Indiana Shana Gets Ripped Off
Disclaimer:
Shana wanted to meet her favorite male character on Xena: Warrior
Princess,so she set her time machine dials to a typical campfire scene with
Xena and Gabrielle,again in Season 4.. She knew that Autolycus would be
nearby from her instrument readings,so she was determined to meet
him...maybe get involved in one of his capers.
She materialized a ways from Xena and Gabby's campsite. It was just at
dusk,and she could see the fire's glow easily.She stepped from the
machine,locked it,and walked carefully towards the campsite.
As she approached,she heard a slap,then Gabby's voice
yelling,"DON'T!"...."STOP!"....Don't-stop-don't-stop!"
Xena was spanking her for not being respectful to The Warrior Princess.
Shana: Ahem!.Uh...Xena?
Xena:(rising,with Gabby falling to the ground)..Who the heck? Oh,it's
you,Indiana Shana...I remember you said you'd be back...good thing you
didn't arrive before Season 3,or you'd be dead. Where is your machine?
S: A little way from here. I hope I didn't interrupt anything.
X:Naw...Gabby was a naughty bard.Sometimes being an Amazon Queen and all,she
gets a bit uppity. I didn't really hurt her,but I just wanted to show her
who is in charge around here.
Gabby:(smiling)...Shana...from Indiana,right? How have you been?
S:Busy.Work is really swamping me. I really have to push to get my web site
going.
X:Well,sit down.Have some tea.
G:Hey,how about one of those dumpling things I made with the red stuff in
the middle?
S:Hmmmm...Okay.
X:Hey!Those are MINE!
G:Aww,come on,Xena...just one?
X:Oh,all right.
G:(leaning to offer Shana one of them) whispers...You'd better like
this---Xena's really cranky if people complain about my cooking.
S:Right!(takes a bite)---Great!(Actually,it WAS pretty good)...like a
raspberry turnover.
X:So,why are you here this time?Do you want to ask me who I killed
lately?It's quite a list. First,there was...
S:No,I came to see Autolycus.
X:Don't ever interrupt me again(she rises,her fingers poised in the pinch
position).
S:(remembering she almost died the last time she met Xena)...Sorry!I didn't
mean it.I really like the guy a lot.He's funny,cute,and pretty dashing.
X:He's a swaggering know-it-all,but he did bring me back to life when I
invaded his body.
S:That was nice of him to help.
G:Hey,me too...Xena invaded MY body to fight Velasca.
X:Oh,will you get off it? I've heard this too many times.
S:Do you think I can see Auto? After all,he's the King of Thieves.
X:Sure...I'll send for him.He's in the village gambling.Gabby...go get him.
G:But Xena,I ...
X:Move!
G:Okay.
X:So,here we are again in Season 4.Want to guess how many more there will
be?
S:Ahh,no...I hope it never ends.
X:Rob has has other ideas for Seasons 5 and 6.Lotsa skin,too,heh-heh.
The women drink their tea and Shana finishes her pastry. She looks at the
others in the plate.
X:Don't get any ideas---that's all you're going to get.
S:I understand.
G:Xena! Here's Autolycus!
Auto:Hi,Xena...why did you call me away from my card game? I had 'em almost
wiped out.
Say,who's your long-haired friend?
X:(to Shana)...go ahead.
S:I'm Indiana Shana,and I'm here to interview you,the King of Thieves.
A:An interview? Sure,I can talk all night if you want.
X:No kidding.
G:Now Xena,let them talk.
X:(no longer the center of attention)glares....Okay.
S:So,Autolycus...
A:Call me Auto.
S:Auto,how....
X:Wait a minute!What's that?
She runs where Shana left her machine.It is gone. The others run and catch
up,looking around.
S:My machine...I'll never get back now. Where can it be?
X:Well,look...wagon tracks. Somebody picked it up and took off with it.
G:But who?
X:We're in the Red Valley,so it's got to be the Red Valley Gang...you
know,Tara's old buddies.
S:I remember them in Forgiven. Tara turned good at the end.
X:She was good and sore after I gave her a good spanking.
G:Yeah,she said she'd take up dancing so she wouldn't have to ever sit down
again.
A:What now? It's almost dark.
X:We make a plan to get it back.We can all do it together against these
idiots.Gabby,Tara,and I stomped them good when we rescued the Urn of Apollo.
A:We can follow the tracks and steal it back.
X;Gabby...go back to camp and wash the dishes.
G:What? Now?
X:Move!We have to talk.
G:Rats!(she stomps off).
X:Okay,Auto,what do you suggest?
A:Easy.I have you three girls dress up in harem outfits,really revealing
stuff,and I pose as your manager.We get to the camp,distract them with you
girls dancing,and steal the machine.
S:It's pretty big. You can't lift it yourself.Besides,all I have to do is
get inside it,and I can make it disappear.I have to get back to my
time,because my time progresses as usual,and I have to be at work
tomorrow.In your time,I can travel back and forth at will.
A:Huh?
X:Yeah...what?
S:Please trust me on this.
G:(running)...Dishes all done,Xena.What do we do?
X:You go back and brush Argo...she's in need of a good grooming.
G:But...
X:Move it!
G:by the gods!You treat me like a slave. I wait on you hand and foot.
X:I said that's why I had you around before.RememberWARRIOR:PRINCESS?
G:(makes a face and goes)
X:We have time to do this right.We need disguises---harem outfits,you say?
A:Sure,but we'll have to find some quickly.
X:I have three sets in my saddlebags.
A:You do?Let's see.
They return to the campsite where Gabby walks over to the group.
X:Did you brush Argo?
G:Well,sorta.
X:If not,you're getting a good spanking,you hear?
G:Uh,okay.
X:Get my saddlebags.
Gabby hands her the small saddlebags and Xena removes three sets of harem
outfits,each fitting herself,Gabby,and Shana perfectly.She also gives Auto a
harem manager's outfit.
A:How did you fit all this stuff into that small bag?
X:I have many skills.
S:(to Auto)...I wouldn't ask too many questions.
A:Hey...what's in this caper for me? Another good deed? No money?
X:Think of it like Vanishing Act.In this case,instead of Pax vanishing,Shana
REALLY vanishes in her machine.
A:This I have to see.(to Shana)...you can't pay,huh?Well,I'll take a kiss
after,and THESE!
He grabs Shana's earrings and pulls.
S:Ow!Those are pierced ears!Let me remove the earrings myself.Here!
A:(by the firelight)Hey...these are mouse heads.
S:It's Mickey,a famous mouse where I am from.I got them at Disney World.
A;Where?Never mind.They will do,AND the kiss.I like girls with long hair(to
Gabby)...Don't ever cut yours.
G:Oh,never.
A:Time to move.
They all go behind different shrubs to change. Xena comes out first in a
revealing harem outfit,with loose pants and a skimpy top.Next,Gabby,with
even more revealing cleavage,and then Shana,who is trying to tie the top
from behind.
A:Here,let me help you,my dear.(he deftly ties it in back)and snickers at
Shana's embarrassment.
X:You look like an idiot in that turban,Auto.
A:Hey,this is YOUR stuff.
X:Oh,all right...let's go.
They follow the wagon tracks for about two miles before coming to a clearing
where the Red Valley Gang is camped.The time machine is on the ground,but is
not open.Good thing Shana locked it.
A;I can pick the lock and you'll be inside.
S:It's a combination lock...no key.
A;Aww,come on...it has to have a key.
S:No,really.
A:Then what am I supposed to do?
X:Just keep them busy with your gift of gab and we'll do the rest.Remember
in ULYSSES where Gabby kept the crew occupied while Ulysses and I stole the
ship?
A:Not really.
X:Well,anyway,just do it.
A;(to the gang)...Good evening,gentlemen! Have I got a surprise for
you.Dancing girls,and you can see them for a small price...just a few coins.
The gang draws their swords and hold them to Auto's throat.
Gang Leader:Who are you,anyway?How'd you find us?
A:I'm Hauer Junior,and these are my slaves,er...dancing girls.Nice,huh?
The gang,mostly drunk,crowds around,leering at the scantily-clad
girls,making rude comments.
A:(taking a lyre that Xena had in the other saddlebag)..Let the fun
begin.Just put your coins in the hat,if you please.
He starts playing,and Xena and Gabby,who are no strangers to dancing,start
their gyrations.Shana moves a bit,trying to imitate them,and edges ever
closer to her machine.
A:Nice moves,huh guys?Just check out those outfits.
The drunks agree and laugh and leer.As Gabby distracts one,Xena puts the
pinch on him.He falls down,with his pals thinking he passed out from the
booze.As quickly as Xena nailed all the Amazons with the pinch in Sin Trade
2,all the gang is on the ground gasping.
G:Well,Xena,that didn't take long.
X:Piece of cake.
S:Are you going to revive them?
X:Naw.
G:Oh,come on,Xena...they just stole something,and we got it back without
spilling any blood.You didn't kill them before ,when they stole the urn,and
they left me and Tara to die.
X:Oh,all RIGHT!Give me a minute after Shana goes.You tell me what to do
again,and I swear,I'll use my belt on you.
G:(sways a bit with weak knees in anticipation)...uh,okay.
S:Well,I have to leave.
A:So,pay up,baby.(He grabs Shana by the shoulders and gives her a kiss that
lasts ten seconds.He then holds her at arm's length and says):Okay...paid in
full.Drop by anytime---after all,it's not every day you get a kiss from the
King of Thieves.
S:(swaying a little and turning a bit red)..Thanks for your help...ALL of
you.
X:No problem.
G:You're welcome.
A:You'll miss me.
S:I didn't get a chance to ask you any questions.
A:Time for one.
S:Is that mustache for real?
A:Naw...it's a stick-on.Tapert said it would make me look dashing.
S:It does.
Shana enters the time machine as Xena and Gabby scatter the gang's
horses,leaving three for themselves and Auto.Shana sees Xena releasing the
pinch,and her new freinds riding back to their campsite.She presses the
return button and materializes in her living room.
She steps out of the machine and realizes she is still in her harem outift.
S:Oh,no...I left my stuff in the past.
As she starts to change into her other clothes,she notices that something
has fallen from her clothing.Two tiny earrings roll on the floor.She bends
over to pick them up...yes,they are the Mickey Mouse ones that Auto took.He
had slipped them into her clothes as he kissed her.
S:I guess the King of Thieves has a heart of gold.I'd like to tell him
that.Wait!I can! I have all the time in the world.There WILL be another
time.
The end
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