Indiana Shana Slings Hash With Meg

Disclaimer:

One of Shana's favorite characters on XENA was the ever-raunchy lookalike,Meg.Since Shana had one of her rare days off,she thought it would be fun to actually spend the whole day with Meg.She wanted to meet her after she stopped being the cook for Princess Diana's father,the king,but before she had her bordello in Warrior,Priestess,Tramp.

Since Meg was a good cook,she opened a diner,by today's standards,and was trying to make a go of it.Shana,upon scanning the time period,saw that Meg's helper/assistant cook,had the day off,and Meg needed help for one day only:enter Indiana Shana.The timing was perfect.

Shana set the time machine controls to the correct time and place,and wearing her Xena-time-period costume,she hit the controls.Her time machine shimmered in her living room,then disappeared.Seconds later,she rematerialized in a grove of trees near Meg's Diner. Shana emerged from the machine and locked it,piling some branches against it to keep it hidden.Then,with her travelling bag in hand,she walked to Meg's place. With her universal language translator,which was like a pendant around her neck,Shana read the sign posted outside the diner:Help Wanted...one day only.

Shana stepped inside the rustic eatery. It was typical of the times:rough wooden chairs,tables,and benches,a bar with stools,and a nearby grille/kitchen combination. Shana could see Meg talking to a few customers,since it was very early in the morning,and the breakfast crowd hadn't arrived in force yet.

Shana sat at the bar and waited for Meg to come over.

Meg:Hiya...what can I getcha?

Shana:I'm here about the job---the one-day deal.

M:I can pay you five dinars.Can you cook?

S:Yes.

M:Okay,ten dinars then.

S;Fine with me. Where do you want me to start? Is anything needed in a hurry?

M:Well,breakfast is big here,but the lunch crowd is bigger.I'll need you to kill a few chickens for the special,and make some biscuits. Other than that,we'll need bacon,ham,and eggs.

S:Kill the chickens?

M:Sure:It would be a little tough having them just stand around while somebody tried to chow down on them. Jeeze,I almost forgot---what's your name and where are you from?

S:I'm Indiana Shana,and I live way west of here. I'm just passing thru. Have you heard of Xena and Gabrielle?

M:Have I! Sure,I met them not long ago. I was kinda in a bit of trouble with some guys who wanted to take over the King's turf. But Xena straightened me out. I got to be the King's personal cook,until he died a couple months ago.Poor guy...I don't think it was my cooking.

S:Do you know Joxer?

M:Oh yeah. He says he can cook,too,but I tried some of his stew,and I had the trots for days.Never again.I mean,he was okay,but nobody I'd ever want to get involved with.Except,of course, a little hanky-panky now and then,heh-heh.

S:Uh,okay.I'd better get started.

Shana put her things away and went behind the counter.There were dirty dishes everywhere from the day before,and the garbage was beginning to smell.It was the original greasy spoon.

S:Hey Meg...this place is a mess!

M:You're tellin' me! You'd better get it cleaned up before you get more firewood and fill the water kegs.

S:Just like home,(Shana thought).

A middle-aged man sat down at the bar. He was looking around the room.

Customer: Where's the regular cook?

M:She has the day off.

C:She was kinda cute.

M:Aren't you married?

C:Uh,yeah,but you can't blame me for looking. Who's the new girl?

M:That's Indiana Shana: She's here for just today. What can I getcha?

C:Well,I feel like a fresh egg this morning.

M:You mean,you just been laid? Heh-heh!

C:(smirking)Good one. Bacon and eggs today.

M:Hey,Shana,bacon and eggs for the geezer,I mean "gentleman".

S:Okay.(Shana was trying to clean up and cook at the same time).

Another guy entered and sat down,eyeing Meg in a sidelong way.

M:Hello there,handsome.(She leaned over the counter,her low-cut blouse barely containing her boobs).See anything you like?

Young man:Well,uh...um...

Meg puffed out her chest,and her boobs popped out right in front of his face.

YM:(gawking)I guess I'll have a couple of fried eggs(smirking now).

M:Hey!These aren't fried eggs!More like melons.(smacking him alongside his head).

C:Ow! I was just kidding. You have a pair that will beat three of a kind. Have you ever thought of being a professional stripper?

M:Yeah,but not SERIOUSLY.

Meg tucked them back in place,turned and said: Hey,Shana...(pointing at her chest)...do my girls look okay?

S:Uh,yeah(Jeeze!).

M:Two fried eggs for the comedian.

S:Okay,I'm on it. Can I see you a minute?

M:Sure...what's up?

S:(not wanting to kill the chickens):How about we do a different special---some pizza?

M:What's that?

S:Like a flat pie,but with different stuff kinda mushed into some melted cheese.It's really big where I come from.

M:Can you teach me how to make it?

S:Sure:you can use your imagination to make all different kinds.

M;Okay...when there's a lull in the breakfast crowd,we fit it in before the lunch horde. I have some regulars who want the same thing every day,but I bet we can get some converts.

S: Good: I'll make some pizza dough in the meantime.

The breakfast crowd was mostly gone a couple of hours later,and Meg excused herself.

M:I have to go to the Little Diner Operator's Room.

S:Okay...I'm slicing veggies and getting the toppings ready.

Shana worked quickly,since she was still hauling trash and preparing the food.So much like her regular job,she thought. She looked at the counter for more customers,and was startled to see Xena sitting there.Oh,no,Shana thought...She won't know me until Season Four.Since Meg was away,Shana had to wait on the counter.

S:Can I help you?

Xena: Do you think I NEED help?I'm Xena...I don't need anybody's help.

S:No,I mean...yes..I mean...can I get you something to eat?

X:(makes to put the pinch on Shana) Don't get flip with me!

S:(dreading the near-death experience)..I...I...

Meg:Hey! It's ME,Meg!(bursts out laughing)...Fooled ya,didn't I?

S:Meg? Where did you get the Xena outfit?

M:I made it.Looks like the real thing. I even have a shamrock...see?(she holds up a replica Chakram).

S:Pretty good. Won't the customers be afraid to come in with you dressed like that?

M:Yeah,you're right.I'll be right back.

S:Man,that was close.

Meg reappeared for her pizza lesson.

M:Okay,how do we start?

S:First,take the dough and roll it flat.Then,we put on the cheese and stick on any kind of topping you want. You charge the customers more for more toppings. You can custom-make anything.

M:(eyeing the dog sleeping on the floor)Ever hear of "puttin' on the dog"?

S:You're not serious!

M:Just kidding.(Now rolling the dough)....sounds okay. But will they like it?

S:Here(handing Meg a mini-pizza she made).It was about four inches across and had cheese,Greek sausage,and some chopped green peppers.

M;(biting into it).Hey! This is good! More!

S:That's all I made...I was so busy,but you can make one...I'll show you.

M:Now!

Shana showed her different variations and Meg wrote them down. She learned to read and write around the time she had met Xena and Gabrielle.

S:We can do side dishes,too. Cheese sticks...sandwiches...

M:What's a sandwich?

S:Two pieces of breadwith all kinds of stuff inside.

M:Okay...we can unload a lot of leftovers that way.

S:Well,that's ONE way of looking at it.

M:Make sure everybody gets ale,too. Not too many water-drinkers around here.

S:Right!

The lunch crowd was coming in. Meg and Shana were preparing an array of pizzas and sandwiches in the hours between breakfast and lunch.

M:Look at that mob! We're going to have to move fast!

S:We're ready for 'em.

M:Okay folks....orders are being taken NOW!

Shana and Meg were working like mad. The customers,upon trying the pizza,acted like they never saw food before.It was hard to understand the mob,with them all talking and ordering with their mouths full.Burps and grunts of pleasure came from the crowd,and the ale flowed freely.

Customer:Hey,Meg...this sandwich,whatever it is,is good,but you said there would be pickles on the side.

M:Hey,Shana...are those pickles ready yet?

S:Yes...I have many dills.

M;What?

S:It's a pun...get it?

M:Huh?

S:Never mind...here they are.

The afternoon went on like that until it started getting dark. A couple of drunks were sitting at the bar talking.

First Drunk: Y'know...I heard that Xena can blow fire at people by spitting booze over a flame.I can do it.

Second Drunk: Go on! No way!

FD:I'll bet you five dinars I can do it.

SD:You're on!

FD:Yo,Meg!Gimme a cup of the strong stuff.

M:(working like mad)Okay...here you go.

FD:Now watch(takes a mouthful).

Shana was still preparing food behind the counter near the grille. At the last moment,she saw what was happening.

SD:Go ahead---show me!

FD(grabs a candle and starts to spit the booze over the flame).

S:NO!WAIT!

It was too late. Shana had to duck because the flame came right at her. Most of it hit the woodwork around the grille,setting fire to the weeks-old,caked-on grease. It also burned off about an inch of Shana's long hair,even tho it was tied back in a ponytail.

FD:Pay up!

S:Grease fire!Everybody out---QUICK!

M:(grabbing the coin box)---Allright! Everybody MOVE!

The customers,including the drunks,ran or staggered out. By now,the fire was totally out of control.The dog made it out before everybody,and Meg and Shana were the last to leave.

The crowd watched the diner burn to the ground.At least a few thoughtful drinkers saved the ale barrels.

M:Well,there goes the end of a perfect day.

S:I'm sorry...it all happened so fast....I couldn't...

M:(interrupting her). No...I don't mean it that way.It WAS a perfect day. Look: I have more dinars here from today than I make in weeks. I have more than enough to rebuild this dump if I want to---but I don't. I have the money and the pizza recipes.

S:But what will you do?

M:I'm thinking of going into another public service deal,you know,something up close and REALLY personal.(she wiggled her hips suggestively).

S:You don't mean....?

M:Sure...why not? Everybody has fun,and I get to make a few dinars on the side,and that's just ONE position,heh-heh. Besides,I've got all the equipment I need.

S:Well,if you're sure...(knowing Meg would open a cat-house soon anyway).

M:Yeah,and if you're ever lookin' for a job...

S:Um...I already have a job back home.

M;All right.I understand. You don't want to be surrounded by a bunch of horny,sex-starved perverts.

S:Well,I think it's already in my job description.

M:Huh?

S:You're right...not for me.

M:Oh,okay.If you ever change your mind...

S:I'll let you know. I have to be going now.

M:Here's your ten dinars---you earned it.

S:Oh,I couldn't.

M:Hey,a deal's a deal.

S:(not wanting to insult Meg)...Okay....thanks.

M:No...thank YOU.

Shana went back to her time machine and removed the tree limb camouflage. She unlocked the combination lock and went inside,closed the door,and hit the "home" button.Instantly,there was a shimmer and the machine rematerialized in Shana's living room.

She stepped out and went to the mirror,untying her hair. It WAS about an inch shorter,but it would grow back. She knew how dangerous a grease fire was---she had been thru plenty of them at work.

Shana had a thought:she would watch the episode where Joxer and Meg were married and had a bunch of kids. They were running another eatery,and Shana wanted to see if pizza was on the menu.

The End

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