TheLongRouteChapterFiftyTwo


The Long Route Chapter Fifty-Two


Xander woke early the next morning, quietly slipping out of the bed and heading for the bathroom. He took a ten minute shower, enjoying the warm water washing over him. God, it felt good to get clean, to rinse the sticky sweat away, along with the bad memories of the sickness. Xander was actually feeling really well...maybe it had been all that rest. Whatever it was, his eyesight seemed better, he was able to stand in the shower without falling over and he wasn't nervous. Happy at the thought that the drug had worn off completely with no after effects, he hummed a little as he dried himself off. He pulled on his jeans, buttoning and zipping them up before sneaking out of the bedroom, gently shutting the door behind him. Xander knew Spike and Angel had been awake the whole time he was sick and between that, the fight, getting revenge on Robin and returning to take care of him some more, they had to be exhausted. He tip toed through the living room noticing Wesley asleep on the couch. Xander had to smile down at the man, whose glasses were sitting cock-eyed on his head, his mouth open. He had great friends. Xander patted Wesley gently on the head before heading for the kitchen, stopping when he heard Doyle and Cordy talking...or rather Cordy having a fit. If that didn't wake Wes up, nothing would.

"Don't worry, Princess. You're going to do great and we'll be right up front cheering you on."

"Promise?"

"Yeah, what Doyle said." Xander came into view. "I supported you when you were on the cheerleading squad didn't I?" Cordelia gave Xander an eyeroll, so Xander decided to prove his case by doing a cheer. "We're mighty! We're crazy! We're never, ever lazy. We'll beat you! Defeat You! We'll even try to eat you! We'll cover you in marshmallow, cuz we're the champions of basketball. Goooooo....Razorbacks!" Xander was whispering the words so as not to wake Wesley but was vigorously doing the arm and leg motions...that is, until he tried to do a cartwheel. He landed on his ass, causing Cordy and Doyle to laugh.

"You big dork!" Cordy sighed, trying to sound annoyed but giving him an affectionate glance.

"I give you an 8 on enthusiasm, a 9 on your smile but sadly a 3 on your gymnastics ability."

"I give Xander a 10 for even remembering the cheer, hand motions and all." Cordelia watched Xander get up before asking, ""How did you...."

"Like I said. I supported you. I sat through so many practices playing the good boyfriend that I ended up knowing almost every one."

"I thought you did it because you liked to watch girls in short skirts, being all stretchy, their boobs bouncing up and down." Cordelia crossed her arms and stared at Xander.

"That might've been a part of it, but most of it was a sacrifice made just for you."

"Yeah, right. Cause that would be such a rough gig." Doyle teased.

"Well, I bet I was the only boyfriend who took the time."

"You were the only one that had the time. Every other cheerleader dated a basketball player or a football player...."

"Hey, I was on the swim team."

"Yeah, that was okay. Most of the other cheerleaders were pretty impressed, especially when they saw how hot you looked in the speedos but I didn't like having to constantly worry about whether I was going to be dating the creature from the Blue Lagoon."

"Black Lagoon and I didn't like the idea of being one." Xander saw Doyle's confused expression. "Bad coach put stuff in the steam...turned all the guys into some kind of sea demon. Luckily, I found out after only 3 times in the steam room otherwise I'd be swimming out in the ocean somewhere right now."

"I still say you should've gone out for football or even baseball...you were a good player and it was a lot safer than football."

"Too many bad memories...what with Little League. Besides, I was out helping slay vampires and demons, which is way more important."

"You didn't go out every night."

"Okay, most every night." Xander made his way to the refrigerator sticking his head in the refrigerator for a moment before taking out several meats and placing them on the counter. "Speaking of food...the cheer...marshmallows," Doyle and Cordy finally nodded in understanding, "I'm starving... gonna make one of those huge hero sandwiches. Anybody else want anything?" Doyle shook his head and Cordy groaned.

"I've got too many butterflies in my stomach. I couldn't get any food to fit in there, but thanks."

"Cordy, you know what else I remember? You were the best cheerleader Sunnydale High School ever had. You never screwed up, you were the glue holding the machine together....the top of the pyramid."

"That's right. I was. You know, even after three years on the squad they only had to show me a move once and I had it down."

"Well, the same thing goes for this play. Be the best actress you can be. Know that you're the one that only has to be told one time where to stand, what to say, how to move. Be the glue holding this production together."

"You're right. I just need to be confident and do what I've always...." Cordy perked up for a moment before sighing. "Who am I trying to kid? I'm gonna suck. Acting is so much harder than cheerleading. The words are harder. And look, I have bags under my eyes from lack of sleep, and--"

"Cucumbers? I hear they help?" Xander tried to hand her a couple of slices but she waved them off, Doyle taking one and eating it as Xander ate the other.

"I'm having trouble with my lines ...oh, God, I'm so going to flop." She laid her head on the table and Doyle gently patted her head while Xander dropped his head, trying to cover his guilt by concentrating on making the huge hero sandwich in front of him.

"All that's my fault, C.C. I'm really sorry---"

"No, it wasn't. Well, not all of it was you. Even with your life and death drama going on, I would've been able to sleep and I've had weeks to learn my lines. I'm just so damn nervous. And I've been working for this break all my life so why aren't I prepared?"

"All your life? Cordy, you've only been trying to get an acting job for a little over a year."

"I practiced all the way through high school, Xander. You don't think my being friends with all those sheep like Harmony didn't take a lot of acting? And remember my fake laugh?" Xander tried to hide his grimace. "It helped me get a date with a college guy."

"And almost got you and Buffy eaten by that big snake."

"True. Still, I hid the fact that underneath my popular facade I was a brain...a straight A student."

"Yeah, you had me fooled on that one."

"Oh, and remember how I sucked up to everyone in the school, including the geeks and losers just so I could beat Buffy and become the Homecoming Queen...now that was good acting."

"You lost."

"Buffy splintered my votes. If she hadn't been trying to prove something, I would've won hands down."

"Most definitely. And it would've saved us having to see the showdown between you and Buffy."

"What happened?" Doyle asked, leaning forward, eager to hear.

"Nothing much. They met in the hallway at high noon, Cordy called Buffy a stupid, freak and Buffy called Cordelia a vapid whore before I managed to pull Cordy away." Xander squirted some mustard on his sandwich. "So what about us? The Scoobies? Was that all an act?"

"No, of course not. Except for Buffy. I hated her, especially after that vapid whore comment, but I disguised it pretty well, don't you think?"

"No. You never acted like you liked her."

"Speaking of Homecoming, how did you end up voting? Did you vote for your girlfriend or your hero?"

"Doyle, honestly, I knew that Willow would vote for Buffy, so I didn't feel bad about voting for Cordy and betraying a friend."

"Well, personally, I think you should've voted for me twice. After all I was your girlfriend."

"And I think you two put way too much into winning."

"Just like I think you're putting too much into this one play, Princess." Doyle tried to help, only to be on the receiving end of one of Cordelia's famous glares. Xander silently giggled at Doyle from behind Cordy's back as the girl leaned forward.

"You two don't understand the pressures that go along with being popular or being an actress."

"Yeah, cause it's not like we have any pressures. Just the average fighting evil demons and monsters not to mention the visions I get."

"Hello? I'm a part of that too, so I have double the pressure." Cordelia reached for the aspirin, pouring a few into her hand and popping them into her mouth. "God, I feel like my head's going to explode."

"Well, you are overdue." Xander said without thinking. Now Cordelia was glaring at him while Doyle sat back, arms crossed and a smile on his face. "Uh, did I say that out loud?"

"Pretty sure you did cause I'm not a mind reader."

"I was just trying to lighten the mood. You're gonna be great, Cordy. I mean, if I can remember most of your lines by running them with you in practice, then I know you can."

"You know my lines?"

"Most of 'em. I happen to be very good at remembering stuff...most of the time."

"Really?"

"Don't act so shocked. Did you see my cheer?" Xander cut his huge sandwich into smaller parts.

"That's great!"

"Why is Xander knowing your lines great?"

"Yeah. What do you want me to do? Sit up front and feed you the lines?" Xander hoped he was joking but when he saw Cordelia's happy expression he knew what she was thinking and he started shaking his head. "Cordy, don't get any ideas. I was just kidding....tell her Doyle." Xander dropped the knife and gave his friend a pleading glance. Doyle just shrugged as Cordy got more excited.

"We'll go out and buy one of those little slate boards and- and you can write the line down if I get stuck. I should be able to read it if you're sitting up front and I'll just casually glance down and---"

"Shouldn't there be someone, you know, behind the curtain to feed you the line in case you forget?" Doyle asked.

"Yes, but that means lots of whispering and I don't want to draw attention to the fact that I've forgotten anything. This was, no one will have to know. I'll do the 'smell the fart' thing."

"Smell the fart?"

"It's this thing you can do when you need a few minutes to remember your next line. See, while you're thinking of it, you can take this pause where you look really intense." Xander and Doyle stared at her and Cordelia sighed. "Non actors. You know, like this...." she demonstrated before pushing Xander towards the door. "When Xander sees me making this expression, he can write the line down and hold it up. Come on, let's go get one of those boards before we have to leave for the theater."

"Now? We've got plenty of time."

"I want to make sure I have it."

"Cordy my sandwich...."

"Will be here when you get back."

"But the bread will be all hard and....Doyle, you've just been awarded guard duty." Xander told his friend as Wesley raised up on the couch, rubbing his eyes just as the girls exited the bedroom.

"What's going on with you three?" Doyle filled the girls and Wesley in on Cordelia's plan while Cordy grabbed her purse and keys. Xander mouthed help, giving them the puppy dog eyes and Wesley spoke up. "Cordelia, Xander may need to rest. He's been through quite an ordeal, you know."

"Wes is right. I'm suddenly feeling very tired." Xander tried to fall into a chair, feigning weakness but Cordy grabbed him by the arm, not falling for the very obvious act.

"Oh, please. You came bouncing into the kitchen like Tigger on speed and---"

"So no ill side effects, then?" Wesley asked and for a moment Xander was tempted to lie....actually, more than a moment, but the worried expression on his friend's faces stopped him.

"Honestly, I feel great. My vision's cleared up, my balance is good," Xander stood on one foot, "I'm not sick or nervous....well, until now that is, but that's the normal feeling I get when I go shopping with Cordy."

"See?" Cordelia took Xander's hand, leading him to the door. "We'll be back in a little while."

"Tell Spike and Angel where I went." Xander yelled, exiting the apartment with one last, longing look at the sandwich.

"Poor Xander. Cordelia will have him out all day." Willow walked into the kitchen, her eyes lighting up. "Ooooh, a sandwich."

"Hey, that looks good." Dawn reached over her shoulder, picking up a piece. "No need to let it go to waste."

"Girls, I think.." Before Doyle could tell Dawn that Xander wanted to save that for himself, she and Willow were eating it. "never mind."


*******************************************************
"So you're sure Xander was fine when they left?" Angel asked for the hundredth time.

"Yes, he assured us he was doing much better." Wesley answered, not looking up from the book he was reading. "I was quite relieved to say the least and a bit surprised. Until I figured out what had happened that is."

"Figured out - huh?" Angel tried to appear innocent, giving a quick glance across the room to where Spike was preparing everything for a training session with the girls.

"That one or both of you must have fed Xander some blood last night. Apparently, you slipped it into a drink because Xander wasn't aware---"

"Angel gave him some when he was half asleep," Spike pointed his finger at Angel, earning a dirty look from the older vampire.

"You did that?" Willow asked, the girls not believing their ears. "What if it had hurt Xander instead of helped him?" Willow and Dawn stood in front of the vampires, arms crossed while Tara, Wesley and Doyle tried not to laugh at Angel's mouth moving, but not speaking as he tried to come up with an excuse.

"I tried to stop him, Red, but you know how Angel is when he's got his mind set on something."

"Are you kidding me? You were right there cheering me on." Angel looked at Spike, who held his hand to his chest, trying to appear hurt.

"I'm shocked. Shocked that you would turn on me like this to save your own arse."

"Angel did exactly what should have been done. I'm ashamed I didn't think of that myself," Wesley admitted. The girl's attitudes changed and they immediately made their way to Angel and gave him a hug.

"Our hero." Angel smirked at Spike over their shoulders.

"How did you think of it?" Dawn asked.

"It was a judgment call. It just seemed the obvious thing to do at the time." Angel preened before them, while Spike drew something and taped it to the punching bag. "After all, I haven't been a vampire for 246 years without learning a trick or two."

"Well, it was a very good call, Xander's feeling better and you should be proud of yourself." Wesley agreed while Spike snorted and coughed loudly.

"If we're done with the hero worship can we start with the training?"

"Me first." Willow raised her hand as if in school before stepping up in front of the punching bag.

"Now remember to keep your thumbs inside your fingers when you--" Angel stopped when Willow began to laugh. Dawn and Tara leaned to the side so that they could look past Willow and both of them joined in while Angel, Wesley and Doyle walked over. "What's going - Spike?" Angel turned to his lover who was lighting a cigarette and acting innocent.

"What? Thought I'd have a smoke, since you've clearly got this training session under control, Mr. Big Arsed Hero."

"That's not...why did you...my ass is not big...what?" Angel pointed at the charicature Spike had made of him.

"Got bored so I thought I'd give the girls a target on the bag."

"Quite a good likeness." Wesley managed to say.

"Fangs and all." Doyle agreed.

"Wait a minute. You guys think this..." Angel snatched the picture off of the bag, "Is good?" It doesn't look anything like me. I mean, see the hair." Angel held the picture up next to his face sending his friends into another fit of laughter.

"That's, that's the best part." Dawn gasped, holding her sides. Angel's free hand automatically felt his hair.

"No, it doesn't stand up like that-" Angel felt, "does it?" The others nodded, still laughing.

"Don't get so upset, luv." Spike reached up, taking Angel's hand down and giving it a squeeze. "It was just a joke to take you down a peg what with your bragging and all."

"But my hair---"

"Is fine, Angel. Makes you unique."

"I - I think it's very becoming." Tara agreed.

"Yeah, you have to know how handsome you are." Dawn told him.

"But you were laughing."

"Not because of your appearance. We were laughing at Spike making a cartoon of you and putting it up there." Willow giggled. "You two can be so childish sometimes."

"I'm not childish. Spike and Xander are the ones who act like kids while I'm the adult in the relationship."

"Yeah, right." Dawn scoffed. "All three of you are like little boys."

"I am not little." Spike scoffed, putting his cigarette out and giving Angel a wink.

"Oh, gross Spike, you know what I meant."

"Dawn's right, Angel. You've changed so much since you moved to California. Back in Sunnydale you were, well, sorta grouchy and brooding."

"I might've been broody but I wasn't grouchy, Willow."

"Not that the brooding wasn't very manly or mysterious but I always felt sorry for you...in a way....with the not being happy and I kept thinking how sad it was that you'd spend eternity being alone and broody cause being immortal - way cool, unless you spent it brooding all the time and then, man, would that be a waste - not that you wasted time and somebody please stop me." Willow gave Angel a tiny smile.

"Willow's trying to tell you that you've gone from being a mopey bastard - although loveable -" Doyle amended, off Angel's stare, "to a well-rounded, uh, vampire."

"They're saying that being in love with the right people looks good on you." Tara's soft voice made the two vampires smile as they looked at one another.

"I guess you're going to take all the credit for me being something other than a broody, mysterious, mopey bastard of a vampire?"

"Most of it," the two vampires kissed. "Good influence, I am." Everyone stared at him, and Spike smiled. "Or bad, but good for you. And Xander gets credit for bringing us together because if we hadn't both loved him, I'd probably still be holding a grudge against you and you'd still be a broody vampire. He's taught you how to have fun and me how to trust in love again."

"While driving us both crazy."

"He makes life interesting, in more ways than one."

"Personally, I'm glad you've given Xander the life he deserves. Stability. One where he can feel secure with just being himself."

"Wouldn't want him any other way, Red. Fell in love with Xander because of who he is-"

"The way his eyes crinkle at the sides when he smiles." Dawn added.

"And have you ever noticed how his mouth just does the sweetest thing... when he's frustrated?" Willow clarified as the two vampires and Tara turned to stare at her.

"It does the sweetest things when he's kissing, too." Angel added.

"Yeah, it...I mean, I'm sure it does if you're into guys which I. So. Am. Not. Anymore." Willow stressed while smiling sweetly at Tara.

"And when Xander's - "

"Okay, Spike - I beg you to stop right there!" Dawn yelled, holding up her hand. "I'm sure the kissing and stuff is wow cause it's you three and any other time I'd be only too interested to hear the details, but can we get this training session started? I have plans with Joey tonight."

"What kind of plans?" Spike asked.

"Date plans. Cordy's play, remember?"

"No, we're all going together."

"I wonder what's taking Cordy and Xander so long?" Wesley asked, trying to ward off an argument while Willow began to work out on the punching bag.

"Cordy....shopping, need I say more? Doyle asked.

"No, I think that sums it up." Wesley returned to his books while the others trained, Spike and Dawn arguing about her date with Joey.


*******************************************************
"Uh, Cordy why are we going in here?" Xander asked as Cordelia pulled him into the men's clothing store. "We getting something for Doyle?"

"No, I've got Angel's credit card and it would be a shame to just buy this," Cordelia held up the bag containing the board and chalk. "So I decided to buy something for tomorrow night, you know, the party."

"You usually shop for your clothes in men's stores?"

"Quit being silly. We're here for you."

"See ya."

"Hold it right there, mister." Xander sighed, turning back to face Cordelia. "Tomorrow night is going to be special for you."

"Understatement, C.C."

"So don't you want to look great?"

"Can't I look great in something I already own?"

"You could-"

"Fine. Glad that's settled. Let's go."

"But you don't want to look just great - you want to take their breath away."

"They don't breathe."

"Then you want to make them wish they did so seeing you would....or maybe they'll take one look at you and start to drool." Cordelia pulled him towards the back of the store.

"I'm fairly certain vampires don't drool and besides - if they wanted a guy who looked good in suits they'd be dating Wesley."

"We're not here for suits."

"Then what are we - hell no!" Xander started shaking his head as Cordelia pointed at the leather clothes.

"Quit being such a wuss, Xan. You've worn leather for Spike and Angel before."

"And I looked like an idiot."

"No, you didn't. Besides this isn't just any leather. It's imported. Can you believe it?"

"Leather is leather."

"Pfft. Say that after you wear the clothes. See how much softer the leather is....and see the designer labels. Always a plus."

"Yeah, I'll look so much better in this leather cause I'll have somebody's name on my ass. Like that's gonna make a difference."

"You'd be surprised. Let me ask you a question? Do you want basic leather or leather with a little sass."

"Basic. I don't like it when my clothes talk back to me." Cordelia slapped him on the arm.

"You big dope. Sass is better, it's you. That means we need to look over here at the racier stuff." Cordelia flipped through the clothes on the rack. "no, no, yes, this is perfect." She pulled out a pair of low cut, black leather pants adding a vest with it. "Now for the perfect shirt unless--"

"Don't even think it! There's no way I'm going to your party wearing just that." Xander gestured at the pants and vest.

"God, you are so silly. You used to take your clothes off in a club full of people, shake your ass in a thong and let women and men stuff money and hands down your underwear but ask you to try on a pair of leather pants in a clothing store and you suddenly get bashful."

"Thanks for announcing that to the world," Xander hissed, noticing a few women and men turning and looking at them.

"Ooops. Okay, shirt." Cordelia flipped through the clothes as Xander smiled wanly at the people. After what seemed like hours she held up a new pair of leather pants, black ones with dark blue stripes up the side. They had three snaps up the front and a zipper in the back. Next came a black leather no sleeved shirt that zipped up both sides. "Wow, look what I found. What color stripes do you want on your pants?"

"Huh?" Cordy showed him the tag so he could read it. Red for boys who love fisting, blue for intimate sex, yellow for boys who love watersports, gray for boys who love bondage and white for boys who love licking. Hard decision.

"Every color describes me so it's kinda hard to choose which-"

"Yellow? Xander, watersports....you don't waterski or..."

"Do I have to bring up the swim team thing again."

"Well, I guess we could call swimming a water sport." Xander gave her a 'duh' look. "How about we take them all." Xander picked up the price tag, dropping it like it was a hot potato.

"Holy leather luxuries, Batman! These pants are $295.00 a pair. Put them back."

"But Xander, look." Cordy whispered, reading the tag. "Just with 3 easy snaps you are a suck away from Candy Land. And One Zip and you're ready to be a boy-toy for the guy who loves anal pleasure.

"Oh, God I'm having a nightmare. I am not standing in the middle of a men's store having this discussion with my cheerleader ex-girlfriend who is now acting like my demon ex-girlfriend." Xander closed his eyes and tapped his shoes together three times before opening them again. "Damn. That never works. "Cordy, doesn't anything embarrass you anymore?" Xander scanned the store, but luckily everyone was shopping now instead of staring at the two of them.

"After being around you and your horny vampires, the wild wiccas, Dawnie and her new boyfriend sneaking kisses, Wesley drooling all over Alana not to mention my own lusty Irishman and no....not too much....speaking of Doyle...." Cordelia grabbed a pair of pants with gray stripes on them. Xander quickly re-read the tag and smiled.

"So you and Doyle like bondage, huh?"

"Yeah, he really likes it when I dress up like...."

"For the love of God, woman stop!"

"You asked and besides, it's your fault. You were the one that got him reading Wonder Woman comic books."

"Wonder Woman isn't into bondage, Cordy. She's on the good side."

"But what about her golden lariot?"

"Oh, well, but that was only used for tying up the bad guys." "Doyle can be a bad guy when I ask him to be." Cordy was interested in the clothes and was half listening when Xander answered.

"Way to go, Doyle."

"I can't decide, bondage or licking."

"Okay, gee, you know what's missing here? Anya and her embarrassing stories of sexcapades with David."

"Bet she'd have some good ones. Can you imagine how creative and romantic a lover he could be with all that money...oh, wait, we're talking about David. He's too...you know, vanilla."

"When did you start talking like that and where is Allen Funt? Am I on Candid Camera here?" Xander's voice was nearing the hysteria mark as he pushed the clothes into her arms.

"Of course not. But you want to talk embarrassing, I was the one who was standing next to the dork who was out here clicking his heels together like Dottie from the Wizard of Oz mouthing I want to go home. You're getting a pair of each color."

"That's Dorothy and I only want to take the blue...because of the intimacy...with tomorrow being...you get the idea." Xander snatched the pants and the shirt out of her hands. "Son of a bitch! $250.00 for a shirt?"

"It's leather on the inside and lined with silk...see." Cordy showed him. "And also, the tag says---"

"Not another tag." Xander looked skywards. "Does someone up there really, really hate me?"

"It brings out the masculine beauty of a broad chest and strong, muscled shoulders and arms."She read. "And oh, hey, look, the side zippers for easy on and off." She whispered and winked at him, causing Xander to roll his eyes.

"You're loving this aren't you?" Cordy nodded, a big grin on her face. "You're getting me back for all those...I'll get you back woman. Some way, some how....you won't know when it's coming but..."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm really scared. And it's not like you're such a boy scout since you've been hanging out with Spike and Angel. Go try those on."

"I can try them on at home."

"No, you can't."

"Because?"

"The store won't take returns, if this doesn't look as good on you as I think it will, we can try something else and we don't want Angel and Spike to see you in this outfit until tomorrow night." Cordelia ticked the reasons off on her fingers, before adding, "I want to see it, when you're done." Xander opened his mouth to protest but after seeing the determined expression on Cordy's face decided against it. He made his way into the dressing room while Cordelia sat down to wait. She hadn't been there long when she heard a familiar voice behind her.

"Trying to make that boyfriend of yours presentable? You know what they say...clothes make the man."

"I used to think that way until I dated quite a few wolves in sheeps clothing. Now I know it's what's inside the person that makes a man a man. So I've revised that saying to 'you can dress an asshole up but at the end of the day he's still just an asshole'. Case in point." Cordelia pointed at Lindsey who covered his heart.

"Oooh, touche. Your harsh words cut me to the bone."

"What are you doing here?" Cordelia eyed him suspiciously while fingering the cell phone with one hand and the can of mace with the other, prepared to use them both.

"What else? Shopping. I needed some new suits--"

"Well, don't let me keep you." Cordelia made a shooing motion with her hand and Lindsey started to leave before turning back.

"Will you at least tell me how Xander's doing?"

"Pretty good, considering what Wesley told us about that damn drug."

"Cordelia, I know I'm not one of the good guys," Lindsey air quoted, "but I would never, ever hurt Xander like that. I've tried to stop but I still love him."

"And he loves Angel and Spike. Lindsey, you need to move on."

"Maybe if I changed...became the man he wanted me to be."

"Lindsey, you'll never change. You'll always want the money and power more than...look, you missed your chance. Xander is totally 100% madly in love with Angel and Spike. I've know him almost my entire life and I've never seen him this happy...not even when he was with me." Cordelia saw the sadness in Lindsey's eyes and for just a moment she forgot about what a bad guy he was and almost felt sorry for the man.

"Since I seem to have blown it with Xander, maybe I could take a chance with a very beautiful woman who gives free advice."

"Yeah, sure, go for her." Cordy was trying to get rid of Lindsey before Xander came out of the dressing room and didn't notice him step closer to her.

"I would if she were to dump a little Irish guy and come out with me on a date. Think of it as a comfort slash getting to know each other date." Not feeling sorry for him any more, Cordelia began to laugh.

"Me? Leave Doyle for you? Let me think? No. Doyle is twice the man you are even with your designer suits and shoes....are those Minolos?"

"As a matter of fact---"

"Don't answer. The point is, Doyle is a loving, wonderful man who takes care of me."

"Not in the fashion you deserve.

"You don't know what fashion...hell, you don't even know me."

"I know you like pretty things and I know that Doyle doesn't make the kind of money I do. The kind that could buy you..."

"Anything but happiness? Yeah, I've had that before and I choose to stay with with a man who gives me nothing but truth and happiness."

"So you're saying that Doyle is----" Xander came out of the dressing room, hearing the last part of the conversation.

"A great guy who would be busting you in the mouth right now if he heard you hitting on his girlfriend." Xander stepped in between Cordy and Lindsey. "Trying to come between Cordy and Doyle now, are you?"

"I wouldn't try to do that...I was just joking. However, I have some information about Doyle that I think...." That last bit was whispered as Cordy was sidetracked by a saleswoman asking if everything was all right.

"What are you talking about?" Xander whispered back.

"He isn't the perfect human...is he? And Cordelia doesn't have a clue."

"You're crazy."

"No, Doyle thinking he can hide it forever....there's the craziness." Lindsey finished just as Cordelia tried to seperate them but Xander held her back.

"Xander, whatever he said, don't let him get to you."

"I'm sick of seeing you everywhere I go. Stay away from me. Stay away from Cordy. Stay away from my friends." Xander warned with a shooing motion. "Now would be a good time to start." Lindsey just smiled. "If you don't get away from us I'm going to make you so very sorry." Lindsey's eyes raked over Xander, definitely appreciating the view.

"In that outfit? Is that a promise?" Lindsey's voice was silky smooth. "Will you punish me for being a bad boy...lover?" Before Cordelia could stop him, Xander drew back and punched Lindsey so hard, the man went reeling into the nearest rack of clothes, sending it and him to the floor with a loud crash. Several men stepped between the two as the women gasped and the security guards came running.

"What's going on here?" One of the security guards grabbed Xander's arm but the boy jerked it away from him, preparing to fight this man as well before Cordy got between them, pointing at Lindsey who was getting up off the floor.

"That man was bothering me and I want him thrown out of this store."

"Seems your friend here was the one throwing the punches."

"He was defending me from him!" Cordelia pointed at Lindsey, who was wiping the blood off his face.

"It's okay, Brian...Tad." Lindsey smiled at them and the two men seemed surprised.

"Mr. McDonald, we didn't....are you all right. Would you like us to escort this young man out of the store?"

"No, no. It was my fault. I said something I really shouldn't have and I apologize to the young lady if she took offense." Lindsey had his best manners on now. "You two might want to help straighten up." Both men nodded and started setting the rack up, putting the clothes back on it as Lindsey turned to Xander and Cordy. "It helps to have connections."

"Don't tell me Wolfram and Hart owns this store." Cordelia was appalled. This was one of her favorite stores.

"No, they just know me because I come in here all the time."

"Thank God. Not about them knowing you but I didn't want to stop buying clothes from here." She turned to Xander. "That reminds me. Outfit looks great. Go change and we'll buy it."

"I'm not leaving you alone with him." Xander pointed at Lindsey.

"Jealous?"

"Tempted to kick your ass all the way through this store."

"Like I said, jealous?"

"No. I just...I don't want you anywhere near any of my friends. I don't trust you."

"Xander, I'm not going to hurt Cordelia in any way. Hell, we're in a store full of people who thanks to you have their undivided attention on us. Would I really try something here? Besides, I have to pick up my suits." Xander noticed for the first time that Lindsey had dropped his things and while Lindsey's back was turned, Xander took Cordy's arm and led her to the opening of the men's room.

"Stay here." He practically ran into the dressing room, snatching up his clothes before running back out.

"Xander, you didn't change."

"Come on, Cordy...we're leaving." Xander grabbed the girl's hand, suddenly feeling unnerved. What if Lindsey tried to tell Cordy about Doyle? What if Lindsey had been following them? What if this was a trap of some kind and Wolfram and Hart's men were waiting around to strike, taking Xander and Cordy in retribution for what had happened to Robin? Xander knew he could take a few and Cordelia could protect herself a little but still.....

"Sir, you still have our clothes on." A pretty, brunette girl stopped him, making him come out of his thoughts.

"Oh, God. I'm so sorry, it's just with everything that happened....we want to buy these," Xander gestured at the shirt and pants. "I didn't want to leave my friend alone so I was thinking, would you please just ring them up and I'll wear them out the door."

"I could do that but I'll have to remove the security tags." The girl gestured at the large buttons on the clothes. Xander followed her behind the counter, standing in front of her.

"Take them off."

"I can help," A blonde girl came over but the brunette pushed her away as Lindsey smiled and Cordelia huffed.

"That's okay, Iris. I've got this customer. You can help Mr. McDonald."

"Lindsey." Lindsey corrected, turning to the next register as the girl picked up the suits, gazing at the one he was wearing.

"You don't have on any clothes that need tag removal do you?" She asked hopefully.

"No. And don't feel bad about being jealous," Lindsey gestured his head toward the brunette and whispered, "so am I." Iris gave him a funny look before blushing. Meanwhile, Cordelia had grabbed some more of the leather pants, one of each color and also some more shirts which she placed on the counter as Xander watched.

"Cordy, what...."

"We'll take these too." Cordy told the girl who was slowly taking the tag off the shirt, clearly taking her time.

"Have you ever had two people who weren't wearing crowns spend this much money here?" Xander asked the girl, who giggled.

"Well, your wife has good taste."

"Oh, no she's not my wife."

"Girlfriend?"

"No...she's just a friend with good fashion sense who helps dress me."

"Oh, well, it's nice that friends help other friends." The girl flirted with Xander while Lindsey and Cordelia watched. Neither could believe how oblivious Xander seemed as the girl introduced herself, making sure to get very close as she removed the tags. "So what do you do for a living, Xander?"

"I'm a carpenter - I build things."

"Really? That is so cool. I've always been fascinated by men who work with their hands and uhm, also architecture." Mindy amended, trying to cover up what she had almost said but was instead thinking....what a fucking hot body...so tanned...."Have you seen the new building they're constructing on Riverside?"

"That's my building...well, I mean, I work there." Xander replied just as Cordelia tapped loudly on the counter with Angel's credit card.

"Oh, my God. Standing at a cash register, holding a credit card and yet I'm finding myself incredibly bored. This has never happened before." Cordelia's voice was full of frustration. "Are you almost done there Mandy?"

"Mindy."

"Whatever." Cordelia handed the card to the girl, while Xander came out from behind the counter giving Cordy an appraising glance. What was up with the girl? Lindsey stood to the side, arms crossed, still smiling. He knew how charming Xander could be, without even realizing it and was enjoying the show.

"Oh, I love your neighborhood." Mindy looked at the address on the card, making a mental note to remember the address. "This credit card belongs to uhm, Angel Investigations."

"Yes, Angel is our boss....we work there."

"I thought you said you worked in construction?" Mindy ignored Cordelia, instead making conversation with Xander, while ringing up the rest of the clothes and putting them in a sack.

"I do...during the day. This is my night time job."

"Oh, well I guess that doesn't leave you much time for other things."

"That's so true, so we need to stop pretending this is career day and get on with the actual work." Cordelia pushed the clothes towards the girl.

"Actually, I have plenty of spare time for other things...construction and detective work is spotty. If the weather holds or doesn't, if you have a case or not. You know, the usual stuff and since I live in the apartment below the agency all I have to do is take the elevator to the bottom floor."

"Yeah...you know, there's a great gym not too far from your building. I go there but I don't remember ever seeing you....."

"Probably not. I don't go to a gym."

"Really? That's surprising because I was sure you worked out." Mindy's eyes swept over Xander appreciatively.

"Actually, I do...but at home, with my...."

"Still bored." Cordelia interrupted, snatching the credit card from the girl while Xander picked up the bag and started out the door.

"Excuse me, Xander." Mindy rushed over. "You almost forgot your receipt."

"That's okay. Angel will know how much it cost by the credit card statement and Cordelia said there were no returns so I really don't need it."

"We could make an exception for you....although I don't know why you would want to return that outfit."

"Thank you. That's nice of you to...."

"Whatever. Let's go." Cordelia pulled Xander towards the door. "God, what is your malfunction?"

"Cordy, she was just trying to be nice and all things considered, I thought...."

"Xander, she was totally checking you out."

"No, she wasn't."

"You are so blind! First, I have to try to keep you away from asshole attorney and now Slutty the Saleswoman. This is the last time I take you shopping." Cordelia smacked him on the back of the head.

"Ow and promise?" Lindsey heard Xander ask as they exited the store. He bent down to pick up the shirt Xander had dropped, just as Mindy did.

"I'll take that, Mr. McDonald. Xander will probably be back for it..." Lindsey was about to argue with the girl when she added, "or maybe I can take it to him."

"Yes, I'm sure Xander would appreciate that, Mindy." Lindsey smiled as he walked out of the store, imagining the expressions on Angel's and Spike's faces when some girl showed up at their apartment with Xander's shirt. He would love to be a fly on the wall.

****************************************************** "I can't believe I'm having to do this." Xander muttered, cursing as he tried to pull the tight, leather pants off while lying in the back seat of the car. Cordelia weaved through traffic, making it even more difficult to keep his balance.

"You wouldn't have to be if you hadn't gone all Conan the Protector back there. What was that all about anyway?" "Just returning Doyle's favor. He's protecting my sandwich...I was protecting his girlfriend." "I don't need...did you just compare me to a sandwich?"

"Sorry...but it's a really good sandwich." Xander's mouth watered as he thought about it. "I can't wait to get home." "I'm going as fast as I can."

"Speaking of which, can I introduce you to someone?"

"Who?"

"Mr. Brake!" Xander yelled, tumbling into the floorboard as Cordy dodged a stalled car. "My God, Cordy did you see that?"

"I know. People can be so inconsiderate. You'd think if they were going to break down, they'd do it on the side of the road."

"Yeah, I'm sure the car really meant to do just that." Xander finally managed to get the leather pants off, searching for his own while Cordelia talked.

"God, I forgot how much traffic is out this time of day. And also, now that I think of it, I need to get my license renewed."

"You don't have a valid driver's license?"

"Xander, relax. Yes, my driver's license is old by about two months but that doesn't mean I can't drive." Cordelia sped up, weaving again and throwing Xander butt first into the side window.

"Cordy, that's not funny...come on, stop horsing around." Xander crawled across the back seat, staying on his hands and knees as he continued to search for his pants.

"I'm not horsing I'm weaving, there's a....." Both jumped when they heard the police siren.

"Cordy, please tell me there's not a cop behind us."

"There's not a cop behind us..."

"Thank God."

"Because he's beside us." Cordy lamely waved at the officer who had pulled up next to her, motioning her to the side.

"Great...just great. I mooned a cop!" Xander frantically searched for his clothes. "Just stay calm, we are not in that much trouble. I'll get us out of this."

"That's only fair seeing as how it was your driving that got us in trouble in the first place."

"How was I supposed to know there was a policeman behind us? You made me put the mirror up so I wouldn't see you." Cordy pointed at the rearview mirror.

"He wouldn't have pulled us over if you hadn't been speeding, weaving in and out of traffic, stuff like that."

"It wasn't my driving...you mooned him, Xander!"

"Oh, God, I'm going to the bighouse." Xander finished putting on his pants and jumped into the front seat. "I'll have cellmates named Big Eddie or Big Randy and they'll want to make me their butt monkey!"

"Xander, calm down...he's coming." Xander huddled down into the front seat as the officer got to the window.

"Hello officer. Nice day isn't it?" Cordelia flashed her brightest smile at the policeman, who returned it before staring at Xander.

"Day? Hmm, and here I thought it was night. I was sure I saw a full moon." Cordelia laughed while Xander frowned at the man. "So what's wrong with your friend? Drunk? On drugs? Mental?"

"Hey! Sitting right here....uh, sir. And no, I'm not any of the above."

"Oh, then the standard pervert?"

"No!"

"It's a long story officer. See my friend and I were...."

"We'll get to that in a moment. Can I please see your license, registration and proof of insurance?"

"Sure." Cordy gathered up everything and handed them to the officer. "Here you go Officer Handsome."

"It's Hanson."

"Oh, I'm so sorry, but I'm sure you can understand the slip of the tongue." Cordelia smiled flirtatiously and the officer returned it.

"Your driver's license seems to have expired a few months ago."

"Yes, but you see, I'm an actress and I've been so busy lately...."

"An actress, huh? I should've guessed that. This picture is absolutely gorgeous."

"You really think so?" Officer Hanson nodded. "I think I might have just rolled out of bed and went and had it taken."

"Well, since it's only been a couple of months and you've been so busy...I won't give you a ticket. But make sure that you get a current license as soon as possible.

"Oh, I will. Thank you so much. You're so sweet."

"As for your friend..."

"I'll make sure he doesn't get out of this seat...please don't give him a ticket or take him to jail."

"I'm not going to do either."

"You're not?" Cordy and Xander chorused as the officer laughed.

"Hell, no. Seeing him like that made my day. I'm going to be laughing for hours....wait till I tell the other guys."

"Glad I could amuse you," Xander grumbled.

"But you might want to put a shirt on...it's cool out here." Officer Hanson turned and walked back to his car while Cordy sighed in relief.

"My shirt." Xander glanced around before leaning over the seat to look in the back. "Cordy, where's my shirt?"

"Isn't it back there?"

"No. Damnit. I must've dropped it back at the store or in between there and the car. Great. Now what am I going to do? I can't go into the apartment without my shirt. Angel and Spike will flip out and not in the good way."

"Put your coat on and zip it up. I'll distract them until you can get into the bedroom and replace it." Xander did as Cordy instructed and sat back, hoping her plan worked.

******************************************************* Spike stood at the counter, watching Angel spar with Willow and Tara. He had been sparring with Dawn earlier but the girl was in the bedroom now getting read for her date with what's his name. Spike glanced at the clock, noticing how late it was getting. It wouldn't be long before Cordy's play...those two should've been back by now.

"Good job. Don't worry about me. That's good." Angel was encouraging Tara. The young woman had made great strides with her fighting. At first she had appeared to be a little timid but now she was full out swinging at Angel who kept blocking her fists while Willow drank her water, smiling proudly. "Good. That's it. Now where's your weight? Balls of your feet. Don't forget to follow ...uunh!" Angel yelled as Tara hit him with a right hook to the nose. The crack was so loud that it drew Wesley and Doyle's attention and spun Angel to face Spike who was grinning. Blood was pouring from Angel's nose and mouth as Spike handed him a towel.

"Ooops! Oh, God! I'm so sorry, Angel but you said to..." Tara stopped as Angel turned, taking the towel away and smiling at her. "Are you all right?"

"Tara, I'm a vampire. You can't hurt me."

"That's not the way it appeared to me." Willow pointed at the bloody rag as the men laughed and Tara blushed. "Good job, baby."

"Really?" Tara asked her and Angel used the distraction to turn towards the men and mouthed "ow" as he rubbed the bridge of his nose. He continued to rub his nose while the girls talked.

"No vampire is gonna want to mess with my girl." Willow hugged her girlfriend.

"Am I swelling?" Angel asked Spike, rubbing his face and turning it to the side. Spike leaned over the counter, checking out the damage before kissing his lover on the nose.

"You'll be fine - you big poofter. Next time, learn to protect your face."

"Oh, you think you can do better?" Angel gestured towards the girls. "Be my guest."

"Can't. Eating." Spike held up his mug. "Go on with you then. Tara the Terminator is waiting for you."

"Did you hear that, Tara? Spike called you.."

"I heard." Tara placed a gentle hand on Angel's shoulder. "I'm really very sorry."

"Don't be. It was a good move. That's what I want to see you do against vampires."

"But you're not any vampire. You're my friend." Before Angel could answer, Willow took up a fighting stance.

"My turn." Angel gave Tara a hug before facing Willow, hands in the air.

"Hold on there, tiger."

What's wrong? Am I not standing right?" Willow glanced down at her feet, Angel taking her by the shoulders and turning her around.

"We're going to work on that move I showed you the other day. If an attacker comes at you from behind..."

"I think I remember this one." Willow was practically hopping up and down now.

"Five bucks says Willow..." Doyle didn't get the chance to finish that sentence before Willow stepped back, using Angel's momentum to pull the vampire over her shoulder and onto the floor. Angel lay there, eyes closed, waiting to see what Willow would do next, listening to Doyle finish, "takes him down."

"I think I knocked him out." Willow started to bend down and check when Spike's voice stopped her.

"Never get that close to your opponent when you've got him down. Angel's faking, waiting to take you down if you get near him. What do you do?" Willow quickly scanned the room, picking up the rubber stick they used during work outs and smacking Angel on the head. Angel tried not to laugh and Spike was just about to tell her that staking a vampire would be better than hitting him on the head when Willow hit Angel again, just as the door opened and Cordy and Xander walked in. "Wil, what the hell did you hit Angel for? I thought you guys were friends." Xander dropped his package on the floor, forgetting about making a run for the bedroom.

"We are. We were training and I guess I got a little carried away. I wanted to do as well as Tara, she bloodied his nose....so I um, I threw him on the ground and I think I knocked him out."

"You guys are really getting scary. Poor baby, he probably needs blood." Xander wiped the blood from his boyfriend's cheek before racing for the kitchen, grabbing the mug of blood out of Spike's hand. "Thanks."

"Bloody hell, Xander, calm down. It's not like Angel's dying. He's probably faking...

"How could you say that?" Xander bent down, putting his hand under Angel's neck and lifting his head up so he could drink. "Come on, baby. Drink this." Angel moaned, enjoying the attention while Spike and the others approached. "See? He's in pain. Besides, Angel would never fake..." Angel had grabbed the boy, pulling Xander down on top of him before kissing him.

"Willow, if I were going to kill a vampire, I would stake him, not hit him on the head." Cordelia pointed out.

"That's what I was about to tell her." Spike agreed as Angel and Xander broke their kiss.

"See what happens when you get close to a downed vampire?" Angel asked Willow.

"They start making out with you?" Willow answered just as Xander sat up, smacking Angel's head.

"Xander, what the hell was that for?" Angel rubbed his head.

"For scaring me, you asshole. Here I was, worried that you were hurt, sticking up for you when Spike said you were faking and you were acting all along.

"And not very well, I might add. That fake groan was way over the top." Cordelia gave her opinion while Spike came up behind Xander, knocking him back down on top of Angel and pinning the boy between them.

"You talk too much and get sidetracked, you let your guard down. When that happens, they can bite you." Spike swept Xander's hair to the side and Xander cocked his head, allowing Spike full access to his throat. Spike groaned, his arms tightening around his lovers when he heard Xander whisper his name.

"Now that was a convincing groan." Cordelia approved while Spike continued to nibble at Xander's neck, finally making his way to the boy's ear.

"Like that, luv?"

"You know..uhhh," Xander gasped when Spike bit his earlobe.

"Something tells me the answer is yes." Angel told Spike before turning his attention on Xander. "I'm sorry I scared you, Xander." Angel raised his head and kissed Xander again. Their friends cleared their throats while Cordelia picked up Willow's water and poured it over the three men.

"Bloody fucking hell!" Spike yelled, rolling off the other two who broke their kiss with a splutter.

"What did you do that for?" All three yelled at Cordelia who set the the empty bottle down with a thud.

"What's going on out-sorry to interrupt the sex-capades." Dawn had entered the room to see what the commotion was about and had figured it out. "Those three were at it again, right?"

"When aren't they?" Cordelia complained as the three men stood up, wiping water off of them.

"You know guys, my friend Sharon's older brother knows a girl who almost died cause she choked on her boyfriend's tongue."

"Don't need to breathe, Dawn."

"No, but Xander does Angel and you had-"

"Remember that when you and what's his name go out tonight."

"Spike! We haven't, we don't, okay I will."

"You let him stick his tongue in your mouth?" Spike was appalled at the thought of his nibblet doing such things with a boy.

"Gross. No. Not yet, anyway." Dawn turned to Willow. "Can you and Tara take me to Alana's?"

"I'll take you there, since I'm heading that way." Wesley offered, heading towards the door.

"On your motorcycle...cool!" Dawn followed, waving good-bye at the others.

"Wear your helmet!" Everyone chorused. Dawn nodded, sighing when Spike stopped her.

"You tell boy-toy that if I catch his tongue anywhere inside your mouth I'll rip it out."

"Kettle meet Spike." Dawn tossed back before leaving.

"So is anyone going to explain why it was necessary to scare me half to death?" Xander was angry now that the fear and lust had ebbed.

"I'm sorry. It was my fault." Angel told him, stepping forward and putting his arms around Xander. "I thought you were cute-with the 'mother hen' routine. Made me feel special...loved."

"You are." Xander gave him a kiss. "Both of you are." Xander kissed Spike before the younger vampire could get angry about being left out. "So Angel, you got bested by the girls?"

"Spike and I have created monsters. Tara the Terminator and Willow the Wiccan Warrior." Angel teased the girls who blushed.

"In our defense, I think Angel was off his game. He was worried about you and Cordy being gone so long just to get...." Willow's eyes followed Xander's to the sack he had thrown on the floor. "What else did you buy?"

"Nothing." Xander hurried over and snatched up the bag, trying to conceal it's contents while edging his way towards the bedroom. "Nothing for me, anyway. Nope, this is all Cordy's."

"So you make a habit of taking Cordy's things to your bedroom?" Doyle asked.

"What? No, I was going the long way around the room because I didn't want to cross in between anyone's path...that's rude you know."

"Uh-huh. Since when has the man who puts whoopee cushions under Wesley when he's not looking just so he can hear the farting noise, worry about being rude?" Spike asked.

"I'm trying to change...become more considerate and everything." Xander maneuvered around the vampires to hand the bag to Cordy. "Here you go."

"Thanks." Cordelia took the bag, smacking Doyle's hand when he reached for it.

"Ow! I was just gonna see what you bought.

"I didn't...Angel did. Here's your credit card." Cordy handed Angel the card.

"Not that I mind or anything, but why am I buying your clothes?"

"Uhm, because you love me and you wanted to give me something nice to wear to the big party I'm having to celebrate you, Spike and Xander getting together for like eternity."

"You're having a New Years Eve Party, luv." Spike blew that alibi out of the water.

"Can I help it if you three getting together just happens to coincide with New Years Eve?"

"You aren't going to wear what I bought you?" Doyle asked, seeming hurt.

"Of course. Did I say the party?" Everyone nodded. "I meant for the cast party after the play tonight."

"We're not really going to that are we?"

"Of course we are. I can make contacts and you guys can talk me up...it'll be great."

"So is that what took you guys so long?" Angel put the card into his wallet.

"What's with the third degree here? My God, can't you see I'm nervous! Get a vision or something." Cordelia snapped at Doyle.

"Well, they don't come on your request, Princess."

"Okay, what happened that you don't want us to know about?

"Nothing and why do you have to be all suspicious all the time, Spike?"

"Yeah, guys, leave Cordy alone." Xander spoke up, entering the kitchen. "I mean, I know you all are protective but are you going to do this every time I got out with someone? I think we can handle ourselves. We're not suckers."

"Oh, one of you most certainly is, luv.

"Okay, Mugsy what--?" Angel and Spike said at the same time, both getting interrupted by Xander's cries from the kitchen.

"Merciful Zeus!" Xander bent down, opening and shutting the refrigerator, the cabinets and shelves in a desperate search for something. Spike snuck up behind him, staring appreciatively at Xander's ass.

"Xander, what are you doing?" Xander completely ignored him in his hasty search and Spike sighed, stepping up to grab the boy around the waist. "Hey, Xander's ass,. What are you doing?"

"Looking for my sandwich." Xander moved to check along the counter in case he'd missed it and in the process Spike's fingers, which were snaking underneath his coat, got caught in his jacket opening it.

"Xander, where's your shirt?" Angel asked.

"At the store." Xander answered without thinking. "Now here's a real question. Where's my sandwich?"

"Why did you leave your shirt at the store. Was there like a trade in sale or something going on?" Willow tried to joke to get Xander's mind off of his sandwich but she knew it was useless. She could see that hungry look in his eyes, stalking his food and she was afraid. She had seen what Xander had done to some of the kids at school when they messed with his food and it wasn't pretty. Mustard on their shirt, mayonnaise down their pants. Friends were no exceptions either...Buffy had gotten ketchuped once for trying to eat a french fry from his tray.

"Enough about the shirt, Will! Starving man here! Someone took my sandwich!"

"Oh, no. Should we call the police?" Spike snarked.

"Yeah, good idea. Description...long hoagie bun filled with pastrami, bologna, roast beef, turkey, liver loaf with two different cheeses...swiss and american and oh, it had mayonnaise and mustard."

"So much for me getting you to eat healthy." Angel grumbled.

"Hey, I said liverloaf and turkey, didn't I?"

"Well, while I'm talking to the cops about your missing sandwich should I ask about your shirt as well?" Spike asked, waiting for an explanation and getting irritated that Xander wasn't catching onto his sarcasm yet.

"Okay, a good detective would follow the trail of crumbs. I left it right here on the counter when I left with Cordy and I asked Doyle to watch it for me." Xander stared accusingly at Doyle, still totally ignoring Spike's questions.

"Xander, come on. It was just a sandwich." Doyle shrugged but stepped behind Cordy when Xander neared him. Mental note...never joke about missing food with Xander.

"Just a sandwich? Did I hear you correctly? Did you just say it was just a sandwich?"

"I was very wrong about that though, wasn't I?"

"For the past few days I didn't know if I would ever be able to keep anything down again. I get up this morning, feeling much better so I fix myself a perfect sandwich for my grumbling stomach only to be drug out of here to go shopping before I could eat it by your girlfriend who promised we wouldn't be long. But guess what? I've been at the mall with Cordy all day for crying out loud! All you had to do was watch one sandwich but no you couldn't manage that! Me, on the other hand, I was humiliated, got into a fight, had to change clothes in the back of a car being driven by Daisy Duke there..." Xander gestured at Cordy. "Hey!"

"Who got pulled over by the cops for speeding and having an expired license."

"Which we don't need to go into."

"Right, because you talked your way out of the tickets by batting your eyelashes and calling him Officer Handsome."

"You should be greatful...after all it kept you from getting put in jail for indecent exposure."

"Yeah, I suppose so. What a crappy day! I just wanted my sandwich, you know, comfort food." Xander turned his puppy eyes on Doyle. "You didn't eat it did you?"

"No, I would never--"

"Okay! Okay! I did it. Me and Dawnie. We ate your sandwich." Willow confessed, breaking under the pressure of puppy dog eyes and guilt. "God, that felt good to let it out. You know what they say, 'confession is good for the soul'."

"It may be good for the soul but it does nothing for my empty stomach. I can't believe my best friend ate my sandwich and that Doyle, you let her?"

"I tried to stop them but you were too fast."

"Come on, Xan. It was a simple mistake and also Dawnie's idea. It could happen to anyone. Still love me?"

"Yeah." Xander flopped down in a chair, jumping back up when he heard Willow's next words as she walked towards the garbage can.

"If it helps, some of it may still be in the trash."

"What? How can that possibly help? I may eat food from lots of places but garbage isn't one of them. I can't believe you threw it away!"

"Well, in our defense, it was pretty big and Dawn didn't eat that much because she wants to buy a size 5 dress for the party when she goes out with you guys tomorrow and you know how I always just like to nibble at my food. We offered some to Doyle, Wesley or Tara but they didn't want any of it so we threw it away."

"You let her throw my sandwich away? Doyle, why didn't you tell her to put it in the fridge? You knew how much I wanted that sandwich."

"I thought that's where she was taking it since most people would do that but she dropped it in there." Doyle pointed at the small trash can. "It is beside the fridge so..."

"Found it!" Willow held up the left over portion which was over half the sandwich.

"I can't believe this! Over half of it is still there. What were you thinking?"

"That we were done and that no one would want to eat the rest of a half eaten sandwich...germs and all." Willow held out the sandwich but Xander shook his head. "It's wrapped up."

"I don't care, talk about germs and hey, I don't eat out of the trash. You have wasted a perfectly good sandwich young lady. I can't believe you of all people would do something like this."

"Because I'm your best friend?" Willow threw the sandwich back in the can.

"That and the fact that you threw away that sandwich when there are so many hungry people in the world. Good God, woman there are thousands of starving children out there, including me! If your mother could see you now," Xander tsked, remembering all the lectures Mrs. Rosenberg had given her daughter about wasting food and how she had always told Willow to be more like him...in the food department anyway.

"You're right. I shouldn't have wasted food like that. My mother would be very disappointed in me." Xander saw her reaction, the teary eyes and was immediately sorry for making such a big deal about the food, and especially bringing up Willow's mother. Willow had spent her entire life trying to gain her parent's respect. He felt all wound up and a little shaky from the events of the day.

"We'll never tell her. She'll still consider you her perfect daughter. Wouldn't want to ruin your reputation. I shouldn't have gotten onto you like that. I'm just very hungry and I think I was channeling Sally Struthers there for a few moments." Xander put his arm around Willow's shoulder and she noticed that he was shaking.

"Xander, are you okay? You're shaking and now that I...you face is very pale."

"Just tired. I'm fine. I just need..."

"Here, Xander I-I made you another one." Tara sat the sandwich she had been making down on the table and Xander gave her a hug.

"You're the best." Xander sat down and began wolfing down his sandwich as Spike and Angel approached, both of them noticing the shaking of the hands, the sheen of sweat on his body, smelling the mixed emotions. When Angel touched Xander's shoulder, the boy jumped...yes, definitely nervous.

"Xander, sweetie, are you okay?"

"Yeah, luv, you seem off."

"Just hungry but Tara fixed that. Well, hungry mixed with the day Cordy and I had and you can see why I'm like this. I'll be better after I eat." Cordy saw the expressions on the vampire's faces and knowing what was coming she tried to make a hasty exit, grabbing Doyle by the hand.

"Well, now that Inspector Clueless has solved the case of the missing sandwich, let's go."

"Not so fast, Nancy Drew." Spike rose and Cordelia froze. "We still have the case of the missing shirt to solve.

"Well, you two Hardy boys will have to figure it out on your own. I have a play to get ready for."

"Yeah, Joe let Nancy and Ned leave." Xander agreed, not liking the dirty look Cordy was giving him. "I'll fill you and Frank in about today."

"No, I think Ted needs to hear as well." Angel pointed at Doyle wondering where these names were coming from and totally confused.

"It's Ned, Angel." Xander corrected before taking another bite of his sandwich. "Do we have any chips to go with this?"

"Sure, I'll get them." Willow brought out the chips, almost dropping them when Spike lost it. He was worried about Xander but he needed to know what the hell had happened today so he did what he always did in these types of situations...he growled and demanded answers.

"Enough with the food and the pop culture references that Angel apparently doesn't understand. What the bloody hell happened today?!"

"Yeah, cause as Angel said, Ned wants to hear too." Doyle sat down on the couch, pulling Cordy down next to him. "Have a seat, Nancy."

"Fine, but if I'm late for the play, you're not getting sex for a week at least."

"I'll risk it."

"Will, can you grab me a soda? Spike, Angel sit down and I'll tell you everything." Angel and Spike sat down at the kitchen table while Willow handed Xander a soda. "Thanks. So where do you want me to start?"

"How did you lose your shirt?" Angel cut right to the chase and Xander shifted uncomfortably.

"Um, I think that question has many, um, possible answers."

"Would you care to venture one?"

"Would you...care to...venture one, that is."

"Xander, are you repeating everything I'm saying to avoid the question?"

"Maybe. Or maybe you're repeating what I'm saying, ever think of that?"

"That's it! I want answers and I want them right now!" Angel yelled, causing Xander to drop the rest of the sandwich in his lap, while choking on his soda. Willow immediately started patting Xander on the back and while everyone's attention was on them, Spike quickly nicked his finger on the side of the can and dripped some blood into the soda before giving Angel the evil eye.

"I want answers just as much as you do, but you're not gonna get anything out of him if you cause him to choke or hyperventilate. Do you think we should call Wes?"

"No! I'll be okay...once I get this food into me and Cordy tells you what happened." Xander cast a pleading look at Cordy.

"Fine, I'll start." Cordelia spoke up. "We went shopping and I got everything on my list and..."

"You didn't have a list." Doyle pointed out while Cordy tapped her finger against her temple.

"My mental list. God, keep up or this is going to be a long story. Anyway, I got my stuff and Xander almost got something that wasn't on the list. A whore."

"You mean some bird took Xander's shirt? Where the bleeding hell did you take him? Sluts-R-Us.?

"No, but do you think there is such a place and if there is I wonder if they're hiring because this girl would totally fit in. I mean, here I am holding the credit card and all she can do is flirt with Xander while she plays with his pants. It was disgusting." Spike and Angel looked at Xander who gave them a nervous laugh.

"It's not what it sounds like. Cordy's making too much of that-uhm-conversation. See, the girl was a saleslady and she was just trying to be nice, you know, to make a sale we were just talking."

"So she didn't have her hands on...or in your pants?" Angel asked.

"No, definitely not down...but funny thing... she had to take those big tags that make noise when you go out the doors off of my pants."

"Funny, I don't remember you having security tags on your pants this morning. New style?" Doyle asked.

"No, they weren't those pants, obviously. I got a outfit for tomorrow night, okay? I didn't want Angel or Spike to know or to see it. Cordy thought it would be nice, sorta like a wedding dress, except it's not a dress. That's why I didn't want you guys to look in the bag."

"That's so sweet." Willow said, glancing at Cordy.

"Well, I do have my moments. And wait till you see him in it. It's so perfect and totally worth the price."

"What does it look like?"

"Well, the pants have these..."

"Cordy!" Xander ran his finger across his throat, cutting her off.

"Sorry, Willow. Can't tell you in front of the v-a-m-p-"

"We can spell, Cordelia." Angel interrupted, his interest piqued, but still annoyed at not knowing what had happened. "Can we get away from the fashion talk and move on with the story?" Angel looked at Xander. "As in, why didn't you just try the outfit on and then put your own clothes back on like most people do?"

"Yeah, I mean if we weren't supposed to see this outfit why did you wear it out of the store in the first place?"

"Actually, I just wanted to take the clothes and pay for them but Cordy was like 'no you have to try them on, no refunds, blah-blah-blah'. If I hadn't listened to her, none of the other stuff would've happened."

"Excuse me? I was trying to do something nice for you, Xander Harris. And how was I supposed to know that Lindsey shopped there, too."

"Lindsey! It always comes back to that fucking wanker! Was he the one...I'll bloody well rip his throat out. I'll gut him and-" Spike began pacing back and forth.

"Did he try something with you?" Angel was pissed as well.

"No. Matter-of-fact, he was hitting on Cordy." Now Doyle was on his feet, pacing, he and Spike almost bumping into each other as they passed. "So did you say something about ripping out his lungs and twisting them around his neck?"

"Twisting them around his neck and choking him with them...good idea."

"What are we waiting for? Let's go." Doyle headed for the door but Cordelia stepped in front of him, giving Doyle a hug.

"You are so cute when you're jealous. I could just eat you up."

"Really?" Doyle was pleased at Cordy's reaction until he remembered why he was mad. "Did he put his hands on you?"

"Nah. He was just being his annoying self. Well, actually Lindsey played the 'had nothing to do with hurting Xander, I'm trying to get over him but I can't'card and I kinda felt sorry for him but-" Cordelia stopped when Xander gave a sarcastic laugh.

"God, women can be so gullible."

"Hey, I wasn't the one who dated the asshole for months was I? Who's the gullible one now?" Cordy crossed her arms and glared at Xander.

"Momentary lapse of judgment. Besides, we're talking about the present past, not the past-uh-past."

"Huh?"

"I came out to show Cordy that the clothes fit and I overheard Lindsey talking to Cordy about dumping Doyle. We exchanged a few not so very pleasant words, he pissed me off, I hit him, then I ran into the dressing room and got my clothes because I didn't want to leave Cordy alone long enough to change, we paid for the new stuff and then we left. End of story."

"Yeah, Junior Superhero thought I couldn't take care of myself, ergo the security tag thing and the losing of the shirt."

"You hit Lindsey?" Spike smiled, enjoying that one part of the story.

"Yep."

"Would you say it was a tap or a-"

"Let's just say Lindsey and a rack of clothes a few feet away got up close and very personal."

"How many feet?" Now Angel was smiling as well.

"I don't know. I didn't measure."

"But it was a hard hit? Possibly with lots of blood and some bruising?" Spike asked.

"Geez, guys do you want me to go back to the store and get the bloody towel so you can see how much damage I did to his face?"

"Yes, and get the security tape. I'd like to watch it." Spike answered before remember the girl. "I mean, no." He walked over to the table, leaning down to give Xander a passionate kiss. Angel was next and by the time they were done, Xander's eyes were glazed with desire.

"Wow. If I had known I'd get this kind of reaction from you two I would've hit him some more.

"I'm not going to kiss you but I do appreciate you looking out for my princess."

"Like I said, I can take care of myself against anyone. I got out of those tickets didn't I...oops." Cordy placed her hand over her mouth, realizing she had just opened up another can of worms.

"Let's talk about tickets and Officer Handsome."

"Yeah, Cor fill Doyle in." Xander started eating again while everyone turned their attention on Cordelia.

"I was just driving along, minding my own business, doing absolutely nothing wrong when..."

"By nothing she means speeding and weaving through traffic..."

"Says the guy who's so clumsy he kept falling off of the back seat while trying to change clothes."

"I wouldn't have kept falling off the seat if you had been driving like any other normal person in California." Xander thought for a minute before adding, "Actually, she was driving like them so never mind."

"Anyway, Xander was bitching, I was driving and I hear a siren so I look over and there he is right next to me, pulling me over because Xander was flashing his ass at everyone."

"I was looking for my clothes, all right? And then Cordy made this turn and my butt ended up against the window. Totally not my fault."

Xander offered as everyone began to laugh. "The cop was an asshole. He called me a pervert. And he kept making jokes about full moons."

"I had to flirt with that policeman so he wouldn't take Xander to jail for indecent exposure and also because my license expired a couple of months ago and I forgot to get it renewed."

"No more driving until you get a new one, understood?" Angel asked.

"Fine, Dad."

"I'll drive till then." Doyle assured Angel, before asking Cordy, "so how much flirting was involved in this escape?"

"Medium." Xander spoke up. "Some batting of the eyelashes, but not showing any cleavage...mostly just talking the guy up, saying things like 'Oh, Officer Handsome, that old picture? It's really not my best. I had just gotten out of bed'." Xander mocked Cordy.

"The officer's name was Handsome?"

"No, silly. It was Hanson. I just made that up on the spur of the moment and believe me it wasn't easy because that guy was not handsome in the least." Cordelia assured Doyle, who glanced at Xander waiting for confirmation.

"Cordelia's definitely not into old, bald guys who are developing a paunch."

"So basically, Cordelia did what any female would do under the circumstances." Angel took up for her.

"Good on you, cheerleader."

"Easy for you guys to say. What if that cop had been gay...or a woman? Would you want Xander to flirt with them even if they were old?"

"I think Xander did his fair share of ass-kissing." Spike's voice was innocent but his smirk gave him away as the others laughed at his joke.

"Besides, Cordelia was handling the situation. I'm sure she didn't need Xander butting into the conversation."

"Willow's right. Xander was really being an asshole." Cordy agreed.

"He called me a perv." Xander defended himself. "And by the way, ha-ha guys...so not funny."

"What was he supposed to think, Xander? Maybe he thought you were on drugs...maybe crack?" Doyle offered. Xander glared at him, Spike, Cordelia and Willow before turning to Angel. "Help me out here, big guy." Angel tried to appear stern as he faced the others.

"Come on, leave Xander alone or I'll have to assert my authority around here."

"Angel!"

"I'm sorry, baby." Angel put his arms around Xander as he tried not to laugh. "Nobody's going to make any more wisecracks."

"Okay! That's it!" Xander pushed away from Angel while everyone but Tara laughed. "At least Tara is acting mature about all of this."

"I-uh-I don't like to make fun of other people, especially my friends. You guys should be ashamed of yourselves. If you look at this from Xander's aspect..." Tara clapped her hand over her mouth, giving Xander an apologetic look as the others began laughing again.

"You people are sooo immature. And when did you become such a bucket full of funny?" Xander interrupted Angel.

"When I fell in love with you and Spike. You two make me happy. Besides, hanging out with all of you, a guy has to develop a sense of humor."

"Wow, glad we manage to crack you up. Damn it!" Xander stomped h is foot as the laughter began again.

"See? Even you're doing it now." Spike pointed out, he and Angel trying to corner Xander. "You know, if that had happened to one of us, you would have been the first one to get a dig in."

"You did give Wes a hard time when we found out he was head boy." Willow reminded him, thinking about the days of jokes that had followed.

"Well, let me tell you something! I have tasted my own medicine and it is bitter! And I am tired of being the butt of everybody's jokes. Shit!" Xander cursed himself when the others began to laugh again and he realized what he had done. He tried to stay mad but eventually he began to laugh with them. "Oh, who am I kidding? When I am subconsciously making fun of myself, how can I expect you guys not to do it. Besides, it was kinda funny in a very embarrassing sort of way." Xander stopped laughing when he saw the expression on Angel's face. The vampire had stopped laughing and was just staring at him. "Angel, what's wrong?"

"Nothing." Angel backed Xander into the wall, his fingers tracing Xander's mouth. "God, I love that smile."

"You do?" Xander gulped.

"I could look at it all day," Angel placed a kiss on the left side of Xander's mouth, "and never get tired of seeing it." now the other side, "It's so warm it's like taking a walk in the sunshine." Angel's lips met Xander's, plundering it in a smoldering kiss, leaving the whole room suddenly quiet and very aroused.

"It is getting a little hot in here," Spike agreed, gently nudging Angel to the side so he could have his turn with Xander. He pressed his body into Xander's, rubbing their erections together. Spike's kiss was softer but still as sensual as Angel's had been. "Let's have some laughs and giggles in the bedroom."

"That's just what I was saying to Tara." Willow agreed, taking her girlfriend's hand and heading for the spare room while Spike dove in for another kiss.

"Hold it right there, everyone!" Cordelia yelled, causing Xander to break their kiss and stopping Willow and Tara in their tracks.

"Act like we don't hear her." Spike whispered.

"Won't work. Best to see what she wants, get them out of here so we can all have some fun." Angel advised while Willow nodded in agreement.

"What CC?" Xander asked.

"Don't give me that look. I've got the same thing on my mind right now but first we have to deal with this." Cordy placed the slateboard on the table. "I'm going to leave this here. Don't forget it when you come to the theater."

"Yes, ma'am." Xander mock saluted.

"Play. The play. We really need to get ready now." Willow slipped inside the bedroom, taking Tara with her.

"What's the hurry, Will?" Xander called out. "We still have three hours--"

"Shut up, Xander...that's said with affection of course." Willow slammed the door behind her while Doyle began to curse.

"No fair. We have to drive home before..."

"I'll make it a pleasant drive." Cordelia promised, Doyle's eyes lighting up as they made their way to the door.

"Hey, you two. That's not a very good idea." Angel warned, knowing what they were up to since Spike and Xander had tried the same thing on him several times. "You don't want to have a wreck."

"We won't. Doyle's great at multi-tasking, so stop being a worry wart." Cordelia opened the door and stopped. "Or maybe not."





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