's blouse. 

Her hands forced his shirt off, stroked his masculine chest and played with his nipples. His hands hesitantly touched her bare breasts and nipples, his lips covering hers. Lou felt no signs of arousal between their hips, and realized Buck was still too unsure. She opened his pants, sliding her hand carefully down to 
touch his manhood. He flinched, but stood firmly in front of her, trailing kisses up and down her neck, biting carefully at her soft skin. She sighed in delight and her left hand pressed his head against her chest. Her other hand continued to stroke Buck's yet limp member. 

Finally her movements started to pay off, and his manhood swelled more and more. He let his hands drop to her buttocks, squeezing them carefully before unbuttoning her skirt in the back, forcing it down to her ankles. His eyes met 
hers, and there was a look of uncertainty in his. She kissed him, her tongue 
slipping into his mouth, her teeth biting playfully at his upper lip. He moaned, and she knew he was ready for something else. 

She knelt, taking his member into her mouth, her tongue now playing with his head. He groaned deeply, breathing heavy from excitement. It had truly been a long time. 

She rose again, pushing him gently so he fell against the bed. She landed on top 
of him, forcing his pants off, and with a little help from Buck they soon dropped to the floor. 

Buck rolled over on top of her, moving his throbbing manhood closer to her wetness, both of them gasping as he entered her. She smiled, kissing his chest, pulling him down toward her. She grabbed his butt cheeks, squeezing them, one hand moving even lower, to touch his sac. He moaned, letting one hand down to touch her bud, giving her some pleasure as well. 

"Buck, please move," she begged breathlessly, desperate to feel his hips move in time with hers, feel him deep inside of her. He obliged, his hands falling on the covers for support as he started to thrust. 

She moaned deeply, her orgasm causing her to trash her head from side to side, move wildly beneath him. He smiled just briefly, moving faster. 

The longer their lovemaking went on, the harder the tears became to hold back. Buck felt them rise to his eyes, and Lou saw them too. Realizing he cried for his dead wife, and how me thought he was betraying her, made Lou almost embarrassed she didn't cry the same way for Kid. She wiped at his tears, kissing 
at his wet cheeks, whispering a silent "It's okay." 

Buck lifted one hand to touch hers, pressed it against his face, and kissed it. His hips began to move again, and soon Lou was squealing in passion. Buck was not 
far behind, pumping into her like a wild animal as his relief finally came and he relaxed against her body. 

Lou's hand carefully pressed his head against her neck, and no words were necessary to tell him she had truly enjoyed what they had just shared. 

Buck panted heavily for a long moment, and as the afterglow of his orgasm 
settled in, his eyes rolled in pleasure and he had to close them. 

When he finally rolled off Lou's godsent body, he groaned once again in delight. 
She smiled at him, her hand caressing his upper arm. Buck looked into her eyes, wondering what she was thinking, for some odd reason not the least embarrassed over his emotional breakdown just a moment ago. He only wished he had had the courage to give Lou more pleasure. But she seemed very content as it was, and she hugged him against her bosom with a wide smile of thanks. 

Buck's eyes closed once again and he felt the covers being pulled over his sweaty body. He slept by her side, feeling as though an old, but yet so strong, dream had come true. Feelings he had sworn to forget, had rapidly come back to him the moment he saw Lou that day, two years ago. Though her face had been ravaged 
by the tears for her husband, she still looked as pretty as ever. 

 
Chapter 3

Lou awoke from tweeting birds outside her bedroom window, the sun already high in the sky. She smiled, letting her hand trace the sheets behind her. Surprised to find the bed empty, she turned around, looking beside her as if Buck would return 
if she stared long enough. She first almost wondered if she had only dreamed it 
all, the memories strong but still so unreal. She sighed, looking across the room. Her clothes were nicely folded and put on a chair, and there were no signs of a 
man whatsoever. She sighed again, her eyes falling on the pillow beside her. She smiled when she saw Buck had definitely slept there, the marks from his weight still visible. She couldn't believe he had actually spent the night in her bed, but at that moment wished it would happen again. 

She got out of the bed, looking out the window. He saw Buck in the corral, carrying hay for the horses. She smiled, her fingers rising to touch her lips. She remembered how good his kiss had felt, though he had been stiff and unsure. He had been gentle and careful, like a virgin. Lou tried to wipe the smile off her face, but her eyes were frozen to Buck's body. She turned away moments later, trying 
to clear her thoughts, when her eyes landed on a picture of Kid. Her face fell, and she walked up to take the picture in her hands. She looked at it, stroked it, the tears rising like so many times before, falling down her cheeks and landed on the glass of the frame. She placed the picture back on the drawer where it had been 
for so many years, started to dress. 

Buck greeted Lou with a smile, climbing out of the corral. Lou nodded back, 
heading for the barn. Buck was confused over her absent behavior, but returned 
to his chores. 

"Did you see the kids off this morning?" Lou asked, still with her gaze fixed at the barn. 

"Sure thing, Rachel came to pick them up," he replied, looking up. Lou nodded again, very absent minded now, rushing toward the barn. There had been no 
words of love spoken between them, and Buck was slightly scared because of 
that. What if she doesn't want anything else than what happened last night? he thought, looking after her as she entered the big building, closing the door behind her. Buck sighed, at a loss of what to say or do. He had to speak to her, but what would he say? That he loved her, always had and always would? He knew Kid still existed in her mind, and probably always would, but he knew his old friend 
wanted Lou to be a happy woman. It had been many years since Buck last saw 
Kid, and despite their fight he knew Kid would want Lou to marry again. And to whoever would make her happy. 

Reaching the conclusion that he would display his feelings for her later, he 
grabbed the pitchfork and tossed some more hay over the fence, feeling much lighter at heart. 

Lou stood leant against the wall, hands covering her face. She knew her children would be back from school and Rachel in a few hours, and she had to regain her composure before then. Last night had felt so good and right, but now it was all crashing down at her and made her sick to her stomach. 

She stood erect, wiping at her face where tears threatened to fall down her 
cheeks and made her way to the stalls. They needed to be mucked out, and she figured the work would make it easier to get her thoughts away from Buck and 
Kid. It had worked before. 

She heard Buck's content whisper as he worked on the other side of the wall, the window right above their heads wide open. He sounded so happy and trouble free, but with even tune coming out of his mouth Lou's heart sank further. How could she tell him? For two years he had worked by her side, helped her with the horses, the children and simply life itself. She had felt life was actually worth the sweat 
and tears, and the children even though they were crying and screaming, and grieving for Kid had been a thousand times easier with her old friend by her side. They had shared meals and conversations together, but last night they had 
shared something forbidden. They had crossed the line, and it could never happen again. And it wouldn't. 

Lou looked up as she saw in the corner of her eye that Buck entered the barn. He smiled at her, and she flashed him a grin in return. But Buck saw in her eyes that her thoughts were elsewhere, and his intentions to tell her he really loved her changed into being the best friend she so badly needed. She had cried on his shoulder many times, and he had soothed her the best he could, with all the 
words he had wished people would have told him when his family had been killed. And Lou had truly appreciated it. He had seen in her eyes and read on her face the gratitude she felt for his words. But now her face only showed the tears she seemed to always carry in her eyes, and she fell into his embrace with flows of salty pearls streaming down her cheeks. Buck hugged her carefully, pulling away just to take a look at her. 

"Lou, is Kid haunting you again?" he asked with a teasing smile, which he knew would bring her spirit up. 

She smiled and swatted at his chest. She wiped at the tears and turned back to 
the stalls. 

"I'll help you," he offered, taking a pitchfork too and started to muck. 

"Buck, I need to talk to you," Lou murmured after awhile, leaning her fork against the wall. 

"Talk all you want," he said without looking up, eyes fixed on the stall floor. 

"Not now, later," she said. 

Buck knew better than to talk about their night together this soon after she had cried, had experienced many times that her tears usually came back after only a few minutes of complete composure. But this time she seemed to be all right, though still a bit distracted. 

Buck worked by her side until there was no more work to do and they went over to the house. 

Lou fetched a pitcher of cool lemonade, which they drank in silence. Both of them thought they had to mention their passionate night, but both also wished the 
other would start. Lou finally cleared her throat, looked up at Buck with the words on the tip of her tongue. 

Just then a wagon came into the yard, startling the two on the porch, and Rachel's voice seemed far away. 

"Hi, Rachel," Buck greeted, leaving the porch reluctantly, wanting nothing else but to talk to Lou in private. 

They had had all day, both being scared for how the other would react, and now it was too late. Rachel jumped down from the wagon, shortly followed by Jimmy. Marilee crawled down unnoticed from the back of the wagon. 

Jimmy headed inside, looking almost angrily at Buck when he passed him, but smiled at his mother. 

Buck ignored the boy's looks and went to pick Marilee up into his arms. She 
laughed and pleaded to be put down, but Buck shook his head and held her under his arm as if she was a bedroll, which caused her to laugh even harder. Jimmy turned in the door to look, heard his sister's gasping laughter and giggles. He first thought his father had returned, never having heard his sibling laugh like that with anyone else than Kid before. Almost disappointed he turned back inside to start 
on his homework. 

Buck finally let Marilee down on the dusty ground, and she ran to her mother to 
hug her tightly. Lou enfolded her into her arms and smiled at her daughter. Buck looked on quietly, Rachel helping herself to a glass of lemonade. 

"Were you nice today?" Lou asked her child. 

“Course we were!" she smiled and jumped down from her mother's lap. 

“They were angels both of them," Rachel smiled, taking Marilee in her arms. 

"Especially this young lady!" she chuckled. 

Buck felt a smile part his thin lips, and had to almost look away. He felt more and more like a father to Marilee every day, but he knew he had no right to feel that way. And looking into Jimmy's light blue eyes he saw the reason. They were not 
his kids, and they never would be. They belonged to a man he had considered his friend for a long time. Despite their fight he had always respected Kid. And always would, though he was two years late to tell him that. 

He turned back to the happy women on the porch, their smiles warming his heart. Lou looked his way, her face a mixture of joy and bewilderment. He knew he was the cause for at least one part. 
 

The children went to bed later than usually, which both Buck and Lou cursed. 
They needed to talk, but the children couldn't hear. But something told Buck that Jimmy already knew what they had shared the previous night. His looks were darker than usual, his language short toward him. Buck first thought he was only scared Jimmy would find out, and was fooling himself because of that, but after dinner he was certain. Jimmy had been sitting on the opposite side of the table, glaring at him from under his brow, leaning over his plate much lower than 
usually. Buck had tried to ignore it, but the boy had stared him out for over an hour. He had looked back, hoped Jimmy would back off, but he had just kept his eyes fixed on Buck's face. 

The time was rapidly passing by, and before any words could be spoken, Buck 
had retired to the bunkhouse. Lou had slept in her bed alone, almost afraid of touching the side of the bed where Buck had slept. She was both confused and angry, at herself and the man who had completely twisted her feelings around, 
and now she was desperately trying to come up with a good reason for them to stay in separate beds forever. But the reasons she could think of weren't good enough. 

Buck smiled in his sleep, the streaks of sunlight beaming through the window not bothering him. In his dream he was in bed with Lou. She lay under his gentle weight, squirming as he moved his hips. She smiled into his eyes, and they both chuckled. She wrapped her arms around his neck, moving also. Buck groaned, kissing her neck, shoulder and face. Lou moaned, pressing him against her body, her fingers digging deep into his shoulders. He felt clearly how she reached her peak in the dream, biting her lip to keep from screaming. She arched her head back, looking with wide-open eyes at the ceiling. Buck plunged forward, also exploding in ecstasy. His deep moan and heavy breath felt so real. He saw Lou smile at him again, wiping the sweat out of his face. He closed his eyes for a moment, taking a few deep breathes. But when he tried to look up again, his eyelids seemed glued shut. He could hear Lou beg for him to look at her, but he couldn't open his eyes no matter how he struggled. Lou's voice grew desperate and he groaned in both anger and frustration, everything black around him. 

Lou stood in the door, watching how Buck squirmed in his bunk. He was still sleeping, but apparently dreaming something, and whatever it was it caused him to moan. First in sheer pleasure, but later in something close to pain. She saw he was close to waking, his eyelids fluttering. She watched him for a few moments longer, before seating herself at the table, hearing him sit up behind her. 

"Good morning," she said without turning around. 

"Uh, yeah," he whispered, looking around a slight bit disoriented. The dream had made him sweat for real, and he drew a hand through his wet hair. It had all been so real, the feeling of his orgasm still in his legs. He looked at Lou, who sat with 
her head hanging, leaning her elbows against the table. 

"You all right?" he asked, grabbing his shirt and trousers. 

"We gotta talk about… us," she said, finally turning to him. 

"Yeah, we do," he agreed lowly, pulling his shirt on. 

"Buck, I don't know what got into me, I acted without thinking. I'm so sorry for doing that to you, but surely you agree that it was only something two hurting people did because they thought they needed it?" she spoke thoughtfully, trying 
to recall all the words she had planned to say that night. 

Buck looked at his feet, suddenly understanding why she hadn't brought it up yesterday. 

"Buck, what happened between us was just something… something very good, 
but still wrong. Don't get this wrong, it really was good, but it shouldn't have happened. Not between us, it's wrong." 

Buck nodded silently, all hopes falling to the pit of his stomach. He knew Lou had 
a point, but refused to believe it was wrong. He loved her, could never think anything they shared was wrong, but if it was her wish to forget things ever happened, he wouldn't push her into remembering. But he knew he would for the rest of his life.