Indiana Shana Nails a Viking

Disclaimer:

Shana couldn't stand Hrothgar---the guy was a real pig. The way he treated Walthea,a.k.a. Xena,was disgusting. He even wanted to kill his old friend Beowulf,who was innocent of trying to seduce Walthea on her wedding day. Shana,with her own Prime Directive,like on Star Trek,didn't want to interfere,but wanted to see Hrothgar and Walthea the night before the wedding.

She knew that she was not allowed to stop it,even if she could,but wanted some answers.

Donning a homemade travelling bard outfit,she put a few small necesseties in a knapsack and entered her time machine. Since Walthea was entwined with the Rhinegold and the Rhine Maidens,Shana had to stop there first.

Setting her controls to the Rhine River after Xena lost her mind,Shana pushed the button. Instantly,the machine shimmered and disappeared from her living room. She rematerialized on the bank of the Rhine. She stepped out and walked a short distance downstream. Shana could hear squeals and giggles,with a lot of splashing..Spotting the three Rhine Maidens at once,she wondered where Xena was. Sure enough,Xena appeared from underwater,holding a fish in each hand.

First Rhine Maiden:Hey! Get those smelly things away from me! You know I hate fish!

Xena: Aw,come on...they taste great!

Second R.M.:We have a lot of take-out from Valhalla---better stuff,too.

Third R.M.;Yeah,and we can eat like hogs and not get fat,not to mention being immortal.

X:You guys are no fun.

Shana: Hello....can I speak with you?

X:Who are you?

S;I'm Indiana Shana and I am a bard collecting stories.

F.R.M.:Can you tell us some now?

S.R.M.:Yeah...please?

T.R.M.We'll let you see our treasures we have hidden in an underwater cave.

F.R.M:Gods! Will you shut up about that? Our friend stole the Rhinegold,remember? Now she can't even remember her own name.

S.R.M:And,she never even told US what it was the first time we saw her.

T.R.M:I still love her anyway.

F.R.M:You love everybody.

Shana:Please...can I talk to the dark-haired one?

X:What do you want? Come on in and play with us!

S:It's too cold---there's a skim coating of ice along the edge of the river.

X:So what? We're not cold.

F.R.M:We're enchanted...even our friend...we don't get cold.

S:No thanks....really. So,what do I call you?

X;The girls call me Mavis. It seems I can't remember anything about my past life.

S:Too bad. Do you feel the loss of anybody you used to know?

X:No,but come a little closer...there is SOMETHING.

Stepping closer to the water's edge,Shana gets hit in the face with a double-handful of icy water,soaking the front of her outfit.

S:Jeeze! Cut it out! It's freezing!

X:Come on in...NOW!

S:I can't.

X:You're really starting to tick me off.

Shana could see that some aspect of Xena's personality survived.

S:I have to leave now...I have an appointment.

Maidens:Don't go! We want to play!

S:Sorry.

X;You're gonna be.

Shana ran to the machine and set the time and location controls to the night before the Hrothgar-Walthea wedding. She materialized in the woods near the castle and locked the machine and walked towards the main gate.

Viking guard:Hold it! Where do you think you're going?

S:I'd like to see Lord Hrothgar...I am a bard and want to tell him a story. After all,this is his last night as a bachelor.

V.G:I think he'd want a lot more than a story,heh-heh...couldn't you wear something more revealing? The babes around here are just about falling out of their tops,even in the snow.

S:I could later,I suppose,but it's cold out. Can't I come in?

V.G:Well,what have you got for me?

S:How about this? Try it.

She handed him a pack of Juicy Fruit gum. He took it,opened it up,and put a piece in his mouth.He chewed and swallowed it at once.

S:You're just supposed to chew it,not eat it.

V.G:Then what good is it? Oh,well...go on in. We could use a tall dark-haired girl.

S: Thanks.

Shana got inside and headed to the Great Hall. There was a lot of noise and smashing dishes. Some hunting dogs were barking and there was a lot of armed,drunken Vikings almost out of control.She had entered Hrothgar's Stag Party!

DRUNK:Hey...there's another wench! C'mere,honey!

S:Uh....I'm a bard,not a serving wench. Can I see Hrothgar?

DRUNK: Hey,Hrothgar! There's another babe here to see you,heh-heh.

Hrothgar:Let's see her!All right! Tall,and strong,too.Look at that dark hair... I'm sick to death of blondes.

He staggers towards Shana and grabs her arm and ushers her into a side room amid winks and nudges from his men.

H:(to guards)...Leave us alone for a few minutes...that's all it will take....he burped and wiped his face on his sleeve.

Shana,now feeling nauseous,allowed herself to be led into the room.

H:Now,wench,take it off!

S:I'm here to ask you some questions---you know---The Great Hrothgar's Exploits...then I can spread the word about you thru Denmark.

H:(his ego kicking in):Well,sure. We can wait a few minutes(hiccups).

S;Beowulf says you told him you rescued Walthea from the Rhine.

H:Sure...she was drowning---couldn't swim at all.

S:(knowing that Xena was a great swimmer,figured he just found her wandering around wet from falling in,but was able to save herself.Besides,a Valkyrie mentioned Xena was "with the fishes".)

S:So,you saved her life,huh?

H:Yeah...she was grateful,to,heh-heh.Know what I mean? (He winks at Shana).

S:(knowing Xena wouldn't let him touch her until their wedding night,pressed on)

S:Sure...I know what you mean....Did she tell you her name?

H:Naw...she was out of it...couldn't remember a thing.I just called her Walthea,not a Norse name really,but I couldn't go around calling her "Hey You".Her mind's gone,but what a babe.

S:You mean no woman in her right mind would want to marry you?

H:Hey,watch it,missy.

S:(Knowing him to be a liar)..Can I see her?

H: She's busy.(He makes a grab for Shana's arm to pull her close).

Shana sidesteps the drunken lord and straight-arms him in the shoulder. As big as he was,he spun around and banged his head against the door frame,knocking himself out. He crumpled in a heap on the floor,and strangely enough,didn't spill a drop of his drink.

S:Now I'm in for it!

GUARDS(outside):Hey! The boss knocked! I guess he's finished,heh-heh.

S:(hides behind a tapestry).

GUARDS;Look!He's passed out...AGAIN.We'd better get him upstairs to sleep it off.After all,tomorrow's his Big Day. (They carry him out).

S:(breathing a sigh of relief)...I've got a little time before he tells them the truth...I must see Xena.

Shana walked down the hallway and met a serving wench.

WENCH: You're not supposed to be here....why aren't you in the kitchen?

S:I'm assigned to Walthea's room for a clean-up. I'm kinda new here...can you show me where her room is?

W:What have you got for me?

S;(reaching into her pack,pulls out a roll of Life Savers). Here:it's all I have left. They're sweet...try them.

W:(eats one)...strange taste,but good. Okay...go down the hall,second door on the left.(She leaves).

Shana stood outside the door and knocked.

XENA: Yeah? What is it NOW?

S:Maid service.

X:Come on in...this place is a sty. I had my bachelorette party earlier today.

S:I'm really here to ask you...

X:Wait a minute!You're the one who wouldn't go swimming with us!(She jabs Shana in the neck---it was the dreaded Pinch)

S:GAACK!Please!...take it off!(Her nose started bleeding...she had been thru this before and it hurt like hell. She could feel her life ebbing away).

X:(Releases the pinch)...Oh,sorry...just a reflex. I don't know how I know how to do that.But,you DID take off in a hurry. That was months ago,and my memory from then to now is fine.

S:Sorry I left.(She wipes her blood from her face)...I really had to run then.

X:Oh,okay. Do you know any jokes? I'd love to play in the waterlike my Rhine Maiden friends do.(It was snowing outside now,and there was no way Shana was going out in icy water with a dangerous and mind-altered Warrior Princess.)

S;I have a cold(coughs to prove it).

X:What's in the bag?

S:Oh,stuff for headaches,cramps,and tummy aches.

X:Are you a healer?

S:No,but I have many pills.

X:That sounds so familiar.ANYway,why are you here? I remember your name is Indiana Shana...see,I DO remember things!

S:You're right.I'm writing a bard-story for back home.How did you come to be here and why are you marrying Hrothgar?

X;Easy...he said he rescued me from drowning,but I was on dry land then.I slipped and fell in,but I got out okay.I just went along with what he said.I was wearing a warrior-outfit,but had no weapons,so I just acted like he was a hero. He went for it,the idiot.

S:If you don't like him,why marry him?

Hey! He's the only game in town in this godsforsaken place.Besides,where else can I order people around?

S:(realizes Xena's need to dominate is still there,pressed on). Did he try any funny stuff on you?

X:Oh,you mean SEX? He tried,but I'm a virgin,like the Rhine Maidens and I told him he'd have to waut until our wedding night.It's been a year now and he's a bit horny,and I'm not talking about his helmet,either.

S:What happened?

X:Oh,he tried to grab my boobs,and I did that pinch thing on him. He went down like a a ton of bricks. He was actually choking...I took it off in time---don't ask me how---but he hasn't tried it since.I know he's got girlfriends for THAT,so I guess I'll have to "do it" tomorrow night.My first time,too!

S:(oh,if you only knew)...Too bad you will marry a guy you don't love.

X:What else can a woman hope to do up here?Have you ever heard of a woman warrior besides the Valkyries?You can be sure I'd never be one of them.

S:(oh,brother...she's really lost it)...I understand. Do you feel any different now then when Hrothgar found you?

X:Rothie?

S;You call him that?

X:Well,he calls me Wally.

S:No memories ever surfaced?

X:Not a one,except for an irritating blonde...but here,there are a LOT of TALL irritating blondes.

Noise erupts from outside the room. The guards are looking for Shana.

S:I have to get out of here fast.

X:You don't want to play?

S:No...I'm running for my life.

X:Well,let me help you.(She shows Shana a secret exit from her room. Xena gives her directions which lead thru a tunnel to the woods. Shana thanked her and went thru the tunnel,emerging near some shrubs,right near her machine.)

She hurried to it and opened the combination lock and shut the door behind her. She hit the "home" button and materialized in her living room in seconds. Shana stepped out of the machine.

She knew tomorrow's (their time) wedding would end up with Walthea/Xena marrying Hrothgar,but there would be no honeymoon. Xena's memory would return and she would be reunited with Gabrielle.

One thing for sure,she was glad she was home where it was warm.And,at least Shana slammed "Rothie" into the door frame after he tried to grab her.She got to see a more playful,if not a more dangerous Xena.

Shana wondered...since Xena "married" Ares before the Fates,and then married Hrothgar,did that make her a bigamist?

Another dilemma....which Xena/Gabby combination was the real one? The Clones version or the reincarnated one,Soul Possession, where they finally look like themselves? It was possible that Janice and Mel from The Xena Scrolls were still alive,too....Who to visit next?Shana had her work cut out for her.

The end.

Adventures of Indiana Shana
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