The God You Know
I had been looking forward to this one all week. What transpired wasn't exactly what I had
envisioned, but I don't think they can show that on television anyway! This was a rather
twisty-turny episode...one that had the predicaments continually getting worse and worse until
the final segment in which Xena proves once again why the show is named after her.
The episode starts with Xena and Gabrielle walking through a battlefield of mutilated corpses,
several of them women. There are severed heads and slit throats abound. Gabs wants to know
who would do this. Gabrielle's horse is back to the apaloosa of two weeks ago...last week her
horse was white. Anyway, Michael, the archangel flashes before Xena, who immediately
draws her sword. "What do you want, Michael?" Michael senses hostility from Xena and
wants her to know, "I'm all right with that." The guy is pulling sarcasm right away! Apparently,
that's not one of the seven deadly sins. Xena says that's big of him, considering last time they
met he was trying to condemn her to hell. He responds, "Desperate times call for desperate
measures." If I were him, and had a sword being thrust at my chest by the warrior princess, I
would have told her I knew she was the only one who could have taken care of Lucifer. But
that's me; Michael doesn't stroke egos apparently. He tells her times are desperate again, and
when she asks who's responsible for the carnage, he answers, "Caligula." Xena responds
immediately to the name, and when Michael says "You know his reputation," Xena responds,
"He's a psycho, sex addict, and murderer...you're run-of-the-mill Roman emperor." Gabrielle
adds, "And he thinks he's a god." Michael tells her no, he is a god. Xena wants to know how it
happened. Michael tells her he doesn't know. And that's not important. What's important is
Xena is the only one who can kill gods.
Michael gives Xena and Gabs a little background information. Caligula rose to power by killing
Tiberius, and every single member of his own family. He slays anyone who won't swear
allegience to his cult of blood. He wants his name in history books as one of the great gods of
the Pantheon. "And he'll destroy anyone who won't submit to him." Xena's been listening to all
this with a sneer, but when Michael gets to this point, she smiles wickedly and adds, "Including
angels, no doubt." Michael is sure taunting her..."And the followers of Eli." Xena's blue eyes
are blazing, far bluer than I've seen them in a long time. Must be the lighting. "If anything's
happened to Eve, Michael..." Eve...Eve...let's see...I know that name from somewhere...Hee
hee...Oh yeah, Xena's daughter. THAT Eve! Michael tells Xena that Eve has gone to stop the
persecution, but nothing has happened to her yet. Xena doesn't take this news well...she points
her sword at Michael again and growls, "If I find out you're behind any of this, Michael, I
swear I-" "As you well know, Xena," he cuts her off, "your daughter obeys a power higher
than me." I desperately wanted to jump through my television screen and help Xena wipe that
smug smile off Michael's face. Xena takes a second to regroup, then whispers, "MIchael, don't
forget...if I can kill gods, then I can kill angels too." She pointedly walks away from him.
There's a long shot of Xena and Gabrielle galloping toward Rome, still dressed in their regular
clothes, then we get to meet Caligula. He rides into the town square (don't know what else to
call it), on a chariot, gold laurels on his head, waving his hand toward his people. Behind the
chariot, the bodies of two men are dragged, face up. He rolls to a stop, and then hops off the
chariot and stands before a tall, young Roman. He hands a knife to the Roman, bares his chest
and tells the Roman to do it. The young Roman puts a sword through Cali's stomach, and pulls
it out again. There is no blood...no damage at all. The Roman swears his loyalty to Cali who is
pleased, as long as swears only to his "eternal cult of blood". The Roman kisses his ring (is
Cali part pope?) and is dismissed. Cali turns to an old man, wanting the same allegience,
holding up his ring to be kissed and the old man says he can't foresake his religion. Caligula
says, "Then you forsake your life," and orders the old man to be tied up.
Sounds like a cue for a defender to me, and Eve makes her first appearance. "Let him go!"
Caligula wants to know who she is, and a soldier whispers in his ear. "Oh, Eve of the Elijans!"
he exclaims with recognition. Okay...Elijans? That's a new one to me, she was always a
follower of the "cult of Eli" before this point. If I'm correct, Eli was never referred to as Elijah,
although it's obvious that's who he was modelled after, and as far as I'm concerned, "Elijans"
comfirms it. Caligula is still talking, "You know, I wish I hadn't been away in the provinces
when you were Livia. How I would have enjoyed meeting the Bitch of Rome." He chuckles as
if he's said something clever. I like Eve's response. "Now I'm the bitch FOR Rome," she tells
him, "and for people through the God of Eli, whose love is an unconquerable force once it has
entered the soul. As his message spreads, Caliglua, your days of tyranny are over." Now, Eve
really got on my nerves in The Haunting of Amphipolis and Heart of Darkness, but she's not
bothering me too much here, except for the way her voice keeps rising and falling. "and for
people THROUGH THE GOD of Eli, whose love is an UNCONQUERABLE FORCE"...and
so on...I'll get over it!
Caligula gives a mock overfaked yawn..."Now I remember why I love to kill Elijans...it's the
only thing that shuts them up." I dunno...it's hard to see how this guy managed to rise to
power in the manner he did. He doesn't act that intelligent, and he looks more like a cross
between Luke Skywalker and Greg Brady than a Roman emperor. About that time we hear a
familiar "Yah!" off-screen, and in races another chariot. One of the soldiers comments it's
coming in too fast, and orders for it to be stopped. The soldiers run from Eve, and another
familiar face pops up...Gabrielle. She's dressed in her regular clothes with a orangish piece of
cloth over one shoulder and a cute little fez, which she removes (like Eve wouldn't recognize
her with it on?) and grabs Eve's arm, telling her to go with her. Xena is, of course, the reckless
chariot driver, and she's dressed in a long black robe, with gold armour plating, and gold
combination mask and helmet obscuring the upper two thirds of her face. She sword fights a
few soldiers as the chariot is still moving, and Ares moves up (where did he come from?)
behind the old man to watch the action. Caligua is watching the action in amazement as the
chariot comes to a screeching halt, and Xena somersalts off of it to land in front of him, full
warrior princess haughty glare in place. Caligula recoils a bit, then says, "I don't know who you
are, but I like your style." Xena then raises a leg, grabs a dagger from her shoe, and stabs him
in the chest, making this the shortest episode of XWP ever. Well, I think that was the
intention, but someone interferes. She draws the dagger saying, "Oh yeah, how do you like
this?" and moves to strike and is tackled by a diving Ares!
Hmmm...Ares seems to have ditched the overalls from his previous appearance and is back in
his regular leathers. Xena isn't too pleased with him, calling him a fool..."What do you think
you're doing?" "I can't let you kill my sister," he responds evenly. Xena's confused, and so am
I...but Aphrodite appears at that moment, reclining on...something, with some scantily clad
muscled Romans around her. She is almost unrecognizable...at least to me...she's wearing very
little clothing, but her hair is all decked out like some kind of sombrero,and her face is
expressionless, almost as if it's painted on. "Aphrodite and Caligula's lives are bound together,"
Ares tells Xena. They're still on the ground, by the way,"If he dies, then you destroy her too."
Cali takes Aphrodite's hand, and pulls her up, so they can walk side by side as we fade to
opening credits.
Gabs and Eve are still moving fast, getting away from Cali as the next segment opens. They're
arms are intertwined, and Gabrielle wants to know if Eve is all right. She is fine, but says Gabs
and Xena shouldn't be there, it's her mission. "Your mother's mission is protecting you,"
Gabrielle tells her. She tells Eve there are some Elijans (so now she's using the term too) hiding
in the catacombs outside of town, and she wants Eve to go there. Eve hesitates, then agrees to
it. Gabrielle turns to head back, and puts the fez back on, telling herself, "Okay."
Cali and Aphrodite are making puppy dog eyes at each other, while Xena and Ares continue to
uh...lay in the dirt, but then they are both hauled to their feet by some soldiers. Xena stands in
front of Caligula. "Either you are incredibly stupid," he starts, then he turns all goofy, "or you
know that there is nothing I enjoy more than a good surprise." Xena sizes him up with her
gaze, while Aphrodite does something that shocked me. She eyes her brother, likes his looks,
and advances toward him. This poor guy sure gets felt up a lot this season!! Aphrodite runs
her hands down his sides and Ares exclaims "Okay! Bad touching!" as her hands move to
uh...a very popular spot on his body this season, if you catch my drift. "Stopping now!" he
cries, obviously (thank the gods) extremely uncomfortable with her actions. Xena looks
shocked too, at first, then when Caligula pulls Aprhodite back and orders Ares and the Elijan
taken to prison, turns back to her study of Cali. I like the fact that despite she is wearing the
mask, you can see the wheels in her head turning...obviously, a plan is in formation as Caligula
speaks. Aphrodite tells Cali she's tired, and he tells her she should rest, then bends her back
over his arm and gives her a long kiss, which puts her to sleep somehow. Xena watches all this
with a look that says she really, REALLY wants to stop this, but knows it's not the time. Cali
releases the love goddess to some of the muscle bound men, then gives a little shake like he
just ate a York Peppermint Patty, before turning back to Xena.
"All right," he says, overacting fully in place,"Why don't you try to tell me just exactly what
you think you were doing?" Xena opens her mouth to answer, but in pops Gabrielle to stand
before her and say, " Allow me to explain. I am Sinda of Thrace. I represent the financial
interests of the great charioteer, Sabah." The way she smiles as she says the names, I have the
feeling she's making them up as she goes along. She even gives a little gun finger point at Xena
when she gets to the Sabah part. If they hadn't been interrupted, Sabah was going to challenge
him to a chariot race. Check out Gabs' hysterical grin and nod at Xena as she finishes
her little speech.
Caligula is intrigued, sensing a little fun in this. He pushes Gabs aside to check out Sabah.
"And I do so love tall girls," he says, putting his hands on Xena's sides and turning her. She is
being strangely quiet, but when one of his hands slips behind her warrior butt and
does...something...she responds by thrusting her hips forward with a little hiccup sound. "You
will be my guest of honor at the palace...so I can enjoy your company...until the race. " he
tells her, as they walk off screen.
Xena and Gabrielle settle in at the palace...right into a big bathtub. They're sitting on opposite
sides, and Xena has a hold of Gabrielle's foot, washing away. "That's good," Gabrielle
whispers. I don't think Xena's in the mood for bathtime fun though...she tells Gabbers that
Rome "irks me". She tells Gabs that they have to stop Cali from killing Eve, but Gabs reminds
her Eve is safe with the Elijans. Xena doesn't trust Eve to stay there though...good move.
Check out the reflections of the ladies' bodies underwater. I don't know if they have on body
suits or not, but they certainly aren't using stunt doubles in this one. Xena makes a retreat out
of the bathwater and into a green towel. Gabs tells Xena they have to stop Cali without hurting
Aphrodite. "Which means we have to find out what this crazy bond is between them", Xena
responds, "and break it." This scene is almost like a Mission Impossible...this message will
self-destruct in thirty seconds...recording. Gabrielle continues, "We have to stop this Caligula
from committing genocide for his cult of blood." Xena dries off and releases her hair
remarkably fast, and is hopping in an effort to squeeze herself into her oufit. She agrees with
Gabs, saying Aphrodite will be at the party. She wants Gabbers to try to talk some sense into
her while she speaks with Ares in the dungeon. She'll join the party later. As she dons her
mask and moves out of the room, Gabrielle calls after her, "Xena, don't forget you're the guest
of honor!"
The party is in full swing, and Gabbers moves across the room, now dressed totally Romanish
(Romanesque...Romanoff?). She's got that pillbox hat on again. She sits down beside
Aphrodite, telling her "Aphrodite, you look beautiful. Just a little...different." Aphrodite pulls
away a bit, very dazed and confused, and do we really have to look at a fat guy stuffing a
bunch of grapes in his mouth? Gabbers tries again, this time pulling off the hat (does she really
think she looks that different with it on?)..."Aphrodite, don't you remember me?" "You're
being very familiar," Aphrodite responds in a whiny tone, "considering I'm a goddess and
you're a butt kissing parasite." Gabrielle is genuinely hurt. "Aphrodite, I'm your friend." The
love goddess stares at her for a second, then mutters, "Leave me alone" and gets to her feet.
She staggers off, looking as if she's quite drunk, leaving Caligula behind to make out with some
chick, ignoring her totally. "Aphrodite," Gabs calls, falling her, making four consecutive
sentences started with "Aphrodite." "Aphrodite, are you okay?" "Fabulous!" comes the
response, as her sweeping hand guesture knocks a big vase to the floor. "Wonderful, I've
never been so happy!" She giggles at first, but the smile fades as she takes Gabs shoulder and
pushes her back against a wall. I think Hrothgar has been giving her pointers. She leans in and
plants her lips on Gabbers for just the briefest touch, and Gabs pushes her back, asking "What
are you doing?" in a most shocked and uncomfortable tone. Funny thing is...for the very
briefest of seconds, Gabrielle's eyes closed and she didn't fight...almost as if it was a reflex
response. I'll let that thought go, because she's obviously very displeased with the
development. Back at the party, Cali notices his woman has split.
Gabs and Aphrodite are still in the hall, and Aphrodite is telling Gabs she loves Cali sooooo
much, which Gabs doesn't believe. Cali interrupts then, telling Gabs "You must forgive her.
She's tired...and emotional." Some men walk Aphrodite off, and she gives a little wave to
Gabbers. "I can tell," Gabs responds. This guy has serious mood swings...one minute he's
being polite, and now he's mad. "And where is your Sabah? Hmm?" For a minute I thought
Gabs was looking for a melon, no that's casaba, but she turns to see if Xena is there yet. "She
insults both the emperor and the god with her failure to appear," Caligula adds. He says it's
time for some kind (couldn't quite make it out) of guard to hunt her down. "Maybe then she'll
learn the importance of punctuality...in death." He snaps his fingers. Oh great, he's got
delusions of being Fonzie on top of all his other personalities!
Ares is laid back in a prison cell, but hops to his feet as Xena approaches. "Xena...thank the
heavens!" I'm going to miss "thank the gods", but I guess it can't really be said now, can it?
His first question is "How's Aphrodite?" but Xena says she was hoping he could tell her that.
They're speaking in hushed whispers as Ares tells her he came to Rome when he heard she
was losing her mind. Without the god of war, the goddess of love becomes unbalanced.
Hmmm...another side effect to Ares giving up his godhood.
Upstairs at the party, Gabrielle has to think of a stall. She follows Caligula back to the party,
and tells him he's not going to leave before she can give her "world renowned performance".
"Performance?" he and I echo in unison. Downstairs, Ares tells Xena that Cali is sucking
Aphrodite's power (interesting choice of words there), bit by bit. "Now if you thought he was
bad as an emperor, imagine him with the powers of a full god." And Ares can't stop him.
"Well, maybe I can," Xena replies but Ares tells her no. Did he really think Xena would listen?
"I've got to come between them before it's too late", she says doggedly, redonning her mask
and heading back out of the dungeon.
It's time for Gabrielle's performance. I'm not sure exactly what it's supposed to be. I think it's
a combination of martial arts and dance moves, with a little fire in little jars in the hand thing,
but it certainly kept Caligula's attention. Someone else will have to figure out exactly what she
was doing...it escaped me. Some Romans hold up some square shaped platforms and Gabs
jumps on top to continue her routine. Aphrodite is fascinated, and Caligula has to use his hand
on her face to divert her attention from Gabrielle's contortions. Xena enters and focuses on
Cali rubbing his fingers over Aphrodite's eyelids as she drops back into a sleep. Gabrielle
finishes up her routine with a backward somersalt off the platform to applause from all,
including Caligula. Xena stands behind Gabs, "Did you get to Aphrodite?" she whispers, to
which Gabs responds, "She doesn't recognize us."
Caligula's amusement fades when he spots Xena. He calls out "Sabah! I missed your
company." Methinks Gabrielle has just been forgotten, because she pulls the black robe from
Xena's body, leaving Xena decked out in a legs and torso bared, mesh and black outfit. "I am
at your command, Sire." He chuckles, "Careful! I can have some pretty unusual commands."
He gets a close up of her abs and breathes, "Whew!!" before turning to his guests. He wants
her to prove herself worthy of a chariot race against her. This guy's mouth reminds me of a
horse...he's got some really big teeth! "Name your test, Lord," Xena responds, sounding a little
bored. "I will prove myself worthy of your indulgence." A gong sounds and Ares is brought in.
shirtless, of course. Xena is shocked, but takes a sword handed to her, and looks to Caligula.
"Prove yourself," he says calmly..."Kill him." He gives that big toothy grin, then breaks into a
Joker laugh as the scene fades.
The next part isn't going to sit too well with some fans, but I'm just shallow enough to say I
just turned up the air conditioning as the next scene unfolded. Gabrielle floats into the picture,
and Xena pulls her to the other side of Ares. "In a former life, my manager and I had a little
floor show," Xena says with a smile as Gabs grabs Ares' arm and wraps it around herself,"
which we'd like now to perform for you in honor of our emperor's exotic taste and
entertainment." Ares is eyeing them both warily, as Gabs kisses his hand with a big old grin on
her face. The crowd approves with catcalls and applause, and Ares gives a silly little "sure
whatever" look. "Now you're talking", Caligula says in approval.
Xena goes right for her favorite spot on Ares, the left nipple, but turns back to Cali. "Do you
want a piece of this?" she asks huskily. Ares response is a non-verbal "Huh?". "I'm tempted,"
Caligula admits, checking out Ares..."Deeply tempted...but...I uhhh...I can't." He reclines next
to the unconscious Aphrodite and indicates that she's the one stopping him. Xena has a hold of
Ares nipple, again, but leaves Gabrielle to rub against Ares as she approaches Caligula. "Well,
just as you like," she purrs, "Though I'd like to give you a taste of what you'd be missing." She
moves in close, removes her mask, and gives him a kiss, that ends with her sucking on his
bottom lip, and just before releasing him, she bites down on the lip. "You are the savage one,"
he tells her, his eyes widening. "You have no idea," she whispers back with a slight smile,
rubbing noses with him, and then she moves back to Ares, who has been watching all this with
Gabrielle's hands on his pectorals (what I would give to be Renee's hands just then!). "And
now," Xena tells him with a grin, "Let us entertain you!" Caligula leans forward to watch, and
what's that I see on his lip, but a small trickle of blood! Uh oh!!
Xena's mouth sure does like that nipple! "You know," Ares tells her, "I've fantasized about this
in about a hundred different situations, but I've got to tell you...this scenario never came up."
Gabrielle has disappeared behind him...all you can see is the tip top of her golden hair over his
shoulder. "Well, enjoy it while you can," Xena responds from somewhere down below his chin
"because in about thirty seconds, all hell is going to break loose."
It was only about ten seconds...Caligula notices the blood, and freaks. "Guards! Put that
woman in chains! Immediately!" The guards move to do his bidding, and Ares says
questioningly "Now?" I'm not sure if he's referring to the breaking loose of hell or if he's
questioning Caligula's really bad timing. Xena's hands and feet are bound with chains.
Aphrodite wakes up then, and whimpers to Cali that she wants to go home. He backhands her,
cutting her forehead, and tells her no, and goes back to worrying about his lip. Xena has to
restrain herself again from attacking, and I don't blame her. This guy gives jerks a bad name.
Caligula orders the hall cleared, and people take off screaming like it's the Titantic. Caligula
pants for a guard to stab him in the arm, and the order is followed, but when there's no blood,
Caligula shoves the guard away. "I still have it," he tells himself, "My sweet immortality." He
glances at Xena who is steely eyed, a confident smile on her lips, and Cali has to look away,
frightened.
Aphrodite still doesn't know who Gabrielle is, but at least she seems to trust her. She's looking
in a hand mirror, laughing at the cut on her forehead, saying she's going to die now that she's a
pathetic mortal. Gabrielle puts her hands to the former goddess's face, saying her name two
more times as she tries to convince her that they're friends. So much for trusting Gabs,
Aphrodite says she's not staying there, and tries to warp out of there, twice, but can't do it.
Her powers seem to be gone.
The party room is now cleared, save Caligula and Xena. He's still touching that lip of his, and
Xena watches him. He looks at her, and she holds up her chained hands..."Nice touch". He
slowly approaches her, asking how it's possible she could make him bleed. "I'm an immortal,"
he tells her. Xena's response? "Join the club. Caligula, I am immortal too." He's incredulous.
"Sabah the charioteer is a god?" "No, Sabah, the Celtic goddess of sex is a god. When I heard
that the Olympians had met an untimely end, I felt this was the perfect opportunity for me to
spread my...(insert breathy pause)...wings." (I promise you, I did NOT make that up!) Her
delivery reminds me very much of Cleopatra's telling Antony, "Now, I am free." She wants to
be allies with Caligula. He wants to know what power she has. "Well, you've already
experienced my powers," she tells him, walking behind him. I guess her feet weren't chained
too tightly. My mind was running a little rampant at this point, but she continues, "I have the
ability to pierce the veil of immortality...to make gods bleed...to make gods die...It's an
uncommon gift." I don't know what that has to do with her being a sex goddess, but Cali didn't
seem to question it. She's smiling at him in that disconcerting way, and he says, "And a risk for
any god to keep you around." Well, at least he has some sanity left. "It's a risk not too," she
returns. Then with a jealous tone, she adds, "especially when you compare me to that
washed-out dishrag, Aphrodite." Doh! Gabs better not hear about this! Hee hee!
Caligula suddenly realizes Elvis...errr...Aphrodite has left the building. "Where is she,
anyway?" "Oh, forget her. She's weak!" Xena replies. " You know how much better it would be if there were
two healthy gods using one another," She puts the chain between her hands around her neck
and rubs rather erotically up and down against the back of his, audibly....whoa! He likes that!
He turns to face her. "You mean you...and I?" he asks. Yeah, sure...he's not slow to catch on
at all! "Well, otherwise you'd be known as Caligula, god of messed up freaks," Xena replies.
Something in that statement ticks him off and he pushes her away, demanding, "Do you know
who you are talking too?" "Do you?" she returns, calmly, and then giving her battle cry, does a
vertical somersalt. On her ascent, a spear hanging above her cuts the chains that have been
holding her. Caligula recoils in fear, the big wuss, and Xena continues, "My offer's on the
table, Caligula. You think about it carefully. I make a very good friend, and an even better
enemy." She leaves him speechless as she walks out of the room, raising her arms with a
flourish to get the guards on either side of the doorway to uncross their spears for her exit.
I don't think the next scene was really necessary, but apparently Caligula hears voices. He's in
his chambers, and his mother's voice is mocking him, telling him he's weak and pathetic. Cali
is groveling and screaming, trying to convince himself it's all imagined, then yells for someone
to save him. His mother's voice says "Save yourself," and there's the sound of laughter behind
him. Guess who it is? It's the friendly neighborhood instigator, at least in this episode, Michael.
"What sort of demon are you?" Caligula asks, and Michael just looks at him. Very very
strange...I've never known an angel to be so cold and calculated.
Cut to the catacombs and Eve deep in prayer. Someone approaches from behind and puts his
hands on her temples. "At last," she whispers, "I am ready." and turns to face...Michael. Now
he has the angelic smile again. He calms and soothes Eve, telling her she's afraid. She tries to
tell him she isn't, but he whispers "Have no fear," and leads her out of the cave.
After the commercials, Cali is sitting on his throne, pouting, and Eve is brought in and dropped
before his feet. She tells him she gives all to Caesar, all that is Caesar's, but she also offers him
the path of true redemption. I do very much like Cali's response. "You are so...earnest." She
tries again, telling him to denounce lust and violence for truth and hope. He weighs them both
over, but the status quo is what he wants to stick with as he draws a dagger and prepares to
strike. Eve isn't protesting.
The God You Know Part 2
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