You Are There
As I tell about this episode, I don't know if it will appear whether or not I liked this episode.
The truth is, right now, I'm not really sure. The ending makes me feel manipulated and
frustrated. But I have the feeling, when it's all said and done, in the whole scheme of things,
I'm going to learn to like it a lot more. If that's confusing, imagine how I feel! To the casual
observer familiar with the Xenaverse, this episode will more than likely be very entertaining.
To someone like me, who has a great love and adoration of the main characters, I feel like I've
been taken to the top of a great cliff, and am left dangling over the edge with only a small
branch to support me, and that branch is bending severely. I don't think I was really expecting
any of the big questions of the Xenaverse to be answered, especially the question of the nature
of Xena and Gabrielle's relationship, but I've come away finding myself with even more
questions than I started with. It's probably my own fault, expecting this episode to at least clear
some things up. Thank the gods for Xena and Gabrielle's appearances through the episode!
They seemed to be the only people making sense in the whole episode!
The disclaimer read, "Linear time was severely harmed during the making of this motion
picture. No kidding! This episode jumped around a lot, and I needed a score card to keep
track. Let's see if I can make some sense as we get to the meat of the episode...
The episode starts with footage we've seen before, though it's supposed to be new. I just
watched part of Them Bones, Them Bones, so the shot of Xena, and Gabs riding like the
Furies toward the Northern Amazon country popped out at me right away. The shot cuts
before Amarice rides into the picture. Then there's a shot of Xena and Gabs traveling by boat
toward a piece of land, that's basically a cliff. I'm sure we've seen that before too, but I'd have
to do some digging to find out which episode. We see a shot of a raven calling out, and then
flying through the air toward Valhala. That footage was VERY familiar. We hear a male voice,
Odin's call out, "What? Here?" I guess the raven's still being a stool pigeon. Then there is a
shot of the tapestry which features Xena as a Valkyries. It is hanging on a tavern wall. Okay,
so now I've figured out Xena and Gabrielle are traveling toward the Norse Country. My first
thought? Hrothgar better look out! Xena wants a divorce!
We cut to some new footage (finally!) of a lone man sitting in the tavern. I recognized him
from behind to be Beowulf. He's sitting alone. A familiar hand touches his shoulder, and he
turns to see Gabrielle, Xena right behind her. Beo and Gabs tell each other they're glad to see
the other, and then Xena gives her greeting, "Hey..." I don't know why, but I always laugh
when she greets someone like that. He tells her they're a long way from home. Xena and
Gabrielle look puzzled. "What's going on , Beowulf? The last time you saw Gabrielle you were
willing to walk through a column of fire to be at her side?" He tells her it was lovestruck
foolishness. "I like my bones the way they are, without the flesh seared from them." He invites
them to sit with them and slake their thirst. Xena tells him they aren't there to drink, they need
to see Odin. Beowulf tells her she knows the way but Gabs says it's not that easy. Insert
another voice from off-screen. It's Grinhilda flanked by a few Valkyries, and she doesn't look
pleased to see Xena. She tells Xena that she knows the way to Valhala. Xena needs to "die a
hero's death; I'll escort you there myself." Xena tells that is part of her long-range plan (eeesh!
I don't like THAT plan), but right now she just needs to see Odin. Grin tells her Odin doesn't
want to see her, and in fact, she and the other Valkyries have orders to keep Xena away. I
love Lucy's delivery on the next line...Xena's super-confident attitude is in place as she replies,
"Well, I don't want to make a Sister Valkyries look bad, but you're going to have trouble
following those orders." Grinhilda and the other Valkyries draw their swords, Grin asking,
"You think so?" Xena draws her own sword, intones, "Mm hmm..." and jumps into the fray,
Gabrielle right behind her. Beowulf just turns back to his drinking.
We never actually get to see the fight, for the action cuts outside to Michael Hurst, dressed in
modern-day clothes as a reporter, apparently getting ready to do some filming. He hears the
sounds of the fight, as do we, and tells the camera, and us, that this may be the chance to get
to Xena. He weaves his way through some bemused Norse people, and we see Xena send a
couple of Valkyries flying out the open door, and then Xena herself, pushing Grinhilda out of
the tavern, and tumbling her down a flight of steps. "Here's Xena now," the reporter tells the
camera. "I think we're just going to go and talk to her." Yeah, right...Xena has watched
Grinhilda's tumble with a self-satisfied sneer, and now she and Gabs are apparently preparing
to go after the retreating Valkyries. The reporter pushes his way through the sea of silver,
"Sorry, Valkyries," and is suddenly in her face, asking her why she has returned to the North
country. Xena takes a brief look at him, then the microphone jammed in her face, and then
notices the camera staring at it like the next enemy she's going to destroy. It takes Gabs a little
longer to notice the camera, and she looks very confused even as Xena steps in front of her
and towards the camera, still looking like she's going to take a bite out of it any time. Actually,
I thought the reaction was pretty honest and true to form, and hysterically funny. We fade to
opening credits, and already I'm asking questions.
What's up with Beowulf's change in attitude? Why is Grinhilda so vicious with Xena, when the
last time they saw each other, Xena was apologizing and restoring her place in Valhala? Why is
there NO explanation given for why Michael Hurst's character, as well as modern-day camera
crew there? Why did we not see any of the actual fight? Where's Prothorax? Don't worry,
none of these questions will be answered, and there will be MANY more added before the end
of this commentary.
Next we see Michael, who's character is Nigel, walking through the Viking village, describing
Xena as people see her. Some see her as a protector, a savior, while others see her as a
butcher who killed hundreds, no thousands. Which is she? Nigel tells us, tonight, we'll have the
answers.
Cut to a darkened studio, and Xena non-verbally protesting the application of blush to her
cheeks...she looks like me when my mom used to try to brush my hair...duck and dodge, jab
and weave..."Hey!" she says with a pointed finger. Gabrielle is sitting next to her going through
her own struggles. "Hey, watch where you put your hands!" she tells the guy trying to clip on
her microphone. As the lights come up, Xena is leading forward saying, "Yeah, you watch
where you put your hands, Buddy!" Nigel tells us that also here is "Gabrielle, the Battling Bard
of Poteidaia"...Gabrielle really brightens up at that comment, raising her eyebrows with a
nodding grin toward Xena. He finishes,"Xena's constant traveling companion, and the
chronicler of her deeds. Glad you can make it." Gabs tells him she's glad to be there. Xena's
distracted by her own microphone, but listens up when Nigel starts with her. He tells her that
it's common knowledge she isn't liked in the Norse country, that she is feared for her reign of
terror she created as a Valkyries. Xena listens, looking a little feral, then glances at Gabs who
leans in and whispers, "Everyone's seen the tapestry." Xena tells him it was a long time ago.
Nigel wants to know why she's returned. "There's no love lost between you and Odin." Xena
leans forward perking up a bit, "Ah but that's just it," she tells him, and with those words, I
promise you, I suddenly knew the reason Xena and Gabrielle were there. I didn't know how
they were going to accomplish the goal, but I knew what the purpose of this mission was.
Xena starts to tell him, 'That's exactly the reason Gabrielle and I are he-" but Nigel cuts her off
with "You betrayed Odin, didn't you?" He tells about Xena turning Grinhilda into Grendl and
there's a "file photo" of Grendl. Too funny! Gabrielle is quick to defend, "Yeah, but Xena
changed her back!" Nigel's done his research noting that Xena didn't change Grin back until
after she and her son had sent lots of warriors to Valhala.
Xena's on the hot seat and she looks like her warrior butt is heating up quickly. "Is there a
question in this somewhere?" There sure is! "Xena, is it your intention to kill Odin and have
yourself proclaimed a god in his place?" "What?" Gabrielle asks with a nervous smile. Xena
leans back squirming, "This is crazy." "Do you deny that you stole the Rhinegold?" Nigel asks.
"No," she replies, and he continues, "and forged that into a ring that gave you the power of a
god?" Xena's answer is emphatic. "I gave back the Rhinegold, you can ask the Rhine
maidens," to which Gabrielle nods emphatically. "And what about the Olympian gods," he fires
back. "You destroyed them also,didn't you?" "Not all of them," Xena mutters, losing some of
her impetus, but leave it to Gabs to come through, "They were trying to kill her daughter!" "Ah
yes," Nigel replies, "a daughter who is following very successfully in her mother's bloody
footsteps." Uh oh...wrong thing to say...."Now just a doggone minute," Xena whispers as the
music swells and she leans menacingly forward again. He's not afraid...well, not yet. He asks
Xena if she still has the power to kill a god. Xena rises from her chair, hand on her chakram,
and Gabrielle desperately trying to hold her back."I got the power to kill much lower forms of
life than that," she threatens. He's looking a bit intimidated now, but delivers, "What's the
matter, Xena? Uncomfortable with the truth?" "The truth?" she echoes, ripping of the
microphone. "You know what? You wouldn't know the truth if it grew fangs and bit you on
the-", he's cut off again, this time by Gabrielle who puts her hand over her mouth and tells
Nigel the interview is over. Xena and Gabs make a hasty retreat out of the studio, with Nigel
still calling after her to admit she's always lusted for the power of a god, and that's the real
reason she's here. He finishes yelling and smiles at the camera. "I thought that was good...I
had her on the ropes."
We cut to the River Styx,and Nigel's voiceover about how though Xena might say she's
innocent, she's sent plenty of business by way of Charon, Boatman of the Dead (I love the
captions identifying these characters!) The only time I've seen Charon in is "Mortal Beloved",
and Michael Hurst played him in that episode. If this is a different actor in this episode, he did
a very good job imitating Michael. I saw little difference. He tells Nigel that Xena has been just
a drop in the bucket for him, as far as numbers go, but she has sent him some pretty heavy
hitters...Ilanius of Mycenae, Velasca, Marc Anthony, Callisto, you can even make a case for
Caesar himself. These people don't go out without a fight. Someone is jumping around behind
Charon, and it's none other than Caligula, "former emperor of Rome-deceased." He's more
than a little impatient...the boat man has bumped him twice already and he's wanting to get his
afterlife underway. Nigel tells him he just wants to ask him about Xena. Oh boy...don't get him
started! "Xena? You just want to ask me about Xena? She's a snake! A treacherous deceiver
like the rest of her sex! (Hey! I took that personally!), Never turn your back on her! She and
that...that bard of hers, yeah like we don't know what's going on there? (I for one, am still not
real sure)...yeah, and she wants you to think she fights for honor?" When Nigel questions the
honor thing, Cali continues his tirade saying she kills for the same reason he did, the glorious
benefits of it (I'm paraphrasing here.) He points to someone else in line, asking him who killed
him. The man replies "Begging your pardon, but you did," and Cali raves some more. He
concludes with "Xena's evil! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, I was a god, a living god, and
that bitch took me out." He's being herded onto the boat (finally!) by Charon who tells him,
"You may have been a bigshot on earth, but here you're just dead." Charon turns back to
Nigel telling him he has one more thing to tell him. "At least Xena pays her fare. Unlike
another so-called hero I know...more like super-cheapskate...that's right, I'm talking about you,
Hercules!" Hmm...for some reason Iolaus, I mean Nigel chooses to ignore that and focus on
Cali's final statement, "I was a god, a living god, and that bitch took me out."
Cut to an "Artist's Rendering" of Valhala, and Nigel telling us that Odin declined to comment,
but another source from Valhala would talk under strict anonymity. We see an empty chair,
and are told that the source is using a cloak of invisibility. Funny, the voice sounds
AWFULLY familiar. The voice knows why Xena is there. She is after the...apples. The
golden apples, insert file footage here. Nigel and the voice summarize, that by eating the golden
apples, Xena can become a god, goddess "whatever". Nigel tells the voice that before they get
into that, isn't it true that only Odin has the power to render himself invisible? His cover
blown, Odin appears before Nigel. He appeals to all Norse men to stop Xena at all costs. He
looks like Hulk Hogan challenging Xena to a battle royale. Odin says Xena will restore Ares to
Olympus (more file footage), who will in exchange, make her his queen. Nigel points out that
Ares and Xena have an adversarial history, but Odin ain't buying that. He asks a logical
question. Why didn't Xena kill Ares when she had the chance? It's because she's always had a
thing for him, (Insert the closing scene from Coming Home). Odin threatens the monitor,
telling Xena to stay away from Valhala or she knows what's going to happen to her. He points
his finger and the monitor goes up in a barrage of teeny tiny pieces while Nigel cowers behind
his chair. "You'll never be a god, Xena!" Odin concludes.
I won't voice all my questions from this segment, but here are some of the more obvious.
What was Nigel and the film crew doing in the Norse country? Who invited him? Why would
Xena and Gabrielle agree to ever do an interview with anyone? How did I know Nigel's name,
when it hasn't even been mentioned at this point? How did the golden apples suddenly become
a plot point, when ambrosia has always been the food of the gods? What is this thing on my
arm, and should I see a doctor? Errr...back to the show!
Nigel has apparently escaped Odin's clutches and is in the woods. We are witnessing an epic
struggle, Odin and his apples vs. Xena and her desire to possess them...but why? Odin spots
Gabs washing up by a stream, her regular clothes on her top half and her bottom half wrapped
in a towel. He charges after her, wanting to know if Xena and Ares have a sexual relationship.
Is Xena Ares' love slave? She whirls on him, "What are you doing here?" and begins to beat
him mercilessly with a loufah until his face ends up in the mud. She stalks off.
Not to be distracted, Nigel's all cleaned up and tells us there's one other person who can shed
his light on "the twisted co-dependent relationship between the warrior princess and the god of
war." In the background, is a hovel, a horrible looking old shack that is overgrown with weeds.
I've got a really bad feeling about this! Nigel pounds on the door, and a male voice tells him to
go away. Uh oh, I know that voice! He continues to pound, knowing there is someone in
there, (duh...the voice was a clue!), and finally the door opens to strains of...oh no...hillbilly
music. Yep, it's Ares himself, say it with me now, shirtless, and looking a little grunged up.
He's got a large stein in his hand, and apparently, all the hard work Xena and Gabrielle did on
the farm was all for naught; the place looks worse than when they just found it! Nigel wants to
know if he's the former god of war, but Ares wants to know...."who wants to know?" Nigel
wants him to answer some questions about Xena, but Ares has nothing to say about Xena
Nigel tells him Odin thinks Xena wants the apples to restore Ares to Olympus, to which Ares
responds, "That'd be damn nice." Is he drinking a vanilla milk shake? He still hasn't gotten the
hang of the mortal gig. He wants to make it clear Xena owes him nothing. Nigel continues to
tell him what Odin said, about Ares and Xena ruling side by side. Ares gives a hearty sarcastic
laugh. Xena has had plenty of chances to be his queen and she's not interested. For someone
who had nothing to say about Xena, he's got an awful lot to say about Xena! Nigel wants to
know if Ares has talked to her lately; Ares just wants to know why he can't bother some other
god sent down from Olympus. Nigel wants to know if there are other gods who survived the
attack, and about the time we hear, "Yo, Ares!" from off-screen. Oh boy, I REALLY know
that voice! Nigel has heard it too, and wants to know who it is, pushing Ares aside to get inside
the shack. Once inside, Ares is really uncomfortable, the guy now has a milk moustache for
crying out loud!, and tells Nigel to laugh it up at the conditions of his living quarters. A door
opens and in walks someone saying, "Ares, what's the commotion?" The someone is Xena,
and I must admit, I was REALLY curious as to why she was there. I don't know why I was so
surprised, but I was! She isn't too happy to see Nigel, and even less happy to see the camera. I
love the way she keeps looking at the camera, like it bothers her far more than the guy asking
the questions! She wants to know what Nigel is doing here, and he tells her it's because he was
right about her all along. Ares takes another drink, and now the lower face of his face is
covered in some kind of froth. I didn't find that amusing at all. "Stay out of my business,
Nigel," she growls. Ah, that's how I know his name...someone finally said it! Don't ask me
who told her! "Are you in love with Ares?" Nigel presses, and Ares gets violent, yelling and
shoving Nigel out of the room while Xena and he do their best to get the camera shut down.
It's like watching Sean Penn dodge the paparazzi.
Next stop, heaven. Nigel has sat down in a cave with Michael, the not-so-angelic archangel.
Nigel asks Michael if Odin should fear Xena, and Michael says he wouldn't put his tail feathers
on the line to trust Xena. Nigel calls Michael an angel, but Michael corrects him quickly, "Archangel." Nigel builds up Michael's confidence and wonders if archangels look for the good in
people. Michael laughs and tells about mankind's free will, and how far Xena likes to stretch
hers. Xena puts her own self-interest ahead of the greater good. He summarizes the whole
storyline of "The Haunting of Amphipolis" and "The Heart of Darkness", painting Xena in a
very negative light. "And if she's capable of doing that, of seducing an archangel into assuming
the throne of hell, you tell me...who wouldn't she be willing to screw over?" "Who indeed?"
Nigel asks before being...cast out...
It's a long fall, and Nigel ends up at the opposite end of the earth...hell. He's about to be the
first to ever get an exclusive interview with Lucifer. Lucifer hasn't changed much since we last
saw him...he still looks like Freddie Krueger to me, even though I'm pretty sure it's a different
actor. Nigel tells Lucifer that the public wants to know the real demon behind the myth. "Try
not to cover anything up." I laughed at Lucifer's response, "Cover anything up? I'm the devil,
you idiot! I'm real bad...I'm evil incarnate. What do I have to cover up?" He wants to know
what Nigel is doing there, "Are you one of mine?" You mean he's got so many he can't keep
track? Nigel is quick to tell him no, he's part of an investigation on Xena. That fires up
Lucifer! He still should be an archangel. He wouldn't be there if it wasn't for her lies and
deceit. Nigel wants to know if that means she can't be trusted. Lucifer flames up again, "She's
a lying sack! I only wish I could get her down here...mete out some everlasting punishment!"
Nigel says that's not an impossible dream, knowing Xena's evil history. Lucifer knows of all
the good she's done though, and isn't so sure. But now he can't wait to get his claws into Nigel
once he's dead. Nigel laughs uneasily, he's an award-winning investigative journalist, not a
murdering warlord. "Like I said," Lucifer repeats, roughing Nigel up some, "I can't wait to get
my claws into you."
Next scene is a fish statue, and a bunch of young folks kneeling around it, gently murmuring.
Nigel, yes, him again, approaches the one in front, wanting to know if it's Eve. Eve turns and
smiles, wanting to know if he want to join the prayer circle. No, he wants to know about Xena,
but Eve tells him her mother can answer for herself. She and the others try to walk away.
Nigel follows, asking Eve if Xena wants to become a god. Eve replies there is only one God,
Eli's God. Nigel asks if Xena follows that God, but Eve replies she respects their faith...she
would do nothing to offend it. Uh, excuse me, but wasn't it just a week ago that Xena was on
the verge of killing an archangel? I think that would offend some! Then Nigel asks about Ares.
Eve turns on him, "What about Ares?" Nigel tells her the rumor, about the ruling on Olympus
thing. Eve shakes her head and smiles, "The time of the mini-gods has passed." Nigel starts
pushing buttons. "Then why is Xena trying to steal the golden apples, and why is she shacked
up with Ares?...Did you know that?" Eve is backing away, vehemently shaking her head in
horror now. Nigel brings up Xena's standing by, doing nothing, while Ares killed Eli.
Uh...excuse me again, but wasn't it Gabrielle that witnessed Eli's murder? Xena didn't come
into the picture until after he was dead. But it doesn't matter...apparently Eve has been
watching Springer a lot. Does she kiss Xena with that mouth? She assures Nigel in very
expletive terms that Xena would only be with Ares for a very good reason. Nigel gets in one
more comment, "Are you still jealous because Ares was obsessed with your mother the entire
time he was sleeping with you?" Eve is really pissed now, I counted at least four f words
bleeped out during the whole spiel with her, along with a p word, a couple of s words, and an a
word. But Nigel is a glutton for punishment, goading her, trying to get her to admit she wants
to see Xena and Ares in Olympus so the three of them can continue their "bloody menage a
tois". Ergh! If she hadn't cold cocked him right then, I would have! That was uncalled for!
Eve and the followers leave Nigel to pick himself up, spluttering at the camera, "Tell me you
got that, you got that, right?" The camera pulls back to reveal Nigel watching himself on a
monitor before turning to another camera (I know this is confusing). He tells us this is shocking
coming from a messenger of Eli, but not so shocking perhaps, coming from the daughter of
Xena.
He's changed camera angles, and is now telling us that Xena's brings strong emotions from
people she's crossed paths with, fear and anger. But she also commands fierce loyalty from
her friends. It is this loyalty that brings the person sitting opposite him into the studio. Any
guesses? "Gabrielle, thank you." The caption comes up, "Gabrielle, Xena's sidekick", and
Gabrielle says you're welcome, but she's here to tell Nigel he's wrong about Xena. He's wrong
in every sense. Xena and Ares don't have a conspiracy to rule the world. Xena wants to save
the world. Nigel wants to know if Ares wants to save the world also. "It's hard to explain,"
Gabrielle laughs. Nigel doesn't think so. Maybe Xena doesn't lust after war...maybe she lusts
after the god of war. Gabs gives a very embarrassed, uncomfortable grin. "Xena doesn't lust
after Ares." Nigel asks her to direct her attention to the monitor. We see the kiss from Coming
Home, the kiss from Livia. the first kiss from Amphipolis Under Siege, and the nipple bite
leading to the lip lick from the same episode. Gabs watches it, swallows, and tries to grin again.
"So they have...history. It doesn't mean anything." Nigel sucks on the earpiece of his glasses
while Gabs continues to look at the monitor, a fake smile in place that seems to be saying "I
wish he'd shut up, now!" Nigel wants to know if it's possible that Gabbers is confused by her
own feelings for Xena. "By my feelings for Xena?" Gabs repeats, putting a hand to her heart.
"Come on Gabrielle, I know that Xena is more to you than just...a friend." Gabrielle laughs
nervously again, I must say Renee is absolutely fantastic in this whole segment...so true to
character and hilarious in her discomfort!, and says, "Okay, you're right...she's...she's my best
friend." So much for revealing the truth here! Nigel always has something to say. "What would
you say, Gabrielle, if I told you that not too long ago I found your friend, Xena, in a
tumble-down little love shack at the edge of town in the arms of Ares?" The smile is gone from
Gabbers face as she listens to this piece of news. It returns briefly, only to fade when he asks
her how she feels. "I don't know how I feel." Nigel moves in for the kill now. "Tell us all the
truth. You and Xena are lovers, or I should say were lovers until you were replaced by Ares?"
She looks horrified, opening her mouth to only get out, "I..." before hesitating, looking much
distressed, I must say. He tries one last time...at least for now. "Gabrielle, are you in love with
Xena?" She shakes her head, saying the following as if she doesn't believe what she's saying,
"I don't love Xena."
Okay, while the commercials play, I have a few more random questions. What, oh what, was
Xena doing in Ares' shack? This one really, really bothers me! And why didn't Gabrielle know
about it? What is up with Michael...why did he go from being such a God-serving angel to a
"make sure you get my best camera angle" jerk? When did Eve go from a "by the powers of
Eli" peace-lover to "say something about mom and I'll drag your you-know-what in the dirt"
butt kicker? And why, oh why, would Gabrielle say she doesn't love Xena???? We all know
Gabrielle loves Xena...we just don't know to what level the love goes. That was a big clue to
what's going on in this episode! One more question...why is Gabrielle fighting Varia in the
previews of next week's episode? Looks like a return to normality is on the horizon!
Continued...
You Are There Part 2
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