Old Ares Had A Farm Part 2

Xena tells Ares to stay there with his furry little friend and fix the roof. She and Gabrielle are off to town to buy some supplies. Ares watches them leave, muttering, "Could it get any worse?" I think anyone could have figured out the answer to that! Ares dutifully goes to work on the roof, while the pup jumps at the ladder and barks. "Hello again!" a voice calls out, and Ares sees Greba. "The neighbor lady! Hello!" He preens and primps his way down the ladders showing off his manly shirtless physique again, calling the dog a "filthy mongrel" until Greba tells him when she sees dogs, she goes all cuddly. Ares immediately changes his tune, "See the lady? Say hello to the lady! Say hello!" Greba starts in on her pitiful tale...how her husband was killed in battle, and then the funeral wagon ran over her dog. Oh puh-lease! She asks Ares "Isn't war just terrible?" "A crime against humanity," the god of war responds with a straight face. Greba rattles on about how animals are so much better, not going to war and such. "Take this little fellow here," she says bending down to pet the pup. Ares has doggy envy again. "I mean," Greba replies, "when he likes you, he just comes up and starts licking you! Why can't we be more like that?" Ares thinks that's a very,very good question and maybe they could take him for a long walk sometime and discuss it. Time to deflate Ares' confidence. "They won't mind if we borrow their dog," Greba asks..."Your daughters?" "You mean slave girls," he corrects. Greba doesn't think they act like slaves, but he says he spoils them. But his curiosity is aroused and he wants to know what made her think the two were his daughters. .

Suddenly, I don't think Ares liked Greba nearly as much as before. She proceeds to describe him as an "older man", in shape and all, but he's more sophisticated than she's used to, and then there's the gray hair. "Gray hair?" he laughs, non-amusedly, and he becomes even more uncomfortable when she points it out to him. Suddenly, he thinks he's feeling rain again, and he'd better get back to the roof. He climbs the ladder with far less bravado than he came down it. Greba waves goodbye and leaves. Ares turns to the barking dog..."You think that's funny? Yuk it up!" Once back on the roof, he steps down heavily and hears a foreboding creaking sound. "Of course!" he remarks, just before the roof collapses and he falls flat on his back inside the house, amid a pile of rubble. .

Xena walks into the cabin to find Ares still lying there in the main room, still piled in broken wood, with the dog crawling all over him. "What are you doing?" she asks, looking as if she really doesn't want to know. After a few groans of pain, he replies, " Oh, I'm just lying here, smelling my mortality, every muscle in my body aching...I have gray hair! And the dog has its tongue in my mouth." Xena looks sympathetic at first, then laughs a little. She shooes off the dog, and offers a hand to Ares who takes it and lets her pull him to his feet. "With all due respect, Xena, this is the worst idea you've ever had." She brushes the dirt out of his hair while he tells her he's not a very convincing farmer. "Nonsense," she replies happily. "You just need to learn to accessorize...come on!" He straightens up and follows her outside, only to watch Gabbers pull up on a wagon fully loaded with a bunch of chickens and at least one pig. There's even a cow tied to the back end. The dog watches too, and the little guy has two different colored eyes...one blue and one grayish. Freaky! "Let me guess...these are the accessories?" Ares asks the beaming Xena. She just walks off toward Gabs who laughs, "Look what I've found!" .

Back inside the cabin, Xena is humming her theme song while she and Gabs work on straightening up the house. Ares is stretched out watching them, with the pup's head on his thigh. "This dog is incredibly needy," he says. "Why don't you pet it?" Gabrielle asks him. "Then maybe he won't be so needy." Ares gives it a shot, but his petting looks like he's giving five to the dog's head. Xena watches and says, "Ares, I've got a job you might like. Why don't you go kill a chicken for dinner?" "All right!" he shouts joyfully, grabbing his sword. "Now you're talking!" "Only one chicken!" Gabrielle calls out after him with a grin. .

He gives it a valiant try, but why the chaos continues outside, there's a nice conversation going on inside... .

Gabrielle: Think he'll ever get used to it?
Xena: We just have to convince him once, then he can hire him some help, or get his dancing girls for all I care. But once he is set up...you and I are out of here.
G (smiling softly to herself): Mm hmmm.
X (eyeing her): What?
G: Xena, I know you want to help Ares. But you're here to relive your childhood memories.
X: Ya think so?
G: Yeah! (She closes in on Xena, watching her expectantly.)
X (with an ironic grin): Maybe you're right. I was happy here. It was peaceful and...safe. Ever since...my life has been anything but.
G: I'll say! .

They exchange warm smiles. .

"Let's enjoy it while we can", Gabrielle concludes. A loud noise from outside distracts Xena who turns to the window with a "come here" to Gabs. They watch Ares dive and jab in his effort to catch their dinner, and his enthusiastic failings evoke the biggest grins I've ever seen from Xena. He finally lands on his back, and when the pup comes to lick him, he puts a hand up. "Careful," he tells the dog, "I'm beginning to like that". Xena finishes laughing and calls out, "Uh Ares, my plan is working perfectly!" "Your plan to drive me insane?" he asks, hauling himself to his feet. "No, my plan to deal with Gascar," she answers. He wants to know if they're leaving the valley. "Nope...they're coming right toward us", and sure enough, there they are in the background. .

Ares rushes back in the cabin. Xena is in her leathers, and Gabrielle helps her get into her breastplate. Now how is it she was able to change clothes in five seconds earlier in the episode, but now she's dressing at a much more normal pace? I guess it's because she has to talk, telling Ares if he can pull this off, convincing them he's a farmer, then he'll have his cover. Ares looks nervous, telling her that Gascar and Atilla knows what he looks like. Thank the gods Xena covers every angle! "That's the beauty of it," she answers. "I've asked around, they're the only ones who know what you look like and they won't be part of this search party." How convenient!! The leader of the group starts calling for the occupants to show themselves while Xena gives them the "official story". "Ares passed by here a couple of days ago-" "Suck it in!" Gabrielle interrupts as she tightens the straps on Xena's armor, as Xena continues, "and when he left, he was heading for the Horida Pass." Ares is looking more scared by the minute. Xena throws some clothing at him, telling him "You're on!" and walks past him saying, "I'll be waiting out back. It wouldn't do to find the Warrior Princess hanging out on a farm." .

Gabrielle urges Ares, "Go out there," but Ares tells her he needs a moment, and she should go outside and stall. "Stall?" Gabbers repeats, and she removes her scarf, and musses her hair a bit. Then she rips her blouse open, and stands in the doorway as if she's just been in the middle of...something. Ares nods most approvingly! The leader of the men, who had just given the order to torch the place apparently approves too. So do his men. "Sorry, I was uh...busy..." she says with an embarrassed smile. The leader says, "Come down here, Pretty One," and she obeys, sashaying the whole way. He asks for her help in finding Ares, saying "A lot of women like the look of him". Gabs replies in her best Southern drawl, "There are a lot of men who come around here whose looks I like." That gets a response out of most of the men, but it also cues Ares. He calls her some ficticious name I can't decipher, and then tells her, "Get back in the house, Woman!" He's decked out in full farmer's regalia, a wide brimmed leather hat on his head, and a pitchfork in his hand. There's something stuffed in his cheeks too, and at least one tooth is blacked out. He works fast! The leader doesn't like him chasing off Gabs and asks him if he's seen anyone suspicious around here. "Yes, sir, that'd be you," Ares drawls, and it earns him a boot to the face. The leader hits him again and demands an answer. Xena can be seen riding up in the background. The leader says he's sure if Ares had been around, the farmer's "woman" would have been all over him. Ares starts to pick up a board which the leader grabs and is ready to clout him with, but Xena stops him with a hand. "Wait a minute...if he's out cold, how can we question him?" She eyes the leader like he's the dumbest guy in the world. The leader responds this guy is pretty feisty for a farmer...how do they know it isn't Ares himself? Ares giggles nervously, sounding very much like one of the chickens he had been chasing after a few minutes earlier. "Are you kidding?" Xena asks, incredulous. "Ares is a much younger man!" "Huh?" Ares asks, looking up at her. "Oh yeah, you've seen him," comes the response."But the question is, has he seen him?" Xena tells him that's exactly what she's going to find out, and grabs Ares, who's on his feet by now, by the collar, and turns him to face her. .

Now the leader turns into another fan. He wants to see Xena do the pinch. Xena tells him "Yeah, well, it's not exactly a spectator's sport." The guy isn't deterred..."I hear it makes the nose gush blood!" Xena and Ares look to each other uncomfortably. Xena is put on the spot, and they both know it. "Are you going to do it or not?" Xena sighs, and watches Ares who raises his eyebrows in a "go ahead" manner. She puts the pinch on him, and the dog, who's been watching all this growls, and rushes forward and bites Xena on her warrior butt...I kid you not! Xena grabs the affected area as the men around her guffaw and the dog takes off running only to jump on the back of the other horse there, an apaloosa that's been pulling the wagon. Xena leans in to Ares, who is on his knees and her next line made me roar with laughter. "You're going to be dead in thirty seconds, you and your little dog too, if you don't tell me, have you seen Ares, the god of war." Flashbacks to the Wizard of Oz here! Ares is struggling under the pinch, but manages to give the information, about Ares riding on to the Horida Pass. The leader tells Xena he'll let Gascar know right away, and she tells them she's heading for the pass. She deliberately stalls a few seconds, watching Ares' efforts to get her to release the pinch, then does it. It only takes two moves on him. She rides off on Argo II, while Gabrielle comes out of the house, chastising Ares for having such an attitude. Ares removes his chaw, which is at least four pieces of what he had been eating earlier. He laughs at Gabs, "My woman was about to take on an entire army. I think even a farmer would have just a little bit of an attitude about that, don't you." When he said "take on", I don't think he meant "fight". "I was playing with my character," Gabrielle responds. "I just used the first thing that popped into my head." Ares smiles, "I think that says a lot about you," he answers, and Gabrielle looks puzzled as Xena rides back up. "Well done, Ares, you fooled them." The dog barks and Xena barks back at him, "Get down from there!" He's still on the horse's back. She then proceeds to throw the chakram at him which hits the saddle horn and returns to her. Gee, one little bite on the ass, and she suddenly wants the little guy dead? "Hey, hey, hey..." Ares shouts, "do not be throwing things at my dog!" "What do you mean, he bit me!" Xena retorts, and then his words sink in. "Did you just say your dog?" Ares picks up the pup as Xena dismounts, a disbelieving look on her face as Gabrielle just smiles, bemused. "He is the only one who stood up for me just now," Ares tells them. "I think I'll call him...Horace. Come, Horace, let's go kill some chickens." I knew the bonding was coming, and it was sappily sweet...I like it! Gabrielle muses, "That's amazing. Ares has bonded with the dog." "Well that dog worships him," Xena replies, smiling now, "that's a relationship that Ares can understand." .

The next scene is much more relaxed. Gabrielle is hugging and rubbing a calf (where did that come from...the cows have been busy!) while Xena takes milking duty. Gabrielle watches her, as does Ares who is reclining (yet again) against a bale of hay, stroking Horace. Somehow, that sounds more kinky than I intended. .

Gabrielle: I see you use the pull and squeeze method. I prefer the double squeeze.
Xena: Double squeeze takes too long.
G: No, you get more milk that way. It's easier on the cow. (She giggles as .

Xena directs a stream of milk in her direction.) .

Ares (with a chuckle): The Warrior Princess and the Battling Bard discussing the correct technique for milking a cow. Absurd...yet at the same time...ridiculous! .

Funny, but I was thinking the exact same thing! .

Xena points a finger at him, and says, quite seriously, "It's important." .

About that time an off screen voice calls "hello!" and Gabrielle calls back "In here!" Horace takes off at a dead run. A ridiculously overdressed man enters the barn and apologizes for the interuption, but wants to know if anyone has seen his dog. He's a traveling salesman (told you there'd be one), and lost him during a thunderstorm. He tells them they couldn't miss him...he's got two different colored eyes. "One gray and one blue?" Ares asks, and when the salesman responds heartily, "Yes!!", Ares quips, "I've never seen him." Horace barks from wherever he is, and the salesman exclaims, "That's him!" and bounds out of the barn, the other three at his heels. He spots Horace running away, and Ares tells him "That's not a dog, that's a horse. We breed 'em small around here!" "Run, Horace, Run!" Ares squeaks, and Xena gives him a sympathetic pat on the shoulder that says "buck up, little shaver...it'll all be all right." .

Apparently, the salesman catches Horace, because in the next scene he's selling his wares from the wagon, and is approached by Gascar and the leader of the group that accosted Gabs and Ares. Horace is chewing on a guantlet and Gascar questions the salesman about where he found it. He knows it's Ares' gauntlet. After much spluttering, the salesman tells him they found it on a farm. "What farm?" Gascar queries as the scene fades to commercial. .

Ares has noticed his gauntlet is missing. It's not in the pigpen! "Maybe he's buried it in the field," Gabbers suggests. Ares turns to her..."Oh, you are so quick to blame Horace!" "Well, who else would steal it?" Xena wants to know as we hear the voice of Greba approaching, yet again. Ares seems to have renewed self-concept when Xena and Gabrielle are around. She starts in with her gossip (even standing at a fence to do it), telling them that Gascar and his men have turned around and are heading back to the valley, to this very farm. Word has it that Ares is here. "Goodness, aren't people just the funniest things?" Ares just smiles, while Xena says, "Thank you, Greba" in not-the-friendliest manner. Greba starts with more gossip but Xena cuts her off..."Greba...go away." Greba is nonplussed and takes off with a "goodbye" and a smile. .

Back at Gascar's warcamp, Xena is announced again. Gascar tells her he thought she was heading for the Horida Pass, but she tells him she changed plans when his army turned around. She started in on the "official story", but he cut her off, producing the gauntlet, telling her it was found on the same farm she rode up to. As Xena slips the gauntlet over her own, Gascar leans forward, and his eyes are all wonky. Hey, they're like the Horace's...two different colors! Maybe...naaah...I won't even go there! "Why are you trying to hide Ares, Xena?" Xena searches for her answer, as a familiar voice sounds behind her..."I'll tell you why!" It's Gabrielle, and she and Xena are hurling daggers from their eyes at each other. "Gabrielle, what are you doing here?" Uh huh. "Tired of being used by you, Xena." (Ever notice how many times Xena and Gabrielle ever say each other's names?) Xena hisses back, "Gabrielle, this is not the time for one of your little spats!" Interesting choice of words there. It's going to get even more interesting. "Don't listen to her," Xena continues, "She's insane." "I'll tell you who's insane, "Gabrielle fires back, "You! If you think you can walk away from me! You've fallen in love with Ares and suddenly I'm nothin'! " Gascar can't stay out of it. "You've fallen in love with Ares? After all he's done to you? That's pathetic!" Xena whirls on him. "You want a piece of me, Gascar?" He backs down immediately..."None of my business, really." "Damn straight!" Xena whispers. Gascar looks at Gabs, "You were about to tell me where Ares is?" "Yeah," Gabrielle answers and Xena whirls back to her. "I wouldn't do that if I were you, Gabrielle!" she warns. Gabrielle doesn't look affected. "Xena, you taught me how to fight. (see what I mean about the name thing?) I may be tougher than you think!" Gabbers then sticks out her chest and bumps into Xena's breastplate hard. Xena is fuming now, hee hee. Gabs tells Gascar Ares is heading for Potrolis. Gascar...heading for Potrolis??? Do you think someone was having some fun with the names on this show? .

Xena is really mad now. Yeah...sure. "Why I oughta...!" Xena spits on her hand, ready for a good tussle. "Oh, come on Warrior Princess," Gabs jibes, waving her hands in that "come on" manner. "Let's see what you've got!" She tears at Xena, offering a series of attempted hits, which Xena wards off easily. Xena grabs her by the arm, and twists it behind Gabber's back, shoving her into a tent pole. You know, writing this, the thought occurs me that people will think I'm making this up, but I'm not! Gabrielle catches her breath, then reaches into a crate behind her, and starts hurling small bottles at Xena. For a girl who throws sais for a living...she sure has a lousy throwing arm! Her throws miss Xena by a mile, and come a lot closer to Gascar's head. Hmmm... Gascar gets the hint, "Okay I'll leave!" As he's exiting the tent, he asks his second, "How far to Potrolis?" and is told it's a day's ride. Listen to the sounds Xena and Gabrielle make as they continue fighting. I'd swear one of them goes "yoohoo" and one of Xena's battle grunts is actually the f word...I think the editor's slipped! A little more struggling, and some grins are starting to slip through on the two gladiators now. Gabs draws her sais and Xena draws her sword, and when they see the tent is now divest of Gascar and his cronies, they relax. "All right," Xena nods. They clang sword and sai, and Xena winks at Gabrielle. "Nice moves!" .

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, (I just had to say that), Ares is lamenting the loss of Horace. It's almost touching. Then here he comes, Horace bounding back onto the scene, and into Ares arms. Xena and Gabrielle ride up, and Xena dismounts as Gabs says, "I guess you won't need the flute girls anymore." "Hey, I like his company," Ares answers."It's not like he takes care of all my problems." Xena still has on Ares' gauntlet (there's something strangely symbolic in that), but she pulls it off and tosses it back to him. Ares asks what happened with Gascar and Xena tells him that Gascar and his men are headed to the Potrolis Caves. "That would be the Potrolis Caves with the Seven Headed Beast?" Ares asks and Gabbers corrects him, "Eight heads. Not one of them is friendly." "So you can stay here as long as you want", Xena adds..."No one will bother you here." He considers it, and says, "Thanks, Xena, but to be honest, once I'm out of chickens, I might just move on." "Well, you might drag it out," Xena advises, "You know you might find a kind of peace here, that you won't find afterwards." Considering the conversation she had earlier with Gabrielle, she knows what she's talking about. Then she moves in closer, her voice lowering even more. "And who knows, maybe I'll come and visit you some time." Oh my! He reconsiders immediately! "Or...I could give this whole rural thing a good try." All pretense fade from his eyes, as he moves his head in for the kiss. Gabrielle politely lowers her eyes, as Xena leads forward, mouth open, and then reaches up and pinches Ares cheek, then pats it. "Good boy!" she says, to which he doesn't even look surprised. I was! After Coming Home, I was expecting a kiss to finish out the episode! Xena remounts Argo II, with a "Have fun!" and she and Gabbers ride off as Ares watches affectionately. .

The final exchange between Xena and Gabrielle sum it all up nicely. They're slowly riding off the farm Gabrielle asks, "How are you feeling?" Xena answers, "I've learned something since I've come back here. You can't look for peace in the world around you, you've got to find it in your own heart. I was happier when I was a kid here because I was loved and felt like I belonged. I was lucky then, and I'm lucky now." "Me too," Gabrielle answers with a reciprocating smile and they ride away. .

The disclaimer? "Ares went to the dogs in the making of this motion picture." .

So that's my take on this episode. It wasn't the over-the top comedy I was expecting, although there were some achingly funny moments in it. It hearkened my mind the A Day in the Life theme...most of the episode didn't center on catching the bad guy...more it was building up the relationship between Xena and Gabrielle and Ares. One of the things I liked most about the episode is the fact that they managed to stay in character throughout the whole thing, even when the situation grew farfetched. Can't wait till next week's episode! Looks much more intense! .

And now...for what Gary has to say... .

This should not take too long. It seems as if RenPics is budget-cutting,both with scenery and writers. It is easier to just sum up what happened. Ares is being sought after by all kinds of warlords because of a bounty on him and Xena and Gab try to hide him. They try to convince him that he should pose as a farmer and live out his life in peace and be happy and be one with the earth,etc. We see the obligatory barroom fight with Xena,Gab and warlords...they say they want to find Ares. Xena pretends to be on their side,but keeps sending them in the wrong direction. These are some of the most inept warlords yet. Meanwhile,back at the farm,we see Ares without a shirt most of the time,a sex-starved widow who likes him,and Gab and Xena wearing skimpy clothing.Gab is in modern-looking underwear posing as Farmer Ares' wife,and the 3-in-a-bed scene didn't work at all.It showed how much the show has slipped. There are far too many sexual references throughout the show,and the plot is almost non-existent. Did anyone really believe the God of War would be happy as a farmer? After telling him how to be happy,the so-called "sensitive" part came as Xena and Gab leave him....the warlords are going to a cave where some monster we never see will devour them....Xena says the way to true happiness is to look within ourselves....why didn't she tell Ares that? Gab and Xena agree that being loved and belonging is what it is all about. The sight gags,as Ares falling thru the roof and chasing chickens with his sword were mildly amusing...not on the scale of the beloved Day in A Life....nothing subtle here,and I feel it didn't work at all. I give this one a D-minus. .

I saw Dangerous Prey,the next episode,and it was a whole lot better in every way. More next time. .

Any comments?

Old Ares Had a Farm Part 1
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