Indiana Shana Gets Ripped Off

Disclaimer:

Shana wanted to meet her favorite male character on Xena: Warrior Princess,so she set her time machine dials to a typical campfire scene with Xena and Gabrielle,again in Season 4.. She knew that Autolycus would be nearby from her instrument readings,so she was determined to meet him...maybe get involved in one of his capers.

She materialized a ways from Xena and Gabby's campsite. It was just at dusk,and she could see the fire's glow easily.She stepped from the machine,locked it,and walked carefully towards the campsite.

As she approached,she heard a slap,then Gabby's voice yelling,"DON'T!"...."STOP!"....Don't-stop-don't-stop!" Xena was spanking her for not being respectful to The Warrior Princess.

Shana: Ahem!.Uh...Xena?

Xena:(rising,with Gabby falling to the ground)..Who the heck? Oh,it's you,Indiana Shana...I remember you said you'd be back...good thing you didn't arrive before Season 3,or you'd be dead. Where is your machine?

S: A little way from here. I hope I didn't interrupt anything.

X:Naw...Gabby was a naughty bard.Sometimes being an Amazon Queen and all,she gets a bit uppity. I didn't really hurt her,but I just wanted to show her who is in charge around here.

Gabby:(smiling)...Shana...from Indiana,right? How have you been?

S:Busy.Work is really swamping me. I really have to push to get my web site going.

X:Well,sit down.Have some tea.

G:Hey,how about one of those dumpling things I made with the red stuff in the middle?

S:Hmmmm...Okay.

X:Hey!Those are MINE!

G:Aww,come on,Xena...just one?

X:Oh,all right.

G:(leaning to offer Shana one of them) whispers...You'd better like this---Xena's really cranky if people complain about my cooking.

S:Right!(takes a bite)---Great!(Actually,it WAS pretty good)...like a raspberry turnover.

X:So,why are you here this time?Do you want to ask me who I killed lately?It's quite a list. First,there was...

S:No,I came to see Autolycus.

X:Don't ever interrupt me again(she rises,her fingers poised in the pinch position).

S:(remembering she almost died the last time she met Xena)...Sorry!I didn't mean it.I really like the guy a lot.He's funny,cute,and pretty dashing.

X:He's a swaggering know-it-all,but he did bring me back to life when I invaded his body.

S:That was nice of him to help.

G:Hey,me too...Xena invaded MY body to fight Velasca.

X:Oh,will you get off it? I've heard this too many times.

S:Do you think I can see Auto? After all,he's the King of Thieves.

X:Sure...I'll send for him.He's in the village gambling.Gabby...go get him.

G:But Xena,I ...

X:Move!

G:Okay.

X:So,here we are again in Season 4.Want to guess how many more there will be?

S:Ahh,no...I hope it never ends.

X:Rob has has other ideas for Seasons 5 and 6.Lotsa skin,too,heh-heh.

The women drink their tea and Shana finishes her pastry. She looks at the others in the plate.

X:Don't get any ideas---that's all you're going to get.

S:I understand.

G:Xena! Here's Autolycus!

Auto:Hi,Xena...why did you call me away from my card game? I had 'em almost wiped out. Say,who's your long-haired friend?

X:(to Shana)...go ahead.

S:I'm Indiana Shana,and I'm here to interview you,the King of Thieves.

A:An interview? Sure,I can talk all night if you want.

X:No kidding.

G:Now Xena,let them talk.

X:(no longer the center of attention)glares....Okay.

S:So,Autolycus...

A:Call me Auto.

S:Auto,how....

X:Wait a minute!What's that?

She runs where Shana left her machine.It is gone. The others run and catch up,looking around.

S:My machine...I'll never get back now. Where can it be?

X:Well,look...wagon tracks. Somebody picked it up and took off with it.

G:But who?

X:We're in the Red Valley,so it's got to be the Red Valley Gang...you know,Tara's old buddies.

S:I remember them in Forgiven. Tara turned good at the end.

X:She was good and sore after I gave her a good spanking.

G:Yeah,she said she'd take up dancing so she wouldn't have to ever sit down again.

A:What now? It's almost dark.

X:We make a plan to get it back.We can all do it together against these idiots.Gabby,Tara,and I stomped them good when we rescued the Urn of Apollo.

A:We can follow the tracks and steal it back.

X;Gabby...go back to camp and wash the dishes.

G:What? Now?

X:Move!We have to talk.

G:Rats!(she stomps off).

X:Okay,Auto,what do you suggest?

A:Easy.I have you three girls dress up in harem outfits,really revealing stuff,and I pose as your manager.We get to the camp,distract them with you girls dancing,and steal the machine.

S:It's pretty big. You can't lift it yourself.Besides,all I have to do is get inside it,and I can make it disappear.I have to get back to my time,because my time progresses as usual,and I have to be at work tomorrow.In your time,I can travel back and forth at will.

A:Huh?

X:Yeah...what?

S:Please trust me on this.

G:(running)...Dishes all done,Xena.What do we do?

X:You go back and brush Argo...she's in need of a good grooming.

G:But...

X:Move it!

G:by the gods!You treat me like a slave. I wait on you hand and foot.

X:I said that's why I had you around before.RememberWARRIOR:PRINCESS?

G:(makes a face and goes)

X:We have time to do this right.We need disguises---harem outfits,you say?

A:Sure,but we'll have to find some quickly.

X:I have three sets in my saddlebags.

A:You do?Let's see.

They return to the campsite where Gabby walks over to the group.

X:Did you brush Argo?

G:Well,sorta.

X:If not,you're getting a good spanking,you hear?

G:Uh,okay.

X:Get my saddlebags.

Gabby hands her the small saddlebags and Xena removes three sets of harem outfits,each fitting herself,Gabby,and Shana perfectly.She also gives Auto a harem manager's outfit.

A:How did you fit all this stuff into that small bag?

X:I have many skills.

S:(to Auto)...I wouldn't ask too many questions.

A:Hey...what's in this caper for me? Another good deed? No money?

X:Think of it like Vanishing Act.In this case,instead of Pax vanishing,Shana REALLY vanishes in her machine.

A:This I have to see.(to Shana)...you can't pay,huh?Well,I'll take a kiss after,and THESE!

He grabs Shana's earrings and pulls.

S:Ow!Those are pierced ears!Let me remove the earrings myself.Here!

A:(by the firelight)Hey...these are mouse heads.

S:It's Mickey,a famous mouse where I am from.I got them at Disney World.

A;Where?Never mind.They will do,AND the kiss.I like girls with long hair(to Gabby)...Don't ever cut yours.

G:Oh,never.

A:Time to move.

They all go behind different shrubs to change. Xena comes out first in a revealing harem outfit,with loose pants and a skimpy top.Next,Gabby,with even more revealing cleavage,and then Shana,who is trying to tie the top from behind.

A:Here,let me help you,my dear.(he deftly ties it in back)and snickers at Shana's embarrassment.

X:You look like an idiot in that turban,Auto.

A:Hey,this is YOUR stuff.

X:Oh,all right...let's go.

They follow the wagon tracks for about two miles before coming to a clearing where the Red Valley Gang is camped.The time machine is on the ground,but is not open.Good thing Shana locked it.

A;I can pick the lock and you'll be inside.

S:It's a combination lock...no key.

A;Aww,come on...it has to have a key.

S:No,really.

A:Then what am I supposed to do?

X:Just keep them busy with your gift of gab and we'll do the rest.Remember in ULYSSES where Gabby kept the crew occupied while Ulysses and I stole the ship?

A:Not really.

X:Well,anyway,just do it.

A;(to the gang)...Good evening,gentlemen! Have I got a surprise for you.Dancing girls,and you can see them for a small price...just a few coins.

The gang draws their swords and hold them to Auto's throat.

Gang Leader:Who are you,anyway?How'd you find us?

A:I'm Hauer Junior,and these are my slaves,er...dancing girls.Nice,huh?

The gang,mostly drunk,crowds around,leering at the scantily-clad girls,making rude comments.

A:(taking a lyre that Xena had in the other saddlebag)..Let the fun begin.Just put your coins in the hat,if you please.

He starts playing,and Xena and Gabby,who are no strangers to dancing,start their gyrations.Shana moves a bit,trying to imitate them,and edges ever closer to her machine.

A:Nice moves,huh guys?Just check out those outfits.

The drunks agree and laugh and leer.As Gabby distracts one,Xena puts the pinch on him.He falls down,with his pals thinking he passed out from the booze.As quickly as Xena nailed all the Amazons with the pinch in Sin Trade 2,all the gang is on the ground gasping.

G:Well,Xena,that didn't take long.

X:Piece of cake.

S:Are you going to revive them?

X:Naw.

G:Oh,come on,Xena...they just stole something,and we got it back without spilling any blood.You didn't kill them before ,when they stole the urn,and they left me and Tara to die.

X:Oh,all RIGHT!Give me a minute after Shana goes.You tell me what to do again,and I swear,I'll use my belt on you.

G:(sways a bit with weak knees in anticipation)...uh,okay.

S:Well,I have to leave.

A:So,pay up,baby.(He grabs Shana by the shoulders and gives her a kiss that lasts ten seconds.He then holds her at arm's length and says):Okay...paid in full.Drop by anytime---after all,it's not every day you get a kiss from the King of Thieves.

S:(swaying a little and turning a bit red)..Thanks for your help...ALL of you.

X:No problem.

G:You're welcome.

A:You'll miss me.

S:I didn't get a chance to ask you any questions.

A:Time for one.

S:Is that mustache for real?

A:Naw...it's a stick-on.Tapert said it would make me look dashing.

S:It does.

Shana enters the time machine as Xena and Gabby scatter the gang's horses,leaving three for themselves and Auto.Shana sees Xena releasing the pinch,and her new freinds riding back to their campsite.She presses the return button and materializes in her living room.

She steps out of the machine and realizes she is still in her harem outift.

S:Oh,no...I left my stuff in the past.

As she starts to change into her other clothes,she notices that something has fallen from her clothing.Two tiny earrings roll on the floor.She bends over to pick them up...yes,they are the Mickey Mouse ones that Auto took.He had slipped them into her clothes as he kissed her.

S:I guess the King of Thieves has a heart of gold.I'd like to tell him that.Wait!I can! I have all the time in the world.There WILL be another time.

The end

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