Jerry Springer Show Xena Funny Script

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
JERRY: Tonight on the Jerry Springer show we have a particularly interesting episode! Gabrielle is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend of hers Xena. So everyone please put your hands together for Gabrielle! Okay, now Gabrielle you're here to talk about someone aren't you?
You: Yes.
Jerry: And what is this other persons name?
You: Ares.
The crowd SQUEALS with delight.
Jerry: Okay, okay, well Ares, is actually here tonight -
The crowd SQUEALS.
Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you Gabrielle, because as it happens there is someone else here to see YOU! So let's bring out... Ephiny!
You: What the HELL!!!
Out of nowhere you pull out a Sai. Ephiny reaches for the Chair. Out of the shadows Joxer appears.
Joxer: Wait everybody wait!
Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First tell us why you're here Ephiny.
Ephiny: Because I saw Gabrielle and Joxer making out at Aprodite's Temple!
The crowd goes absolutely INSANE.
Joxer: That's a lie! I was home watching Friends!
Jerry: (raising his hands) Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here...what exactly IS the problem Ephiny?
Ephiny: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with Xena who has recently become engaged to Joxer.
The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement.
Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring Xena out here because Gabrielle had something that they needed to tell them anyway about... Ares that's right!
Xena: (enters onto stage and saunters over towards you) What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with Ares! You know I'm how I feel about Ares!
Joxer: (screams) What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with Ares!
Xena: Because I knew that I could never have Ares. But Gabrielle promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings!
Joxer: What about respect for MY feelings!
Ephiny walks suddenly across the stage, embracing Xena.
Ephiny: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me.
Again the crowd SQUEALS.
Joxer: Oh my God! Are you SICK!
Joxer runs across the room and wraps their arms around you tightly.
Joxer: Gabrielle take me away from all of this!
You: You see? That's the thing...I'm...well, I'm married...
The crowd does its bit.
Joxer: Married?
You nod.
Joxer: Who the hell are you married to? When...when did this happen? I don't understand!
You: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to Ares.
Xena: (screaming) WHAT!!!
Jerry: (grinning widely, makes an enquiry) So...did you have a nice wedding night?
Ares: (stepping back out onto center stage) Well we had sex 57 times if that's what you mean.
The crowd squeals.
Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight... Gabrielle is married to Ares who Xena has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now Xena has recently become engaged to Joxer who was recently spotted kissing Gabrielle in the Aprodite's Temple. Now on top of this Ephiny has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with Xena.
Ares: That's right Jerry.
Jerry: (looking sternly into the camera) It is times like these that one has to wonder, whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks it's been great but for now...it's goodnight.
Queue cheesy background music and fade to black.
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