The God You Know 2

Someone else is..."Oh fabulous," comes a sarcastic voice out of the darkness, and Xena approaches, shaking her head, admonishing, "Caligula, what on earth did you think you were doing?" Eve's has turned to her, her mouth barely whispering, "Mother?" "I don't need you to interfere with my mission!" Eve barks to which Xena raises an arm and (I'm sorry, but I found this hilarious), cold-cocks her daughter upside the head. Xena barely glances down, saying to Cali, "Granted she's a bit irritating (is anyone thinking blonde here?), but why here and now?" Caligula tells her the demon with wings told him that killing her would ensure his legacy as the greatest of all gods." Xena's eyes react to his statement...she knows who the "demon" he speaks of is, but she repeats, "The demon with wings," as if she thinks Cali is an idiot for imagining it. "My dear," she says leading him away,"Why here and now when there is neither sport nor glory?" She has taken the dagger from Cali, and pitches it over her shoulder. "Glory?" he asks, trailing slightly behind like an overeager puppy. Xena obviously is going to spell things out for this one...telling him how much more effective it would be for him to exterminate the messenger of Eli in front of the masses. He finally catches on..."That would make them take notice." Xena gives him a golf clap with a straight-faced "Superb". He mutters something about his Brute cologne...Roman...I would assume, and takes Xena's hands, as they side-step a slow tango back down the hallway they were just walking through. "Why do you prefer Aphrodite to me?" she asks as they move, and curious thing is, it sounds like she really wants to know. "It's not that I prefer her, My Sweet," he answers, "It's just that I need one final thing from her." "What's that?" Xena asks. They stop the dance and he pulls her to him. "A final kiss goodbye," he answers, and then he leaves the hall.

Aphrodite is lounging on the side of the tub, but Gabrielle pulls her to a sitting position. "Why are you doing this to me?" Aphrodite asks, annoyed. Hey, Gabs started a sentence to her without using her name! "I want my friend back." Aphrodite is a little cranky, telling Gabs she could turn her into a mosquito if she wanted. Gabs calmly replies that she could have done that hours ago but wouldn't do it because she wouldn't want to hurt her. Aphrodite's next question is sincere. "Well, if we're such good friends, then how come I don't recognize you?" Gabrielle sounds pretty forceful with her response, "Because you're giving up your identity to some maniac whom you claim to love!" Then guess who materializes but an archangel who's really starting to bug me. I've had a certain amount of respect for Michael...until this episode...he's causing way too many problems. He raises a sword, and is going to lop off someone's head...not sure if it's Aphrodite's or Gabrielle's, but we hear Xena call "Michael!" from off screen, and she appears out of nowhere, to give him a vicious kick. "You tried to get Caligula to kill Eve to force my hand...now you go after my girlfriends..." Girlfriends? Ookkaayy...Gabrielle pulls Aphrodite to safety as Xena finishes growling , "That's not gonna happen!...Bring it on!!"

Michael is cooperative and starts swinging his sword at her. She's still dressed in her...less than leather look...and he's wearing his complete armour, so as she proceeds to whip his butt, there are some cool clanging noises from her feet, knees, and hands hitting him. Gabrielle watches the action, offering quiet little cheers for Xena. The stunt double for Michael is horrendous...the hair isn't even close, but the fight is still pretty awesome. Eventually Xena gets the upper hand and sends Michael flying into the tub. She warcries her way across the pool, and puts the pinch on him, then casually lays down on her stomach, feet in the air, upper body supported by her elbows. I thought she was going to start telling ghost stories, but she says, "Okay, Michael, You know the drill...you've got thirty seconds." Michael just gasps and shakes his tail feathers a little...Gabrielle moves in closer, and starts to look very uncomfortable with the situation. I have to admit, I wasn't feeling too good about it myself. I know Xena is fearless, but to kill an angel? When Michael won't respond, Xena puts her hand on his head and slowly pushes him underwater, causing Gabrielle to shout, "Xena, stop it!" Xena releases him and raises herself on her knees and one elbow and props one hand under her cheek, smiling "Ten, nine, eight..." Michael finally gives...even though, he's a little rambling..."I was trying to kill Aphrodite, not Gabrielle, because Caligula is threatening to become Eli's major foe, and we can't allow the madman to become a full god, which will surely happen if he kisses Aphrodite one more time, and the only way I can do that is by killing Aphrodite." During that statement, which I assure you took longer than eight seconds to deliver, Xena looks to Gabrielle who shakes her head, then covers her face with her hands...hey, she's got gold gloves on! Aphrodite just looks mighty confused, almost non-responsive.

"I've got one more question for ya," Xena answers. Gabs had turned to look at Aphrodite, but her attention averts to the still angry Xena. Xena continues, hissing "What happens to angels when they die?" She pushes Michael underwater again, and Gabrielle cries out, again, "Xena, stop it!" Xena ignores her. I had a feeling what was coming, and I was right. Xena suddenly bolts upright, her arms thrown back as a beam from the heaven shoots down over her. She cries out, obviously in pain. This isn't the same type of beam that gave her the power to kill gods. Gabrielle has to shield her eyes, but all Xena can do is gasp and writhe in pain in the light, while Michael laughs like some demented pirate, hands on his hips. He is suddenly swept up to heaven, and the beam releases Xena and disappears. My goodness, you can count her ribs! She's got her stomach all tensed up and is incredibly slender! Gabs really should have let her finish her food in The Rheingold! Gabrielle goes to help her and Xena raises her head, "It's gone...they took it away from me." "What, what is it?" Gabrielle asks. I think you and I both know what Xena lost, but she has to spell it out for the concerned bard. "The power to kill gods, Gabrielle...it's gone!" Aphrodite falls into a dead faint, as Gabrielle pulls Xena into a hug. Into the room marches Caligula, who saunters over to the love goddess, and intones, "I've been looking for you, Aphrodite," and kisses her. What a bizarre kiss...Ares described him as sucking her powers away, and that's what his mouth appears to do, until he finally pulls back revealing an arcing flame between Aphrodite's mouth and his.

Xena's seen all this and is in a wee bit of a snit. "No!" she yells, and kicks Caligula out of the way, but I think it's too late. "Your passion for me overrides your good sense," he tells Xena, "but I like that in a woman." Xena just watches him...she's breathing heavily and I swear I see a little steam coming out of her ears! Caligula ain't finished..."I will forgive your jealous outburst...because!" he somersalts across the room and does a Jim Carrey Wannabe happy dance, "Whoo! Oh yeah, I feel good! Watch me!" And he disappears with the same sound effects Aphrodite normally has. After he vanishes, Xena and Gabrielle turn in unison and move to Aphrodite. "Gabrielle, I know we are like close, but is this appropriate?" she asks, as Gabs cups her head with her hands. Finally, she SOUNDS like the Aphrodite I know and love! Xena grins as Gabrielle asks, "Is that really you?" Aphrodite delivers her trademark laugh, as they help her stand, and says "Okay, Gabs, (hey, that's what I call her!) has anyone ever told you that you can be like a total ditz?" Gabs puts a hand out like, "what did I do to deserve this?" then grins fondly and forgets the insult. Hee hee! Xena wants to make sure, "Aphrodite, what do you think of Caligula?" "Ummm...nothing...Caligula, ewww!" Xena realizes the bond has been broken, but all Aphrodite wants to do is get them out of there. She tries to do the warp thing, but absolutely nothing happens. Xena has to break the bad news. "You can't, Aphrodite. Caligula is truly a god now."

Xena has made her way back to the prison and says in her best Warrior Princess command voice to the guard, "Open the door...leave us!" She hasn't even bothered to put her robe back on, but apparently, it didn't take long for the news of her rise to power to spread. Ares is back in his cell, and he has company...Eve. Hmmm...Ares hasn't bothered to put his shirt back on. Eve gives Xena a disgusted look then turns her head. "Eve" Xena whispers, but when Ares asks what's happened, she turns to him. "Aphrodite's got her mind back. but she's lost her immortality." Ares nods as if he's expecting it. "So he's a full god now," he says. Xena, master of understatement continues, "It gets worse...Eli has stripped me of my power to kill gods." Eve puts her head up to the bars, looking very sad as Xena adds, "I have no way of halting Caligula's madness." Ares soaks this in, then walks to the other side of the cell.

Xena turns to her daughter. "Eve, I'm sorry..." She tries to put a hand to Eve's face, but it's slapped away. "It wasn't the punch that hurt...you trampled right over the decision I had made." "I had to, Eve," Xena says, but Eve shakes her head. "No, you forget, Mother...it's my life...it's my death...it's my choice." Eve turns her back to Xena again. You know, I can't help thinking what Xena just did due to her anger at the thought of Michael trying to kill Eve...and as usual, I feel sorry for her. Xena gets tough though..."No, you forget...I am your mother...and I will die before I let him touch a hair on your head!" It occurs to me that Xena and Eve are very similar in regards to their stubborness. Eve turns back to Xena a little softer now. "You can't protect me from all the cruelty in the world forever, Mother." Xena's done a pretty good job thusfar, but she takes a step in, the sparks flying again..."Funny you should say that..." she whispers, closing in on her.

Xena, back in full robes and armour, mask firmly in place, rides a black horse into the square, half-dragging behind her a struggling Eve. This brings new meaning to the term "tough love"! Eve is tied to a post, as Xena watches on emotionless. Caligula walks in, eyeing Xena, as usual, and then going up close to Eve to sneer at her. Gabrielle is hovering in the background, watching the proceedings. Cali turns to his people, and I'm sorry, but the crowd scene looks really fake, "Citizens of Rome! You are here to witness a chariot race, celebrating the allegience between your god-emperor and his new queen, the goddess Sabah!" He holds his hand out, and Xena takes a step up to survey the cheering crowd. Some of those hairdos from the crowd are laughable. Caligula raises Xena's hand saying, "The victor of the race gets the right to kill...Eve of the Elijans...formerly Livia, the whore of Rome." Eve winces convincingly at that point, but Xena doesn't even bat an eyelash. She raises Caligula's hand this time, and declares, "Let it begin!!" The crows roars, as hands still joined, Xena and Cali step off the dais and each get on their appropriate chariots. The flag is lowered, and they're off to the races! Cali tries to throw a few fireballs during the first part of the race, but has a lousy aim. "Still getting the hang of that!" The race goes on for a long time...through the city...and out onto an open course for a while. Caligula leads the whole way, with Xena close on his tail. She draws up even with him for a while, and he throws another fireball shouting, "Don't you just love this god stuff?" "Absolutely!" Xena calls back enthusiastically. More racing and then Caligula starts flicking his whip over at Xena. "Methinks (hee hee...I love that word!) my Lord enjoys his sport a little too much!" she tells him. "You got it, Babe!" he smiles back at her. Caligula pulls ahead again, and as they race back into the town, Xena once again overtakes him, and then finally passes him with that great victorious laugh of hers. She's in full command now, and forces Caligula's chariot to half-hit a ramp and unceremoniously crash, sending him flying. Xena watches his face slide into the dirt, then glances up at Eve and Gabrielle. Eve offers a weak smile, and then as Caligula picks himself up, Xena moves back onto the dais.

"Well, that was quite a race," Caligula says approaching the steps, dusting himself. "I guess you're going to be the one who spills the blood." He sounds quite petulant. "Yes, I've been waiting for this opportunity a long time," Xena answers. "Only it won't be her blood that's spilled today." She removes her mask, and gives him the full pissed off warrrior princess face. Apparently, some of the people in the crowd recognize her as a murmur goes up. I guess none of them were at the party earlier, because she wasn't recognized then. Gabrielle points a finger and announces, "That's Xena, the Warrior Princess!" Xena turns and tosses her helmet to Gabs.

"Xena?...Xena!" Caligula is giving the typical Roman emperor response. "I know that name...yes,Xena...Slayer of...gods!" Who said he wasn't quck to catch on? Xena helps him out, "Also known as Xena, mother of the girl you so charmingly called...Whore of Rome." She draws her sword...I guess she was paying attention earlier afterall! He's squirming already. He approaches hands outspread..."Perhaps we can renegotiate the exact terms of the prize..." he tries. Xena considers it...uh huh...sure, then says, "No." She kicks Cali back into the dirt and a chant arrises from the crowd, "Xena, Xena, Xena, Xena..." Gabs looks at the chanters, a pleased expression on her face. Xena approaches Cali, telling him the only thing she'll negotiate is what happens to him. He tries to raise a fireball, but she kicks it out of his hand. "Caligula, I've been killing gods for years (she has? shouldn't that be "months"?), and you can hardly throw a fireball straight, so you gotta ask yourself... (Say it with me now...)...Do you feel lucky?" Oh, I so much wanted her to add "punk" but she didn't!!! Cali scrambles to her knees as the Xena chants get louder. He starts in on the crowd, reminding them he is their emperor and their god. "How dare you not give me the respect that I deserve! You are nothing. I allow you to worship me!" How come everytime a character on Xena starts a speech with "how dare you" something bad happens. In this case it's in the form of a little girl who throws a tomato into Cali's face, to the crowd's amusement.

Cali simpers back to Xena, who puts a head under her chin. "Oh, Caligula, I'm going to spare you the humiliation of dying on your knees." He slowly rises, pleading with her. "Listen to me," she continues, "Still you're going to have what you've always wanted...Your place amongst the Pantheon of the Roman gods. The way to start your new cult of blood...and with the ultimate act of bloodshed...the spilling of your own blood." He starts to whimper about the people thinkiog he's weak. Gabrielle starts to untie Eve, as Xena continues bluffing, "Don't listen to them...then prove to them you're not by killing yourself. If I kill you, then you're just another dead god. but if you were to kill yourself..." she hands him a dagger. I do believe with that convincing expression of hers, I would have been convinced to do it myself at this point. Not really, but he's buying everything she's selling. He knows his name will live forever if he takes his own life. " She continues to encourage him, even smiling at him, and he stabs himself, then turns to the crowd, blood pouring from his mouth, and collapses. Xena looks down at him. "The only person in Rome who could kill Caligula...was Caligula" she says and walks away, Gabs and Eve at her heels.

Xena is staring into a burning flame, and Gabs approaches. They are both in their regular garb. Gabbers puts a hand to Xena's arm..."How are you feeling?" "Dirty...how should I feel?" Xena replies. "Xena, there was nothing you could do. He was evil," Gabrielle tells her. "No.." Xena answers, looking at her. "He was damaged. He wasn't evil." I suppose she's right to an extent...he seemed more like an delusional child than a conniving murderer, at least what I saw of him, but he was extremely dangerous.

"It's not there," comes a voice off-screen, and the camera pans to find a laid back Ares with Eve and Aphrodite sitting on either side. Aphrodite finally LOOKS like the Aphrodite I know...complete with pink nightie! She's still trying to warp, and is bemoaning her fate, repeating over and over again, "It's not fair." Ares doesn't even bat an eye, saying, "Welcome to my nightmare, Sis." She looks at Gabrielle, asking her if she really meant it when she called her a friend. Gabs gives her a wam, genuine smile..."Absolutely". "How cloyingly sentimental," Aphrodite responds, then breaks into a sincere grin of her own, "and very much appreciated." Xena's expression has softened. "All right, everyone," she says. "Let's get out of here." Eve stands first, and looks extremely pretty as she moves to put her arm around Xena. Gabs walks beside them, as the two former gods follow. Eve wants to know if Xena is sorry she lost her power to kill gods, but Xena tells her it just "makes life spicier." "Besides, I've still got my two greatest gifts, " Xena puts her other arm around Gabrielle, "and I have no intention of losing either of them." During that very sweet moment, Aphrodite and Ares exchange a couple of friendly pokes, then walk out behind the threesome, arms around each other.

The disclaimer? "Gabrielle's undercover disguise was extensively harmed during the making of this motion picture." I stil don't know what that means!

So that's it...the whole episode as I've seen it. A rather bizarre one on the whole, the first half had elements of Heart of Darkness but the second half got serious very, very fast. I can't help but wonder how long it will take the news that Xena can no longer kill gods to get out. And I still can't figure out why she seemed to regret tricking Caligula into his untimely death...especially after the carnage at the beginning of the episode. I saw little hope for redemption for him! But Eve came off looking very strong during this episode, and I liked what I saw of the relationship between her and Xena.

And here's how Gary viewed this one...

Well,this episode was truly confusing...lots of unanswered questions.

First,how did Caligula become a god in the first place?If it was because Aphrodite was in Rome and he happened to find that kissing her would bleed her powers into him,it is a real stretch.Ares,who had a small part this week(sems that farming wasn't his thing) says that without the god of war ,the goddess of love becomes unbalanced.If kissing a god bleeds powers,how come it didn't happen to Ares with all his girlfriends,and even Discord(God rest her soul) and her various boyfriends?

Michael,the Arrogant Angel is back,this time with the desire to kill Aphrodite...also Xena in a fight scene.He says Eve answers to a higher power than himself....Eli.What about Mike's god? Xena says she can kill gods and angels...we knew that.

Enter Eve....she tells Cal she is the Bitch FOR Rome. Enter Xena...talk about lax security....how can she just ride into town in a chariot,killing guards,and nobody tries to kill her after? Cal is intrigued by her...probably because he is insane. Again,Xena has yet another interesting costume....complete with a gold mask.

Ares stops Xena from killing Cal by tackling her,saying that Aph's life is bound to Cal's....does not explain why. How does Gab know where Eli's followers are hiding in the caves when the Messenger of Eli,Eve,does not?

Cal wants Eve dead,as we see,but the usual inept guards allow Eve to escape with Gab's help.Gab's disguise of a pillbox hat sure fooled everyone,huh?

Then Gab says she represents Sabah,the charioteer and wants to challenge cal to a race.This stops him from killing Xena.His attention span is really short....Xena had just tried to kill him.Even tho he can't be killed by a mortal,he must have figured she was dangerous,but,he just allows it to pass.

The "orgy" scene is like the Lucifer ep. earlier in the season...lots of nearly-naked folks,and Gab doing a karate-like "dance" with a couple of citrolella candels.The buff attendents know how to hold up some platforms so Gab can get up and dance....without any knowledge of this in advance.

Aph. calls Gab a "butt-kissing parasite" and tries to kiss her...Gab protests.I wonder...her eyes were a little closed to receive a kiss.

How many times have we seen Ares lose his godhood and Aph. never became unbalanced? We never had a hint of this.

Xena arrives in her Maxim magazine underwear....she looked good for having two kids in real-life.Flat tummy and you can see her ribs.

Cal wants her to kill Ares....why? Ares is the one who saved him from Xena....no good deed goes unpunished,as Ares would say.

Now the girls do another Floor show with Ares as the sex object....he says he always imagined this.It is a distraction so Xena can bite Cal's lip,showing that he can be hurt or killed. Xena asks "do you want a piece of this?"...not suggestive at all,huh?

Gee,if Xena wanted him dead,why not put the pinch on him THEN,when she was so close?We know the people would have believed her a god and would have let them go....as at the end of this ep.

Xena is Sabah,the Celtic goddess of sex...she could have killed Cal when she put the chain around his neck. Instead,she convinces him that Aph. is weak and two healthy gods would be better. Mike appears again to Eve...she says she is ready....for what? She appears before Cal and wants him to behave...he sneers at that. Cal tells Xena of a demon with wings...our own Mike.Xena agrees that killing Eve is a good idea. Cal says he needs a final kiss from Aph.....he seems to know that doing this will make him a god. We still do not know how Cal and Aph. happened to get together...some idea from the producers would have helped.

Mike tries to kill Aph...Xena is ticked off telling him not to "go after my girlfriends"...well....I guess....

Big fight scene...lots of twists and jumps by Xena as Mike tries to stab her. She knocks him into the pool,puts the pinch on him,makes him talk,and then really tries to kill him.Meanwhile,Gab says 'no' over and over.Yawn.

Then we see the flame from above,as when Xena got the power to kill gods.This time,she loses it,Mike is okay,and is laughing.He goes upward with the flame.Xena says "Eli" has stripped her of the power.Boy,this Eli guy is as powerful as God himself,more powerful than the Greek gods,too.

Cal. then is seen dragging two dead guys behind the chariot.This is before the pseudo Ben-Hur chariot race... the winner gets to kill Eve.As the race goes on,they leave Rome...imagine having all those guards and allowing their Emperor out of their sight.

We have seen Xena in a chase scene with chariots in Chariots of War,and in Return of Callisto.

Xena wins...natch!Then Gab tells everybody,"That's Xena".Cal gets nervous.She can kill gods....horrors...he already knows she can kill him since she drew his blood already.What does it matter that it is Xena instead of Sabah?

She knocks him down and does a Dirty Harry impersonation..."Do you feel lucky?".Says she has been killing gods for years.To save him the embarrassment of being killed on his knees by her(after a girl hits him with a tomato),she convinces him to kill himself and take his place in the pantheon of Roman gods.He says okay"....duh,yeah....

When have we ever seen a god or goddess commit suicide? It didn't make sense.I guess because he was so nuts,he agreed.

At the end,Gab asks "how do you feel?".Xena says "Dirty" and that he was not evil,but "damaged".What about the warlords that she killed for years...were they damaged,too?

Ares had another small line telling Aph. to essentially "join the club" of lost powers. They all leave,and Xena says she has no intention of losing her greatest gifts (Gab and Eve).

This ep. just did not gel for me.What happened to Mike,and again,how do the girls get to come and go as they please in a secure area like Rome?

This was a let-down...this angel thing and Eve is wearing thin.We now hear about The Elijans....first time....we always hear about the Followers of Eli.The "religion thing" is getting in the way of the story.

I give the ep. a letter grade "C".Too many lavish costumes and a story line that leaves too many unanswered questions.

Any comments?

The God You Know Part 1
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