Old Ares Had A Farm
Well, the first comedy of the season is history (at least for me), and I must say, this one
was actually tamer than I thought it would be. Ever since I had seen the previews, I have had
visions dancing in my head of farmer's daughters, traveling salesmen, and unhealthy
relationships with farm animals...I know, I know...I'm a twisted soul! Funny thing is, ALL of
these elements were in this episode, but I still can't help but generalize it as a sentimental,
light-hearted episode.
That ought to pique someone's interest so here goes...!
.
The episode begins innocently enough with a wide shot of a beautiful lush valley, then an
interior shot of a darkened tavern, where the customers sound a little rowdy. Xena and
Gabrielle come down the stairs...they've been staying in inns an awful lot this season, it seems
to me. Gabrielle's hair is short again, and if I'm not mistaken, Xena's is a little shorter too.
Maybe the girls are just coming from a makeover session upstairs. I've already got strains of
"Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee" in my head to muddle in with "Old Ares Had a Farm, EIEIO"..
You know, I was eight years old before I realized that EIEIO didn't spell farm!
.
But I digress, and rather early for me...Gabrielle tells Xena she's losing her appetite, but Xena
assures her, "Sometimes these places have great food." They belly up to the bar, but some
raucous laughter behind them causes Xena to turn. She pats Gabs shoulder with "Won't be a
sec," and heads off to the rabble rousers. She asks the noisiest one if he rode with Ahab the
Lame...what a moniker! The hairy guy answers, "Yeah, but I moved on to better things" to
which the men laugh heartily again. "You look like the self-improvement type," Xena surmises.
She looks at a couple of others, identifying them with as riding with Atilla and Turkston.
"What is this?" she asks, "A scumbag convention?" Gabrielle is watching all this, and looks
around nervously, setting down her mug. I could almost hear a voice in the background
drawling, "there's going to be a gunfight, boys!"
.
The Ahab supporter says he doesn't haven't to take this from Xena, but she assures him he
does, before she puts the pinch on him. What follows isn't exactly a gunfight, but is some
pretty nifty hand-to-hand combat as Xena and Gabrielle take on the unruly group of men.
What is it about the wig of Renee's stuntdouble that makes it so obvious it's a stuntdouble? It
always distracts me! The guy that Xena has put the pinch on has been suffering during the
whole fight sequence which took longer than thirty seconds, but the instant all the other bad
guys have been urged to nap, Xena turns to him. "You've got seconds to live, so spit it out!"
He tells her that the warlords of Greece, Macedonia, and Thrace have put a price on
someone's head and have united with Gascar the Terrible. They're going to split the bounty.
Xena releases from the pinch. Has anyone else ever noticed that sometimes it takes one move
to remove the pinch, sometimes it's two, and sometimes it's three? Maybe it has to do with
how long they've been under the effect. This guy took three moves. Xena wants to know
whose head has a price on it. The man tells her, "The god of war, Ares. He's mortal. And now
the warlords that he crossed when he was a god are having their revenge." This doesn't seem
to bode well with the Warrior Princess.
.
Cut to the aforementioned former god who is walking innocently down a path, stretching the
kinks out of his back. A pipsqueak dressed in armor approaches him with his sword drawn,
"Ares, prepare to die!" Ares doesn't seem too worried, and is languidly drawing his sword as
he is flanked on either sides with an arm-crossed Xena and a confident-looking Gabrielle. Ares
looks at the pair with a bit of surprise...can't blame him. "Who are you?" Squeaky asks. Xena
smiles slightly and says, "Who are you?" "They call me Battling Siki", Squeaky...errr...Siki
replies. Xena sure likes to deflate guy's egos! "Nobody ever called you that," she replies. "You
just made that up. If you don't want to be called Dead Siki, you'd be movin' on." He's not as
stupid as he looks, but before running off, he tells Ares that the gold will be his.
.
Ares turns to Xena, I don't know if he even realizes Gabrielle is there. He tells her that's been
happening a lot lately. He doesn't sound too concerned about it. He asks Xena what brings her
there..." Animal magnetism?" "I'm here to save your butt," Xena replies. She tells him that
word is out that he's mortal and there's a price on his head. Gabrielle then tells him just a few
of the foes out to get him....I love these names. " Gascar the Terrible, Lombar, the Hal
Brothers (hi, this is my brother Hal and my other brother Hal), Mosher" Xena supplies "Atilla"
and Gabrielle finishes with "The Beast of Turkeston". I just pictured the newest additions to
the WWF! Ares likes this news, "It will be great fighting by your side; we'll take no prisoners."
Unfortunately for him, Xena has other plans. She tells him they're not there for a blood bath;
they have a different proposal. She tells him he will live the rest of his mortal life a hunted
man, unless he assumes a new identity. Ares is certainly in a good mood today. He kind of
likes the idea of reinventing himself. Maybe he'll become a king, or a priest "if the cult is sexy
enough." Xena and Gabrielle just exchange the "okay, we'll let him dream for a second"
glances, before Xena speaks again. She tells him it has to be something no one would ever
suspect of him. "Like what?" he asks. Xena leans in close, and get ready for the first really big
laugh of the episode. "How are you at shoveling BEEP?" she asks, although if you listen
carefully, you can hear the "sh" and the "t". Just supply the missing sound (hey, hooked on
phonics worked for me) and you can picture Ares expression and Xena and Gabrielle's happy
grins as the scene fades to opening credits. Xena's eyebrows look darker than normal, and
Gabrielle's hair looks thicker than usual. Just thought I'd mention that.
.
The next scene has the trio walking down the same path. Gabrielle wants to know what's
wrong with Ares becoming a farmer. He tells her it's okay for a rube, but not the god of war,
to which Xena corrects with "former god of war". Ares turns to her, "Xena, let's you and I go
crazy on Gascar and his boys; I'm talking about slaughter and mayhem." Xena won't have it,
asking if he really wants to be hunted by every warlord who wants to make a fortune. Ares
agrees it's getting to be a chore. "If we set you up as a farmer," Gabrielle tells him, "you could
come and go as you please." Ares gives her the over-exaggerated "Really!" Gabrielle isn't
discouraged..."No one would suspect the god of war would be living on a country farm." She
wraps an arm around Ares as Xena slips an arm over his shoulder as they continue down the
path. Xena tells him that Gabs and she will stay with him, just until he gets used to things.
Somehow, Ares is warming up to the idea. Xena pats his shoulder before he walks ahead,
musing, "Yeah, plantations, some slaves, half a dozen flute playing girls..." Xena and Gabs
exchange a look. "Just what I was thinkin'" Xena mutters, before they follow him.
.
Next scene has Xena astride Argo II, followed by Gabrielle driving a wagon, with Ares sitting
next to her. Xena is grinning, big-time, as she looks at an old dilapitated farmhouse. "There it
is, just as I remember it...the Elysian Fields on earth." Gabrielle has a slightly less enthusiastic
smile, but Ares could catch flies with that open-jawed stare of his. "Well, this is it," she tells
them, as Gabrielle and Ares join her to surmise the cabin closer up. "What, the outhouse?"
Ares quips. Seems his normally cynical mood has returned!
.
This is the house that Xena's grandparents lived in! Okay, okay, nevermind the fact that Xena
never before mentioned she knew her grandparents, she obviously remembers this homestead
with great affection. She shows Gabrielle the pole that she carved her initial into, and sure
enough the X is still there. Then there's the chair her grandmother used to rock in, and tell her
stories about the Olympian gods. Ares is doing his best to remove her sentimental mood,
saying, "Bet you never guessed you'd grow up to kill most of them, did ya?" Xena won't let
him ruin her pleasant thoughts. "But wait, the best is yet to come," she says, pointedly ignoring
him. "Come on!" Gabs grins, then gives a little giggle...she now seems as excited about this as
Xena does. "Xena, it's charming" she says, as they enter the shack. I've got to give Gabrielle
credit...she has much more vision than I do! I like Ares summation better,"I don't want to spoil
your waltz down memory lane, but Ares ain't living here. Now you can tell us all about your
pastural childhood on the way back to civilization." Xena is musing over the way it even smells
the way she remembers it and tells Ares it's a little rundown, "but we can fix it." Ares isn't
convinced. "Even when I was a god, I couldn't have fixed this place" he tells her. Hee hee!
"It's nothing that a little hard work can't put right," Gabrielle tells him, as she sets a table
upright. The table promptly collapses. "See, now you're scaring me," Ares tells her. Xena
walks past them, into the next room, asking if he's scared more by the house than a band of
cutthroats out for him. The door she pulls open promptly falls off its hinges. Xena's all excited
again. Her eyes are glowing as she sticks her head back in the main room, "Gabrielle, come
check out the stove." Gabrielle follows her to which Ares just moves his eyes in one of those
"I can't believe I'm here" looks.
.
Next is Siki The Nearly Dead bragging in the tavern about finding Ares and cutting his throat.
He's got a couple of local girls eating up his every word. One of them asks what Ares looked
like and Siki gives a decent description, "You know, he wasn't as mean looking as everyone
says. Kind of a dark, handsome guy, dressed all in black, with a beard, and he had this great
vest-" He's cut off by a hand that jerks him out of his seat and slams him into the bar. A really
ugly, scarred blonde guy has grabbed him, and tells Siki he didn't kill anyone, but his
description of Ares is pretty good. He wants to know where Siki saw him. Siki tells him he saw
Ares outside of Iparaus and followed "them" as far as the Lachawan Valley. I know the names
of these places aren't spelled right, so I'll just go phonetically. The sweaty blonde wants to
know who "them" is. Does Ares have an army? "No, a couple of woman." Siki doesn't say
"women"...he says "woman." Guess it's that Kiwi accent of his that keeps slipping! Blonde guy
releases him with a laugh. "Ares always did have a weakness for the ladies. Probably looking
for a place to shack up with them. Pass the word." Xena and Gabrielle better not hear him talk
about them that way!
.
It seems springtime has come to Ares farm! Suddenly there are shots of silky corn stalks
growing and fields of wildflowers swaying in the breeze! A bee is pollenating some marigolds. I
know, I know...where did all this stuff come from and why are they all in bloom at the same
time, but this is time travel in the Xenaverse! The music takes on a lackadaisacal fiddle tone,
as the camera pans in on a shirtless and very buff former god of war reclining against a post on
the front porch, with a wineskin between his outstretched legs. He's parched it seems, as he
wipes his brow with a dirty looking towel.
.
Gabrielle is coming down the stairs with a basket under one arm, while Xena is doing some
hammering. Xena yells at Ares, "Hurry up with those rags!" Ares isn't too interested in work,
and looking around, shoves the towel he's been using under a floorboard of the porch. He calls
back he can't seem to find them anywhere. "Well, that doesn't make sense," Xena replies,
removing her apron as she walks outdoors, "then come on, we'll do something else." Ares
starts whining..."Awww.....I was doing a...thing" he says. Gabrielle wanders outdoors. "Has
anyone seen that saw I left out here?" The three make a very striking picture out there on that
run down porch. Ares is in his black leather pants, still reclining against the porch...Xena is in
what looks very much like her shift of first season, with a few alterations. She's even
accessorized with a necklace and bracelet and a couple flowers in her hair. And Gabrielle is
dressed all in blue, her midriff showing (of course), and a checkered scarf on her head. Ares
tells Gabrielle not to look at him, "I try to touch tools of common laborers as little as possible."
He starts to take a drink but Xena gives him a "Well, that's going to change", tugging his ear to
make him stand upright, and then whisks him in the house by snapping her apron at him. He
protests the whole way, "Hey, that'll leave a mark, Not the butt!" to which Xena grins and taunts, "Don't
turn around!" Gabrielle is still muttering about her lost saw, while Xena climbs a couple of
rungs of a ladder her backside to Ares. His eyes immediately focus on a specific part of her
anatomy, and after a couple seconds, the camera focuses on the same view. Xena is telling
Ares to climb up on the ladder and nail some boards to the ceiling. Ares is still staring. "After
you," he drawls. Xena knows what he's doing. She turns to him, with an exasperated,
"Ares...come on."
.
Poor Ares is tuckered out. He lays his head on his crossed arms on the mantle. Not wanting to
use a hammer, I guess, he asks Xena what she wanted him to do with the rags. Xena tells him
in her cranky voice, she wanted him to stuff them in the holes in the outside walls. "I'd rather
do that," he tells her and heads back outside. Xena is tired of playing, and follows him,
wanting to know what he's doing. Ares admits he hid the rags under the plank, because he
thought she was going to make him use them to mop the floor or some other demeaning job.
Gabrielle is back outside again, and now she's missing a boot. Doh! Ares says the rags are
gone, and now so is his wineskin. Xena moves her eyes back and forth..."Something is out
there" she rasps.
.
That something, at least for the moment, seems to be coming in the form of an attractive lady
who introduces herself as Greba, their neighbor. Ares seems to like her looks immediately.
Greba is a talker. She tells them she just came from Iparus where there is a warlord, Gascar,
heading toward the valley. Gabs thanks her for the warning, but Greba is off in La-La land,
musing, "That Gascar, he's a bad one. You know what they say his favorite sport is? They say
it's to take a young, beautiful, helpless maiden, and to spoil her chastity, again and again and
again and AGAIN!" Excuse me, but can't that only happen once? Ares liks this idea almost as
much as Greba seems to. "Oh, the beast" he smiles, which earns him a whack from Xena.
"Thanks, Greba," Xena tells her pointedly, but Greba is rattling on about being a poor
defenseless woman in a house all by herself , just over there! Ares is slowly walking toward
her, his eyes all a-twinkle, and when she gets to her being a "young widow, on her own" his
pecs tighten up with...uh...a zipping sound. My my, he HAS been working out! Xena and
Gabs know what game's afoot, and when Greba finally pauses for air, say in unison, and
rather sarcastically, "Thank you, Greba!" Ares is telling Greba's to drop by when the news is
better, and behind him, Xena puts a finger on Gabrielle's arm with a look. For a minute, I
thought she was going into the "pinch, buy me a coke routine" for their saying the same thing
at the same time, but I don't know what was up with it. Ares tells Greba she can drop by so
they can "swap tips on root vegetables" to which Xena rolls her eyes. Greba finally leaves and
Xena tells Gabs and Ares to find the thief while she looks after Gascar. Ares doesn't like that.
"Oh ho...uh huh...so you still get to be warrior!" Xena has gone into the house, and you hear a
brief rustling, a couple of zipper sounds, and Xena steps back outside in full warrior garb.
Xena truly did learn from Cyane! Nice camera work on this! It sure looks like Lucy walking
both in and out of the house, in a full five second costume change, but there is no camera
jump to establish it was a trick. "Uh huh," she tells Ares, "but I would much rather stay and
work on the house." "You know the sad thing?" Ares says, as she saunters off, Warrior
Princess sneer fully in place, "I believe you!!"...then after a beat, "Where's my belt?" Xena
looks back before riding off, "Definitely take care of that one!" she quips.
.
Xena obviously finds Gascar's camp easy enough. She doesn't even bother to barge in...in fact
she's announced to Gascar, who is the same blonde guy who interrogated Siki in the tavern.
She tells Gascar she's going to bring him a gift. The gift? Ares' head on a platter.
.
Gascar circles her, thinking about what she's said. He's heard of some of the things Ares has
done to Xena, but wants to know why she didn't take him out when she killed the other gods
on Olympus. "The coward ran," Xena replies. "I didn't get the chance." Gascar believes her,
but tells her Ares is mortal, and they don't need her help. He doesn't want to split the bounty
anymore than it's already split. But Xena growls, "I'm not in this for the gold. This is personal.
Besides, what if you're wrong? What if it's all just a rumor and he hasn't lost his immortality at
all? You'd be stalking the god of war." She starts to grin now. "Now I, I have the ability to kill
gods." (Well, at least we know Eve is still alive somewhere!) She picks up a knife that looks
exactly like the one Joxer used when he killed Kryton in The Convert. "Wouldn't that make a
nice insurance policy, huh? Besides, I know where to find him." she sneers, stabbing the knife
into the table in front of Gascar. Gascar is obviously falling for her bluff as she leans back with
a confident smile. I'm sorry, but her eyebrows are A LOT darker!
.
The next scene really surprised me. It's storming outside. Gabrielle is sitting in front of a
fireplace, her legs stretched out in front of her, and a cup of something in her hand. Ares is
sitting across from her. The only light in the room is the flames before them. Gabrielle
starts,"Ares, when you gave up your immortality to save Eve and me, that was...that was quite
a sacrifice. Thank you." Somehow, I get the feeling she had been wanting to say that for quite
some time. Ares replies, "If Eve had died, and Xena would have lost the power to kill gods,
then Athena would have killed Xena. So I was saving Eve, to save Xena." Gabrielle nods
solemnly. "You were an afterthought," he adds, before taking a bite of...something. Gabrielle
gives him that wrinkled nose grin for a few long seconds, then replies, "Thanks anyway," Hee
hee! .
Cue Xena to enter the cabin, soaked and chilled. Gabs asks how it went and she replies, "So
far, so good." She's glad to see they cleared the chimney, and sits down on the hearth, next to
Gabrielle's chair. Gabs tells her, "Ares did the heavy work", to which he responds, "She's
exaggerating. She just doesn't want to admit she couldn't get me to work any better than you
could." "Lot a truth in that," Gabrielle replies gently, nudging him with her foot.
.
Xena is off down memory lane again. She says, "You know my brothers and I used to sit by
the fire here...tell ghost stories. My brothers...I miss them sometimes." Now someone, correct
me if I'm wrong, but is the first time since Death Mask that Xena has acknowledged she has
two brothers? Of course, she always spoke of Lyceus with great affection, but now it seems
she's adding Toris to her fond memories. It's about time! Ares is getting impatient though.
"Xena!" he barks, breaking her out of her daze."The thief is still here." It has stolen his
gauntlet now, and is very, very good. "We didn't see a thing," he adds. "What if there's nothing
to see?" Gabrielle slowly muses. Ares leans in just a tad, "Like a ghost?" he asks and the flash
of lightning emphasizes his words, much to his consternation. "Yeah," Gabs replies. Xena
chuckles, but Ares isn't amused. "You mortals (shouldn't that be "we mortals"?) go to the most
incredible places just to rationalize unexplained phenomena." Xena doesn't seem to care about
any of this. "You know what's wonderful?" she asks. "What?" Gabrielle snaps, irritated, not at
her but at Ares. "It's wonderful that we're sitting here in front of this cozy fire." Funny thing is,
I was thinking the exact same thing! Unfortunately, this is a cue for water to start dropping
from the ceiling. Gabrielle has slipped into Xena's mode of thinking now, saying how peaceful
farm life is. Ares ain't buying. "Are you two insane? The life is incredibly dull, it's horribly
uncomfortable, and it's...hard." Xena waves a hand at him, "Oh, you'll change your tune when
you get a few-" she cuts off as she notices likes are springing EVERYWHERE, then finishes,
"...calluses on your hands."
.
Mr. Grouchy isn't too happy when water starts streaming over him. "Let me guess...this is
your favorite part?" he growls at Xena. He continues to eat as the water pours over him, and
Xena gets up saying they should split up and find a dry room in the house. Split up? This
house is even bigger than I thought! Gabrielle calls out that the kitchen's worse, but Xena has
found a dry room. It's her old room..."Grandpa must have fortified the roof." She opens a
window, I know, I know, it's raining, but it's dark in there! Then she begins to uncover the
bed. "That's a big bed," Ares surmises. "The three of us can sleep in there." He suddenly
seems happy again...wonder why? Gabbers isn't so convinced. "The three of us in one bed?"
she echoes. "Sure!" Ares replies. Xena pauses and says, "Well, I suppose...we are all grown
ups" with a very deliberate look at Ares. Only it sounds like she says "growin ups" Ares nods
confidently. "We certainly are," he answers trying hard to stifle his grin.
.
What follows is one of the funniest scenes I've seen on XWP in a long time. It's just the whole
idea of it all. For some reason, there's sunlight shining through the window, but I think it's
supposed to be the middle of the night. Xena and Gabbers have stripped down to the bare
essentials, (lavendar bra for the Warrior Princess, blue and white for the Bard), and are
stretched out on either side of Ares, who is shirtless again. There isn't much to speak of as far
as covers go, but Ares doesn't seem to uncomfortable with all those naked thighs around him.
All he has for warmth is a gray rag, which won't even cover his chest, and he's squirming
around. Xena scratches an itch, and rolls over in her sleep, but when her head nuzzles against
Ares, she opens her eyes. She stares a couple of seconds, then whispers, "I think a change of
positions is in order." She rolls over on her other side, and methinks she'd better be careful or
she's going to catch a cold if she keeps those cheeks exposed and I'm not talking about the
ones on her face Ares dutifully rolls over behind her and spoons up against her. Xena looks at
him over her shoulder. "I mean we should both change positions," she growls. "All right," he
whispers back and then turns again so he's flat on her back. Now it's time for Gabrielle to
change positions, and boy does she! She rolls and one hand ends up on Ares' forehead and her
other hand ends up...uh...not on his forehead. Let's just say it's on the sword he always carries
to bed! Xena knows something amiss because she hears Ares breath suddenly gets very heavy,
and with her vaccination mark sparkling (I just had to point that out!) as she slowly turns,
spots the trouble instantly. She gingerly reaches over, and removes Gabrielle's hand, putting it
out of harm's way. Her face holds the expression of pulling Gabrielle's hand out of something
really disgusting. "I'm in Tartarus!" Ares declares. Check out Renee as the scene fades out. Her face is hidden, but she is shaking
with laughter. I can't blame her...the scene is hilarious!
.
.
Thank goodness, the sun is out the next day! Ares is the only one asleep but not for long as
Xena shrieks, "Gabrielle! I don't care if it is a ghost! I can kill gods, maybe I can kill ghosts
too!!" Ares grabs his sword (not the same one Gabbers grabbed!) and struggles to his feet
muttering the inevitable "Thank God I'm a country boy." He walks to the balcony (where did
THAT come from? Same place Xena's huge bedroom and the whole second story came from
obviously. Come to think of it...if Xena's room was the ONLY dry room in the house, and it's
on the second story, shouldn't there have been another dry room directly underneath it? I'm
thinking too much!) Xena is still ranting, "Wait a minute...drag marks, Look!" Gabrielle looks
up at Ares before following Xena. "It dragged off her breastplate." Ares considers this, noting
her breastplate was too heavy to be carried off. "Oh, it's an ample breastplate to be sure," and
hops down off the balcony to follow the twosome. His sensitive feet aren't travelling too well
across the difficult terrain of uh...grass.
.
I find it ironic that Xena didn't seem too concerned about the thefts until something of HERS
was stolen, but she quickly follows the trail to find that "something buried our stuff." She oo's
and aa's when she finds her breastplate as if she's found the lost city of Atlantis. Gabrielle digs
for more treasure, and puzzles, "Where are my boots?" even as Ares is distracted by a
growling noise coming from a log. When Xena and Gabs notice, he tells them, "It's a wolf!"
They break into grins and Gabrielle tells him, "It's not a wolf...it's a dog. Don't they have dogs
in Olympus?" "Not one-headed," Ares replies. The dog growls, then bounds out of the log, and
leaps on Ares, licking his face furiously. "Get it off of me!" Xena is still grinning, "Hey, he's
not attacking you; he's just trying to be affectionate," she tells him. "Well, I'm not interested in
that kind of relationship!" Ares snaps back, and pushes the dog off of him. Xena and Gabrielle
disagreee and proceed to pet the cute little guy (the dog, not Ares). I get the feeling it was Ares
wanting to get his belly rubbed instead of the mutt! Note to Gabrielle: You'd better be careful,
or you might just fall out of that dress!
.
Ares tells them to stop or they'll never get rid of the dog. Gabrielle tells him they don't want to
get rid of it. Here comes my absolutely favorite moment of the episode. Xena is standing up,
and Ares asks Gabrielle, "Is there anything you and I agree on?" Gabs answer is a look upward
at Xena, to which Ares responds, "Oh yeah, anything else?" Xena seems oblivious to all this,
but I like it! I like it a lot!
.
Old Ares Had A Farm Part 2
Home