Xander set the picture down and looked at his watch. It had only been a few minutes since he had talked to Angel and Spike so he figured he had an hour or two to kill. David had gone to the kitchen to get a couple of waters for them so he leaned back in the chair, closing his eyes for just a moment. He was bone tired so it didn't take long for him to drift off. He jumped when he heard a familiar voice.

"Xander, moving up in the world."

Xander sat up, rubbing his eyes and looking at the girl before rubbing his eyes again. *Yeah, she was still there*. "Anya? How are you?"

"Ducky, you?" she asked, sarcasm in her voice.

"How did you find me and how did you get in?" Xander stood to face his ex-girlfriend, touching her to make sure she was real. *Yep, she was real*.

Anya swatted his hands away from her. "Hands off the merchandise. You don't get to to go there, Xander. You broke up with me, remember?"

"I remember. But how did you get in?"

"I teleported. Haven't you heard? I'm a vengeance demon again. D'Hoffryn gave me back my old job and I've come to either eviscerate you or damage you badly. I haven't made up my mind yet."

"Oh, shit." This was just what he needed. A vengeance demon out to maim and mangle his body parts. Xander decided he'd better do some fast talking if he wanted to keep all his said bodily parts intact, especially his dick. "Ahn, please let me, uh, explain. I know there is nothing that I can say or do to make you understand, I can't. But you gotta believe me, please, I never wanted to hurt you."

"I just don't understand. We had a good sex life didn't we? I mean, we compulated many times and you seemed to enjoy it."

"Yes, we did copu-, have sex a lot and it was enjoyable but there was always something missing."

"Oh, like say a PENIS! You could have told me that you were gay before we had sex. You used me, Xander."

"What? No, that isn't true----"

"I thought you were having orgasms because of me but you were probably thinking about Giles the whole time."

"Are you crazy? Giles is...well, I can see where you might think that, especially when he gets all Ripper but....hey, can I just say euw! Giles is like my role model or something."

"Oh...I didn't know Giles was gay. Does Joyce know?"

"Huh? Why would you think Giles is gay?" Xander was losing grasp of the conversation.

"You just said he was your role model, and I always did wonder about him and that Ethan Rayne guy."

"Anya, I meant Giles is like a father figure to the gang and besides, he hates Ethan."

"You hated Angel...and Spike."

"But that was different."

"How?"

"Because ....I always thought Angel and Spike were attractive, even when I thought I hated them but I've never heard Giles say anything about finding other men good looking."

"So that's how you tell if a man is gay. Huh. If that's the case I should have noticed that about you right away. I always did think it was weird that you liked Mulder better than Scully."

"That was because he believed in all of that supernatural stuff and Scully didn't. It had nothing to do with the fact that he's an attractive man." Xander defended himself.

"See, there you go," Anya said knowingly. You just said he was an attractive man."

"Whatever. Look, Ahn if you're going to kill or maim me just do it because I've got other things to do."

"Well that statement didn't make much sense."

"Neither does this conversation. And in my defense I told you at the hospital that I was gay and you didn't try to kill me then."

"Oh, that. I didn't have my powers back then and I thought it was just a phase you were going through. That's why I gave you time to test the waters. To let you see if the grass is greener on the other side or some human nonsense like that. So, do you still want me to be your girlfriend or not?'

"Anya, I care about you as a person...demon....how about we just go with friend. But not like that. I love Spike and Angel. The really scary, deep down, can't live without them kind of love. It's not a phase I'm going through, it's who I am and who I am likes guys, two in particular. I think that's why my relationships with girls never went so well. I was trying to ignore the real me... the one that likes guys. I don't want you to take our breaking up as a bad thing, it's good. You can find someone who can love you the way you deserve to be loved and I've already found the men that make me happy. Anya, I'm just trying to be honest with you."

"Yes, honesty now. Congratulations, Xander on being honest now. I wonder what the medal will say?" Anya was becoming angry again.

"Okay, clearly I'm not handling this well."

"Well, duh!"

"Look, I know this is not what you want to hear and maybe it's coming out all wrong but it's the truth. I'm sorry if you don't like it, I'll be sorrier if we can't be friends, but that's the way it is." Xander hoped and prayed Anya wouldn't rip him to shreds. Anya stared at him for a moment and Xander was beginning to hope his speech had worked when she started yelling at him again.

"I wish you felt the pain of a thousand searing pokers boiling your heart in it's juices." Xander clutched at his heart in fear. *No, heart doing fine for now.* "I wish you had tentacles where you beady eyes should be." Xander touched his eyes and found no tentacles before he realized what she had said and fear turned to anger.

"Hey, my eyes are not beady."

"Are too. I wish your intestines were tied in knots and ripped apart inside your lousy guts." Xander touched his stomach, realizing that the knot of fear in his stomach was causing it to hurt.

"They feel like they are."

"Really? Right now? Does it hurt?" Anya asked hopefully and Xander glared at her.

"Gee, thanks for your concern. Yes it does. It hurts so bad it's killing me. I'm really nervous about what you're going to do to me."

"Damn, you're talking about metaphor intestines. You're not in any real pain."

"Sorry to disappoint you... or actually I'm not."

"God what is wrong with me?"

"Well, for one thing you can't seem to take no for an answer, you don't listen very well, you like money way too much ----" Xander started ticking off Anya's faults on his fingers.

"Wait a minute. I just remembered something. I'm the wronged party here, so I can't do anything to you."

"So, that's it then. You can't hurt me, I've apologized to you, so can we be friends?"

"I can't exact vengeance on behalf of myself. I've been away from the business way too long. In my defense I haven't been scorned by a man in like 1000 years so I haven't had to make a wish for myself." Anya suddenly looked very pleased with herself. "I know what I'll do."

"Anya, I didn't scorn you. We hadn't even begun having a real relationship when I - "

"Halfrek! Hallie, get your ass down here now!" Anya yelled, ignoring Xander.

Xander cringed when a woman with a horrible looking face appeared in a puff of smoke. "Friend of yours?"

The woman turned and looked at him. "I have been called and vengeance shall I reek. Cower, masculine one, tremble as you face my wrath." She looked surprised when she saw who it was who had called her. "Anyanka? Oh, my God." she ran over to the girl, hugging Anya while they giggled.

Xander decided to make the most of the distraction and started inching towards the door, just as David opened it.

"I heard a lot of noise in here. Are you alright?" David stopped when he saw the two women standing in front of him. "Oh, sorry didn't know you had company."

"Stay right where you are, Xander Harris," Anya turned to Halfrek. "Gosh, I'm glad you answered my call, Hallie.

"Me too. So how many pieces would you like him in?" Hallie pointed at Xander.

"Halfrek, I didn't summon you to kill Xander. I just wanted you to do something a little less deathy."

"Oh, my what an embarrassing mistake."

"Wow, uh you two clearly have a lot of catching up to do so we'll just not be here," Xander tried to drag David out the door. The other man never moved, entranced by the two women in front of him.

"I thought I told you not to move, Xander. Just because I don't want you dead doesn't mean I don't want some body parts to fall off." Halfrek gave Anya an apologetic look.

"Sorry about the death thing. I guess I got the message garbled. You know how it is. Half the time I have no idea if I'm maiming the right guy. So that man with the large upper arms is the one that dumped you?"

"Yes."

"And you're upset about that?"

"Yes."

"Why?" Hallie looked confused.

"What do you mean why? What's wrong with me?" Xander forgot about being scared when he heard the question.

"Well, you have beady eyes and your ears are a little large but other than that----I guess you're alright for a human."

"Geee, what a compliment coming from someone like you. Have you looked in the mirror lately?" Xander turned towards Anya. "So, Ahn, the way she looks with the face... that isn't what you look like when you do your vengeance thing is it?

Is there something wrong with her? Do you think she's unattractive, because I'll have you know Halfrek was always considered to be a great beauty." Anya defended her friend.

"Oh, I'm sure she was. It's just, well, Ahn there is some veinyness." Xander pointed out.

"It's not like you're so perfect either, what with your strangely large upper arms and your tendency to criticize." Anya argued. "And besides, you're having sex with two vampires. Have you forgotten how ugly vampires are with their demon faces on?"

"Spike and Angel don't do the face thing that much around me and even if they did, I find that very----

"Attractive. I know."

"The large upper arms are called muscles, Ahn and if I'm so gross and annoying why do you care whether we broke up or not? Seems to me you'd be saying 'good riddance'."

"He's right," Hallie agreed. "I think you could do much better."

"Maybe. But I loved him. He's very kind and brave and he has the sweetest smile and the nicest body."

Hallie stared at the two men. "I suppose so. But what about that one?" Hallie pointed at David. "Can he talk?"

"Yeah, and hear. It's just....well, I've always said that I would make a billion dollars in the software market and learn to talk to girls. Still working on step two, especially when they're as pretty as you are." David lowered his head shyly and Anya smiled.

"That's alright, David. You don't have to be shy with me. I know you find me attractive. I've seen you looking at my breasts."

"Ahn, I told you before - when a guy does that it just means his eyes are open." Xander turned to David. "Watch out for that one," he pointed at Anya, "She'll drop her dress in front of you and want to copulate."

"Really?" David's eyes grew wide at the idea. Xander took a long look at his friend, noticing that he was wearing a cape.

"What's up with that?"

"Oh, this? I decided to blow off my Board of Directors meeting because tonight is my night to be dungeon master. What do you think of it."

"Oh, it's very shiny," Anya smiled at him flirtatiously while he blushed. "Xander aren't you going to introduce us to your friend?"

"Ladies, this is David Nabbitt. David, this is Anya and ...uh...help me out here."

"Halfrek, but you can call me Hallie." Halfrek extended her hand and David shook it.

"Pleased to meet you. Are you ladies friends of Xander?"

"They're vengeance demons, David. Actually, this one," Xander pointed at Anya," And I used to date. She's here to have her," he pointed at Halfrek, "punish me for breaking up with her by ripping me to pieces, making my head explode or my penis fall off."

"Wow." David seemed impressed.

"That's all you have to say? Wow? I just told you that two very powerful vengeance demons are going to mutilate me and all you can say is wow?"

"Sorry," David apologized. "So, what kind of demons are they?"

"Vengeance demons. They exact vengeance on men when they wrong a woman and in this case they think that me, the man, wronged Anya, the woman." Hallie cleared her throat to get the men's attention.

"That was always Anyanka's raison d'etre. Most of us try to be a little more well rounded. And actually we prefer Justice Demon, FYI okay?"

"More well rounded? I am very well rounded." Anya argued.

"Absolutely," David answered without thinking. "Xander, you would have to be deaf, dumb and blind not to want a woman like Anya. If she were my girlfriend, I would never hurt her."

"I"m not any of those things, I'm gay. As in I like men, not women. I was just confused about my sexuality and then this beautiful girl showed interest in me, the town geek. I was thrilled at the time until I realized I liked men. And I didn't mean to hurt her feelings. I always thought Anya was incredible."

"Really? You're not just saying that so you can keep your penis attached to your body are you?" Anya asked, anger and hurt disappearing when she heard Xander's confession.

"Anya, as much as I like my penis right where it is, I wouldn't lie to you about something as important as that. You're terrific, it's just I'm absolutely head over heels in love with Spike and Angel."

"Well, I have to admit you do have good taste." Xander nodded and Anya frowned. "But I thought you told me there was another man."

"Lindsey. Yeah, well that didn't work out so well. He turned out to be someone I didn't know. I ended up with Angel and Spike which is good because I'm incredibly happy."

"What about Buffy? I thought she loved Angel. I don't think she'd be happy to know that you two are together."

"Buffy hates me right now, but I'm hoping she'll get over it and we can be friends again."

"Either that or she'll kill you with her super strength slayer powers."

"Yeah, thanks for pointing that out, Ahn. That's very comforting. Guess you and Buffy finally have something in common. The hating of Xander Harris."

"I don't hate you, Xander. I don't even want to curse you anymore. Damn it, Xander...you've made me feel sorry for you."

"Thanks, Anya. That's very sweet of you not to castrate me."

"Oh, it was nothing really. You were having identity issues. Pfft."

"Anya that's nothing to pfft at. I was really confused at the time."

"Yeah, but it's not like you were cheating on me with another woman because that would be a different story. I wouldn't be able to forgive you no matter how many sweet words you used. I would have to curse you like I did Olaf."

"Who's Olaf?"

"Oh, he's just some big, dumb guy that I turned into a troll, which by the way was how I became a vengeance demon in the first place." Anya laughed at the memory. "I wish he were here right now so you could see how close you came to being cursed good and proper."

"Wish granted," Hallie intoned and Olaf the Troll appeared in the doorway of the room.

"Oh, shit - Anya what did you do!" Xander eyed the very ugly, very large and very angry troll.

"Ooops."

"Ooops? That's all you have to say? Ooops?"

"That about covers it, yes."

Xander took another look at the large troll standing in front of them before casting his eyes heavenwards. "I try to be a nice guy. I try to help people, I work hard for a living and I even floss every day so why do you hate me so much?" ********************************************

Angel and Spike walked into the brothel, Spike immediately flinching from the smell of lust and sex. Angel eyed the room, disgusted at the men pawing the various demon women.

"This is pathetic." Spike nodded, lighting a cigarette. "I don't think smoking's allowed in here."

"Don't care, this place reeks. I need something to soothe my senses. Besides, I've never heard of a place where you buy a shag and can't have a cigarette afterwards."

"Getting horny, Spike?"

"Hardly. I only get horny when I scent you or Xander. Can't believe the boy would get so wound up about us visiting this place."

"Me either, but you have to admit it makes you feel good that he did."

"Always like it when our boy gets jealous. It makes Xander want to touch every part of our bodies----"

"Demanding kisses with those soft lips of his----"

"Saying he can't live without us, begging us to ----" Angel couldn't finish so Spike did.

"Fuck him while we thrust inside that warm....shit, let's get this over with so we can get back to the apartment." Spike started walking towards the back, Angel close behind. They snarled as a woman grabbed their arms, pulling them back in the direction they had come.

"We don't do vampires, sorry."

"We don't do whores, so that makes us even." Spike glared at her.

"Believe me when I say we just came to talk," Angel told her.

"We don't do that either." Angel pulled the picture David had faxed them out of his coat pocket.

"Name's Lonnie Edwards. You know him?"

"Even if I did, I wouldn't tell you."

"Discreet, that's good," Angel said.

"Essential in my line of work."

"How discreet would you say it is for one of your clients to be secretly photographed here and then blackmailed."

"What?"

"You know, a little of the old slap and tickle, with a little fuck and tell on the side," Spike explained.

"Bad for business, I guess." Angel added. "You tell us where we can find Lonnie Edwards and maybe we just might stop this before word hits the street."

"If it hasn't already," Spike concluded.

"Who's the girl?"

"We don't know but the client's name is David Nabbitt." A look of recognition crossed the woman's face and she turned to yell at one of her girls.

"Lena!" A girl demon dressed in a blue negligee walked forward, swishing her tail tantalizingly at the two vampires. "Talk to Lena."

"Oh, these two are pretty ones." Lena grabbed Angel's coat collar while wiggling her ass at Spike. "Threesomes are such fun."

"Depends on who the third party is," Spike stepped away from her touch.

"They're vampires, Lena."

"Really? Well I can make an exception. Just don't do that face thing and we'll get along great." She flirted with them before turning back to her boss, her hands in the air.

"Look, ma no hands." Her tail trailed provacatively over Spike and Angel's cocks. Angel grabbed her tail, while Spike growled at her.

"We're not interested in you, you stupid bint."

"Could have fooled me." Lena looked down at their swollen crotches.

"They're not for you. Talk of threesomes got our thoughts on someone else." Spike closed his duster so the girl would quit looking.

"That's too bad. We could have had so much fun."

"That's not why they're here, Lena."

"We're looking for him." Angel held up the picture of Lenny. "I think your boss here would like you to cooperate." One look at the woman and Lena knew what Angel said was true.

"Vampires." Lena sneered. "Alright, that's Lenny Edwards. He hangs out at Third and Preston. That's where you'll find him."

Angel and Spike started towards the door, smiling when they heard the girl yell, "I hope whoever you're sporting those hard ons for knows how lucky she is."

"He does but we'll make sure to get the point across as soon as we get home," Spike answered, exiting the building. When they got to the car, Angel pushed Spike up against the car, kissing the other vampire as his hand reached down to undo the button on Spike's pants. He pulled the zipper down, fondling the hard cock that sprang from it's confines as Spike did the same to him.

"I can't wait, Spike. Need you now." Angel opened the door and pushed Spike down onto the seat. He walked around to the other side, getting in so that they were both lying face to cock.

Spike licked along the head of Angel's erection, dipping his tongue into the slit, tasting the pre-cum that was leaking out. "Mmmmm. Tastes so good, always tasted so fucking good," Spike moaned before engulfing Angel's hard shaft. His head bobbed up and down as he sucked, licked and nibbled on Angel's cock. He felt Angel's tongue lick across his balls as the other vampire took his cock and sucked on the head while his hand jerked Spike off from the base of his cock to where Angel's mouth was. Both of them fell into an easy rhythm as they pleasured each other with years of experience. Spike's hand found Angel's ass, his fingers playing with the puckered hole before he thrust one inside. Angel moaned and filled Spike's mouth with his seed. The sensation of Angel moaning around the head of his cock sent shivers up Spike's spine and he thrust into Angel's mouth as he followed, both of them greedily swallowing the other's semen. They licked each other clean and sat up, kissing each other passionately for several minutes before they broke apart and fixed their pants. Angel turned in the seat and started the car, glancing over at Spike with a smile on his face. Spike returned the smile and they kissed each other again before Angel pulled out of the parking lot and into the street.

"So what do you think Xander is up to?" Spike lit a cigarette and looked at Angel.

"Nothing as good as what we've been doing," Angel laughed. "He's got a lot of making up to do. David's a nice guy but our poor boy is probably bored to tears." **************************************************************

Xander was still pondering why the fates hated him so much when he was snapped out of his thoughts by David's voice.

"Uh, Xander, I think that might be Olaf."

"Brilliant deduction, Watson."

"Huh?"

"Never mind." Xander turned towards the two vengeance demons. "Okaay, I've seen the nice, big and might I add very angry troll so you can send him back now."

Before Anya or Hallie could answer Olaf swung the large hammer in his hand, putting huge holes in the wall as he tried to destroy everything in sight. Xander glanced behind him, realizing if something wasn't done all his hard work, all his presents for his friends and loved ones, would be ruined.

"Hey, big fella why don't you calm down?" The troll ignored him as he smashed the chair in front of him.

"You will pay for bringing me here."

"I'll pay? That was a Chippendale, you mook." David pointed at the wrecked chair. Olaf glared at the man. "Never mind. Go right ahead. I have insurance and plenty of money to cover the cost of a new one."

"You would do well to run. I will pillage your lands and dwellings. I will burn your crops and make merry sport with your more attractive daughters."

"Uh, excuse me buddy but there's a slight problem with that theory. You're not going to have time for all that because Hallie is going to send you back to where you came from,"" Xander told him.

"Mark my words," Olaf began before sniffing the air. "Ooooh, ale, I smell delicious ale." He turned and headed out the door. Xander sighed in relief, happy that all his things were still intact including his body.

"Okay, Hallie it's time to send Olaf back on his merry way."

"Sorry, I can't do that." Hallie looked at her fingernails in boredom.

"What do you mean you can't do that? You brought him here didn't you?"

"It was Anya's wish. I granted it. I can't undo a wish. If I do, then D'Hoffryn will kill me."

Xander stared at the demon in disbelief before turning to Anya. "Then you send him back."

"Sorry, Xander. I can't do it either. I only grant wishes for women remember? And even though you're gay, you still don't count because you have a penis. You do still have a penis don't you?"

"What? Of course, I do. And before you ask, no you can't see it. So neither one of you can send him back?" Both girls shook their heads. "Great, that's just fucking great." Xander listened to the sound of breaking glass as Olaf made his way through David's house. Mama Lucille was going to have a fit about the cleaning up of this place when Olaf got done Xander thought, an idea forming in his head.

"Anya, if a woman got pissed off and wished Olaf were gone you could send him back right?"

"Only if he had wronged her in some way."

"Problem solved. He messed up the house and that's a definite no-no as far as Mama Lucille is concerned. David, go tell her to make the wish."

"I can't do that," David shrugged apologetically. "She went to the market an hour ago. I don't know when she'll be back."

"Shit. We can't let this thing out of the house cause he might kill somebody and it would be our fault. Hallie, Anya, you have that demon strength. Can you at least knock him out so we can tie him up until mama Lucille gets back?"

"Sorry, can't do that either. See, I made the wish, by accident of course, but still since I made the wish I have to watch it play out with no intervention of any kind. And Hallie granted the wish so the same thing goes for her." Anya explained.

"Again with the sorrys and stupid rules. Alright, big troll-how do I kill him?"

"Xander he's really strong, especially with his magic hammer. I think it's going to take more than you to bring him down." They heard another loud crash and all four of them ran into the living room where the liquor cabinet was. Olaf was drinking everything in sight.

"And I thought my dad could put the stuff away. This guy could drink him under the table any day of the week." Xander watched Olaf open another bottle and guzzle it down. They heard the door open and Xander's face lit up when he saw Willow, Tara and Dawn enter the room.

"What the heck is that?" Dawn pointed at the troll as Willow and Tara pushed her to the back.

"Long story, little time. Anya's a demon again, made a stupid wish about me seeing her ex- boyfriend----"

"You dated a troll?" Willow asked.

"Stay on topic here, Will."

"Sorry."

"Hallie made it happen, they can't send him back because she made the wish and she granted it," Xander pointed at Anya and Hallie. "Some kind of demon rule. Can you do a spell that will get rid of him?"

"Give us a few minutes to find our books....maybe a reversal spell will work." Willow asked Tara who nodded. "I told you those books would come in handy." Willow told her girlfriend, the two of them heading into the other room to retrieve their books from their luggage.

"Barmaid, bring me stronger ale and some plump, succulent babies to eat." Olaf pointed at Hallie.

"Are you talking to me? I'm not a barmaid-----"

"And you two," Olaf interrupted her, pointing his hammer toward Xander and David, "do you know where there are babies?"

"Uh, I don't have any lying around anywhere but I would guess the hospital." David began before Xander nudged him. "But you wouldn't want to go there what with the germs and everything. You might get sick."

"I find myself very hungry and when I get hungry I grow short of patience." Olaf growled.

"Well, we can take care of the hungry," Xander assured him. "So hows about you just sit down in one of the sturdier chairs and we could have a calm talk and something to eat." Xander pointed at a chair in the living room.

"Can it be babies?"

"Well, not so much but maybe some roast pigs and stags and much hearty grog," Xander tried to sound cheery.

"You cannot appease me. Do not try." Olaf turned back towards the liquor cabinet. "More ale." He started guzzling the liquor again.

"Xander, you might want to do something before he gets cranky like trolls often do." Anya suggested.

"That's a good mood?" Xander watched Olaf finish off another bottle of liquor. Olaf took a closer look at Anya, his face flickering in sudden recognition.

"You! I know who you are. You're Anyanka. Do you know how long I've waited to see you again, to make you pay for what you did to me? You put an end to all my fun."

"You cheated on me!" Anya yelled at him. Olaf roared and smashed the kitchen table.

"I did not cheat! Not in my heart. It was only one wench. I had had a great deal of mead and the next thing I know I'm a troll. You did this Anyanka, you will die for this."

"But....but you seem to enjoy the being a troll." Xander said.

"I adjusted," Olaf turned his attention back to Hallie and Anya just as Tara and Willow re-entered the room.

"I think we found a spell that will work." Willow told him. "I'll just do it and -----" Olaf glared at her.

"Witches...filthy, dirty, disgusting witches. They trapped me in a crystal and I was trapped there for centuries. A curse on all witches. All must die."

"Willow, do the spell." Tara urged her girlfriend on, not liking the look on Olaf's face.

"Let the conjuring be undone, return the beast to native form, And keep him from us and ours as long as my voice shall sound." Everyone waited but nothing happened.

"Hahaha. It did not work." Olaf chortled.

"Okay, wait..." Willow started flipping through the pages as Olaf approached her. Xander jumped in between them and landed a left and right punch, ducking the troll as he swung.

"Will, please hurry." He turned in time to get a punch in the face which knocked him backwards into David. Both of them fell to the floor with a thud.

"I could be out pillaging, devouring babies, making merry with the local virgins but instead you brought me here. Now I'll have to kil you both."

Xander got up, stepping in front of the two women. "I hate to break it to you but I don't think there are any virgins left in the whole city of Los Angeles. Now why don't we calm down, get something to eat and discuss this situation with logic instead of violence?"

I don't know what this logic thing is but I settle things with this." Olaf held up his hammer.

"Always with the violence. Can't anybody ever sit down and talk stuff over anymore?"

"Get out of my way, boy or I'll go through you," Olaf warned.

"You are not touching these women." Xander ran towards the troll, fierce determination in his eyes. Xander hated men who hit women, even if they were demons. It reminded him of his father.

Olaf put his hammer in front of him and Xander ran into it, knocking him on his ass. Olaf picked him up off the floor and Xander hit him with a hard left to the jaw. Olaf swung his hammer, hitting Xander and knocking him against the far wall. Xander got up off the floor, looking pissed.

"Is that all you got? I've been hit harder by my mother."

"You wish for more? Admirable."

Xander charged at Olaf, hitting him with another left. He swung his right arm but Olaf caught it and stopped him, hitting him in the shoulder with the hammer and knocking him back down onto the ground. The troll grabbed Xander by the back of the shirt and the hair on his head and pushed him across the hardwood floor. Xander slid into the wall head first. He groaned as he rolled over and sat up, holding his head and glaring at the laughing troll.. He slowly stood up and faced Olaf once again.

"This fighting bad guys is so much harder than it looks on Batman."

"I don't know this Batman you speak of but you fight well, although you are a tiny man." Olaf grabbed Xander by the collar and his right arm, pulling him close. He put his arm around Xander in a comradely fashion and Xander was beginning to hope that the troll had had his fun and was ready to become friends. That hope was crushed within seconds.

"I shall reward you. Only one of your women shall die and you shall be the one to choose."

"Did he just say-----" Dawn asked.

"Choose. Anyanka or one of the witches. One of your women must die."

"No, you are one crazy troll. I'm not choosing between an ex- girlfriend, my best friend and another good friend. That's insane troll logic."

"Go, Xander. I love you." Willow cheered him on as Tara continued looking through the spell book.

"Good for you. You are a brave and loyal man." He picked up Xander's arm, ready to snap the boy's wrist when he was caught off guard by David's punch to his jaw. David turned towards Xander and grinned, not noticing that the troll hadn't even budged from his spot.

"You be Batman and I'll be Robin."

"David---" Xander tried to warn his friend but Olaf had already snatched David by his collar and was holding him off the ground as he laughed. "Never mind."

"Look it is a tinier human than the other one." He threw David across the room.

"I wouldn't be laughing just yet, Chuckles." Xander took the opportunity to kick the hammer away from the troll before landing three good blows to his face. As the troll lifted Xander off the ground, Dawn ran forward and jumped on his back, pummeling him with her fists.

"Let go of Xander, you big bully." Olaf shrugged her off, throwing Xander next to David. He turned to face Dawn who kicked him soundly in the groin. Olaf let out a bellow of pain, clutching his balls as his eyes began to water.

"See...if all else fails, go to the old standards." Willow turned to Anya.

"Distract him from Xander and Dawn. Piss him off."

"I don't know how."

"Anya, I have faith in you. There is no one you cannot piss off." Anya ran over and stood in front of the troll.

"Hey, Olaf, you're as inadquate a troll as you were a boyfriend. You're hairy and unattractive and even the women trolls are put off by your various odors." Olaf let out a roar, knocking Anya across the room. She stood up and added. "And your roar is less than full throated.

"Desist," Olaf advanced towards Anya. "My God, woman. It's been a thousand years and yet you are as aggravating and emasculating as ever you were." He swung at Anya and she ducked before his other arm caught her in the jaw and sent her flying through the air. David rushed over to help her up while the troll glared at them.

"You shall all die. I will dispense no mercy now." He charged at the two of them, forgetting about Xander who ran up and grabbed Olaf's arm, twisting it behind his back. The troll threw Xander over his shoulder and he landed on the floor with a thud.

"Xander!" Willow and Dawn chorused, worried about their friend.

"What are you fighting for miniscule one? Olaf asked him. "You know you will never defeat me for you are far too breakable and I am much stronger."

"I'm fighting because I hate bullies and men who hit women." Xander stood up and glared at the man. "Also, you're butt ugly and I'm a glutton for punishment."

"Gluttony. Now there is something to be proud of." Olaf rubbed his stomach. "I am still very hungry and this fighting has made it worse."

"Okay, how about we take that break I mentioned earlier and you can get something to eat. I mean trolls can't live on violence alone right? When you're done we'll go back to the fighting and hopefully I'll kick your ass," Xander proposed. The troll stopped to consider this and David was making his way to the refrigerator when they heard Willow and Tara chanting something in Latin. Finally, Willow came over and said, "Let the transposition be complete." Olaf disappeared into thin air and everyone sighed in relief.

"Where did you send him?" Dawn asked.

"Probably the land of the trolls. He'll like it there. Full of trolls." Anya told her.

"It's hard to be precise though. Alternate universes don't stay put. Trying to send him to a specific place is like...like...like trying to hit a puppy by throwing a live bee at it." Everyone stared at Willow. "Which is a weird image and you should all just forget it."

"It's possible that he's in the land of perpetual Wednesday," Anya said.

"Or the crazy melty land," Hallie offered her opinion. "That's one of my favorites."

"Or the world without shrimp." Anya added.

"There's a world without shrimp?" Tara asked with interest. "I'm allergic."

"He's probably in troll land."

"Well, I only care that he's not here, not beating up on me or killing anyone and I got this nifty souvenir." Xander tried to lift it, but it was too heavy. "Uh, someone can help me pack it out to the car later, okay?"

"Who destroyed my nice, clean house? What kind of heathen would do such a thing? David, where are you?" Mama Lucille was thoroughly pissed off.

"Do you think there's a nice alternate dimension you could send me to for a few hours?" David asked hopefully as the others laughed. ***************************************************************

Angel and Spike had been sitting out in front of the warehouse on the corner of Third and Preston for almost an hour and Spike was getting antsy.

"Let's go in and pull the asshole out of there."

"We'll give it another few minutes and if he hasn't shown by then, we'll go in."

"Bloody buggerin' hell, I hate this part of the ----"

"There he is," Angel cut Spike off, pointing at the man who was walking to his car.

"Let's go have a chat, shall we?"

They got out of the car and approached the man who didn't notice them until Angel was standing directly in behind him.

"What do you guys want?" Lenny asked.

"That's a good question. What do I want? Huh, love, family, a place on this planet I can call my own. I've already got all those things so I'm good, but unless these next few minutes go exactly the way I want them to, you aren't going to have any of them. Where are the pictures of David Nabbit?"

"Never heard of him."

"Oh-hoh, you only get one lie, I probably should have mentioned that first." Angel's voice was filled with sarcasm and there was a small smirk on his face. Spike leaned against the car, admiring the view. He loved when Angel let his playful side out because it was just so damn cute. *And did he just think the word cute?*

"Look, pal you're obviously not from around here," Lenny patted him on the shoulder. Angel eyed the man with disgust.

"I don't think you want to be touching him, mate. He gets a bit testy when people do that and seeing as how he's already wound up from having to wait out here for you to show your sorry arse all night, pushing it wouldn't be a good idea." Spike warned him.

"Look, guys trust me you don't want to see my bad side."

"You show us yours," Angel looked at Spike and they both vamped out," and we'll show you ours."

Angel threw Lenny up against the car, leaning in to stare at him. "We're moving in and taking over do you understand me? We will dog you every night for the rest of your very short life until you bring us what we want. Are we clear?' Lenny nodded, fear rolling off of him so badly that Spike thought the man was going to wet his pants. "Yeah, see you in an hour."

"But that doesn't give me much time----"

Lenny turned around but the two vampires were gone. He got in his car and sped away, hoping he would make it back in time with the pictures while in the distance two men watched the encounter, unseen by either Lenny or the two vampires.

"Vampires are moving in huh?"

"Yeah, well they ain't going to be staying too long." Gunn shone the flashlight on his watch. "Come on. We have just enough time to meet up with the crew and get in some fun before we come back here and kill those two vamps." *************************************************************

"What did I do today?" David was answering Anya's question while Hallie looked bored. "Spun off my digital pager network, made a few more million - alright, several. Big whoop what does that mean? My life is so boring but yours is so exciting."

"Yeah, getting beaten down by a big, ugly troll sure is fun." Xander said, flinching when Willow dabbed at the cut on his forehead.

"I thought you were very brave." Willow gave him a big smile.

"I think so too." Tara agreed, putting the band-aid over the cut.

"Not what I would call an entertaining evening...well, okay maybe it was but not the fun kind." Xander said.

"Okay, see this is why demons are better than people. We enjoy our work and make money in the process." Anya told them.

"You get paid for killing and maiming men - and other people?" Xander added, seeing Hallie give him a look at the word men.

"Oh, I cause pain and mayhem certainly, but I put in a full days work doing it so I get compensated appropriately."

"Like Lex Luthor. He's a super villain, but he's a billionaire like myself." David helped out and Anya's eyes widened at the word "billionaire".

"But you're so much better than Lex Luthor." Anya flirted. "While your work is honest, super villaiins like Lex want reward wihout labor to make things come easy. It's wrong. Without labor there cannot be payment and vice versa. The country cannot progress. The workers are the tools that shape America."

"Welcome to today's episode of go, money, go." Hallie told Xander, sitting down beside him. "I hear it every day. Anya loves money more than she hates bunnies." Dawn and mama Lucille entered the room, heading straight for Xander.

"How are you precious? You doing okay?" Mama Lucille asked Xander, smoothing his hair back from his face so she could get a good look at the bruises and cuts. "I can't believe there was a big troll in the house. I wish----" Xander put a hand over the woman's mouth.

"Please, Mama Lucille, no more wishing.....EVER." Xander and the others had filled the woman in on what had happened so she knew exactly what he was talking about.

"Here's your phone, Xander." Dawn handed his cell back to him and he put it in his pocket. "I called the office and told them what happened. I told them how you put a smack down on that Olaf guy and how Willow and Tara whooshed him away." Xander couldn't help but smile at the pride in the girl's voice.

"I think they'll know you were exaggerating as soon as they see me."

"Yes, I bet Spike and Angel were fit to be tied. It's a wonder they're not knocking on the door at this very moment." Everyone turned to face the door as if Mama Lucille's words would conjure up the two vampires.

"They weren't there. Cordelia said they were still out on their case. I told them you'd be home in an hour or so." Dawn told Xander, sitting down on the floor in front of him.

"Huh-uh young lady. Get up and help us take our luggage to our rooms." Willow pointed towards the stairs and Dawn grumbled, rising and giving Xander a kiss before heading towards the foyer. "Are you sure you're okay, Xan?"

"Right as rain, whatever that means."

"Then we'll see you tomorrow?" Xander nodded and the two girls gave him a kiss on the cheek before following Mama Lucille out to where Dawn was waiting. After they had gone upstairs, Hallie turned to Xander.

"So Anya said you were in a relationship with two vampires."

"Yeah, weird huh?"

"Well, it's unusual for vampires to want humans for anything other than food or maybe a little sex now and then. You definitely never hear of one, much less two vampires wanting a lasting relationship with a human."

"What's wrong with humans and why do you keep staring at me?

"It's just...vampires are eternal, unless they get staked or burned, well you know what I mean. Humans grow old and wrinkly and then they die. Doesn't make a very good relationship....not for the vampire anyway. But don't worry. The way David talks about you three, this Angel and Spike are very fond of you. I'm sure they'll keep you as a pet for quite a few years."

"I'm not a pet. And we're planning on spending the rest of our lives together, however long that may be. What's with all the staring at my neck."

"I don't understand. They haven't turned you so you're not a minion or a childe. Now you say you're not a pet but they haven't claimed you, so I'm trying to figure out what you are to them."

"I'm a boyfriend, a lover and a companion."

"If you say so," Hallie flicked a piece of lint from her dress.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing, nothing at all. I'm sure they're having fun with you, for the time being. I'm not trying to make you mad or hurt your feelings but, honey if they loved you as much as you think they do, why haven't they claimed you?"

"What's with all this claiming stuff?"

"Don't you know about claiming?" Xander shook his head. "When a vampire feels strongly enough about a human to want a relationship with him or her, there's a ritual that's performed during sex. The vampire bites the human and drinks their blood and then the human does the same thing. It binds them together forever, leaving a scar on the human's neck. That's why I was looking."

"Angel and Spike never mentioned anything to me about this," Xander said, almost to himself. After a few minutes, he stood up, said his good-byes and made his way to the door. He needed to have a talk with his vampires.


Chapter Thirty-Five

Back to Index